1613: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 2

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: I’m sad to say that this is going to be the last story that we rift for a good long while. IRL is being a massive asshole to me, I’m stressing a lot, and I just don’t have the same passion that I used to for this line of work. I’m trying to sort my life out and I’m kind of clueless in that regard. Either way, I need to take a break.

Nora: Kind of morose. Let’s just jump right into things.

“I think you should stay here the night.” “It wouldn’t be wise to travel until sunrise.” “But one thing is worrying me now, is this Ariakas, planning to invade Hyrule?” Zelda questioned the Griffin with fear in her voice.

Goeth: Why in the world would you think that? This battle has been going on for centuries. If it’s gone on that long and you don’t even know who he is, do you really think that he’s planning on invading your kingdom?

Ert: I’m still mad that Zelda somehow knew about Giffins yet didn’t know about this generic dark lord.

“Honestly m’ lady, I couldn’t tell you.” “For as much as I can tell you, it seems that the Dark Knights have remained solely to the north, but with as much twisted desire Ariakas has I wouldn’t be too surprised if he does plan on spreading his control past the (17)Black Desert.”

Ert: UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

(17) The Black Desert is a dangerous and treacherous desert that borders Hyrule’s western border. This desert is well known for its thick black sand and dangerously immense heat, hence the name Black Desert. Only one so brave with a strong will manages to cross the immense Black Desert and lives to tell about it. Most who attempt to cross it, either die from heat exhaustion, or get lost in it.

Nora: Black sand? Anyone want to tell me how the hell that happened?

Goeth: And can someone please point out the black colored desert on the western border of Hyrule? I can’t seem to find it.

Goeth: I mean, there’s clearly the Gerudo Desert in that general area, but I’m failing to see a black desert.

Zelda’s fearful look was cast upon me, her blue eyes turning a dull gray.

Goeth: Eyes still don’t do that, so it seems like there’s some sort of mutation going around.

At that moment I knew that if this Dark Lord from the Shadow Realm was indeed planning a dark invasion of Hyrule, I was going to be the sole protector since of my role as part of the ancient Silverlite race.

Ert: Wow. I mean. Wow. Could you be anymore full of yourself? Not only do you think you know this guy well enough to know what he’s going to do, you think that he’s the only one who can stop him? And that you’re the only one who is going to try? Wow. Double fuck you Jenna.

(Mary Sue Counter: 28)

Goeth: And when you get down to it, every race is ancient. All the other races were around when the stupidly named race was around. What makes them so special that they get singled out?

I was an elemental user, one that welds the great power of the forces of nature, and in that I was the strongest protector Hyrule had. I could tell that within Zelda’s eyes, she was counting on me if such an invasion should happen. But one thing worried me, if such an invasion happened in the near future, would I really be of any use since I was still expecting?

Nora: Cut the last five words of that sentence out and the overall concern doesn’t change at all. Jenna hasn’t exactly proven herself to be a very viable fighter, regardless of how many Mary Sue points she’s managed to score.

Ert: Seriously. Link, at the very least, fought in a war. A vague, off-screen war, but a war nonetheless. The only thing Jenna has done is scare off some bandits and killed a guy who was practically handing her victory on a silver platter. She doesn’t even know how her powers work that well.

At that point I was six months pregnant and not too sure what the effects of welding the great power over the elements would have on Link’s unborn child.

Goeth: Sure, let’s focus on that. Let’s focus on that and ignore the prospect that six months into pregnancy, most women are not capable of physically straining acts.

Ert: “Link’s unborn child.” Right, because it’s only his kid. You’re just an incubation chamber with legs.

Lots of questions danced threw my mind that night as Link and Dalamar prepared for their departure upon sunrise. As Link prepared his saddlebags I went over to him and gave him a worried look. “I’m coming with you no matter what decision you make!” I spat, my face twisting into a scowl. “I remember when you tried to deny me accompanying you to the Water Temple.” “If I recall, you just might have ended up a permanent prisoner of Dark Link had I not gone with you.”

Nora: Uh, Jenna? Is there any reason why you’re getting so pissy out of nowhere? Link didn’t exactly snub you, saying that you weren’t coming with him because you would be dead weight. You bringing up the Water Temple just makes it look like you were holding a grudge for a very long time.

Ert: “prisoner.” Yeah, because this version of Dark Link would’ve just locked Link up and spent the rest of his life laughing about it. Because, for a story that features so much sex, LQ’s work here is rather G rated. It’s weird.

Link’s eyes turned a sudden shade of red as he spoke in an agitated tone.

Ert: Uh. Goeth?

Goeth: Demonic possession. It happens sometimes. It’s like an earthquake or a house catching fire. Unfortunate, and it’s always going to be a thing.

“Listen Jenna you don’t understand, you’re carrying our unborn child, and I think that this time it will be too dangerous for you to come as pregnant as you are.” “When you accompanied me to the Water Temple, you sure as hell wasn’t expecting.”

Nora: And Link actually has a very good reason for why you shouldn’t be going along with him. So you getting angry makes even less sense now.

Ert: Christ, please tell me this story isn’t going down the road of her being emotional because she’s pregnant.

Goeth: Are you really asking?

Link went pale-the pain of the memory when he found me near dead on the ground in the Temple wrenched his heart. I was able to feel his mind wrenching of all kinds of fears of him loosing me or his unborn child, but even in light of his overgrowing fears I was not about to let that stop me from accompanying him along on this journey.

Ert: You also aren’t going to let logic stop you either…actually wait a damn minute. It was established the Hyrule has an entire army at the ready. There’s a dark order of dragon riders out there. And Link is going to go off and take care of it by himself? God, everyone in this story is stupid. See, this is why the games tend to either underplay Hyrule’s armed forces, or show them as being ineffective.

Nora: Army or pregnant woman for back up. And this story picks the second option.

“Link my undying love, I understand your fears and concerns, but I think I’m well enough to be able to protect myself.” “Or did you soon forget that I am a descent of the great Silverlite race?” “Remember I am an elemental user.” I returned nonchalantly. Link returned a cold icy stare, the blue draining from his eyes and being replace by a dull stormy gray.

Goeth: I’m starting to wonder if there’s anyone in this story who doesn’t have gray eyes at this point.

Ert: And are Silverlite’s immune to the problems that come with pregnancy? Because I fucking doubt it.

“Jenna listen this time I’m making the decision for you.” “You are six months pregnant and because of that I cannot allow you to go.” “So just put the damn notion of going out of your mind.” Link spat, his cold hands gripping my shoulders. With an angry growl, I pushed Link’s hands off of me as my eyes filled up with anger.

Nora: Ok, for the record, both of them are coming off as irrational and unlikable. Link because he’s being an asshole and saying that he’s making Jenna’s decisions for her, and Jenna because she’s being pissy and stupid.

Ert: LQ, stop jerking us around. We know that she’s going to come. I hate it when stories do this. Throwing up objections that are obviously going to be overruled. Now that the story has stopped goofing off and decided to actually have a plot, there’s no way that Jenna isn’t going to be involved. The story doesn’t have enough guts to leave her out of important events.

“Damnit…..by the Goddesses Link I coming with you!” “I WILL NOT sit back and let you go on this journey without my aid.” “I don’t care if you’re worried about me, Damnit Link I’m worried about you!” I retorted stubbornly, my hands clenching into fists. Then my eyes lowered as my gaze slowly softened. “Link listen I care for you, you’re my whole world, and I know that I mean the same to you but, I feel that as a mated pair, there are just some things that one of us cannot do alone.”

Goeth: I don’t recall that being part of the extremely arbitrary rules. Which is odd, because it feels like it should’ve been. Those rules all had the air of trying to make disturbing control look romantic. Shouldn’t they say something along the lines of how they always need to be together? Regardless of potential danger?

Nora: Also her saying that this is something one of them can’t do alone is laughable. I would like to remind everyone that, not five minutes ago, she was thinking about how she would be the sole protector of Hyrule.

“Isn’t our love based on faith and trust?” “Aren’t we connected together in every aspect of our being?” I walked over to Link and into his warm arms, my eyes locking with his. “Link my love, you’re just going to have to trust me.” “That is one part of what our love is all about.”

Ert: Throwing logic to the winds and destroying your lives just so you can be together? That’s…what am I saying, that IS what their love is all about.

Link’s hard gaze suddenly softened, his gentle arms holding me close. “Jenna my life, I do trust you and I have always had faith in your abilities, I’m just concerned for the well-being of you and our unborn child.” “I just cannot stand the thought of loosing either of you.” “I still think it would be wise if you stay here.”

Ert: Yes, he has faith in her abilities to fart out new and exciting traits whenever the plot demands it/whenever the author thinks of one.

I quickly placed a finger gently on his lips. “I’m still going.” I returned softly. “Well I guess once your mind is made up”-Link chuckled softly-“I’m not going to be able to change your decision.” I nodded in return. “Sigh,” “Women for ya, once they’re minds are made up, there is no changing it.” Link said sarcastically as he softly pressed his warm lips against mine.

Nora: Blow me. I never found this “women always x” thing to be charming. Even if it’s something positive. Heck, gender stereotypes in general just annoy me. Unless they’re being played for laughs. I like them then. It’s when they’re used for serious commentary on genders that I get pissed.

The night passed quickly, and the suns first rays were rising over the horizon as I was saddling my horse and making my final preparations for my departure with Link and Dalamar. After we all made the final preparations, Link and I mounted our horses and readied to depart. Dalamar emerged from the Castle and joined us at the front gate.

Goeth: Is there any reason why Hugh was the last one out? As someone who can fly, he has the least amount of prep time. And he’s the one who has the most investment in making sure that everything goes right here.

Ert: This is a nitpick, but I still feel like it’s worth commenting on.

I checked one last time to make sure my bow, quiver and Phoenix Circles were secure before turning my attention to the Griffin. Dalamar looked at us sternly, his wings flexing against the gentle blowing wind. “Are you ready my friends?” Dalamar questioned. “As ready as ever.” Link returned as he eagerly waited to leave. I just nodded. “Well then, let us get moving.” “We should try to reach the Black Mountains before sundown.”

Nora: So why the hell has no one seen a Griffin before if their home is just a day’s ride away? Even if they don’t leave often and are slow to trust, someone would try and go meet them. That’s just how curiosity works.

Ert: More importantly, if this home of theirs is under constant attack, how the heck did the generic dark lord not draw anyone else’s attention?

Turning my horse around I started to follow behind Link when Zelda called to us. “Please be careful.” “May the Goddesses protect you on you’re journey and provide you’re safe return home.”

Ert: I don’t like to get on people for typos, it’d be too hypocritical, but that double misuse of you’re…wow.

We looked back at Zelda one last time before moving out. “Thank you m’ lady.” “I appreciate all that you’ve done for me.” Dalamar said, his gaze soft upon hers. “Don’t worry about Link and I.” “We’ll be fine, I’m sure we will return home safely, just please take good care of our son.”

Goeth: They don’t exactly need much prompting to leave their child in the care of someone else. In fact, unless I’m very much mistaken, he’s spent more on screen time being handed off to someone else than being watched by his parents. At least, in more recent chapters.

Nora: Link and Jenna are crappy parents. Go figure.

I added as a smile of reassurance crossed my face. “Now my friends we must move on.” “Time is of the essence.” Dalamar retorted. Nodding in agreement, I resumed following behind Link, leaving the sanctuary of Hyrule behind.

Ert: I’d just like to remind you that this “sanctuary” played home to Dark Link. Granted he was so generically evil he could potentially qualify as a non-threat. Even with his rape threats. He probably would’ve just torn her dress a bit and laughed for the next thirty-seven hours.

The sun was high up and the heat treacherous as we made our way across the vast Black Desert. We had been traveling for about four hours and I was already tired from sitting in my saddle. Thick sweat beaded my face as my parched mouth cried for water.

Goeth: I notice that they didn’t say anything about dressing for the desert. Usually you want to wear something loose and light, so that you don’t sweat and become dehydrated as a result. Even if it’s just a short trip, you should be prepared.

Nora: We already know that she’s not going to do it. Hell, LQ thought that a black desert was a good idea when she was writing this. It’s clear she’s not really familiar with how deserts work.

I reached into my saddlebags and pulled out my waterskin. Raising it to my dried lips, I took a long gulp before replacing the cap and returning it to my saddlebags. The heat was so unbearable that it was causing shapes of false objects to form in the desert sand. And even the heat wave that the desert was producing caused the images of Link and Dalamar to look distant and warped. Though we pressed on, pushing our very horses to the limit, their mouths gaped open; their tongues dry from the hot desert air.

Nora: Great. The horses are about to die because Link and Jenna are pushing them too hard and not giving them enough water. Great. Just great.

Goeth: It’s fitting we brought up Eragon the other day. This is an awful lot like that idiotic trip he took through the desert.

The minutes that we spent in that damn desert of death seemed like hours when finally a miracle by the goddesses loomed just ahead. After what seemed like and endless push threw that treacherous desert, we finally came to the end and emerged near a vast rushing river.

Ert: Uh, ok. The way this is worded, it sounds like it took them ten minutes to cross this desert. And that they’re all exhausted because of it. To be perfectly frank, Jenna does strike me as someone who was so pampered that ten minutes in a desert would reduce her to a state of exhaustion, but I don’t feel like that’s what LQ wanted me to think.

Goeth: It’s always interesting to see the disparity between what the author wants us to think about a character and who their characters actually are.

(18)”This is the Snake River.” Dalamar said as his crystal eyes scanned the bank on the other side. “The river is too fast and deep to cross on foot.” “We’ll have to build a raft large enough to ferry the horses on.”

Ert: Raft? RAFT!? YOU FORD THAT FUCKING RIVER!

Ert: Only option! Fucking ford!

Nora: And let me guess. Snake river is shaped like a snake?

(18) The Snake River is a large winding river found near the Black Desert’s border. This massive river is deadly to cross because of the malevolent swelling waters and dangerous rapids. Only few ever succeed to cross it and live to tell about it.

Nora: Winds…winds like a snake…close enough. Also, a massive river right next to a desert.

Goeth: What is this? The Nile?

Scanning the area surrounding the river, I noticed a large thicket of trees just up river. “There’s a large amount of foliage just a short way up river, we can use those trees to build a raft.” Walking up beside me, Dalamar scanned the way ahead. “I see no signs of any danger up that way, so lets get a move on.”

Ert: Filler dialogue. Doesn’t add anything. Please move on.

We pressed on up river and into the thick foliage. There we proceeded to make a makeshift raft, using vines found among the trees to hold it together. After we pushed it down to the bank, we loaded on the horses then Link and I went on followed by Dalamar.

Nora: Ok, a river being near a desert is one thing, it could happen, but thick foliage? Right outside a desert? Uh. No.

Goeth: If you had put some distance between yourself and the desert, maybe. Not this close though.

Taking a long pole made of wood, Link steered us along against the river’s swift current, taking heed to watch for rocks lying wait under the river’s whitecaps. Slowly but surely we made our way across and onto the other side. From there we mounted and headed for Dragonmount.

Ert: Sorry, what was the description of that river again?

(18) The Snake River is a large winding river found near the Black Desert’s border. This massive river is deadly to cross because of the malevolent swelling waters and dangerous rapids. Only few ever succeed to cross it and live to tell about it.

Nora: I fail to see how that describe the river that Link and Jenna just idly poled over. It even sounds like the trip was a slow and idle one.

The sky was setting off tones of deep pink, and lavender, the sun starting to set as we neared Dragonmount. I watched in awe as the dragon shaped mountain appeared in the distance. Just then Dalamar turned and looked back at us. “We must make hast, the sun has already started to set.” “This is a bad area to be in after nightfall.” “We must press on at a faster pace.” Dalamar said with worry. “But Dalamar the horses…….” I started to say. “The horses what?” Dalamar cut in. “They need rest, look at them they’re exhausted.” “I’ll have to agree with my wife Dalamar, the horses haven’t had any rest since we left Hyrule.” Link added.

Ert: That’s because you’re stupid. You had the horses going all day. This is actually pretty mild compared to most abuse of horses in fiction, but it’s still abuse.

“The only problem is, Lord Ariakas’s Knights patrol this area at night.”

Goeth: It was brought to our attention that, apparently, LQ is a plagiarist. Ariakas is a character from Dragonlance, a series of novels and a Dungeons and Dragons setting.

Ert: HA! CALLED IT! I knew dragons being rigidly referred to by color must’ve had a D&D inspiration of some kind.

Goeth: We know nothing about Dragonlance, and since there seems to be dozens of novels, we’re not going to be doing too much in depth research. What we do know is that in the books it was Emperor Ariakas.

Nora: A much more impressive name. Also why does he patrol at night and not in the morning?

“If we don’t press on past Dragonmount, we might be found by the (19)Dark Knights, and trust me, you don’t want to get captured by them.”

Ert: Uh, LQ? You already introduced the Dark Knights. It’s a little late to be bringing up an annotation for them now. But ok, what is it?

(19) Dark Knights are people who walk in the way of the shadow under the guidance and rule of Lord Ariakas. These dangerous followers of Ariakas, practice in the ways of dark magic and walk down the evil path of the shadow, driven by the demons of the Shadow Realm. As a symbol of their faith, Dark Knights wear armor decorated with skulls and the symbol of the Black Lilly. Most people who chose to walk the path of darkness, usually spend their life serving the shadow, though only a few have ever managed to changes sides due to the fact that once you swear allegiance to Ariakas in a blood oath, you give your soul over to him and to the Shadow Realm, therefore sealing your fate to them.

Nora: First of all, one of the good guys in Ocarina of Time is Impa, the SHADOW SAGE! Therefore, saying that there is an “evil path of shadow” seems to be oversimplifying things a wee bit.

Goeth: Second of all, skulls are bulky things. You’d be lucky to get three on your armor before they started getting in the way. And they’d get in the way.

Ert: He knows that from experience doesn’t he? Anyway, finally, Black Lily is not a very impressive thing to decorate yourself with.

“They have been known to be ruthless and even as far as to kill in blood for glory.” Dalamar said shakily, his eye glaring over at us.

Nora: Uh. Wot?

Ert: They kill while covered in blood?

Goeth: Don’t recommend it. The stains would take forever to get out.

“I’ve fought worse then that.” “How can these Dark Knights amount up to what Gannondorf was?” Link said stoutly as he shifted in his saddle. “Listen hero, you don’t understand these Dark Knights like I do.” “My people have been fighting them for centuries, and trust me, they’re more ruthless then you think they are.”

Nora: He doesn’t understand it because you keep talking about them with incredibly vague terms. Be a little more specific and maybe he’ll be able to get a better grip on the situation.

Just then I spotted something up ahead. “By the Goddesses what the hell is that up there?” I said as I pointed my finger skyward. Dalamar raised his head up then cried out. “Draconians, we must get the hell out of here before we’re spotted!” Dalamar screeched, taking off full throttle.

Ert: He wants to avoid being spotted. So he takes off. Making himself easy to spot. Brilliant. And using modern terminology in a story where it should not exist.

Booting my horse in the legs, the animal took off at full speed behind Link.

Goeth: After you were bucked off of course.

We pushed on at a full gallop, winding around small boulders lining the dirt road. I lowered my head down till my chin was against the horse’s tattered mane, the wind whipped the horse’s mane against my face as we rode. Dragonmount slowly loomed over us as we came closer, eerie tendrils of black smoke swelled around it, making it look like an evil creature waiting to attack. “Hurry…hurry, we must reach the safety of Dragonmount!” Dalamar cried again,

Nora: *Snort* I’m sorry. The mountain being a safe haven, after it was described like that.

his voice warped over the howling wind. We rode hard and fast, the hooves of our galloping horses kicked up dust and dirt behind them, as the shadows of the overhead creatures threatened to close in on us. The eerie screeching of the massive dragons rang threw my ears as they came closer, the beating of their massive leathery wings stirred up dust clouds around us.
I looked up and saw that they were closing in on us,

Ert: They’re closing in on you wen they’re so close that their wings are kicking up dust storms around you? Oh, you don’t fucking say.

Nora: You’d think that Hugh would have a better way to avoid these things, considering how long he’s been fighting them.

the dragon’s Hugh black talons were outstretched, its angry yellow eyes piercing deep into mine. “Dalamar we’ve been spotted, they’re closing in on us!” I cried over the howling wind, my eyes wide with fear.

Goeth: I feel like Jenna talks just to feel like she’s contributing.

Ert: Dragon. Hey. Dragon. You’re a dragon. Open that fucking mouth of yours and breath fire.

“Hurry….we’re almost there-Dalamar screeched-we must reach Dragonmount before they do!” I booted my horse again, forcing her to go as fast as possible, her eyes wide with fear as the death screeches of the dragons came closer. Dragonmount was just ahead, just a few feet further……we came upon it, the black swells of smoke rose around us as we moved to the base of the gigantic rock formation. Pulling my horse to a skidding stop, I dismounted and moved along side Link and Dalamar while guiding my horse by the reins.

Nora: Uh, so what? Are they safe now or something? Is this smoke a barrier or something? Or is it some sort of naturally occurring thingie? Talk to me! I don’t know a thing about what’s going on!

Ert: And wouldn’t the Draconians have a way around it?

“There’s a cave just big enough just on the other side.” “We must hurry and take sanctuary inside it, before the Draconians come for us.” Dalamar urged, his crystal blue eyes watching the black skies above.

Nora: More gem eyes I see. You could build a castle out of all their eyes if you took the time to chisel them out.

We slowly make our way around the small mountain under the cover of the thick smoke that wrapped around it, it’s eeriness causing shivers to run down my spine. We listened as the dead silence was broken by the cries of dragons as they landed just meters from where we were hiding, causing the horses to buck and neigh, they’re eyes wide with fear. “Keep those horses quiet, the dragons will hear them!” Dalamar growled.

Ert: They’re fucking dragons. They can smell them.

Nora: Or at the very least, the rider should be able to figure out where they went. I mean, after all, they’re only meters away. Just have the dragon screen the area with fire.

Link and I quieted our horses with a few pats to the neck and words of reassurance. The dragons evil yellow eyes pierced the darkness as they’re nostrils flared in searching for us. We just remained quiet, moving ever so slightly as we made our way to the other side. Just then Dalamar caught sight of what type of dragons were hunting us. “Oh by the Goddesses, those are blue dragons, the most dangerous of all dragons.”

Goeth: One second.

http://dragonlancenexus.com/lexicon/index.php?title=Blue_Dragon

Goeth: In Dragonlance, they’re actually smaller than most dragons. They’re more maneuverable and cooperative, but I fail to see how they’re more dangerous than other dragons. Although they do like desert and dry environments. Let me check the D&D blue dragon.

http://dragons.wikia.com/wiki/Blue_Dragon_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons)

Goeth: Most reasonable of all the dragons. Not saying a huge amount but you know.

Ert: So she’s making up shit as she goes longhand isn’t establishing it very well.

“They’re eyes can see the slightest movements, as they can smell almost anything.” “We must remain cautious, they’re searching for us and if we move too fast they’ll spot us for sure.”

Nora: “They can smell us. Move slowly.”

Goeth: I swear, these people get control of dragons and this is what they do with them?

Dalamar whispered as he forced his back up against the smooth surface of Dragonmount. As we moved, I watched as the two dragons piercing yellow eyes scanned the base of the mountain for us, they’re jaws gapped open, exposing they’re long fangs against the blackness.

Ert: Ok, what’s the visibility in this area? How can these idiots see the dragons but the dragons can’t see them? Particularly when they’re dragons that are supposed to have super good eyesight?

Nora: Eyesight is just one of many things that run on plot.

Just looking at those yellow eyes full of blood lust made my body quiver in fear, as they’re long fangs looked as if they could tear a man in half. Then I noticed something move against the back of one of the dragons. As I narrowed my eyes, I was able to make out a figure in black armor, lined with skulls of death, its helm shaped like a skull

Goeth: You double dipped on the skull front.

Ert: Skulls of death? I just…I don’t even…fucking…

with horns as a dark blue cape whipped wildly around the figures shoulders. In the figure’s hand was a long sword with the emblem of a (20)Black Lilly at the base of the blade.

Ert: YOU ALREADY FUCKING-oh forget it.

(20) The Black Lilly is the symbol of the Shadow Realm and all Dark knights are required to wear this upon their armor as a symbol of their allegiance and blood oath to Lord Ariakas.

Ert: I FUCKING NOW!

It’s deadly surface reflected against the dim light of the moon. “Oh no by the goddesses, those must be the Dark Knights Dalamar told us about.” I whispered to my self, eying the dark figure on the dragon’s back. “If they are as deadly as Dalamar says, then we must escape at all costs.”

Nora: Jenna, we already have a narrator, stop edging in on his territory.

Goeth: See what I mean about her talking to make herself feel important?

I pushed up closer against Link, taking his hand in mine and squeezed it tightly. “Don’t worry my love, we’ll be all right.” Link reassured soothingly, his hand squeezing mine back. “We won’t be if we don’t hurry, the cave’s just up ahead.” Dalamar retorted quietly, his beak brushing against the thick smoke.

Ert: Hey dragon rider #1? Do you hear something?

Nora: What do you mean dragon rider #2? The sound of two badly written characters flirting?

Ert: Yeah that’s it.

Nora: Sadly. If we attack them we’ll just suffering an embarrassing defeat due to Mary Sue

Ert: Just ignore them then.

Just before we made it to the cave entrance, one of the dragons stepped out just a few feet from it,

Ert: Before it was feet, now it’s meters. Imperial or metric. Pick one and fucking stick with it.

Goeth: This is amusing. Of all the odd back and forth we’ve seen, we’ve never need

its yellow eyes staring directly down in the direction where we were hiding. Its nostrils flared as it sniffed the air, its mouth gaped wide, thick saliva dripping from its fangs. “Oh no by the fires of hell, I think they’re on to us!” Dalamar cursed, the color draining from his eyes. “It must smell the horses!”

Nora: Yes, because I’m sure Griffin and human smell like nothing.

“Horsemeat is a dragons favorite food!”

Nora: Uh, you know this how?

Goeth: Do you really want an answer to that question?

“Then what the hell do you suppose we’re going to do!?” Link growled, his face twisting into a scowl. “We have no choice but to break for it, hopefully we can out run them.” Dalamar returned. Though the thought of running straight into a dragons claws didn’t make Dalamar rest any easier.

Ert: Maybe shoot them in the face with a Light Arrow? That’s a pretty powerful weapon.

Nora: I don’t think Link is allowed to be productive when he’s not sexually satisfying Jenna in this story.

Link and I mounted our horses and waited for Dalamar’s signal. “On my signal take off and break left, hopefully we can get ahead of them before they notice we’ve left.” “Now go!” Dalamar cried as he took off at full throttle, breaking just left of the dragon’s right side. Booting my horse in the legs, the animal took off at full speed behind Link’s stallion, following the same path

Ert: That horse is going to defect and join up with the forces of not good people if you keep abusing it like that.

Goeth: I’ll put him in contact with Crunchy. Let’s see if we can work our magic with horses.

Dalamar took. As we broke north towards the Black Mountains, I heard shouting from behind. “There they go, after them!” “They have a damned Griffin with them, we must capture it!”

Ert: Capture it? CAPTURE IT! THEY’RE AT WAR AND HAVE BEEN FOR CENTURIES AND THEY WANT TO CAPTURE IT INSTEAD OF KILLING! ARE YOU FUCKING-*hyperventilates into a bag*

Nora: Why can’t people write villains with something resembling nuance around here?

Came some of the cries as they noticed us running away. The sound of heavy beating wings filled the air as the massive blue dragons took flight, they’re cries breaking the dead silence of the night. I hunched down against the horse’s neck, its ragged mane whipping against my face as we pushed to reach the sanctuary of the Black Mountains.
“Hurry, push faster, they’re gaining on us!” Dalamar shouted. As I looked up, I saw one of the massive beasts closing in on us, its claws outstretched as it started dipping into a dive, its mouth gaped wide. “Oh my Goddesses….Link one of them is almost on top of us!”

Ert: He’s been almost right on top of you for the last five fucking paragraphs! This story has been on repeat since the get go and I’m getting fucking sick of it!

I screamed as I heard the massive beating wings just overhead. Then out of nowhere, the other blue dragon dropped down in front of us, its mouth open wide, as it blocked our path. The horses skidded to a halt, neighed and bucked, almost throwing Link and I off their backs. Then the other dragon landed behind us, its heavy beating wings kicking up dust and sand around it. “Holy shit were trapped!” Dalamar cried, his eyes turning a ghostly white.

Goeth: Let me see what the range on everyone’s eyes is. They turn blue, gray and white.

Nora: Does everyone have mood rings for eyeballs? Or does LQ just not understand how eyeballs and prose works?

Ert: I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it was both.

“How right you are, you will not escape the Dark Knights of Ariakas.” Sneered one of the figures looming on the dragon in front of us. “Surrender quietly, and we just might go easy on you.”

Nora: Just announcing who I am and what I plan to do. Because that’s how story telling works.

Goeth: What are we doing with our lives…

The other Knight sneered. I watched as Link pulled the Master Sword out of its sheath. “I will not surrender to the likes of you.” Link returned angrily, pointing it directly at the Knight in front of us. “Then prepare to die, all of you.” The Knight sneered as he dismounted off the dragon in front of us, unsheathing his sword.

Ert: YOU HAVE A FUCKING DRAGON! DRAGON! FUCKING BURN A VILLAGE TO THE GROUND AND EAT EVERYONE DRAGON! USE IT! FUCKING USE IT YOU TOOL!

Nora: How can there be two dragons in a story and that story be lame?

I unfastened my Phoenix circles from my waist, and prepared for battle. I heard a clacking sound of weapons clashing behind me as I confronted the other one. “Dalamar, quickly run behind a rock to my right.” “I will handle this one.” I yelled to the Griffin, my eyes resting on the Knight still on dragonback.

Goeth: Poor Hugh. He’s not actually allowed to be part of anything important because it would take attention away from Jenna and her sex aid.

Ert: I’m really trying to figure out what the point of this story is, now that it’s clearly not self insert porn. I got nothing. Really crappy Dragonlance plagiarism?

I raised my weapons up in front of me and grinned. “Now dark beast, come and get me.” Pulling the blue closer, I watched as the Dark Knight unsheathed his massive sword and pointed it directly at me. “Then die wench.”

Nora: And then the dragon lunged forward and swallowed her with one gulp. The end.

Goeth: Come now dragon, be a good boy. Ert, I have a giant bottle of barbecue sauce I keep in my lab for just such an occasion.

Ert: That was you? Huh. I thought it was a joke.

The Knight returned angrily as the blue danced closer. I backed up, and faced the Knight head on, my weapons raised in defense. He pulled the blue even closer, the breath from its gaped mouth caused me to gag, its deadly yellow eyes staring at me with blood lust.

Ert: The fuck is a blue? Oh…oh, they’re calling blue dragons blue. Something that might have worked if you had taken the five seconds needed to actually establish it.

Goeth: Still rather lazy.

But I held my ground and slashed out with my weapons. The Phoenix Circles connected, ripping a gash along the beasts left nostril. Crimson red sputtered into the air, drenching my once pink dress. The blue roared in fury, its cry caused the blood in my ears to throb.

Nora: Wait, she’s riding off to fight dragons and evil knights in a pink dress?

Ert: *Throws gasoline about* I’m used to it. Right now I just want to go scorched earth on this story.

The dragon moved in again, its deadly claws lashed out, catching my blood soaked dress, ripping it. I swung again with my weapons, only to be met with the clank of a sword against them. The Knight pushed his sword down against mine, the tip nearing my throat. Pulling back suddenly, I thrust my weapons forward again, the round blades connecting with the Dark Knight’s wrist, crimson seeping out from under his gauntlet hand.

Nora: You know, Taco often brings up when heroes in crappy fanfics don’t go for vital areas and instead just waste time going for things like fingers. This is better, but only just.

Goeth: A snout is understandable, considering that it may be the only part of the dragon she can reach, but going for the wrist on a knight instead of the throat of a chest? Laughable.

He screamed in fury, his sword glaring against the moonlight as he struck it down against my Phoenix Circles again, causing a shower of sparks to rain from the air.

Goeth: I take it back. If this knight’s wrist had been slit, he wouldn’t be using it anymore. Two things happened. This man has augmented his body with dark magic to allow himself to overcome pain, or LQ doesn’t know how to anatomy.

Ert: It isn’t a fucking question.

We sparred for a few minutes before the blue lashed its tail out, ramming it into my legs, causing me to go crashing to the ground.

Nora: Uh, a dragon? Hitting her with her tail? Yeah, both of her legs are broken. Unless this is a laughably pathetic dragon.

Ert: Come on LQ. You’ve made absolutely everything about Legend of Zelda lame, don’t fuck up dragons too.

I staggered dizzily, trying to get up, only to be met by the tip of a sword in my face. I looked up and saw both blues with they’re riders looming over me. Link had been captured and was tied up and hung over one of the dragon’s back.

Ert: LAME! FUCKING! LAME!

Nora: Man, the villains in this story are lame. I don’t think there’s been one that’s actually killed someone.

Dalamar no where in sight. “Where’s the Griffin?” One of the dragon riders asked. Silence. “Answer me wench!” He yelled, swiping the sword across my cheek causing small rivers of blood to seep from it. “I will never tell you, you dark bastards!” I sneered as I did a sudden roll and moved to the left, just before one of the dragon’s mouth struck.

Goeth: With broken legs? HA!

Ert: “Small rivers of blood.” Good fucking christ the prose in this story.

I ran a few meters into a nearby canyon, then backed up against the stone wall, and watched as the two blues closed in on me, they’re riders, raising spears ready to strike.

Ert: SPEARS!? THEY WERE USING SWORDS! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SWORDS!?

Nora: They’ve been pulling things out of their ass, maybe they can be put back in there. They’ve clearly got the room.

At that moment I took the opportunity to strike. Raising my hands into the air, I proceeded to call upon the elements. “Kamas mu matar!” I cried skyward as my hands begun to glow a bright red, fire flaming on the tips of my fingers. With a sudden flash, the moon turned a blood red as fire shot down from the sky, striking down on the blues in a raging fury, causing them to scream in pain as the hellish blaze singed their scaled skin.

Ert: Uh, the moon did what now?

Ert: IT HAS EYES! THE MOON HAS EYES! LOOKING AT ME! THEY’RE LOOKING AT ME!

Goeth: *Sigh* Some people just can’t handle the eldritch.

Nora:  Nice to see Jenna holding off on her powers till the last second just so that things can be more dramatic.

With the distraction in place, I took the opportunity again to make my final strike. “Dalamar now!” “Grab Link off that damned beast’s back.” I screamed, as I held the dragons back behind a wall of fire. With a loud cry, the Snowy white Griffin took flight from behind a nearby boulder and rose skyward.

Nora: Glad he somehow knew what she meant by now. Because I don’t recall them establishing a plan earlier.

Ert: Maybe she drank his piss and established a bond with him.

His wings beating heavily as he dipped in his flight, diving just above the blues back, grabbing Link in his talons. Rising swiftly back in the air Dalamar moved out of range allowing me to make my final attack. I focused my mind and called upon the ancient powers of the Silverlites. I focused all my energy and concentrated it into one energy attack, then unleashed it, sending it down upon them in a massive explosion, thrusting the blues and they’re riders back into the pits of hell.

Ert: Sending them back to hell huh? I didn’t know that they came from hell in the first place, nor that Hyrule practiced Christianity. I would also like to remind you that the blues were dragons that were forced out of their homes and enslaved. And you just killed them without mercy. You bitch.  Double dings on the counters.

(Mary Sue Counter: 30)

Nora: This chapter is still super long, so we’re gonna call it here and pick up the rest next week. See you then!

Advertisements

132 Comments on “1613: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 2”

  1. andiliteman says:

    Ert: I’m sad to say that this is going to be the last story that we rift for a good long while. IRL is being a massive asshole to me, I’m stressing a lot, and I just don’t have the same passion that I used to for this line of work. I’m trying to sort my life out and I’m kind of clueless in that regard. Either way, I need to take a break.

    So sorry to hear that, Ert! Take your time, we’ll be waiting for you. Hope things get sorted out. If there are better things for you to do, go for it!

    I’ve loved having you here. I hate hearing that things are rough.

  2. andiliteman says:

    I was an elemental user, one that welds the great power of the forces of nature, and in that I was the strongest protector Hyrule had.

    Besides the Hero of Time, the Mage Princess, her scary-ass handmaiden, Link’s army, Zelda’s guard and a sympathetic Griffon.

  3. Sootopolis says:

    Microsoft Silverlite? (I didn’t read the previous chapters, so someone likely mentioned it already), but that was the best name the author could come up with, really?

    Six months pregnant, riding a horse through a desert?

    The sappy love talk made me cringe so I tried to get past that as quickly as possible. Now I just feel relieved knowing I didn’t have to read about Link having sex in the earlier chapters *shudder*

    “Don’t worry about Link and I.” Ugh. It really bugs me when people don’t understand the correct usage of I/me.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    “But one thing is worrying me now, is this Ariakas, planning to invade Hyrule?” Zelda questioned the Griffin with fear in her voice.

    She also seems to be questioning him with commas in her voice.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    At that moment I knew that if this Dark Lord from the Shadow Realm was indeed planning a dark invasion of Hyrule,

    Am I going to have to bring back the Voldemort scenes from My Bleeding Crimson Despair?

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Damnit…..by the Goddesses Link I coming with you!” “I WILL NOT sit back and let you go on this journey without my aid.” “I don’t care if you’re worried about me, Damnit Link I’m worried about you!”

    *Bangs on his apartment wall.*

    I’m trying to study in here! Take your marriage someplace else!

  7. “Sigh,” “Women for ya, once they’re minds are made up, there is no changing it.”

    Can I just… go ahead and force-feed this glubber a hand grenade or three?

  8. andiliteman says:

    The heat was so unbearable that it was causing shapes of false objects to form in the desert sand. And even the heat wave that the desert was producing caused the images of Link and Dalamar to look distant and warped…

    Do you think you’re talking about mirages? Because that’s not how a mirage works. Granted, storytellers seem to be convinced that mirages can make you see just about anything, but in reality it only ever looks like shimmering water. I’ve seen them on hot days, and they’re pretty cool, but they’re nothing like that.

    • GhostCat says:

      There’s a lot of interesting optical effects going on during a mirage – the size and shapes of objects can fluctuate and sometimes objects even appear to float (called a fata morgana) or vanish completely as the horizon is lifted up or pushed down – but while it’s possible to hide things with a mirage, you can’t really create something from nothing. There has to be something there to distort.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    After we all made the final preparations, Link and I mounted our horses and readied to depart.

    So, after you made your departure preparations, you prepared to depart.

    [BLARING ALARM BLARES]

    God dammit.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Goeth: They don’t exactly need much prompting to leave their child in the care of someone else. In fact, unless I’m very much mistaken, he’s spent more on screen time being handed off to someone else than being watched by his parents. At least, in more recent chapters.

    Nora: Link and Jenna are crappy parents. Go figure.

    Actually, the kid’s probably much better off being raised by literally anyone else.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    that damn desert of death

    That aggravating, artificial alliteration…

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    (18)”This is the Snake River.” Dalamar said

  13. Sootopolis says:

    How come Link’s eyes turned red in this chapter? Dark Link has red eyes o.O Actually, having Jenna be married to an undercover Dark Link and carrying his baby would make for a better story.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    After we pushed it down to the bank, we loaded on the horses then Link and I went on followed by Dalamar.

    Why is Dalamar on the raft? He’s heavy, and can fly.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    I’ll have to agree with my wife Dalamar

    Didn’t know Link was into avians.

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    lined with skulls of death, its helm shaped like a skull

    Goeth: You double dipped on the skull front.

    Ert: Skulls of death? I just…I don’t even…fucking…

    As opposed to all those skulls of life you may run into.

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    with horns as a dark blue cape whipped wildly around the figures shoulders. In the figure’s hand was a long sword with the emblem of a (20)Black Lilly at the base of the blade.

    Ert: YOU ALREADY FUCKING-oh forget it.

    (20) The Black Lilly is the symbol of the Shadow Realm and all Dark knights are required to wear this upon their armor as a symbol of their allegiance and blood oath to Lord Ariakis

    I wonder if this is supposed to be the triangle-and-circles Shadow emblem from the games?

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    “We won’t be if we don’t hurry, the cave’s just up ahead.

    Wait, all this freaking out and trying not to move and ogling the enemy and you’re still not even in your hiding spot yet?

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    The Knight returned angrily as the blue danced closer. I backed up, and faced the Knight head on, my weapons raised in defense. He pulled the blue even closer, the breath from its gaped mouth caused me to gag, its deadly yellow eyes staring at me with blood lust.

    Ert: The fuck is a blue? Oh…oh, they’re calling blue dragons blue. Something that might have worked if you had taken the five seconds needed to actually establish it.

    Goeth: Still rather lazy.

    Also, i cannot help but be reminded of Palaven’s Dogs, where “blue” is a racial slur for asari.

  20. AdmiralSakai says:

    The dragon moved in again, its deadly claws lashed out, catching my blood soaked dress, ripping it.

    But not, you know, damaging her skin or anything.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      I’m pretty sure she’s wearing Plot Armor under that dress, so it will take a lot more than a mere dragon to wound her considering the average Sue Plot Armor is 93 Quintilian times the hardness of diamond with causality dampening hardware.

    • erttheking says:

      Still not as bad as Hammer Effect, when Lt. Stu got shot a dozen times and it only hit his coat.

  21. andiliteman says:

    The sky was setting off tones of deep pink, and lavender,

    Yeah, pink and lavender were always assholes. I find their cousins blue and purple far more agreeable.

    Although red throws such fun parties.

  22. AdmiralSakai says:

    At that moment I took the opportunity to strike. Raising my hands into the air, I proceeded to call upon the elements. “Kamas mu matar!” I cried skyward as my hands begun to glow a bright red, fire flaming on the tips of my fingers. With a sudden flash, the moon turned a blood red as fire shot down from the sky, striking down on the blues in a raging fury, causing them to scream in pain as the hellish blaze singed their scaled skin.

    So… you just murdered Link, then. Since he was still on one of the dragon’s backs when this happened.

  23. BatJamags says:

    Nora: Black sand? Anyone want to tell me how the hell that happened?

    Yep:

    Still, that’s Iwo Jima, which is a volcanic island. The sand there is actually ash. I don’t see an entire desert having black sand, but that actually would look really cool, especially if you’ve got a setting which plays fast and loose with real geography. So, there’s another thing that would be cool in a good story but just sucks here.

    • BatJamags says:

      Oh, and I’ll note that the Black Desert is described as having thick black sand, whereas the black sand on Iwo Jima is noticeably thinner and more slippery than the normal kind.

    • GhostCat says:

      It would just be a matter of having the right geography; if there’s a lot of volcanic rock in the area, it’s going to erode down into black sand. (Same for red sands, or white sands, or any color.) There’s just really not a lot of volcanoes located in the middle of deserts on Earth, but that wouldn’t necessarily hold true for other locations.

  24. BatJamags says:

    Link’s eyes turned a sudden shade of red as he spoke in an agitated tone.

    OK, I thought the grey eyes were just a weird turn of phrase, but what the fuck is this bullshit?

  25. andiliteman says:

    (19) Dark Knights are dark people who walk in the way of the dark shadow under the dark guidance and rule of Dark Lord Ariakas the Dark. These dark, dangerous followers of Dark Lotd Ariakas the Dark, practice in the dark ways of dark black magic and walk down the evil path of the black shadow, driven by the dark demons of the Evil Shadow Realm. As a dark symbol of their evil faith, Dark Knights wear armor decorated with dark skulls and the symbol of the Black Lilly of Death and Gloom. Most wicked people who chose to walk the dark path of darkness, usually spend their dark life serving the dark shadow of doom and gloom and death, though only a few have ever managed to changes sides due to the fact that once you swear allegiance to Dark Lord Ariakas the Dark in a black blood oath, you give your soul over to him and to the Evil Shadow Realm, therefore sealing your dark fate to them.

    Fixed it for ya.

  26. BatJamags says:

    Ert: HA! CALLED IT! I knew dragons being rigidly referred to by color must’ve had a D&D inspiration of some kind.

    Oh yeah. There are ten different kinds of dragons. They’re all weird in Dragonlance, and I’m not really familiar with that setting, but there are still rigid differences.

  27. BatJamags says:

    Dark Knights

    I choose to interpret this as Lord Maracas or whatever having an army of Batmans.

    (19) Dark Knights are people who walk in the way of the shadow under the guidance and rule of Lord Ariakas. These dangerous followers of Ariakas, practice in the ways of dark magic and walk down the evil path of the shadow, driven by the demons of the Shadow Realm. As a symbol of their faith, Dark Knights wear armor decorated with skulls and the symbol of the Black Lilly. Most people who chose to walk the path of darkness, usually spend their life serving the shadow, though only a few have ever managed to changes sides due to the fact that once you swear allegiance to Ariakas in a blood oath, you give your soul over to him and to the Shadow Realm, therefore sealing your fate to them.

    DON’T CRUSH MY DREAMS!

  28. BatJamags says:

    the dragon’s Hugh black talons were outstretched,

    *Gasp*

    HUGH IS A TRAITOR!

  29. BatJamags says:

    skulls of death

    As opposed to skulls of life?

    *Alarms blare*

    Well, that’s unfortunate.

    *Headshotted in the head*

  30. BatJamags says:

    “How right you are, you will not escape the Dark Knights of Ariakas.” Sneered one of the figures looming on the dragon in front of us. “Surrender quietly, and we just might go easy on you.”

    I have no idea why, but I’ve been mentally voicing the dragon riders with exaggerated New York accents, and it makes this part about a hundred times funnier.

  31. BatJamags says:

    Goeth: *Sigh* Some people just can’t handle the eldritch.

    Kane: Indeed. I’ll never cease to be amazed at how the feeble-minded react to that which cannot be comprehended.

  32. andiliteman says:

    Booting my horse in the legs, the animal took off at full speed behind Link.

    For the last time:

    Can you see that guy kicking the horse in the legs? No. Why? Because horses are flippin’ big. You can’t reach that low.

    LQ even specifically points out that her horse is especially large, so that makes it even worse.

  33. andiliteman says:

    “Hurry….we’re almost there-Dalamar screeched-we must reach Dragonmount before they do!”

    STOP NARRATING, HUGH, WE’RE BEING ATTACKED BY A DRAGON!

  34. andiliteman says:

    “They’re eyes can see the slightest movements, as they can smell almost anything.” “We must remain cautious, they’re searching for us and if we move too fast they’ll spot us for sure.”

    They’re apparently deaf, though. So that’s a plus.

  35. andiliteman says:

    It’s deadly surface reflected against the dim light of the moon. “Oh no by the goddesses, those must be the Dark Knights Dalamar told us about.”

  36. andiliteman says:

    Goeth: This is amusing. Of all the odd back and forth we’ve seen, we’ve never need

    Uh, Goeth? Know where the other half of that sentence went?

  37. andiliteman says:

    “Then prepare to die, all of you.” The Knight sneered as he dismounted off the dragon in front of us, unsheathing his sword.

    Uh… Why not just… You know.? Blast them to dust with your per dragons?

    This actually kind of makes me think that LQ simply didn’t know how to save her heroes from this situation. She knew on some level that they couldn’t possibly beat the dragons, and found some contrived way to remove them from the picture.

    I’ve been there. And you know what you do once you’re their? Either go back and rewrite, or see if it’ll bring the story in a new direction.

    One story I wrote required my hero to enter the action by way of a street urchin who tried to shoplift from his store. The idea was for her to whisk him away on marvelous adventures. As I wrote, though, I suddenly found her getting tazed by police (who had a legit reason to be there) and shipped off to jail.
    This was not in the plan at all, but it was the only way it could turn out given the circumstances. And it actually resulted in the story turning out better than I expected. After being arrested, the urchin is put on community service in the store (the law enforcement had a sense of humor), with my hero as her caretaker. Her escaping his care gave my hero a reason to follow her on an adventure, as well as established to him the fundamentals of magic, two very important things that wouldn’t have been otherwise.

    In this case, it might work out all the better for the story if LQ simply let the dragons torch her heroes, bringing this dredge to a long-awaited end!

    • GhostCat says:

      That’s something that people who don’t write will never really get; you start complaining about a character doing something that you don’t want them to and they can’t understand why you don’t just make them do what you want them to do. It’s the difference between having a fully fleshed-out character that behaves organically (and often in ways that surprise their author) and just shoving a bunch of cardboard cutouts around in a sandbox.

      • andiliteman says:

        Yes! I’ve seen that with a good number of my better-written characters. It’s actually a great feeling, because it means you know this is a character with a soul, which is gold to every storyteller.

      • TacoMagic says:

        At the last Gen Con we got to meet Robin Hobb, and somebody asked her about The Fool character. Turns out, he was only supposed to be there for one small scene then essentially vanish afterwards since he wasn’t supposed to be important. But, in her words, “He wouldn’t get off the stage!”

        Now he’s a corner-stone of her world.

    • Leider Hosen says:

      That one hunk of summary has piqued my interest more than this whole story put together, like that’s something I really want to read now.

      Also, I’m pretty sure the reason people don’t improvise and let characters grow outside the original mold and develop themselves is because having the creativity to do that, the intelligence to avoid writing yourself into a corner, and the maturity to listen to Beta readers to get an outside perspective and spot possibilities you missed is way past the capacity of most badfic authors.

      • andiliteman says:

        Oh, yes. My editor has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. Honestly, it’s her thoughts and encouragement that have helped me grow as a writer a whole lot, and she reads everything I write, even for pleasure.

        But as for all those qualities you listed, they’re just typical of writers. It’s something special, and it has to be worked for. HARD. Badfic writers simply haven’t put the work into it, and a lot of what I see in the Library has sparks of what could be truly amazing writing.

        After all, evenTara Gilesbe (or however that’s spelled) has grown a whole lot since writing the dreaded My Immortal, which came from her own irreverence in the pursuit of writing.

        As for the story itself it can be found at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11398004/1/Stray-Shadows. It hasn’t been updated in a while, as I found the canon lore got way ahead of what I planned to do with my story. Though this story served its purpose of giving me something to write. I’ve now written a few short stories and am putting together a larger steampunk adventure, both of which can be found on my personal site.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        YES YES YES ALL OF MY YES. That is exactly right. I attempted to write a novel in
        Highschool, and I thought it was quality because my “friend” (who wasn’t a very good one, in hindsight) never gave me any solid input and actually had less skill than I did.

        I now have two betas that I work with constantly. They are very good friends and both good writers themselves, and with all three of us put together we produce amazing work. A good beta is one who is not only someone you can count on for good info, but someone who enjoys your work and pushes you to always be at the top of your game.

        I have concluded that even a good writer is better working with others than alone, and that is why I notice most badfics have no betas, or like Link’s Queen, they have a fucking meltdown of epic proportions when they are criticized.

        I think some of the traits I listed are inherent or typical, but learning from others and reaching out (speaking as an anxiety ball of nerves myself) is a huge boon.

        I think that people miss the point that criticism and commentary are not meant to drive people away from writing, but to create more good writers. Writing is something everyone can do, even if not everyone can do it well at first. There is nothing more sad to me than seeing someone who tries to write giving up. Unless you are EclipsePheniox or the like.

        Then you really should give up. Plz bby.

        I may check your fic out. I’m a wee on the busy side, but you’ll know if I comment since I use the same name everywhere and it’s hard to miss.

  38. andiliteman says:

    Crimson red sputtered into the air, drenching my once pink dress.

    She wore a pink dress over a scorching desert, perilous river and twisted mountains to fight dragons?

    Screw it, I’m pretending it looks like this:

  39. Delta XIII says:

    “We have no choice but to break for it, hopefully we can out run them.”

    Outrun them. Your plan is to outrun dragons. While you yourself are on horseback.

  40. Delta XIII says:

    Nora: This chapter is still super long, so we’re gonna call it here and pick up the rest next week. See you then!

    Holy shit sandwiches, there’s still more?!

  41. Leider Hosen says:

    I’m trying very hard to keep reading, but honestly the source material is so oppressively, unrelentingly boring and disengaging it’s very hard to avoid skimming. Writing a fantasy setting is HARD. It is HARD WORK. You have to not only have a world that has tons of interesting things and locales in it, but you have to have all of it make sense, all of it follow it’s own internal logic, have some truly deep and interconnected lore, and above all have that setting supported by a good plot with good characters.

    Seeing this author try to accomplish something way out of her depth, making DRAGONS boring and every “setting” feel like it takes up all of thirty square yards is just…. uggggg.

    • GhostCat says:

      There seems to be a big misconception among young’ns that creative endeavors – be it writing, or drawing, or dancing, or what have you – just sort of … happens without any effort. Because you can read a book in a few hours, therefore it should only take a few hours to write, right? Wrong. Very much wrong. Being any kind of artist is HARD FUCKING WORK. It can take six to ten years to get good at something. And, just like with computers, GIGO (garbage in, garbage out) applies. If you half-ass something, it’s going to show.

      • erttheking says:

        Seriously. I’ve been writing for the better part of a decade now, and I’m only just now getting around to creating my own original fantasy setting. It’s proving to be a very long and difficult process. I’ve got 5,000 words in notes (granted a lot of them are copy pasted chat logs from me brainstorming with my friend) and I feel like I only have VERY rough outlines.

      • andiliteman says:

        You reminded me of my art teacher, who blamed the public school system for marginalizing the arts. He said that students think that they’re either talented or they’re not, and if they’re not, it’s not worth being artistic at all.

        “ing is a teachable skill” is a phrase I heard almost every time I entered his class room. He said that our first work may or may not be good, but, after learning under him, we would all improve and be better than we were. I’ve taken that view on writing, too. Even a talented writer can’t write a masterpiece unless he puts some effort into it.

        The reason behind that little beef of his, though, is that modern education puts great importance on things such as reading, social studies, history and other “left-brained” activities while taking the arts as something extra, meaning the only people who put any sort of vigor into it are the artists!

        I really miss that guy.

        Boy, aren’t we building some walls today?

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        That sounds disturbingly similar to my own writing process.

      • andiliteman says:

        (Dang! Ninja’d by Ert!)

        I get how you feel about the fantasy setting. I spent months writing a few centuries’ worth of history just to get to the plot. Each character also has a life story, and many have deep ties to the lore.

        You have to build a friggin world from the ground up before you can even get to the plot, which means NO screwing around with what is and isn’t. Just like you can’t put fairies in a story in our world, you can’t put them in any other world that doesn’t have fairies. Just because it’s fantasy doesn’t mean there aren’t rules.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Wow… I didn’t expect such a simple comment to get so many people talking, it’s awesome hearing all you guy’s philosophies, I think that every good artist has a mindset they take into their writing.

        I only started writing for fun recently in 2013, but it was something I took every excuse to go all out on in school much earlier, as evident by the fact I can’t just SAY something, I have to engage in a long and epic rants made of giant walls of text about it. That was a year before I started FanFiction and the year I started writing my first novel, which was, suffice to say, extremely ambitious for a sophomore writer. I worked tirelessly on it and I like to think it shows, even though I developed it tremendously further in 2015, when I hit about my fourth rewrite. Anywho, I prided myself that it came to a little over 700 pages, but when I went back for the first rewrite in 2014 I realized it was… bad.

        Really, really bad. It had tons of cool things in it, sure. It had a vast world and some great characters, sure. But even with the hard work I put in I lacked the maturity to develop it to the level it could have been. Realizing I spent 2 years writing 700 pages of bad fanfiction really sucked, but at the same time I realize that it’s not totally irredeemable, I just have to go back to the drawing board and put the work into completely working it from the ground up.

        As it stands, I’ve put the work completely on hold and I’m ashamed of it, but I’ve never stopped working to get better and I’ve started a new novel with a very… odd way of approaching fantasy in general.

        But the point is, and what gets me more angry than anything else, is that you cannot be lazy when you write. You have to pour your heart and soul into your creation because your fiction should represent the best you have. If you don’t take pride in your work, you have no business trying to publish it or complain when you get negative reviews, simple as that.

        You have to give it everything you have and be prepared to do it all over again if you fail, or you get better and want your work to catch up with you. That is why people who create amazing works of fiction deserve such great respect, and why I like to help other people with their writing. Being there for writers who have the drive to succeed and want some guidance is a great way to improve your own skills and to create more good writers, who in turn can create more good writers themselves.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I get how you feel about the fantasy setting. I spent months writing a few centuries’ worth of history just to get to the plot.

        Psshaw.

        I started at the Standard Model and have almost worked up to the fundamentals of biology.

      • andiliteman says:

        Totally following you. I started writing when I was about… What… Eight? My early stuff really bombed, but I’ve tried to write as mush as possible and I’ve improved immensely. I also have a ridiculously long, dumb story that will never see the light of day. At least you managed to redeem yours. I might introduce you to my Great Sue sometime, though.

        It’s great to hear your story. I relate to it in a number of ways. Its also neat that you started young, that always helps.

        It’s always great to meet new writers. It’s why I spend so much time here.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        Same, I’m really pleasantly surprised you and I have gotten along so well. And I wouldn’t say I’ve redeemed my old story just yet, it will be a huge endeavor.

        “I might introduce you to my Great Sue sometime, though.”

        lol. You’re going to love my next installment of the Savior. I resurrected one of my very first OCs: an edgy, immature, psychotic Awesome McEvil. It was pretty hard to have him be “in character” since it’s been so long since I used him and he’s played for comedy, but I tried to manage it because I couldn’t rag on shitty fanfiction without dragging myself into the fray.

        He’s a pretty apt metaphor for myself. He started as an OP, Generic plot device with a laughable personality. Then he became the main antagonist of the story and gained a much more developed, sophisticated backstory. He aged and became more intelligent as I revised him again and again, until he became a tragic villain with a pretty complex morality. He’s now one of my all time favorite OCs and I was happy to try and bring him back.

      • andiliteman says:

        Ah, I think he’d get along quite nicely with my dear Mordred.

        I’ll read it, though it would require catching up on the first installment. Not that big of an endeavor, though. I’ve got a lot of free time.

      • BatJamags says:

        I have… issues with writing. I’m great at nonfiction essays and stuff (most of the time), but whenever I try fiction, it just feels a little hollow and I end up scrapping it. I guess I’m too good of a critic to be a good writer: I immediately see why my stuff sucks, so I drop it and never practice. As soon as I have some more spare time, I think I’ll just try to get to the end of one story and then try to fix it until it’s actually good.

      • Leider Hosen says:

        For what it’s worth, and I didn’t say this before because I was lurking since people freak me out, I thought your Riff was funny and I enjoyed it.

        That one quip you made on Heroes and Villains about telling instead of showing made me genuinely laugh out loud, and that doesn’t happen often.

        Being extremely critical on yourself (in excess) is a good way to kill your enthusiasm. Aside from simple quality checks, just relax and see what you can do. Sometimes you’ll surprise yourself with what concepts work.

      • BatJamags says:

        Thanks! I’m glad you liked the riff. I wrote the Arkham Asylum ones a while ago, and I think some of the ones that haven’t gone up yet are stronger efforts, but I think that’s more because I had better material to work with.

      • andiliteman says:

        Oh, totally agree with Leider.

        Bats, you make me laugh out loud every day. I love it. ;)

    • TacoMagic says:

      I remember a writing lecture I went to on world building. The rule of thumb that the panelists went by was that for every written page of a good fantasy novel, you should have three more pages of world building notes.

      And if you’re as prominent as JRR Tolkien, eventually you can publish the notes as their own thing.

  42. TacoMagic says:

    “There’s a cave just big enough just on the other side.”

    On the other side, OF THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN! Do you have any idea how big a mountain is, author? Even smaller mountains are generally a mile or more across. You aren’t just rushing a few minutes to get around that.

    • andiliteman says:

      Have you seen LQ’s sense of scale? She could see the fairies from the opposite side of a lake, they crossed a fatally dangerous desert in just under five hours and Link went away to FREAKING WAR for only a couple of months.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I can’t but help feeling we may be able to blame this one yet again on our old friend: video game mechanics in fiction.

      • andiliteman says:

        Yup. It makes total sense for a video game. In fact, it’s even encouraged. But, and this is another “Badfic 101” concept: It doesn’t translate well to something that isn’t a video game.

        I really wish badfic writers would get that sort of thing. Different media may all be able to “Tell stories”, but they do it in fundamentally different ways.

      • TacoMagic says:

        I’m just thankful that few have taken it to the extreme that ID did. I still can’t imagine what he was thinking with having powerups just sitting around in the Jurassic period. Not to mention the fecking pack-a-punch.

      • andiliteman says:

        I haven’t read that one, but it sounds incredibly stupid.

        Adaption is pretty difficult as is, but I’m shocked at how little badfic authors seem to understand about it.

        Come to think of it, though, the Pac-Man television show did something similar to that. It was perhaps the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

      • TacoMagic says:

        It was easily the stupidest thing I’ve riffed. Not the worst, but definitely the stupidest.

        It was also the first, or at least one of the first, riffs we got taken down for a rules violation. Apparently there is a line at which the FF.Net folk will actually enforce their rules. That line is somewhere between plagiarizing and explicit pedophilia.

      • andiliteman says:

        Oh, I remember those shows, Ghostie. They weren’t near as bad as Pac-Man, though.

  43. CrunchyRaptor says:

    I’ll put him in contact with Crunchy.

    *Crunchy stalking in, licking his claws clean*

    I really must thank you for putting me in contact with the wonderful mea-

    Let’s see if we can work our magic with horses.

    Oh. Conversion. Yes, well, it is going just fine. Many evil horses soon.

    I have to go.

  44. TacoMagic says:

    With a sudden flash, the moon turned a blood red as fire shot down from the sky, striking down on the blues in a raging fury, causing them to scream in pain as the hellish blaze singed their scaled skin.

    One of which still has Link slung over its back. Or at least the smoldering husk that was Link. Good Jerb.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s