1633: The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t

Title: The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t
Author: BreezyWheezy07
Media: Movies
Topic: The Santa Clause/High School Musical
Genre: Humor/Drama
URL: One Shot
Critiqued by Angie, Hiraani and Jeffrey

*yawns and opens eyes, waking up outside Lyle’s office. Suddenly, her eyes widen*

IT’S CHRISTMAS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

*goes to desk and pulls out presents from under it, starts delivering*

Here you go, Hiraani!

Hiraani: Shit! A copy of Fountainhead! Thanks!

Here you go, Jeffrey!

Jeffrey: This is literally an empty pickle jar, but thanks anyway.

*hands Lyle a Toy Story toy phone and an anvil*

Lyle: I’m totally incorporating this into my next riff. *scurries*

I’m afraid.

*hands Auntie Vodka a pack of Oreos*

Auntie Vodka: I wanted meat.

Well, hopefully Santa brought some.

Auntie Vodka: Santa is dead and so is your dad.

Your brother?

Auntie Vodka: They’re the same person.

And I suppose I’ll deliver the rest of the presents as the comments roll in. But for now, since it’s Christmas, I decided I would attempt to tackle The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t by BreezyWheezy07.

This is not the worst crossover out there, but it’s pretty fucking stupid. Here we have Sharpay Evans…saving Christmas? I think that’s what I’m supposed to understand.

But since I’m in the Christmas mood, I’ll let Hiraani and Jeffrey riff with me!

Hiraani: Dibs on the quotation marks!

Jeffrey: Asshole.

“You snooze, you lose.”

Without further ado, let’s dive into…The Chri—I thought you were gonna say it with me.

“Oh, oops.”

Jeffrey: Ah, fuck.

Okay. One. Two. Three.

All: The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t!

THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN’T

Jeffrey: Just in case you forgot what the name of the fic was.

“Kind of redundant, though, if you ask me.”

*ALARMS BLARE*

Already? We just started the riff!

“…sorry.”

DISCLAIMER: The “Santa Clause” series belongs to Disney, and “High School Musical” belongs to Disney Channel. I am merely borrowing the movies for entertainment purposes.

Ah, the good old disclaimer.

Jeffrey: It’s a nice touch, even if it’s a bit cliche.

I suppose.

CHARACTERS:

“Oh, fuck.”

Jeffrey: Am I allowed to use a skip?

Go ahead.

Jeffrey: Alright. Skip!

Jason Cross

“The dude from Kung fu Panda is in this?”

Nah, I think it’s the wrestler.

Jeffrey: That makes even less sense.

PLOT: Charlie and Louisa Calvin start at East High in Albuquerque, only to learn that Sharpay Evans is on the naughty list.

Say it with me!

All: Timeswiggle!

“Also, no shit Sharpay is on the naughty list. She’s the fucking villain in High School Musical.”

Jeffrey: *looks at Hiraani, confused*

“I studied.”

The Calvin twins, aka Calvin Cavalry, must attempt to make Sharpay good, or there is to be no Christmas in Albuquerque!

Because…that makes sense!

“Really? I have no idea what this author is trying to say.”

Stay positive. It’ll make things easier.

Jeffrey: Duly noted.

Can the Calvin Cavalry save Christmas in time, or will Sharpay stop Christmas in Albuquerque?

“So Sharpay’s plan is to stop Christmas in Albuquerque because…why?”

Because she’s on the bad list?

“How would she know that?”

Jeffrey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Read and Review! Oh, and before I start, I must warn all of you that this will only be a long one-shot, unless you ask for a sequel in your reviews.

Hopefully nobody asked for a sequel.

“I think we bit off more than we can chew.”

THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN’T

*sigh*

*BLARING ALARMS BLARE*

“That’s really starting to hurt my ears.”

Jeffrey: Yeah, well I’m literally an anthropomorphic squirrel. My hearing is more sensitive than yours.

“*looks at Angie* Is that true?”

I don’t know, man. I can’t understand half the stuff that comes out of Jeffrey’s mouth.

Jeffrey: Christmas mood, huh?

I like to be thorough.

Charlie Calvin and his sister, Louisa stepped into the principal’s office at East High School.

“Seriously though. How old is Charlie canonically?”

Jeffrey: My question is why we needed an OC in this shit.

I wish I could give you guys answers.

Both were feeling very nervous about starting at a new school so late in the semester, but they knew that they had to do this for their father.

“Your father paid good money for this school.”

Thanks, dad.

“He would be proud.”

FLASHBACK:

Jeffrey: Is that completely necessary?

Is this fic completely necessary?

Jeffrey: *considers* Nope.

“Charlie, Louisa!” Santa Claus called into the seemingly empty house. He knew his kids just had to be home, they just had to!

And what if they weren’t? What would he have done then?

“Probably some ex machina bullshit.”

Jeffrey: Probably.

I’ll take that.

“Daddy, what’s wrong?” Louisa asked.

And here’s the stupidest reasoning for this shit I’ve ever heard.

Jeffrey: He’s got a dabbing addiction?

“A cat fucked up his naughty or nice lists?”

“There is something terribly wrong with my naughty and nice list, and I was wondering if you’d help me?” Santa asked cautiously.

“Nailed it.”

“Sure, Dad. What is it?” Carlie asked.

Wait wait wait, hold up! Who?

Jeffrey: Oh god, don’t be bringing iCarly into this.

“THAT SERIES WAS A GEM.”

Agreed.

He knew that if his dad was having trouble up at the North Pole, he and his sister had to help out.

“Because, blue.”

Mhm.

“It’s a city in New Mexico called Albuquerque. Uh…specifically one person, I should say.”

Jeffrey: Albuquerque. Population: 1.

“No wonder.”

“Who?” Louisa asked impatiently. If her father needed the Calvin Cavalry, he better get on with it before she fell asleep!

Yeah, fuck you, dad!

“Santa isn’t gonna like that.”

“Sharpay Evans is her name.”

And fucking up holidays is her game!

Jeffrey: *ba dum tss*

*BLARING ALARMS BLARE*

But nobody said anything redundant!

“That’s the Anti Joke Brigade.”

Oh goddamnit.

“Wait…Sharpay Evans…she’s the twin sister of my chatroom buddy, Ryan Evans.

What luck! Saved by the machine once again!

“Deus ex machina?”

Indeed!

She’s always causing trouble at East High School, according to Ryan. Latest episode: she attempted to break up Ryan’s friend Troy Bolton and his girlfriend Gabriella Montez only because she wants Troy for herself! The attempt, though, was unsuccessful.” Louisa said.

“And that’s what you missed on High School Musical!”

“Charlie…what’re we gonna do? We made Dad a promise that we’d make Sharpay good!”

Jeffrey: Um…no, you didn’t.

Sometimes you just have to use your imagination.

“What do you mean, what are we gonna do?” Charlie asked.

Jeffrey: Maybe build a rocket?

Or fight a mummy?

“Or climb up the Eiffel tower?”

“I mean, how are we going to get to-” Louisa started to speak, but was interrupted by a slam of the front door and a

“Shut the fuck up?”

Jeffrey: End this fic already?

“KIDS, COME HERE A MINUTE, WILL YOU?” from Niel Miller.

“Close enough.”

Louisa sighed. “Time to go see the world’s most boring psychologist again.”

“Hey, that’s not nice.”

It’s true, though.

“It’s true, but it’s not nice.”

Charlie, Louisa, and their stepsister, Lucy, sat down. Laura Miller,

Dead name of Larry Miller.

Jeffrey:

Low blow?

Jeffrey: Really low blow.

Sorry.

their mother and Santa sat down across from them. “I have bad news. Uh, good news for me, bad news for you.”

Jeffrey: He’s got a dabbing addiction?

“A cat fucked up his naughty or nice lists?”

“Go on, Daddy!” Lucy said impatiently.

Jeffrey: Yeah, seriously! Jesus!

“We have to move to Albuquerque because I have been offered a job there and I said yes!” Niel blurted out.

I get that he blurted it out, but was that really cause for no punctuation?

“You and I have a very different understanding of ‘blurting’.”

“Hey, Niel, actually that’s good news for us, too!” Louisa said.

What luck! Seriously, there’s so much ex machina in here, it’s astounding.

“How so?”

Jeffrey: I’m glad you asked, random citizen! I—hold on. *peels Niel out of story*

Eww. What are you doing?

Jeffrey: Can we keep him?

No! That’s gross!

“He’s just a psychologist.”

*grumbles* Fine, but y’all have to take care of him. Feed him, give him water. Let him outside to pee, I’ll install a doggy door.

Niel: Hai!

Hai. Now go into the dungeon.

Niel: Okie! *falls down stairs into dungeon*

What a good kid.

“Dad gave us a job to do there, too. We have to save Christmas in Albuquerque, other wise there won’t be any Christmas for the kids there…”

“That’s right!” Charlie said.

I mean. You know that’s right, Louisa didn’t need your acknowledgment.

Jeffrey: It might be nice to be noticed once in awhile.

*Niel bumps into stuff from down in the dungeon*

Jesus, he’s clumsier than I am.

“So, what are we waiting for? I have a new office waiting for me and you two have a Chistmas mission to do, so let’s get moving!” Niel said.

Jeffrey: Sounds like a plan.

“A poorly executed plan, but a plan nonetheless.”

END OF FLASHBACK.

All: Thank God.

Now Charlie and Louisa sat at the principal’s office of their new school waiting for their new schedules and a quick tour before homeroom.

Really. What a surprise. From the way you set up your story, I thought they’d be in the boiler room.

Jeffrey: Angie, Niel’s crying.

Good for him. Anyway, let’s go on.

East High School’s Principal Matsui was a very nice, but tough, man.

I’m too lazy to check if that holds through Uncle Google’s searches.

“Hey, just like the author of this fic!

He asked a question only Louisa could answer positively for her and Charlie: “Do either of you two know anybody here at East High?”

“I might,” Louisa answered.

No. Don’t say ‘I might’. You know for a matter of fact you know someone who goes to East High. Don’t be ambiguous for no reason.

“Getting a little tense, aren’t you?”

“Who?” Principal Matsui asked while Charlie looked on with a confused look on his face.

Jeffrey: Charlie doesn’t know about Ryan? What does he think Louisa does on the internet?

Watch porn?

“Angie!”

What? It’s a fair question.

“Ryan Evans. Does he go to school here with a sister named Sharpay Evans?” Louisa asked.

Fucking…!

Jeffrey: YOU KNOW HE GOES TO THIS SCHOOL WITH SHARPAY. DON’T BE OBNOXIOUS.

“Yes, they do. Why do you ask?”

“…because you asked if she knew anyone who went here?”

Why is everyone in this fic acting so oblivious to everything that’s going on?

“Ryan’s an online friend of mine. I knew him before I even came to this school. I doubt he’ll know who I am, as I never even sent him a picture of myself.”

*looks up at alarms, then at Hiraani* Don’t. Even. Think about it.

“Wasn’t gonna.”

“Okay. Well, shall we get started on the quick tour before I take you to Mrs. Darbus’s homeroom?”

“Orientation, hon. It’s called orientation.”

He is the principal. He should know that.

Jeffrey: Yeah, he’s the principal. He’s an incompetent one, but he’s a principal regardless.

Louisa and Charlie quickly stood up and followed Principal Matsui out into the long corridor by the bulletin boards.

Jeffrey: Author, why did you find it necessary to mention it was the long corridor by the bulletin boards?

“Maybe its to describe the location? Separate it from the other hallways?”

Jeffrey: Unlikely. Shouldn’t every main hallway have bulletin boards? Or something?

Good question.

“Here are your schedules, I will have two students from your homeroom show you to your classes today.

Why don’t they already have their schedules?

“Better question. Aren’t these kids, like, ten?”

Jeffrey: Maybe this is a crossover with A.N.T. Farm?

Oh my god, I almost forgot that show. Thanks for nothing.

“Are you implying these kids are prodigies?”

Jeffrey: It’s the best theory I’ve got.

Charlie, you get Troy Bolton. Louisa, you get Ryan Evans. How does that sound?”

How ironic is it that the two people that can get them close to Sharpay are their orientation ‘Big-Brother’s?

“Just another deus ex machina.”

Jeffrey: This fic is full of Christmas miracles.

“Cool.” Louisa and Charlie said unanimously.

Radical.

Jeffrey: Nice.

“Alright!”

Niel: *screams bloody murder*

Thanks for playing.

“Okay, let’s go.” He showed the Calvins the bathrooms (in his opinion, esential to all students attending the school),

I mean, clearly. Unless you’re expecting them to piss their fucking pants.

Jeffrey: That swear word was kind of unnecessary.

Fuck off.

“Language!”

the cafeteria, and the front vestibule where a Christmas tree and a few other decorations sat.

They have a Christmas tree? In a high school? I’m all for schools decorating for the holidays, don’t get me wrong. But what?

“Its best not to question it.”

“Hey, you actually decorated this school,” Charlie said. He was beginning to like this principal more and more.

Yeah, well, I hate him.

Jeffrey: To each their own.

“*peers at dungeon* Where did Niel find a toy train?”

Merry Christmas!

“Yes, and why wouldn’t I?”

Yes, please explain.

“Um, our other principal wasn’t really into the Christmas spirit. That is, until she married our Dad at Christmas.” Louisa explained.

Jeffrey: Good enough for me.

“Hmmm. Doesn’t sound like my type of Principal. Let me introduce you to Troy, Charlie.”

Well, that was fast.

“I was under the assumption they were in the office already. Office aids.”

Jeffrey: Wait, so. If they’re not office aids, why are they doing orientation?

I don’t fucking know.

Charlie and Louisa followed Principal Matsui to a tall, dirty-blonde-headed boy. He had his arms wrapped around a petite Hispanic girl who was grinning at him. Louisa immediately knew who they were before the principal opened his mouth. “That’s Troy Bolton and his girlfriend Gabriella Montez, right?”

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if she was way off and they ended up being twins named John and Joan?

“Why John and Joan?”

Why not?

Jeffrey: Fair enough.

“How’d you know our names when you’ve never even set foot in here until today?” Gabriella asked.

Lucky guess?

“Ryan Evans is my email friend.”

Um, no. He’s your chatroom friend. Make up your mind.

“Isn’t she not supposed to go online without her parents permission?”

Jeffrey: Eh, her dad is Santa Claus.

“Alright.”

“Ryan?” Troy asked. “He’s a good friend of mine.

*BLARING ALARMS BLARE*

Who set those off? *glares at Niel*

Niel: Hai!

Are you Louisa Calvin?”

“Nope, I’m movie star Meryl Streep.”

Jeffrey: Easy mistake.

“Yep.” Louisa said.

“Good to meet you. Are you Charlie?” Troy asked Louisa’s brother.

Jeffrey: Nope. I’m famous actor Leonardo DiCaprio.

I’m sensing a theme.

“Uh-huh.” Charlie said.

“Come with me, and I’ll introduce you to my friends.”

Wouldn’t it be best that you didn’t do that and just showed them around the school?

“The Calvin children literally have no time for this shit.”

“Okay.”

Jeffrey: No! Don’t be stupid!

“Too late.”

Jeffrey: God damnit!

“That was fast,” Louisa said to Principal Matsui, who led her to two blonde-haired people.

Jeffrey: Even the characters are referencing this fic’s fucked up pacing.

*fist bumps Jeffrey*

“Ryan?” the principal asked.

*glares at Hiraani* Make another joke. Do it, see what happens.

Jeffrey: No, I’m Lucas Gabreel.

Oh my fucking god.

“I didn’t do anything, I didn’t say anything about Jeffrey.”

“Yeah?” asked the boy.

Can we get on with this roll call? Usually that’s saved for the teachers.

“This is Louisa Calvin. You may know her as an online friend?”

“I hate that these characters are being so vague. It’s useless.”

Jeffrey: Kill me.

“Oh. My. Goodness. You’re Louisa?” Ryan Evans asked incredulously.

You expect me to believe that you didn’t exchange photos?

Jeffrey: I’m calling bullshit.

“In the flesh!” Louisa said.

The bell rang that instant, and Louisa and Ryan and Sharpay all went to Mrs. Darbus’s auditorium/classroom.

Wait, since when is Sharpay with them?

“Oh yeah, that happened a few seconds ago.”

Did I miss that?

Jeffrey: You just kinda randomly fell asleep and didn’t wake up.

“What’s your first class?” Ryan asked Louisa. He wanted to get her there so he could make it to his on time.

“That was a shit orientation. You pick them up, you have them meet your friends, and then you go to class. Nice.”

Also, where did Troy and Gabriella go?

Jeffrey: Again, you fell asleep.

*feels pockets* Where’s Baby?

Baby: *from the dungeon* “Blam!”

Really?

“I thought it would be funny.”

“Mine’s Algebra two with Mr. Goldman (A/N:

No…no….

that’s the real name of my former Algebra 2 teacher in high school).”

“NOOOOOOOOOOO.”

Jeffrey: Oh my god, Breezy. Enough.

“I have the same class,” Louisa said.

Deus.

“Ex.”

Jeffrey: Machina.

“Okay, let’s go, then.”

That may be a smart idea.

“Wouldn’t want to get expelled for sluffing on the first day.”

Jeffrey: *smirks*

Louisa’s first day at East High went fairly well until lunchtime…or maybe not…

I think we might finally be establishing our villain.

“I’ll bet you 10 dollars.”

You’re on.

‘Okiedokie…I have my lunch, but where do I sit?’ Louisa asked herself. As if he was reading her mind, Ryan Evans suggested that she sit with him and Sharpay.

Jeffrey: That is a really bad idea.

This riff was a really bad idea.

“This fic was a really bad idea.”

“Hey, Sharpay, I have a question…according to Ryan, you’re always a bad girl. Why can’t you be good for once?” Louisa said bluntly. She knew Ryan would get pissed off about that, probably, but she just had to ask.

“*sighs, passes over 10 dollars*”

Thank you.

“Because that’s who I am. I can’t pretent to be someone I’m not.” Sharpay snapped.

“Alliteration is always a good idea when trying to get people interested in your story.”

Jeffrey: Although to be fair, trying to get your audience interested in your fic halfway through the story means you did something bad earlier.

‘Whoa, not the answer I was expecting…’ Louisa thought.

Why not?

“I thought we already established that everyone in this fic has the IQ of a grapefruit.”

Out loud, Louisa told Ryan she’d be right back. She opened up her cell phone and called Charlie.

“So did you leave the table or not?”

Jeffrey: She literally said she’d be right back and then just took out her flip phone.

You know teenagers. We’ll see Louisa in a few hours.

“What’s up?” Charlie asked.

“Sharpay’s answer to my theory.

What theory?

“The Theory of Everything.”

NO! Stop ruining good movies by connecting them to this fic!

She didn’t prove me right. She said that she misbehaves only because being good isn’t what she does.”

Back up. What was your theory???

Jeffrey: It’s never explained.

Fuck!

“Damn it! What now?”

Charlie! Language!

“Hypocrite.”

Oh, shut up.

“I dunno. We can talk to dad later for more ideas, right?”

Does Santa Claus not have a cellphone?

“That’s the plot of the sequel fic.”

Really?

“Probably not, but it would be more interesting than this fic.”

Jeffrey: Santa’s trip to AT&T.

“Okay…” Charlie said.

“See you later, bro.”

“You too.”

Jeffrey: *gives Hiraani a ticket* Enjoy your movie!

“Y-you too.”

‘I have to tell Ryan or Christmas won’t come to Albuquerque!’ Louisa thought on her way home later that day.

“I have to keep being redundant or the world will explode!”

*AWOOGAH. AWOOGAH*

I’m gonna scream.

Niel: *starts crying*

SHUT UP.

She knew that she’d be betraying her father’s secret by telling Ryan exactly who he was and what she was supposed to be doing, but she knew that she would eventually have to tell him everything. Why not tomorrow before school?

Why not? Hiraani, why not?

“She’d be revealing her father’s secret?”

Jeffrey: Ding ding ding!

THE NEXT DAY…

Jeffrey: Great, another time skip. How many do we need?

Clearly several hundred.

“Charlie, I have to tell him. You told Danielle, so why should this be any different?” Louisa asked.

*snorts*

“What?”

I’ve been reading through Breezy’s bio, looking at her stories.

“Oh?”

The majority of her stories contain a character named Louisa, and her name is Louise.

Jeffrey: I see. So all the Louisa’s are Mary Sues in her stories?

Pretty much.

Jeffrey: Fantastic.

“Louie, this is just your friend, girl…You can’t tell him until you really trust him.” Charlie countered.

You gotta say friend-girl so people don’t mistake you for a lesbian. Because…pointless homophobia!

“Charlie, that’s a very valid point, but I’m telling him everything today.”

“No, it’s not really a valid point. Like, at all.”

Jeffrey: A girl can dream.

Ryan was standing right behind Louisa when she said the last few words. “Tell me what?”

I’d be surprised, but Louisa never left the table.

Jeffrey: *snorts*

“I have a secret to tell, so go find Troy and Gabs, huh?”

“Wait, why should he get Troy and Gabriella? There’s literally no reason.”

It’s best not to think about this fic too hard.

“Tell me what?” repeated Ryan.

Jeffrey: Answer the fucking question.

“Uh…come here,” Louisa said, pulling Ryan with her back outside the school to her brother’s car.

Jeffrey: FUCKING GET ON WITH IT.

‘This must be really serious, otherwise she wouldn’t have pulled me to her car.’ thought Ryan.

Who’s POV is this supposed to be in? If it’s Louisa’s, how do we know what Ryan is thinking? If it’s Ryan’s, how do we know what Louisa is thinking?

“Ryan…I just want you to know that

“Skip!”

co-workers will no longer exist,” Louisa said all in one breath.

“It’s just a big wall of text describing the plot so far.”

Ryan just stared at Louisa, hardly daring to breathe. Ryan never told anyone, even Sharpay, but he still believed in Santa.

Jeffrey: Once again, I’m calling bullshit.

Niel: I believe in Santa!

Well of course you do.

He was now staring at his daughter for the first time.

Wait, Louisa is Ryan’s daughter? Is there some affair shit I’m just now learning about?

She had been sent to do something for her father, but so far was unsuccessful.

“Thanks author. I wouldn’t have pieced that together if you hadn’t told me.”

Jeffrey: I’m pasting that on Andilliteman’s Wall of Awesome whether he likes it or not.

Ryan decided it was high time HE helped someone do his or her job.

Jeffrey: What about all those times you helped Sharpay with her schemes?

Wait. Why isn’t Ryan on the naughty list?

“Because he believes in Santa?”

Jeffrey: That is a terrible answer.

“What was I supposed to say?”

“Louisa, that’s not hogwash.

No, that’s not hogwash. That’s bullshit.

Jeffrey: Two very different things.

Don’t tell anyone, but I have always believed in your dad. I’m gonna help you complete your mission whether you like it or not! Heck, I even just got an idea. Want to hear it?”

Sure. And get on with it, we’re already off the riff limit.

“We are?”

Jeffrey: You never seemed to follow the limit before.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Louisa couldn’t believe her luck.

Me neither. At least the fic is acknowledging its overabundant use of deus ex machina.

The guy whom she thought was going to hate her was helping her! She was one lucky girl.

“Wait. Why would he hate you? Aren’t you online friends? What guy would be like ‘Louisa, you’re my best friend. Oh wait, your dad is Santa? Nope. That’s where I draw the line.’”

“Let’s hear it!” Louisa said, he sprits high again because of her new friend.

Jeffrey: He’s not your new friend! You’ve known him online for quite some time now. Have you never acknowledged each other as friends before this moment?

Friday, December 22, 2006 came so fast that Louisa could’ve sworn that her hair was on fire as she brushed it on her way out her bedroom door.

That’s a really awkward metaphor.

“Agreed. I agree so much I could swear my hair is on fire.”

Jeffrey: *grabs extinguisher* Uhh, Hiraani?

“Hmm?”

Jeffrey: *points to Hiraani’s hair*

“Well, fuck.”

The Millers’ phone rang and Louisa answered it on her way out the door.

The Millers? Is Louisa having an impromptu sleepover? Who would call a house who Louisa doesn’t belong to to get ahold of her?

It was Ryan.

Jeffrey: Ryan.

Okay, okay, I get it, smartass.

He was ready to kick the plan into gear.

“Did we already establish a plan, or is Ryan just winging it and hoping for the best?”

At school, Louisa walked up to Sharpay, who was whispering to Zeke about a new recipe he was thinking of trying. “Sharpay?” Louisa asked tentatively.

Wow! You learned a new word! Nice!

“I’m sensing a hint of sarcasm.”

“What?” she snapped. Louisa was ruining something important and she wanted to get back to Zeke before he went to practice.

Jeffrey: What’s so important that you can’t talk to your brother’s friend? And why is she talking to Zeke of all people?

“Ryan and I need to ask you a little favor.”

“Can it wait until lunch?”

“No. Please, it’s urgent. If it wasn’t, would I ask?”

Exactly. We need to wrap this story up as fast as we can. Let’s just hope there’s no more filler.

“Okay. Bye, Zeke. Have

*rolls eyes, sigh* Okay. Skip!

carols to children. Want to do it?” Ryan asked tentatively. He knew he was treading upon treacherous waters, but he had to do it. It was all he had.

“Basically, Ryan is here all of a sudden and he’s asking Sharpay if she’ll sing Christmas carols at a children’s hospital.”

Jeffrey: Described through a big wall of text.

It wasn’t fun for us either.

“No. I am only willing enough to lend my voice to my peers, not to sick, needy children,” Sharpay snapped.

Again, enough with the alliteration, fuckweasel. Unless it’s unintentional, in which case, learn grammar, fuckweasel.

“Sharpay,” Ryan said, starting to get angry, but putting up a calm front for Louisa.

Jeffrey: Why? Why do you find it necessary to put up a calm front for Louisa? Why is that at all important?

“Because reasons.”

“Please do this one small thing for the children. Besides, you’re always complaining about how you don’t have much to do in the evenings when we get home.

“I seriously doubt that. I’m pretty sure she’s doing auditions—”

Even during auditions, you’re bored. Please, please, please?”

“…. Alright.”

Hiraani is defeated.

Jeffrey: *plays sad horns*

“Okay, okay, okay, Ryan!” Sharpay huffed. “Deets, please.”

“Tomorrow afternoon at noon.” Ryan said.

Great. So we’re being set up for yet another time skip.

“Ghostie would hate this.”

“Pick whatever carols you wish to sing, and sing them with all your heart.”

How about…I Fucking Love Christmas by Doug Walker…The 12 Days of Christmas Story 2…and uh…uh….

Jeffrey: Santa Baby?

Sure, let’s go with that.

“Will you be there?”

“No. This is all you.”

“Fine.”

“Why is she suddenly agreeing to this?”

Jeffrey: A better question would be: how does this all relate to the story?

It doesn’t. There’s your answer.

Saturday’s sun shone brightly in the sky.

Yup, time skip.

“How did we know?”

Jeffrey: Gee, I don’t fucking know.

Sharpay groaned as she got dressed for the day. She knew she had to sing at the hospital for a bunch of stupid little kids for Ryan, so she had chosen her three songs:

You’re making it sound like this is Ryan’s Make-a-Wish.

Jeffrey: *snort* Seriously.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Winter Wonderland, and Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

Aww…she didn’t choose any of my songs.

“*pats Angie on the head*”

Thanks.

Niel: SANTA BABY HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT.

I don’t think Niel fell too far from the tree.

Jeffrey: He must have bonked his head on the way down.

At about 11:30, she got into her car and drove to the hospital where she was admitted as the volunteer singer in the children’s ward.

Jesus Christ, another time skip.

Jeffrey: This fucking sucks.

Tell me about it!

All of the children were gathered in a large room with a microphone and a chair.

“Yeah, I would assume that. That’s  generally how these things usually go.”

Sharpay decided to sing Winter Wonderland first, and that went well with her audience.

That was pointless to say, but I can’t use a skip to get past it, so we just have to roll with it.

Jeffrey: Ugh. Why did we use our skips so early?

Their enthusiasm tore at her heart. She felt tears in her eyes as she realized something. Louisa’s face was in the audience, and Sharpay knew what Louisa had done.

Convinced Ryan to help her get Sharpay to sing for the sick children? I thought that was pretty clear.

“Um, I have to go to the bathroom really quick. I don’t think you kids want to see a songbird make a puddle on the floor, huh?” Sharpay excused herself.

*crickets chirp*

“Wat?”

Don’t think about it, you might hurt your head.

She had to call Ryan and ask him if her suspicions were true.

Jeffrey: So you didn’t have to go to the bathroom? You lied? Bastard!

Would you expect anything else?

“Ryan?” Sharpay asked once he answered his phone. “Is Louisa an angel?”

The better question would be “Is Louisa an angel.”

“Yup!”

Jeffrey: Yeah.

Niel: *starts laughing uncontrollably*

That’s what I thought.

“What do you mean?” Ryan asked with laughter in his voice.

“She made me realize that I was a bad girl this year. I may have ruined Christmas…”

Really though. How can one person stop Christmas? Is this just How the Sharpay Stole Christmas?

“I would much rather read that fic.”

Jeffrey: Me too.

Alas, it’s not meant to be.

“No. When you sang, the good deed was done. Are you done singing yet? Louisa and I want you to meet someone.”

“Not yet, let me finish up.”

And hurry on with it. We’re running out of space.

And she hung up and went to sing her other two songs to the kids. When she left, she felt very good inside now that she had done a good deed.

“Aw! Sharpay had a character arc!”

Jeffrey: Too bad it was rushed and boring.

*gives Jeffrey a Good Noodle star*

As soon as she got home, she was Louisa and Ryan and…Santa Claus?!

Oh yeah! This is a crossover! I totally forgot, guys, sorry.

“We forgive you.”

Thank you.

“Santa? I thought you were a myth like Hercules.” Sharpay said.

Jeffrey: That’s a real nice comparison.

“Is everyone capable of sarcasm except me?”

*workers rush in wearing protective suits*

Wait…why is the DRD here?

Worker: We’re not from the DRD. We’re from the Anti Joke Brigade™. We come when there’s a useless line that is so bad it’s funny.

Huh. Alright.

Santa laughed. “No, I’m real like you are.” He then handed Sharpay a present. She opened it to reveal a charm necklace. She loved it.

Author…show, don’t tell.

Jeffrey: Ah, yes. The oldest complaint in the book.

She hugged Santa, and said a tearful goodbye, as it was dinnertime for Santa and Carol. The next night was his delivery night, so he had to rest up as best he could.

THE END!

Jeffrey and Hiraani: *applauds* Yay, it’s over!

Not quite, my friends. We’ve still got a bit left.

Jeffrey: Son of a bitch!

AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

Jeffrey and Hiraani: *applauds* Yay, it’s over!

Not quite, my friends. We’ve still got a bit left.

Jeffrey: Jesus fucking Christ!

REVIEW OR SANTA WON’T BRING YOU A PRESENT!

Jeffrey and Hiraani: *looks at Angie with anticipation*

*sighs* Go ahead.

Jeffrey and Hiraani: *applauds* Yay, it’s over!

And with that, ladies and gents, have a lovely Christmas, and as always, I will see you next time. Ta!

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72 Comments on “1633: The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t”

  1. "Lyle" says:

    “Hey, you actually decorated this school,” Charlie said. He was beginning to like this principal more and more.

    “Yes, and why wouldn’t I?”

    Because you’re the principal of a public high school in a state where less than 51% of the population follows a Christian religion?

    Why do I get a “My beliefs are the best” vibe from this author?

  2. "Lyle" says:

    Wait, wait, wait…. Did this author seriously skip the entire part where Santa explains that Sharpay could ruin Christmas for 557,000 people? (Including that 50% that aren’t Christian because secularism.) That’s the entire plot of the story and the author just sort of leaves that information out. Holy cowbells.

  3. "Lyle" says:

    “Santa? I thought you were a myth like Hercules.” Sharpay said.

    *snort-giggle*

  4. "Lyle" says:

    When she left, she felt very good inside now that she had done a good deed.

    Yes. One good deed will undo years of being a right royal dickface. All those other things she did? Totally forgiven because she sang for less than 15 minutes to a group of children.

    Not only that, but she only sang to the mobile children. She didn’t bother going to see the ones who were bedridden or couldn’t be moved because they’re hooked up to too many machines. Those one’s didn’t matter. Just the mobile ones were good enough to redeem her.

    *eyeroll*

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Move along, move along, nothing to see here…

  6. Delta XIII says:

    “Kind of redundant, though, if you ask me.”

    *ALARMS BLARE*

    Already? We just started the riff!

    “…sorry.”

    I’ll take care of this.

    Fa-la-la-la-FINAL FLASH!

  7. Delta XIII says:

    Radical.

    Jeffrey: Nice.

    “Alright!”

  8. Delta XIII says:

    How about…I Fucking Love Christmas by Doug Walker…The 12 Days of Christmas Story 2…and uh…uh….

    What about Jingle Bombs?

  9. Leider Hosen says:

    And I suppose I’ll deliver the rest of the presents as the comments roll in.

    Abrelepine, wearing a flashy Christmas sweater: Oh, how thoughtful of you! I don’t think you have quite enough presents for all of us dear, but you’re welcome to the Hot Cocoa, me and Dietrich made it ourselves! *Raises a steamy mug*

    Hosen: I still can’t fucking believe you got the entire Nira’s Corps. here for your Christmas Party, and by bus no less… almost as much as I can’t believe you racked up a quadruple digit death toll on your “Christmas Shopping” yesterday.

    Dietrich Peace, the Good Doctor: To be fair, it’s not our fault the festivities were met with resistance.

    Hosen: Yeah, people tend to get a little jumpy when a literal army of Blood-Red clad, insane Black Mages start snagging everything shiny in sight.

    Abrelepine:Their loss. I had to do something for Christmas since you completely forgot to write in the festivities for the Riff. This really is your fault.

    Hosen: For the thousandth time if I knew the Riff was on Christmas Eve I would have scheduled you a party for then. I couldn’t really phone it in last minute, and that shit was written in November!

    Abrelepine: It’s fine darling, I handled that.I think <3 Here, have some Christmas cocoa!

    • Angie says:

      *stretches fingers* Right, here we go.

      For Abrelepine, sparkly bunny slippers to go along with the sweater.

      For Lieder Hosen…I’ll be honest, I had no idea what to get you so I just got you a liederhosen.

      Dietrich…*searches in purse and pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of wallet* Here’s twenty bucks.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Abrelepine: Awwwww I love them! Here’s some hot cocoa in a cat mug. I only got three dozen but I can spare this one.

        Hosen: Thanks for the change of pants, maybe not I can be slightly less formless.

        Dietrich: Your company is sufficient, but this gesture pleases me greatly! How rude of me not to prepare my own gift. Fortunately, this is a problem science can solve! -A few minutes of scienceing later- I’m a little strapped for time, but here’s a cherry-flavored brew that will place you in a twelve-hour dreamstate and guarantee a restful night’s sleep. Oh, and I suppose I can spare one of my old records.

        Hosen: What did I tell you about randomly giving people drugs?

        Dietrich: Pah! I’m insulted you would call my alchemy something so derogatory as “drugs”, they’re all perfectly safe. However, I shall let your insult go this time. Tis’ a time for friendship and peace afterall.

      • Angie says:

        *sets Dietrich’s concoction on Angie’s desk, drinks hot cocoa* Maybe Ill save the cherry cocktail for later, hon.

        *Hiraani grabs glass and sits next to tree*

        Hiraani: Hey, what’re we talking about?

  10. Leider Hosen says:

    “There is something terribly wrong with my naughty and nice list, and I was wondering if you’d help me?” Santa asked cautiously.

    Sharpay’s evil is so immense, it’s creating a disturbance in the Christmas Spirit all over the world!

    “It’s a city in New Mexico called Albuquerque. Uh…specifically one person, I should say.”

    Great. I love it when my sarcasm comes true one line later.

    Abrelepine: A disturbance in the Christmas Spirit great enough to endanger an entire state? And the Naughty/Nice list itself? Truly, this highschool girl is pure evil.

    Meru: *sobs* She’s only insecure and lonely.

    Hosen: Please monitor yourselves, it’s getting really crowded in here and only Abrelepine has been properly introduced. It’s going to get really confusing if all of you randomly jump in.

    Abrelepine: Oh, don’t be like that! It’s Christmas Day, I can’t just leave my companions to the wayside.

    • Angie says:

      *hands Meru a Twix bar and some Kleenex’s* That should hold you over.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Meru: *sobs harder, wipes her eyes with the Kleenex* Thank you for your kindness. I have only have my skills to offer, so I’ll grant you a therapy session of mine.

        Hosen:*whispering* She suffers from magic-induced clinical depression, I’m sure she’s happy for the gift even if she doesn’t show it… also you should probably skip the “therapy” since her definition of “therapy” is… it’s a little different from the norm, even though she means well. Why did I make 3/4 of my old OCs evil?

      • Angie says:

        *whispers* Oh, dear. I could take care of her. Hiraani and her could hang out.

        Hiraani: *loudly* I heard my name!

      • Leider Hosen says:

        I’m sure she’d enjoy the company. Her only real friends are Dietrich and Abrelepine, and they haven’t had screentime together in awhile since Dietrich is back in my OU and Abrelepine is tied up right now.

        She’s actually really friendly and loves a good conversation… so long as you don’t mind her using mind control to manipulate your emotions, draw out your innermost subconscious issues and “remedy” them, then seduce you in the heat of the moment for some rousing sexual healing. Also, when you question her morality… she has a nasty habit of freaking the fuck out and slicing heads off with a giant scythe.

        Her empathy is cranked up to an absolutely ludicrous degree due to the nature of her powers, which makes her a little loose in the head.

        Aside from those minor tics, she’s pretty passive and gentle compared to the other villains.

      • Angie says:

        Hiraani has her own email, if ever y’all wanna chat. She’s super friendly.

      • hiraanipupblog says:

        What did I say about giving my email to our coworkers?

      • Angie says:

        …it’s okay if your intentions are good?

      • Hiraani says:

        Just stop talking.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Meru: Is something wrong? I heard people arguing and wondered if I could help.

        Hosen: Uh….Nope. Everything is completely fine here. I think I heard Abrelepine ask for you.

        Meru: *sulking* Okay.

      • Hiraani says:

        Aw, sweetheart. *softly hugs Meru* It’s okay. It’s alright.

      • Hiraani says:

        *gives Meru a Teddy Graham* I hope you like these. They’re the only things I could find in Angie’s minifridge. (Other than Moloko Plus)

        (And candy cigarettes.)

  11. Leider Hosen says:

    And fucking up holidays is her game!

    Jeffrey: *ba dum tss*

    *BLARING ALARMS BLARE*

    But nobody said anything redundant!

    “That’s the Anti Joke Brigade.”

    So we have a Department of Redundancy, a Department of Contradictions, a Department of Recursion, and now an Anti-Joke Division?

    Abrelepine: This agency is more convoluted and bloated than the National Government.

    Hosen: Oh please… the IRS wishes it could deploy agents instantly to any location and have an inexhaustible supply of manpower and weaponry. It does make me wonder what Agency all these friggin’ divisions belong to.

  12. BatJamags says:

    Topic: The Santa Clause/High School Musical

    Well, my Christmas was awesome.

    Happy holidays, everyone.

  13. BatJamags says:

    The Calvin twins, aka Calvin Cavalry, must attempt to make Sharpay good, or there is to be no Christmas in Albuquerque!

    That’s not remotely how the naughty list works. You get coal in your stocking and all the goody two-shoes kids get hooked up. Then you get jealous and act out, further cementing your naughty list cred.

    GoodJamags: I take it you know this from personal experience?

    *Defensively* Of course not.

    • Angie says:

      *gives GoodJamags a notebook* Mark a tally every time you win an argument.

      • BatJamags says:

        GoodJamags: So, if he gives up and attacks me, and I kill him, does that count as winning?

        That’s only happened a couple times…

        GoodJamags: How many is “a couple?”

        Just, like, ninety or something…

      • Angie says:

        Yes dear, that counts.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      Like I said, the Christmas Spirit is an analogue to the Force in this universe! If you’re cartoonishly evil enough, you will totally cause a big enough disturbance to have Christmas cancelled and gain full Grinch* status!

      *Grinch = Sith. Red Lightsaber and use of Force Lightning not included. Consult your local raptor for further details.

      • BatJamags says:

        Yes… join the dark side, we have Christmas Cookies.

        Because we didn’t bother putting them out for Santa.

        GoodJamags: You fiends!

  14. BatJamags says:

    FLASHBACK:

    This would’ve made Memento so much easier to watch.

  15. BatJamags says:

    “It’s a city in New Mexico called Albuquerque.

    I should’ve taken a left turn there.

    • BatJamags says:

      “We have to move to Albuquerque

      And this is why I couldn’t live in Albuquerque: I might eventually get tired of making these jokes.

  16. BatJamags says:

    What luck! Seriously, there’s so much ex machina in here, it’s astounding.

    It’s not a deus ex machina, it’s a Christmas miracle!

    • Leider Hosen says:

      Christmas Miracles are exempt from being Deus Ex Machina.

      Christmas is just that fucking awesome all the wrongs are righted and peace and joy prevail, no exceptions.

      If you say otherwise, I will smack you with a Chair, and you know my proficiency with furniture…

    • BatJamags says:

      “Just another deus ex machina.”

      Jeffrey: This fic is full of Christmas miracles.

      I called it.

      I mean, did I call it or did I call it?

      Here’s a hint: it’s neither. I totally called it.

  17. Leider Hosen says:

    Why is everyone in this fic acting so oblivious to everything that’s going on?

    Because it’s a badfic, and badfics suffer from a terminal case of Stupid.

    Abrelepine: *snerk* What do our esteemed intellects say about this outbreak of Stupid?

    Dietrich Peace: For this much Stupid to proliferate at this pace, I believe we may be dealing with an airborne pathogen that destroys braincells in logic centers of the brain, and is transmitted through the writing of FanFiction.

    Meru: It’s a subconscious meme stemming from feelings of *sob* inadequacy, and is the natural outcome of the desire to see evil redeemed without the confidence to write a serious work.

    Fyora: *holding up a mangled mass of paper excitedly* I made a snowflake!

    Abrelepine: Yes honey, and a lovely snowflake it is.

  18. Leider Hosen says:

    Uggggg I don’t think I can finish the Riff. This fic is just so unrelentingly boring and contrived and generally devoid of content, despite being long asf, it’s really hard to slog through. I mean, it’s not like the premise itself is terribly interesting anyway.

    Honestly, the comment section is more interesting than the fic itself!

    But, from the half I saw, great Riff, Happy Christmas, and may next year bring with it more lolz and madness!

    • Angie says:

      Oh, me and Hiraani have plans to make 2017 the best year yet.

      Hiraani: You can expect Scarlet, I’m Pregnant Draco, and some stuff we found from Archive of Our Own.

      We’re branching out.

      Hiraani: You can thank me for all the bad fics.

      Yeah, yeah.

  19. BatJamags says:

    END OF FLASHBACK.

    So, the flashback is formatted in italics, but you feel that you need to tell us when it starts and ends. Why do authors even begin to think these amateur writing tactics are necessary and/or useful?

  20. BatJamags says:

    He asked a question only Louisa could answer positively for her and Charlie: “Do either of you two know anybody here at East High?”

    “I might,” Louisa answered.

    “How much is this information worth to you?”

  21. BatJamags says:

    “Ryan Evans. Does he go to school here with a sister named Sharpay Evans?” Louisa asked.

    I know it’s probably a legit thing from High School Musical, but if I have to read the name “Sharpay” one more time, I might actually stab my eyes out. It sounds like an exaggeratedly pretentious pronunciation (perhaps even a preposterously pretentious pronunciation) of “Sharpie.”

    “I will write my NAHME on this COOUUP with a SHARPAY, so that people know it’s MAYHNE.

  22. BatJamags says:

    “Are you implying these kids are prodigies?”

    I’m going with no. No, they’re not.

  23. BatJamags says:

    the cafeteria, and the front vestibule where a Christmas tree and a few other decorations sat.

    There’s going to be so much triggering caused by this.

    So. Much.

  24. BatJamags says:

    “Ryan?” the principal asked.

    It’s a male name, but that’s not important right now.

  25. BatJamags says:

    Jeffrey: You just kinda randomly fell asleep and didn’t wake up.

    And appeared in a spawn point for reasons entirely unrelated to this.

  26. BatJamags says:

    “Hey, Sharpay, I have a question…according to Ryan, you’re always a bad girl. Why can’t you be good for once?” Louisa said bluntly.

    Definitely not prodigies.

  27. BatJamags says:

    The majority of her stories contain a character named Louisa, and her name is Louise.

    Clever. That’s like if I had a character named Jamags.

    Jamags: Are you intentionally being hypocritical, or are you just too simple-minded to understand your own thought processes?

    Shush, you! I’m not using you yet! Go away!

    Then again, Jamags isn’t my real name. On the other hand, it is, in a rather distant sense, derived from my real name.

    Basically, that guy’s a really long story that I don’t have time for, but he’s not really comparable to the Louisas for a variety of reasons.

  28. BatJamags says:

    Ryan never told anyone, even Sharpay, but he still believed in Santa.

  29. BatJamags says:

    “Louisa, that’s not hogwash.

    This, on the other hand, is.

    Well, alright, it’s Hogwarts, but that’s close enough.

  30. BatJamags says:

    “Wait. Why would he hate you? Aren’t you online friends? What guy would be like ‘Louisa, you’re my best friend. Oh wait, your dad is Santa? Nope. That’s where I draw the line.’”

    I don’t know, maybe Ryan’s the Grinch?

  31. BatJamags says:

    “Is Louisa an angel?”

  32. BatJamags says:

    Santa Claus

    That’s the Santa Claus to you.

  33. TacoMagic says:

    Jeffrey: Maybe build a rocket?

    Or fight a mummy?

    “Or climb up the Eiffel tower?”


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