1649: My Inner Life: Chapter 24 Part 1
Posted: January 10, 2017 Filed under: Legend of Zelda, My Inner Life, Uncategorized | Tags: Erttheking, Legend of Zelda, Link's Queen, My Inner Life, Romance
Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: Well, it’s the last chapter to this Godforsaken story. Let’s just get it done and over with.
Nora: No fanfare, let’s just get right into it.
Evading the Shadow
The trip back was quiet for the most part, although we did worry about Draconians patrolling the skies or Dark Knights on ground patrol. We kept on trails that were mainly concealed, avoiding open areas or staying in one place for too long. We rode all night long, taking turns sleeping on horseback.
Nora: They need sleep. The horses, on the other hand, are possessed by evil spirits that will force them to keep running until the end of time.
Goeth: Could be worse.
I was the first one to sleep while Link guided my horse by rope. Then we switched and I took the lead guiding his horse till morning.
Ert: Because Jenna strikes me as the type of person who could sleep when her horse is maintaining a full gallop.
We ate dried meat and cheese for breakfast then stopped at the Snake River to wash up and refill our waterskins. We built another makeshift raft and then crossed the treacherous river.
Nora: Because there was something wrong with the one that they built the first time that they came through.
Goeth: It may be makeshift, but one would hope that they could build something that didn’t fall apart after a single journey.
Once on the other side, we disposed of the raft and covered up our tracks as so we could not be followed. We rode all the way to the Black Desert without stopping to rest since we were close to Ariakas’s border.
Ert: And apparently they don’t need to cover their tracks once they get into the desert. Because logic.
Nora: Also, and I could be wrong with this, I don’t think people that patrol from the backs of airborne dragons really notice tracks on the ground. They’re a little too high up for that.
Once we arrived at the Black Desert, we wrapped our heads with damp rags and gave some water to the horses before crossing the hot desert.
Ert: Apparently that’s all you need before crossing a harsh desert. I doubt that a damp rag will help you that much. It’ll dry out quickly and then you’ve effectively wasted water.
Nora: You want light, loose clothes you freaking kids.
The trek across the Black Desert was long and treacherous. The heat was immense and the sand caused my mouth to dry out.
Goeth: Then stop putting it in your mouth.
I nearly drank all my water before we finally reached the desert border.
Ert: It’s only been a freaking day and you came here from a river. How the fuck are you already almost out of water?
Nora: Don’t tell me she wasted it on a bath or something stupid like that.
Once we left the desert behind, we found a small river and stopped to rest and wash up again.
Nora: For fuck’s sake. You people are in a hurry and there could be dragons nearby. You can clean yourselves up when you’re home.
Link and I sat under a Hugh burlap tree, enjoying the shade it provided while we ate bread and cheese. Then feeling my eyes growing heavy, I cuddled into Link’s arms and took a well deserved nap.
Link awoke me a short time later then we resumed heading home.
Ert: Well that added a lot. I don’t know why you need to rest before you get to Hyrule, considering you made the country to country journey just fine the first time. How come now you need to stop and rest?
Goeth: Pacing is an alien term to this story.
We finally arrived back in Hyrule just before nightfall. The pinkish lavender coated skies reached its hand across Hyrule Field, giving it even more immense beauty. We headed for the drawbridge and crossed it just before it was raised for the night.
Nora: You two sure like leaving things until the last second.
We rode all the way to the first gate where my old friend Perrino was on guard duty. As we approached him he jumped as a look of pure shock crossed his face. “Oh by the Goddesses…Jenna you and Link have finally returned home!”
Ert: It’s been three freaking days! How the hell did you already go to a different country and come back?
Nora: Seriously though, why is he acting like them coming back is something that he wasn’t expecting? Did he think they were dead?
Goeth: Think or hope? Important distinction to make.
“Do you wish to see Princess Zelda tonight?” He asked smiling. “Yes we do Perrino, and with great urgency.” “We have some very important information.” I returned sternly, my face glowing with concern. “Yes at once then mistress Jenna.” Perrino returned as he slid the gate open.
Ert: Buddy, you can call her whatever kinky name you want AFTER we deal with the dragon riding conquerers.
Goeth: Open relationship huh? Wasn’t expecting that from this story.
We rode up the dirt path and to the second gate where the guards took our horses to the royal stables then led us inside the castle. We were then led to the throne room where Zelda was waiting, her eyes shimmering with happiness that we returned home safely. But that was all soon to change when we told her about our encounter with Draconians and Dark Knights.
Ert: Wait, so you set Link on fire?
Ert: But he was on the dragon when you set it on fire.
Nora: No he wasn’t.
Ert: But I-
Nora: I AM THE BEST WIFE IN THE WORLD AND I DO EVERYTHING RIGHT!
After she heard all the information we possessed, security was upped at every border and along the perimeter near the Black Desert and Gerudo Desert.
Goeth: More details please. From what little you are describing, you could be doing something as simple and mundane as sending two more extra soldiers out.
Ert: And why the Hell are you concerned about the Gerudos? They’re on the exact opposite side of Hyrule as the Dracoknights! Is Zelda secretly racist?
Word had spread quickly threw Hyrule about Ariakas and his Draconians, causing the citizens of Hyrule to be thrown into a shear panic. People in Kakariko Village had started boarding up windows and bolting doors. More guards were stationed along the border to Death Mountain and just outside the entrance to the village.
Nora: Well congrats Zelda. You did a great job preventing mass panic. Well I suppose it could’ve been Link or Jenna, but one of them must’ve dropped the ball, as they were the only ones to know.
Ert: And what exactly did Link and Jenna learn on their trip that they didn’t already know from Hugh? Why is information just NOW spreading?
Goeth: Yes, boarded up windows. That will stop dragons.
The word had even spread to the Kokiri Forest and Gerudo Valley. The Gerudo’s had started upping their defensive training and attack strategies. The Gerudo leaders were pushing all the women from as young as fourteen to enter the harsh Gerudo Training Grounds to hone in on their attack skills.
Ert: I wonder if they ever realized that the Ice Arrow went missing from there after Link showed up.
Nora: And yes, attack skills. The rooms with timed puzzles and longshot sections will help a great deal with that. As well as the part where you need to go underwater.
Goeth: Let’s be honest, it was designed as a video game level, not a real training ground.
Security had even became tightlipped among their hideout. Only persons possessing the Gerudo’s Membership cards were allowed within its walls.
Ert: And bringing up that silly sounding item name really undermined any tension that you were going for here.
Even the peaceful Kokiri had started training in the arts of attack and defense.
Nora: Oh dear god she is.
Ert: These people didn’t take up arms for Ganondorf, I doubt they would for this underwhelming threat.
Mido had made sure that he would not go without some way of protection for his forest or people. So every Kokiri was equipped with a Kokiri sword and small crossbow. Each were trained under the Know it all brothers whose knowledge in the arts of fighting were widely known.
Goeth: The Kokiri sword is a unique item, there’s only one. When Link gets it, it’s made clear that he’s only borrowing it.
Ert: And I’d love to know where these kids are all getting their hands on crossbows.
The Zora and Goron had even prepared for war. Security was even more tight knitted among them. No one was allowed to enter the Goron City unless they knew the song of the royal family,
Nora: LQ? I think you’re trying too hard to tie things back into the game…wow. There’s something I’d never thought I’d say about her.
Ert: Seriously. She barely has anything to do with it for the majority of the story and now she’s trying to cram references in every other sentence. It’s absurd. And she’s shoving in the awkward sections that don’t really fit with the high fantasy story she’s trying to pretend that she’s telling. What’s next? Will she bring up the legendary Hole of Z?
and the Zoras admitted no one unless they were in direct contact with the royal family. Even as peaceful as these races have been known to be, they became more warlike, steeled themselves for battle with the threat of such a deadly enemy as Ariakas.
Ert: I have no idea why though. Ariakas has been ignoring them for the better part of a century, being more concerned with attacking the Griffons. I don’t know why he’d change targets out of nowhere when he’s got a much closer enemy he hasn’t beaten yet.
I watched as most of Hyrule prepared for impending doom,
Goeth: Such an optimist.
their very lives being thrust into a state of turmoil. Fear had spread out among the entire countryside with the knowledge that a Dark Knight on dragon back could attack at any time.
Ert: It’s been that way for decades and they haven’t. Seriously, what has changed? What has changed in this story that makes it clear that Ariakas is a credible threat to Hyrule?
Nora: Nothing. People just happen to know that he exists now.
Most Hylians who crossed Hyrule Field to get from one place to another, usually did not stay out in the open too long with that kind of threat upon them.
But there were precautions taken to try to prevent any Draconians form entering Hyrule airspace. Watchtowers were put up along the borders to the Black and Gerudo Deserts. One was even stationed at the infamous Spirit Temple, where Nabooru herself stayed in close contact with.
Goeth: And those towers will prove to be rather ineffective, as I’m rather certain that by the time you get a rider with a messenger out, the dragon will have already overtaken the rider and have headed deeper inland.
Ert: A bad fanfic with watchtowers? OH GOD I’M GETTING FUCKING MY LITTLE UNICORN FLASHBACKS!
But even with watchtowers in place, no one could be sure that a Draconian patrol small enough could slip past the watchtowers and cross Hyrule’s border. Plans were put into the works by Princess Zelda to establish an air patrol of some kind. Ground patrol had been covered with Knights on horse back, but with something patrolling the skies above, the threat of Draconians crossing the borders from above might be minimized. But there weren’t really any creatures big enough except Dragons and Griffins to carry a full grown human.
Nora: If I were her, I’d be focused on finding something that can reliably kill dragons, but whatever. Just get something that can fly, ignoring if it can actually do anything once it’s up there.
The only other creatures big enough that could fly, were the (25)Unipegs that lived to the south of Hyrule in the (26)Mystic Rainforest.
Ert: Oh for fuck’s sake, now what?
(26) A Unipeg is a cross between a unicorn and a Pegasus. The Unipegs are winged unicorns. These creatures are said to have mystical powers and can only be seen by a person pure of heart. These mystical beauties are also said to live among a magical forest that only appears in the light of the full moon, taking care of the creatures that live among it. If one is lucky to have a Unipeg come to them, it is said that all your dreams and prayers will come true.
Ert: Oh great, you managed to come up with the concept of a winged unicorn that has a really stupid sounding name. Because this story wasn’t ENOUGH like My Little Unicorn. And what’s the other one? A magical place of eternal sunshine where Captain Planet adopted Bambi?
(27) The Mystical Rainforest is a magical forest that only appears in the light of a full moon.
Nora: I already hate it.
Goeth: So it’s a nightmarish hell of a place where you only truly exist one day a month. Good to know.
This forest is constantly changing shape, making it hard for non-magic users traveling in search of it, to find it. Stories also tell that if one should enter the Magical Rainforest and are not in the ways of magic, may get lost inside the constantly changing forest and never come back out. Though, most people only seek out the forest in search of the mystical creatures called Unipegs in order to have their prayers answered.
Ert: So in other words it’s a less interesting, more pretentious Lost Forst.
But the only problem was, one; the Unipegs were a peaceful non-war like race. These winged beauties live peacefully among the forest caring for the trees and creatures that live among them. And two; The Unipegs also don’t just trust anyone like the Griffins, and usually will run at the sight of a human.
Nora: Because humans are so mean and everyone hates them, even though this story can’t bring itself to show anything above G rated violence at the hands of a bad guy. Although, oddly enough, is ok with JENNA being rather violent.
It was said that the only way to gain a Unipegs trust, is you have to be pure of heart and you must also believe in them. If your heart was pure but you didn’t believe in the Unipegs, then they wouldn’t come to you and Visa Versa. Not even that, one would even be so lucky to even find the Mystic Rainforest. This forest is under a magical spell. The properties of the forest keep changing so that one never knows whether they’re in the right forest or not. Also the forest only shows itself fully under the light of the full moon.
Nora: Once again, the annotations are rendered pointless.
Ert: Oh so we just need someone with a pure heart (Jenna) and who RLY RLY RLY believes in that thing with the stupid name on the night of the full moon? That’s all? We don’t need to brew a potion brewed with the hair of a mermaid and tears of a virgin that’s been blessed by Jesus Christ himself?
Zelda was not too sure if the Unipegs would even want to involve themselves in someone else’s problems, let alone engage in a war.
Ert: Then the whole affair sounds rather pointless, can we go home now?
But she wanted to try anyway. This was the last hope for establishing air patrol.
Nora: Because an alliance with the Griffons is totally out of the question.
Goeth: Instead of making an alliance with the creatures that can fly and don’t like humans, they’re making an alliance with the creatures that can fly and don’t like humans. Even though the first species is more militaristic and is actively at war with the enemy Hyrule is looking for enemies against. One would think a temporary alliance might be possible, but apparently not.
So she sent a small convoy along with two diplomats representing Hyrule to the Mystic Rainforest.
Nora: So you know where it is? I had been getting the impression that it was supposed to be hard to find. I guess not?
Two days later, the convoy returned with the Unipeg leader, which came as a surprise to everyone.
Ert: WELL SO FUCKING MUCH FOR THAT! All that build up about how hard it is to find the Mystical Rainforests and the bastard flying things, and how only someone of pure heart can find it, and then two days later we’ve got a successful envoys. NO TENSION MA!
After the Unipeg leader met with Princess Zelda, Link and I, he agreed to help us with our Knights to patrol the skies. The only set back was they steadfastly insisted that they would not engage in combat with any dragons. Since horsemeat was a dragon’s favorite meal, the Unipegs would’ve made a fine delicacy for the dragons.
Goeth: So this is purely for reconnaissance purpose. Again, I can’t help but feel like their time would be much better spent trying to find a way to kill the dragons reliably. Yes this would be a better way of warning about a potential attack that regular horses, but if you have no way to respond to that attack it’s a moot point.
Nora: And how exactly do these things think that they’re going to be able to recon enemy dragons and NOT get thrown into the middle of the fighting? And you know dragons consider horses to be a delicacy how? And you know that you taste like horses HOW!?
And that was something the Unipeg leader didn’t want to risk. He had said their people had been living in secret inside the Rainforest to protect themselves from evil, especially dragons.
Ert: The BRAINWASHED dragons you freaking twat. Why is everyone just glossing over that little detail?
Nora: I am getting a real racist under…OVERtone from this story.
So the Unipegs prepared themselves for a whole new way of life. Carrying humans on their backs took some time getting used to, especially for their riders. But not too long afterwards, the knights and Unipegs were working hand in hand, patrolling the skies with such marvelous and grace, flying with the swiftness of a (27)Kariee in flight.
Ert: Oh my fucking Christ-WHAT NOW!?
(28) The Kariee is a small swift predatory bird that lives along the borders of Gerudo Valley. This small desert bird hunts small mice and lizards for food; thought it will occasionally attack larger lizards and other birds. The Kariee is a territorial bird that will attack to defend its territory and any females in it from enemies and other encroaching males.
Nora: You know, I fail to see what the point of saying, “X was like Y” when you have to give an explanation on what Y is. Granted I can actually see a joke being made out of it, with the point that the speaker is really bad at getting a point across, but that’s hardly what’s happening here.
Soon there after, Unipegs carrying Hylian Knights on their backs could been seen flying over Hyrule Field. With the knowledge that some of Hyrule’s best were patrolling the skies, most Hylians became unafraid to travel across Hyrule Field.
Ert: Because the presence of a mutant freak carrying a knight but refusing to engage in combat somehow stops dragons from dropping into villages and setting everything on fire.
Goeth: They could be decoys.
Though the dangerous threat still remained, Ariakas with his evil hoard of Dark Knights and Draconians from the Shadow Realm.
Nora: Insert Yu-Gi-Oh reference here.
Weeks passed with no sign of Ariakas and his evil knights. Then one day that was all about to change.
Ert: Yeesh, spoiler alert.
Link and I had made one of our usual trips to Lake Hylia with our fairies and son to watch the sunset. Since I was now seven months pregnant, I had to regularly get out for fresh air.
Goeth: That is not how it works. LQ doesn’t seem to understand that women get less and less active the further they go in their pregnancy. They may WANT fresh air, but getting fresh air becomes more and more difficult.
Link and I had found our usual spot on top the highest hill facing west, just six feet from the lake’s bank, and snuggled down into each other’s arms. I held our son in my arms while I breast-fed him.
Ert: Honestly surprised something like this got brought up. No idea why, I just felt like LQ would skim over it and put in something stupid.
Our fairies had situated themselves at each of our sides, except Aria who landed on my left shoulder while I fed little Link. A cool breeze rustled gently across the area, causing sweet smells of the approaching autumn to brush against our noses. With a gusty sigh, I backed up against Link’s chest and snuggled my cheek against his, while his gentle deep blue eyes were transfixed towards the lake.
Goeth: Question, why is the “unexpected” event taking place at this lake? It seems like LQ considers Lake Hylia to be a fallback mechanism. When in doubt, make something happen here.
Ert: First Dark Link, then Hugh, and now whatever is about to happen. This lake seems to attract plot.
I had always enjoyed these peaceful times with Link. Everything was quiet and serene, no one around to bother us. The threat of Ariakas had slowly started to dissipate, and everyone started to return to their normal lives.
Or so we thought….
Nora: Look LQ, you already made one utterly forced bit of foreshadowing, don’t double down.
The sun’s last rays started to disappear over the horizon, it’s golden orange lavender rays stretched its reach over the lake, causing it to glisten like small diamonds. I watched in awe like I always have done as the reddish orange ball disappeared over the horizon giving way to the deep blue color of the approaching night. Small white lights started to line the night sky as Link and I got up and brushed ourselves off. I wrapped our son in a tan wool blanket and we proceeded to gather the horses and head home, when I felt a sudden whoosh behind me.
Ert: I don’t get it. The story more or less flat out tells us that shit be going down, then it stalls before actually getting to the shit going down.
Goeth: I’ve got nothing, unless the story is trying to make the promised danger so obvious that we dismiss it as a Red Herring.
Nora: This story isn’t clever enough to even know what a Red Herring is.
I swiftly turned around towards the lake. Shadows of dancing objects in the wind moved across the water’s surface, but I saw nothing that caused that sudden rush of cold wind behind me.
Ert: Question Jenna. Why would you see something that causes the wind? Or are you seeing into the future to when Wind Waker was released?
I turned back around wearily and walked over to my horse. I patted the horse gently on the neck then proceeded to fasten Link jr into his small saddle. After he was secured on his saddle I mounted my mare and moved over to Link who had just finished fixing his saddlebags. But as I waited for Link to mount his stallion, I could not help but feeling as if we were being watched. After Link mounted his horse, I moved in closer to him so I was directly next to his ear.
“Link, I don’t know if you feel it too, but do you feel as if we’re being watched?”
Nora: *Narration thinks something* “Character says exact same thing.” 10/10 storytelling.
Goeth: And tiny baby saddle. Because of course.
I asked him barely audible, while my eyes watched nervously forward. Link paused for a moment then turned to face me. “Are your sure Jenna?” “I don’t sense anything of that stature.”
Nora: How does I English?
“Maybe you’re just nervous about something.” Link said softly and he placed a warm hand against my cheek. “I don’t know.” “I cannot help but feel as if something is watching me, staring at me with evil eyes.” “I don’t know about you, but I’m anxious to leave and go home.”
Ert: She’s anxious to leave and go home. Oh, ok then. Let’s just stay at this lake forever.
Nora: Home is scary and I never want to go back there.
“I still think that you’re just worried about something,
Ert: NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK! It’s not a question of whether or not she’s worried about something, it’s a question on whether her concerns are valid or not. Which they are because the story wouldn’t be wasting our time otherwise.
but if you want to leave my love then we will.” Link cupped his other hand on my other cheek and pulled my face close to his. “But to make you feel better love, I will give you a nice hot sponge bath when we get home.” Link said soothingly as he inclined his lips to mine. After a minute of peaceful eternity, I looked deeply into his eyes. “You always know how to make me feel better.” “And that’s one of the reasons why I married you.”
Ert: Not to kink shame, but was LQ into maiesiophilia? Or was she just really not thinking this through? I’d like to remind you that Jenna is seven months pregnant at this point. Also, thanks LQ, you made me google what pregnancy fetishism was called. As if my Google history from writing research didn’t make me enough of a NSA hot spot.
I said softly against his lips, then inclined to them again. The moments we spent locked in each other’s kiss seemed to tick to an eternity of pure bliss as our small soft kisses soon gave way to deeper more passionate kisses, and as we held the blissful position I suddenly felt warm and peaceful inside. The feelings of being watch soon left my body and opened up to ones of pleasure.
Goeth: I feel like we’re getting back to this story’s origin.
Ert: Right. Remember when it wasn’t baby’s first high fantasy novel and instead it was baby’s first self insert sex fanfiction? Well now it’s both, and all the bad has been concentrated and formed a singularity of shit.
Then we drew apart and I took Link’s hand and nuzzled my cheek into his palm. “I don’t know what came over me.” “I suddenly feel foolish for thinking that something was watching me when it must have all been a dream.”
Ert: Yes, the feeling you got when you were very clearly awake was a dream.
Nora: I hope she saved the receipt for those cat instincts of hers, because they kinda suck.
Goeth: Apparently they can be overridden by the desire to procreate. A very defective design if I do say so myself.
I said, feeling slightly embarrassed. Link took his hand, lowered it under my chin and lifted my head up until our eyes met again. “I don’t think your foolish my love, in fact, your more then that.” “Your still the most marvelous, sweet, beautiful women I feel in love with.” “And it’s those reasons why you should not feel foolish.”
Nora: I still think you’re totally wrong and don’t believe you though. Because screw you.
Ert: Just have whatever it is pop out at us already. A good story can drag out a foregone conclusion, but this is not a good story.
Link lowered his face and cupped his hands around my face again, drawling me closer until our noses were just barely touching. “But if it would make you feel better sweet love, we should start heading home now.” “I think our son needs to get out of this night air and into bed.”
Goeth: Air is well known for changing properties based on sunlight.
Inclining forward, I softly placed a light kiss against his lips. “You’re right my love, I would favor that we get home and get our son to bed.” “I’m also waiting in anxiety to get that sponge bath you promised me.” I said seductively, my eyes twinkling with a certain desire.
Nora: Again, not trying to kink shame, but she’s even months pregnant at this point. Just making sure that everyone is clear on that front.
Ert: I seriously doubt people that pregnant are that sexually active.
“As you wish.” Link returned with a broad grin. “You’re my Queen.” He added teasingly, then turned his horse towards the entrance to the lake and booted the horse in the legs, taking off at a gallop. With a gusty sigh and a soft smile, I gestured for our fairies to follow then booted my horse as well and followed Link’s path.
Ert: If this wasn’t the last chapter I’d honestly consider starting a kin counter. Too late now. Sorry about how short this is, I’m still feeling burnt out. Come back next week when we FINALLY put this story to bed.