1639: The Savior – Chapters Six and Seven

Title: The Savior
Author:
bubbersgod
Media: 
Video Game
Topic:
 Dark Souls
Genre:
Romance/Adventure
URL:
Chapter Four
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

 !!Warning!! While the following riff contains no coercion for sex or explicit sex, it doles out some outrageous levels inflammatory content. If seeing shitty sexist people handling women in a shitty sexist way is something that gets you really miffed, you will want to skip the entire latter half of this riff. Additionally, if you love fluffy tails, the Sledgehammers of Punishment will be complimentary after I’m finished.

Abrelepine: Fluffy tails?

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Please don’t tell me my fears will be realized now.

Yeah. I’m very sorry. Will you be okay? I don’t mind if you sit this one out.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I will not allow this work of literary rubbish to break my will.

Alright. Welcome to the next thrilling instalment of The Savior! A fic that proves that no matter how bad a badfic is, it can always get worse. When we last left off, Savior Stu sexed two of the Daughters of Chaos, making sure to rub his oh so strong, masculine manliness in Quelaan’s face in a bout of unadulterated character assassination. He then took on Sen’s Fortress, proving that no feat of heroism is too great for our intrepid Stu as he cleared the entire map in one sentence, then left another beloved Dark Souls icon in the dust and used the mighty Sword of Pretentious Name to one-shot the Iron Golem when his Necromancer Bolt (Do not steal) somehow failed to down the boss.

And… actually that’s it. Honestly it’s astonishing I can juice so much content out of this fucker because 99% of the story threads through the treacherous depths of the Formless Void and is so bare-bones everything it’s a miracle there’s a plot at all.

Chapter 6 Back to The undead asylum

Our savior would soon head to Anor Londo but he ha a strange urge to check back at the asylum. Something beckoned him to it. So he went back via a giant crow.

Are you fucking with me right now? I think you’re just fucking with me now. I thought Frampt was a contrivance, but this… what the fuck is this shit!

Has this fic become self-aware and is actively trying to prove it can do the same shit but even worse now? You know what, fuck it, may as well get some ad revenue out of this shit. Here’s a word from our sponsors, take it away:

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He stepped in where he once fought the Asylum Demon, and fell through now week flooring. He had to fight a stronger demon this time. It used powerful Pyromancy and struck hard missing with each swing.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: A Chaos Demon that wields Pyromancy? Believe it not I have not heard of such a thing.

That’s because of all the demons, only one has been confirmed to be a pyromancer (ironic, considering they are made of fire). Unsurprisingly, he is known as the Demon Firesage, who’s a bit a black mark on the Souls series. Due to budget constraints, the Stray Demon the Savior’s fighting right now is the Asylum Demon, only with a catalyst that creates shockwaves, and the Firesage is the Stray Demon, only on fire.

Abrelepine: *snerk* Three of the same boss?

Yeah. The game being rushed at the end is very apparent after Anor Londo, and Lost Izalith and the Stray Demon are the worst casualties of this. Stray Demon is a literal copy-paste, and Lost Izalith hosts some of the worst bosses the series has ever seen in a linear, highly uninspired level.

It’s not horrible but compared to the rest of the game it’s obvious they just couldn’t keep the quality up. In fact, Demon Firesage was such a letdown FROM actually put him on the bus and gave him a total overhaul in Dark Souls 3. It assumes you never killed him and instead saved Sunbro from his early demise, leaving Firesage as the strongest demon in Izalith with the fall of the Bed of Chaos. He immediately killed the fuck out of everyone that refused to obey him, and thus became known as the Old Demon King.

http://oniruu.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Souls-3-Old-Demon-King-620040925

His royal highness laying down the law. Art by OniRuu

Even as a burned out husk, he mops the floor with anyone with the misfortune of confronting him underleveled, as he’s an optional boss found pretty early in the game.

The point is, the Stray Demon is not a pyromancer, but he’s likely not a sorcerer either, in fact he’s a massive question mark, he’s just kinda there.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I see. The way this is written is rather misleading, but not enough to warrant another count of canon violation. Just barely.

Abrelepine: Canon or not, this demon will never kill his target if he keeps missing. Savior Stu is not even dodging, the demon just has poor eyesight and is smashing the ground on either side.

He found a new power in his glove that seemed to stop Demons for a short period of time. This did wonders on the demon before him and he made quick work with his magic and sword, slaying the foul beast.

Of course! He already has the Sword of Pretentious Name and Do Not Steal castings, but sure, let’s give him yet another OP ability out of nowhere that will never be brought up again.

Abrelepine: I can literally do anything I can imagine within a limited sphere and I do not pull this many powers out of my ass.

Well, that’s because your abilities are semi-balanced and while you have potentially infinite powers, your natural tendencies and preferences draw you towards a few limited specialties. A theme, if you will. Also, while you have infinite diversity, you do not have infinite potency, as you would become overpowered beyond any reasonable measure. I also nerfed you. Multiple times.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: This author could benefit from learning how to balance and define character abilities. Conveniently solving any issue at hand does not a good power make. In fact, Savior Stu’s effectiveness is radically inconsistent. One moment he can terraform an entire region with magic. The next, he requires his sword because his magic is not enough to best a simple construct. Here he clearly has the power to win with either, but he uses an additional ability to tilt the odds further in his favor for no reason but to show off.

Look at my Stu! My Stu is Amazing!

It left behind yet another oh so valuable Demon soul,

*twitch*

he almost regretted the imminent casting it would surely soon take part in, remembering back at the pain of the other other three times he did so.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: If the casting is imminent, then it being sure is a given, though the word isn’t warranted unless the Stu has precognition. And is it the other time, or the other other time?

[Blaring Alarm Blares Blaringly]

Abrelepine: It’s about time, you would not believe how hard it is to hold my patience here.

-Abrelepine skips to the door and throws it open, meeting the many agents-

“There’s the Villain Sue over there! Deploy the tactical kitten and let the tactical kitten out of its cage!”

Abrelepine: Tactical-

884a9888d993fc320ae5639380adca80

Abrelepine: Kitty! –Abrelepine engages the kitten in aggressive hugging and cuddling-

That magnificent bastard read my manuscript!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I take it Abrelepine is a cat person.

To a frightful extent. Long story.

-Hosen is killed to death with rubber ducks made of rubber. One respawn later, he drags himself back in, crashing in the chair in a Desert Sorceress outfit-

Sulyvahn, why didn’t you protect me?

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I had to claim vengeance for being drug here somehow. Betraying you for being forced to endure this dreck is the most in-character thing I’ve done thus far.

At this point, I can’t even blame you.

Soon he would be nothing more than a charred spot on the road but he didn’t mind if it meant saving the world he loved.

Please die. Please, please die. And why do you love the world? I’m legitimately asking. You have no backstory or overreaching personality to actually define your motivations. Well, no personality outside demanding everyone bow before your Stuness and your belief woman exist to embrace the cleansing power of your dick.

Abrelepine, lounging on his back and still cuddling the kitten: Since when do people love the world unconditionally? His only motivation is to martyr himself after his fill of boring sex and glory-seeking so his pathetic, hollow life can have a semblance of meaning when he’s gone. If you were to take away his inflated sense of importance and overblown powers, what would you have left?

After searching he found a Peculiar Doll resembling a small girl. This may come in handy for something, but lords know what.

Don’t be coy, we all know why the author decided to randomly sidetrack you to Northern Undead Asylum, and it wasn’t for the Demon Soul so you could get a nonexistent powerup.

He clenched it an headed back to the crow, only stopping to engorge his gauntlets with the new found souls of his, as well as the Demon soul.

Chapter 7 The painted world of Ariamis

Pontiff Sulyvahn: My worst nightmares have come to fruition.

He went to Anor Londo via the roof of the still annoying Sen’s fortress. He fought through gargoyles and giant stone monsters to find a massive blacksmith.

*snerk* I will say one thing. I love how the author’s shitty Gary Stu still knows his place.

The author left Tarkus, Solaire, and Oscar to the wayside so they wouldn’t crowd in, and now he’s tapped out and skipped the Anor Londo Archers and Silver Knights right to the Giant Blacksmith.

Abrelepine: You say that one name as a proper name, why is that? Archers in Anor Londo are still archers.

Oh Abrelepine, if only you knew. The Anor Londo archers were, once upon a time, the most feared enemy in Dark Souls. There’s no number high enough to count how many players have ragequit because of them.

To put it simply, Anor Londo is locked down to prevent any intruders from claiming the Lordvessel or desecrating the cathedral. It’s guarded by a portion of Gwyn’s army and Gwyndolin (albeit from the shadows). The majority of Gwyn’s knights come in two varieties:

These bad boys

These bad boys

And these knights in shining armor

And these knights in shining armor

The latter variety are extremely dangerous despite their relatively small size, easily among the hardest enemies until you learn you can parry them. They are over one thousand years old, have killed dragons, and are absolutely, positively, unflinchingly loyal to Gwyn. And there are lots of them.

The only way to get inside the Cathedral is to skirt around the front of the building, run up a banister, and jump through a window. RPG 101 right? Easy, right? WRONG!

This is Dark Souls, that would be too easy. The Silver Knights know better, and have a pair of archers watching over the ramp with huge, dragon-slaying bows. Four words: Narrow Ledge. Knock Back.

These fuckers were so infamous that even though I looked up no guides or walkthroughs, and had few friends that played Dark Souls, I knew their name from the hushed whispers, like they were some omnipotent force of pure evil sent to terrorize gamers everywhere.

Abrelepine: And that is why the front door was kindly left open for the Stu.

Right you are.

He had no name but offered help none the less. He showed the giant his gauntlets and the Core of the Iron Giant.

And these knights in shining armor

Don’t remind me of better things!

Without a word the giant plucked the shiny core up with two fingers and asked for a small amount of souls for his service. The Savior complied and Giant held the core to the right palm of his gauntlets before striking it as hard and fast as he could. Though the Savior jumped after, expecting that his hand was now crushed. But to his amazement the core shone in a small magic dome in his palm. His gauntlet didn’t even scratch.

You know what, I’m actually fine with this scene. It’s more bullshit powerups that make no sense, and the grammar is fucking atrocious, but the very presence of the Giant Blacksmith is soothing to me. If Solaire is the most benevolent character in the game, the Giant Blacksmith is the most adorable. He is the absolute best there is when it comes to forging since he built all the weapons of the gods, but he’s like a big kid. A very big kid with a very tiny hammer.

Which reminds me, fuck you for not having Giant Blacksmith utter even one single line when he has some of the best dialogue in the game. At least he not only got screentime, but he did something, that’s a lot more than most get.

He thanked the giant and ventured on to find a massive grim painting past some aggressive guardians.

His new doll shook and he held it up to the massive painting, making the painting suck him in to a small new world. The Painted World of Ariamis.

You’ve been very quiet Sulyvahn, are you sure you’re up for this?

Pontiff Sulyvahn: If this must happen, it will happen whilst I observe. I only hope Lady Priscilla retains at least some of her dignity.

It was a dull and dreary place with monsters cluttering the place everywhere. He had to fight a poison dragon and even some strange crow monsters with the addition of blistered undead and deformed spear and shield wielding masses of undead.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Dull and dreary, of course. Those are the only distinguishing features of the Painted World. Not the towering castles and temples, nor the eternal drifting snows and mountains beneath the gentle winter moonlight. I have heard tell that once upon a time the Painting was in very poor form until it was restored to its previous beauty, so maybe this was before my time, but I know my ancestors were not merely monsters.

Suffice to say. At one point, Velka, goddess of sin and one of the greatest enigmas in Soulsbourne, rallied a massive force and equipped them with specialized occult weapons with the intention of overthrowing the gods. There are numerous reasons for this, but I don’t want to hold you here for the next ten thousand years. Long story short, gods in the Dark Souls universe are hardly saints, including or even especially Gwyn himself. Humanity and Velka felt it was time to do something about it.

The rebellion failed miserably when they tried to take on Nito and Anor Londo and were obliterated on both fronts. A man called Ariamis created the Painted World, a pocket dimension where nothing could enter or exit without the right key, as a convenient dumping ground for all the enemies of the gods, which is where most all the rebels ended up.  The “crow monsters” belong to Velka, and are held there alongside various mementos of the Goddess of Sin. We find out in Dark Souls 3 they are known as Corvians and take many forms, though they are all half man, half crow.

Everything else in the painting is either a born descendant of the occult rebels or a miscellaneous abomination that was a threat to the public. It turns out that, as Priscilla put it, “This Land is Peaceful, its Inhabitants Kind.” Apparently everything learned to coexist in harmony during their captivity, only hostile towards trespassers.

But he found one person not so horrific here. Priscilla the crossbreed. She seemed upset being exiled here for being half dragon, the foes of all the founders of the first flame.

This is a bit of an oversimplification, but it’s technically correct thank fuck.

But our Savior offered hope. “My fair lady, I can save you right now. You deserve not this torment or exile. I will help you if you wish?” He offered her his hand on one knee with his hood still up from the fight with the bridge knight.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Lady Priscilla, do exercise proper caution as you haven’t met this man before.

She looked confused but grasped his hand to tell him there is no hope. She was not fierce but lonely. She did enjoy his company but feared judgement and possible conflict so she would do anything to be rid of his company as quick as possible.

Mmm

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Hrmmm

Abrelepine: Conflicted?

I don’t know. I want to say it’s wrong, but it isn’t really that terrible. A little cliché, but honestly? Priscilla is not happy to see you when you enter, but that is because she’s been an exile and viewed as an abomination for her entire life. I do not think she would want to befriend him, but she absolutely does want to avoid conflict and she knows how shitty people can be. She is extremely uncomfortable around people from outside the Painting and says rather bluntly she just wants to be left alone so she won’t get hurt again.

Abrelepine: So Priscilla is in-character at the moment?

You are not dreaming, this is not a parallel universe, and I did not stutter.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: This should fill me with hope, yet all I feel is the dread mounting.

When she grabbed his hand as planned his hood fell back as he looked up in her eyes. His gauntlet shown white and the chanting it would quietly let out grew louder.

Nooooo

and her tail began to vanish.

No! Stop! Cease and Desist! Abort! Yield!

With a few more seconds she shrunk down to the size of a normal girl.

You fucking dumbass! For once in your life use your fucking braaaaain!

Abrelepine: Did he just pull the dragon out of her? As in, change her species from the ground up?

Yes. Yes he did. Didn’t even warn her either, he just fucking went and did it without warning, nice job dick!

Abrelepine: You’re angry because he took away her glorious fluffy tail.

No! Yes! Shut up.

She let go and started investigating her new self in amazement. She was so caught up in it in fact that she didn’t notice the smoke now rising from his face and gauntlets. Blood was dripping from his mouth and he hacked up a small mass of chunky blood before passing out again. The effect on his body was far less than before due to the iron giant core in it, but the pain was still ever so existent.

One, stop reminding me of my awesome childhood! Two, that was the point of infusing the core into his glove? To negate the one “weakness” he had!? That is… wow, your writing never ceases to impress because I thought Savior Stu could not become any more of a Stu and boy was I wrong. I was tempted to start a Gary Stu counter, but I’m glad I didn’t because if I had all life in the library would have been wiped out by the resulting atomic fucking explosion!

I don’t think I can top BRSue as far as dings goes, but as they say it’s not the quantity but the quality that counts.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: This is absurd, and are we going to pass over the fact Lady Priscilla must be traumatized by her sudden shift in anatomy right now? The fool has stripped her of her immortality and godly power, meaning whereas before her beauty and grace would have lasted forever, now she is limited to a human lifespan. From the proud daughter of my goddess Velka to a fragile human. He lacks the wit to understand the heresy he has just committed.

Oh I’ll get to that, but there’s more to come so let’s see just how much shitter it can get.

She ran to him in now far to huge clothing to find out what was wrong. But no matter how hard she shook him or how laud she screamed to him he never budged. She grabbed him in her arms and snuggled him for the night as she never learned any healing magic.

“Please wake up! You saved me! Please! I have to tell you how much that means to me! You must know!”

He opened his eyes slowly. Arms where around him. Who’s arms? It was Priscilla the white, no longer a crossbreed. He did it he saved another innocent soul.

Abrelepine: *grits teeth* Of course. Because when you attempt to aid a pariah, the best thing to do is normalize them. Don’t celebrate their eccentricities, just rip out anything that doesn’t fit what the world desires. People only love you if you fit the cultural mold. But because this is a badfic, the existential crisis Priscilla should be experiencing for facing human mortality and no longer possessing godhood will not come into play and this will be played straight as the best thing to ever happen to her.

Honestly this marks the spot where this fic really started getting on my nerves. At least more than before. Priscilla is not like Quelaag or Quelaan, where the community believed they were mutated against their will and were suffering for it. Priscilla was born as a crossbreed, her entire struggle and character are heavily centered on her grief at being seen as a lesser being.

It’s very possible the reason she exists in the first place is because Velka created her specifically to provoke Gwyn by meshing Lord and Dragon. Priscilla has a natural ability called Lifehunt, which is so powerful it can kill a god, and invisibility. She would have been invaluable in the occult rebellion, but it failed before she matured, leaving Priscilla without a purpose and abandoned by Velka.

Abrelepine: Another poor soul persecuted by the gods for her parentage, and driven to exile and imprisonment. I was a victim of the same fate, and know there is no greater suffering than existing in a world that despises you.

Bubbers is stripping away the things that made the characters unique and engaging on a whim. He’s perfectly okay with taking Priscilla’s crossbreed nature and throwing it out to make Priscilla more fuckable to the Stu while giving her a reason to want to fuck him in one convenient package.

A tear of joy ran down his face for the god knows how many times it has been now, but he couldn’t help it. He literally lived to save. He wants only happiness for others, no matter whom.

-A Holy Balls magnitude prosewarp sends everyone flying against the wall, numerous warning sirens crying out as the entire library quakes violently, lights flickering and steel creaking for several seconds-

What the fuck was that tense shift!? Holy fucking Raptor Jesus warn us when you plan to make a fucking present tense, second-person aside out of nowhere like that. And of course the only reason this dialogue exists is to tell us for the undecillionth time Savior Stu is the second coming of Christ.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I think I blew a vertebrae.

She was not asleep and hear him say, “Thank heavens it worked!” She looked at him with a sad look. Her face was soaked in tears and her long white hair was a mess. She clenched him hard in her arms while mumbling into his hood, “Thank you so much! You have no idea how long it has been since I gave up!”

Now that I’m no longer a filthy crossbreed, I can finally be accepted by society! Thanks for fulfilling my dream of ditching my old, clearly disgusting body despite the fact I was a demigod, the Corvians worshipped me, and I viewed my fellow outcasts as peaceful and kind.

Not My Dark Souls: 16

She looked him in the eyes now. He was blushing furiously now, only now had he realized her beauty. Her hair was snow white, her brows where small and the same color as her hair. Her lashes where thick and shined from the lite and snow on them, bringing out the icy blue color of her eyes, they where almost clear.

She looked at him in confusion and he caught it, he was thinking unspeakable things again. He pulled his hood up quickly to hide his embarrassment.

And of course he wants to fuck her three seconds after meeting her because she’s pwetty.

Abrelepine: I’m all for free sex. Humans are sexual creatures and should not be ashamed to express their attraction to others, but even I know there’s a proper time and place and getting flustered like a fourteen year old is just embarrassing,

She was still confused and lifted his hood to see his red cheeks. She never saw anything like it before and was curious. He let her do it but now he had an uneasy look on his face. “Why are you red? I didn’t hurt you did I? I am so sorry!”

Because all woman are little girls who have no idea what libido is, though Priscilla thinly veils a denial for sex when you meet her!

He shushed her. “No its just, you are quite a beauty is all Priscilla the white.” She blushed now nut knowing it. IT was the first time she received any complement in her life, and it was a and good one to. She stuttered a response. “Y,you aren’t serious are you? I,I couldn’t be. And you are so…” She was like a ripe tomato, her whole face shined red from the incident.

She didn’t realize it but her breasts where hanging out of her massive dress on account of the fact in didn’t fit anymore, a fact she had yet to address

Oh, that is embarrassing. Sorry Priscilla.

Her skin was shiny and white, her nipples where small and pink, poking out from the cold that stung them. He was in the same state now.

*snerk* He was in the state of having hard, small and pink nipples?

Literary Genius: 7

After swallowing what felt like a rock in his throat he pulled up a finger to let her know her breasts where out. She saw him pointing and before he could speak she noticed and responded. “OH my! I am sorry how indecent of me!” She pule the dress up. She noticed the cold now, it stung her now human body, having lost her frost dragon magic. Her breath was showing with each heavy heave of her small chest.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Now do you see what you’ve done. She is not accustomed to a human body, now she will know cold, pain, age, and disease and it is all your doing!

Though her breasts weren’t very large, they where shapely and could easily fill a palm.

He just stared at her in awe. She was definitely worth saving. She was insanely beautiful. She looked back to him to converse but saw a strange thing. Something was poking at the fabric of his large scary robe. Now SHE pointed at him. She knew what it was. It was an erection, something she never seen in her life.

And of course she’s a pureblooded virgin girl who’s never seen a penis before. There’s just one thing contradicting that:

yuemftn

HER FUCKING DAUGHTER! And the fact that, for the umpteenth time, Priscilla says in a rather direct manner “me no interested in you wanting sex!” Likely because of said daughter! But, that’s information only knowable in Dark Souls 3, so it can slide a little. At least she isn’t portrayed as so one dimensional she doesn’t know what sex is. Maybe there’s still-

It was flattering to think that the man whom saved her for no reason, took a fancy in her appeal. She may never find a man like this or anywhere near on comparison. She wanted to have his children. She had always wanted children but before nobody would think of her and she couldn’t have done “That” with a dragon.

She spoke, “My Savior. You are uh… Your excitement is showing!” He pulled his hood back up and turned to the plank with a cough. “That was not appropriate my lady, I apologize. I will be on my way now, the world needs a savior.”

Not My Dark Souls: 17

Abrelepine: Hosen… your eyes are looking a little red there…

She turned him around quickly. He was mere inches from her snowy face. He could see her beautiful eyes looking into his soul, then she asked him, “If that is how I make you feel then let me help you, let me make up for the wonderful thing you did for me, I will do anything you want, but please will you help me with one more thing.?” He bent a brow in question and with a cry she asked in shame, “Will you please, I want to bear your child! I have longed for a child my whole life! I would do anything for my savior to be it’s father, to let it know of the wonderful thing you have done for me! I would o anything to carry a child from such a selfless man!” He didn’t know what to think. Now a women was begging HIM for sex!

*fingernails drag along the wooden desktop, leaving scars as Hosen stares unblinkingly at the fic and a jagged, uneven smile appears*

How novel. A woman asking a man for sex. That’s just the most novel thing, isn’t it? That was the big thing she was worried about in her exile was not getting to be a fucking baby mama!?!

Abrelepine: Are you-

Okay fic, now you’ve done it. You’ve officially pissed me off. This level of character derailment is inexcusable. This entire “character trait” for Priscilla came right the fuck out of nowhere and contradicts all conventions of Dark Souls canon and any semblance of trying to establish a fucking realistic relationship. You’ve been walking all over the dignity of woman in general, with your Stu strong-arming the Daughters of Chaos into fucking him, evoking the “well she enjoyed it” argument, then trying to use his guilt to drum up cheap sympathy for him within the same few paragraphs. Now that you’re up to Priscilla, not only do you trivialize her entire backstory and the struggles she would realistically go through in this period, completely undermining the subtle commentary on racism and prejudice which gets explored hard in Dark Souls 3, but you trivialize femininity in general.

Do you know what you’ve done here? You’ve turned Priscilla into fucking Jena from My Inner Life. She exists solely to give you sex and bear your OC’s babies because she’s pwetty and gives you a boner.

Oh, but this manages to be worse than My Inner Life, because there Jena was the SI of a woman author, so she could slightly get away with it, a little. You do not have such liberties. You use motherhood as a cheap excuse for Priscilla to want sex from your OC, and I know why as well.

You handled the Daughters of Chaos in the shittiest way you possibly could, so you decided to make the woman the one with agency here to make up for it, but you just couldn’t help yourself, could you? You have to give Priscilla the most one-dimensional, stereotypical motivation you can possibly shamble together, and not develop it beyond “She’s a girl so of course she wants babies, and my OC is the best dude evah so of course she wants his babies”. You are that special kind of offensively ignorant that rightfully deserves to get slapped upside the head for this masturbatory bullshit.

Priscilla has no respect in this moment. It’s still all about Savior Stu and the fact he’s getting sex.

And, in probably the only self-aware sentence so far, you lampshade the fact your OC acts like it’s just so surprising that a woman could desire sex for herself rather than being a sex receptacle for the menz.

Treating a character in this way in any canon is absolutely inexcusable and insulting to the highest order.

Oh, this isn’t the worst fic cited for this bullshit, not even close. In fact, compared to the more infamous works around these parts, this is positively tame. However, that’s much like saying “Boy o boy! This shot of Sulfuric Acid sure is tolerable compared to that jug of sulfuric acid.” No! Less bullshit is still bullshit, so you can serve yourself an ice cold glass of fuck you straight up the ass!

Fuck it, I’m going to put down a new counter. I can’t be fucking asked to go back to the beginning of this fuckery, so I’ll go off the top of my head:

*slams buzzer* This is making the Daughters of Chaos whore themselves out *beep* This is for belittling Quelaan *beep* this is for treating every woman you meet as a sex object *beep* this is for making Priscilla crave the D despite it making no fucking sense and being completely out of character *beep* And this is for everything I may have missed! *BEEP*

Sexist Douchecanoe: 6

Abrelepine: I think you need to just take a quick-

He gulped and answered. “If this is your wish my lady, I will lay with you tonight. I will lay with you many more nights to come but you must stay at fire link where it is safe. Promise me this! Promise me you will stay an I will visit you and help you bare my child as many times as it takes to get the job done. I will not make you regret trusting me with such a task, but you must promise!”

Hear that everyone? Our noble Stu is going to benevolently fuck Priscilla as many times as it takes to give her babies because that is his manly duty afterall, but not before she leaves her fucking home behind because she is a Waifu now aNd haS to stay wh3re 1t’s saAaFfe3 Anb sH3 Wi11 b3 JuS7 Fin3 W1Th ThA7 [incomprehensible]

*A crack appears on the Sexist Douchecanoe buzzer as Hosen smashes it for the seventh time*

She grabbed him in sobs and kept saying yes. So he led her safely to fire link after finding her some fitting clothes. And so she stayed.

Abrelepine: Honey, I think-

-Hosen grabs the fic by the throat and vaults it through the wall, and several walls behind that wall. Hosen then jumps atop it with a table bourn aloft, the hall filling with explosions as he smashes the fic repeatedly with the furniture-

Abrelepine: …I think I’ll just close us out for the day. That brings this chapter to a close, tune in next time for what I suppose will be more poorly written sex and canon derailment. Farewell.

-A shiver of unnatural power sweeps through the station, Abrelepine shivering as a Pontiff underling peaks back into the chamber with his boombox-

Abrelepine: What was… wait, is it just me or did the chapter get longer?

The Savior lurched as he went to the hut, a pool of blue light appearing nearby, swirling and churning with eldritch forces. A massive figure in white robes with a gold laurel crown rose from the ether, reeking of cold justice and entirely composed of dark blue hues that seemed to waver in and out of existence.

As Priscilla scurried to safety, the Blue Phantoms two massive enchanted swords, one in each hand, silently ignited with forces of magic and chaos flame as he skulked closer, seemingly gliding over the ground.

“What is your business foul spirit!” The Savior shouted, the phantom mute as he advanced. The Savior prepared his Necromancer Bolt and shot at him. The Pontiff lunged forward, his footwork faster than the eye could track as he dodged the attack and rolled his shoulder into a great cleave, the Savior dazed at an opponent seeing through his attacks rather than standing there and dying.

Pontiff Sulyvahn’s massive Profaned Greatsword sliced The Saviors torso open before he could even react. He staggered back, reaching for Fate, only to have the smaller but still deadly Greatsword of Judgement lunge forward, taking his arm off with a single thrust. The Savior cried out a moment, before the Greatsword of Judgement once again thrust forward and pierced his chest. The Pontiff lifted him off the ground and directed his unimaginable magic power into the edge, the Savior convulsing as lines of soul power spread over his body, boils of heat splotching his pale skin before he finally exploded into scorched gore.

Abrelepine: Oh. That’s really going to inhibit us from finishing the riff. Thankfully I had the foresight to read Sulyvahn’s mind, discern a Blue Eye Orb he kept on his person, and research into the applied art of retconning. I’ll just retcon this little… incident out. I’ll need a rubberband, a four dimensional scalpel, the eye of a vex gatelord, some ducttape, a pencil, and vintage 1412 Champaign. Before that, I think I’ll slip in and have some fun myself. Until next time!

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19 Comments on “1639: The Savior – Chapters Six and Seven”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Our savior

    #notmysavior

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    After searching he found a Peculiar Doll resembling a small girl. This may come in handy for something, but lords know what.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    It was a dull and dreary place with monsters cluttering the place everywhere.

    Somebody should probably pick them up, then. Maybe get some of those cardboard banker’s boxes.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    He just stared at her in awe. She was definitely worth saving.

    Only the shmexy ones are, apparently.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Oh, but this manages to be worse than My Inner Life, because there Jena was the SI of a woman author, so she could slightly get away with it, a little.

    I think that makes My Inner Life worse. Or at least creepier.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      I’m honestly not sure how accurate the simile is anymore, because yes it is extremely creepy that a woman could have that many chauvinistic attitudes, and her ability to write plot, while better than this fic, is still horrible.

      All joking, all hyperbole or acting aside, this section made me so angry it was incredibly hard for me to try and come up with reasonable arguments behind why it was bad and focus on creating a “witty” deconstruction of it, though I really tried. There was actually a worse version of this end rant, but it got pulled back and heavily revised and expanded on because I was so mad on first reading that I actually became outright venomous, without making my arguments properly and I felt I had to go back and argue it better.

      I think I finally understand why: Crossbreed Priscilla is one of my favorite characters. She has a very deep and fascinating background and story, is exceedingly sympathetic on a lot of levels, and above all, I relate to her situation a great deal.

      The “Savior’s” attitude that she was “broken” and needed to be “fixed” and that she would be completely fine if he took a fundamental part of her out…. that paralleled 1:1 some of the abusive fuckwits who treated me like I was mentally retarded for having Autism, and pinned all the issues…

      I’m sorry, I’m getting personal again and frankly talking about it is just getting me unbelievably pissed off again, but this setup, and the fucking idiotic execution hit very close to home, and I think that really shows.

      I just hope none of you are offput by it, and I still managed to make it entertaining. I really did try not to let my personal hangups take away from the quality of my work, but I just cannot review something like this from an unbiased, intellectual state of mind like in all the other stuff so far.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Yeah, you make a good point that while My Inner Life was howlingly sexist, this is kind of a perfect storm of a lot of different things. There’s also the idea in this chapter that Priscilla is better off being a pretty little human than she was as a half-dragon demigod, which is not just sexist but also… I don’t know what the proper term for it would be, actually, but as a committed transhumanist I found it especially backwards and insulting.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        It’s this paradoxical sort of fantasy racism, with the same attitude of real racism. It also assumes that you can take a part of a person out and their lives will be just so much better just on merit of them being a normal human.

        Oh yeah, perfect way to solve racism/10. Let’s just take the black out of black people, or the homosexuality out of gay people. They’ll be so much better off, and it completely won’t have huge repercussions on their sense of individuality, all people like to be like everyone else.

        I mean, the author acknowledges that Priscilla can’t live with her people (who worship her) anymore and her overall vitality and health is far weaker than before since she was half-god before he dropped her into the body of a normal human, but all that amounts to is “Perfect, now she’ll go back to my Firelink love hut to be my Waifu! It’s not like the denizens of Ariamis raised her from birth and would miss her dearly, or that she would miss them.”

        It just… it’s just wrong. It’s wrong in more ways than I can properly list or discuss within this century. But it’s ignorant, sexist, closed-minded, and just fucking stupid. Thank all the gods of all the pantheons at the midway point of the fic there is this huge, bizarre tone-shift and it becomes much easier to laugh at.

  6. BatJamags says:

    !!Warning!! While the following riff contains no coercion for sex or explicit sex, it doles out some outrageous levels inflammatory content. If seeing shitty sexist people handling women in a shitty sexist way is something that gets you really miffed, you will want to skip the entire latter half of this riff. Additionally, if you love fluffy tails, the Sledgehammers of Punishment will be complimentary after I’m finished.

    *Sigh*

    • GhostCat says:

      I suddenly feel the urge to play Viscera Cleanup Detail and spend the next few hours picking up virtual chunks of dead bodies and throwing them into an incinerator.

  7. BatJamags says:

    It left behind yet another oh so valuable Demon soul,

    Narrator, are you snarking your own story?

  8. BatJamags says:

    With a few more seconds she shrunk down to the size of a normal girl.

    Are you shitting me right now?

  9. BatJamags says:

    This entire chapter is an embarrassment.

  10. AmyXFuckShitOTP says:

    Apparently everything learned to coexist in harmony during their captivity, only hostile towards trespassers.

    And that’s why all the Bonewheels are still locked in the basement :D

  11. Swenia says:

    Abrelepine: I’m all for free sex. Humans are sexual creatures and should not be ashamed to express their attraction to others

    See!? He gets it!


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