1618: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside – Chapters Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, and FifteenPosted: December 11, 2016
Title: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside
Author: Unknown/Fake Tara
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Romance, Parody
Critiqued by Angie
Hey guys, gals, and non binary pals! Welcome back to this monstrosity. If you forgot, last time I complained about coffin prices, we got the best chapter so far (but that’s not saying much), and you learned how much a galleon is worth.
Yup. Here’s the next five chapters of My Immortal: The Sekwel.
AN: Hu da fuk hakd my acont? Its nt fnny!!1
Ah, yes. I almost forgot that the best chapter so far was a “troll” and therefore we will get no more good chapters. That’s fine. More fun for me.
I cudnt believ it. I wuz stndng at da trian as I waitd 2 gt on. Vampire wuz der, wif a dreprezzd luk on his fac.
“Wat is r0ng?” I askd hm.
“My unc nd unt hat goffik peps. Ill hav 2 gt chnge b4 I gt hme”, Vampire tld me.
Oh boy. *takes out my History of My Immortal book* I’m gonna need this. *flips through the pages* Here we go. ‘You are either a goth or a prep. You cannot be both. You cannot be neither.’ *closes the book* *WHACK* Fuck you, fic! *WHACK* You’re so stupid!
I bgan 2 cri secily. I cudnt bar hving nt 2 b goffik 4 dat lng tme. I flt so srry 4 Vampire dat I wnted 2 slit my rist.
Tag yourself, I’m Vampire.
I wll e u 2 ceek up on u”, I sad 2 hm. All he did wuz fround.
I have NO GODDAMN CLUE WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. JESUS FUCK.
“dunt tll dem dat im hu I am”, he tld her.
Da trantip wuznt dat lng. We rote sum nu Bloody Gothic Rose 666 sngs, whch were gud.
I love Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I have all their albums on iTunes.
I lied. I illegally downloaded them. I’m a prep.
Den I gt 2 da staton nd der watng wuz my lit bro Milo Agenesis Way…
…what’s with the ellipses? Is that supposed to be a cliffhanger? Is that supposed to make me excited for the next chapter? I’m just. I’m so goddamn confused.
AN: Ive gt a nu bf Gareth Vandersleld nd I fink I wll b abl 2 do it wif hm. Dunt flam me u prepz!!11
Just say sex! JUST SAY SEX!
Also, Gareth Vandersleld…I feel so bad for you.
AN: Dnt flme me u rpeps!!11 Its nly cuz ya jeluz!!111 Gareth u r my onli reson 4 dis gud 4 nofink lif
Oh, Raven? Who’s that? GARETH is the only reason she’s still writing this. Not Raven. No sir. Did Tara and Raven’s ghost have a falling out again?
I wnt 2 my rum. It wuz all drk, cuz I hatd da lite. 2 da sde, der wuz my cofn, whch wuz covr wif prple slk. Al ovr da walls wuz postrs of GC, MCR, FOB, P!daDisko, nd Evrnescent. In my cubid wuz my goffik clths dat I gt frm Hot Topik.
Get it? Because she’s GOFFIK. LOL.
I gt chnged in2 a shrt skrt dat wuz ripd, a MCR (der goifk) top, nd a lethr jakt.
Actually, no. My Chemical Romance isn’t goffik. Neither are Panic! At the Disco or Fall Out Boy. *holds up History of My Immortal* I would know.
I hd all my ovr my face, lik a emo (Cuz Emo nd Gokik IS DA SAME THINH!!1) os dat no1 cud se my ugly fac.
*WHACK* Shut the fuck up! You don’t know a thing about your own canon! I just…ugh! *headdesk*
I wor blk liptik, whte pwdr ovr my face, nd blck ilinr. I hd a peer of blck chuks on.
My lit bro Milo wuz werng a GD (C der r gokik too) top, wif tigh jens on. His hiar wuz al spickd up. His skn wuz pale, nd his teef wer drwling 4 blud.
I wonder…how old is Milo? Is he old enough to go to Hogwarts? Is he a wizard? And isn’t Ebony an orphan? Or was that just a weird dream I had?
His chcks were blud red, nd he hd a hatrd luk on his fase.
*shrugs aggressively, annoyed* Okay. Fine.
I wnt 2 da diner tble nd nd we hd human meet, all covrd in blud, cuz al my famli is vampirs, nd r aalso gofik.
Because of course they are! Because you’re a special-snowflake-Emo-Sue. Of course your ENTIRE FAMILY is goffik. And they’re all vampires. *groans*
Der wuz no lite on cuz we hatd da lite. I dnk diet coke mixd wif blood, cuz Im a vapire.
Vampires are supposed to hate natural sunlight, not every light period. That would be completely stupid. Just like this fic. (Low blow.)
Aftr dat, we wtchd on tv a persn hav his blud suxd by a vampir. We den slit our rists whle listn 2 GD. Den my mun nd dad wnt 2 der rum.
Then I went to sleep. Then I woke up. Then I ate. Then I went to the bathroom. Then I ate. Then I went to sleep. Then I woke up.
Me nd my lit bro Mili wtchd da nitemare b4 xmas, nd den corsb brde, nd we tok herion, nd slit our rist again.
To get the heroin out of your veins, I presume? I’m not sure that’s how it works.
Also. Wouldn’t continually slitting your wrists…you know…kill you? You can tell me it’s because Ebony’s a vampire, but then, so are a few other characters who are negatively affected by their cutting. Not only that, but you can also say vampires don’t have blood because they’re already dead, and I would respond by saying Ebony explicitly stated in the first My Immortal that she has blood in her body.
Speaking of which. *WHACK* This book really comes in handy.
I decded 2 chek up on my flks.
My country folks were presumably fucking tractors. Yee-haw! Country folk goffs!
I wnt 2 my rum, nd luk insid nd I saw my mon nd Hugrid nakd on da bed doin it.
I…what the FUCK? Why are they in YOUR ROOM?!
I sucidaly has a orgnism.
“Wat da fuk”, I yeld at her, “Wat da fuk r u doin”.
THAT’S WHAT I WANNA KNOW!!!
My dad wlkd in, shck, cuz had jst done it wif b4 hnd.
I would say they’re using the pronoun game, except they’re not using any pronouns. None. So I have no idea WHO this guy’s talking about!
“Y”, he yled sixely. “Y did u hav 2 do dis 2 me”.
…your dad…you described your DAD’S YELL AS SEXY. What the ACTUAL FLYING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???
He wlkd off & so did i. I wlk awy, so da prk, wer I slit my rist.
AGAIN WITH THE WRIST SLITTING. How much can Ebony take? AHHHHHHG. *headdesk*
All I wntd 2 do wuz kil mislf. Y did dey hav 2 do dat.
Why did I choose to riff this story. Why is the sky blue. What is life.
These all sound like statements. Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation!
Suddnly, I saw a postr get put up, whch said dat Panik da Disko wer playng in my twon. I cudnt beliebv it.
I can’t believe it either! What a shocking turn of events, Ebony Sue! This is like nothing that has ever happened in My Immortal! *WHACK*
AN: Dunt fukn flme me u prps. U r only jeluz!!111111 Gofik is a wrd!!1
God I need to borrow the twins…I need to make sure gofik is a word. Gothic might be. But eh???
nd im nt a wanabe, I AM A GOFF!!1111
No, no. You’re a wannabe. Trust me. I’m a wannabe too.
Do u evn no wat a gof rely is!! Dat cuz u a prep!!111 So Fuk oF!!
Nah, I’m just kidding. We’re not even halfway done. Yay!
AN: Dunt fukn flam me u prepz!!11 my ritng nd spllng is alrite!!1111
No…no, hon, it’s really not. I’m sorry about that.
XxXxXxXxX666XxXxXxXxX (C ive chnged dat, r u k wif dat, or do u stll hat me)
I still hate you. Of course I still hate you. I liked the ooooooo911oooooooo best. Go back to that.
Dat day, I wnt & gt tikets. Da day of da concrt, I invted Vampier.
Woah. Nice time jump there, Elbondby.
His unc nd ant fought he wuz gng 2 a rep shw, so dey ddnt mnd.
Uh…I mean…they still probably wouldn’t let him go…do you actually know ANYTHING about Harry Potter? Did you even watch the first twelve minutes of the Philosopher’s Stone? You should know this shit. *WHACK* Bad fanfiction! Bad! Go to your room!
He pikd me up in hs blck merc, whch had blud red lethr sheets.
*sigh* I just…I just don’t understand this fic. At all. I really wish I understood a single thing in this entire fanfic but…I just don’t. Throw me a pity party.
He wuz werng a Panik! top, nd tite blck jens, whch were ripd. Hs hair wuz nt blck, lik he usely hd, bt munly blu. I kisd him nd I hd an orgnism.
Apparently he looks like Joel Madden. *ba dum* *WHACK*
Also, before anything else happens, I’m just going to take a wild guess and say we’ll see Voldemort at the concert. Just a guess.
In da car, we smked pot, nd gt al hi. I red a drepresing bok, nd we listnd 2 MCR, and den we listnd 2 P!daDisko.
Okay…fine. Fine. All I’m going to say is, I hope you have a headache now, from reading in the car. Like I do. *headdesk*
We den slt our rits, whle listning to GC.
You really, really don’t need that comma there. But, to each their own I guess.
We den gt 2 da concrt.
We gt 2 da frnt of da crwd nd mshed rite out frnt.
Everyone just kinda let you go to the front, huh? Even though you’re a bit late to the party? Jesus Christ, have you ever actually moshed before, author?
I saw Urie, nd I hd a orgnism.
*headdesk* Look, dude. Brendon Urie is pretty cute. I’ll give you that. But Ebony! Stop having orgasms at the smallest things! Stop it! You’re so fucking dumb!
“Dey r so fukn kool!?” I yled.
AND AGAIN WITH THE PUNCTUATION.
“Yeh, bt dey r nt as kool as u r”, Vapire said to me saxily. He kisd me agan nd I hd an anther oranism.
Hmm…this scene feels…familiar. *opens History of My Immortal to a random page* Ah, yes. This exact thing happened at the beginning of the first fic. Like. The exact same thing. *WHACK* You’re so creative!
“Time is never time at all you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth and our lives are forever changed we will never be the same the more you change the less you feel believe, believe in me, believe”, da bnd sung.
“I so luv dis sng. Ths has 2 b der bst one deyve ritn”, I tld vampire sucidaly.
YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR FAVORITE BANDS??? HONESTLY! WHAT THE FUCK???
*breathes* Look, I’m fine. Okay? I’m fine. I know this song isn’t by Panic! At the Disco. Let’s go to Google and see who sings this song.
*hums while searching*
Smashing Pumpkins, of course!
“Sam, bt I luv u bettr!!”, he sexily.
I wnt awy 2 by sum Panik! tops, bt on my way, I sw a goffik kid dat I sen b4:
It wuz Satan……..
Of course it’s Satan! It’s a My Immortal trope for Voldemort to crash the concert! How did I not see this coming?!
There are still a few more chapters to go, but luckily, this one is really really short. Like. The shortest chapter in any fanfic I’ve ever read. Here we go.
AN: Dunt fukn flam me u rpz!!1
I’ve used up all my Author’s Note jokes…and apparently so has this author.
“Di”, I yled hm as I puuld a smll.
“Stp he sed” Im nt Woldanort. I wuz kdnapd b4 da Marylin Mansn shw”.,
Because that makes sense! Perfect sense! Let me see if I’ve got this straight.
In order to stop Voldemort, Ebony went back in time to seduce Voldemort, but Voldemort isn’t Voldemort, because Voldemort is Voldemort. Duh!
so is wuznt u al da tim”, I sed 2 hm
“Yah, & I ned 2 tll u sumfing”, He sed 2 me. “U hav 2 fnd da bll ofda furchar. It wll tech u hu 2 dfet Voldimort”.
I am very, very, very confused. How many Voldemorts are there???
Wer is is it”? I askd hm.
“In da Minisy”, He tld me. “dat hll nct 2 da on dat Vampires Gdfafa gts klld”.
Of course it is! Because…uh…because we need to keep the plot moving!
As he sed dat, he wuz movd awy by da crwd. I dcid 2 by da tps, nd wnt bak 2 Vampire.
Exactly! That’s my problem with them going right to the front of the line! It just makes zero sense! The crowd isn’t going to push you to the front, they’re going to push you to the back! I think this fic forgot its brain a few decades back. Woodstock will do that to you.
“We gt 2 go fnd dos bllz” I sed 2 hm
“okuy”m, he sed.
I don’t know what a dos bllz is but I’m excited nonetheless!
AN: im nt a jok, im bng seryus!!111111 dunt flme u rpapz!!111
Please refer back to the previous Author’s Note. I’ll make a joke when I get something different.
Chapter 15: I Write Sins Not Tragedies
AN: Dat is a P!daDisko sng, I herd dem ply it liv!!11
Hon, everyone who has ever seen Panic! At the Disco live has heard this song live. Everyone who has ever casually listened to Panic! has heard this song.
U dunt no anyfng prep!!1 Dis chap hs a bg twst 2 da stry!?
I can’t wait.
RIP Raven 192-2008 I Luv U
Wow. Raven was really old. That’s about 1900 years! I think she lived a pretty good life.
We dcided 2 mos abt mor. So we moshd rite da frnt, lukng in2 Urie secily Is. He wuz so ht dat I gt an orgy.
*facepalm* Nothing, nothing…I’m fine….
”When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin. I’ve got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck Than any boy you’ll ever meet, sweetie you had me Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat? No, no, no, you know it will always just be me”, Urie sng. Dey ddnt ply ani of der nu stuuf cuz dat stuuf wuz prep musc!!1111 & if suxd.
I don’t agree with you, but I respect your opinion. Also, neither Fake Tara nor I own these lyrics.
Afta dey wnt of stge, we watd 4 da bakup bnd 2 cum on. We dcded 2 tolet & we didit. Vapire pt hs stik fingy in2 my u no wat, & da likwed stuuf bgan 2 enta mi u no wat.
On the contrary. I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
I screemd suciadaly as he redrew da stik fingy frm my u no wat.
And now, the award for the worst line ever written this week goes to:
He den wnt & suxd on my b00bz, saxng da mlk frm it.
Yup. You read that right, folks. He then went and sucked on my boobs, sucking the milk from it. Just let that sink in.
I scremd evn mor.
I’m screaming as well, but for seperate reasons.
Afta dat, we slt our rists whle listning 2 da blak perde. We den enjtd heryon in2 our bodys & strted 2 cri in pan.
*groans annoyedly* Fuck it all.
Afta dat, we wnt out of da tolet 2 listn 2 da bakup bnd. Dey wer waring msk on. Dey wer snging prep musc, lik dat stupd bittney speers sng. Dey toke der msk of.
Dey wer Valfamort & his def esters………….
Really? I thought they were Twenty One Pilots. *ba dum*
AN: If u kep flamng me, I wll kil mislef!!1111
And, with that thrilling end of the chapter, we end this riff. Dont worry, there’s so much more shit to go through. I will be back with the next three chapters next time. Until then, don’t do school, eat your drugs, and stay in vegetables. Bye!