1652: rise of the Xenoponies – Chapters 1 – 3Posted: January 13, 2017
Title: rise of the Xenoponies
Media: Movie/TV Show
Topic: My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic/Aliens/Terminator
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Hello, dear Patrons!
I’m here with a little fic I found while plumbing the depths of the crossovers section, because that be a deep well ‘o weirdness right there. And what source materials are being crossed? Why, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and the Aliens franchise!
I know, it sounds a little weird – but it’s also surprisingly popular judging by the amount of fanart out there.
The summary doesn’t really offer a lot of information regarding what the fic is actually about;
the newest breakthrough in pony technology is here, Shell, the cybernetic pony(basically a terminator pony) has his first assignment when an odd organism threatens equestria.
Oh, and apparently there’s a little bit of Terminator tossed into the mix. And not a lot in the way of capitalization.
On to the fic!
My little pony
rise of the Xenoponies
Unnecessary title is unnecessary.
grease had just finished her best work yet, she, as an inventor, was always looking for new ways to impress her mistress, celestia, this time she had designed a cybernetic pony that would protect her and equestria at all costs, especially protective of fillies, whislt upholding the values of all, Love and Tolerance.
Wow. That’s … That’s all one sentence. With only two capital letters, and those are gratuitous. This bodes well.
I assume Grease is the name of an OC pony, who invented a cybernetic pony (despite Equestria not really having that level of tech) that will protect her and/or Celestia as well as all of Equestria. This cybernetic pony also favors young female ponies, I guess.
I think I spot a Sue/Stu in the works.
she stared at the bare frame for a bit, “i think for the sake of non freakishness, you need skin.”
Yeah, skin’s pretty important. It protects us from infections and harmful UV rays and keeps us from looking like Titans. I don’t think Equestria has the tech to make artificial skin (I also don’t think they had the tech to make a frickin’ cybernetic pony either) so maybe this “skin” is just a layer of snuggly polar fleece.
she began to design a skin for him, she decided to make it male to save time and effort on programming,
Ummm, what? How does being male save time and effort? Creating the programming for a gender would likely take a similar amount of time regardless of which gender you pick. If you really wanted to save time, you would make it genderless. If this creation is really self-aware, shouldn’t it get a voice in something like what gender it identifies most with? Or if it even does at all.
And it’s a little weird that this is the second of my recent fics deal with gender identity issues in artificial lifeforms. I swear I didn’t plan it like that.
she gave him green fur to make sure he’d be told apart from the others,
Pretty sure there’s a number of ponies in different shades of green; Lyra is kind of a teal green, and Granny Smith is a pastel green, and I’ve seen a number of ponies with green manes.
and then her work was finished, “i’ll call you shell.” she giggled,
…Is that supposed to be funny? Because I don’t get it.
she turned him on and his dull gray eyes sprang up red, he snapped to attention and looked at his creator, “hello, i’m shell, what’s your name?”
Did he hear her say his name, or did she program it in at the last second? And why didn’t she add her name to his program? What if he had accidentally been switched to kill-bot setting when he started up?
Grease giggled, “i’m grease, please state your prime directives for me.”
No identification of self or mission. No interference with the social development of said planet. No references to space or the fact that there are other worlds or civilizations. Never give dairy products to the tyrannosaur.
there was a beeping sound for a bit and Shell answered, “protect equestria, protect celestia, fillies take priority over grown ponies but not the princess.”
I get Equestria and Celestia, but a filly is a young female pony – why do young female ponies take precedent over mares, stallions, and colts? Is Grease concerned about maintaining a breeding population? Because you would need more than young girls for that, no matter what you’ve read in those weird fetish-fics.
Grease smiled, “exactly, now come with me, i have to introduce you to the princess.”
Yeah, you don’t need to run any tests. Just take the dangerous gadget directly to the sovereign.
on the outskirts of equestria
I thought Equestria was the name of the country? A country has borders, not outskirts.
a comet fell from the sky, after a while, a pink pony galoped over, it was pinkie pie, “what is this?”
A sentence with an exceptionally poor structure?
the copet popped open,
Is that like one of those Hatchimal thingies?
it revealed itself to be a pod, not a rock from space, inside were an assortment of eggs, “ooh, those are big eggs, are they dragon eggs?”
No, sorry; we’ve already had a fic with space dragon eggs in the Library. I don’t want none of that nonsense.
suddenly the top of one popped open and a facehugger lept from the egg and encased her face.
I’m fairly familiar with the Aliens franchise, and I don’t recall anything like this ever happening. The physics of what happens when an object enters a heavy atmosphere is very unkind to living organisms that aren’t exceptionally hardy extremophiles. If the Xenomorphs could colonize this way, they wouldn’t be constantly hitching rides on human spaceships.
Well, that scene was brief yet largely pointless.
“mares and stallions of all ages, i present to you the latest innovation in pony technology, the magically powered automaton pony, Shell!”
So he’s not a cybernetic pony, but some kind of clockwork automaton? That would be more in line with Equestria’s known tech level, but then why would he have been called a cybernetic pony in the first place, especially if the author was going to fix continuity issues with MajekTech?
shell walked into the main hall, studying everyone, he looked up and saw princess celestia, he bowed, “i am here to serve the princess and protect the kingdom of equestria.”
It occurs to me that this Grease pony has essentially built Celestia her own personal slave. (And it’s a male slave.)
Princes Celestia walked over to shell and tapped him with her horn, “I cannot wait to see what wonders will take place.”
Is one of those wonders the consistent use of the shift key? Because that’s what I’d like to see.
suddenly pinkiepie stumbled into the throne room, “HELP ME!”
Wasn’t she just at the edge of the kingdom? How did she get to Canterlot so fast?
her usually perky and happy visage was strained with fear, “HELP ME! SOMEBODY!”
Why aren’t the guards subduing this clearly distraught mare who is a potential threat to their princesses?
shell walked up to her and used his X-ray vision feature,
Because that’s a thing they definitely have in Equestria.
she had something inside her, “EVERYPONY BACK!” he yelled, “there’s something inside her!”
Well, yeah – a skeleton, a bunch of organs, nerves, probably some cupcakes… She has a lot of stuff inside of her. Could you be more specific?
suddenly a scalpel sprang from shell’s back,
Why is that a feature a guard-bot would have?
“this is going to sting a b-” suddenly, a blade breached the poor pink pony’s stomach and she screamed in pain as a black, shiny, armor carapaced pony squeezed from her belly, Pinkypie fell on to her side as the Xenopony stood up to it’s full height, for its size it was very threatening, it shreaked before slithering towards the door, fast as lightning however, shell blocked the door, the chestbuster Xenopony then slithered quickly up a pillar and into the rafters.
Wow. Someone’s been a little trigger-happy with their Comma Shotgun. Let’s try to break this up a bit…
“this is going to sting a b-” suddenly,
And from behind!
a blade breached the poor pink pony’s stomach
A blade not Shell’s blade, which was specifically mentioned to be a scalpel, so where did this weapon come from?
and she screamed in pain as a black, shiny, armor carapaced pony squeezed from her belly,
In the films the Chestbursters have to essentially head-butt their way out of their hosts’ torsos, making for a gory entrance into the narrative as well as giving them their name, but this time a sharp instrument of some kind should have made egress much easier for the non-Chestburster.
Pinkypie fell on to her side as the Xenopony stood up to it’s full height, for its size it was very threatening, it shreaked before slithering towards the door,
Newly emerged Xenomorphs are small in comparison to their hosts, they usually have to molt to gain any real size.
fast as lightning however, shell blocked the door,
Possibly using real lightning, because why the hell not?
the chestbuster Xenopony then slithered quickly up a pillar and into the rafters.
Convenient rafters are convenient. It’s not going to be easy to find a hiding place, though. Celestia favors very open and airy architecture with lots of light.
And, without further ado, it’s on to Chapter 2!
Which has been labeled in case the audience forgot what they were reading between the time they clicked on the chapter and it opened in their browser.
shell drew his shotgun,
I assume this is more MajekTech, since I don’t recall firearms being used in Equestria.
he maneuvered around the pillar, shooting at the s blood soaked creature which was slithering up the pillar, but each time he shot at it, it slithered out of harms way, shell growlEd and kept firing till the creature had disappeard into the rafters.
Shtuell, proud recent graduate of the Stormtrooper Academy of Marksmanship.
he reloaded and started for the door leading to the stairs when a guard stopped him, “hey buddy, stop right there.”
Little late for that, don’t you think? This stranger took out a weapon and started blasting away while in the presence of your monarch; if you were doing your job properly he would never had gotten off the second shot. And why aren’t you dealing with the Xenopony yourselves? The thing is clearly a potential threat to the princesses.
celestia stomped her hoof, “rush, let him pass.”
And maybe send a few squads of
Xenopony fodder guards with him as backup.
shell nodded, “yes, attend to ms Pie, she is in need of medical attention.”
If by “medical attention” you mean “a coroner”, then I agree – because there is no way she survived that.
the biggest one, rush, held back a look of anger and let shell pass.
Wha? Shtuell was stopped by a guard, singular. This “Rush” might be the biggest, but they would also be the smallest, tallest, shortest, thinnest, fattest, etc. because there’s just one guard there.
Shell ran up the stairs, following the thing’s slime trail, he followed it till it disappeared through a small hole in the wall.
Let me guess – it’s a chest-high vent with no security grille in place? And a necromorph is going to pop out and tear somepony’s face off, or a headcrab is going to drop down from the ceiling, or [insert another game reference here]!
an hour later, back in the throne room
A great big time-skip just as the action was starting? That’s an … interesting choice.
grease watched as shell walked down the stairs, “did you get it?”
:shrugs: Dunno, we skipped over that part. I would assume since he’s not dragging the remains of a Xenopony behind him with his built-in tow hook (standard equipment on all Shtuell models) that the answer would be “No”.
shell shook his head, “no, the castle is locked down, correct?”
:shrugs again: Again, I don’t know. I would assume so, but there’s no indication either way.
celestia nodded from her throne, “all holes and exits have been covered, per my orders.”
You have multiple holes in your building that aren’t vents or drains or something with an actual purpose? What do your maintenance people do all day, sit around and play bridge?
shell nodded, “good, then this should not take long, Grease, I need some things.”
Ooh, things! And possibly some stuff!
grease nodded, “what do you need?”
Gods only know; he’s an ambulatory Swiss Army knife so he should be able to produce whatever he needs as soon as he needs it.
ten minutes later, in the lab
This is not how you change scenes or show the passage of time, author.
“are you sure shell? It’s not really guard clothing.”
shell was clothed in a leather jacket, leather boots and leather pants, he put on a pair of dark sunglasses and smiled, “it feels natural.”
Did they stop in the middle of a Xenomorph hunt to do a frickin’ wardrobe change?!?
What the hell, author?
And where did they find a full leather daddy ensemble in Equestria on such short notice? And does Equestria even have a leather industry that could produce those garments?
he walked from the lab and back up the stairs, “time to fish this thing out.”
Wait, does that mean that Grease’s lab is in the palace’s basement? That doesn’t seem very safe; typically you want to isolate your dangerous scientists in an area where they will do minimal damage when shenanigans ensue. That’s why we gave Bifocals her own pocket dimension for Sithmas.
he walked up to the hole and drew back a hoof, he punched he small hole into a bigger one, he kept punching till he could fit,
…I have so many questions. Is this the first hole the Xenopony ran into when it jumped out of Pinkie Pie? If so, why didn’t Shtuell start his search here before? He was looking for the thing for an hour! Did he just pick a random direction and hope to trip over the damned thing? And if this “hole” is a vent of some sort then it’s likely the same diameter for its entire length; Shtuell is gonna be punching forever. And possibly falling through a ceiling or floor at some point.
then walked in to see a slimy mass on the floor, he picked it up and saw that it was a shed skin, “uh boy.”
So it’s a slimy mass (even though the Xenopony was described as having a rigid carapace) that somehow retains enough shape to be identified as a shed skin?
Grease called him on his Ethernet connection, “shell, what did you find?”
Okay, now I’m picturing Shtuell dragging a coaxial cable around behind him wherever he goes. Guess where it plugs in at?
“a shedded skin, it looks like we have a gigantic bug.”
grease cringed, “ew”
Guys, you both saw the Xenopony when it emerged from Pinkie Pie and that slimy mass/skin is probably what it was wearing at the time. There’s very few creatures that have an armored carapace and that thing probably wasn’t a turtle or a crab.
suddenly there was a loud scream from somewhere in the west wing and shell jumped down the steps and galloped towards the sound.
Dragging his Ethernet cable behind him.
Now to the third (and last) chapter! You’ll have to take my word on it that this is Chapter 3, because it lacks the handy label at the top that the last chapter had.
Applebloom was screaming, something black and slimy was hanging from the rafters via a long barbed tail,
Why is it the rafters again? And is Applebloom in any real danger? There are some epically high ceilings in Celestia’s palace; Cirque du Soleil (or the Equestria equivalent) could stage multiple performances there.
it hissed at her as it slowly walked towards her,
While hanging from the high rafters by its tail.
it’s pony-esque features offset by it’s shiny, slime covered carapaced skin and it’s lack of eyes or nose,
This is one of the oddest “like X except Y” I’ve seen in a while.
it opened it’s drooling maw and a second set of jaws was revealed.
They’re called pharyngeal jaws because they are located in the throat, or pharynx. Things have names, people!
suddenly there was the sound of a shotgun being cocked,
A sound that, up until an hour or so ago, no one in Equestria had ever heard before.
“asta la vista, pony.”
I don’t speak Spanish and even I know it should be “Hasta” and not “asta”. Also, does the Spanish language even exist in Equestria? They usually go with the “Foreigners speak English but with an accent” method.
but before shell could fire, the Xenopony tackled him, the two wrestled for a long time before the Xenopony threw him down the stairs and ran after him, Applebloom was in tears, “wha…wha…wha?”
Honey, I’m just as confused as you are.
Shell was kicking and biting Xenopony,
Even though the Xenopony threw you down the stairs and then followed after you? That would mean you are no longer in physical contact. And biting a Xenomorph (or in this case a Xenopony) is a really bad idea.
And what happened to his shotgun? Xenomorphs are tough, but very few things survive a point-blank shotgun blast to the face.
but every time he drew blood, his teeth began to dissolve,
And that would be why it’s a bad idea to bite them. Although … Wouldn’t Grease give him metal teeth? Did she yank the teeth out of a pony corpse to give him real ones? But if they are real, how are they able to penetrate the carapace?
as they were beginning to reach the bottom of the staircase,
I don’t know what tense you were shooting for, Tex, but I think you missed.
the Xenopony let fly a pair of extra jaws that pierced the skin but not the metal,
And now I’m picturing the Xenopony throwing jawbones like they are boomerangs.
Shell growled and kicked Xenopony again, “what the hell are you?”
:shrugs: Based on what little description the fic has given us, it’s a pony in a gimp suit with a prehensile tail.
they rolled into the main hall where the entire royal army was waiting, but he signaled for them to stay back.
Of course he did. The Stu don’t need no help from nobody! Not even an entire frickin’ army!
a sword attatched to a mechanical arm appeared from his back
I WAS JOKING ABOUT HIM BEING A SWISS ARMY KNIFE!
and he lunged at the Xenopony, who, unfortunately for shell, was prepaired this time, using it’s mouth and it’s brute strength, it tore the mechanical limb from the cyborg’s back,
Wait a second – he’s a cyborg now? “cyborg” is short for “cybernetic organism” – something that is a combination of mechanical and organic parts. That’s a very different thing than a purely cybernetic pony, or even an automaton.
then tore shell’s right front leg off,
Ouch. I hope that wasn’t an organic part.
it then impaled the cyborg on it’s tail and began climbing the wall.
Why is the Xenopony taking Shtuell? It can’t eat him or use him as a host for a Chestburster.
“stop that thing!” shouted the captain of the guard,
Oh, now you react. Gold star for effort, but you’re too little, too late.
in response, all the pegasuses flew up after it, dive bombing it until it lost it’s grip,
Okay, I’ve had enough!
It’s is a contraction of “it is” and its is possessive!
with that, it fell three stories and made a hole in the floor to the dungeon.
First random holes everywhere and now the Xenopony punched through three floors like they were made of cardboard – this place is a deathtrap! Celestia must have gone with the lowest bidder when she built her palace.
But hey – at least I was right about Shtuell falling through the floor! Not quite the context I had in mind, but I’ll take it.
main power supply damaged, activating auxilliary magic battery.
Who do what now?
shell woke up and began to get up, but then the xenopony attacked him again, he kicked the pony off and got to his hooves, leaning back a little to compensate for the loss of a limb.
Is there any reason at all that the Xenopony isn’t tearing Shtuell apart like a rag doll?
“this ends here.” he groaned as his servos whirred with difficulty, the belt in his back rotated and found his rocket launcher,
He has ready access to a frickin’ rocket launcher?!? Why the hell did he pull out his Kewl Sward then?
On second thought, it’s probably a bad idea to fire a rocket launcher at something hanging off your ceiling – especially in a place as shoddily built as this palace.
he drew it and shot at the Xenopony, it attempted to dodge but the splash effect destroyed the lower portion of it’s body, it fell, melting a hole in the floor, it crawled towards shell, but died just short of him.
And then the palace collapsed, killing hundreds of innocents in the process. The End.
the guards and ponies alike ran down to the dungeon to see what had happened, Shell smiled with what was left of his face, “the deed is done, repairs please, Grease?”
You’re going to need a hell of a contractor to fix all the shit you’ve broken, buddy.
Grease smiled and beckoned,
He’s missing a leg! The least you could do is go over to him.
And from behind!
there came a multitude of hissing and screeching, Shell turned back around to see at least a hundred Xenoponies crawling along the walls, ceiling. even walking on the floor, all of them walking towards them, jaws ready to strike.
:deadpan: Oh, my; what a shocking new development. It’s not as if I could guess from the title – rise of the Xenoponies and not rise of the Xenopony – that multiple Xenoponies would show up at some point.
If it’s a turtle, it’s a Squirtle? What does that have to do with a herd of attacking Xenoponies?
The fic just sort of cuts off there; it’s not marked as Completed but there hasn’t been any activity for a long time so I think it may have been abandoned. At least I don’t have to sit through a laundry list of fight scenes where Shtuell defeats Xenopony after Xenopony with ass-pulled (possibly literally) weaponry.