1636: A Very Special Christmas – Chapters Three and FourPosted: December 28, 2016
Title: A Very Special Christmas
Author: Jasmin Kenobi
Media: Television / Movies / Whatever else you have.
Topic: Star Wars / Kitchen Sink
URL: A Very Special Christmas
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy
Heyo, patrons! Welcome back to this year’s holiday-of-choice special! With me again is Crunchy.
I am not using your full title.
“Fine, then you can do the recap yourself.”
Fair enough. Last time we met Jasmine Kenobi, our resident author-insertion Sue. Jasmine is a Jedi knight, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, and the top street fighter of Tatooine. Last time, she spent some time agonizing over what to buy for her babies before the scene shifted over to her padawan,T’mir, getting hassled by Scottie and Chekov while trying to purchase a window. After that, we cut up to the bridge of the Enterprise as Kirk embraces the life of the intergalactic voyer and continues the crusade against T’mir by spying on her in her room. Spock acts all mysterious for about three sentences before it’s dropped that T’mir is his cousin.
So, Spock goes down to visit his cousin, and is promptly interrupted by a baby, Ashoka, and one of the infants. Everyone banters for a few sentences before the baby and Ashoka leave to be quickly replaced by Elaine Kirk and Clone Trooper Jesse. Which apparently was supposed to be a cliff hanger because the chapter ends abruptly after she introduces herself.
“A shame that cliff hangers require audience investment to be effective.”
Yeah, not giving a crap about the name parade really does hamstring any tension that might try to accumulate.
Anyway, let’s head into the thrilling conclusion! There’s an author’s note, but it’s another “this is the next chapter!” style note, so we’ll just skip it and move on in.
“Well, I sure as hell didn’t see THAT coming,” Jim mused.
Nobody did. That’s why it’s called an ass-pull.
Joanna looked at him. Damn, that kid was adorable.
“You will keep your distance with the whelp, captain.”
I have a feeling that the implications here were unintended.
“Given the good captain’s history, forgive me if I remain unconvinced.”
“Why would Miss Jasmin be bad?” the child asked.
It’s a common problem with Sues, kid. Their powers to sway the fictional masses almost always lead toward abuse.
They all stared at her. A collective ‘da fuq’ went up.
No. We do not use internet meme speak in our fics!
“Unfortunately, with the inclusion of that line, the fic’s authenticity must be called into question.”
Yeah, we’re approaching troll-fic levels of stupidity with that one.
“Who’s this ‘Jasmin’ lady, Joanna?” McCoy asked, all stern parent and shit.
Okay, yeah, seeming more and more like a troll-fic all of a sudden.
“Either that, or this is the chapter where the author got bored and decided to forcibly expectorate the rest of the story to get it over with.”
“She’s the lady who let me live with you, Daddy! She’s the law lady!” Joanna replied cheerfully.
Guess we may as well add “galactic divorce-court judge” to Sue’s growing list of titles.
“So Elaine is this Jasmin lass? Original cover identity, I’ll give her that. She must be too scared to use her real name ‘ere,” Scotty interjected.
Oh for fuck’s sake. What the hell is the point of this? Who is she hiding from? Is she actually Kirk’s wife/sister/daughter/whoever, or is that her cover identity!? And if Jasmine is her cover identity, how the hell did the Jedi not figure out that she was lying to them!?
“You must have missed some of the movies. The Jedi are not very astute at detecting lies.”
Except when the plot needs them to be perceptive.
“Right, aside from that.”
“She must beliewe zat ze news had already gotten here,” Chekov said, rudely. Jim gave him a nasty glare.
What news!? And why is pointing this out considered rude!?
*Shakes the fic*
WHAT THE FUCK IS SUPPOSED TO BE GOING ON!?
“That is my adopted sister you are talking about, Chekov,” Jim snapped.
“Well that straightens out one of the mysteries.”
Still doesn’t solve the mystery of why Jim thinks references to the news surrounding his sister is rude.
“Is it worth extra Sue points to not only be married to a main character from one canon, but also simultaneously be the sibling of another main character from an entirely unrelated canon?”
I would say so. Jasmine here is quickly devolving into a full-on black-hole Sue.
“Even if she’s a traitor and a bitch?” McCoy replied.
No, her history as Jim’s sibling isn’t changed no matter what she did.
“Unless it involved time travel.”
In which case Jim here is way more likely to be raked over the coals for time-travel abuse.
Chekov broke the stunned silence, “Keptain! In ze picture! Zoom in on her hand! Eesn’t zat a ring? On her feenger?”
I’d complain that marriage traditions in the Star Wars universe wouldn’t necessarily involve wearing a ring, but they also shouldn’t be celebrating Christmas, or even know what it is. There is no room for canon consistency in A Very Special
Wish Fulfillment Christmas.
“Holy…” Jim said, temporarily and miraculously stunned into silence.
To be fair, James T Kirk shutting his flapping yammer-hole is pretty close to a miracle.
A new voice commented, “Aliit ori’sha tal’diin. It means family is more than bloodline. It’s Mandalorian.”
“Of course it is, because our Sue needed to add Mandalorian to her list of titles. Shame that whomever did the inscription misspelled two of the words.”
Obi is just lucky his wife can’t actually read Mandalorian. It’s like people who get Kanji tattoos but don’t actually know what they mean.
They all turned to see a young blonde girl with blue eyes. She was wearing a black corset and skirt with gray leggings that looked like they had seen better days. Her hair was in an intricate braid piled on her head. Black boots and fingerless, elbow length gloves completed that outfit.
“Ew. I may be a thousand-year-old bird precursor taken out of his own time, but even I know a fashion disaster when I read it.”
Crunchy, you own more clothing than anyone I’ve ever met. Which is strange given that you only ever dress in holocaust cloaks.
“Do you ever wear any of the coins you collected as a whelp?”
“I rest my case.”
Given that this is the only character who’s received clothing porn so far, this is either our Sue inexplicably on the bridge, or it’s another OC model based on a goffik version of a real-life friend.
She was scowling at them, her ice blue eyes narrowed.
“And yes, she is married. No, it wasn’t made public.
Thank you, Miss Exposition. Now that you’ve gotten that out of your system, can you kindly tell us how the fuck you got onto the bridge of the Enterprise!?
Jedi aren’t supposed to marry, but then again, she doesn’t give a shit about the rules.
“Making her a worse Jedi than Anakin Skywalker was. He at least thought he cared about what the Order was all about, misguided as that belief turned out to be.”
And the Jedi were all about the rules, seeing as they were essentially a law-enforcement agency.
“Indeed. Rigid adherence to and enforcement of traditional law was one of the highlights of their charter.”
Neither do I,” the girl smirked.
Cerbs is so excited that we finally had somebody safe to gong.
“I saw him in the batting cages warming up last night. A giant three-headed demon sheep can get impressive loft with only a gong.”
“Hello-” Jim began.
“I am way outta your league, sixteen, and not even close to single,” the girl snapped.
Not to mention a raging bitch with a huge ego.
“The dark side will pass on this one. Even Palpatine had standards, such that they were.”
She then grinned, “I’m Fire Skirata. I heard y’all were on-world.
“Ah, the orbital Sue. I might have guessed.”
Wait, they’re on world? When did that happen? And if they are, where are they? They’re still looking at the voyer footage from T’mir’s room, so did they bring the Enterprise’s view screen with them or something!? What in the name of crap is going on!?
I wanted to thank you, Captain Kirk, for delivering the package.”
Not the first time he’s been thanked for handling a package.
“Swenia is such a bad influence on you. And not even in the useful ways that makes for a worthwhile apprentice.”
“Ah. So you’re Miss Fire. Alright, I’ve got a healthy respect for your being a badass and all that.”
“It takes a brave idiot to go out in public dressed like that.”
That ridiculous getup definitely says she’s not afraid of anything.
The blonde teen smirked
I don’t think I’ve seen Cerbs this excited about work in a while.
“I would hope so. Do you have a response to the package.”
Typically it involves rolling over and falling asleep or finding a reason why he needs to get back to the ship and jump to warp.
Jim snorted, “Archer and Reed looked like they were gonna burst at the seams with pride.
Thrill as the author drops even more names into the character parade!
“Do I need to know whose those two are?”
They’re never mentioned again, so likely not. It’s probably better off left a mystery why they were beaming with pride at Jim’s package.
Everyone else looked plain damn pissed.”
“This is why you should not wave your package around mixed company.”
See, now you’re getting into the spirit of things!
“Shame that ‘the spirit of things’ happens to be James’ package.”
Fire nodded, “That’s good. Well, I gotta go. Peace!”
See you later, deep character that totally isn’t one of the author’s high-school friends smashed into the fic to sing praises about the Sue!
The girl walked out the door as if she owned the fuckin’ place.
We’re supposed to despise this character, right? Also, why hasn’t anyone called security? Kirk may not be all about the rules in general, but if a random smug-ass teen burst their way onto his bridge, he’d still have them thrown in the brig before they could smirk about it.
The door swished open soon after she left. Hikaru Sulu walked in, nervously escorting Ambassador Sarek and a Republic Senator. The Senator looked drop-dead gorgeous from Jim’s point of view.
“So the senator is female and potentially some bright shade of green.”
“So, who might you be, ma’am?” Jim asked, all smooth charm.
She didn’t even blink, “I am Senator Padmé Amidala, the Republic Senator from Naboo. Ambassador Sarek said that your ship would be the one to escort me to Earth for a diplomatic conference on Earth. In a city called San Francisco, I believe.”
More characters! We need more characters in this fic! Cram them in tighter!
“There are many questions as to why the good senator is going to Earth for a diplomatic conference, and not only because there has been no indication of the current relations between the Republic and the Federation.”
Shh, don’t question how the author shoe-horns in the characters.
“Ah. So you’re the lovely Senator. It’s a pleasure to meet you, milady. Security might be a problem, though,” Jim replied calmly.
“Indeed, because they have done such a splendid job of keeping the riffraff off the bridge.”
The Senator frowned, “Why would security be a problem? I was under the impression that your ship had the best security officers in the whole of Starfleet and the Federation.”
All evidence to the contrary, of course.
“You cannot fault them for letting a single Sue slip through their grasp. They were obviously busy keeping back the waves of people trying to throw themselves at her feet.”
Jim winced, “You see, milady, our security standards have slumped and the forces have been a mess since the former security chief left. They have been a mess throughout the ‘Fleet.
Which doesn’t excuse the poor security on your ship, as you’re their captain and can set the standards for security of those you command.
No one can figure out why.
“I would hazard the reasons revolve a certain well-known color.”
All we can say is that they must have felt betrayed by Starfleet with the unfair dismissal of the best security chief in the entire ‘Fleet. They are all pretty pissed, especially after they found out she wasn’t even given a chance to explain what happened during that mission.”
Oooh. See, the author is trying to sneak up on the information that the old security cheif was Jasmine, and now that she’s gone, everything is falling apart. turns out that the reason behind the lack of security is ‘because Sue.’
“Another title to add to her rapidly expanding resumé.”
“Do you mean Jasmin? Like the ex-Starfleet Jedi? She’s good friends with a dear friend of mine, Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker.
Not to mention she’s boning his boss.
She’s rather emotional, according to her Padawan. I never knew what really happened, but I think that I would be completely pissed off, too,” the Senator replied grimly,
So now that we’ve tiptoed around this whole event, can you actually clue in the audience? Being pig-headedly devoted to fake tension through being vague is about as annoying as your OCs are.
“But you don’t need to worry. The Senate took it upon themselves to appoint two bodyguards for my defense. Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and Clone Captain Rex. I know both of the, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”
*Crunchy giggles into his talons*
“I can think of sixty-six reasons why your trust is misplaced, dear senator.”
“Well, then. That’s good news. I was worried that you would not be safe enough on Enterprise with our security teams in the mess that they are now,” Jim replied smoothly.
You would assume that being such close friends with the Sue would have the security forces bending over backwards to protect you.
“Then again, they might let a highly-visible senator die in order to make a point about firing their boss.”
Shame that Starfleet isn’t a military entity. If that were the case, people might be court martialed for such gross dereliction of duty.
“But Starfleet actually is-”
Senator Amidala nodded, “I am glad that security arrangements were worked out so fast. Captain Typho of my own security forces will be very pleased with this arrangement.”
And he’s not coming along with a full detachment to assure the senator’s safety because reasons.
“Are those the same reasons that she needs to ride aboard the Enterprise rather than taking one of her own ships?”
Quite likely, though the Federation has been known to ferry around diplomats with their fleet. Probably because it’s a useful plot device to get an episode going.
Jim nodded, “I sure hope so.”
The entire time, Bones and the crew along with Joanna had been watching, staring at the door. Jim noticed the figure at the door.
If you were going to storm the bridge anyway, why the fuck did you send Fire in first!? Did you need somebody to warm up the room for you or something?
“Though that does explain why none of the security forces stopped Fire.”
Yeah, once the Sue subverted everyone with a weapon on the ship, Fire could flounce around wherever she wanted.
“Miss me yet, Jim?” the woman known as Jasmin Kenobi to the Republic and Elaine Kirk to the Federation asked.
“I emptied this entire blaster and could not seem to hit her! It is as if she is warping time and space with her aura!”
You shoot like a storm trooper.
“It is not my fault these blasted things cannot hit what I point them at! Bah, can I not just go in there and slice her up a bit?”
No, I still have the teleporter on lock-down until the Troy extraction mission gets greenlit.
“You think your paltry security systems will keep me out of there!?”
I think that you’ll have a hard time using it if I continue to send texts to Bifocals asking her how it could possibly function.
AN- Well, that’s a hell of a cliffy, now ain’t it.
Oh yes indeed. I can’t wait to see how everyone reacts to the self-important Sue letting herself onto the bridge.
“Really? I would have figured that you would be mostly apathe-”
For the love of crap, Crunchy, it’s called sarcasm!
Stick around, I plan to have the next chapter up within the month this time.
And lucky for us, it’s the last one she chose to make of this train wreck! So let’s get to it!
AN- This is the real happy part now.
“One can hope this will be an improvement over the stupid part that has lasted up until now.”
I hope that it is understandable that this will be updated later than I actually type these.
If you were doing any amount of proof reading, it would be updated much, much later.
I have noticed that very few people read this.
“Which is as heartening a statement as it is anything else.”
So from now on I will ask one or two questions at the end of each chapter. I have to get at least one reply for each before I update the story again. This will go for all of my stories as I continue to update them.
Bam! There it is, holding a story hostage for reviews/attention. You could fill out a badfic bingo board using this fic.
Now, on to the new chapter.
“If only there was some other way for the audience to understand that this is the next chapter!”
“What are you doing here?” Nyota asked.
What? Us? We live here!
“How dare you barge in here and demand we justify our presence!”
Jasmin grinned, “Relax. I come bearing gifts!”
Oooh, it picked back up exactly where the last chapter ended.
“Silly us, we should have recognized the scene from the lack of distinguishing features.”
Joanna squealed. Leonard scowled.
*Taco goes sailing out of the riffing chamber*
“He deserved that.”
“Why?” Nyota asked, “We’ve been nothing but rude to you for the past year! Nobody here but Joanna even deserves anything!”
This is definitely the way people talk. Especially the way people talk to somebody they think is a traitor.
A chuckle was heard from Jasmin.
“I did not hear a thing.”
Hmm, well, I was told we heard something.
“Must have been the narrator’s imagination.”
“Maybe because it’s good to be nice every once in a while,” Tony Stark jumped into the conversation.
Who are you and what did you do with Tony!?
Scotty, Chekov, and Sulu were in the background looking guilty.
“Captain, a character blob appears to be congealing off the port bow.”
Ready EMP photon blasters!
“Those do not exist, captain!”
Tony glared at them. Pepper Potts hit him in the back of the head.
Next on Kitchen Sink High, William Adama catches John Crichton passing notes in class!
“That, and Tony decided he didn’t want to shop this year. It’s his new peeve,” Pepper explained, “That and he just doesn’t like being handed stuff. Here, hold her.”
What the hell do those two things have to do with each other!? And what do either of them have to do with Jazz-Hands buying everyone presents!?
Pepper passed Nyota a tiny bundle. The bundle giggled and a little hand reached up and started playing with Nyota’s hair.
“I hate people who pass their babies off like that.”
Technically it’s not her baby.
“I hate people who pass other people’s babies off like that.”
“I want one!” Joanna said. Jasmin laughed.
“Be careful with him,” Pepper said, passing another bundle to Joanna. The young girl stared in awe at the little baby boy in her arms.
“What’s his name?” Joanna asked.
“His name is Owen. I named him after my dad,” Jasmin said
In any other setting, that would actually be a decent exchange.
“Unfortunately this is on the bridge of a military starship.”
“And if you listen closely enough, you can talk to him.”
He says things like ‘goo’ and ‘brflagle.’
“Are you nuts? He’s a baby, he can’t talk!” McCoy snapped.
“Foolish doctor! Your powers of science are no match for Sue-driven wish-fulfillment!”
“Logically, he cannot. However, he is telepathic. So is Amanda,” T’Mir replied from behind Pepper. Spock stood next to her. The clone captain was grinning and holding a bag in the back.
Logically, the neural pathways capable of communication would still need to develop before telepathy would be worthwhile. Not to mention that ‘listening closely’ would not really assist telepathic communication.
“Foolish Taco! Your powers of science are no match fo-”
“So that’s her name? Amanda, that’s a pretty name,” Nyota smiled. She glanced at Spock. The Vulcan raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, come on. Let’s get these passed out,” Tony grinned.
I’ll never understand what fascination people have with reducing larger-than-life characters to no-risk domestic settings. Is tension really that hard to stomach? Is being interesting that horrible a thing?
! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# !
Look, author, if you want to make your line breaks ‘Shit be all fucky, bitches!’ then just do it. No need to do all that pointless censoring.
T’Mir stifled a yawn.
“Even the characters are bored with the lack of tension or stakes.”
They had been enjoying the Christmas festivities for some time now. Joanna McCoy was fast asleep on the couch and Jasmin had already taken the twins home.
Are they still on the ship? And, if so, does the ship have only one couch?
“Yes, but it is not just any couch. It is THE couch.”
Senator Amidala had left shortly before seven, to go home.
Why the hell did she wander by the in first place!? Aren’t they supposed to be taking her to Earth?
“Quiet, the author is busy slam-smashing in Christmas.”
Tony and Pepper had gone barhopping, with Jesse as the sober driver. Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Chekov had fallen asleep in a pair of chairs in the kitchen. Doctor McCoy had dragged Captain Kirk off to sleep off the alcohol he had consumed.
“Basically, the character blob does domestic stuff.”
But in exciting list form!
Ambassador Sarek and Spock had already gone to bed.
*Porno music blasts over the intercom system*
Ew, guys, Sarek is Spock’s father.
“Great, now Syl is going to try to break in here.”
Now, it was just T’Mir, Lieutenant Uhura, and Lieutenant Commander Scott left. T’Mir had indulged her emotions and had allowed herself to be dragged into a bet to see who could stay up the longest.
Hell if I know. Usually that’s the kind of thing kids do in high- ooooooooh.
Scott yawned, almost spilling the alcoholic drink he was holding onto his lap.
That’s not the Scotty I know. Scotty would take a disruptor blast before allowing his drink to spill.
Nyota sighed, “I’m going to bed. Night!”
“Even the bet lacks tension.”
“You win, Vulcan,” Scott said before he passed out. T’Mir allowed herself a small smile. Now she could buy that twin set of IDIC necklaces for Amanda and Owen.
Because both Vulcans and Jedi are all about gambling to procure material objects for children who are likely to become padawan someday.
Author, have you even watched any of the source material you’re ostensibly using here?
! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# !
“She wins and still curses out the losers. What a great Jedi Vulcan. Have you ever considered the gambling benefits of the dark side?”
Nyota saw the young Vulcan smile slightly. T’Mir gently fingered the pouch containing one hundred Federation standard credits.
Which aren’t a thing. And even if they were, you’re on a Republic planet.
They would be worth twice as much in Republic space.
That’s not how currency works.
“Well, you did say that the Star Trek characters should not understand currency.”
“What are you going to do with all of that money, T’Mir?” Nyota asked drowsily.
Brace the door! Redundancy inbound!
“I am going to purchase a twin set of IDIC symbols for the twins.
“Fortunate that I had the forethought to ask Swenia to guard the hall for us this week.”
*Panicked screams come from the other side of the door*
She’s been grumpy lately.
They will appreciate that as they learn to understand what IDIC means,” the young Vulcan woman.
All right, author, we get it, you want to show off your knowledge of an acronym. Go ahead and follow this through to the end.
“IDIC. Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. That’s nice,” Uhura mumbled before falling asleep.
Well, at least the author got it correct this time, unlike her attempt at Mandalorian.
They would clean up the mess in the morning, which was just a few hours away. Damn, she was not going to get enough sleep tonight.
“So which of the two thought that? The woman who was asleep, or the Vulcan who would not swear nor understand the point of swearing?”
A catch 22 of stupid.
Thank the gods, it’s over!
“Not so fast.”
Oh dammit all!
AN- Looks like this is the end of this story, huh?
“Calling this a story is very liberal use of the word.”
I’m just going to have a couple of poll questions up for the sequel to this, which will be written about Thanksgiving this year, so I can get it done by New Years 2014.
A sequel that, thankfully, is still being held hostage while she waits for people to
notice her answer the poll.
Question One) Which of the following scenarios should I write about:
A. Amanda showing her Romulan peers what Christmas is all about,
B. Fire celebrating Christmas with the Skirata clan,
C. Zafriana showing her son and granddaughter what Christmas is like for humans, or
D. Soleta and Lucius ending up on an Earth colony at Christmas time.
E. YOU PICK!
I can’t say as I want to see you attempt any of those. Nor do I think I’d want you to soil one of my ideas. Maybe try starting with a short story about rabbits and build from there.
Question Two) What should the sequel be called:
A. A Romulan Christmas
B. Normal Christmas on Mandalore
C. What is Christmas, Grandma?
D. Our First Christmas
E. YOU PICK!
“Because the title of a work need not reflect the contents therein!”
Which, to be fair, is what happened here. This ‘Very Special Christmas’ featured very little Christmas, and it was not very special.
I know it’s not Christmas yet, but I like to plan ahead and start writing it now.
“Liking to do something is different from actually doing it.”
Yeah, the evidence is not strong that much preplanning and writing actually happens.
For those of you who have read Star Trek: New Frontier by Peter David, you will know who Soleta and Lucius are.
Which absolves you from having to establish their characters in your own writing!
“In fact, feel free to not even write any scenes with them in it! They’ve basically already been written.”
For those of you who haven’t, Soleta is a half-Vulcan and half-Romulan commander and Lucius is her first officer.
This is not how you character development. Especially since this isn’t even the fic that featured those characters!
I have one final question for you that doesn’t have anything to do with Christmas, I promise.
Question Three) What should I name the sequel to my Enterprise story, Life in the Fast Lane:
A. High Rise, Low Fall
B. A New Start in Life
C. A Not-So-Normal Day in the Life of (Insert Character Name Here)
D. The First Kid…
E. YOU PICK!
A Tale of Two Sues.
“Sue: Revengenance of Doldrums”
And what I mean by YOU PICK! is that you can submit your own ideas!
No shit? Wow, you disguised that so well that there’s no way that I could have worked that out on my own.
“Well, you did choose to read this. That does not speak well for your intelligence.”
And you chose to read it with me.
May the Force be with you! BTW: I own nothing at all but some books and movies!
“And yet, despite owning none of the source materials, or indeed demonstrating any familiarity with them, you decided to write fanfiction on two of the most widely known and analyzed speculative fiction franchises. You are quite a brave girl.”
Well, she’s still rather well protected by her anonymity and obscurity. Things would probably end less well if her works were to hit the limelight. In any case, this is where the fic ends! And so too does our riff.
“Fabulous! Now I can get back to my rather busy schedule.”
Got a nap scheduled, do we?
“And a snack at six-thirty!”
Of course. Until next week, patrons!