1635: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 4
Posted: December 27, 2016 Filed under: Legend of Zelda, My Inner Life, Uncategorized | Tags: Erttheking, Legend of Zelda, Link's Queen, My Inner Life, Romance
Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: Thank God, I think we’ll finally be able to finish up this chapter. Only took us the better part of two months.
Nora: It’s been a long ass road, and not one I’m certain we should’ve walked.
Goeth: If we ever go back to this, Ert has been thinking about doing the a Harry Potter fanfic (Might as well round off our rifting careers with some good old Ron the Death Eater) but we need to check potential works to make sure we don’t get bored to death halfway through.
Ert: Anyway, Link and Jenna proved that they couldn’t be allowed off on their own and got drunk while they were supposed to be on an important mission and Jenna was pregnant.
When I awoke the next morning my head felt like I had been hit with a heavy piece of wood.
Ert: *Hides 2×4 behind his back*
Painfully I lifted my head up and saw Link already up and dressing. Struggling to get up, I managed to sit up on the side of the bed, my head swimming with the after effects of the Griffin Spice.
Nora: She saw armies marching across the galaxy in a bloody jihad, screaming “Muad’Dib! Muad’Dib!”
Then I head a voice. “Oh Jenna your awake, are you ok love?” After a minute I could tell that the voice was Link’s. “Yeah….I think so, but my head hurts and my muscles ache.” I said with a groan as swells of nausea welled up in my stomach.
Goeth: Also the baby will most likely have a stunted intelligence at this point.
I heard a creak of wood as Link sat down next to me. Putting his arm around me, I felt his eyes upon my face. “You sure don’t hold your ale well, love.” “I guess you never drank as much as me.” Link added, his lips brushing my cheek.
Ert: I guess the eternal children in the Kokiri Forest threw some wild keg parties. Seriously, LQ, do you have any idea how stupid that sounds? Link has spent most of his adult life-
Nora: If you can be called being aged seven years in a coma becoming an adult
Ert: With his Mary Sue wife. When we have time to drink when he wasn’t around her? And don’t say he did, we never saw it.
“Do you think you’d be well enough to travel?” Moving my head slightly I looked into his loving eyes. “I think so, but maybe I should eat first, and we would have to see Dalamar before we depart.” I said holding my head. “Agreed.” “Get dressed love and then come down stairs.”
Goeth: They should do the thing that they came here to do in the first place. At least they’re not shirking their duties, but they treat it like it’s optional.
Ert: Their main priories seem to be having sex and making sure their kid has as many birth defects as possible.
Link said as he got up and buckled his sword on his back. Grabbing his money pouch off the table he tied it to his belt and headed towards the door. “I will meet you down stairs love,” Link said as he opened the door. “Make sure you don’t forget your weapons.” He added then walked out closing the door behind him.
Nora: If we had set up a counter for every time they say love, we’d all be drunk by now.
Ert: Am I the only one who just thinks of Tracer every time they say that?
Goeth: I thought it was “Cheer’s love, the Cavalry’s Queer.”
Ert: *Snorts* BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That was the taunting remark we saw directed at people who were getting salty over Tracer being revealed to be sexually attracted to women.
I staggered out of bed, the warm rays of the sun filled into the room, lighting the walls causing the stone marble to glimmer with envy.
Nora: Uh. Jealous marble?
Ert: The fucking fuck….
I fumbled over to the table and rustled threw my saddle bags, pulling out a dark blue dress embroidered with Hyrule’s symbol across the breast.
Goeth: The one that she took on this dangerous mission? Dare I ask what practical purpose this serves?
Ert: Lets her show off her status and what a princess she is.
I took off my ragged torn tainted pink dress and threw it into the bags, then I took the clean silky dress I took out previously and put it on.
Ert: Oh right, she was already wearing a dress. Because this lady nows how to dress for the situation.
Nora: If she wants to maximize inconvenience.
I smoothed out the crinkles in the dress then sat down on the side of the bed. I laced up my riding boots, then strapped my Phoenix Circles around my waist. Grabbing my blue velvet cloak, I threw it over my shoulders then tossed my saddlebags over my back and headed down stairs.
Ert: Seriously, do something.
The common room was empty. The innkeeper was sitting behind the bar, cleaning out mugs with a damp rag. She eyed me as I came into the room. “Did you sleep well
m’ lady?” The Griffin asked, the jewelry giggling on her tufted ears as she spoke.
Ert:…*Points at jewelry* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Goeth: I think we’ve mentioned Polythreme before, but just in case we didn’t, here’s a summary. Polythreme is a kingdom in the Fallen London universe where everything, yes everything, is alive. Here’s a quote from a charming citizen on what life there is like.
“IN POLYTHREME THE BED I SLEPT ON WAS A SLAVE. THE ROOM WHERE I SLEPT WAS HACKED FROM SCREAMING STONE. THE WATER I DRANK BEGGED ME TO STOP. THEY PAID ME IN COIN THAT PLOTTED MY DOWNFALL. THE MEMORIES ARE TROUBLING. THIS PLACE IS BETTER.”
Goeth: This place seems to take after Polythreme. AKA, Pee-wee’s Playhouse on a bad high.
Nora: A big change from the standard high you normally need to get there.
I looked over at her, my eyes locking with hers. “Yes ma’am I did, thank you.” I returned. “If your looking for your husband, m’ lady, he’s out back in the stables with Skan.” She said, her expression softening. “Thank you ma’am.” I said as I headed towards the stables.
Nora: Stables? Question. Why would a species that can fly and is probably just as strong as a horse, what would they need stables for? They’re isolationist, so it’s not like they need to take care of other people’s horses very often. And we’ve yet to see any other beasts of burden that they could potentially use.
Link was in the stables brushing Midnight Star, smoothing out the horse’s ragged mane with a hard bristle brush. I walked up behind him and threw my arms around him. He turned to face his beautiful wife. “Ah Jenna you’ve finally came down.”
Ert: Who are you, the narrator?
“Great my love, I have wonderful news.” “A messenger from the Tower came with a letter from Dalamar.” “He says that the Griffin Council wishes to speak with us this afternoon.” Link said as he put the brush down. My eyes widened with pure shock. “You mean the Griffin Elders want to see us?” “Holy Shit…that’s unbelievable!” I screeched with excitement. “So when do we leave?”
Ert:…YOU DON’T! YOU STAY AND YOU TALK WITH THE ELDERS! Jesus Christ these people. They dodge two dragons to get to this place, now they treat it like a triviality that they just want to leave behind.
Goeth: The Griffins will probably appreciate it, but it’s still a rather confusing plot development.
Nora: Also saying shit, because swearing is mature.
Ert: I swear because I’m an asshole, not to prove a point.
“As soon as they send someone for us.” Returned Link as he picked up the brush and resumed brushing his horse. “Its still early morning, so relax love.” “Why don’t you go to the market and walk around for a while.” “Well I hate waiting,” I said as I started to turn to walk out.” “But I have been wanting to got to the market to by some herbs.”
Nora: I don’t think you wake up early in the morning after a night of drinking. And if you do, you’re not this chipper.
Ert: And what the frak does she need herbs for? They’re essentially right on top of enemy territory here, get your priorities straight lady!
Goeth: Hangover cure?
Ert: That’d actually be interesting to an extent, so I doubt it.
“I will be back in a few hours then my love.” “Maybe I will find some good silk to buy.” “Jenna……,” Link reached into the pouch at his waist. “Take these.” He said as he placed two blue rupees into my hand. “Buy yourself something good.” Looking down at the rupees I clasped my hand around them as I shoved them into my pouch. “Thank you Link.” “Ok love, I will be back soon.” I said as I turned and walked out.
Ert: Ten whole rupees? Oh…you shouldn’t have. You really, REALLY, shouldn’t have.
Goeth: She can buy a Deku Stick!
Nora: And are you buying silk or herbs, and what use are either of them to you? And silk is rather expensive, and I doubt the Griffins would have access to it up in the mountains.
The streets were bustling with all sorts of Griffins about their daily wares. The eyes of many different ones watched me wearily as I passed by, mostly just either walked the other way or moved aside. I felt a little out of place as I knew all too well that the Griffins didn’t trust just anyone. Especially humans.
Ert: You’ve long since forfeited the right to pretend that that’s actually a thing. You’ve been getting far too buddy buddy with everyone else to pretend that that there’s any solid tension between the Griffins and anyone else.
But things started to change for the better as some of the Griffins started to notice my expensive clothes and the emblem I wore on the front of my dress. “Oh by the Goddesses…..she’s from Hyrule.” “What’s someone from Hyrule doing here?” “I heard she came here with High Lord Dalamar and someone said that Link the legendary “Hero of Time” was accompanying them.” “But even if they did, their humans, and why have humans come into our city?” Were some of the whispers and ushered words as I heard as I entered the market.
Nora: So what? They see someone with the Triforce on it and they automatically assume that this person is from Hyrule? Imports and exports are a thing you know. And how do they even know what the Triforce is with how isolationist these people are?
Goeth: Moving at the speed of plot I see.
But I just mainly pushed aside the exasperated spoken words of the Griffins in the streets and made my way into the lively market place.
Ert: Oh great, now even the words are getting brought to life.
Nora: This place is becoming downright demonic.
As I browsed around, I spotted a few good silk shops and decided to have a look. Some of the silks that the Griffins had were ones that I had never seen before. I stood in utter disbelief at some of the elaborate silks that laid right before me.
Ert: This is supposed to be a meaningful statement why? Oh right, you were a merchant for a chapter and a half.
Goeth: They get a lot of silkworms in the mountains.
Then I walked into one shop and saw the most beautiful silver silk I had seen in my life. The way it shimmered in the sun, made it look like it was interwoven with a thousand diamonds. I could tell that it was real expensive. As I held the soft intricate silk in my delicate hands, the shopkeeper eyed me curiously.
Nora: Once again the lack of trust is not actually showing up in actions at all. If it did, the shopkeeper wouldn’t be doing business with her.
Goeth: This is without going into how Rupees probably wouldn’t be an accepted form of currency here. Foreign currency in a closed off country is next to worthless outside of the black market. And even then you’d probably get a reduced value.
He was a lean muscular light brown Griffin with thick colorful jewelry around his neck and ears. His soft green eyes landed upon the silk I held in my hands. “So lass you like that one?” He asked thoughtfully, a smile happed along his beaked face.
Nora: Because beaks are well known for being able to form facial expressions.
Ert: And now I’m hearing this guy talking in a stupidly thick scotish accent, because that’s probably how LQ heard it when writing this.
“Yes I do…I have never seen silk as beautiful as this before.” I replied as I caressed the it in my hands.
“That’s probably because that type of silk is very rare.” You can only find that kind of silk in one place.” “Across the (22)Barren Sea.”
Ert: Oh for fuck’s sake…WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE! The last one was 22! This should be 23! Even at the bottom of the page where all the annotations are, it’s labeled as 23! Why the fuckity fuck is it-oh for god’s sake-MOVING ON!
(23) The Barren Sea is the largest ocean on planet Gaia that’s about a day’s ride to the North of Hyrule.
Goeth: Ert, LQ is trying to pretend she understands how geography works again. Once again she thinks that everything is a day’s ride away from everything else. 20-30 miles in other words.
This large water mass is said to be the most dangerous because of a large massive sea creature that is said to live in its depths, sinking any ships that try to cross it.
Nora: So they decided to call it barren, because when you think of barren, you think of something that plays home to a very lively creature.
Ert: Seriously. When I first read that name I thought it had been an ocean that was dried up. Baring that, an ocean that was devoid of life. How does this name work? How do ANY of the fucking names work in this story?
It is also said that if a ship manages to cross without getting attacked by the sea beast, then it will be lost to either the torrential storms that plagues the ocean or the massive whirlpools that roam its waters.
Goeth: Roam? Do the whirlpools just get up and prowl about?
Ert: Good god, this whole world is turning into Polythreme. Without any of the wit and creativity that made Polythreme interesting.
Nora: Or the horror that made it terrifying.
The Griffin said as he placed a clawed hand up on the counter.
Ert: *Smacks self in face* So do they have hands or claws? In fact, are these things proper Griffins or are they like the bastardized unicorns from My Little Unicorn in that they just kinda humanoid?
The Jewelry on his thick tufted ears made a clinking sound as he lowered his head closer to mine for a moment, his sharp beak just inches from my face. I just stared back at him blankly. “Across the Barren Sea?” I retorted, eyes wide “I thought that no one ever was able to cross the Barren Sea and return alive!”
Ert: Well you’re a fucking moron, so what you think counts for very little.
Nora: And obviously people who sailed across it came back. If they didn’t, know one would know about the vaguely described sea monster in the first place, would they?
At that I nearly dropped the silk from my hands. “Calm down lass, but you heard wrong.” “I have been across the Barren Sea and am here to tell about it.” “By the way lass the names Tanis.”
Goeth: One second. Ah yes, here we go.
I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing, someone had actually been across the infamous Barren Sea and lived to tell about it. Preposterous, how could anyone let alone a Griffin make their way across the Barren Sea when it’s more dangerous then crossing the Black Desert. Stories for told of a monstrous sea beast that would attack seafaring ships and sink them, leaving its crew to drift along the sea to be swallowed up by the torrential storms, malevolent tidal waves or deadly whirlpools. I still didn’t believe how anyone could cross that ocean without a death wish upon their heads. But I looked back at Tanis, with a look of questioning upon my face.
Ert: *Snaps fingers* Lady, no one fucking cares about the Barren Sea that LQ came up with on the spur of the moment. No one cares about anything you do, but they don’t care about this in particular. It’s stupid, it’s a shallow and pathetic attempt to be dramatic, once again you utterly miss the point of an annotation. Stop trying to world build LQ, you aren’t good at it.
“Wait…just how did you cross the Barren Sea without getting sunk by the sea beast or one of those dangerous storms?” I said as I eyed him quizzically. He just smiled and winked. “That’s me secret lass, if I told, well…then everyone would have this silk, and many other things.”
Nora: And hundreds if not thousands of lives would be saved. They all need to die so that I can turn a profit.
“But forget about that.” “I’ll tell you, since you like that silk so much lass, and that I know it would look beautiful on you,” Tanis rested his head on his clawed hand. “I’ll give you a discount price on that.” “Lets say twenty rupees?” “Agreed?” Tanis looked at me with egger anticipation. I reached into my pouch and pulled out two of the three blue rupees that Link gave me earlier, “Deal.” I said as I handed Tanis the rupees.
Ert: Uh, ok. First of all, Link gave her two Rupees, not three. Second of all, blue Rupees are worth five Rupees, so Jenna is only paying this guy half of the agreed upon price, and despite the supposed lack of trust and how dangerous it is to get these materials, Jenna is getting a discount. Not only can LQ not world build, but she can’t math either.
Tanis took the rupees into his talons and bit on them to verify they’re authenticity before putting them away. “Thank you lass,” Tanis said as he handed the beautiful silk to me. “I hope you enjoy it, you made a good choice.”
“Thank you too Tanis.” I said as I turned to leave. “Oh and one more thing lass, be careful in the streets, you know us Griffins are not the trusting type, unlike me, but just be careful anyway.”
Ert: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
Nora: Actually show us Griffins that don’t trust Link or Jenna. Otherwise, shut up.
Tanis said warningly, his emerald green eyes resting on mine. “Thank you.” I said flatly as I started to walk out. “G’ day lass, take care.” Returned the Griffin as I disappeared into the streets. I walked around the market aimlessly for a while, before stopping at a few other shops and brought more healing herbs, then noted the time and decided to head back to The Griffin’s Vineyard.
Goeth: So we just spent how long on Jenna just shopping for unimportant items?
Ert: Too much, that’s how much.
The Griffin’s Vineyard stood shimmering against the midday sun. Its marble roof sparkled with a gold tinge as the sun’s rays hit it just right. Its windows shone like crystal as patches as the low beams of the golden orange rays washed threw them, causing shadows to dance along the windowpane.
Nora: It’s pretty. Or something. Is that what you want me to say? I’m sorry, I can’t help but remember that this land was taken from its rightful owners, and that the Griffins moved in. It’s like talking about how pretty the new Starbucks is, now that you got rid of that tacky Native American burial ground.
As I stepped inside, I noted the fully bustling common room with burly Griffins of all colors talking in meaningless dribble as they drown they’re woes in their ale.
Ert: Because no one drinks when happy in this godforsaken city.
Nora: Maybe they realized what story they’re in.
Then the innkeeper quickly noticed me and eyed me in a way to tell me to come over. “M’ lady your husband has been looking for you.” “He said for me to tell you as soon as you came back to meet him out back by the stables.” “He also said it was important that you do so hastily.” Walking up to her I cracked a small smile. “Thank you ma’am.” “I will go there quickly now.”
Ert: This added nothing and was pointless.
With haste I went to the back of the stables and found Link saddling his stallion. When he noticed me, he called me over to him. “Where have you been Jenna?” “We’re going to be late for our meeting with the Griffin Council.” Link said urgently as he walked over to me and placed a gentle hand upon my shoulder. “Sorry my love, but I got caught up trying to buy some silk.”
Nora: And that was RLY RLY RLY IMPORTANT! I woman, I need to abandon important mission to save the world to buy shiny shit!
Goeth: And I’ve also proven that I can’t be trusted with money.
I watched as Link’s gaze shifted to the silk in my hand. “Let me see that Jenna.” Link said. I handed him the silk and his eyes widened. “This is very beautiful silk honey, where did you get it?” “I found it at a shop and got it real cheap, only twenty rupees.” I replied. “Oh Goddesses love…you must have gotten a deal.” “Usually silk costs more then that, special silk of this type.”
Ert: LQ is weirdly fucking proud of that scene, she keeps bringing it up.
Nora: Look!!@!!@11@@!! I had my totally originally character buying silk, and getting a super duper good deal for it!
Goeth: Shouldn’t she be stopping a dark lord?
Nora BUT SILK!
“But anyway, when we get home we’ll have to have a dress made out of it for you.” “That type matches your skin and I know it will look beautiful on you.” Link said with a broad grin, his eyes
twinkling with a certain desire.
Ert: Translation. He wants to fuck her.
I went into his arms and slowly placed my lips close to his. “Hmm…I know what your thinking about my love, it shows in your eyes.” “But regretfully it will have to wait until we return home.” I said softly at his lips, then inclined to them, tasting the spices still left on them from the ale he drank the night before.
Ert: See? Wasn’t kidding.
Nora: Uh, LQ? Women usually don’t like it when they can taste last night’s booze on their SO’s lips. It’s kinda gross.
Goeth: Has he not eaten or drunk anything else today?
Then Links’ look of desire changed into a serious one. “Dear wife,
Nora: Skipping some boring, they go to the tower of the elders.
Two Griffin guards holding spears in their talons, exchanged surprised glances before their skeptical stares rested upon us.
“What business do you have at the Tower of Elders humans?” One of the Guards said slurred. “Where here to see Lord Dalamar, he has sent word the Griffin Council whishes to speak with us.” Link said calmly.
Ert: And I’m stupid and entitled enough to expect you to just take my word for it. Even though it’s been FUCKING INCESSANTLY hammered into everyone’s heads that you don’t trust humans. I’m a main character you see. In fact, why aren’t you sucking my dick and talking about how my seamen tastes like honey?
The two Guards exchanged glances again, their expressions growing even more skeptical. “What would the High Lord of the Griffin Council what to do with a human?” The guard retorted, again in a slurred voice.
Nora: Oh goodie. He’s drunk. Where’s this particular train of idiocy
Link pushed his horse closer causing the guards to put their spears in an “x” across the gate, blocking his entry. He looked at them irritably, his patience growing thin. “Look, just send for Lord Dalamar and he will tell you himself.”
Goeth: Link is asked a question as to why he would be wanted. Instead of answering, he tried to force his way in. The guards stop him. He gets pissy.
Ert: Hero of Time everyone.
Link scowled, his hands tightening on the reins. One of the Griffin Guards took his spear and placed the tip just inches from Link’s chest. “I don’t know what type of devious plot your planning here human, but if you two don’t get lost……” The guard was cut off by a loud booming voice.
“What the hell do you two think your doing?!” Dalamar yelled as he appeared in the courtyard just beyond the gates.
Ert: Hey Hugh. They’re doing this crazy thing. It’s called their jobs. First people in the actual fucking story to do so. Can’t wait for you to ruin it.
“Lord Dalamar sir,” The Guards turned shocked and saluted. “We didn’t know you were there.” “By the fires of hell you didn’t know I was there, because you’re goofing off that’s why.” Dalamar said angrily. “Now why haven’t you allowed my guests in?”
Nora: Goofing off? Who the hell goofs off by pointing spears at someone?
Ert: Shut up. Both you and Hugh. Griffins act like the suspicious types that they’re supposed to be, and they get chastised for “goofing off.” Whatever the fuck that means. Apparently LQ didn’t realize that having suspicious Griffins meant that they wouldn’t be nice to her self-insert and her fuck boy.
“Dalamar sir….” The guard started. “Yes you heard me right,” Dalamar walked closer to the guards until he was practically breathing on them. “Open those damned gates and allow them in, now!” Dalamar snapped, his eyes glimmering with anger. “Yes…yes sir.” The guard said as he fumbled to get the gates open. Pulling the immense brass gates aside Link and I rode past them and joined Dalamar on the other side.
Nora: Glad to see that Hugh is abusing his subordinates because they aren’t mindlessly obeying him and are doing what they were paid to do.
Goeth: Autocratic societies based on nobility instead of merit. They have these problems a lot.
“Sorry my friends for all of that. I didn’t mean for…..” Link cut him off abruptly. “No worry my friend, we’re just glad that you came along.” Dalamar scuffed a laugh. “Well those guards are just young and naïve.” “Getting good help in the armed services is not easy these days.”
Nora: I mean they just never automatically do what you say. “You gave you authorization for that order? You’re not my superior. You don’t have the authority to do that. This’ll start a war.” Blah blah blah. I’m a main character! People are supposed to do everything I tell them to without question!
But anyway my friends, dismount, I will have the stable hands take the horses to the stables.” “We must make haste, the Council awaits your arrival.” Link and I dismounted, then followed Dalamar inside the Tower.
The inside of the Tower was beautiful.
Ert: Of course it fucking was. God forbid your monument to hostile expansion and genocide look a little ugly.
Goeth: *Holds up brick* Five bucks says I can get a window from here.
Nora: You’re on.
The walls were ivory white trimmed in gold. Wool banners with intricate designs and patterns hung from the walls by gold cords, while shimmering crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling. As with everywhere else, the floors where made of marble while beautiful silk and wool furnishing sat upon it. A thick red wool carpet lined the floor, running all the way to a set of gigantic golden doors.
Ert: We get it. Everything is pretty and beautiful and wonderful and free of the impure dragon scum.
Dalamar stopped just short of the doors and turned to face us.
Nora: Ok, so these doors are made out of gold. That means that they’re stupidly heavy and nearly impossible to open. In hindsight, we did not really think this through.
“Beyond these doors lies the Griffin Council.” “I will go tell them of your arrival.” Dalamar said as he turned to the two guards standing in front and nodded to them. The massive gold doors opened with a loud creak, and Dalamar disappeared behind them. Then the doors slowly closed behind him, leaving us to wait out side.
Goeth: It took a hundred men nearly breaking their bodies to open those doors. Honor their sacrifice.
I just paced outside the massive golden doors for what seemed like an eternity. My eyes just darted from the doors to Link and visa versa. Link just watched as I started to wear a hole in the floor.
Ert: Sadly, the Griffins didn’t tell her to cut the shit.
“Jenna…you know that all of that pacing is not going to get them to see us any faster.” Link stated flatly, his eyes following me. “I know…I’m just anxious, and I hate all this damned waiting.”
Nora: You seemed perfectly content when you were goofing off on your little shopping spree.
Goeth: Why aren’t they going in there right away? Hugh took them to see the council, it’s not like he needs to get their approval. They should’ve started the meeting with them.
Ert: But “tension.”
I returned annoyed and continued my pacing. “Sigh……c’mon Jenna, will you relax and save your energy.” “You’re starting to make me dizzy watching you.” Link said as he shifted himself where he was standing. Reluctantly, I walked over to where Link was standing and sat down near his feet.
Ert: Good. Now act your fucking age.
“I wonder what they could be doing in there for them to be taking so long to see us.” I said grimly as I traced patterns along the floor with my finger. “I’m not sure love, but I think they will not leave us out here forever……” Just then I heard a creaking sound and our heads jerked up.
Ert: If this is an Ent thing where it takes them hours to say good morning, I’m flipping a table.
The massive golden doors opened and a young male Griffin stepped out from behind them. “The Council of Elders will see you now.” He said as he gestured for us to follow him. I got up and followed Link past the two guards and inside the Council Chamber.
Nora: Turns out that it was just them trying to move those damn doors. Also, cutting out some more scenery porn. Because we’re sick of it.
Then my eyes traced forward to the five pedestals where five heavily, carved, oaken chairs sat with five cloaked figures among them. Link and I walked closer then knelt down before them. I remembered that it was always customary when in the presence of high authority to place your hand on the hilt of your weapon.
Ert: SHUT! THE FUCK! UP!
Goeth: She also remembered that it was customary to bake a pie, and had conveniently packed one for each council member.
Ert: Christ I may write a guide to writing one day, if only to keep people from doing shit like this.
I watched as Link solemnly placed his left hand on the hilt of his sword, then lowered his head. Mimicking him, I placed my right hand on my Phoenix Circles then lowered my head as well.
Nora: Because those things have hilts.
We sat in that position for a moment, then a soft elderly female voice spoke out. “Link the “Hero of Time” and Jenna Silverblade(23) please rise and come forth.
Ert: What? What!? WHAT!? WHAT!? FUCKING WHAT!? AN ANNOTATION FOR YOUR MAIN CHARACTER’S FUCKING NAME THIS FAR IN!? ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH!?
(24) Silverblade is Link’s last name. When I (Jenna) married him, I also acquired the hero’s last name. Link Silverblade’s brave deeds have spread across planet Gaia. There isn’t a race known that hasn’t heard of Link Silverblade the “Hero of Time”.
Ert: EAT! A! DICK! AND! OR! TWAT!
Nora: Yeah, Link has a last name. I guess that was included when he was dropped off in the forest by his dying mom.
Rising slowly, I got to my feet and moved closer to the ivory pedestals, and the five figures moved out of the darkness and revealed themselves. I noted that four of the five, were elderly Griffins with gray fur and feathers and two of them were female.
Goeth: Council of elders has old people in it. This was something that needed to be pointed out.
Ert: It’s like she’s trying to make up for all the nothing in the rest of the story. Too little too late.
And on the left sat Dalamar. The Griffin that sat in the center looked to be at least a hundred year old female, decked heavily in jewelry encrusted with emeralds and rubies around her neck, and brightly colored earrings hung from her faltering tufted ears. The gray feathers around her neck laid flatly against her body while her wrinkled clawed hands rested on the arms of her oak chair. Her eyes wore heavy wrinkles around them and her beak looked like it had gotten worn over the years.
Nora: Question. Griffins are supposed to have feathers/fur. How can you see her wrinkles through that?
Ert: Or some other BS powers. And yes, everyone and their grandmother has pretty jewelry. We get is LQ.
He dull gray eyes watched us, scrutinized us, her worn beak sitting gaped open slightly, as she begun to speak. “Link and Jenna Silverblade, are ye the ones that Lord Dalamar claims to have saved him and saw him safely home?” Moving forward slightly, Link bowed is head and answered. “Yes m’ lady, we are the ones Lord Dalamar speaks of.” Link returned formally, his head still bowed. “You know Link Silverblade, we the Griffins never have trusted anyone.”
Ert: I am seriously going to raise an army of dragons to burn that fucking city, and the mountain it’s on, to the ground if I hear that bullshit one more time.
Goeth: Does that mean-
Goeth: Oh happy day! Nora! Give me my emergency kit! I need dragon fire that can melt rocks!
“Ever since the Great War hundreds of years ago when the humans enslaved us and forced us to do their bidding, our faith in the humans has never been the same.”
Ert: A species should never be forced into slavery. Except dragons, fuck those guys.
Nora: I see we’ve met the Grand Wizard of the Griffins.
“But you have proven different.” “You and your wife, Jenna Silverblade, have risked your lives to travel threw the land that Ariakas now controls to safely bring one of our people home.” “Not too many humans will go to great lengths to save one of us, but you and your wife have proven that not all humans are bad,” The elderly Griffin leaned forward in her chair. “However because of that distrust among our people, we cannot allow you both to stay here much longer.”
Goeth: Because if you continue to stay, then bad things might happen. LQ might actually have to write more than two Griffins who don’t actually like humans and actually show it.
Nora: And after they showed basic decency that one time. pity.
Her tufted ears flattened against her head, her gaze softening. “I wish that it didn’t have to come to this.” “Dalamar has informed us that you even risked your lives to save him when you were ambushed by a set of Draconians.” She tilted her head solemnly. “But its that word has spread among our people that there’s humans in the city and many are not happy.” “Some are even rebelling against your presence here.”
Ert: Yeah. Like those two guards and LITERALLY NO ONE ELSE! It seems all the chaos and rebelling is going on over there. Off screen. Where it doesn’t get in the way of Link and Jenna talking about how they want to fuck some more.
Nora: Maybe they should’ve seen Link and Jenna sooner if this was a big deal. But no. We needed the all too important scene where Jenna goes shopping.
“We cannot have an uproar now even when we need our people to be strong in light of this raging war against Ariakas.” “So I will have to ask you and your wife to please leave in the morning.” “Again I wish that it didn’t have to come to this, but maybe one day with the knowledge that there are humans like you, then maybe all of us will learn to trust again.” “But the time isn’t now.”
Goeth: Link and Jenna saved one of their own, and now they’re telling Link and Jenna to leave without anything else being talked about. Including the dragon knights.
Ert: WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF COMING HERE!?
“However,” The Griffin Elder, looked over to the Elderly male Griffin at her right, and took something from his clawed hand. “Should you ever need one of us in a time of need,” The elder rose to her feet, standing on her hind legs and walked down the steps in front of Link. “We will always come to your aid should you ever call.” She outstretched her clawed hand and handed Link a small crystal pendant with the Griffin emblem on top of it.
Nora: That’s the point apparently. Not to form an alliance against an overwhelming threat, but to get nice things.
Ert: Fuck these people.
“That Crystal is called a (24)Mind Glyph.” “Those are symbolic to our people,
Nora: What they symbolize is something that will never be discussed, but don’t worry about that.
but I want you to have it.” “Should you ever need us, all you have to do is focus your thoughts into the Crystal and think of us.” “All of us here on the Council are connected to it telepathically, just open up your heart and we will answer.”
Ert: In short, we don’t trust humans, so now we’ll come to you whenever you call. That’s how it works apparently.
Nora: No point covering the annotation, it’s just restating what we were just told.
She raised a clawed hand and rested it on Link’s shoulder. Her soft dull eyes gazing into his. “We know all about your great exploits Link Silverblade also known as the “Hero of Time.” “How you saved your entire homeland from a deadly evil threat, restoring peace and prosperity to what it once was.” “Knowledge of those great heroics is well known throughout our city, even teachings of your great deeds is taught to our little ones in school.”
Goeth: Again, Link’s heroics seem to get a lot of documentation, even though he was the only one around for most of it.
Ert: Item number one on how not to write stories. Have your plot exist to do more than suck your main characters of.
“But,” Her gaze suddenly hardened and her clawed hand moved back to her side causing the jewelry on her tufted ears to jingle as it moved. “Even in light of such bravery, the presence of humans in our city is causing uneasiness among our people.”
Nora: Somewhere over there, off screen. You know, those imaginary riots claimed a lot of theoretical lives.
Link bowed his head again, his eyes along the floor. “I understand High Priestesses Alhana, we will leave under your orders in the morning.” “There is not need for explanations, we have always known that Griffins were not always trusting since the time of the Great War.”
Ert: THAT DOES IT! GOETH! START BREEDING!
Goeth: Oh, this is gonna be fun.
“Were sorry that our presence here has been unwanted.” Link returned apologetic. Alhana put her clawed hand gently under Link’s chin, her talon resting softly against his skin she slowly lifted his head up until their eyes met. “Young warrior, there is no need for apologies, you came here under the pretences of returning one of our own safely.” “And for that there is no need for you to be sorry about your presence here.”
Nora: Uh, bad touch?
Ert: Let’s just get this sappy bullshit over so that we can all move on with our lives.
Goeth: Most of us anyway. Ok, so do you want multi headed dragons?
Ert: Keep it streamlined.
Goeth: Got it.
The Elder slowly turned and returned to her seat on the Council. “When the day comes that our people can learn to trust again, we would be honored if you and your wife would return here to our great city.” “But until then….” Link knelt down again and put his left hand on the hilt of his sword. “There is no need for explanations High Priestess Alhana, we will respect your wishes.”
Nora: Now maybe we should do something about organization counteroffensives against that guy with the army of dragonriders…no? Just this fell good stuff? Ok then.
Ert: Good luck not getting karma for what you did to the dragons.
Link just sat there, Alhana’s gaze shifting from him to me then back to him again. “Rise again young hero.” Alhana said as her gaze softened once more. Link rose again and their eyes locked. “Always remember of what was spoken here today,
Goeth: Nothing of importance.
and keep that Mind Glyph close to your heart for we are forever indebt to you, Link Silverblade.” “I will have High Lord Dalamar show you to the gates.” “Take care Link and Jenna Silverblade, may the Goddesses watch over you.” Alhana said as Dalamar rose from his chair on the Council and came down beside us.
Nora: Once again, it becomes laughable that Jenna didn’t know about the Triforce. Everyone and their dog worships the Hyrule pantheon. Yet she didn’t know the most important thing about them.
“Follow me my friends, I will have your horses brought to the front.” Dalamar said as he walked towards the massive golden doors, then out. We followed Dalamar to the front gates where are horses were saddled and waiting for us. Link and I mounted our horses then turned to face Dalamar one last time. “I want to thank you again my friends for accompanying me on my journey and seeing me safely home.” Dalamar said appreciably, his crystal blue eyes
Ert: Jenna, Hugh stole your boyfriend’s eyeballs. I watched him do it and it was hilarious. You may want to do something about that.
Ert: Already got some.
Goeth: This is why I work for you.
Ert: I’m rethinking my whole life now.
glistening under the sunlight. “No need for that, it is all in the hero’s line of work.” “I swore by the very code to help those in need and I strongly a hear to that code.”
Nora: The code of advancing the plot in a way that makes you two look good.
Link returned solemnly. “It was a pleasure accompanying you here.” “My wife and I had always wanted to see the magnificence of the Griffin City.” Dalamar laughed huskily. “Well my friends I’m sure glad that you did join me or I might have ended up as roasted Griffin meat for the Draconians.”
Goeth: Don’t get too comfortable. I just need to code the DNA, might take awhile, but once it’s done, the eggs just need to incubate.
Link’s gaze suddenly hardened. “Do you think that Ariakas is planning an attack against your people?”
Nora: The guy who’s been at war with them for a century? NAH!
Link said darkly. Dalamar’s face faltered, the tufts ears resting flatly against his head. “I cannot be too sure, but the Council is going to prepare in case we will have to go to war.”
Ert: YOU ARE AT WAR YOU DAFT TWAT! The entire plot to this story keeps changing on a fucking dime!
Nora: A very-VERY worn out dime.
“We’re already preparing the troops for heavy combat and upping security along our borders.” “I’d say were safe…for now.” Dalamar returned flatly, his expression darkening. “Well we wish you all the best of luck…and should you ever need us…you know where to find us.” Link said as he turned he stallion towards the gate.
Goeth: Actually, he doesn’t know where you live.
Ert: Probably for the best.
“Thank you again my friends…..and may the Goddesses see your safe return back to Hyrule.” Dalamar said as he gestured for the guards at the gates to open it. A clank sound filled the air as the heavy brass gates slid open, allowing us to pass. With one look back, we waved one last time back at our new-found friend before departing into the marble streets.
Nora: We get it, there’s a lot of marble in this city. Shut up about it.
Link and I remained quiet for a short time, listing to the clicking sound of the horse’s hooves on the marble roads as we rode. Then finally it was I who broke the silence. “Link,” I started. “Hmmm…..” He responded. “Do you think we should start heading back to Hyrule now instead of tomorrow?” “I mean, I think the sooner we get back the better.” I returned fervently, my hands twitching nervously on the reins. Link looked over at me with eagerness in his eyes.
Ert: They have to leave the city. Jenna asks if they should start heading back to Hyrule right now.
Ert: NO FUCKING SHIT YOU SHOULD!
“I was just thinking the same thing love.” “We need to hurry back with the information we possess.” Zelda must be informed of what we encountered on our way here.” Link returned with growing worry. “I agree.” “So are we heading out now?” I questioned. “Yes…yes we are.” “I think we should get back before anything else happens….”
Ert: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNN god this chapter sucked.