1646: The Savior – Chapters Eight and Nine

 

Title: The Savior
Author: bubbersgod
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dark Souls
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter Eight
Critiqued by Leider Hosen 

!!Warning!! You know the drill. While not comparable to allstars like Jasmine Cumslut or Celebrian, the following riff is rife with casual sexism and substantial flamebait. There is also an explicit sex scene, so the squick is real. However! It is advisable you only skip the first part and not miss out on this one.

Welcome back patrons, to The Savior! I got a little intense last time-

Abrelepine: A little?

But this time I came prepared. I caught up on my sleep, brought a squeaky toy to squeeze, stocked up on caffeine, and I swung by the PCC and picked up some blueberry-mint flavor, maximum strength Chill Pills.

Abrelepine: Hosen, you really went shopping there?

Hey, their products may be annoying and overused, but the service was damn good and the deals are unreal. It’s no wonder so many writers shop there. Additionally, I have successfully removed Sulyvahn’s righteous antics from the previous chapter with no damage to the spacetime continuum, and confiscated his Blue Eye Orb so he doesn’t invade it again.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: You can retcon the act, but not the satisfaction.

About that. We can’t keep murdering our fic. I managed to get indicted by Badfic Protective Services and they’ve ordered an immediate cease and desist of all lethal shenanigans or there will be dire consequences.

Abrelepine: Like what?

No idea, I didn’t even know they were a thing until they ferried me this bloodied parchment via carrier pigeon. It’s pretty sternly worded so it must be serious.

Chapter 8 Priscilla’s gift

The two made it safely to fire link. Some time back the Savior had built a small hut around the fire to accommodate travelers whom came to visit this place and to stave off weather when needed.

When!? How in the fuck did you do that when you’ve only been there once to see Frampt!? Were you in Lordran before the story even started, then left to get the curse, then came back? Because that makes no goddamn sense since you can get the Darksign in Lordran! *Hosen downs a Chill Pill, basking in the blueberry mintness* Ah. These things are freaking awesome. PCC, do your thing:

+With quantum phasing technology prices at an all-time low, it’s never been easier to retcon your very own continuity with PCC realty’s Time-traveling Housing! Big or small, you already built it! Contact your local branch today.+

I feel good for them, they’re going to be in the black for a decade by the time this fic is over.

He led her in and began to remove his clothes. As she witnessed the burns and scar’s on his entire body she cried for his pain. She had contributed to this, he was burned during his Savior casting on her.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I didn’t notice.

How many times has he done this she thought. How many more times must he do this also surfaced in her mind. He turned to her and she wiped her tears so he wouldn’t have to shush her.

-breathing heavily, Hosen creeps his hand over to the duck-taped buzzer and gently taps it, not putting all the reasons this exchange is fucking stupid to words for the sake of everyone around him-

Sexist Douchecanoe: 8

She slowly undressed in front of him. Making his member stand in attention. When she got done she saw it, his cock was throbbing and huge.

Her was a little scared now, she ha no idea it was so huge. It scared her but she wanted this, she begged him for this.

Abrelepine: Ugh. Of course she is intimidated by the size of his cock like the Daughters of Chaos because the audience needs to be reminded how strong and powerful he is and what not. This just reeks of desperation.

He placed her down on the small mat next to the fire, all the while kissing her up an down her neck, witch she didn’t object to. He spread her legs and looked into her beautiful but scared eyes. She said, “Be gentle, I am still a virgin!” just before he slowly entered her tight hole.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I would have remarked that line is cliché and dull, but considering Savior Stu’s actions thus far, I believe Lady Priscilla reminding him to be gentle is very warranted.

It wasn’t like the pale sister, but still tight.

I love how the only descriptions we get of woman are their skin, eyes, hair, tits, ass, and how tight their vaginas are. And it just occurred to me that not only is he comparing their vagina tightness mid sex, but he hasn’t said “the pale sister’s” name once!

Say it with me: Quelaan. Queeelaaaaan, it isn’t that fucking hard.

Sexist Douchecanoe: 9

She cried silently into his muscular chest. He kissed her and rubbed her to calm her as he worked slowly. She was in pain but his voice was like ice on the wound, so soothing. Soon enough little pleads of mercy and silent sobs of pain turned into hums of bliss and the word yes or Savior escaped her small lips.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* You know what they say, third time’s the charm! Because the same shitty annoying hums of pleasure were so endearing the first two times. This is about as erotic as a wet dictionary being slapped open and shut. There’s no intimacy whatsoever, it’s just “He stuck his penis in my vagina and it was the best feeling that ever was and I thrice blessed him for the rapturous feeling of his cock inside me!” with a little idiotic pillow talk on the side. Because romantic.

…I feel dirty for typing that.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I’m pretty certain the author is a virgin, and doomed to stay that way.

He was working a little faster now with her permission and she was now gasping for air in between quick thrusts and lightly yelling, “SAVIOR!” or, YES!”

You just said that! You just said the same damn thing not one sentence ago, only this time you bothered to add quotes. That entire phrase is a waste of text!

[The warning siren of the Department of Redundancy Department warning siren blares blaringly]

And now we’re doing this again!

Abrelepine: Shall I?

I reinforced the halls with a pack of Skeledoggos from the Tomb of Giants and turned the lights out. I don’t think they’ll be getting through anytime soon.

he grabbed one of her nipples with his mouth. He sucked it and swirled his tongue around making her moan even more. The slapping and squishing sounds of their act could be heard by visitors and king seeker Frampt near the small hut.

Rood Dood

Abrelepine: I myself like to get noisy, but in this case yes. Keep it to yourself, better yet stop doing it completely, one of you running around is enough.

Nobody dared disturb him as he continued to pump in and out of her small frame quicker by the minute. And soon enough the two exploded in ecstasy together.

Priscilla was still breathing heavy and turned on her side to grab her new lover. She fell asleep with him in her arms. He fucked her again when she woke even harder making quite the racket, not knowing yet others where waiting to rest at the fire.

Stop hogging the fucking bonfire! You’re in an apocalyptic hellscape and other undead need to sit down and rest. They could be out of Estus or critically wounded you know. Which reminds me,

WHERE IS EVERYBODY!?

Let’s take a head count of everyone that should be here by now:

The Crestfallen Knight is a superbly skilled swordsmen that gave up the fight, and now embraces his death since he sees life as ultimately pointless. Secretly wishes he had the power to be the Chosen, and gives you low-key advice to help you. Steadily goes hollow when you prove he was wrong, and there was hope to prevail all along. He, as a hollow, confronts you in New Londo in a one-on-one duel. Never appears.

Anastacia is a Firekeeper, the worst job ever for numerous reasons. Was mutilated by having her tongue and the tendons in her legs cut out since she spoke against the church for being forced into her duty. Has had her will broken and is now repentant for her actions. Never appears.

Lautrec kills the Firekeeper to feed her soul to his goddess, Fina, who is known to lead people astray. You hunt him down and kill him to get the soul back, and while he’s seen as evil he has very confusing morals. Never appears.

Petrus pretends to be your friend, but there is something off about him, Lautrec actually hints that he knows Petrus is evil. Turns out that Petrus commissioned Trusty Patches to kill Rhea, the maiden he was supposed to protect. Why is never known, so you’re left to guess it yourself. Doesn’t appear.

Rhea is a maiden from a distant land sent on a suicide mission to claim the Rite of Kindling from Nito. She has been abandoned by the church for her undeath, and is betrayed by Petrus and left to die. If you rescue her, Petrus kills Rhea later and pretends that she left. Kill Petrus, Rhea lives and goes hollow after giving all her miracles to you, dying alone. Does not appear.

Siegmeyer ran from his wife and daughter to seek a life of adventure before he hollowed, not wanting to burden them. He’s jolly but naïve and you save him from death many times. Each time you come to his rescue, he loses his faith in himself a little more, until he goes hollow. The only way to avert this is to let him sacrifice his life so he can die as himself. Absent.

Sieglinde is Siegmeyer’s daughter, who did the impossible and came all way the way to Lordran as a human (IE, with one life to lose) so she could deliver the dying words of her mother to her father. She tracks him to Ash Lake when he goes hollow, and puts him down so he won’t hurt anyone. Notice her? No. That’s because she isn’t here.

Laurentius is a pyromancer searching for Quelana so he can learn her techniques and ascend to the upper levels of pyromancy. You save him from getting eaten by the butchers, and in return he teaches you pyromancy. He actually can survive the entire game, but if you tell him where Quelana is, she conceals herself from him and he goes mad searching for her in vain. Savior Stu never saved him, so he got nommed.

For someone who loves to say The Savior is a friend to all living things, this setting, which should be filled with all the characters you’ve met up to this point, sure is barren. Of all the characters, with all the story ripe for the picking, only four named characters have had quoted dialogue lasting more than a sentence, a few more never had their names said and had their dialogue summarized in narration, and everyone else is fucking gone.

Not My Dark Souls: 18

This is the worst kind of Gary Stu story, the kind where the entire universe is a vacuum of emptiness where the Gary Stu does Gary Stu things and there is no-one else but the one-dimensional women he’s using as fleshlights and occasionally a hastily rushed in cameo to trick the audience into thinking there’s an actual cast. Anyway, what’s next on the menu, now that he’s done porking Priscilla?

He finished and got out covered in sweat to leave, only to find a few men clapping and whistling at him. He calmed them down an dared them to say or do anything to the fair lady in the hut. None of then would nor did they plan to. But when they saw her face later that day they understood, who wouldn’t claim such a maiden so vigorously?

*Hosen chomps down several Chill Pills* Of course! Of course the men are as one-dimensional as the woman in this masturbation fantasy. Yeah, I sure had sex with Priscilla in the most alpha way possible, don’t you beta males dare move in on my female. And also, of course everyone in the camp wants to fuck Priscilla to, she just looks so fuckable doesn’t she?

Sexist Douchecanoe: 9

*Pontiff Sulyvahn slams his fists on the table, jumping so abruptly his chair flips out from under him*

Sulyvahn: Enough! I have had it up to here with your [CENSORED] you [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED], your mother [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] to [CENSORED] you [CENSORED]. If you utter one syllable at my Lady that is not “Please forgive my [CENSORED]” I will personally step into your world and [CENSORED] you.

Can one thing in this story be good? Can we get one thing that is described in more than one goddamn sentence that doesn’t involve the fucking Gary Stu piece of shit killing something with his bullshit powerups or seducing woman with his reckless stupidity (somehow)?

Anyway, we cut to next chapter where-

Chapter 9 Anor Londo and Savior’s defeat

…I think I misread that, hold on.

Anor Londo and Savior’s defeat

I’m sorry, what was that? -leans in, hand cupped to ear-

Savior’s defeat

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Is this a dream?

Abrelepine: If it is, I hope I don’t wake up from it.

Finally after a long period of time our savior has made his way to the hall leading to the Lord Vessel. But when he entered a massive door way, two great foes appeared before him. It was Dragon Slayer Ornstein and Executioner Smough.

OHHHHH SHIEEEET BOIS

Ornstein wielded a powerful lightning spear and Smough, a massive fat hollow clad in gold armor, wielded possibly the largest hammer in existence.

I could fucking kiss you two right now! Never could I imagine that I’d be happy to see you ganking assholes. For those of you who’ve been living under a rock since these two are the most iconic thing in all of Soulsbourne next to Giantdad, Ornstein and Smough, otherwise known as the Super Anor Londo Brothers, Drake and Josh…

-a billion years later-

Pikachu and Snorax is a double boss fight which prevents you from claiming the Lordvessel, the key to the Kiln of the First Flame. They are famous for being absurdly hard to defeat, as there are two of them and one of you (unless you bring a Sunbro). You’ll notice they are polar opposites, which they use to their advantage because their tactics synergize extremely well:

 

ornstein-smough-large

The one on the left is Executioner Smough, who wants to become one of the Four Knights, Gwyn’s most trusted elite warriors. He’s very strong, but he was disqualified for being way too fucking crazy (he giggles like a fiend through the whole fight). Despite his looks, he’s pretty quick and employs “I smash you dead” and “I bulldozer you to the floor” tactics with his sheer brunt.

The one on the right is Dragonslayer Ornstein, with a bit more of a storied history. He’s a modest twelve feet tall and is not as physically strong as some of the other giants, but he’s unbelievably nimble and very good with that spear of his. As far as experience goes, he was so effective in the war on the dragons he was made the captain of the Four Knights of Gwyn and permanently gained the epitaph “Dragonslayer”. In the prime of Anor Londo’s power, he was the third in command of Gwyn’s armies, and it was said his spear could slice boulders clean down the middle. It also goes without saying he is accompanied by an unbe-fucking-lievably majestic and powerful boss theme.

Also, while he was already a fan favorite, Dark Souls 3 made him even more of a badass by revealing that you only fight an illusory simulation of him and the real deal abandoned his post to find his mentor and bring him home.

Wanna know his mentor was?

Behold the Nameless King of Anor Londo. The Sun’s Firstborn, Heir to Lightning, King of the Storm, Ally of Dragons, Creator of the Cross Spear, and God of War.

Behold the Nameless King of Anor Londo. The Sun’s Firstborn, Heir to Lightning, King of the Storm, Ally of Dragons, Creator of the Cross Spear, and God of War.

Long story short, these two are not to be trifled with. In fact, that’s a bit of an understatement. These two are among the Lordran’s greatest warriors. And Savior Stu is facing them alone.

They both rushed the savior, whom tried to reason with the two but they where both sadly hollow.

Kick his fucking ass, Orns!

Abrelepine: We believe in you!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: May your resolve be unfaltering!

The Savior tried to cast his Necromancer magic, but every time he was struck by Ornstein.

Yeah, yeah baby, yeah!

He tried to fight Ornstein with his sword, but Smough would almost clip him with his massive hammer. It was a long and tiresome fight trying to inflict damage on either great fighter. If only he could defeat one, the fight would become immensely easier. He could tell Ornstein was finally beginning to show signs of defeat but in one swoop from behind, Smough hit the Savior with a rising swing of his hammer, flinging him in the air.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH BABY!!!

And before the Savior hit the ground, Ornstein rushed over to slam him into the ground with his lightning spear.

The savior was unable to move. The two had defeated the powerful savior.

*All three stand, tears streaming down their faces in a rapture of euphoria as their thunderous standing ovations shake the riffing chamber. After several moments, Hosen wipes a tear from his eye, his voice nearly too cracked to utter words*

I’m sorry patrons, but you cannot know what this means to me. After all this bullshit, after the sentence long battles and canon violation, seeing the Stu on the receiving end is almost too much to handle. My Lord, that was beautiful. My only complaint is that is couldn’t be longer.

Abrelepine: Encore, I demand an encore!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Positively stunning. It’s a shame there is no way this fic could reach such a climax again.

He was not dead, but unconscious.

*snerk* let’s see what wikidot has to say about Smough, whist you lay there unconscious:

“Great hammer from the soul of executioner Smough, who guards the cathedral in the forsaken city of Anor Londo. Smough loved his work, and ground the bones of his victims into his own feed, ruining his hopes of being ranked with the Four Knights.”

Smough: OM NOM NOM

The two great fighters had proven to much of a challenge for him. Some preparations where clearly needed and it seemed as though his normal magic was not enough for the job, he would have to seek some Savior’s Casting magic scrolls for this battle. Any foe would tremble before the might of ANY of the great Savior’s Casting’s, which are unarguably the most powerful magics in the entire history of the world. These magics will not be easy to find, and differ from the standard abilities of the Savior’s gauntlets in that they can inflict heavy damage rather than save or alter peoples and places health.

He decided to head for fire link when he woke, but he was now sporting a broken leg, cracked ribs, and deep gashes in his chest.

-Savior Stu drags himself out of a bloody crater- “Mehmehmehmehmeh D’ll show you when I get back, I have the strongest bestest casts in the entire universe in the history of ever! I let you win this time but my power is infinity and beyond can’t-”

-Orns kicks him in his broken ribs, pointing his spear at the door while the Savior whimpers in pain- “Stop bleeding on the Great Lord’s floor, or I may be tempted to allow my ‘friend’ to devour you.”

Smough: *giggle*

“Mehmehmehmehmehmehmhe mehmeh!” -Savior Stu rabbles as he drags himself along the floor, his broken leg trailing behind him-

“Don’t come back, filthy human.”

“Mehmehmeh!”

Literary Genius: 8

His cloak and hood would now need some repairing as well so he stopped at the near by bonfire to work on them and heal.

Abrelepine: Wherever the bonfire is, he’s crawling there with cracked ribs and a broken leg. On his belly. How far away is this “nearby” bonfire exactly?

Well, the closer of the two he can’t get to because his leg is broken and there’s a shitload of stairs. So he has to go to the other one.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: From the cathedral hall to the outer wall of Anor Londo is roughly a kilometer. Since he is crawling with a broken leg and blood loss, I imagine he could cover that distance is roughly… two hours.

Our hero ladies and Gentleman! Shittalking the greatest student of the God of War and his deranged companion while he pathetically crawls from one side of Anor Londo to the other busted to shit, O&S just watching him go out of sheer pity!

And would you look at that, it appears we’re out of time today, and boy did we leave on a high note. Don’t expect it to last, but wow did this fic earn a genuine lol at the end there. Tune in next time!

Vereor Nox.

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14 Comments on “1646: The Savior – Chapters Eight and Nine”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Chapter 8 Priscilla’s gift

    I think it is worth noting once again that ‘Gift’ is a false cognate in German that actually means ‘Poison’.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    She was in pain but his voice was like ice on the wound,

    What, painful and unnecessary?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    And soon enough the two exploded in ecstasy together.

    So is that like the drug version of bursting into treats?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    He finished and got out covered in sweat to leave, only to find a few men clapping and whistling at him.

    That’s… creepy.

  5. BatJamags says:

    Sexist Douchecanoe: 8

    He’s gone past a douchecanoe at this point. He’s at least a douchecatamaran.

    Alright, so maybe I just said that because I wanted to type the word “douchecatamaran,” but can you blame me?

  6. BatJamags says:

    Her was a little scared now, she ha no idea it was so huge.

    Author, your insecurity is showing.

  7. BatJamags says:

    Savior’s defeat

    Well, that’s a bit better. I mean, the story’s not going to live up to it, but it’s better.

  8. BatJamags says:

    It was Dragon Slayer Ornstein and Executioner Smough.

    Ooh, are we in for a Mega Ornstein smackdown? I’m always up for a Mega Ornstein smackdown.

    • BatJamags says:

      The savior was unable to move. The two had defeated the powerful savior.

      Not even Mega Ornstein? Sweet.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      The fact he’s even alive at all is because Orns didn’t find him worthy enough to kill and Smough had a stomachache from chewing on a Giantdad in the previous newgame cycle (He got back up and PWNed his stomach). The author even felt the need to backpedal and go “Uhhhh he just needs another powerup! Yeh, don’t worry audience he’s still the baddest bad badass evah he just wasn’t feeling well!”

      You gotta love how there comes a point when not even Stufluance is strong enough to overcome the canon and the author feels forced to have his Stu lose because there is no way they could out-badass their opponent.

      Funnily enough, (spoiler) this is the only fight Savior Stu outright loses in this whole fic. I’m gonna guess it has something to do with the 100,000,000,000 times the author and his two summons must have died to them, permanently scarring him for life and convincing them they must be literal living gods.

  9. AmyXFuckShitOTP says:

    rapturous feeling

  10. AmyXFuckShitOTP says:

    Which reminds me,

    WHERE IS EVERYBODY!?

    Given how the characters that *have* shown up so far have been portrayed… maybe it’s good thing the rest are mysteriously absent.

    Just pretend Lautrec ferried them off to safety using a hidden rowboat in Ash Lake or something ;)

  11. agigabyte says:

    Pontiff Sulyvahn: You can retcon the act, but not the satisfaction.

    Geronimo: Retcons are Supreme Commander Dwight’s thing. You shouldn’t intrude upon his territory.

    *An awkward silence ensues*

    Geronimo: I was expecting divine wrath.

    Santa: The Supreme Commander is not Goddess.

    Geronimo: I suppose you’re right. Besides, he’s also not Goddess.

    *DuFresne appears*

    DuFresne: That was horrible, and you should be ashamed of yourself for interrupting my meal.

    Santa: That’s what she should be ashamed of?


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