1629: A Very Special Christmas – Chapters One and Two

Title: A Very Special Christmas
Author: Jasmin Kenobi
Media: Television / Movies / Whatever else you have.
Topic: Star Wars / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Adventure/Friendship
URL: A Very Special Christmas 
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

“Gleeful Sithmas season to you all, Patrons!  I hope none of you have been very good this year, since only the most vile among you will get a visit from Thanos tonight!”

Does that generally end well?

“That depends.  If you can best him in single combat, or if you lay enough traps, you can wrest the Infinity Gauntlet from him and be like unto a god for the rest of the holiday season.  Otherwise he lays waste to you and everything you hold dear.  Which is beneficial to the rest of us because it thins the herd a bit.”

Can you remind me why we all celebrate this holiday again?

“For those not at the top of the villainy pyramid, the season comes with a gift exchange and an all-you-can eat pie buffet.  Pie is one of those things that transcends the boundaries of good and evil.”

Right.  Heyo patrons, I hope you’re all having a good holiday-of-choice season!  As is tradition, I’ve asked Crunchy here to sit in and help out as our resident expert on Sithmas.

In order to get everyone in the holiday spirit, I planned to riff a Saturnalia fic for everyone.  Sadly, those are in short supply, so I had to sub in a Christmas fic instead as there are thousands of those to chose from.  This year, I found a little gem in the Star Wars cross-overs that ostensibly is a Star War / Star Trek 2009 crossover, but that classification doesn’t really capture everything that this fic is.  It’s a little on the long side for what I have time for, so we’ll be chopping it in half and making it a two-week special.

To give you a better idea of what you’re in for, I’ve decided to do things out of order here and start with the cast list that the author supplied with the fic.

Jasmin Kenobi- Jedi Knight, S.H.E.I.L.D. agent (female human/Betazoid hybrid)
T’Mir- Jedi Padawan (female human/Vulcan hybrid)
Fire Skirata- Mandalorian Jedi Padawan (female human)
Montgomery “Scotty” Scott- chief engineer, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
Pavel Chekov- navigator, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
James T. Kirk- captain, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
Spock- first officer, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human/Vulcan hybrid)
Nyota Uhura- chief communications officer, U.S.S. Enterprise (female human)
Anthony “Tony” Stark- CEO, Stark Industries (male human)
Virginia “Pepper” Potts- secretary, Stark Industries (female human)
Sarek- Federation Ambassador to the Republic (male Vulcan)
Ahsoka Tano- Jedi Padawan (female Togruta)
Amanda Kenobi- infant (female human/Betazoid/Romulan hybrid)
Owen Kenobi- infant (male human/Betazoid/Romulan hybrid)
Obi-Wan Kenobi- Jedi Master (male human, with some Betazoid)
Anakin Skywalker- Jedi Knight (male human)
Hikaru Sulu- pilot, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
Leonard “Bones” McCoy- Chief Medical Officer, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
Jesse- clone captain (male human)
Rex- clone captain (male human)
Padmé Amidala- Senator from Naboo (female human)
Joanna McCoy- child (female human)

There are no words.  There’s so much wrong here that I just can’t.

“Allow me to nitpick the the first thing I saw.”

By all means.

“Fire Skirata, aside from being a horrible name, is listed as a ‘Mandalorian Jedi Padawan.’  However, the Jedi splinter group who adopted the Mandalorian way called themselves Mandalorian Knights because they wanted to disassociate themselves from the Jedi.  There is no such thing as a ‘Mandalorian Jedi.'”

She could be a Jedi from Mandalore; however, it’s still stupid because Jedi serve the Republic, not any single planetary governing body.  So she should just be a Jedi Padawan regardless to her origin of Mandalore.

As for the rest of it, you can all digest it as you like.  I just don’t have the willpower to pick that whole block of failure apart.

Anyway, let’s back up and tackle the summary and the obligatory author’s note.

Jasmin Kenobi is on a mission this holiday season.  Well, actually TWO missions.  Mission number one: Find the best Christmas gift for her three month old twins. Mission number two: Help her Vulcan Padawan, T’Mir, understand Christmas. Will she succeed? Or will she fail?

If you want to catch the attention of a Librarian, that’s a damn effective way to do it.  Holy hell is that a hot mess waiting to happen.  Crunchy, the checklist if you will.

“Ahem, First, we have a severe break from canon in that Jedi are not allowed to have children.  Second, an original character who is the wife of a canon character.  Third, the very concept is ludicrous.  Fourth, there is evidence of an untrustworthy narrator who uses the conversational tone.  Finally, and the nail in the coffin as it were, is that the main character is an overt author insertion.”

On the plus side, it’s actually all correctly spelled and the grammatical failures are minor.  So at least we can expect this thing to be mechanically presentable.  Let’s head on in and see our author’s note.

AN- Hello and welcome to my very first Christmas story. I hope that you all like it. First things first, I’m going to write a character list. This list will have name, what they do, and gender/species.

Generally you want to avoid these.  Dramatis personae are more of a play thing.  Sure, some books have them, but generally if you’re doing your job as an author, they’re unnecessary at best, and, at their worst, authors will use them as a substitute for actual character development.  That said, longer novel series can sometimes benefit from a character list as an appendix entry.

“I can imagine what the case is here.”

Yeah, I wouldn’t say this bodes well.

Like in the Star Wars books, they have the dramatis personae, which is Latin for characters.

“Just because a published work can get away with doing something questionable, that does not excuse you following suit.”

To be fair to the author, this is the first fic she wrote (or at least the fist posted on her account) and in her later fics she stops including it.  So she did eventually figure it out.  It’s one of the pitfalls of a new author, they don’t recognize right away what things not to copy.

However, benefit of the doubt or not, you still get one of these:

*GONG*

Dramatis personae is Latin for “persons of the drama.”  Yes, the meaning is essentially “the main characters,” but that’s not what you wrote.  You wrote, ‘is Latin for.’  If you’re going to provide a translation, provide the correct one!

Genius of them, huh?

“Ahahahahaha! No.”

If people can’t remember your characters without a list, you either have too many of them, or they’re horrible characters.

“It can be both.”

*Looks up at the list*  I’m pretty sure it is both.

Anyway, this is where the list appears and then right after it-

Now for the first chappie of the story!

*Facepalm*

Dear crap, author, stop trying to be cute and energetic and just write some actual story already!

Shopping Terrors

“I resent being called a shopping terror!  It was Gumdrop who stomped on that display of Hatchimals!”

And I’m sure you had nothing to do with it.

“Of course I did, but I still resent only being called a terror.  I am a vile destroyer of shopping at the very least!”

Ah.

Jasmin Kenobi was stuck. She had no idea what someone would get their kids for their first Christmas.

Which makes sense.  Really, as a mix between a Betazoid and a Jedi, you shouldn’t even know what Christmas is.

“Forgiving that she does know, how hard can it be?  She has two infants to shop for.”

So here she was, staring at a display of baby toys, not quite sure what to do.

Okay, listen close here because this is difficult. Here’s the checklist of things you need in a baby toy:

  1. Colorful and/or reflective
  2. Makes noise and/or vibrates
  3. Is not obnoxiously loud

“Parenting sounds complicated.  It is fortunate that I shall never have to worry about such things.”

What did you get Jiwe this year?

“A little TIE interceptor.  It has these flashing lights and makes blaster sou- … I despise you.”

“Do you need any assistance?” a Twi’lek sales associate asked her.

Yes, do I want to get the bright orange thing that rattles, or the bright green thing with the mirror on it?

“Yes. What do you get kids for their first Christmas?” Jasmin asked nervously.

I love it when young folk try to write about parenting.  It reminds me of simpler times when I was still that ignorant.

“Ah. New mom?” the woman asked.

“The best gift a mother can give a child is a new mother.”

Not everyone had your family, Crunchy.

“Yea,” Jasmin replied.

“Boy or girl?”

“Both.”

Woof.  I can only imagine how rough twins would be.

“Indeed.  She would have to buy the orange one and the green one.”

Right!?

“Pardon?”

Did she stutter?

“I’ve got twins,” Jasmin explained.

“Ah,” the Twi’lek replied, “Here, come take a look at this…”

This… thing.

“They must have a special section for twin babies.”

! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# !

Jeez, lady, I know it’s hard shopping for infants, but no reason to curse out the associate that’s trying to help you.

T’Mir glanced at the window of the store. Window shopping her master had called this.

“I thought they were shopping for presents?  Does one of her relatives desire a window?”

Sit down before you hurt yourself.

“I am sitting.”

T’Mir stifled a sigh. She would never understand humans. Why go out and spend money on useless gifts, when the money could be used for the needs of the many.

We get it, needs of the many yadda yadda.  Can I get a fic that doesn’t exist purely to make references, already!?

“Do Vulcan’s even know what money is?”

Possibly.  Star Trek canon kinda contradicts itself on whether Federation members understand currency.  Early in the shows, it was unlikely that they understood it in anything but a historical context, but later it became apparent that some form of trade would probably exist between races, so having some idea about currency made more sense.

What a wasteful human tradition, this Christmas.

“She has a point, you know.”

Quiet, you.

“Miss? You’ve been standing zer for a wery long time now. Is zere anything wrong?”

Oh shit, Jasmine is going to attempt to write Chekov’s accent!

*Crunchy hands Taco a Stahlhelm*

“I had a feeling we would need these.”

T’Mir looked at the young human next to her.

“I am perfectly fine. I was merely contemplating some ideas,” she replied evenly.

“She was thinking about thinking?”

Gotta get the ol’ noodle warmed up before you can cook with it.

“Your metaphor fills me with rage.”

You’re welcome.

“Alrighty then. Sheesh, ya don’t need ta be rude to the lad,” a Scottish accent replied. To her sensitive Vulcan ears, it sounded like he was speaking right into her ear. She turned to look at a man in a Starfleet engineering uniform.

“Hsssss!  It burns!”

Authors!  The answer to: ‘should I write an accent’ is: NO!  Even proficient writers screw accents up, so if you’re just bonking out some fanfiction in your freetime, don’t even bother trying.  The only, ONLY time you should attempt to write an accent is if you’re willing to spend hours researching the dialect and even more hours pouring over every line of dialogue to make sure it’s consistent.  And even then, most accents in the written word tend to irritate the reader more than adding anything of substance to the story.

“In this case, the author could not even make it through the first line before making a gaff.”

Yup, screwed it up right off the bat.

“I was not intentionally being rude,” T’Mir replied frostily.

“However, now she is intentionally being rude.”

An important nuance.

“A Vulcan, aren’t ya? What would a wee lass such as yerself be doin’ so far from yer home?” he shot back.

“Pardon my ignorance, but why are these two Starfleet officers bothering a Vulcan staring at a window?”

That’s a good question.  Seems like these two are accosting a poor woman who obviously doesn’t want anything to do with them.

T’Mir’s irritation levels cranked up a notch.

“While the author’s prose quality plummets precipitously.”

“This is my home. First and foremost, I am a Jedi,” she snapped.

She lives in the street?

“All Jedi do.  It has to do with spiritual purity or some such nonsense.”

“Fiesty, aren’t ya?” he laughed.

This is a disturbing take on Scottie.  By this exchange, it seems like the author is trying to paint him as a catcalling drunkard who won’t leave a woman alone even if she’s clearly uninterested.  Talk about shooting way wide of the characterization target.

She was about to reply when a voice said, “I think you might wanna step back a bit, mister.”

T’Mir recognized the voice. It was her friend, Fire Skirata, Mando Jedi.

“It is fun to assume the author misspelled mango.”

Apparently this window shop is the place to be.  Two Starfleet officers and two Jedi just hanging out, shopping for windows.

“Hello Fire,” T’Mir greeted her fellow Padawan. The younger girl nodded her greetings.

*The Hello Fire auto-ignites in the corner of the room.*

“See, this is why we no longer use the Hello Fire as a greeting.”

“I thought ze Wulcans did not like humans?” the younger boy chimed in.

Yes, which is why they were part of the founding of the Federation and remained on very good terms for the-

Wait, ‘boy?’  Shit, is this Star Fiction High!?

“Nope, not all of ’em.

Few of them, in fact.  Vulcans don’t really understand humans, but they’ve been pretty close allies for most of their combined history.

Come on, T’Mir. Jas has been wondering where you are,” Fire replied, steering T’Mir away. Or, at least trying to.

Guess we better get the narrator another beer, his mind is starting to wander and he’s forgetting how the plot is supposed to go.

“She should know where I am. She was the one who sent me… shopping, after all,” T’Mir replied calmly.

“I find that logic irrefutable.”

You know you’re right when a raptor agrees with you.

“Remember, the poor woman forgets things.

Definitely somebody you want to have as a Jedi and S.H.I.E.L.D. agent.

“Not to mention a parent.”

Naw, I forget where my kids are all the time.  They’re usually fine.

Like the time. She doesn’t have Vulcan memory,” Fire argued.

“Nor, apparently, does she own a watch.”

“True,” T’Mir replied, letting Fire steer her away.

“I have to wonder if she goes back to buy the window.”

We may never know.

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Dammit, author, what’s with all the swearing all the sud-

It’s a line break isn’t it?

“It appears so.”

That has to be the second stupidest one I’ve ever seen.  Behind that ‘life of a line’ bullshit that BatJamags had to deal with.

Jim Kirk glanced at Spock for what seemed like the tenth time, even though it was only the third.

On the one hand, that was actually a correct use of seemed.  On the other, that was a painfully insipid sentence where the brief obfuscation accomplished absolutely nothing useful.

Spock was occupied, studying something or another. Jim still didn’t get why Enterprise got to escort Ambassador Sarek and Tony Stark to Coruscant.

Kirk’s confusion is understandable.  Sending Tony Stark in the capacity of an ambassador is akin to sending a four-year-old to fetch your Ming vase.

“I would hazard that these two are making the journey because Christmas.”

Also possibly because Sue.

A stroke of luck, he supposed.

I’m sure the people of Coruscant will feel very lucky indeed to see Tony Stark smirk his way off the Enterprise.

He glanced up at the door as Scotty and Chekov walked in, laughing.

“Did you see ze blonde’s face? She got so cute when she got angry!” Chekov gasped, laughing.

“Remember when I was a sexist pig to her?”

Fun times, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Ahh, I do so love a good laugh.”

“It was funnier when the Vulcan lass got irritated,” Scotty replied, laughing just as hard as Chekov. Jim swore he saw Spock’s ears prick up like a cat’s.

Oh please don’t have tiger sex between Spock and Kirk.  I’m begging you, fic.  If you can resist going there, I’ll toss in one of the stale redemption cookies we had left over from the 2014 riffing season.

“A Vulcan?” he asked the two men.

“Yep,” Scotty replied, “A wee lass. Fancied herself as some sort of Jedi person.”

We don’t know what that is, so we of course think it’s preposterous!

“AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

The moment is over, Crunchy.

“Curses.”

“What was this Vulcan’s name?” Spock pressed.

“Her blonde friend called her T’Mir,” Chekov replied.

“If you will excuse me, Captain,” Spock said, standing up.

Of course Spock just happens to know her.

“The Suefluence is strong in this one.  Even her friends have undue attention fawned upon them.”

“It’s Jim, and where are you going?” Jim asked, adopting his command voice.

“If you are going to give a command, you would do well not to undermine your authority by introducing a first-name basis before you give that command.”

In this case it’s actually in-character.  Kirk knows that insisting on using first names irritates Spock.  It’s a bit of a psychological power-play.  Or maybe just friends being jerks to each other to show affection.

“Friends do that?”

If there’s one thing my friends have taught me, it’s that friends suck.

“I have not seen T’Mir in many years,” Spock replied curtly.

Spock knows the second-order Sue.  Much surprise.  Very shock.

“And you know a Jedi, how?” Jim asked, curious.

“T’Mir is my cousin, Captain,” Spock replied, walking out the door.

Well fuck, she also has to be related.

“The Suefluence is very strong indeed.”

“Oh,” was all Jim replied.

AN- Enjoy!

I will say one thing, I’m enjoying the short chapters.

“Definitely the best characteristic of this fic.”

Let’s tackle another while we’re at it!

Chapter Two

I like that the chapter naming convention is consistent.

“But it is not-

I know!

AN- Now for the next Christmas chappie!

Author, stahp.

“Why must the author insult our intelligence by including an author’s note telling us that chapter two is the next chapter?”

Probably just being realistic about the kind of person who would actually chose to read this far.

“You make that joke a lot.”

And yet it doesn’t stop being true.

“We should hack into the Temple mainframe and see what the Vulcans talk about!” Jim suggested, excited.

Okay, Kirk is definitely a lose cannon who whims his way through command, but he isn’t this bad.  Hacking your closest ally’s database just to satisfy an idle curiosity is stupid to a point that even Kirk would know better without having to think about it.

“That’s not very nice, Uncle Jim,” Joanna McCoy replied.

What the fuck is Joanna doing here!?  This is the Enterprise NCC-1701!  That ship operated way back before the Federation went crazy as shit and started allowing children on their ships!

Ever since Jocelyn had lost custody of the young girl, Joanna had been living on the Enterprise.

“Which means the legal system on Earth has also lost their minds if they consider giving custody of a child to a man in the military who is part of a five-year mission of exploration a good idea.”

“Miss Joanna is right, Keptain. It ees not wery nice,” Chekov chimed in.

Chekov would know, he hangs out with Scotty.

“And ya can’t hack inta the Temple mainframe anyways. I tried to,” Scotty informed them.

“You called that one without even knowing a punchline was coming.  How does that make you feel.”

Like flipping a table.  Strangely, there is an odd shortage of tables this week.

“Inexplicable.”

“Men,” Nyota Uhura muttered. She tapped a few keys on the datapad that Miss Potts had given her to borrow.

“Miss Potts?”

potts

That would be Mrs. Potts.  I think Uhura is referring to Pepper Potts from the Avengers.

“That is much less enjoyable to picture.”

Sorry, dude.

“I’m in!” Nyota announced. All eyes turned towards her. McCoy whistled.

“The stupid is spreading with impressive speed.  Even the normally sensible Uhura has fallen.”

Jim snatched the datapad from her hands. On the screen, a Vulcan girl sat on a couch and typed what looked to be an essay or report of some kind.

I’m not sure the Vulcans understand what constitutes information important enough to hide behind security.

“It is possible that Uhura simply tapped into the Vulcan equivalent of Youtube in order to sate the boys’ curiosity.”

That does sound like something she would do, doesn’t it?

A gentle lullaby was playing in a nearby room. Spock would be there any second now.

“Oh, so Uhura hacked into a private camera in this girl’s domicile.  Why is there such a thing?”

Probably left her webcam on.  I find it more objectionable that Uhura was fine tapping into a camera in a young girl’s room in order to show her captain.

“I may need to shower after this chapter.”

I may join you.

“Only if you wish to know what your own intestines look like.”

Noted.

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The narrator is pretty abusive when he’s sober.  Somebody get him a refill!

T’Mir was sitting on her couch, typing a mission report when the door chime sounded.

“Found a rather nice window; however, the mission was interrupted by the captain before acquisition could be finalized.”

“Enter!” she called. The door swished open. T’Mir didn’t look up.

“Greetings, krei,” a familiar voice greeted her.

*ALARM BLARES*

Waiiiiit for it.

*DRD Agents rush into the room*

NOW!

*Crunchy and Taco both pull out wrapped presents from under their chairs.*

Okay, now which of you is Sergent Sarge?

“I have one here for a Lieutenant Lewis.”

-[A brief but totally violent gift exchange later]-

“A new preening mirror!  How did they know!?”

Sweet, I got an AVR programmer assembly kit! It even has solder!

“Neeeeeeeeerd.”

She stood up quickly, dropping her report on the floor. The report was classified and so was her location.

“No one must know of the window procurement mission!”

The only option is to kill Spock, blow up the building, change your name, and relocate to rural Romulus as a milk maid.  Further instructions will be placed in the cow upon your arrival.

She was the Order’s best Special Ops personnel.

Who was just caught unawares by somebody entering her room announced.

“Who also keeps an easily hacked live camera recording her in that same room.  No wonder the Jedi Order never saw Palpatine coming.”

How had he found her?

“She likely forgot to register her phone number as unlisted.”

The flyering campaign with her address probably didn’t help, either.

“Spock!” she gasped, surprised.

“Yes. I am here,” her cousin replied.

To be fair, Spock can be a bit of a captain obvious at times.

“May I inquire as to why you are on Coruscant?” T’Mir questioned him.

If the answer boils down to ‘Because Chistmas’ I’m going to give this fic a wedgie.

Enterprise was ordered to escort Ambassador Sarek and Tony Stark to Coruscant. I am under the impression that Sarek is to assist in negotiating a treaty with the Republic and Mr. Stark wished to visit a friend before presenting some of his technology to the Republic Army,” Spock explained.

“Which they don’t need because Star Wars technology is far ahead of what Tony Stark has to offer.”

I dunno, that armor of his is pretty resilient.

“And yet he is the only one wearing it.  Star Wars needs technology of scale.  Stark has himself and an armory of fancy clothes.”

Fair enough.

“May I inquire as to how you found me? My location is classified from anyone except those with Priority Gamma clearance or above,” T’Mir inquired.

She used Greek for the clearance level, so it must be important!

“Which is strange, since Jedi would not know Greek.”

“A colleague of mine met you. Mr. Scott, the Enterprise‘s chief engineer mentioned that he had met a young Vulcan Jedi.   I presumed that it was you. My presumption was accurate,” Spock replied. T’Mir blushed green.

Which is definitely enough information to figure out where on the planet she’s located.

“Apparently I need to ask my Master for assistance in learning to hide myself better in plain sight. My skills in that field are obviously lacking,” T’Mir stated.

The Order’s best spec ops soldier, ladies and gentlemen.

The door chose that moment to hiss open once again.

“Knock knock!” a male voice called, “We come bearing gifts.”

“You may as well enter, seeing as you already have,” T’Mir replied coolly, obviously irked.

She’s awfully easy to irk for a Jedi Vulcan.

“She would be what we like to call ‘Darkside Fodder.’  The Jedi liked to sprinkle those in their ranks so that the less discerning Sith would waste time recruiting them.  They tended to be pretty easy to sway, but ultimately too useless for anything other than absorbing blaster fire.”

Two people appeared. A human man in Jedi robes with brown hair and blue eyes and a female alien, who seemed to be severely underdressed.

I’m guessing this would be Anakin and Ahsoka Tano.  Which, I can see Ahsoka is probably going to be the bashing target of the fic.  Ahsoka’s attire is actually not all that revealing compared to what Twi’leks sometimes wear.  And her first outfit refresh in season 3 did a lot to remedy the tube-top look she was sporting up until that point.

“Sorry about Master Skywalker, T’Mir,” the girl apologized, “He never knocks. Who’s your friend?”

“Except that he did.  In spirit, anyway.”

Definitely more than you would do.

“Knocking is a meaningless social construct and is thus a waste of time.”

“Unless there is an article of clothing hanging from the door, of course.”

“Your apology is accepted, Ahsoka,” T’Mir replied smoothly, “This is Spock.”

We’re not supposed to like, T’Mir, are we?  Vulcan’s are calculating, cold, and generally lacking in emotion.  T’Mir, on the other hand, comes off more as an irritable bitch who enjoys sniping at people behind the guise of being aloof.

“Darkside Fodder.”

Yes, you mentioned.

Ahsoka nodded, “Welcome to the Jedi Temple, Mister Spock!”

So the Spec Ops master hid in the Jedi temple.   The most likely place to find a Jedi.

“And people wonder why Order 66 was so effective.”

He nodded in return. A loud crying sounded from the room next to the living area. T’Mir visibly winced.

Vulcan and Jedi stoicism at work.

“I wonder how many blaster rounds she’ll absorb.”

“I apologize for the twins,” T’Mir said as she hurried into the next room to soothe the child who was crying.

I guess in this version of the Jedi, a padawan is basically an excuse to get free babysitting.

Spock simply raised an eyebrow. When T’Mir reappeared, she was holding a baby girl with a small amount of fuzz on her head.

“You may want to remove that fuzz.  It might be the reason behind the crying.”

He noticed, as he got a glimpse of the room where the babies slept, there was another baby in a crib, a boy it seemed.

You can definitely identify a baby’s sex from a room away just by looking at it.  Totally plausible.

Skywalker came out, followed by his apprentice, who was clearly lecturing him.

Look, Anakin, we’re all really supportive, but maybe pick a slightly better time to come out to your friends.

“Ahsoka doesn’t seem terribly supportive.”

She’s probably telling him that now isn’t really the time.

“I apologize again for Master Skywalker, sir. He is a horrible babysitter,” Ahsoka apologized.

Really horrible.  Especially since he wasn’t the one doing the babysitting.

“Your apology is accepted, Padawan,” Spock replied. She smiled, nodded her head and all but dragged Skywalker out of the room.

Bye!  Turns out we were totally pointless in this fic.  We’ll just show ourselves out.

“They should be so lucky to escape this fic so easily.”

After T’Mir had put the little girl down for a nap; they, as humans put it, caught up with each other.

Ah, so we’ll get some more information about their history!  Good, I was wondering why Spock dropped everything just to talk to his cousin.

He was preparing to leave when four people walked in.

“It was so adorable that you thought we were going to get some character development.”

Pepper Potts was laughing at something that Tony Stark had said. A clone trooper had his arm around the shoulders of a woman that Spock had not seen since she had been dishonorably discharged from Starfleet for conduct unbecoming of an officer.

“I should get the author a new shoe horn for Sithmas.  The one she has doesn’t seem to be working so well.”

T’Mir stood suddenly.

And from behind!

“Master, Mr. Stark, Miss Potts, Captain Jesse,” she greeted them.

“Captain who?”

Jesse.  He’s one of the troopers from Clone Wars.  Though he’s not a captain.

“Hey kid!” Stark greeted Spock’s cousin. T’Mir’s master winced as T’Mir’s eyes flashed with barely concealed anger.

“I may as well order another holocaust cloak.  Seems like this one is going to convert herself whether we want her or not.”

It was then that he was noticed.

“He?”

Mr. GuyMan!

“Always turning up where you least expect him.  Also, where you most expect him.”

“May I introduce-” T’Mir started.

“Long time, no see, huh, Mister Spock?” Elaine Kirk asked Spock.

“Who?”

You got me, I couldn’t find anything on her across the three Wiki’s I use for Star Trek stuff, nor was Uncle Google any help.  So I’m guessing she’s another OC, probably Kirk’s daughter, which makes her the most plausible of all these characters.  I’d hazard that she’s probably another orbital Sue given how her background was crammed in at the last second and talks like she’s in high school.

AN- Okay, just so you guys know, THERE IS NO ROMANCE HERE BETWEEN SPOCK AND T’MIR!

“So much for the incest angle.  Syl will be so disappointed.”

I have been asked that so many times now!

Which says more about the quality level of the readers your fics are attracting than anything else.

They are cousins for God’s sake.   Other than that, I have a few new stories and some new chapters, but not much else to say.

“And yet you still decided to burden the audience with saying a lot of nothing rather than providing silence.  How thoughtful.”

REVIEW! (please?)

You betcha!  *Points up toward the riff*

Anyway, that’s the end of chapter two and that’s all the time we have this week!  Catch us next week as we chow down on the conclusion to A Very Special Christmas.

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72 Comments on “1629: A Very Special Christmas – Chapters One and Two”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Jasmin Kenobi- Jedi Knight, S.H.E.I.L.D. agent (female human/Betazoid hybrid)

    Well this is off to a wonderful start.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Fire Skirata- Mandalorian Jedi Padawan (female human)

    That doesn’t sound like a Jedi Padawan, that sounds like an Indian dish I’d be reluctant to try.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Will she succeed? Or will she fail?

    Given that the ‘fic made it into the Library, there’s pretty much only one answer.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Shopping Terrors

    Wal*Mart?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Yes. What do you get kids for their first Christmas?” Jasmin asked nervously.

    “Ah. New mom?” the woman asked.

    “Yea,” Jasmin replied.

    “Boy or girl?”

    Nice to see that in the utopian future of Gene Roddenberry children’s toys are still segregated by sex.

  6. GhostCat says:

    Oh shit, Jasmine is going to attempt to write Chekov’s accent!

    …Well, shit. Time to start drinking early today.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Like the time. She doesn’t have Vulcan memory,” Fire argued.

    “Nor, apparently, does she own a watch.”

    Oh! She’s a millennial!

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# !

    Dammit, author, what’s with all the swearing all the sud-

    It’s a line break isn’t it?

    “It appears so.”

    That has to be the second stupidest one I’ve ever seen. Behind that ‘life of a line’ bullshit that BatJamags had to deal with.

    I fed that into some automated cryptanalysis software I had lying around, but all it did was start praising the Old Ones.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    He glanced up at the door as Scotty and Chekov walked in, laughing.

    “Did you see ze blonde’s face? She got so cute when she got angry!” Chekov gasped, laughing.

    “It was funnier when the Vulcan lass got irritated,” Scotty replied, laughing just as hard as Chekov.

    When did Chekov and Scotty become bros?

  10. GhostCat says:

    AN- Okay, just so you guys know, THERE IS NO ROMANCE HERE BETWEEN SPOCK AND T’MIR!

    “So much for the incest angle. Syl will be so disappointed.”

    :loud cursing and screaming:

    I think she’s taking it rather well.

    :a ninja stumbles past, uniform shredded and bits of popcorn embedded in its armor:

    Relatively speaking.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      Abrelepine: Ahhh there’s nothing quite so ravishing as a passionate outpouring of pure, homicidal anger…

      Hosen: It’s time to stop! No more!

      Abrelepine: You can’t stop me.

      • Syl says:

        Speaking of non-stop ravishing; we’re still on for drinks and nibbles later, yes?

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Abrelepine: Did you really think I’d turn you down? You wound me with the idea.

        Hosen: No! I forbid- OH SHI- (Hosen catches an explosive fireball with his face)

        Abrelepine: Pardon me… you would not believe how annoying that was getting.

  11. GhostCat says:

    She turned to look at a man in a Starfleet engineering uniform.

    Any reason why Scotty (and probably Chekov) are out shopping in their uniforms? If they’re on leave, which I assume they are if they are hanging out in a mall-equivalent trying to pick up girls, wouldn’t they wear civilian clothing?

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well, I don’t know about terrestrial militaries, but in the original series (and sometimes in later shows) Starfleet personnel on leave did indeed keep their uniforms on. In this case in particular they may have been wearing them in an attempt to impress potential mates.

  12. GhostCat says:

    He noticed, as he got a glimpse of the room where the babies slept, there was another baby in a crib, a boy it seemed.

    You can definitely identify a baby’s sex from a room away just by looking at it. Totally plausible.

    Since the toys are apparently still segregated by gender, the practice of dressing boy babies in mostly blue and girl babies in mostly pink may have survived as well.

  13. Jon Arbuckle says:

    Star Wars? A holiday?

    Happy Life Day everyone!

  14. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “I like that the chapter naming convention is consistent.”

    At least she didn’t call it “Chappie 2”.

  15. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Captain Jesse”

  16. Delta XIII says:

    She lives in the street?

    “All Jedi do. It has to do with spiritual purity or some such nonsense.”

    Pfft. Losers.

  17. Delta XIII says:

    Yes, which is why they were part of the founding of the Federation and remained on very good terms for the-

    No no, that’s the Vulcans. He clearly said the Wulcans. Totally different.

  18. Delta XIII says:

    Fun times, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  19. Whey says:

    ‘Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la kitchen sink.

  20. Delta XIII says:

    “You called that one without even knowing a punchline was coming. How does that make you feel.”

    Like flipping a table. Strangely, there is an odd shortage of tables this week.

    “Inexplicable.”

    Well, if you like, I have an abundance of glass bottles you can throw at the wall. I was going to use them for target practice, but this seems like a far more worthy cause.

  21. Leider Hosen says:

    Gotta get the ol’ noodle warmed up before you can cook with it.

    *snort*

  22. Leider Hosen says:

    Like flipping a table. Strangely, there is an odd shortage of tables this week.

    “Inexplicable.”

    Abrelepine: -pulling splinters from under his nails- How delightfully random!

  23. BatJamags says:

    Jasmin Kenobi- Jedi Knight, S.H.E.I.L.D. agent (female human/Betazoid hybrid)
    T’Mir- Jedi Padawan (female human/Vulcan hybrid)
    Fire Skirata- Mandalorian Jedi Padawan (female human)
    Montgomery “Scotty” Scott- chief engineer, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
    Pavel Chekov- navigator, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
    James T. Kirk- captain, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
    Spock- first officer, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human/Vulcan hybrid)
    Nyota Uhura- chief communications officer, U.S.S. Enterprise (female human)
    Anthony “Tony” Stark- CEO, Stark Industries (male human)
    Virginia “Pepper” Potts- secretary, Stark Industries (female human)
    Sarek- Federation Ambassador to the Republic (male Vulcan)
    Ahsoka Tano- Jedi Padawan (female Togruta)
    Amanda Kenobi- infant (female human/Betazoid/Romulan hybrid)
    Owen Kenobi- infant (male human/Betazoid/Romulan hybrid)
    Obi-Wan Kenobi- Jedi Master (male human, with some Betazoid)
    Anakin Skywalker- Jedi Knight (male human)
    Hikaru Sulu- pilot, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
    Leonard “Bones” McCoy- Chief Medical Officer, U.S.S. Enterprise (male human)
    Jesse- clone captain (male human)
    Rex- clone captain (male human)
    Padmé Amidala- Senator from Naboo (female human)
    Joanna McCoy- child (female human)

    Everything about this makes me want to vomit.

  24. BatJamags says:

    Ahem, First, we have a severe break from canon in that Jedi are not allowed to have children.

    *Raises hand*

    Technically, they’re forbidden emotional attachments. Theoretically, a Jedi could get pregnant from a one-night stand and give the kids up for adoption immediately, but that would sort of put the damper on giving them Christmas presents.

    • TacoMagic says:

      True, nothing in the laws specifically prohibits random banging. I tend to remember that some of the padawans actually fooled around while in training and it was tolerated as long as no relationships were formed from it.

      However, all that puts a damper on being married to Sexy-Wan, so it’s a law better off forgotten anyway.

  25. BatJamags says:

    Colorful and/or reflective
    Makes noise and/or vibrates
    Is not obnoxiously loud

    Ooh, shiny!

  26. BatJamags says:

    “Yea,” Jasmin replied.

    Verily.

  27. BatJamags says:

    So far, this is clearly not very good, but it’s a little bo-

    ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# ! #$%^&*())(*&^%$# !

    OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

    Is… is that a line break? Because that is the stupidest fucking line break I’ve ever seen, and I’m the guy who riffed Arkham Asylum.

    The_life_of_a_random_string_of_symbols_is_dull_and_grim.

    • parrish122 says:

      I’m starting to wonder if there will be a “stupidest line break” award handed out at the Sucktastic awards this year. I’d have thought that line breaks were nearly impossible to screw up, but I clearly underestimated the types of authors that end up featured here.

  28. BatJamags says:

    Possibly. Star Trek canon kinda contradicts itself on whether Federation members understand currency. Early in the shows, it was unlikely that they understood it in anything but a historical context, but later it became apparent that some form of trade would probably exist between races, so having some idea about currency made more sense.

    Buncha Commies, if you ask me.

  29. BatJamags says:

    “Miss? You’ve been standing zer for a wery long time now. Is zere anything wrong?”

    Ow.

  30. BatJamags says:

    “Your metaphor fills me with rage.”

    • BatJamags says:

      GoodJamags: Are you seriously trying to give a Sith Lord advice on Sithing?

      No, Palpatine is.

      GoodJamags: Oh. Well, I guess that kind of makes sense.

      • CrunchyRaptor says:

        I find it more embarrassing for the Jedi that they were taken down by Sideous than anything else. Not the finest specimen the Sith ever rolled out. The fellow was far too invested in the theatrics of the Darkside and ignored the more practical aspects. Bad case of playing with your food if I ever saw one.

        But, as I have often asserted, having incompetent opponents is the best strategy. Shame that most of his subordinates were equal to the opposition, otherwise he might have held power longer than a paltry brace of decades.

    • BatJamags says:

      T’Mir’s master winced as T’Mir’s eyes flashed with barely concealed anger.

      I’M RUNNING OUT OF STAR WARS MEMES!

  31. BatJamags says:

    a Scottish accent replied.

    It’s a personified Scottish accent?

    So, in other words, the most badass thing ever?

  32. BatJamags says:

    T’Mir’s irritation levels cranked up a notch.

    Irritation levels rising.

    GoodJamags: Copy that, BJ; implementing corrective procedures.

  33. BatJamags says:

    Like the time. She doesn’t have Vulcan memory,” Fire argued.

    Much tension. Very drama.

  34. BatJamags says:

    Oh please don’t have tiger sex between Spock and Kirk. I’m begging you, fic. If you can resist going there, I’ll toss in one of the stale redemption cookies we had left over from the 2014 riffing season.

    I mean… I could find a fic with tiger sex between Spock and Kirk. They probably take up half the Star Trek fanfiction section, if my experiences with Avengers and Homestuck are anything to go by.

  35. BatJamags says:

    If there’s one thing my friends have taught me, it’s that friends suck.

    I know logically that friends suck, but more often than not I end up being the sucky friend.

  36. BatJamags says:

    “T’Mir is my cousin, Captain,”

    Goddamn, we’re just cramming in all the cliches, aren’t we?

  37. BatJamags says:

    Chapter Two

    WHY ARE THERE MORE WORDS?! I’M SO CONFUSED!

    AN- Now for the next Christmas chappie!

    Oh, OK. It’s the next chapter. Now it makes sense.

  38. BatJamags says:

    “Men,” Nyota Uhura muttered.

    I would have chalked it up to the author’s versions of these characters being idiots, but this vaguely sexist cliche works too.

  39. BatJamags says:

    “Which they don’t need because Star Wars technology is far ahead of what Tony Stark has to offer.”

    I dunno, that armor of his is pretty resilient.

    “And yet he is the only one wearing it. Star Wars needs technology of scale. Stark has himself and an armory of fancy clothes.”

    Fair enough.

    I mean, he could theoretically mass-produce the armor (he already has a lot of them, and, assuming this is the movie version, Justin Hammer already basically did that), but it won’t do him much good against a Star Destroyer.

  40. BatJamags says:

    “Your apology is accepted, Ahsoka,”


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