1632: The Savior – Chapters Four and Five

Title: The Savior
Author:
bubbersgod
Media: 
Video Game
Topic:
 Dark Souls
Genre:
Romance/Adventure
URL:
Chapter Four
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

!!Warning!! As the dark prophesies foretold, there is poorly written sexy sex in this chapter. No rape triggers this time thankfully but if you’re squicked out by poorly written sex you may want to skip the majority of this Riff, as we got ourselves an entire chapter dedicated to it.

-Dark ariettas fill the riffing chamber as another guest, a tall man with deathly pale skin and black eyes, strides through the door. Several faint chimes and bells foretell looming danger as he skulks across the room and takes a large seat to the right of Leider Hosen. After a few moments, he looks over his shoulder at a Pontiff Knight waving a boombox, Pontiff Sulyvahn’s boss theme blaring from the speakers. The well-meaning underling takes the hint and sulks out the door.-

Glad you could join us, Sulyvahn!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: You address me in such a familiar manner, though I suppose it’s only fitting considering this iteration of me was created by you. Excuse my late entry, Leider Hosen realized after the last riff went terribly awry that he and Abrelepine’s tendency to lose their temper and destroy things lined up entirely too well. I am here to keep the peace, as well as lend my knowledge of sorcery.

Abrelepine: So, you’re the other Villain Protagonist my creator attempted?

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Yes. I am much like you, only significantly more mentally stable. More blinded by my ambition to see the world reformed into a more peaceful state and less desire to kill indiscriminately.

For those who have not played Dark Souls 3, Pontiff Sulyvahn is a denizen of the Painted World that was freed by Dark Sun Gwyndolin, Gwyn’s lastborn son. He found himself in Anor Londo in the distant future, which had an entire civilization built at its feet by this time period. After becoming a sorcerer and going on a journey of discovery, he found the remnants of Eleum Loyce and the Chaos Flame beneath the tundra, and launched several very… dubious experiments on the nature of Dark. Gwyndolin tried to get him to stop since he was on the verge of discovering all the gods’ dirty secrets, and long story short Gwyndolin’s attempt to contain Sulyvahn backfired horribly. Sulyvahn may also have ties to Velka and the occult, but that’s another story entirely. Aldrich is technically the big bad, but Sulyvahn is the Dragon in Chief, and probably the greatest threat to the First Flame besides the Abyss itself.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: That is still a bit of a simplification, but that is all the audience needs to know. Now, I am well versed in the history of our world, so I shouldn’t need to be informed on that. What of the plot?

You missed nothing, trust me.

He woke on a large red bed in the small room he met the pale sister.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I’d like to know what Chaos Demon requires a bed to sleep on in the first place, and if they acquired it before they turned, how is it not ruined by now considering they excrete magma from their skin?

+Tired of having coitus on rocks and piles of cinder? Are Sexy Times just not sexy enough when the moment strikes? Than what you need is PCC brand Sexy Red Beds! Neither the passage of thousands of years nor the powers of the Chaos Flame can deny you the softest, coziest romancing experience anywhere, anytime, satisfaction guaranteed!+

Pontiff Sulyvahn: What in blazes-

Oh, it’s just a PCC infomercial, those come up from time to time.

He felt fine, but his hands lost feeling now on account of the intense burns on them sticking the flesh to his gauntlets. He could still move his fingers fine but could not feel it.

Abrelepine: *snerk* No darling, no. I have a catalogue of every pain conceivable in my mind. If your arms were burned so heavily the gauntlets are now affixed to them, you should be dead. If you did survive, then your arms should be completely incapacitated as all the nerves have been scorched. Let’s see you “feel fine” after a few days of constant agony and the gangrene sets in.

He sighed not seeing either sister. He did’t really expect them to fulfill their part of the promise so he was getting ready to stand but small soft hands grabbed his shoulders from behind and pulled him to his back. He saw Quaalag nude in front of him.

Suddenly and from the front, Quelaag!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Our protagonist is blisteringly unobservant.

Abrelepine: What he’s trying to say is that Quelaag pulled him back from behind and leaned over him. Savior Stu is now facing the ceiling on his back, in which case Quelaag would be above him or over him.

She climbed him and worked around so she was on his waist.

Abrelepine: That’s not a climb darling, that’s a straddle. You cannot climb someone who is currently on their back.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I cannot comprehend how these characters are moving, this prose is so sparse and unhelpful they could be suspended by telekinesis and I wouldn’t know it.

But they are! -Holds a Savior doll in one hand and a Quelaag doll in the other and mashes them together several times-

He blushed only just noticing he was naked. His dick grew hard immediately. It was huge. It was nine inches long and thick with pulsing veins on it. The sister felt it rise sliding along her ass crack. She turned to get a look at it, as she was still a virgin like her sister, she had never seen one.

Suddenly and from behind, Hentai anatomy!

Abrelepine: The daughter of one of the most powerful entities in the universe has never seen a penis before and is a virgin? Oh, I doubt that.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Not everyone feels compelled to fornicate. Chaos Demons reproduce asexually via spontaneous generation from the Chaos Flame. She may have laid numerous eggs but there was likely no intercourse involved.

I think I made you a little too serious.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: For once I just want an accurate representation of Demon physiology, they are very complex creatures!

He grabbed her and pushed her while she wasn’t paying attention and sat on her waist instead. She was scared looking, staring right at his cock, which bobbed in the air before her. She gulped not saying a word. He put his tip at her entrance and plunge balls deep as quick as he could. She screamed out in pain an tears ran down her cheek. He kept moving but now not near as deep. She wept a little in pain but he shushed and rubbed her back to a better state of mind.

Abrelepine: Unless the woman consents to sadomasochism beforehand, you are doing it wrong if she is crying out in pain you idiot! This is basic knowledge for warlocks. Or those with super strength or magic powers in general.

He whispered sweet nothings in her ear and continued gently swaying slowly in and out of entrance. Soon the pain was a blur in comparison to his sweet and loving caress. her silent weeps turned into short gasps and words of encouragement. He cupped a breast in his left hand and kneaded it gently. Her nipples grew hard as he continued his loving thrusts that now grew faster and deeper by her demand. She was moaning “Savior!” and, “YES!” and every now and then she would run her hands through his soft messy hair or down his sweaty muscles that where rock hard to the touch,

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Truly a worthy piece of erotic fiction.

Abrelepine: The only tears here are those of boredom. Sometimes you have to settle for vanilla sex but this is fictitious so use your imagination!

Don’t you love it when people write sex scenes with a checklist?

“Sweet nothings” (WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS)? Check. Loving caress? Check. Gasps and encouragement? Check. Hard nipples and boob fondling? Check.

It’s all shit I’ve seen before ad nauseum, with a pathetic level of description at that. I cannot wait for this to be over because even mocking it is just a massive chore.

and shown some gruesome scars as proof of his triumphs and trials. He felt her clench and her legs wrapped around him Pulling him to her core. Her eyes rolled back and her back arched as her hips helplessly rocked in orgasm. He couldn’t take seeing this for long, and soon he to was in a world of bliss. He exploded in her, painting her insides and spurting globs of thick white paste on the soft bed they have been working on this whole time.

…Eh, I was going to try and make a snarky comment but honestly I can’t be assed.

The two finally separated and the Savior kissed her on the lips before she left to let her sister know it was her turn. She got up in pain from the actions that just took place and got a thin short dress on to go get her sister.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I’m sorry to tell you this, but semen can replicate within the scrotum only so fast. But we all know logic doesn’t apply here, don’t we? Also, I hope you don’t mind getting that dress covered with ejaculate since you clearly didn’t wash up after fornicating.

I love how he treats it like a fucking conveyor belt. “Had sex with Quelaag, okay, next!”

At the entrance of the room a tear ran down her cheek. She looked back at him. He was badly burned by his casting of Savior magic. This magic would surely kill him some day but still he doesn’t seem to mind. Even though his demand was selfish in nature. she couldn’t help but feel like it was another favor on his part, as she quite enjoyed his embrace.

FUCK YOU! No, really. Go fuck yourself. You do not get to say “well she enjoyed it so that makes this okay!” it’s exactly this bullshit that gives our entire gender a bad name. Also, I would be infinitely more impressed with the “Savior” being injured as the consequence of his power if the injury meant a goddamn!

Abrelepine: Even with my hyper-regen, when the fatigue of using my power catches up I have to flee the battle. Attempting to fight past my limits is suicidal due to their nature. More than once my soul magic has become unstable and threatened my life, and indeed caused physical damage. So tell me Savior Stu, if you have taken so much damage and been so hurt, how are you having sex without wailing in agony? How are you even conscious without a few weeks to recover, after what you pulled last chapter?

Saying “My Stu is injured!” is moot if that injury doesn’t come into play. You’re trying to garner sympathy for a completely unsympathetic asshole since there is literally nothing to like about him. Saying he is in pain, but showing him doing actions the pain should inhibit him from doing is an excellent waste of text!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: And that’s to say nothing of the assumption that when a man strains for a woman, that woman is obligated to fornicate with him. Were this a good story, you could possibly have him critically wounded and nursed back to health by the sisters over a period of time. He would grow closer to them, maybe even adopt them as companions, then intimacy would be unlikely but at least believable.

Sulyvahn, you are entirely too smart to understand badfic! That would make the woman equal to the man in reciprocating affections, and enable them to aid the Stu in his time of injury. Woman stupid. “man take care of vulnerable woman” good, “woman take care of vulnerable man” incomprehensible.

Abrelepine: And people call me a savage.

She turned to leave with another tear rung down the same cheek. She whispered to herself, “I love you, my savior. Please don’t hurt my sister, she is not strong as I am.”

CONTRACT SIPHELIS!

She met with her pale sister, now a little more color had returned upon her healing but she had always been naturally pale. She was blushing crazy from what she had heard. She opened her mouth in curiosity and almost asked a question, but her sister answered knowing what she might have asked, “It is not going to be bad sister, he is our Savior. You must do your part now, don’t worry he is gentle.”

I don’t fucking even anymore.

Abrelepine: *laughing hysterically* The author just goes on and on the same tract of how woman exist to suck “The Saviors” dick because he is “trajik”. Maybe I just have some partiality considering I’m female half the time, but it’s funny seeing these two botched this badly.

I may have made you a sexually aggressive sadistic narcissist, but I always made sure you were shown as being in the wrong, and that your fixation on Ro was not endearing but really fucking creepy. And I know you believe you are justified and morality doesn’t exist, I did create you.

Abrelepine: And for that I’m grateful, darling <3

She got up and removed her new pure white bonfire maiden robes and entered the room. He was sitting looking at the floor breathing hard. He looked terrible. Aside from his alluring figure his skin had bad fresh burn scab’s on it under his arms and his gauntlets where the only thing he wore.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: How many times must he reference his nonexistent injury, what is this, the third time the author has insisted Savior Stu has been burned? There are Lords of Cinder described with less burns than this toddler.

Abrelepine: Could you say that description is redundant?

Nice try, the descriptions are in different lines and paragraphs, with a few in the last chapter. You got away with it last time but I can’t let you have too much fun.

They must have burned to his hands from the Savior’s casting. She covered her mouth and her eyes squinted as she let a tear of pity run out for him as she had for the citizens infested with blight pus.

Okay, I’m going to let this one slide. One of her servants says she wept for Blighttown and healed them at the cost of her health, so while Savior Stu has done nothing to earn it, I can believe Quelaan would offer compassion because she is a benevolent character who has made real sacrifices.

*HINT* *HINT*

He turned and saw her. She seemed to regret letting him do this. He could tell she didn’t like seeing him in this state. He got up and walked to her. She still cried for him as he approached. He grabbed her chin and pulled her in for a kiss. She closed her eyes and let him do as he pleased. His kiss was sweat and loving, no way could another man make her feel this way.

I don’t know whether to be bored by the repetition or pissed off that of course Quelaan is a fragile little maiden that’s going to let the big strong Stu have his way. Because we all know woman are totally passive when it comes to sex and just go along with whatever.

Abrelepine: But Quelaag was clearly the initiator earlier, so at least the author is attempting to differentiate between the two’s preferred method of fucking. Quelaag is seen as more dominant because she is a boss monster while Quelaan is naturally more giving, so at least the author is attempting to keep them in character in that regard.

Holy shit, you’re right! It’s still sexist but I guess this is the one thing the author actually put a semblance of thought into.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Naturally.

No other man would go this far to lay with two maidens, surely he just didn’t want them thinking he was doing a selfless act so they would worry about him on his travels. She knew it. He was the Savior. And she would fulfill her promise.

He lifted her, not breaking the kiss. She was more slender and petite than her sister was. She still curved and bulged in the right places, but she was more fragile and soft.

The Daughter of the Witch of Izalith everyone! One of the strongest and most benevolent entities in the game, and the only adjectives she gets are “fragile”, “soft”, “petite”, and “with bountiful tits and ass”! I won’t ding the counter over it but this is still a low fucking blow to fanatics of the series like me.

He placed her gently on the bed and spread her legs apart. Her tiny opening was a little wet from his embrace, but her eyes where clamped shut like she was preparing for a hard blow. He slid in her slowly, being careful not to hurt her fragile little parts.

Stop using that fucking word, not all of us get hot and bothered thinking about woman as helpless, weak, and tiny! You asshole.

He only went about half way in but still he was to thick and it hurt her enough to earn cringes. He whispered sweet nothings in her ear and let her know nothing bad would happen. His words were calming and soon she noticed a warmth replacing the slight pain.

Abrelepine: The warmth you refer to is blood. You need to go to an apothecary if the pain persists.

Without knowing she pulled him into her deeper making her moan out loud and long in ecstasy. He kissed her and held her upper back up a little with his right arm while he continued to rock in and out of her gently. She was panting and chanting the word yes and Savior over and over.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Apparently she was so weak, her cliché chanting of his name didn’t get the honor of quoted dialogue. Instead we are merely told about it.

How you can show even less and tell even more within the same chapter is profoundly impressive.

He enjoyed her pleasure so much, and even though he couldn’t fit all of his member in her she was hotter and tighter than her sister, witch more than compensated. She began to quiver and her heels dug into the sheets as she tightened around him. She squirmed a little and her eyes rolled back as her mouth shot open without a sound. She was having a pretty hard orgasm. It hurt her poor tiny body but at the same time nothing had ever felt so good.

Okay, fuckhead. Here’s a reminder since you’ve clearly forgotten who this is:

dark-souls-izalith-witch

See that in the background? That’s the whole fucking planet burning to the ground.

You know why? The “fragile girl”, her mom, and her sisters weaved apocalyptic firestorms and set it ablaze! They are a huge reason why the dragons are fucking extinct. She is one-eighth responsible for turning Ash Lake too ashes! Her kingdom was also powerful enough to defy Lord Gwyn’s armies and beat them.

Show some fucking respect.

Not My Dark Souls: 15

He came in her making her yell out in more pleasure from the feeling of his thick hot sperm filling her to the limit. He panted laying next to her for a few minutes. She hugged him and began to drift off to sleep. Before falling asleep she whispered in his ear, “Thank you so much, that was amazing. I love you my Savior.”

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I hope you bear host to only the most wretched Chaos Parasite.

He couldn’t help but weep. He was ashamed in himself for making them do this. He should have just left and let them be but he wanted it so bad. He sucked it up and left without warning, heading back to the blacksmith Andre and the bonfire near him to rest.

Aww, now he feels all bad and stuff. That totally makes him a three dimensional character. If you feel so fucking guilty because you knew it was fucking despicable why did you do it anyway shit for brains!

 Abrelepine: What I have done while not in my right mind will haunt me forever, that is why I don’t bother feeling confliction nowadays. If I am abhorrent, it is because I chose to, of my own free will. You already got quick, boring sex with two virgins out of the exchange, so you may as well have a bounce in your step for the next two days and not care what people think about it.

And thus ends the first “sexy” chapter of this dogshit. And wow, I knew it was bad before but now that I’m out of my Edgelord phase and have an education, I can see just how fucking bad this is.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Perhaps we should retire for now?

No, I looked ahead and it turns out that the next “Chapter”, if you can call 312 words and two paragraphs a chapter, is very short and nowhere near as outrageously offensive, so let’s knock that out real quick so we have something nice to think on when we hit the Brain Bleach.

The Savior got up ready to head in to Sen’s Fortress. He could go to the woods but that could wait. This place was full of deadly serpent men, casting and sword wielding alike. Traps where not a rarity here either.

nicholas-cage-you-dont-say

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I once happened upon a schematic of Sen’s Fortress. Brilliant piece of early Fire Age engineering, a perfect combination of architectural genius and mechanical engineering. Everything was designed to be fatal. Mimics in the treasure room, boulders rolling down the stairs, even the elevator was outfitted with spikes to impale any who attempted to ride it. The results spoke for themselves.

Took me hours to get to the top on my first playthrough, when I was a souls virgin. Namely because the fucking bonfire requires you to take a leap of faith or be extremely observant while bombs are exploding all around you. With every death I was sent all the way to the bottom. Every. Single. Time.

In-Universe, dozens of the world’s greatest warriors tried to take on the fortress to get into Anor Londo and unravel the fate of the undead. After 100 years all but one failed, and even then, while he made it further than anyone else, he still fell in battle. Literally.

This warrior, Black Iron Tarkus, was arguably the physically strongest human to ever live, the mightiest man amongst the knights of Berenike. He wore extremely heavy black iron armor, and carried a giant tower shield in one hand and a greatsword that could make Guts shed a tear of pride in the other. He smashed his way into the city of gods undaunted… then was shoved off a narrow rafter and fell to his death.

Abrelepine: Such a sad ending for such a strong hero.But he left his sign behind so his soul could live on and aide those in need. 9/10 runs, he will annihilate everything in his path, including the boss! He can even flip the fucker off the ledge and send him plunging to his death under the right circumstances.

dark_souls___iron_fall_by_keilink-d83yhxo

Yes, he is knocking a 400 ton giant off his feet. No, he does not in appear in this fic

 

But enough about all this dumb Dark Souls stuff, let’s see how the Savior tackles it.

Pendulums swung and plates triggered knife traps. There was even a pesky boulder spewing machine that tested his memory and timing, but he succeeded.

He’ll get through it in one sentence, without a mention of 4/5 of the Fortress’ many dangers. Oh, and it was a “pesky” boulder spewer? U ‘avn a good chuckle there, u cheeky Cunt?

On the roof he found the guardian of this fortress. A massive iron man with a powerful swing that sent air waves capable of knocking a grown ogre in Lite (Blight) town on his ass.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I find myself overwhelmed by the picture of immensity and strength you have painted for me. I can perceive the Iron Golem so vividly it’s as though he’s right in front of me.

He cast a few heavy necromancer bolts but this would not help for long.

Abrelepine: Well look at that Sully, the fight is taking more than one sentence, so the golem must be very formidable. Perhaps it will take a full three sentences, gods forbid a paragraph. Though to be fair if I were the one fighting, I would be on my way within a few sentences as well, though I usually try not to end things too quickly because where’s the fun in killing with one swoop? I imagine it would be infinitely more amusing to read than this trite.

Soon he had to pull out his trusty sword, its name was Fate, a blade improved upon using the gauntlets. It sliced through the giant’s steel like butter and the massive beast fell to its demise leaving behind many souls and even an interesting core.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: My apologies, but it appears you overestimated the competence of our champion.

And of course his mighty Sword of Pretentious Name (do not steal) was able to effortlessly cut through the golem and kill him. Not even merely cut it, but slice through it effortlessly because he ain’t no pussy yo!

Abrelepine: This is the first time he’s drawn his sword in the entirety of this fiction. He was said to have a sword at the very start, but I honestly forgot he had it. If he did draw it, it was never mentioned and no other “battle” detailed what his weapon of choice was, so I’ll assume he’s merely been using his sorcery the entire time, that or punching his enemies to death. Either is likely, I use my own sword as decoration more often than not.

I honestly forgot he had a sword too. Come to think of it the only thing we know about his sword is its name and that it’s likely a katana. Sneaking suspicion.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: And what in Chaos’ unholy name is that blade forged from to be able to pass through hardened iron supplemented by the bones of an ancient dragon so easily? If the Golem were so durable it could resist sorcery, than that blade must be many magnitudes sharper than a Soul Arrow has the power to pierce via heat and energy. I have forged an enchanted blade, two in fact:

http://h1fey.deviantart.com/art/pontiff-sulyvahn-605020957

The giant burning one on the left is the Profaned Greatsword, the smaller shining one is the Greatsword of Judgement (http://h1fey.deviantart.com/art/pontiff-sulyvahn-605020957)

These blades are forged from some of the most powerful magics the world has ever seen, and are composed of only the most powerful materials. I have become extraordinarily proficient in their use and know their strength. However, despite being the fruit of a lifetime of research and care, they are not infallible. While few exist, there are still heights greater than mine. So, explain to me how this little… little… How this insolent child can have a weapon that so effortlessly surpasses those heights?

Who knows? No explanation or backstory is ever given. It’s just better, though of course it was “improved” by the gloves so I guess we just have to assume the gauntlets have PCC patented Sword Bettering Powers. Somehow. So, I think I’m going to take this passage and put it in the drawer alongside the others, I have use for it.

Abrelepine: Oh, you’re saving up for something.

You know it baby.

Perhaps he would find a way to improve his gauntlets with it? Only time and effort would tell.

Whatever.

Before letting the flying beasts take him off he decided to go spend his souls and so he did. His gauntlets of the Savior now hummed silent inaudible words in a long forgotten tongue. This meant they where growing even stronger by the soul.

I said whatever!

Andre had no idea what to do with the Iron Giant’s core. So he wpuld have to save it for later. He headed back to fire link and found a peculiar beast whom called himself King seeker Frampt. He called the Savior the “Chosen” at first but then spotted his gauntlets. He corrected himself. “Oh you are not the undead, you are the Savior! By the heavens even I didn’t believe in that ancient prophecy!” Frampt told him to go to Anor Londo and seek the lord vessel. So he did.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: That was an enriching conversation that added a tremendous amount to our tale.

Yeah. Frampt may have been a dirty liar but even then, seeing his character pigeonholed so…gracelessly. it’s a shame. And wait a fucking minute! I just realized something, somehow he got from Blighttown all the way to Sen’s without passing by Firelink, so he never ran into Frampt, in fact… *rereads* OMFG He never went to Firelink to begin with! It was never, ever described or even mentioned!

Pontiff Sulyvahn: *snerk* I guess our hero was too busy running aimlessly to make sure he found all those “unimportant” things. Thankfully the guiding hand of the Author remembered he needed to speak to Frampt and had him return to Firelink to meet him. For some reason.

This is pathetic. This is truly, absolutely pathetic. Sentence long descriptions brushing over great swathes of the game, passing over countless locales and characters, and right at the foot of Anor Londo, the author goes “oh shit I need to include Frampt!” and grinds the entire “plot” to a halt and detours him when it’s obvious Savior Stu had no reason to go to Firelink other than plot.

Not My Dark Souls: 16

Well, now that I’m pretty sure I’ve stripped a few years off my lifespan, I guess we’ll call it here.

Vereor Nox patrons. Respectfully fear the dark, for the night is nowhere near over.

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23 Comments on “1632: The Savior – Chapters Four and Five”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Pontiff Sulyvahn: I’d like to know what Chaos Demon requires a bed to sleep on in the first place, and if they acquired it before they turned, how is it not ruined by now considering they excrete magma from their skin?

    That, and, you know, they’re spiders.

    Also, is it a gothic red bed?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    He blushed only just noticing he was naked. His dick grew hard immediately. It was huge. It was nine inches long and thick with pulsing veins on it. The sister felt it rise sliding along her ass crack. She turned to get a look at it, as she was still a virgin like her sister, she had never seen one.

    Suddenly and from behind, Hentai anatomy!

    Abrelepine: The daughter of one of the most powerful entities in the universe has never seen a penis before and is a virgin? Oh, I doubt that.

    Also, couldn’t she have studied it during the indeterminate amount of time he was naked and unconscious in her room?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    He grabbed her and pushed her while she wasn’t paying attention and sat on her waist instead.

    Umm… what? Ok, so I sort of get what the author was trying to go for here where he’s flipping her backwards and then leaning over her, but how are they supposed to actually have intercourse if he’s sitting on her midsection?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    She turned to leave with another tear rung down the same cheek.

    Must’ve been an oddly resonant tear, then.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    no way could another man make her feel this way.

    Methinks the narrative doth protest too much.

  6. She was panting and chanting the word yes and Savior over and over.

    That’s… kind of a weird spell?

    Should we, you know, stop it before it completes?

    • She began to quiver and her heels dug into the sheets as she tightened around him. She squirmed a little and her eyes rolled back as her mouth shot open without a sound. She was having a pretty hard orgasm. It hurt her poor tiny body but at the same time nothing had ever felt so good.

      Oh.

      Never mind, then.

  7. BatJamags says:

    Oh, it’s just a PCC infomercial, those come up from time to time.

    Tired of not having access to HIGH-QUALITY PRODUCTS for the LOWEST PRICES GUARANTEED? Sick of having to trudge all the way to the nearest PCC LOCATION to read through the PCC CATALOG? Then look no further than the PCC INFOMERCIAL SERIES! Now, you can hear about HIGH-QUALITY PRODUCTS anytime, anywhere, WHENEVER YOU NEED THEM!

    Call now!

    (When he says they “come up,” he means I’m usually responsible for them.)

  8. BatJamags says:

    But they are! -Holds a Savior doll in one hand and a Quelaag doll in the other and mashes them together several times-

    My word! How inappropriate! *monocle-popping ensues*

    *Not that kind of Monocle*

  9. BatJamags says:

    It was huge. It was nine inches long and thick with pulsing veins on it.

    I think we’ve just discovered a quantifiable measure of how insecure badfic authors are. Male ones, at least. One insecurity point for every inch.

    • parrish122 says:

      Very true. As soon as I read “It was huge.”, I just shook my head. Of course it’s huge. Very predictable. I’d have been more impressed if he’d had the guts to have his hero have a small penis. The women could’ve had a more believable reaction– something along the lines of,”Well, if I have to do this, at least he isn’t all that large.” But no. Of course he has a huge penis, and of course they love it despite being caused pain.

  10. BatJamags says:

    Abrelepine: Unless the woman consents to sadomasochism beforehand, you are doing it wrong if she is crying out in pain you idiot! This is basic knowledge for warlocks. Or those with super strength or magic powers in general.

    Or just about anybody, really. But hey, let’s not get in the way of the creepy power fantasy.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      I didn’t include it in the Riff because it happened long after it was finished, but me and FishSlayer (my ever trusty beta) went on an absolutely huge and in-depth analysis on how this entire situation is just… uncomfortable.

      Placing someone in a position where they have to have sex with you or they will be harmed in an immediate way, through action OR inaction (in this case Quelaan is dying and needs to be healed), is rape, even if the Stu didn’t physically overpower them. And the only real repercussion is “he feels bad.” bubbers also twists the characters around to make them act like it was completely consensual and fine so his Stu will still look good even though he raped two woman.

      It was a huge convo, but the sense of entitlement, the language he uses to describe the woman that appear in this story, and the author’s transparent attempts to apologize after the fact is infuriating and unsettling. The funny thing is, I only skim read this fic when I first saw it, so this really creepy, fetishistic undertone kinda Ninja’d it’s way under my radar until I gave it a serious analysis.

      Badfics have the loveliest ways of surprising you.

      And by lovely, I mean there are several points where I stop the Riff completely because I am so filled with genuine anger and disgust the only way that I can address it is as myself, because there’s only so much IRL fury you can convey while trying to stay in-character.

      • parrish122 says:

        Indeed. A good story could have a character do something bad, and over time realise how horrible it was. The changes this would make to his behavior and beliefs would be interesting. So of course we won’t get this with this story.

  11. BatJamags says:

    CONTRACT SIPHELIS!

    I was about to correct your spelling, but I can’t figure out how to spell it either.

  12. BatJamags says:

    A massive iron man

    He’s not that big.

  13. BatJamags says:

    This is pathetic. This is truly, absolutely pathetic. Sentence long descriptions brushing over great swathes of the game, passing over countless locales and characters, and right at the foot of Anor Londo, the author goes “oh shit I need to include Frampt!” and grinds the entire “plot” to a halt and detours him when it’s obvious Savior Stu had no reason to go to Firelink other than plot.

    My main experience with Dark Souls is via Let’s Play, but even I remember the first time I saw Firelink Shrine and the expanse surrounding it. I believe my exact words were “Holy shit, this game is fucking beautiful,” though I’m not certain I was that articulate about it.

    And this guy just kind of ignores it and shoves it in later as a footnote.

  14. Hiraani says:

    +Tired of having coitus on rocks and piles of cinder? Are Sexy Times just not sexy enough when the moment strikes? Than what you need is PCC brand Sexy Red Beds! Neither the passage of thousands of years nor the powers of the Chaos Flame can deny you the softest, coziest romancing experience anywhere, anytime, satisfaction guaranteed!+

    I…and then you…and then…I…pardon me???


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