1628: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 3

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: God, this chapter just refuses to fucking end.

Nora: Keep pushing forward Ert. We’re almost there.

After the smoke cleared, I found Dalamar had crash-landed about twenty meters from where the dragons once stood. I ran over to him as the Griffin slowly opened his crystal blue eyes halfway.

Ert: Again with the fucking eyes. Question, what’s the point of hammering in the same description over and over again? The idea is to establish a person’s appearance when you do that, or else remind them if it’s been awhile and/or helps set the tone. For example, if Goeth just did something…Goethy, I’d remind the reader at how greasy his hair is, or that his golden tooth was glinting brightly. It meshes nicely with the idea of him being unhinged.

Goeth: Here, it’s just copy and paste being utilized.

“Did you do it my friend?” Nodding, tears began to well up in my eyes as I watched his falter. “Dalamar…don’t you dare leave me!” I cried as my hands grabbed down on the feathers around his neck. “I’m fine, m’ lady, just…tired.” Dalamar replied his voice raspy and stuttered.

Nora: LQ? That’s not how tension works. At all. We need to actually believe that Hugh is going to die. And we know that you don’t have the guts to kill anyone in this story if they haven’t recently twirled the mustache.

“Where’s Link Dalamar, what did you do with him!?” I cried again, yanking on his white feathers. “Calm down lass, he’s right here next to me on my other side, he’s fine but unconscious.” Dalamar whispered just before unconsciousness clamed him as well.

Ert: I see that frantic battle to the death was set to unconscious mode. Someone who’s actually read Dragonlance, please tell me that the battles there were a little more exciting and tense than that?

Goeth: They would be if a hero got so much as a nosebleed.

I had spent nearly that entire night by a small fire at the base of the canyon we had ran into, caring for Link and Dalamar as they laid there unconscious. My whole body ached, even my eyes ached from them staying open, but I had to remain awake incase any more dragons entered the skies above.

Nora: And they would be able to find you easily because you lit a fire in the dead of night. Idiot.

Ert: Hell, a fire in the day would’ve been a bad idea, a fire at night is downright suicidal. Jenna is like every Mary Sue. People pretend she’s a powerhouse, but in reality she would get herself killed if she didn’t have the narrator on her side.

I just sat there and poked at the fire with a stick when suddenly I head a slight moan. Looking over I saw Link was beginning to come around. I quickly got to my feet and ran over beside him. Kneeling down next to him, I looked into his half open eyes, the slight blue glistening under the moonlight. “Oh by the Goddesses you’re awake.”

Nora: I sat around and did nothing, hoping that you didn’t have any major injuries that could possibly lead to your death. I’m lucky my baseless hunch proved to be true, now I don’t need to sign up for Tinder.

Ert: Wait a goddamn minute. You thought that the Triforce was a fairy tale. Why do you worship the goddesses of Hyrule?

I said softly as I took Link’s gloved hand into mine. He slowly raised his other hand and gently placed it against my cheek. “Are you ok, my beloved?” He said in half a whisper. I raised my other hand and rested in against his, the warmth of his smooth fingers caressed my cheek as I rubbed my cheek against them.

Goeth: Does she look hurt at all? She’s not even limping or doubled over in pain. More false drama it seems.

“Yes…yes I’m fine my love.” “But you need to get some rest.” “You were badly beaten and have a nasty burse on your forehead.”

Ert: Not that we see it. Because these dragon knights work for Skeletor in their free time.

Nora: Even then I believe Skeletor was honestly trying to kill He-Man.

I returned lovingly, whispering softly against his gentle fingers. “Where’s Dalamar……is he alright?” Link said as his eyes shifted slightly. “He’s here and he’s fine, but still unconscious…now shhh…you need to sleep, rest easy my love, I will care for both of you while you sleep.” I whispered softly as I lowered my lips to his and kissed him gently. Shifting his head slightly, his

deep blue eyes rested upon mine as a small smile crossed his battered face. “Thank you my dearest wife, I love you always…..” Came his words as he closed his eyes and rested back into a deep sleep.

Ert: Uh, random paragraph change.

Goeth: And she says that she would care for them as they slept. Even though she hasn’t done that at all.  She’s just watched.

I spent the rest of the night watching over them as I sat shuddering by the fire.

Nora: You need to do more than watch someone when you care for them.

Ert: But that takes effort.

I lived in fear that Ariakas would send more of his Dark Knights or have his Draconians patrol the skies looking for us. So I did the best to keep the fire small, as well as kept a bucket of sand near incase I had to douse the fire quickly.

Nora: Well at least she did SOMETHING that’s smart.

Goeth: She’s got a lot of stupid to make up for. She’s still deep in the negatives.

Ert: Quadruple digits in the negative.

But to my surprise, the remaining of the night was spent quiet with no signs of Ariakas’s Knights or his Draconians.

Nora: They really suck at their jobs.

So I sat and waited, waited for the night to pass and so that we could finish making our way to the Black Mountains. It was during that time that Dalamar finally awakened from unconsciousness and started resting peacefully.

Ert: And she can tell the difference between sleeping and being unconscious how? I mean there is a distinction, but I don’t really think you can just spot it.

The sky was setting off tones of yellow and orange as the sun started rising above the horizon. I slowly rose from my place by the now doused fire and walked over to where Link was resting and rustled him awake. I greeted him with a gentle kiss to the lips and a few soft words before giving him some herbs to help him feel better.

Goeth: Yes, she gave him the herbs (unknown) by taking them and (instructions not fond) to his (please specify body part).

Nora: Then Jenna did thing.

After I was sure he was fine, I went to wake Dalamar. Slowly the snowy Griffin rose to his clawed feet, his crystal eyes glistening under the sunlight as he looked me over. I handed him some of my healing herbs,

Nora:…Do…do I eat them?

Ert: I think Hugh stole Link’s eyes.

then proceeded to pack the blanket tolls

Ert:…The what now?

Goeth: Tools?

Ert: Fuck if I know.

and cooking supplies back onto the horses. After I was finished, I faced my two companions. “I think if you both are well enough to travel then we should start making our way to the Black Mountains.” With a nod Dalamar walked forward. “I agree Jenna, I’m well enough to travel, what about you Link?” The Griffin inquired. Link just nodded in response. “Well if were all ready them we should move out.”

Nora: Yeah, you had to take a long time to recover from that…thing that the dragon knights did to us. What was it again? Did they shake us or lightly bruise us?

Goeth: They may have used mildly rude terms to describe us.

I returned as I mounted my mare. After Link mounted his stallion and got situated, we moved out, making our way out of the canyon we were hiding and back down the barren rocky path towards the Black Mountains.

Ert: Oh right, I forgot. Epona isn’t here because LQ thought that it would be more interesting if she did nothing but get pregnant. God this fucking story.

Most of the morning was spent quiet while we ate dried meat and cheese for breakfast.

Ert: DON’T GO FUCKING GEORGE R.R. MARTIN ON ME! I don’t care what they’re fucking eating! I don’t care if it’s blood sausage or fucking calf brains, I DO NOT CARE!

I rode behind Link as he followed the path that Dalamar had laid out. The barren trails that we followed soon turned into a vast deselect area of rolling hills and dried grass. And in the distance appeared the silhouette of the Black Mountains. We came to a stop just atop a small rocky hill, the warm breeze rustling the hair on our heads and swishing the manes of our horses. “There is the home of my people, the Black Mountains.” “We should reach there by nightfall.”

Nora: And we don’t have to worry about being ambushed by anymore dragon knights because the conflict has been temporarily suspended. It’ll come back when the author gets bored.

Goeth: The home of my people. The one that we stole from the dragons.

Dalamar said as the feathers around his neck ruffled, his tufted ears twitching in anticipation as his eyes rested towards his home. “As long as we don’t stop to rest we should hopefully be able to cross this area without any threat of Draconians dropping in on us.” With a look skyward, my body shuddered at the thought of those blue dragons.

Ert: I see racism is spreading. It was established that the dragons were brainwashed into obeying their new masters, and Jenna is more concerned about them than the people who are riding them.

Nora: It reminds me of how we occasionally see reviews that say that they’re hesitant to call stories bad at characterization. I agree with it, because most bad stories are actually quite good at characterization. They just don’t characterize their characters the way authors think that they do. For example, the racism dragons experience in this story is very well conveyed. LQ just doesn’t realize it.

“Yeah…I sure hope that we don’t encounter anymore of them.” I whispered to myself. “Well I think we should move out and make way at a faster pace.” “Lets say at half gallop.” I suggested, my eyes resting towards the tall dark shadow in the distance.

Goeth: At least they’re starting to be halfway reasonable with horses. Halfway.

“Do you both think you’re up to it?” I questioned Link and Dalamar as I pulled back on the reins, causing my mare to dance in anxiety.

Ert: Oh for fuck’s sake woman, stop babying them. They didn’t get hurt at all, so stop bringing the story to a grinding halt every thirty seconds, because being motherly is all you have to your name.

“I agree Jenna, being here out in the open, we will be like sitting ducks should any Draconians come patrolling this area.” “I wouldn’t even doubt it if they are looking for us now.” Dalamar looked skyward, his nostrils flaring as his face filled with concern.

Nora: That’s great buddy. You take five and then come back and tell me what the heck that means.

“It would be wise if we stay at least one step ahead of them.” “Prevent them from ever catching up to us.” Link and I just stared at the worried Griffin, our horses dancing in anxiety as if they were worried about something.

Nora: More advice. Getting stabbed is bad, and staying alive is good. Now let’s get some advice from Youske.

“Dalamar, the horses are acting worried.” “They keep dancing as if they’re afraid of something.”

Ert: Horses? Dance?

Goeth: Ugh, that reminds me of some things I had to do to get through college. Stuffing genetically engineered horses into tutus and making them perform the Nutcracker. I don’t know why Evil Scientist University required Theatre Art credits to graduate, but there you go. They were utter prima donnas as well.

Link said as he pulled back on the reins then patted his stallion on the neck to calm it. “Horses can sense dragons from miles away.” Dalamar replied worried. “I think we should get moving now, it’s too dangerous to remain here any longer.”

Nora: Now that we’re all done flapping our jaws, pretending that we’re saying something important.

I watched as Dalamar started off at mid run, his talons digging into the dry dirt, causing small clouds of dust to rise in his wake. I glanced over at Link as he nodded. With that I booted my horse in the legs and followed behind Link at half gallop.

Goeth: Oh, and there’s one thing I do remember from when I had tryouts for the backup dancers. One intern kept kicking them in the back of a legs, more of a hazing thing than anything else. She got kicked in the face.

The dryness of the plains caused my throat to dry out and sand to cake to my skin as it kicked up from behind the hooves of Link’s horse. But I pushed onward, the outline of the Black Mountains soon giving way to images of rocky cliffs and small cave openings along the mountains. The black rock of the mountain shimmered against the sunlight as if it shone of a thousand diamonds, it’s immense beauty caused me to stare in awe.

Ert: A giant black rock is apparently what passes for beauty now.

Nora: Hold on, I think I have something that Jenna will find so gorgeous that it will change her perception on reality.

hi-res-4855818_crop_north

Ert:  Hey, that’s the same keychain I use.

Nora:  You actually find that picture more interesting than this story don’t you?

Ert:  The bar has been set pretty low.  Honestly, I’d much rather know the story behind that ring.

At about midday we reached the base of the Black Mountains. We dismounted and guided our horses towards the main entrance into the mountain where Dalamar waited. As he eyed us over his crystal blue eyes flickered with contentment from finally being home once again. “I must see the Council Elders and tell them of my safe return home.” “Please follow me, this cave leads to our city just atop the mountain.” Dalamar said as he walked inside the cave, the torches lit along the cave walls causing his white feathers to glisten red.

Goeth: Mountains are apparently ideal locations to build cities

Nora: We know that Gorons built their city in a mountain, but they, you know, built it IN the mountain. Since we’re talking about Griffins, a species that would ideally want an open sky above them, it sounds like they built it ON the mountain.

Link and I followed, guiding our horses behind us as we made our way up the dim winding trail that let to the top. After a tiring hike, we finally emerged into a beautiful city. The buildings were made of pearl white stone, the roads paved in a beautiful marble and the streets bustling with Griffins of all different colors, shapes and sizes.

Nora: White stone being very easy to find in a place called the Black Mountains.

Ert: And it’s also got a plentiful supply of marble. Because of course it fucking does.

Female Griffins walked with their little younglings as they ran around their clawed feet while they played.

Goeth: Once again, we see women who have a heavy part of their lives devoted to children.

The market was brimming with lively Griffins about their daily wares. Some stood in front of their shops sweeping the pavement while others walked into taverns for a much-needed drink.

Ert: And Jenna can tell which buildings are which because of course she can.

Then my eyes rested upon a tall white tower with a marble roof resting in the center of the city. A flag with the symbol of a Griffin on its hind legs with its wings spread flapped in the wind at the top. All I could do was stare in awe at the magnificent tower that loomed in front of me. Then my eyes moved to the snowy white Griffin standing next to me. “That is the tower of the Griffin Council (21)(Also known as the Tower of Elders), the place where the Council Elders lie.” Dalamar quoted, his eyes transfixed forward. “I must go now and see the elders, Jenna, you and Link can wait for me at the inn.” “I will return shortly.” Dalamar said as he turned to leave.

Nora: Wait, what inn? Hugh, this city has got to have more than one inn, where are we supposed to-and he’s gone.

Ert: Did we even bring any money? Staying at an inn wasn’t exactly part of the plan. And let’s get the damn annotation out of the way.

(21) The Griffin Council (Also known as the Tower of Elders)

Goeth: When in doubt, copy paste.

are a group of the oldest and wisest Griffins among their kind. These elder Griffins are responsible for the safety, political decisions and rule making of the Griffin society. The Griffin Council was founded during the time of the Great War when the humans thrust their kind into slavery.

Nora: Wow. I mean…wow. As if the Griffins weren’t big enough assholes. They get enslaved, so what do they do? Drive dragons out of their home so that THEY can get enslaved.

It was during that time that the Griffin Council decided that humans were not to be trusted, even after the war ended and peace was restored.

Ert: Message from the dragons. They say fuck you. They also say that you’re hypocritical and self-righteous assholes.

Now with the threat of Ariakas and his Draconians, the Council elders have sealed off their borders to human access and have deemed all Griffins denied access past Dragonmount.

Goeth: They’re stupid like that. When they’re threatened from one side, they fortify the other side from the people who haven’t bothered them in a long time, and really are no worse than they are.

Even though the Griffins do not trust humans,

Nora: Something that’s proven to be an informed attribute to be perfectly honest. They haven’t actually shown that much distrust in this story.

Ert: And again, what they did was just as bad as what humanity did, so shut up with that undeserved self-righteousness.

it was well known that High Priestess Alhana granted access to Link and his wife Jenna Silverblade and also gave them one of their precious Mind Glyphs because of their heroic deed in returning one of their kind back safely to them when he was stranded in Hyrule due to a Draconian attack.

Ert: DID YOU JUST FUCKING USE YOUR ANNOTATIONS TO TALK ABOUT PLOT EVENTS THAT HAVEN’T HAPPENED YET!? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TELL A STORY OR NOT!?

Nora: Man these people are easy to please. Again, we don’t really buy the them not trusting people thing. Because this story is telling instead of showing.

But even though the Griffins do not just trust anyone, they hope to one day, trust all humans once again.

Nora: Well question. What if we don’t want to trust the Griffins? We extended the hand of peace to them. What have they done to establish ties with the dragons? Nothing. So maybe we don’t care if they don’t trust us. Maybe we don’t trust them either. Maybe we’ve seen through their bullshit from day one.

“Ok my friend we will be waiting for you at the inn then.” “See you soon.” Link returned as he took my hand and led me into the city. We made our way into the marble streets and among the crowd of lively Griffins. My eyes just stared transfixed as we walked threw the streets, the eyes of passing Griffins watched us as we walked by, their stares of distrust caused me to move up against Link. He looked down into my worried eyes as he put a comforting arm around me, while our free hands pulled on the reins of our horses, guiding them behind us. Then we finally reached the inn, the sign on the front read The Griffin’s Vineyard. Link went inside to fetch a stable hand to take our horses to the stable. When he came back, he had a big burly dark brown Griffin with him, his red eyes shone with caution as he walked forth and reared up on his hind legs. Taking the reins of our horses in his talons, he led them to the back of the inn and into the stables. Then Link and I headed inside. The inn was clean, its wooden floors were swept and shiny. The innkeeper, a slender tan female Griffin was busy wiping the counter with a damp rag while husky Griffins of all different colors sat around tables drinking ale.

Ert: Just remember, Griffins don’t trust humans, and as far as they know, humans aren’t allowed within their territory. That’s because the annotations and the actual story exist within two different worlds. One being the insane world LQ came up with because she think’s that she’s J.R.R. Tolkien all of a sudden, and the other being her masturbatory dream about plowing a 64 bit polygon model.

Link and I walked up to the innkeeper, her black eyes locking with ours. “Innkeep my wife and I would like a hot meal and a room for the night.” Link said as he placed three red rupees on the counter. The innkeeper slowly lifted her slender clawed hand and took the rupees into it. She pulled them close to her beaked face and examined them before looking back at us. “I got one room and it be stewed pork with potatoes to eat this night.”

Nora: Clearly the Griffin’s distrust of humans is on display here. With the way she takes their money and offers them food.

Goeth: Apparently her giving them a hard gaze is supposed to demonstrate how they don’t trust humans. Or it could just be the way this woman naturally looks.

Ert: Hell if we know. LQ seems to think that spelling things out for us in notes can make up for not telling the story properly.

She returned, her hard gaze resting upon us. Link and I went and sat at a table near the fire, its red glow reflecting off our skin as it warmed us. “Oh and Innkeeper, bring us a jug or your best ale, I think we both need a good drink this night.” Link added nonchalantly, as he unfastened his scabbard from his back and laid it next to him, his hand resting gently on the hilt.

Ert: Jenna is still pregnant.

Nora: I’m a little concerned at what LQ must’ve been exposed to in order to think that drinking while pregnant is normal and healthy.  It’s officially not an isolated incident anymore.

I just sat there and stared into the fire, the flames flickered and danced causing haunting shapes to form in them. I felt Link’s soft stare rest upon me. “Jenna are you ok?” “You look troubled.” My eyes continued to stare deeply into the fire. “Jenna, what’s wrong?” “Jenna…” I watched as the flames continued to dance, my eyes transfixed on them, dragging my mind into a state of deep thought, when suddenly I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.

Ert: *Snaps fingers* For god’s sake woman, you’re not deep, nor have you dealt with anything that is really worth being troubled over. Not even being attacked by the dragons, because they were G rated dragons that weren’t allowed to actually do anything impactful.

Snapping out of my trance, I looked over to see Link staring at me with concern in his deep blue eyes. “Huh……oh Link what’s wrong?” I asked, my eyes locking with his. “I was just asking you the same hon.” “You seemed lost there for a moment.” His hand gently rested on top of mine, his soft blue eyes stared deeply into mine. “What’s troubling you my love?”

Nora: Look, we know that she doesn’t really have anything to worry about. All enemies in this story have been pushovers and she hasn’t ever been seriously hurt. But Link doesn’t know that. These morons think that they’re on a dangerous mission against dangerous foes. So now Link is stupid in more ways than one.

I returned to staring into the fire. “I’m still thinking of last night when those Draconians attacked us.” “I still remember those wicked yellow eyes and dank breath.”

Ert: We get in Jenna, you’re a shameless racist.

Goeth: It’s ironic. LQ’s annotations are actually making this story worse. If they hadn’t been in, the villains would’ve been generic and one dimensional, but they would’ve been villains. The annotations, however, turned the dragons into tragic victims who were forced into becoming villains. But LQ doesn’t seem to care about her own annotations. She just wrote them up and then made dragons evil and shallow bad guys.

“And even those damn Dark Knights, with their twisted laughs, and that devilish black armor they wore,” Shivers started to run up my spine, as my skin suddenly seemed to turn cold. “I never thought in all my days I would encounter something as evil as them.”

Nora: Oh come on, you could’ve crammed five uses of the word dark into that sentence.

I felt Link’s other hand clasp over mine as he held in within his warm palms, his fingers curling around mine. “Now I’m worried just how far this might go, those dark bastards have harnessed the powers of the dragons, and with that much power, they just might be a worse threat then Gannondorf ever was.”

Goeth: If you can’t properly convey how strong your villain is, take a pre-existing villain and say “worse than that.” Why write when you can just rely on the more talented work of others to act as a narrative for you?

Ert: Also, worse than Ganondorf? Uh. Bullshit. Ganondorf took over an entire kingdom in under seven years. These people haven’t been able to take a single city in decades. Bad writing. Things are certain ways because the author says so.

“I say as soon as were done here,” my eyes moved back to Link’s. “We must make haste back to Hyrule and inform Princess Zelda of what we found.” I said grimly as I felt the cold shivers continue to run up my spine.

Nora: Uh. What did you find?

Ert: That there are dragon knights. Something they already knew from talking to Hugh. But I guess they needed to confirm it. Even though they clearly

“I agree love,” Link said as a young cream-colored female Griffin decked in dazzling jewelry came walking over to our table on her hind legs carrying a tray with mugs in her slender talons. “But we’ve been threw so much in the last day, I think we should leave in the morning after we’ve both have had a good nights sleep.” Link and I watched as the young Griffin plopped down two mugs on the table, then a large clay pot. The female Griffin smiled then turned and walked away. Popping the cork, Link inhaled the fumes with a gusty sigh of contentment, his mouth watering in anticipation. “Ah that’s prime.” Link said with satisfaction. “Give me your mug dear,” Link said as he poured himself a mug of (22)Griffin Spice. “This stuff will warm your chilled bones.”

Ert: Just a reminder, Griffins really don’t trust humans. That’s why this one is cooking up something specifically to make Link and Jenna more comfortable.

Nora: Goddamn it, here we go

(22) Griffin Spice is a very potent type of spiced ale. The Griffins are the only species that make this type of ale. No one is quite sure what type of spice the Griffins use in their ale to make it so potent,

Ert:…Fuck it.

Goeth: *Sips it.* And…yup, time is bending before me.

Ert:…Goeth as Muad’Dib.  That’s going to keep me up at night for months to come.

but some people think they use the Tapus Root which if eaten causes hallucinatory effects.

Ert: I WAS FUCKING JOKING!

Nora: You can never give these stories any kind of credit.

If the Tapus Root is left to ferment in alcohol, it gives the drink a sharp taste, but causes one to get drunk more quickly then most types of ale.

Ert: Because the Tapus Root contains alcohol or something.

Lifting the mug to his lips, Link took a long pull of the Griffin Spice then thumped the mug back down on the table. “Ah that’s invigorating.” He said smugly as he slid my mug back to me. “Drink up my love, it will help you.”

Goeth: Invigorating? LQ does know that alcohol is a depressant right? It can act as a stimulant in small amounts, but considering how heavily concentrated the alcohol is apparently supposed to be in this, I don’t think it would apply here.

I peered into the mug before lifting it to my lips and drinking the concoction that was within it. Lowering the mug back to the table I smiled at Link. “Mmm…you were right love, this stuff is great.” I said pleasantly. We just sat there and reveled in the Griffin Spice, drinking the entire jug then calling for seconds.

Nora: Well, her second kid is going to come down with a bad case of fetal alcohol syndrome.

Ert: This story is supposed to be heartwarming.

Soon after, we were falling slouched in our chairs, the ale had gone to our heads. “Link….I thhiink it’s time to go to bbedd.” I said in a slurred tone. Nodding, his eyes blurry, he got up, staggered over to the innkeeper and pounded his fist on the counter. “Innkeep……mmyy wife and I will go to ourrr rrrooms now.” Link slurred loudly. “Hmmm I see that you’ve had too much to drink, I will have Tara show you to your room.” The Griffin added, a slight grin upon her beaked face.

Ert: Griffins still don’t trust humans.

Nora: It’d be hilarious if Hugh came back in. “Ok guys. I talked to the Council and…WHAT THE HELL!? I left you alone for an hour and you both got wasted? WE HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO YOU MORONS!”

After a minute, the cream colored Griffin we saw earlier emerged from the kitchen, a soft smile upon her beaked face.

Goeth: Beaks can’t form smiles. Not that I’m expecting anything halfway competent from this story at this point.

“Come, I will show you to your room.” She said as she turned and started heading up the stairs. We both staggered behind her, blurred images of floating objects appeared before me as we ascended the stairs. We followed the Griffin down a dimly lit hallway and stopped at the end in front of a door. With her talons, she produced a small key and unlocked the door, opening it. “Well here it is, I hope you both sleep well.” Tara said smugly as she turned and walked away.

Nora: I’d get mad at the use of the word smug, but in this case it at least kinda fits. I know I’d certainly be smug at this overblown Mary Sue making an ass out of herself.

Ert: Under normal circumstances I’d ask if LQ knew that, but I’m not in the mood to delve into the depths of her mind.

Leaning against Link, we both stumbled into the room, slamming the door shut behind us. I unbuckled my Phoenix Circles and tossed them on the floor as I plopped down onto the feather bed.

Goeth: Proper weapon maintenance, what not to do. Pretty much everything she does.

Looking blearily up at Link, I traced my fingertips across the empty spot next to me. “Come to bed love, lie down with me.” I slurred seductively. Taking his sword and throwing it on the table, he slinked into the bed next to me and pulled the sheet up over us. I went into his warm muscular arms and laid my head against his chest, my fingers tracing meaningless patterns over his stomach. I listened to the beating of his heart as he gentle broad hand stroked my hair. Images of blissful memories filled into my mind as I closed my eyes and drifted into another world–a world of unicorns and small creatures who lifted me up and ran away with me…..

Ert: Ugh. For fuck’s sake. As if this story couldn’t get anymore sappy. Black and white morality, a severe lack of threats, everyone loves the main hero, she has constant sex, her life is unrealistically ideal, and now that? I know that this is based on LQ’s dreams, but LQ’s dreams seem to be utterly boring. And self serving now that I think about it.

Nora: And we got a novella’s worth of her drek.

Ert: Sorry guys. I’m still not feeling very inspired and I’m mainly getting through this to finish My Inner Life before I take my hiatus. Also this chapter is still stupidly long, and this is just a good place to stop. So, hopefully, we’ll finish up this chapter next time.

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52 Comments on “1628: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 3”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Did you do it my friend?” Nodding, tears began to well up in my eyes as I watched his falter. “Dalamar…don’t you dare leave me!” I cried as my hands grabbed down on the feathers around his neck. “I’m fine, m’ lady, just…tired.” Dalamar replied his voice raspy and stuttered.
    “Where’s Link Dalamar, what did you do with him!?” I cried again, yanking on his white feathers.

    “Ooohhhh! Please, don’t leave me…” … “Where’s my husbando?? TALK, DAMMIT!”

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    I slowly rose from my place by the now doused fire and walked over to where Link was resting and rustled him awake. I greeted him with a gentle kiss to the lips and a few soft words before giving him some herbs to help him feel better.

    Oh, so she’s not going to just fuck him?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I wouldn’t even doubt it if they are looking for us now.” Dalamar looked skyward, his nostrils flaring as his face filled with concern.

    Wait, what nostrils? Doesn’t he have a beak??

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Now with the threat of Ariakas and his Draconians, the Council elders have sealed off their borders to human access and have deemed all Griffins denied access past Dragonmount.

    Goeth: They’re stupid like that. When they’re threatened from one side, they fortify the other side from the people who haven’t bothered them in a long time, and really are no worse than they are.

    So… they’re implementing American foreign policy?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    My eyes just stared transfixed as we walked threw the streets,

    SC! Look out!!

    **CRUNCH**

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Then we finally reached the inn, the sign on the front read The Griffin’s Vineyard.

    Just like all of those inns in Hyrule that have “Hylian” in their names so that people know they are for Hylians and not other creatures.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Link went inside to fetch a stable hand to take our horses to the stable.

    Why are there stables if griffins are xenophobic and do not use mounts?

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    a slender tan female Griffin

    How does Jenna know it’s a female? They’re griffins– it’s not like they have a lot of readily observable sex characteristics.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Oh and Innkeeper, bring us a jug or your best ale, I think we both need a good drink this night.” Link added nonchalantly, as he unfastened his scabbard from his back and laid it next to him, his hand resting gently on the hilt.

    I’m not going to, you know, pay you or anything…

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    “And even those damn Dark Knights, with their twisted laughs, and that devilish black armor they wore,” Shivers started to run up my spine, as my skin suddenly seemed to turn cold. “I never thought in all my days I would encounter something as evil as them.”

    Nora: Oh come on, you could’ve crammed five uses of the word dark into that sentence.

    “And even those damn Dark Knights, with their dark, twisted laughs, and that dark, devilish black armor they wore,” Dark shivers started to run darkly up my dark spine, as my dark skin suddenly seemed to turn cold and dark. “I never thought in all my dark days I would encounter something as dark evil as them.”

    Nine, actually.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    I peered into the mug before lifting it to my lips and drinking the concoction that was within it. Lowering the mug back to the table I smiled at Link. “Mmm…you were right love, this stuff is great.” I said pleasantly.

    It has no other defining qualities that could be used to describe it, though, but it sure is great!

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    We just sat there and reveled in the Griffin Spice, drinking the entire jug then calling for seconds.

    Griffin Waitstaff: “That was supposed to last you through the night!”

  13. BatJamags says:

    then proceeded to pack the blanket tolls

    Alright, it’s time to crawl into bed, and-

    Blanket Toll: That’ll be five dollars, sir.

  14. BatJamags says:

    Goeth: They may have used mildly rude terms to describe us.

    Ooh, I’m triggered just by the thought of it!

  15. BatJamags says:

    “It would be wise if we stay at least one step ahead of them.” “Prevent them from ever catching up to us.”

    Look! Down in that inexplicably black desert! It’s a “griffin!” It’s an idiot! It’s…

    CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!

  16. BatJamags says:

    Nora: We know that Gorons built their city in a mountain, but they, you know, built it IN the mountain. Since we’re talking about Griffins, a species that would ideally want an open sky above them, it sounds like they built it ON the mountain.

    Now, normally, that would actually be very smart, especially if the mountain is more like a mesa with a flat top. It would be difficult for potential invaders to reach while allowing easy access for the Gryphons (God, it took me way too long to figure out how that’s spelled).

    The problem is, their main enemies are dragons. Who can also fly. Which makes a mountain city a wide-open target. In fact, that’s probably how they took the city from the dragons in the first place, so they should’ve known better than to actually build their own stuff there.

  17. BatJamags says:

    Ert: And Jenna can tell which buildings are which because of course she can.

    If we’re going with this being medieval-ish, the buildings would probably have signs representing what sort of establishment they are, since most people in the Middle Ages were illiterate. A sign with a mug of frothy liquid depicted on it, for example, would be pretty hard to misidentify.

  18. BatJamags says:

    The Griffin Council was founded during the time of the Great War

    WWI happened in Hyrule too?

  19. BatJamags says:

    I felt Link’s other hand clasp over mine as he held in within his warm palms, his fingers curling around mine. “Now I’m worried just how far this might go, those dark bastards have harnessed the powers of the dragons, and with that much power, they just might be a worse threat then Gannondorf ever was.”

    No.

    I darkly felt Link’s other dark hand darkly clasp over mine as he darkly held in within his darkly warm dark palms, his dark fingers darkly curling around mine. “Now I’m darkly worried just how dark and far this might darkly go, those darkly dark bastards have darkly harnessed the dark powers of the dark dragons, and with that much dark power, they just might darkly be a worse dark threat then dark Gannondorf ever darkly was.”

    Yes.

    • BatJamags says:

      Ow, my formatting. I think I forgot to close the first blockquote.

    • Delta XIII says:

      So much darkness! Is this Kingdom Hearts now?!

    • agigabyte says:

      DarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDarkDark

      I think I just broke everything.

  20. BatJamags says:

    Soon after, we were falling slouched in our chairs, the ale had gone to our heads. “Link….I thhiink it’s time to go to bbedd.” I said in a slurred tone. Nodding, his eyes blurry, he got up, staggered over to the innkeeper and pounded his fist on the counter. “Innkeep……mmyy wife and I will go to ourrr rrrooms now.” Link slurred loudly. “Hmmm I see that you’ve had too much to drink, I will have Tara show you to your room.” The Griffin added, a slight grin upon her beaked face.

    Alcoholism is funny.

    • BatJamags says:

      I really didn’t mean to put such a massive image there, but I suppose it emphasizes the sarcasm.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Technically alcoholism is a much different thing to getting drunk. Alcoholism is a constant desire to consume alcohol in excess over protracted periods of time, often in response to other psychological factors such as depression.

      There’s a few alcoholics in my family so I’ve had to lay some strict ground-rules for myself so far as getting inebriated goes. Only drink in safe company, never on a work night, and never before 5pm. That said, I’ve been roaring drunk a handful of times in my life without breaking those rules and without allowing it to be habitual.

      That said, I don’t recommend getting drunk. Tipsy can be fun, but roaring drunk tends to end poorly in one way or another.

      • GhostCat says:

        I tend to avoid drinking all together, partially due to a family history of drinking problems and partially because of my laughably low tolerance. For me the difference between “pleasantly tipsy” and “obnoxiously drunk” can be as little as half a glass of wine.

      • BatJamags says:

        Yeah, probably should’ve been more precise about that. I tend to think more about the meter of the joke than whether it makes sense.

        At the moment, I’m too young to drink, so I can’t say I share those experiences. In general, though, I enjoy thinking clearly, so I never got the appeal of inebriation.

  21. Leider Hosen says:

    then proceeded to pack the blanket tolls

    Hyrule enforces a strict taxation on the use of unsanctioned blankets in the wild.

  22. Leider Hosen says:

    Goeth: It’s ironic. LQ’s annotations are actually making this story worse. If they hadn’t been in, the villains would’ve been generic and one dimensional, but they would’ve been villains. The annotations, however, turned the dragons into tragic victims who were forced into becoming villains. But LQ doesn’t seem to care about her own annotations. She just wrote them up and then made dragons evil and shallow bad guys.

    Abrelepine: The life of a tragic villain in the hands of an idiot is true perdition. First a life of misery, then not even the satisfaction of maiming a few heroes because plot, and then if that weren’t enough the heroes get all self-righteous about it. Moments like this make me wonder why I’m not out killing somebody right now.

  23. Leider Hosen says:

    Goeth: *Sips it.* And…yup, time is bending before me.

    Abrelepine: It did what now? Would you kindly-

    Hosen: NOPE

  24. Leider Hosen says:

    Lifting the mug to his lips, Link took a long pull of the Griffin Spice then thumped the mug back down on the table. “Ah that’s invigorating.” He said smugly as he slid my mug back to me. “Drink up my love, it will help you.”

    Calling it right now: This entire “emotional exchange” is just going to set-up Link and Jenna for post-near-death-experience coitus.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      Awwwww now I’ll never know if there is coitus! All we have is cuddles.

      And by that I mean I 100% fucking called it, since that’s obviously what’s about to happen. Not that it was hard considering that’s been the effect of every “drama” thus far.

  25. TacoMagic says:

    It reminds me of how we occasionally see reviews that say that they’re hesitant to call stories bad at characterization. I agree with it, because most bad stories are actually quite good at characterization. They just don’t characterize their characters the way authors think that they do.

    I look at it from the standpoint that if all the characterization that’s happening is unintended, that’s still being bad at characterization. Something done improperly is often worse than doing nothing at all, so “bad characterization” is more diverse a criticism than there just a lack of it. In my mind, being good at characterization requires that the intended characterization be the thing that comes through. Most bad stories fail on this point, so I don’t feel any qualms calling the characterization bad. Still, being more specific as to why it’s bad is necessary in most cases since “the characterization is bad” is not terribly helpful unqualified.

    Eighth Spirit is a good example of this. There was so much supporting characterization that the main character was a self-important, sexist moron that if the author had been trying to make the character that way it would have been good characterization. The fact that he was trying to be portray that character as a intelligent hero makes it supportable that the characterization is bad.

    In the case of this fic, the attempt is to paint the characters as caring, benevolent, and sympathetic, but the fact that most of the characterization paints them as self-absorbed and racist is just bad characterization at work. It’s the dissonance between the showing and the telling that makes the characterization bad, not the lack of defining characteristics.

    • GhostCat says:

      A more recent example would be Slendpai – the author likely didn’t intend to make him into a creepy stalker (and possible pedophile) who was unnaturally obsessed with Thaddeus, but that’s how the character came across.

  26. TacoMagic says:

    Taking the reins of our horses in his talons, he led them to the back of the inn and into the stables.

    Because, despite the griffins distrusting humans and not wanting them inside their borders, each of their inns comes equipped with a stable just in case humans show up.


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