1622: Iron lady of the wonderbolts – One Shot (And an open letter to the MLP Darkfic community)

Title: Iron lady of the wonderbolts
Author: Flat spin
Media: Television
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre:  Romance/AU/”Dark”
URL: No longer available to the general public
Critiqued by Admiral Sakai

-WARNING-

This is yet another goddamn ‘fic containing potential flamebait in the form of military sexual assault and harassment. Also hazing. And drug abuse. And just plain disturbing content in the form of the murder and torture of innocent ponies for really no goddamn reason, let’s not forget that little detail… It may not be Celebrian, but it’s definitely not for the faint of heart.

Hello hello, all you patrons! No minions today as I figured the veterans needed some time off, and more to the point this was just sort of a spur-of-the-moment thing I decided to do on a whim. I know I said I was going to take a break from riffing for a while, but recent outside events have convinced me to take on at least one more ‘fic before I turn out the lights.

You see, ladies and gentlebeings of the Library, I, AdmiralSakai, am a brony.

I wasn’t so hot on the show at first- I thought it was fairly well-written and well-animated, but it was still just a kids show made to sell cheap plastic figurines, and I actually abandoned it entirely right around Season 3. Then a friend of mine (actually the same guy who has contributed to a large number of my projects as “Nick” or “Serketry”) made me sit down and watch the “Cutie Markless” duology, and I immediately fell in love with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Mostly it’s the endless conversations I have with Nick analyzing and theorizing about the bizarre (and beautifully detailed) world Equestria occupies, but I’ve also come to truly appreciate the characters as they have developed over the show’s run, and more to the point it’s just so incredibly obvious that everybody involved in the show’s production genuinely loves their creation and loves their fanbase. Have there been bad episodes? Sure. But there have also been incredible ones, episodes that show off every last bit of creativity and skill and perseverance of a really just exceptional group of people for the whole fandom to see.

And, of course, that fanbase repays all that hard work by making Gary Stu OCs and some truly godawful porn, because this is the Internet and Millennials can’t be given nice things.

Iron lady of the wonderbolts by Flat spin

Yes, it actually is capitalized like that in the title. And in the giant fucking headers the author insists on dropping on top of every single chapter. I figured I’d just cut them out and save you the trouble of looking at his mangled formatting.

Spitfire rules the wonderbolts through fear and blood.

So, she’s basically Edward-117, then?

She word is the law and who punishes those who break her law… first commander Soarin.

Uhh…. I think this is supposed to be saying that Spitfire’s word is the law and Commander Soarin punishes those who break it. That, or her word is the law and Commander Soarin is going to be punished first.

But he is slowly starting to think that Spitfires methods are way too much…

This is gonna be a 3-5 chapters long

Don’t worry, they start out short and rapidly get shorter.

and this will be rated teen for a good reason.

(Rated Teen for Violence, mature themes, implied sex and rape, slight gore and bad language.)

Actually, all of those sound like pretty fucking terrible reasons. And this should really probably be rated M.

Chapter 1 Spitfire’s word is law and it’s enforced by me

… isn’t a chapter title, it’s another goddamn summary.

”Fucking Spitfire.” Soarin mumbled as he was washing his bloody hooves in his bathroom.

… well this is off to a wonderful start.

He looked up to the mirror above the sink and saw blood stains on his uniform’s face mask. He quickly took off the uniform and threw it to the pile of dirty clothes that was in the corner of the bathroom. He scanned his body for cuts but didn’t find any.

Soon after that Soarin walked out of the bathroom and grabbed an apple cider and sat down to his bed and reviewed what he had done today…

… and legolas galloped down the hall.


Soarin!”

Yes captain Spitfire?”

I want Misty fly    

What the hell kind of name is ‘Misty Fly’, anyway?

misty

fly

You know what, I don’t even wanna know.

Wait, this is canon?

Well, I guess even the writers of MLP itself slip up sometimes?

to have an accident…  today during the show… make her an example what happens if a wonderbolt starts to slow down.”

Yes captain Spitfire.”

You know, I might just be hanging around with Gul too much, but making an example of someone and making it look like an accident seem kind of mutually exclusive.


Soarin took another sip from the bottle and thought to himself about what Spitfire had ordered him to do. He knew that Spitfire ruled the wonderbolts with an iron fist

Despite not having any fingers.

but during the last four years she had become more and more ruthless. But now after today all the ‘bolts knew that Spitfire had absolute control over them and if you went against her will… it wouldn’t end well for them. Spitfire had started to punish the team for small mistakes and for criticizing her or her methods of punishment but… this was too far… killing a team member for skipping a few practise sessions and becoming a bit rusty was just crazy.

Ok, on one hand, of course she has ‘absolute control over them’, she’s their CO. On the other hand… how does she have ‘absolute control over them’? The Wonderbolts routinely perform     maybe fifty meters from the absolute ruler of all of Equestria– are you really telling me that nopony tried to fly over to Celestia and tell her they were in danger?

I mean, sure, there are a lot of ways that cults, gangs, and other similar outfits can and do hide in plain sight like this… it’s just that Spitfire is employing absolutely none of them. Her members’ movements aren’t restricted to the degree that would make any difference (again, they routinely interact with the Princesses during shows); she doesn’t have anything ‘on’ the ponies like employment or immigration status or whatever that she could threaten to pull away from her victims should the authorities become involved (in fact, to even be in the Wonderbolts you have to be a pegasus’s pegasus with a glowing future in front of you); she doesn’t have any real way of getting to the Bolts’ families to threaten them with retribution; and instead of turning them against each other and using them as spies     her “I’ll personally kill you or have my solitary henchpony do it” strategy is just going to focus all of the fear and resentment on one target. I suppose someone could make the argument that the Wonderbolts are a ‘sacred institution’ like a sports team or church where they’re considered enough of a public fixture that the authorities might not be willing or even able to take action, but as an Equestrian government organization they’re pretty much completely accountable to the Princesses who in turn answer to basically nopony and are usually pretty proactive about dealing with threats to their citizenry.

… Or this could be another one of those ‘fics where the Princesses are aware of every single messed-up thing that goes on under their control but do nothing because they’re inexplicably evil or whatever.

Misty Fly didn’t deserve death but it was now too late… and the blood was on Soarin’s hooves.

I thought the blood was on his face.


Soarin! Next turn you do it!”     Spitfire said as they were flying next to each other.

Yes captain.” Soarin answered and flew up to next Misty Fly who was about to start her turn.

Wait, wasn’t she supposed to be dead?

Or is this some sort of flashback?

And it’s still a stupid name.

As she angled her wings Soarin rammed in to her side forcing both of them into a flat spin.

Uhhh…. hi, author?

Soarin grabbed Misty Fly and forced her to face up towards him and the sky.

Ok, while aerodynamics is not my field, I did a little digging and while a flat spin is a real aviation term, I’m not sure it could really even be thought to apply to a flexible craft like a pegasus… or     how Soarin managed to flip Misty over from the usual face-down flying position pegasi have without setting them both tumbling. (I know that Equestrian physics sure as hell isn’t the same as ours, but just given how thrown and falling objects move on the show I have to assume that inertia exists in a relatively similar form.)

I mean, yeah, there might be a way to make this happen by maneuvering yourselves just     right, but in typical badfic fashion WE HAVE NO IDEA WHERE ANYPONY IS IN RELATION TO ANYPONY ELSE OR WHAT IN BLAZES IS GOING ON!!!

Soarin what are you doing! you are gonna kill us both!” Misty screamed in panic as the ground came closer by every second.

No I’m just following captain’s orders and I will only kill you.” Soarin said

“Gosh, well, that‘s reassuring…”

and braced for the impact. He hoped that Misty’s body would absorve the impact and leave him unharmed but he knew it would hurt.

THAT’S IT? THAT’S YOUR PLAN? Trying to hit the ground just hard enough for Misty to die and you not to?

For one thing, that’s not really something you can do, especially since this seems to be a     completely uncontrolled descent and we have no idea what if anything is on the ground below you. It is far more likely that either both of you will survive, or neither of you will.

For another thing, ponies are really fucking resistant to fall damage. It is entirely probable that if this was being performed at a show where you are flying at a low enough altitude for other ponies to see you it’s just not a high enough fall to be fatal, period. And that’s even assuming there isn’t some kind of safety mechanism in place to prevent exactly this sort of thing from happening to begin with.

Finallythis was being performed at a show where you are flying at a low enough altitude for other ponies to see you. And they probably had recording devices of some kind aimed at you. Meaning everypony saw you slam into her and hold her immobile as you both fell to the ground. Hell, depending on whether you guys have mics or not, they might     have even heard you confess to doing it on Captain Spitfire’s orders.

… You know, there’s a helluva lot safer way to have done this. The team is fond of those giant sweeping dives that leave them only a little ways off the ground. Don’t tackle her, just clip her wing when you’re both a meter or so up. Even RD takes a considerable distance to course-correct, so Misty’d be pretty much guaranteed to hit the ground at terminal velocity head first.


“Why did I do it!” Soarin said and threw the now empty cider bottle to the wall. He could have left Misty unharmed and instead he could have taken out Spitfire but he didn’t.

For… some reason…

A couple of the ‘bolts had tried to discharge Spitfire a couple of years ago but all of them disappeared and were never heard of again… but Soarin knew what happened to them… and were they were laying right now. He had become Spitfire’s personal puppet that she used when somepony needed to be deleted from the ‘bolts.

And I’m using you as my personal puppet whenever something needs to be deleted from     fimfiction.net.

During the last two years Soarin had killed twenty ponies that had went against Spitfire and her orders.

HOW?

Seriously, how?  Even Carl Panzram, one of the most prolific serial killers of the modern era, took eight years to hit that number. And how have you not been caught?

ESPECIALLY if all of your murders were as poorly-thought-through as that last one.

He always told himself that he was just following orders but he knew that was just an excuse that he used to convince himself that it wasn’t wrong.

Yes, that’s generally what excuses are for

He was the only pony Spitfire really trusted and he knew that she knew that he was starting to doubt her orders and leadership. But he knew everypony was trying to please the captain so most of the ‘bolts told Spitfire if somepony was criticizing her behind her back.

Ok, so apparently they are spying on each other, but I still don’t think that’d be enough to keep them in line when all they have to do is fly ten meters during a show and be perfectly safe from     Spitfire’s influence.

Actually, they don’t even have to fly ten meters to the Princesses, they can just talk to Luna in their dreams completely undetectably. She has time to repeatedly babysit the dreams of three random fillies, it’s not like she couldn’t take a few minutes to set up a tip line for two dozen scared-shitless pegasi.

Then she would just simply tell Soarin and he would take care of it… Sometimes Spitfire wanted to make the victim an example like Misty and sometimes she wanted them gone quietly. Soarin didn’t care how she wanted them dead only thing he cared was making sure he wouldn’t end up like them someday.

Thereby guaranteeing that he would end up like them someday.


Captain Spitfire! Ink spot form the hoofington post.

Ok, that was almost clever. Almost. It’d also help if Flat spin would stop his draconian strategy of capital punishment for capitalization.

any comments on Misty Fly’s tragic accident.”

Seriously, it sounds like a brand of shitty cologne!

Well we all are very devastated. She died so young but it could have been avoided.”

How?”

“Well, mostly by me not being a mindlessly destructive psychopath for no good reason…”

Well Misty wasn’t present in the training sessions and her timing was off during the whole show… that’s why Soarin crashed into her. She caused this accident with her laziness.

Ok, seriously, do the Wonderbolts not have a PR guy? When an overachieving young adult dies everyone around them is always super careful not to say anything that could possibly be construed as disparaging, especially to the press.

Hmm. Actually, she probably killed their PR guy. Never mind.

But at least she shielded Soarin from the impact even thou it costed her life.”

Because, as a canon character, he is inherently more important.

Lies… All lies. No one outside the wonderbolts knew why every now and then a ‘bolt would die and disappear.

You know, if ponies commonly die and disappear during your airshows, sooner or later you’re not going to be allowed to hold airshows any more.

Not even the royal sisters knew what was going on and no pony wanted to tell anypony fearing that Spitfire would manage to get revenge on them.

HOW? They do realize that if Celestia found out, Spitfire would have to get her ‘revenge’ past a literal fucking demigod, right?

“First commander Soarin to the captain’s office now!” Spitfire yelled through the PA system. Soarin walked out of his room fearing the worst. You never knew when a pony made his or hers last walk to the captain’s office. He walked through     the corridors and looked at the other ‘bolts who were looking at him. All of the ‘bolts knew Soarin was in Spitfire’s pocket but     they also knew that there was nothing he could do to escape from her grasp… other than death.

He walked to the admin wing of the compound and walked to the long corridor that lead to the captain’s office… most of the ‘bolts called the corridor the road to hell but to Soarin it was the corridor to his oppressor… commander… captain.

Oh, go blog about it on your Tumblr!

He walked in to Spitfires office and saw her looking at the newspaper. “Take a seat Soarin and read the front line.” Spitfire said and handed the newspaper to Soarin.

You mean… the headline?

“Newbie ‘bolt killed in an airshow.” He read out loud.

“Continue.” Spitfire said and smiled.

“Wonderbolt flyer Misty Fly was killed during a show today. She was killed in a crash with the first commander Soarin who flew into her by accident. according to Captain Spitfire of the wonderbolts the crash happened because of Misty’s bad timing during the routine…”

You know, I’d think a pony by the name of Ink Spot would at least be able to form compound sentences.

Soarin read the story but the Spitfire cut him off.

Not just any spitfire, mind you, but the Spitfire. Since apparently there’s more than one of her now.

“Good job Soarin. Now that that bitch is gone we need a new flyer.” Spitfire said and picked up a two folders from a the top draw of her desk.

“And I think you know what this means… we have to flyers in the wonderbolt academy who qualify… Fire Streak and Lightning Streak… we have only one place…”

Really? The best fake pony names you could come up are [Fire / Lightning] Streak?

That makes Misty Fly look fucking brilliant.

“Which one do you want me to take care of.” Soarin said with a could tone.

Can’t you just, you know, accept one and promise the other the next open spot or something? Because it kind of seems like you’re unnecessarily depleting your own pool of available talent here.

“This is why I trust you with jobs like these. You don’t fool around and always get the job done. Either I have done excellent job with my manipulation tactics or…” She said and leaded in to Soarin’s ear and whispered. “You are a psycho killer.”

Author’s Note:

Okaý

Yes, that right there is a fucking diacritic. Maybe Soarin should team up with the creäture from Mindless Max.

here we go another romance story with a bit different tone in it…

Boy have you got that right…

this will probably be three chapter long. the next part will be out before friday. I’m trying out some new things with this romance fic… mainly how far can i go with the teen rating…

I think we crossed that point a long time ago.

But until friday have a nice day

TWO-FACED

2face

Honestly at this point a Batman crossover would probably do this story some good.

Although really even the world’s worst detective should be more than capable of taking down Soarin without even breaking a sweat.

”So which one?” Soarin asked Spitfire.

“Lightning Streak scored lover in the final test so he dies.” Spitfire said

So he scored better than Beggar and Sinner, but didn’t quite make Winner?

and handed Soarin his folder. He opened it and saw a picture of a light blue stallion with a yellow mane.

Gosh, what an original design for a Wonderbolt.

“Make it quite. We don’t want his brother suspecting anything just yet.”

“So an accident at home?” Soarin asked.

“Suicide… overdose… get creative Soarin.”

You first, Flat spin.

Spitfire said and smiled. “Go now!”

“Yes ma’am!” Soarin yelled and stood up and saluted her.

“Good.” Spitfire said and smiled as he walked out of her office.

Soarin never liked Spitfire’s training system which she used in the wonderbolt academy. Ten ponies started and after a week of training two of the worst flyers would go home. This would continue until there were two left. Two of the best

I.e., the only two.

would take part in the final test which showed Spitfire who was ready for the team and who had to stay in the reserves for a bit longer… But usually when ponies didn’t pass the test they decided to leave the wonderbolts and join to a rival team.

Wait, what rival teams? Like, the various other towns from the Equestria Games? Because there was pretty much just Cloudsdale’s team… which was completely populated by Wonderbolts anyway because that’s where they lived.

Spitfire despised this… She got furious when her students would go and join a rival team and tell them the routine that the ‘bolts used in their shows.

You mean the routine that the ‘bolts used in front of everypony in their public shows?

 

This was why ponies who got the full wonderbolt training but still decided to leave the team and the reserves had to die… or at least that what Spitfire thought and her word is the law.

And until now nopony has noticed that the runner-up for every single Wonderbolt slot has died under suspicious circumstances?

Soarin walked in to the academy barracks that were reserved for students and future wonderbolts. He walked in to a room that was full of bunks but only two of them were in use.

“I can’t believe I got promoted in to the main team.” An orange stallion said excitedly as he finished packing his stuff.

“Yeah… well at least you got there…” Lightning Streak said.

“Oh come on. I’m sure you will make it too at some point.”

You know, a day ago I would have said that you couldn’t write a conversation this boring if you tried, but Flat spin has apparently proven me wrong.

The orange stallion said and turned to the door way which was blocked by Soarin.

“First commander Soarin!” He saluted and walked out of the room

Even though the narration just said the door was blocked.

and left the barracks leaving Soarin alone with Lighting Streak.

“So…” Soarin started and walked next to Lightning. “Are you gonna stay in the reserve and try next year.” Soarin was wishing he would decide to stay in the reserve so he wouldn’t had to kill him. “Nah… I think I might try out for other teams… I just don’t think I’m what captain Spitfire is looking for.” Lightning said and looked at Soarin.

You know, I can’t help but imagine that all of this is happening to Lightning Dawn instead of Lightning Streak.

I think I may grow to like this ‘fic after all.

“Are you sure…” Soarin asked again.

“Yeah… I better start packing… wouldn’t wanna over stay my time here.” Lightning said and turned around to face his locker. Soarin knew this was his change. He quickly grabbed lightings neck and put him into a choke hold. Lightning tried to fight out by hitting Soarin to his ribs with his elbow but Soarin kept the choke hold on until lighting wasn’t fighting anymore.

… Well that was anticlimactic.

Also a little unsure on how you accomplish a choke-hold from behind on a quadruped… I think this may be another case of an MLP author forgetting that his characters aren’t humanoid.

He laid down his body and checked his pulse… nothing. The he places an empty bottle of painkillers next to him and took out a needle from his pocked and stuck it on to lighting’s hoof emptying out into his veins.

Because the authorities will totally believe that to be his cause of death, and conclude that it had nothing at all to do with the bruises on his neck and clear signs of asphyxiation he is displaying.

After that Soarin turned around and left the barrack knowing that his job was done and it was now time for some dinner. He walked into the cafeteria and saw Fire Streak smiling and laughing with the other ‘bolts. He had no idea his brother had just died but soon he would know it…


Later that day Soarin was working out in the gym. He liked working out late in the evening because most of the ‘bolts would have already left the gym and it would have given him a lot of privacy and time to think.

He was the only pony in the gym and had been ever since he had started his work out but even he knew that it was soon time to hit the bed but before that he had to do one thing. Tell Spitfire that he had done it. He always waited a bit before rushing into her office after one of these missions.

He picked up his towel and water bottle and stated to trot towards the showers.

Oh my god this is Love of a Spartan

As he entered them he didn’t see any pony in the shower room but he had a feeling someone was watching him.

… I’ve missed you since the end of the Pastathon!

He walked up to his locker and opened it. He picked up his bottle of shampoo and threw the water bottle in to the locker.

Do we really need to be reading about this?

Then he turned around to see Fire Streak looking straight at him with an angry expression.

“You did it… didn’t you.” He said to him angrily.

Soarin is accusing Fire Streak of doing something??

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Soarin simply said and walked past him towards the     showers. But then Fire Steak tackled him to the ground.

“Don’t lie! You killed him! You were the last one to see him and I know that he would have never taken all those pills!”

Wait, what pills? I thought the painkillers were administered by injection!

… Unless they were administered by injection but intended to look like they’d been taken orally, in which case this is stupid not just because the coroner would find no evidence of pills in his stomach but also because Soarin LEFT THE SYRINGE STICKING OUT OF HIS LEG!

Fire Streak said as he pinned Soarin down. Soarin didn’t fight back knowing that if he did that both of them would be in trouble. Spitfire didn’t stand for in fighting among her ranks… even thou she was a murderous maniac who manipulated her subjects.

And even though you’re her henchpony and Fire Streak attacked you, apparently.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Soarin said again as Fire Streak was standing on top of him.

“FUCK YOU!” He said and started to pound Soarin’s head with twelve to six elbows

what.

(Twelve to six elbows implies six to twelve forelegs.)

(Twelve to six elbows implies six to twelve forelegs.)

Am I going to have to call Nina back in here to deal with this?

causing a huge cut to Soarin’s fore head.

What happened to his aft head is best left undescribed.

This wasn’t the worst beating he had taken but it still hurt like hell as the blood started to run down on his head. But the all the sudden Soarin heard the door open and he could hear hoof steps coming closer to them. Of course Fire Streak didn’t hear them because he was too busy trying to kill Soarin but then they heard a voice of authority.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUKERS!!!!!!!!”?

“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!” Spitfire yelled loudly and Fire Streak stopped his assault.

… Oh.

“Captain… I’m sorry but Soarin he…” Fire Streak started but then Spitfire cut him off.

“Shut it! I know what Soarin has done.” She said and walked next to Fire Streak and leaned in to his ear. “He is a murderer… He deserves to be dead… make sure he dies.” Spitfire said to Fire Streaks ear

But only his ear; the rest of Fire Streak was unaffected.

and gave his ear a light lick.

ew?

Soarin couldn’t believe that now Spitfire ordered somepony to kill him. After all the things he did for her she would just order some newbie to kill him. He tried to stand up but he head hurt too much and he was about to fall unconscious. Soarin always thought that he was the only pony Spitfire trusted but then again he knew she was a manipulative bitch. And if she wanted him dead now… well… her word was the law. So Soarin decided not to fight back. He had followed her orders until this point so why now go against them… She knew what was best for the team and if he was to die because of her orders then he would accept that fate. Soarin closed his eyes and just waited for the final blow.

He heard the hoof steps that were coming closer and closer. The he heard a loud sound of a glass shattering and after that a loud thump of a body hitting the marble floor of the locker room. He opened his eyes and saw Spitfire standing next to him with a broken glass bottle in her hooves

Wait, if she’s holding a broken glass bottle in her hooves, plural (as opposed to in her mouth like most non-unicorns) then how is she standing?

and behind her unconscious Fire Streak who was bleeding from his head.

“Did you really thought I would let my number one commander and serial killer die.” Spitfire smiled and laughed, Then She offered a hoof which Soarin accept it.

“Why did you do that?” Soarin asked.

Because otherwise there would be no story.

“Soarin… you have never doubted my orders… never talked bad about me… you know I do this for the greater good for the ‘bolts… you are the closest thing I’ve got to a friend.” Spitfire said with teary eyes. “I have never said this before but… I care about you… even thou both of us are     murderers and psychos I really care about you…

Ok, seriously, can this author just not spell the word ‘though’? Or is this story for some reason being narrated by Princess Luna?

you have been so loyal for me during these years. I’m not gonna stand for it if somepony tries to hurt you.” She said. Soarin had never heard her speak like this… this was what she really felt… maybe she wasn’t an oppressor and a commander for him but a handler… a protector… and Soarin was her weapon she used on others…

So, basically, their relationship hasn’t really changed at all.

“But now… make sure he feels pain…” Spitfire pointed at Fire Streak who was slowly waking up. “Don’t kill but beat him up… badly…

Make him… read “Iron lady of the wonderbolts”!

after that him take him to the auditorium… we are gonna have a team meeting there and the subject will be disloyalty.”

Which… really doesn’t have anything to do with what just happened in all but the vaguest of senses.

Spitfire said and left the room. Soarin looked at Fire Streak who was trying to stand up and walked next to him.

“You should have just stayed quiet.” Soarin said and started his assault with a strong punch to Fire Streaks body…

Author’s Note: well it seems like spitfire actually has a heart…

Umm… not really, no.

anyways next chapter should be up tomorrow and until then have a nice day headAn example for the rest of you

… of how not to write My Little Pony fanfiction?

Soarin looked at the auditorium which was almost full. All the ‘bolts from the main roster were there. Soarin looked at Spitfire who was counting the ‘bolts.

“24, 25, 26 and us plus our newbie.” Spitfire finished counting the ‘bolts

So, what I’m getting from this paragraph is that Spitfire counted the ‘bolts. Is that about right?

and started her speech. “Okay listen up! Today we had a bit of a fight in the locker room.

I thought it was in the showers? Or are they the same thing?

And you know how I feel about infighting…” The she turned to Soarin and said. “Get him.” Soarin went to the backstage and picked up Fire Streak who was crying quietly and brought him to the stage next to Spitfire. Fire Streaks legs didn’t hold up and he collapsed to the ground. “Pick him up.” Spitfire said to Soarin and Soarin grabbed Fire Streak’s mane and pulled him up.

His legs didn’t work so he was just hanging up from his mane which Soarin was pulling so hard that it made Fire Streak cry out in pain louder and louder.

Yes yes, we heard you the first time…

All the other ‘bolts just cringed as they saw all the bruises and cut which were on Fire Streak’s body.

A bunch of bruises, but apparently only one cut.

“Fire Streak here decided to arrack my first commander today… and look at him now!” Spitfire yelled. “None of you have right to put your hooves on my first commander! Do you understand!” Spitfire yelled even louder. “And now… Fire Streak…” Spitfire said as she grabbed one of his wings. “You will never touch Soarin or else.” She said and twisted his wing so hard that the bode snapped in half.

Thereby ruining yet another potential flyer. Assuming, of course, that he’d still work for you considering that you tortured him and murdered his brother.

The other ‘bolts could barely watch it happen knowing how much it hurt. Spitfire simply smiled and turned to the other ‘bolts. “Dismissed.” She said and smiled smugly as the ‘bolts quickly left the room.

Soarin dropped Fire Streak’s head and threw him on to the floor.

So apparently they decapitated him in addition to everything else.

Fire was slowly trying to crawl awy from him while crying.

“He has suffered enough.” Spitfire said and walked next to Soarin. “But his wing is gonna need to heal up before he can fly again… you know what this means.”

“We need a replacement flyer for a while.”

doublefacepalm

“Well, maybe we could get his brother, Lightning Streak.

Oh, wait…”

Soarin said and looked at Spitfire who was looking happier than normal for some reason.

“Yep… we got to candidates… both are too good to give away…

And thus the Wonderbolts remained trapped in the endless cycle of recruitment and murder until somepony finally called attention to the steady stream of pegasus corpses raining down from Cloudsdale.

I have picked Rainbow Dash to join the team but I need you to make sure that her friend Lightning Dust stays in the reserves and doesn’t jump ship to another team…” Spitfire said and brought her hoof up Soarin’s chest to his face. “She one of a kind flyer and I need you to convince her to stay with us.” Spitfire said seductively. “If you know what I mean.” She said and gave Soarin a kiss to his cheek. “I think you deserve to have some fun… Understood?”

“Yes ma’am.” Soarin said back.

You’ll notice they didn’t do this when the secondary recruit was male.

“Call me Spitfire… Soarin.” She said     and smiled. “Also don’t worry about him I’ll get him to the medical ward.”

“Okay… Spitfire.” Soarin said and smiled as he was leaving.


“I can’t believe that Spitfire picked you before me…” Lightning Dust said to Dash as they were leaving the barracks. “I mean I only did one mistake.”

You know, the one where you nearly assassinated most of the Bearers of Harmony

“Well maybe you get up there some day… who know when Spitfire comes and asks you to join the team.” Rainbow Das said

Is Rainbow Das the knockoff German version of Rainbow Dash?

as the saw a pony enter the barracks. “Looks like you are getting asked either to join the team now or you are gonna get asked for a date.” Dash joked as she saw Soarin enter the barrack.

… why would she think that? Is fraternization really that common in Cloudsdale?

“Rainbow Dash to captain’s office now!” Soarin said and watched as Dash left quickly leaving him and Lightning dust alone. “So… Are you gonna stay in the reserve or… leave.?” He asked and walked next to her.

“I dunno… this has been my dream but…. maybe there is another team that wants me.” She said and looked at the floor.

“Spitfire ordered me to make sure that you stay in the reserves.” Soarin said and grabbed one of her hoofs which made her blush red.

Bad… touch?

Ok, either there’s a lot about pony anatomy that I still don’t understand, or Lightning Dust is reading waay too much into that.

Actually, now that I think about it, just what is he grabbing her hoof with? Either he’s got his whole foreleg wrapped around hers, or he’s using his teeth.

“Y-you mean… that… we…” She stumbled to say it.

“No. I’m not suggesting that we are gonna be an item if you stay… I’m taken you see…” Soarin     said and pulled her slowly closer.

“By who?”

“By Spitfire.”

“But why would she want you to do me if you are hers?”

Why are you assuming he wants to ‘do’ you to begin with?

Did Lightning Dust read ahead in the ‘fic?

“Because she knows what’s best for the team… even thou sometimes the price is unreal

unreal

Didn’t know Spitfire had a weakness for classic games.

she want’s best for the wonderbolts… for me… and for you.” Soarin said and pulled Lighting Dust in for a deep kiss. She gladly accepted it and threw her arms around Soarin. They kissed passionately for several minutes until Soarin pulled away.

escalate

“So you gonna stay in the reserves?” Soarin said and smiled.

“Only if you promise one thing…” She said in a slutty tone

A… what now?

and licked her lips. “I want to do this again… if it’s okay with your fillyfriend.”

“I think she is gonna be okay with it as long as you are in the reserves…” Soarin said and picked up Lighting Dust and flew in to one of the punks

punks

and laid her down while kissing her neck.

“Soarin… let’s do it.” She said and smiled as Soarin laid down on top of her. “Give it all to me.”

“Oh don’t worry you are gonna get it all.” Soarin said and smiled…

Let me guess- he’s hung lik a Stallone?

Author’s Note:

This are slowly getting steamier…

Actually, I think it got ‘steamier’ very, very fast.

next chapter will be really steamy if you know what i meanface2

Oh. Goodie.

And it will be out tomorrow? maybe? until then have a nice dayhead

Sadly, we don’t get that chance.

Newbie’s ego

Gosh, I wonder who’s going to be featured in this chapter…

Soarin openned his eyes and saw the sun shine through the window in to the barrack. He looked next to him and saw Lighting Dust smiling at him.

“Well… did you like it?” She asked

NO!

and gave him a kiss.

Soarin simply smiled and stood up from the bed. “Are you gonna stay in the reserve?”

Stop asking that question! It’s not like her answer’s going to change in the five minutes since you last checked….

“I guess I should.” She said and turned around in the bed. “You should probably get back to your fillyfriend… after all you were having sex with another mare the whole night.”

And… apparently nobody else needed to actually use the barracks in that time.

Or do the Wonderbolt reservists regularly expect to come in and find high-ranking officers fucking in their living space?

“Yeah… well see you around.” Soarin said and left the barracks. He knew that Spitfire wouldn’t be that mad at him for spending the night with Lightning Dust. After all she was the one who ordered him to do it.

Knowing this story’s Spitfire, she’d probably break his forelegs or something anyway.

 


He walked in to Spitfire’s office. He never knocked on because Spitfire never asked him to do it but if another team member entered the room without knocking they would leave with a black eye.

“Good morning Soarin. Did you have a fun night?” Spitfire said as Soarin entered the office.

“Lightning Dust has decided to stay in the reserve.” Soarin said as he sat down in to a chair that was in front of Spitfire’s desk.

“Good… I knew you would get the job done.” Spitfire smiled warmly and picked up a folder from the desk. “Our newest flyer Rainbow Dash has apparently got an ego.”

Just now? Did she, like, find it near the runway or something?

“What do you mean?”

“Well Fleetfoot told me that she had said that quote ‘I’m like fifteen time better flyer than Spitfire and I think I should be the captain someday.’

Actually, seeing that, at least in the main canon, she’s saved your ass at least 3 times now (not counting her assistance in saving all of Equestria), she is indeed at least 3 times better than you.

So the most you can pin on her is ignorance of basic math.

She thinks too much of herself.” Spitfire handed the folder over to Soarin.

“Well don’t we all. I mean that we all have quite large egos…” Soarin was saying as he looked through the folder for her picture. “And when a pony has these looks I think that having an ego is a good thing.”

Oh, COME ON

Soarin said and gave Dash’s picture to Spitfire.

“What? Are you in to Rainbow all the sudden.” Spitfire laughed. “I think having an ego in our     business is a good thing… but she is not even half of what I am… right?” Spitfire said and winked.

This is excruciating.

“Yeah… anyways what do you need me to do?”

Knowing this ‘fic, Rainbow Dash.

“Find out if she really thinks she is able to beat me… and if she really thinks she is better than me… make her scream.” Spitfire said and smiled.

There are a number of ways that line could be interpreted, and pretty much all of them are equally bad.

“Yes ma’am.” Soarin said and walked out of her office only to hear her voice again.

“And I’ve got you another job later today… but we’ll talk about that later.” She said and licked her lips seductively…

Seriously, do the Wonderbolts ever, like, actually practice or anything? Or do they just fuck     24/7?

Author’s Note:

I decided to put this chapter in two part so it would be easier to read

It was not any easier to read.

but no worries the next chapter is will be out tomorrow

– he said, on the fifth of November.

and it’s quit long…

Oh, it’s been quit long all right.

also i have already started planning my next story… focus on that story will be scootaloo and a certain blueish wonderbolt…

Ok, seriously, what is it with you and the Wonderbolts?!

Also, pedophilia.

And that one will be a lot more family friendly face3

Anyway until tomorrow have a nice day head

Believe me, I will.

You know, I try not to come down too hard on ‘clopfics’ or shipfics that involve sex between or with ponies- sure, the idea of someone wanting to rub their genitals on an animated technicolor mini-horse weirds me out, in fact it weirds me the fuck out, but then again so does sex in general and as long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual I suppose I really should not judge. But this ‘darkfic’ thing has just gotten completely out of control.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this little slice of the fandom, the ‘fic I just reviewed is one of the milder ones. I rejected the “big” darkfics (120 Days of Blueblood, Cupcakes, Cheerilee’s Garden, and Rainbow Factory) simply because they were too long for the amount of time I was willing to commit to this, but I also rejected one called Sweet Apple Massacre because I thought it went beyond even the Library’s standards. There won’t be links for any of these, by the way- I don’t even want the spiders to find them because that would mean more search hits for them.

I’m at a loss as to why these things exist- if all of these were just for people with very warped interests to get off to, there wouldn’t be so many authors publishing so many of them so publicly in a manner that was relatively free of other clearly-identifiable fetishes or obvious pornographic content. They raise no interesting ideas, they have no sense of dramatic tension or really any sort of plot other than the bare minimum sequence of events required to get the characters beaten and dismembered in whatever implausible way the author imagines pony physiology works, and they’re not even pleasant to read. They just exist to be vaguely offensive to readers who haven’t sat through enough of them to build up a tolerance.

You guys. Yes, I’m talking to you- darf, Flat spin, Unahim, Sergeant Sprinkles, and everybody else who keeps putting these things up and expecting us to quake in terror. You’re not scaring us, and you sure as hell aren’t entertaining us. All you’re doing is taking all of the complex worldbuilding, and character development, and creativity that the production team puts into MLP:FiM and tossing it out in favor of endlessly duplicating the same piece of paint-by-numbers torture porn. It’s disrespectful to your readers to think that we can be engaged by this stuff, and more than that it’s disrespectful to the show you claim to be fans of.

Do you want to know the ultimate reason why I picked Iron lady of the wonderbolts to review today and not one of the other millions of less-than-2500-word darkfics? Not why I rejected a longer or more offensive one, but why out of all the other candidates I picked this? Because it’s mechanically very bad. There are strange misspellings and heinous gaps in logic to poke fun at. Without those failures, all of these darkfics have the same problem- they’re boring to review. There’s only so many ways I can say “Pinkie, don’t torture your friends, that’s out of character” before the magic starts to wear off and I’m left with a hundred thousand words to make entertaining and no fresh material. These ‘fics aren’t bad because they’re crude, or offensive, or stupid, or poorly-written. They are bad because the obsessive, constant focus on making them “darker and edgier” completely overpowers every single other literary component.

Do you think you need to put this sort of thing in your ‘fics to justify being fans of a show for little girls? Do you think MLP is too saccharine? That it isn’t dark enough for a more mature viewer? Do you think you’re making the shared space of headcanons better by adding this stuff to it? Believe me, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has darkness to spare. This is the show where the main characters were nearly indoctrinated into an authoritarian cult after having been physically and mentally altered to conform to its worldview. This is the show where Trixie, having come to understand that Twilight doesn’t believe she’s reformed, tries to commit suicide on stage. This is the show where the main cast is the only thing preventing Equestria from looking like this

33333

Or this

This is the show that brought us Tirek, and Nightmare Moon, and King Sombra.

And we haven’t even gotten started on the comics:

comic

MLP:FiM does not lack for darker elements, or adult ones. The difference is, it knows when to deploy them and how. We feel for the characters when something horrible happens to them because we’ve watched them grow and develop many-faceted personalities as they were exposed to a variety of situations. We understand when Equestria is in danger because we’ve been given the tools to figure out how the world works and what might happen when things go wrong. The show has subtlety; it can imply things that would never in a million years make it past the Y7 rating if they were spelled out, and that makes them all the more powerful for it.

It’s beyond anything I’ve ever been able to achieve with my own writing, moreso because the writers work under time and content constraints, and I do genuinely think My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has recently begun to display some of the best writing of any television series in the mid 2010s, precisely because of the constraints its creators work under in making a show for both the Internet and female pre-teens. And you think you can make it better by ladling on more blood and sex?

I’m not writing this because I think you’re hurting anything by producing abysmal fanfiction- after all, server memory is cheap and I really don’t think your stories are able to seriously offend or frighten anyone above the age of twelve. I’m writing this because I think you can do better. A lot of your ‘fics are mechanically pretty sound, and some of them even experiment with more complex plots and the use of imagery- the development just never goes anywhere because they all boil down to ‘rocks fall, everypony dies in some really painful but kind of generic way’. If you learned how to write well- structurally well, not just pressing the right buttons on the keyboard- you might be able to make something worth reading, something that could inspire people or intrigue them or just make the world we live in a bit more of an interesting place.

To do that, though, you’re going to need to stop writing bad fanfiction. It’s my job, and the job of the Library, to point out when people are writing bad fanfiction, and what kind of bad fanfiction, and why it’s bad, so that you can avoid making those same mistakes. Case in point, darkfic. You’re not doing anything clever, you’re not doing anything new, so just let this genre die a quiet death.

After that, it’s all up to you. We can point out the elements of bad writing every day, but that’s not quite the same thing as showing anyone what’s good. For that, I’d suggest that you put aside all of this fake maturity, and pay a bit more attention to a show for little girls.

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63 Comments on “1622: Iron lady of the wonderbolts – One Shot (And an open letter to the MLP Darkfic community)”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lyle, buddy, either you copied the first embedded video over the second, or I just pasted the wrong thing in there to begin with. They shouldn’t both be ‘crawling in my skin’, the second one should be

  2. BatJamags says:

    You know, I might just be hanging around with Gul too much, but making an example of someone and making it look like an accident seem kind of mutually exclusive.

    It would make sense in a secret organization, where it’s obvious to members what happened but outsiders think it’s an accident. So far, though, I have no idea what kind of organization the wonderbolts are. Are they canon? The author’s bullshit? How much have they been changed? From your description at the top, I assume they’re supposed to be some kind of military. So, does that mean there are foreign pony-powers (Poners? Powies?) that Equestria might need to go to war with? Or are they more of a law-enforcement/peace-keeping kind of deal?

    I’m going to guess this is all just canon stuff and I’m only proving my ignorance by asking about it, but I’m genuinely curious.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      The Wonderbolts are a canonical paramilitary organization modeled after the Blue Angels- they’re a very exclusive aerobatics team that pretty much answers directly to Princess Celestia. They seem to be more for show than for combat in the main canon, but we see them converted into a front-line dogfighting unit in a splinter timeline where Equestria is in fact at war with another power.

      The actual nature of geopolitics in Equestria’s (unnamed) world bears some detailed examination, as we know relatively little about it. Four confirmed foreign entities exist in the show- Saddle Arabia, Yakyakistan, Griffonstone, and the Crystal Empire. The Empire is clearly a protectorate of Equestria, and has been for some time; Yakyakistan is clearly independent (threatening to go to war with Equestria at one point) and is also insanely isolated in a very cold, inhospitable region; Griffonstone appears to be independent as it has economic and cultural problems the Princesses don’t just go in and fix but at the same time seems to be on friendly terms with Equestria; and we know fuck all about what Saddle Arabia even is.

      In the comics, we additionally see a kingdom of what seem to be mentally impaired kittens that is too distant for ponies to have ever encountered before (it appears to be behind an impassible mountain range through which a tunnel system was only just discovered); a hidden elf village of deer that are actively hiding from ponies despite apparently being within Equestria’s geographic borders; and many other weird things. We also see how protectorates like the Crystal Empire come into being- there’s a city-state called Trot that is apparently independant and is being sacked by Changelings (bug monsters), and they hold out as long as they can before their leader reluctantly calls in Princess Celestia. Celestia wipes the floor with the Changelings, and from then on Trot is sort of implied/assumed to be part of Equestria.

      In light of all this, think it would be best to say that Equestria is pretty much the only serious power in its area- all the others are either much smaller and weaker than it is; geographically, magically, or politically isolated; or are asymmetric allies that maintain some amount of independence internally but follow Equestria’s lead in politics. So they don’t really need a standing army in the conventional sense, although considering the number of times their world is nearly destroyed (i.e. once every season) they do have an organized method of responding to threats that the ‘bolts are or can be quickly made a part of.

  3. BatJamags says:

    Seriously, how? Even Carl Panzram, one of the most prolific serial killers of the modern era, took eight years to hit that number. And how have you not been caught?

    Well, to be fair, Soarin (God, that’s a stupid name. Please tell me this one isn’t canon.) is more of a hitman than a serial killer, and so probably has a larger organization backing him up.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Ok, that was almost clever. Almost. It’d also help if Flat spin would stop his draconian strategy of capital punishment for capitalization.

    It’s like the reverse of German.

  5. BatJamags says:

    Not just any spitfire, mind you, but the Spitfire. Since apparently there’s more than one of her now.

    That or it just became a crossover with Young Justice, and we need to distinguish her from the ship.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Fire Streak and Lightning Streak…

    Wow. That’s… that’s just pathetic.

  7. GhostCat says:

    He looked up to the mirror above the sink and saw blood stains on his uniform’s face mask. He quickly took off the uniform and threw it to the pile of dirty clothes that was in the corner of the bathroom.

    He must be new at this; you need to soak bloodstains in cold water immediately or they will set and you’ll never get them out.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Also, doesn’t this mean the laundry pony is now either a witness or accessory to murder?

      • GhostCat says:

        It looks like this attack was public (extremely public) so it wouldn’t be out of the question for him to have blood on his clothing. Still, it’s very sloppy and indicates that he has very bad habits that would have gotten him caught by now.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Yeah, I just find it really, really, immensely difficult to believe this idiot hasn’t managed to get himself a one-way ticket to moonsville by now.

  8. BatJamags says:

    Okaý

    How do you even screw that up? This author seems too lazy to translate his work, so I’m assuming he’s an English speaker, so how would you even access that on your keyboard? I mean, I know there are shortcuts that allow you to add accents, but they require holding down, like, sixteen buttons at once.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I asked the same thing in Mindless Max, actually, but could only conclude the author there was German or something and had a keyboard with that symbol on it.

      According to Flat Spin’s profile he is apparently Finnish, but that keyboard layout doesn’t have the ‘ý’ symbol either.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      I know there are shortcuts that allow you to add accents, but they require holding down, like, sixteen buttons at once.

      Hmm… Maybe he could hold down the keys because he has twelve to six elbows.

  9. BatJamags says:

    Spitfire despised this… She got furious when her students would go and join a rival team and tell them the routine that the ‘bolts used in their shows.

    OK, this is getting more and more ridiculous. This would almost make sense for a proper military or intelligence agency or something, but she’s ordering murders over entertainment. Even if you’re psychotic and love to have the power of life and death over your subordinates, at this rate it really just wouldn’t be worth it.

  10. GhostCat says:

    here we go another romance story with a bit different tone in it…

    Wait, WHAT? This is supposed to be a frickin’ Romance fic? The hell?

  11. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Iron lady of the wonderbolts”

    Oh no, it’s Margaret Thatcher!

  12. BatJamags says:

    “You did it… didn’t you.” He said to him angrily.

    Flaming Streaker or whatever: YOU STOLE THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR! Didn’t you?! Admit it! CONFESS!

  13. GhostCat says:

    “Suicide… overdose… get creative Soarin.”

    You first, Flat spin.

    You want some ice to put on that burn, author?

  14. BatJamags says:

    twelve to six elbows

    Y’know, usually when something like this happens, I can decipher what the author was trying to say, but this is just moronic.

  15. BatJamags says:

    “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUKERS!!!!!!!!”?

    it was…………………………………………………………………….spitfire!

  16. BatJamags says:

    smiled smugly

    I’m counting it. Cerbersheep, do your thing.

  17. GhostCat says:

    The he places an empty bottle of painkillers next to him and took out a needle from his pocked and stuck it on to lighting’s hoof emptying out into his veins.

    He injected drugs into the hoof? How? Did he whip out a power drill in the middle of his ultra-stealthy mission? I don’t even think there’s a vein in the hoof.

    And if he’s trying to make it look like Lightning Streak committed suicide by taking pills, he’s doing it wrong. There’s not going to be any evidence of undigested pills in his stomach contents, The drugs he did inject aren’t going to circulate because Lightning Streak’s heart has stopped, and there’s going to be a massive amount of bruising around Lightning Streak’s neck.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Well, it’s important to remember that MLP ponies are not the same thing as terrestrial equines- in fact, it’s been a bit of a project of mine to figure out what, exactly, their ‘hooves’ actually are. They can actually grasp objects with the front ones to some degree, so on the extreme end they may have no hard elements whatsoever and be more like suckers.

      Everything else comes back to bite him (or rather, fails to) in the most hilarious way possible later on, though.

  18. BatJamags says:

    “Our newest flyer Rainbow Dash has apparently got an ego.”

    We’ve heard some rumors that she’s got an id and a superego, but they’re unconfirmed.

  19. GhostCat says:

    Soarin couldn’t believe that now Spitfire ordered somepony to kill him.

    And right in front of you, too. That’s just rude.

  20. GhostCat says:

    “Fire Streak here decided to arrack my first commander today… and look at him now!”

    But more importantly, look at Soarin – he’s completely untouched. If this was supposed to be a fight in the locker room that got out of hand, then Soarin would have injuries. He doesn’t. There’s no evidence that he was even attacked. Instead, it looks like Soarin kicked Fire Streak’s ass for the hell of it.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      “FUCK YOU!” He said and started to pound Soarin’s head with twelve to six elbows causing a huge cut to Soarin’s fore head.

      This wasn’t the worst beating he had taken but it still hurt like hell as the blood started to run down on his head.

      It’s kind of caught up in all the other insanity of PONYTHULLU, but he does apparently get pretty messed up.

  21. Leider Hosen says:

    This is yet another goddamn ‘fic containing potential flamebait in the form of military sexual assault and harassment. Also hazing. And drug abuse. And just plain disturbing content in the form of the murder and torture of innocent ponies for really no goddamn reason, let’s not forget that little detail… It may not be Celebrian, but it’s definitely not for the faint of heart.

    -slowly removes glasses- Ohhhhhh Boi. We got a fun one today.

  22. GhostCat says:

    “And now… Fire Streak…” Spitfire said as she grabbed one of his wings. “You will never touch Soarin or else.” She said and twisted his wing so hard that the bode snapped in half.

    So… She threatens to break Fire Streak’s wing if he ever touches Soarin again, and then goes ahead and breaks the wing anyway? Or is she threatening to break the other wing if he touches Soarin again?

    I’m so confused.

  23. GhostCat says:

    “Spitfire ordered me to make sure that you stay in the reserves.” Soarin said and grabbed one of her hoofs which made her blush red.

    Yeah, because “I’m only physically interacting with you because I was commanded to do so” is such a romantic pick-up line.

  24. GhostCat says:

    She thinks too much of herself.” Spitfire handed the folder over to Soarin.

    Rainbow Dash has been in the reserves for however-long and they are just finding this out now?

  25. GhostCat says:

    “Find out if she really thinks she is able to beat me… and if she really thinks she is better than me… make her scream.” Spitfire said and smiled.

    It’s a really bad idea to use that kind of ambiguous language when speaking to your assassin/man-whore.

  26. Leider Hosen says:

    Amen Sakai, you have really summarized my opinion in a way far more calm and composed than I. Well…

    I have considerably more anger than the average bear and still want to put the boot down on this fucker. So I’m doing it anyway.

    Author, what the fuck is wrong with you? I am asking that genuinely, what possessed you to think any of this was even remotely in the realm of acceptability? I did not, genuinely, did not expect a seemingly innocent badfic to piss me off this badly, but you did it.

    Sakai stole a lot of my arguments, but here’s something I’ll contribute: shallow, emotionally manipulative pieces of shit that trivialize really bad issues and throw it in your face for cheap shock value is an embarrassment to literature. There is no reason for this fic to fucking exist and as I’ve told others before I wholeheartedly hope you wake the fuck up and look back on this with the utmost embarrassment.

    There is absolutely no redeemable qualities to this fic whatsoever if you strip away all this watered-down Edgelord bullshit, and even if you left it in…

    I’m going to drop some fucking reality on your head. You are trying hard, overbearingly hard, to be Edgy, and you are failing at it because it could not be more obvious you are so fucking stupid and immature the concept of real drama and real conflict escapes you. I only reserve this term for the special cases, but your writing is cringeworthy, it is ungodly bad.

    You do not look cool. You do not look mature and dark. You look like a fucking poser who is so fucking insecure you have to jerk it to the fantasy of being a stereotypical ebil assassun doing ebil things and being oh so tortured and tajik because you are Deeeeeep. It’s no surprise that it also shoehorned in sex at the end, since works born of insecurity reek of masturbation of the ego, and of course it’s off-screen, since you’d probably just fuck that up to.

    I am not joking. I am not being funny. If you ever see this, I hope you take away one thing:

    Grow Up. And if you think this Grimdark fiction is in any realm of “well written” do yourself a favor and never even touch writing again.

  27. Delta XIII says:

    No one outside the wonderbolts knew why every now and then a ‘bolt would die and disappear.

    “every now and then”?! TWENTY have died in the last two years! I think questions would be raised after at least the third “accident”, especially if Shitfire is always this callous about it.

  28. Delta XIII says:

    “You are a psycho killer.”

  29. leobracer says:

    Regarding MLP Dark fics: You should see what Alex Warlorn has to say about them.

    He absolutely loathes darkfics.

    Especially this one comic that goes and turns the setting into a twisted mock up of Warhammer 40K.

  30. AdmiralSakai says:

    Just noting that I finally got around to watching “Top Bolt”, and… well, once again My Little Pony just blows its own fanfiction out of the water. Leave it to a show for little girls to provide us with a nuanced and sensitive explanation of why blatant fraternization is bad.


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