1640: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside – Chapters Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, and NineteenPosted: January 1, 2017
Title: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside
Author: Unknown/Fake Tara
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Romance, Parody
Critiqued by Angie
Warning: This story steps beyond the normal ridiculousness of My Immortal into incestuous pedophilia this chapter. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ll be dousing my eyes with bleach in my blanket fort. – Lyle
What’s up preps? It’s Angie back again with another edition of Angie’s Torture Hour, which is ironically the plot of My Immortal 2. But I’m back!
So…here’s the thing. There’s only four chapters in this part. Let me explain.
I was compiling the chapters I was going to do into my Google Doc, and I realised that some of the chapters in the next group of five are surprisingly long. Not extremely long, but long as far as My Immortal chapters go. So I’m only doing four chapters today. But the fourth chapter is the length of two average chapters. So don’t hate me. Next week, I will finish the fanfic, and then return with another fanfiction. See if you can guess what it is.
Also, one last thought. Last time, if you weren’t here, we learned that there are at least two different Voldemort’s, Smashing Pumpkins and Panic! At the Disco are essentially the same band, and that Tara and Justin broke up. Okay? Let’s begin.
Chapter 16 XXXeditdXXX
AN: I dunt car wat u suy, im gong 2 kep ritng diz stry!!111 U cnt kep rportng me, bt i wll kep gong!! dis chpta is scry bdw.
I’m always ready for something scary! I can’t wait to see what we’re ripping off this week! The Exorcist? Insidious? Scream? I must know! It’s essential!
“U shal cnvert or DI!!1111” Voldsmort yeld in dat old qway. Da Def Delas wnt & kild a fw of dat goffx, cuz da ddnt wnt 2 bcum prepz. 1 of dem hd der heed ct of.
“Dat is wat gong 2 hppnd if u dunt cnvrt” he yelf
Off with their heads!
Der is nowy dat im gong 2 bcum a prep”, gof kid yeld. It wuz Coln Grevy,
Hell yeah Colin! Show Voldemort who’s boss! Wait…
but dat wuz nt wat dey cld hm animore.
*headdesk* OF COURSE IT’S NOT!
He wuz nw cald Reapa.
OF COURSE HE IS! DUH! *headdesk* Jesus….
He dscovd dat hs rul fafer wuz a mss kila. So he bcam goff & jond Slivalin.
Just like every other character in this entire fic series! *WHACK* Make an interesting character for once in the series!
“Tho nt dar spek 2 me lik dat”, Voldaermort yeld sucidaly.
“We wll bw 2 u”m, he yled.
Voldabort id a spll dat cud hav klld hm, bt I jmbd & gt hm outof da wey.
If it was going to kill Reapa, why would YOU jump out of the way?
We kwickly gt awy. I cudnt gt ova wat hd hapn. Me, Repa & Vampir wnt bak 2 da tolet 2 slt our rist cuz of wat hd happnd.
*rolls eyes* Yeah, yeah. What else is new?
I wnted hm 2 di!!111 We dcided nt 2 g bak der.
Yeah, I mean, that’s probably a good idea. Good job, Ebony! You’re using your noodle today!
I hopd P!dadisko wer saf cuz der wud b kild if Voldernor fond out dat dey wer goff.
Why would Voldemort kill a Muggle band that didn’t do anything? Like, at all? Also, wouldn’t Panic! be in their busses at this point? Or gone? Also? THEY’RE NOT GOT—oh, fuck it.
AN: I hop diz wuz bata? 2 dos hu dnt lik da rap bit, i gt rid of it. Nw r u fin??
Wh…what part of that chapter was scary? Wait, really? No! This was not scary in any way! I mean, Jesus! If you’re gothic, shouldn’t you know something about scary things? Is Tara…a prep???
AN: Dis is da nu chap. Iv gt a nu beta cld shadwkng. So der is no reson 2 flam me animor!!111111
There’s no reason to flame anymore? So…so I can go home now?
James The Prison Guard: No. You still have one thousand fanfictions in your ‘to be riffed’ pile.
We quickly got through the people who had become preps because of what Voldemort had done.
I thought the point was to slice off people’s heads! How did Voldemort even manage to turn everyone into preps? Hypnotism? I’d buy it. It wouldn’t be among the stupidest things to happen in this fic.
We walked down the road
The only one that you’ve ever known?
as quickly as we could. We tried to find Vampire’s car, which was parked nearby.
When we got there, it had been destroyed!
I struggled with this problem in the past with my writing, and I still struggle with it today. Nevertheless, I’ve got to say it. SHOW, don’t TELL.
How was it destroyed? How could you tell? We’re the tires detached? Was it on fire? Was the engine ripped out? If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. How can you expect me to be remotely interested in your fic if you can’t give me anything to be interested in?
“Oh My God!” I yelled sadly, “What are we gonna do?!”
“It looks like we are gonna have to walk home,” Reapa said.
*snores, wakes up with a jolt* Huh? What? What’s going on? Sorry, I blacked out for a second there.
“But that’s miles away, how can we do that?” I asked him.
I looked around & there was a demon. It was wearing black cloaks, & it floated in the sky. It was a dementor.
So if you knew it was a Dementor, why would you call it a demon first?
We began to run cause we knew that they sucked the life out of you.
Unless all the people reading this story don’t know shit about Harry Potter, I’m fairly certain you didn’t need to explain what Dementors do. Also, side note. You’re dead wrong about what Dementors do. Technically, they don’t kill you, which is what ‘sucking the life out of you’ implies, rather, they take your soul and make you demented, to put it blatantly. Hence the name. Ah well.
But we were too late. It was beginning to suck on Reapa.
“No!” I yelled, as the dementor was sucking the life out of Reapa.
Not these guys again! *quickly blocks all the doors and windows against the laws of physics* Thank god!
“Do something, Vampire!”
Why don’t YOU do something, Ebony? You’re just as capable as Vampire is!
Vamire got out his wand & summoned a stag patronus that killed the dementor. We were safe again.
But Reapa wasn’t. He was dying.
Wow! Way to contradict your previous statement that you made legitimately nine words earlier. Nice job, Ebony! Nice job!
The sight of him dying made me want to slit my wrist, but I didn’t have the time, as the Death Eaters were coming.
Thank god, right? One more wrist slit would kill you too! Excellent use of the deus ex machina! Saved by the bell once again! And so on and so forth.
But, this raises one of the major problems in this fic and, to an extent, the original Harry Potter series. I don’t like characters who die in the chapter their introduced. When a character dies, you’re supposed to be sad. That kind of connection can’t be achieved if you’ve only known the character for three paragraphs.
AN: I hop dat wuz betta? No flamng plez!!1111
No, it was not better. But thanks for trying(???).
Here is the edited version of the next chapter…
Oh boy! This one’s edited! Well praise the lord, right? Maybe it won’t be so bad! *headdesk*
By the time we got back to the house, it was burnt down. It was a big shock cause no one expected it at all.
Really? I mean, I would’ve expected it. You…you really didn’t expect it. The destroyed Mercedes didn’t suggest it, like, at all? I somehow don’t believe that.
“So what are we going to do now,” Vampire asked Tara. “Where will we go to now?”
“I bet it’s the Death Eaters that did this to me.
Well, no shit, Sherlock!
They know where I live.
Because of course they do. They’re magic.
OMG, where are all my clothes?!” I screamed suicidally.
Always keeping the plot going for the sake of keeping the plot going, I see.
Vampire tried to calm me down, but it was no good. I wanted to kill myself.
Don’t you always want to kill yourself? Isn’t that kind of your thing?
“We will get back at them, those preps, those bastards!” Vampire said to me. He was as angry as I was.
WELL NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. Stop saying shit like that, or the DRD is gonna break in again!
What were we to do. I had nowhere to go at all. I was homeless.
Jesus, I know! I get it! Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Because of this, me and Vampire slit our wrists while listening to MCR’s “I don’t love you”. I cried because I lost my clothes. Those fucking BASTARDS! They will fuckin’ pay!
Wait…how did you lose your clothes again? I…what???
I decided to call a friend. I called her up, and she said, “What is it, my bitch!”
“I’ve got a prob,” I told her, “my house is burnt down! Please pick me up!”
How do you expect her to know exactly where you are? I mean, as far as we know, none of your friends have been to your house. So why didn’t you give directions? How do you know where she is anyway? Didn’t Hogwarts close?
So as we were waiting, Vampire took his pants off, and I took mine off too!
YOU LOST YOUR CLOTHES!
He then jizzed in my mouth. Then, after that, he put his throbbing manhood into my muff, and we did it. I then grabbed his balls and he screamed sexily as I did that.
I feel like I’m going to throw up…is this a normal response to Fake Tara’s lemon parties?
But it wasn’t the same as Draco, with his lips, and how he looked like Joel from GC.
STOP PRETENDING THAT JOEL IS HOT. JESUS. THERE’S NO POINT. WE GET IT.
He was so fucking hot. Hot in his jeans, why did he dump me, that fucking bastard, he must fucking die!
Woah there, cowboy. Slow down a sec. You gotta chill.
I couldn’t keep doing it, cause I kept thinking of Draco and his sexy eyes!
YOU LITERALLY SAID SEXY, WHY CAN’T YOU SAY SEX? IT’S THE SAME THING.
It was then that Willow, my friend, pulled up in a van.
We already know that Willow is your friend. We have this. *holds up History of My Immortal* *WHACK*
She looked so hot with what she wore. With the shirt, black mini skirt with red stripes, and her messy hair, she was fuckin’ hot! She was wearing pink crocs and tight black jeans!
*chokes* What?! You think pink crocs…are hot. Not only do you like them, but you think they’re hot. Jesus!
“Come in,” she said…….
Yes, kiddies, come into my van. I’ve got candy.
XD is needing editing fangz!
Who’s XD? Is that another one of Voldemort’s identities?
AN: Diz is da nxt chapd, fnagz 2 Shado 4 luking thru diz stuff, u fukn rox!!1111 Flame diz den u r rep!!111
Hey, at least Shadow isn’t that bad of an editor. But I get the feeling the only things they’re editing are the spelling mistakes. The story still sucks dick.
Newest chapter: edited and good to go!…
On the way to Willow’s house, we slit our wrists while listening to Teen Spirit by Nirvana (if you don’t know them then fuck off you preps!).
You’re not a prep if you haven’t heard of Nirvana. You’ve just been living under a rock for the past 40 years.
We then talked about depressing things that made me want to slit my wrists again. I then read a depressing book, which also made me want to slit my wrists.
What a shocker.
Why the fuck did I keep having these thoughts?
That’s exactly what I’m wondering. Please attempt to make some sense, author.
Was it cause of me doing it with Vampire? Fuck, I wanted to kill myself.
We then got to her house, which was all goffik and stuff. It looked like an old castle, which had gargoyles all around it. It looked a lot like that house from Edward Scissorhands (if you don’t know what that movie is, then FUCK OFF!)
Again, preps are goblins who live under rocks, apparently.
We went into the house, and there was all these posters of GC, Panic! At the Disco, Ritex of speing, MCR, FOB, GD, Nirvana, Evanescence, and the other goffik bands.
Yes, we know. We get it. We know. Everyone’s goffik. We know!
Willow was so fuckin’ cool. She was a fuckin’ hottie! Man, I wanted to do it with her.
Won’t it give you flashbacks of Draco? Isn’t that a thing in this fic?
“So, what is wrong?” she said.
“What is right? I am not okay!” Elbondby said.
“Voldemort has burned my house down, and burnt all my clothes (he must fuckin’ pay for what he has done). Stan has told me to look for some ball that is meant to see the future.”
How did…did you take your clothes off? Did he burn them off your skin? HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD???
“I see,” Willow said. She spoke so sexily that I got an orgasm. “This ball can tell us how to defeat the Dark Lord! It will tell us his weakness.”
HOW did YOU know that? Also, wait…I just realised.
Now EBONY’S the chosen one! Of course! Duh!
“Cool, then we must look for it now,” I said to her.
I love how nonchalant she is about this. “Oh, this ball we need to find contains the procedure on how to defeat Voldemort!? That’s cool.”
“No, Emoby, you must stay here and rest, for tomorrow we will look!” she told me.
Why does Ebony need to rest? It’s not like she’s already fought a long battle! She literally just ran away! I’m really starting to be confused why these dimwits are the ones saving the world.
So we got some food, which was a cow, and some good cat food. It was also covered with blood, and we had blood mixed with milk as well.
Wait…what?! You’re eating cat food? Why in the actual hell are you doing THAT? Doesn’t Willow have ANYTHING in her safe house? Isn’t Ebony technically rich? Or did she spend the rest of her fortune on that stupid-ass coffin she didn’t need?
Before we ate, we prayed to the Devil by humming this:
“Stan wonderful, Curse this dinner, As youo others. Let them be tortured, Beaten upon, For not accepting you Be the one that will punish them And send them to Hell!” we hummed. The Devil was pleased.
Okay, three things. One, you hummed words? Is it just like that video of the girl singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with her mouth closed?
Second, stop putting in redundant phrases! We already know that you’re humming!
Third, how do you know the Devil was pleased? Did he…say thank you? “Hey, great prayer, guys. It made me really happy. :) Haha!”
Den Vampire sed a peom 2 plez da Devil:
I wait all my life to fade into darkness Beneath my bed I keep my rope Which will hang on the day of reckoning Showing the flag of what my life means
They hurt me no more, never again They will me sided with me, not against They will feel the hurt, with the power of guilt They will feel sorry for me at last
It has been sixteen fucking years Since I had to not live with suffering Dead I will be at last, no feelings what so ever I lie there cold and naked, waiting
She left me there to lie in wast She will be one of them to feel the guilt She will end her life, just as I will She will be forgotten, just like me
They were the ones to fuck things up To put me in the shit I am in My one last wish is to see them suffer Like I have suffered for sixteen years
I know that when I’m gone, I will be forgotten I know that when I take the last leap That all will be gone, but that is good From that day on, I will suffer no more
They will find me naked and cold I will talk to them nor move No breath will come from my mouth And then the waiting game will be over
Great poem! Almost as good as the one from Will Grayson, Will Grayson:
“I am like a dead begonia
Hanging upside down
Because like a dead begonia
I don’t give a fuck”
Always second place, I see, Gareth.
(Fangz 2 Gareth Vandersleld 4 alowing me 2 us diz peom. U rox!!11 666)
After we had finished our food, we slit our wrists, and praised the Devil. We then watched Corpse Bride, which made me want to do it with Vampire.
Good god. Because that really makes sense. Totally!
So me and Campfire went to Willow’s can and banged around in it.
So she’s gonna fuck a fire that she made with a soup can. That’s what’s going on, I think.
So I sucked onto Vampire’s cock and sucked in his creamy load, after which he had an ejaculation and the sperm came out, which I sucked in as well.
I imagine it’s like a Boston creme donut. Squeeze it so the cream comes out!
Then we began to kiss each other hard. Then my little bro, Milo, came into the van and banged around with us as well.
Milo and Vampire sucked on each of my boobs at the same time.
Then Milo put his dick into my holy hole.
Then Vampire put his penis into Milo’s ass, which we watched for an hour, but Milo could not take it anymore, and had to stop it to get out of the car.
I…I just…I have no words. Harry Potter…is dead. One of the greatest series of all time, ruined by this…monstrosity of a fanfiction. You will be missed.
“What is wrong?” I asked him. “Don’t get all preppy on me!”
“But it’s my first time, and I could not take it anymore. I’m only 12.”
HE’S TWELVE. HE’S TWELVE. TWELVE YEARS OLD, HAVING SEX WITH TWO SEVENTEEN YEAR OLDS. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
Because I had had enough, and so had Vampire, we went back indoors.
Thank God. Really, thank God that scene is over. I would’ve slit my cat’s snout if anything else had happened in that scene.
Willow got a cat that she had and slit its snout, and gave it up as an offering to Stan.
Okay, I’m done. I’m done. This is so stupid, I’m out.
Oh wait, we still have two more chapters.
“Give us better tomorrow and allow us to defeat the preps,” she said. She was so fuckin’ hot then that I got an orgasm.
Jesus fuck! I can only imagine what the last two chapters are like! Let’s just get through the Author’s Note so we can get through this stupid riff.
AN: Hopdat wuz gud? 666 ROX!!1
NO! NO! IT WAS GOD AWFUL, YOU GODDAMNED PIECE OF SHIT. THIS FIC IS LEGITIMATELY THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO READ! IT HAS OOCS, MARY SUES, AND EVERY OTHER GOD AWFUL BAD FANFICTION TROPE! FUCK!
And we will riff the end next time. Have a good week, all…and give me all the luck you can.