1624: The Savior – Chapter Three

Title: The Savior
Author:
bubbersgod
Media: 
Video Game
Topic:
 Dark Souls
Genre:
Romance/Adventure
URL:
Chapter Three
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

!!Warning!! Potential Rape Triggers. There is nothing explicit yet but anybody touchy about that should definitely be prepared to skim read. This Riff has officially reached NSFW territory.

And we’re back with another installment of The Savior. In case you weren’t here for last time’s shenanigans, here’s what you missed:

The author used his vast powers over the English language to tell us that Savior Stu is indeed the savior Lordran needs, and is vastly more special and better than all those other silly undead, including Sunbro Solaire, who would have stolen Savior Stu’s thunder thus was deleted from the fic entirely. This right after Savior Stu rescued a beloved canon character from his early demise, only for him to be offed one sentence later due to Savior Stu’s blinding idiocy.

We also saw Savior Stu engage in several harrowing battles, so harrowing in fact they could not be written at all and the very author himself had to tell us of them secondhand!

All these voids of nothing, and yet somehow I had so much to complain about, as we are truly working with a literary genius in fail.

To help keep me sane and offer his expert council, I have invited a very special guest to assist me in the following chapters.

-Off to the left a figure looking roughly 19 years of age puts his head in his hands, his expression faintly amused but mostly neutral. His skin is sickly with dark lines under his eyes, which are cat-like with rust-colored irises and a slit pupil that branches out on either side like tree branches. His hair is frayed, shoulder length, and sand colored, contrasting sharply against his crimson greatcoat with gold buttons-

Abrelepine: Hello. It’s good to finally come down off the rubbish heap after all these months.

Abrelepine Cord was the main antagonist of my first attempt at original fiction, which coincidentally I was working on at around the same time as I read this fiction. He’s grown a tremendous amount since his conception, though his personality is the same. He’s essentially my vision of pure evil, the result of nature vs nurture if “nature” was “bloodthirsty psychopath” and “nurture” was “driven to insanity, lost everything, and was abused by a corrupt religious institution”.

He’s an ultra-intelligent, ultra-violent psychopath, albeit with complex motives and personality-

Abrelepine: What was that you said about “show, don’t tell”, darling. You seem pretty fond of making facetious comments towards bubbers about it, yet here you are rattling endlessly about my own past. I was always your favorite <3

…I also made him entirely too Meta for his own good.

Abrelepine: You need my remarks on the nature of good and evil. That is the primary point of my existence, and you did love to write those.

Right you are! Now, let’s get started.

Chapter 3 Blight Town, the first to be saved

Abrelepine: I don’t know what “Blight Town” is, but I’m guessing by the name “saving it” would be an endeavor.

It’s literally an open sewer for the entire kingdom of Lordran. The majority of the land is dominated by a bog made of raw sewage, and is overrun by disease so potent everyone who lives there is mutated. It’s where the undesirables and criminals of the kingdom are forced to live.

Abrelepine: *snerk* I can’t wait to see this novice contrive a way to “save” it within this century.

…Are you reading my mind to get inside info on the fic early?

Abrelepine: You wrote me, you already know.

This was a bad idea.

He had to cover his nose even nearing the short cut to Blight Town. The smell of the famed Blight Town was like that of garbage and shit mixed in a bowl made of a rotting rats innards.

What’s this? A coherent description that actually makes perfect sense, oh happy day! All is right with the world and the Lord of Sunlight yet lives!

He opened the gate and moved carefully across the small bridge leading to Blight Town. He found an infested troll, they where not cursed but violent in nature especially to anything clean and meaty. He offered them some boar meat and cured them of their Blight poisoning.

Abrelepine: If they were violent in nature and had to be bribed with food, why did you even bother purging their illness? They are obviously savages living in a putrid environment with no place in civilization, so your “good” gesture is effectively a waste of perfectly good magic since they’ll just get sick again.

Because altruism, no matter how ultimately pointless it is.

“So this is the first land touched by the Grave Lord Nito!” The savior spoke out while looking down on the filth of this cursed place. Only he possessed the power to purge this fester on the land, and he planned to after ringing the bell.

What?

papanito

I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over BULLSHIT. For the uninitiated, Papa Nito is The First of the Dead, one of the Four Lords, and the god of death and disease. He may or may not be a lich and have created the Darksign, but he is definitely neutral.

Nito lives to feed on death and balance the world, and even then he acts via a rather nasty plague of nigh-invincible Black Phantoms that appear in great numbers when unleashed by his servants. The only time in history where he used disease itself as a weapon was in the war against the dragons, when three of the Four Lords, plus Seathe the Scaleless, were united in taking over the world.

Nowadays, he just chills in his coffin until the Chosen Undead hunts him down and kills him for his Lord Soul. After all, when you’re the immortal embodiment of death itself, what use is getting caught up in politics?

Abrelepine: An open latrine is filled with disease you say? It must be the work of the evil god of death! Even though Death is by far the least evil thing there is. This cleric is among the many brainless sheep roving the world.

Oh no, he’s a necromancer, only he doesn’t manipulate death because he’s a Stu!

Abrelepine: Ha. Haha. HeheheheMuahahahahahhaahaha.

My sentiments exactly.

Not My Dark Souls: 11

He made way past strange spiders and mosquito’s the size of small dog’s that have been mutated by the towns aura of horrid corruption. He found a webbed opening to the bell and made his way in. A large webbed room waited past a couple strange egg burdened undead whom did not wish to be cured by the savior even though he offered and was well capable of doing so with his gauntlets.

Abrelepine: What’s that? The culture of the native population demands sacrifice of the body? How long until this “Savior” imposes his will on them and “cures” them anyway?

End of the chapter.

Abrelepine: Of course. And also, could the author please clarify if there was webbing? I couldn’t tell with it being the webbed opening in the webbed hill to a webbed room, and no other details given.

Shhh!

 [Blaring Alarm Blares Blaringly] –In the hall, numerous footsteps of numerous personnel run down the hall in great numbers-

You just had to say something. Wait… you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Abrelepine: What did you expect? You haven’t so much as referenced me on many months. I’m terribly bored and in need of amusement right now.

-Abrelepine gets up, lightly smiling as he strides to the door and lets himself out, several giggles audible as the door creeps shut-

I’m just going to put on some happy music and not imagine what he’s doing behind that door right now.

-::Insert happy music here::-

-Abrelepine comes back in with a heavy blush, shaky hands, and copious amounts of blood-

…What was I thinking creating you?

Abrelepine: That humanity needs to be less coy about the ever present desire for murder, and within even the sweetest hearts is an abyss of blackness and pain.

Oh yeah, I forgot I was an Edgelord supreme back then.

A large spider demon with a topless beauty attache to it made its way in the room as soon as he set foot in it. She licked her lips and pulled out her sword. As she charged him he stood in awe. She was beautiful! But why must she be stuck with such a terrible disfigurement? He would save her he decided but didn’t even notice her hostility until she rushed him from afar.

Abrelepine: *snerk* I would not marvel at the beauty of my opponent unless I was certain I could win with minimal effort. Sexual attraction is a fatal distraction in battle.

On one hand he is a Stu, on the other hand the person he’s describing is the daemonic child of one of the most powerful figures in the Dark Souls universe: Chaos Witch Quelaag, one of seven Daughters of Chaos.

quelaag_full

Her mom played god and tried to create a second First Flame in her image. Now, it was believed for the longest time that she failed and accidentally created demons when she tried to replace the First Flame. There is now strong, highly intricate evidence the community assumption was false, and the Flame of Chaos, and the birth of the Chaos Demons, was intentional.

The Witch of Izalith and (most) of her daughters became so powerful merging with the Chaos Demons to ascend to a higher plane of being, and Izalith became such a mighty nation of demons, Gwyn himself declared them a threat to Anor Londo and tried and failed to conquer Izalith when the Witch went nuts.

Abrelepine: So unless Savior Stu is in absolutely top form, he’s a dead man.

Dead. Burned to cinders. Soul fed to Quelaag’s sister.

He got angry and shouted at her, “STOP!” She did about halfway on her way to him. This confused her, usually people attacked her so she would just kill anybody from now on in order to obtain Humanity witch seemed to ease the pain of her dying sister, but this man yelled instead of fleeing or fighting.

Abrelepine: “Then the demigoddess, master of demons and hellfire, smirked at the fool’s lustful gaze and incinerated him to dust on the spot since he generously provided her with a stationary target, claiming his soul for her own.”

I wish. We all do.

She yelled back, “What business do you have here mortal!” He responded, “I am the Savior! I wish only to ring the bell, then save this land!” The Woman laughed hard after his words. “How do you, a human mortal plan to do that? How could you reverse the miasma of Nito when we, powerful witches could not after so many years?”

Abrelepine: Getting past the clear bias towards liches like myself, and assuming the plague was the will of a god… how does a necromancer which cannot even necromancy intend to reverse a divine plague? I am the greatest of all Black Magicians and believe me it takes a significant amount of effort to reverse divine will.

He’s a Stu, that’s how.

He held out his gauntlet clad hands and said, “With these fair lady! With these!” She Recognized them. Hope finally made its way to her.

*snerk* His gauntlets are a fair lady?

Abrelepine: I’m not the only Lich in this room. He does consume souls and bend them to his will, therefore he must have taken a few and put them in his McGuffins to grant them power, that or they already had a soul composing their core.

Deepest Lore.

Literary Genius: 3

She, without hesitation showed him to the bell on one condition, that he save her sister. He smiled and agreed. “OK but you owe me a favor of my choice after I save you two and this land.

Abrelepine: Oh?

Yes, this is going to turn out pretty much exactly how you think it is, sadly.

Abrelepine: I can’t wait to see this “noble” man’s treatment of these women. He fancies himself a hero.

She agreed, expecting to shrug off this promise after he failed to meet the impossible requirements he set for it. But she had no idea just how powerful these gauntlets where, hell nobody did not even their wielder. He walked up to the lever and pulled it ringing the bell. In the distance sens fortress was being opened by an awoken giant.

Abrelepine: For being a deity this woman is stupid. You hold the power in this arrangement, and you allowed him to get what he wanted. He does not require an additional favor from you and could leave if he so chose. Additionally, you gave him the promise of some undefined extra favor investing in his failure at fulfilling your task. If you had any smarts, you would get everything you wanted first then incinerate him dust.

He turned to the women and requested she show him to her sister. She did and he cried at the sight of her. She was so pale and sickly from consuming the blight puss that plagued the citizens of these lands. She was beautiful as well.

Abrelepine: *snerk* Yes. When I behold someone who’s deathly ill I make sure to check how attractive they are before applying my medicine.

He raised his hand to her while kneeling on his left knee. She spoke out, “Sister is that you?” White streams slowly flowed out of the gauntlet in front of her. They made no noise but as they flowed color returned to her human body. The women he met first began to weep in joy. “Sister why are you crying?” The savior replying to her first question he answered, “Open your eyes and see for your self!” She looked up saying, “But I can’t see strange…” Tears ran down her eyes as she saw a scary hooded man kneeling before her, but this is not what made her cry, but the sight of her beloved sisters face.

And to the surprise of no-one, the Deus Ex Machina machined her back to health.

The two hugged and talked for a minute,

Abrelepine: A minute? A paltry one-minute? If Nina recovered from her disease before my eyes, it would not break my embrace for hours. Your fucking sister broke from the grip of death, show some care! And why is this dialogue not even shown, this is bullshit!

I feel you.

they thanked him, and he cleared his throat to speak. “You should save your thanks as I have yet to fulfill my promise. After I save you two and this land you may repay me via the (Cough) favor I requested. No mater what the favor may be you must comply.”

Abrelepine: Oh Hells, can you wait a moment? Were this well written this would be a deep and impactful moment! It’s important to allow trauma between couples and families to work its course before getting demanding.

The two didn’t understand what they could to for him or what he meant by saving them, as they both seemed to be fine and well aside from one sisters giant spiders mutations. They asked his favor. “What could we possibly help you with Savior? Do you require aid in combat? Or is it knowledge you seek?” He pulled his hood up to cover his face so they wouldn’t see how red his face was asking for such a despicable thing.

Abrelepine: Nooo if you planned to fuck them from the start don’t get all coy about it now. Either be a good person or a despicable one, embrace one and be content, I cannot stand all these self-righteous hypocrites who try to feign morals when it is so obvious they have none. Also, you are speaking to a goddess of flame, here is a novel concept: Enlist their help or learn their techniques. Why would you trade a gift of knowledge that would last forever and better equip you versus your enemies for a few minutes of sex, when you can get that anywhere else? You are the poorest excuse for a Black Magician I have ever seen!

It’s a sad day when you are right.

“I have been traveling for a long time now. Only recently have I gained the curse required to wield these famed gauntlets. But I still have cravings as any other man does. You two are the most beautiful women I have laid eyes on, all I wish is to make love to you both. If you agree to satisfy my painful urge, I will purge this land of it’s horrible state, and I will return you two back to normal, no spider monarch body.”

Abrelepine: didn’t you say they chose to be this way?

Yup.

Abrelepine: so he is forcing them to choose between keeping their daemonic form and powers, and the safety of their people?

Assuming Blighttown was their land and not, you know, Izalith their home kingdom full of the demons they rule over,

Not My Dark Souls: 12

Yes. He is facing them with an ultimatum for sex. And yes, the “incinerate to dust” option should be used when he fixes Blighttown.

The two whispered for a moment. This had to be the only chance they had to gain such things, so they agreed in hopes that he could do as he claimed, but not looking forward to selling their bodies for such. Still the pro’s out weighed the Con’s.

The pros outweighed the cons?

Abrelepine: The pros outweighed the cons? Yes, because when a woman is forced to fuck a man due to extending circumstances, it’s still consent, the pros just outweighed the cons. Like when Marcia didn’t bow for the headmaster, the cons must have outweighed the pros. And then when he framed her brother and she took the fall in his place, the pros outweighed the cons. And when she was put to death… oh well she should have made living to be with me a pro, shouldn’t she! Then it would have been just fine right!? -Black vines of fire and death erupt from Black Magician, the windows thrumming with psychic energy-

Hold on! Patience, we need to finish the Riff!

Abrelepine: -Grrrrrraarrrugh

Can I just suggest something?

-Moments later, a lone, flaming table explodes against the wall at approximately 18m/s, several knickknacks and breakables dashing against the panels and falling to the floor in pieces alongside all the sprinters-

Abrelepine: I feel oddly relaxed. What do you call this practice? Vaulting heavy furniture a great distance for sport and pleasure?

That would be a tableflip.

Abrelepine: I must keep a table to flip in the future.

“YES!” The two said out loud in unison with a serious tone, excepting the deal.

Abrelepine: *snerk* You accepted everything except the deal? So your home was remedied, you returned to your original form, than you ripped this twathead’s arm off and beat him to death with it? Now you’re using your brain!

Literary Genius: 4

First he held both hands out to the sisters. Two demon souls broke in the glove and streamed white lines into the two sisters. He was on both of his feet at this point. This kept on for some time and soon pain shown on his face. The two spider bodies began to fade but now he fell to one knee. His eyes, mouth, and nose began to bleed. His body was becoming the medium for this casting but he was having trouble controlling or handling it at this level yet. But the two where normal, on two beautiful thin curvy legs. They where still naked and hid the fact with their hands while weeping in delight not noticing the pain being inflicted to the Savior because of his hood hiding his face. He was breathing heavy and steam rose from his hands that where now permanently burned to the gauntlets.

“This is the worst pain I have ever felt!”

Abrelepine: “Oh sister, I’m so happy to see you!”

“I am literally on fire! On fucking fire, by blood is flying everywhere!”

Abrelepine: “Really? I can’t tell since you hid your face. Also why are we hiding our bodies if we’ve been topless for a thousand years?”

“Urrrrrrrrrrrgh!”

Literary Genius: 5

He did’t cry in pain, but delight that he could save these two beauties.

Abrelepine: You are exploiting them for sex, so shut the fuck up you sleazy bag of severed dicks.

Soon he would save their land and would be able to lay with two beauties as his prize. He stood back up and the two looked at him now. They asked if he was alright but he lied and said yes.

Abrelepine: “Mister Savior you are shooting boiling blood onto my midriff from fifteen feet away and you skin is smoking like a cheap cigar, are you okay?”

Urrrahahaahahhfahhdhag I mean, I am totally fine! Oh it burns, it burrrrrrrns!

Literary Genius: 6

The pale sister covered her mouth and shed tears noticing the blood and smoke. “OH HEAVENS NO! YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYMORE STOP!” He choked up a small puddle of blood and rose a hand waving it’s still steaming and shaking with pain structure at her to silence her.

“Tis but a flesh wound!” Also, he turned the concept of pain into a solid structure and threw it at her to silence her? That’s a pretty dick move.

Abrelepine: Yes…. Oh yes this is beautiful.

Want some popcorn?

“I have not fulfilled my promise, and I want my promised favor!”

Abrelepine: I can see the story now: “Local Man Burns Himself to Death for Sexual Favor.” Good luck finding gratification when you’re permanently afflicted by burning wounds, if you live that is. I can reconstitute my entire body at will, you can’t.

Years come and go but stupidity is forever.

The pale sister screamed that she would let him take her right now if he stopped, but he wasn’t just doing this all for a quick selfish desire of lust, but for love of this land an longing to Save. To save more than these two but the land itself. He turned around and raised his arms again with thicker more violent looking white lines pouring out faster than previously.

Yeah, whatever you say author.

Abrelepine: And the spell which is clearly about to kill you due to the sheer stress on your body is getting more powerful you say? Yes, that is entirely possible, especially by offering your body and soul, but I hope you realize you are dead. There will not be a soul left by the time this incantation is over. Which reminds me, what does he plan to accomplish? My math is correct, he has one soul left to burn. It took one entire soul per Daughter of Chaos to undo their transformation, so what does he plan to do with one?”

Just watch.

His last demon soul burst in his gauntlets and restored the land. The land once known as “Light Land” because even as deep as it was you could once still see the sun shine even beneath the massive trees covering it.

And… yep, there is now a shark sailing through the vacuum of space so fast the next planet it runs into is going to face an extinction level impact.

This moment. This one right here, is what made the fic permanently embed itself in my head. Not only for trying to claim that Blighttown, the prison colony, had a name as fucking saccharine as “Light Land” and was a paradise,

Not My Dark Souls: 13

But that Savior Stu was able to, over the span of one sentence, turn a literal open toilet into a mystical paradise with one soul. Not even a Lord Soul, but the soul of a lesser demon, and he terraformed a massive area to the point of unrecognizable. At this moment, all bets are off.

Those hollows he couldn’t save? Totally could have saved them. Oscar? Totally could have brought him back to life Lazarus style. I bet he could also piss the fountain of youth and shit tulips, because he is so fucking overpowered he can do anything now. You win author. You have officially made your Stu clearly better than the Chosen Undead.

Here’s the issue.

I don’t fucking care. Your SI is a fucking spoiled brat, and is making the world bend over for him while trying to claim he is oh so noble because you want it both ways, because writing a realistic story is hard and stuff and it would kill your boner.

In fact, let’s look at what your character has done: He got Oscar killed, he ignored all the other canon characters since they haven’t been mentioned outside the Daughters of Chaos and Oscar, he left the most kind and benevolent man in Soulsbourne in the dust without even glancing at him, he’s forcing two girls to have sex with him after leveraging them with his Stu powers, he transformed them against their will so they would better fit his sexual appetites, and he’s been a smug prick in almost every scene he’s been in, EXCEPT when he was trying to get on the sisters’ good side so they can have sex with him!

Your character is at the best a walking disaster area who’s going to kill everyone with the sheer force of his negligence and blindness to reality, and at the worst he’s a complete monster!

Also, you talk about what a paradise Blighttown is thanks to your Stu, well, aren’t you forgetting something??

ASH LAKE!

For those of you who don’t know, and clearly can’t count on this author to show it, Ash Lake is hands down the most majestic, breathtaking map in Dark Souls, and in the top ten for the entire series. It is an absolute bitch to get to because it is incredibly hidden and gated behind a long jumping puzzle that takes you deep beneath Blighttown.

Stepping into Ash Lake for the very first time, especially if you somehow were that one in a billion who found it with no walkthroughs or guides, is an unforgettable experience. The gorgeous ambient theme, the lush colors, and the sweeping vista that seems to stretch on forever combine to create an amazing level of atmosphere, especially when you find such beauty beneath the ugliest map in the game.

It’s not only how it looks that makes it so impactful, it is what it stands for. At the prologue, you see the world of the dragons getting destroyed by the Lords so they could build their own world on its remnants. Ash Lake is those remnants, you can even find one of the last living ancient dragons nestled down there.

Despite the beauty, it fills you with a deep melancholy, namely due to the profound sense of emptiness that seems to pervade the area. But enough about that, Light Land is where it’s at!

Not My Dark Souls: 14

*whew* I let the rage out. It seems even Dark Souls fanfics are built to make you mad. I’m going to store this passage as well.

-Leider Hosen realizes something is missing, and sees Abrelepine is not in his chair-

Please tell me my rabid villain character isn’t on a rampage. I just got here and that would leave a very poor impression.

-Leider Hosen runs out the door, but comes back a few minutes later-

Okay, he’s just flipping every table in sight with his tentacles and screaming incoherently. Considering he seems to have wandered into a storeroom completely full of tables, and he has OP reality warping powers that can fix anything he breaks in an instant, I think I’ll just let this problem work itself out.

I guess it could be worse.

The sisters marveled at the beauty of the land. The citizens where in awe as well, they where all saved from the miasma of Nito.

That’s Papa Nito to you!

No more disease, no more rot, no more blight.

Until every sewer in Lordran backs up because the pipes are full of trees and shit.

The sisters turned to a horrifying sight. The savior was standing still with his arms draped down. He was still standing, but at this point in a pool of his own blood. The pale sister screamed and tried to heal him. It worked but he remained unconscious.

Sister used thing! It was effective!

The two knew now that he more than deserved a reward far more than a night of lustful sex with two women, but that was the promise. And that is what he would get, with no fuss, and with great effort on their part to compensate for the amount of pain he went through to save them.

Chapter 4 The Saviors reward

-Hosen flips a table at the fic, hitting it in the face with Mach speed furniture and exploding it to bits – Well, would you look at the time! I guess we’ll just have to get to the poorly written porn next installment after I get this piece of shit to the respawn chambers… as soon as I find them. Now, I have a rabid OC to chaperone. As it is, there’s going to be a hell of a table shortage very soon.

Goodbye, so long, Vereor Nox!

Advertisements

41 Comments on “1624: The Savior – Chapter Three”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    A large spider demon with a topless beauty attache to it made its way in the room

    He’s being attacked by a spider with a topless, beautiful briefcase?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    She yelled back, “What business do you have here mortal!” He responded, “I am the Savior! I wish only to ring the bell, then save this land!” The Woman laughed hard after his words. “How do you, a human mortal plan to do that? How could you reverse the miasma of Nito when we, powerful witches could not after so many years?”
    He held out his gauntlet clad hands and said, “With these fair lady! With these!” She Recognized them. Hope finally made its way to her.

    You know, at first I thought capitalizing “woman” was a sign the author was some new breed of fedora-tipper, but I guess he’s just another one of those poor slobs who capitalize random Words with no rhyme or Reason.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    You two are the most beautiful women I have laid eyes on, all I wish is to make love to you both. If you agree to satisfy my painful urge, I will purge this land of it’s horrible state, and I will return you two back to normal, no spider monarch body.”

    So he’s going to make their lower halves stop being spiders… after he fucks them.

    Does anybody else see the problem with this?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    But the two where normal, on two beautiful thin curvy legs

    So, is it one leg per sister, or does one have both and the other none?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I have not fulfilled my promise, and I want my promised favor!”


    That’s about the size of it, yep.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    The two knew now that he more than deserved a reward far more than a night of lustful sex with two women, but that was the promise. And that is what he would get, with no fuss, and with great effort on their part to compensate for the amount of pain he went through to save them.

    bubbersgod?

    How the hell did you think this was a good idea?

  7. BatJamags says:

    !!Warning!! Potential Rape Triggers. There is nothing explicit yet but anybody touchy about that should definitely be prepared to skim read. This Riff has officially reached NSFW territory.

    Lovely.

  8. BatJamags says:

    Abrelepine Cord was the main antagonist of my first attempt at original fiction, which coincidentally I was working on at around the same time as I read this fiction. He’s grown a tremendous amount since his conception, though his personality is the same. He’s essentially my vision of pure evil, the result of nature vs nurture if “nature” was “bloodthirsty psychopath” and “nurture” was “driven to insanity, lost everything, and was abused by a corrupt religious institution”.

    Sounds like a swell guy.

    By the way, how do you pronounce his name? I’m reading it as “ab-RELL-lip-PEEN.”

    • Leider Hosen says:

      Abrelepine:So long as you don’t insult my finer sensibilities, I’m positively charming. Afterall, evil is more a concept than a state of being, though Hosen did try oh-so-hard to make me Edgy, Dark, and Trajik… though I fear I’ve toned down a little since then.

      And your pronunciation is just about perfect, though it’s pronounced slightly closer to “Abrel-lip-peen

  9. BatJamags says:

    “So this is the first land touched by the Grave Lord Nito!” The savior spoke out while looking down on the filth of this cursed place.

    Uh, no. I’m pretty sure it’s touched by a shitload of… well, shit.

  10. BatJamags says:

    Abrelepine: “Then the demigoddess, master of demons and hellfire, smirked at the fool’s lustful gaze and incinerated him to dust on the spot since he generously provided her with a stationary target, claiming his soul for her own.”

    *BZZZZT*

    BAAAAAAAA!

    Carlos! Cerbersheep! Give the new guest a little space, would you?

  11. BatJamags says:

    miasma of Nito

    Uh, dude? Were you even paying attention? The situation in the game is not remotely Nito’s fault. I don’t know where you’d even get that idea, other than “he’s big and has lots of skulls, so he must be bad.”

  12. BatJamags says:

    And to the surprise of no-one, the Deus Ex Machina machined her back to health.

    Much tension. Very drama.

  13. BatJamags says:

    No mater

    Yes, Mater.

  14. BatJamags says:

    “I have been traveling for a long time now. Only recently have I gained the curse required to wield these famed gauntlets. But I still have cravings as any other man does. You two are the most beautiful women I have laid eyes on, all I wish is to make love to you both. If you agree to satisfy my painful urge, I will purge this land of it’s horrible state, and I will return you two back to normal, no spider monarch body.”

    What an asshole.

  15. BatJamags says:

    demon souls

    No, that’s the other game.

  16. Syl says:

    -Off to the left a figure looking roughly 19 years of age puts his head in his hands, his expression faintly amused but mostly neutral. His skin is sickly with dark lines under his eyes, which are cat-like with rust-colored irises and a slit pupil that branches out on either side like tree branches. His hair is frayed, shoulder length, and sand colored, contrasting sharply against his crimson greatcoat with gold buttons-

    [perks up] Ooohh!

    He’s an ultra-intelligent, ultra-violent psychopath, albeit with complex motives and personality-

    I call dibs on the new guy!

    • BatJamags says:

      However this ends, it won’t be well.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      Abrelepine: So you’re this Syl I’ve heard so much about, and so flattering. I think we’re going to get along positively swimmingly.

      Hosen: Abrelepine, are you talking to Syl? I told you not to talk to Syl! Keeping you on a short leash is hard enough without you playing off Syl!!!

      Abrelepine: Noo It’s not like it’s entirely in character for me to do what I’m told not to and fraternize with a woman of such colorful personality.

      Hosen: Why did I think it was a good idea to bring you here, again?

      • Syl says:

        Shush now, we’re trying to have a conversation.

        [takes Abrelepine’s elbow] So, has anyone given you the tour? We have a commissary, the shark jump tank, the barracks, my bunk, the pillow dispensary, my bunk, and this quaint little coffee bistro that makes the best chai lattes…

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Abrelepine: Ha! The only thing I’ve been shown around for the better part of two years is the interior of the bus Hosen put me on, until he shanghaied me into this Riff. Which is about as much fun as it sounds. You may show me to any of those places in whatever order pleases you darling, then I can demonstrate some of my finer talents; like cooking, fencing, and well, whatever fancies you really <3

        Hosen: …Cthulhu is not enough to save us from the apocalypse now incoming.

      • GhostCat says:

        …I sense another Library-wide respawn in our near future.

      • Hey, leave Great Cthulhu out of this!

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    my painful urge

    Are you sure you don’t mean your Sinister urge?

  18. BatJamags says:

    And… yep, there is now a shark sailing through the vacuum of space so fast the next planet it runs into is going to face an extinction level impact.

    *Looks out window*

    Aw, poop.

  19. BatJamags says:

    But that Savior Stu was able to, over the span of one sentence, turn a literal open toilet into a mystical paradise with one soul.

    This author’s full of even more shit than Blighttown.

  20. Swenia says:

    “You should save your thanks as I have yet to fulfill my promise. After I save you two and this land you may repay me via the (Cough) favor I requested. No mater what the favor may be you must comply.”

    *Growls deeply*

    I can see that I’m not going to like where this is going. Might as well get the plasma accelerator warmed up.

    • Swenia says:

      You two are the most beautiful women I have laid eyes on, all I wish is to make love to you both. If you agree to satisfy my painful urge, I will purge this land of it’s horrible state, and I will return you two back to normal, no spider monarch body.”

      -[A scene of extremely violent plasma projection later]-

      All I want is some God damn consensual, and extremely graphic, smut.

      *Dumps her steaming rifle in the corner to cool down*

      Is that really so fucking hard to do, authors!?

  21. TacoMagic says:

    but he wasn’t just doing this all for a quick selfish desire of lust


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s