1613: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 2
Posted: December 6, 2016 Filed under: Legend of Zelda, My Inner Life | Tags: Erttheking, Legend of Zelda, Link's Queen, My Inner Life, Romance
Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: I’m sad to say that this is going to be the last story that we rift for a good long while. IRL is being a massive asshole to me, I’m stressing a lot, and I just don’t have the same passion that I used to for this line of work. I’m trying to sort my life out and I’m kind of clueless in that regard. Either way, I need to take a break.
Nora: Kind of morose. Let’s just jump right into things.
“I think you should stay here the night.” “It wouldn’t be wise to travel until sunrise.” “But one thing is worrying me now, is this Ariakas, planning to invade Hyrule?” Zelda questioned the Griffin with fear in her voice.
Goeth: Why in the world would you think that? This battle has been going on for centuries. If it’s gone on that long and you don’t even know who he is, do you really think that he’s planning on invading your kingdom?
Ert: I’m still mad that Zelda somehow knew about Giffins yet didn’t know about this generic dark lord.
“Honestly m’ lady, I couldn’t tell you.” “For as much as I can tell you, it seems that the Dark Knights have remained solely to the north, but with as much twisted desire Ariakas has I wouldn’t be too surprised if he does plan on spreading his control past the (17)Black Desert.”
(17) The Black Desert is a dangerous and treacherous desert that borders Hyrule’s western border. This desert is well known for its thick black sand and dangerously immense heat, hence the name Black Desert. Only one so brave with a strong will manages to cross the immense Black Desert and lives to tell about it. Most who attempt to cross it, either die from heat exhaustion, or get lost in it.
Nora: Black sand? Anyone want to tell me how the hell that happened?
Goeth: And can someone please point out the black colored desert on the western border of Hyrule? I can’t seem to find it.
Goeth: I mean, there’s clearly the Gerudo Desert in that general area, but I’m failing to see a black desert.
Zelda’s fearful look was cast upon me, her blue eyes turning a dull gray.
Goeth: Eyes still don’t do that, so it seems like there’s some sort of mutation going around.
At that moment I knew that if this Dark Lord from the Shadow Realm was indeed planning a dark invasion of Hyrule, I was going to be the sole protector since of my role as part of the ancient Silverlite race.
Ert: Wow. I mean. Wow. Could you be anymore full of yourself? Not only do you think you know this guy well enough to know what he’s going to do, you think that he’s the only one who can stop him? And that you’re the only one who is going to try? Wow. Double fuck you Jenna.
(Mary Sue Counter: 28)
Goeth: And when you get down to it, every race is ancient. All the other races were around when the stupidly named race was around. What makes them so special that they get singled out?
I was an elemental user, one that welds the great power of the forces of nature, and in that I was the strongest protector Hyrule had. I could tell that within Zelda’s eyes, she was counting on me if such an invasion should happen. But one thing worried me, if such an invasion happened in the near future, would I really be of any use since I was still expecting?
Nora: Cut the last five words of that sentence out and the overall concern doesn’t change at all. Jenna hasn’t exactly proven herself to be a very viable fighter, regardless of how many Mary Sue points she’s managed to score.
Ert: Seriously. Link, at the very least, fought in a war. A vague, off-screen war, but a war nonetheless. The only thing Jenna has done is scare off some bandits and killed a guy who was practically handing her victory on a silver platter. She doesn’t even know how her powers work that well.
At that point I was six months pregnant and not too sure what the effects of welding the great power over the elements would have on Link’s unborn child.
Goeth: Sure, let’s focus on that. Let’s focus on that and ignore the prospect that six months into pregnancy, most women are not capable of physically straining acts.
Ert: “Link’s unborn child.” Right, because it’s only his kid. You’re just an incubation chamber with legs.
Lots of questions danced threw my mind that night as Link and Dalamar prepared for their departure upon sunrise. As Link prepared his saddlebags I went over to him and gave him a worried look. “I’m coming with you no matter what decision you make!” I spat, my face twisting into a scowl. “I remember when you tried to deny me accompanying you to the Water Temple.” “If I recall, you just might have ended up a permanent prisoner of Dark Link had I not gone with you.”
Nora: Uh, Jenna? Is there any reason why you’re getting so pissy out of nowhere? Link didn’t exactly snub you, saying that you weren’t coming with him because you would be dead weight. You bringing up the Water Temple just makes it look like you were holding a grudge for a very long time.
Ert: “prisoner.” Yeah, because this version of Dark Link would’ve just locked Link up and spent the rest of his life laughing about it. Because, for a story that features so much sex, LQ’s work here is rather G rated. It’s weird.
Link’s eyes turned a sudden shade of red as he spoke in an agitated tone.
Ert: Uh. Goeth?
Goeth: Demonic possession. It happens sometimes. It’s like an earthquake or a house catching fire. Unfortunate, and it’s always going to be a thing.
“Listen Jenna you don’t understand, you’re carrying our unborn child, and I think that this time it will be too dangerous for you to come as pregnant as you are.” “When you accompanied me to the Water Temple, you sure as hell wasn’t expecting.”
Nora: And Link actually has a very good reason for why you shouldn’t be going along with him. So you getting angry makes even less sense now.
Ert: Christ, please tell me this story isn’t going down the road of her being emotional because she’s pregnant.
Goeth: Are you really asking?
Link went pale-the pain of the memory when he found me near dead on the ground in the Temple wrenched his heart. I was able to feel his mind wrenching of all kinds of fears of him loosing me or his unborn child, but even in light of his overgrowing fears I was not about to let that stop me from accompanying him along on this journey.
Ert: You also aren’t going to let logic stop you either…actually wait a damn minute. It was established the Hyrule has an entire army at the ready. There’s a dark order of dragon riders out there. And Link is going to go off and take care of it by himself? God, everyone in this story is stupid. See, this is why the games tend to either underplay Hyrule’s armed forces, or show them as being ineffective.
Nora: Army or pregnant woman for back up. And this story picks the second option.
“Link my undying love, I understand your fears and concerns, but I think I’m well enough to be able to protect myself.” “Or did you soon forget that I am a descent of the great Silverlite race?” “Remember I am an elemental user.” I returned nonchalantly. Link returned a cold icy stare, the blue draining from his eyes and being replace by a dull stormy gray.
Goeth: I’m starting to wonder if there’s anyone in this story who doesn’t have gray eyes at this point.
Ert: And are Silverlite’s immune to the problems that come with pregnancy? Because I fucking doubt it.
“Jenna listen this time I’m making the decision for you.” “You are six months pregnant and because of that I cannot allow you to go.” “So just put the damn notion of going out of your mind.” Link spat, his cold hands gripping my shoulders. With an angry growl, I pushed Link’s hands off of me as my eyes filled up with anger.
Nora: Ok, for the record, both of them are coming off as irrational and unlikable. Link because he’s being an asshole and saying that he’s making Jenna’s decisions for her, and Jenna because she’s being pissy and stupid.
Ert: LQ, stop jerking us around. We know that she’s going to come. I hate it when stories do this. Throwing up objections that are obviously going to be overruled. Now that the story has stopped goofing off and decided to actually have a plot, there’s no way that Jenna isn’t going to be involved. The story doesn’t have enough guts to leave her out of important events.
“Damnit…..by the Goddesses Link I coming with you!” “I WILL NOT sit back and let you go on this journey without my aid.” “I don’t care if you’re worried about me, Damnit Link I’m worried about you!” I retorted stubbornly, my hands clenching into fists. Then my eyes lowered as my gaze slowly softened. “Link listen I care for you, you’re my whole world, and I know that I mean the same to you but, I feel that as a mated pair, there are just some things that one of us cannot do alone.”
Goeth: I don’t recall that being part of the extremely arbitrary rules. Which is odd, because it feels like it should’ve been. Those rules all had the air of trying to make disturbing control look romantic. Shouldn’t they say something along the lines of how they always need to be together? Regardless of potential danger?
Nora: Also her saying that this is something one of them can’t do alone is laughable. I would like to remind everyone that, not five minutes ago, she was thinking about how she would be the sole protector of Hyrule.
“Isn’t our love based on faith and trust?” “Aren’t we connected together in every aspect of our being?” I walked over to Link and into his warm arms, my eyes locking with his. “Link my love, you’re just going to have to trust me.” “That is one part of what our love is all about.”
Ert: Throwing logic to the winds and destroying your lives just so you can be together? That’s…what am I saying, that IS what their love is all about.
Link’s hard gaze suddenly softened, his gentle arms holding me close. “Jenna my life, I do trust you and I have always had faith in your abilities, I’m just concerned for the well-being of you and our unborn child.” “I just cannot stand the thought of loosing either of you.” “I still think it would be wise if you stay here.”
Ert: Yes, he has faith in her abilities to fart out new and exciting traits whenever the plot demands it/whenever the author thinks of one.
I quickly placed a finger gently on his lips. “I’m still going.” I returned softly. “Well I guess once your mind is made up”-Link chuckled softly-“I’m not going to be able to change your decision.” I nodded in return. “Sigh,” “Women for ya, once they’re minds are made up, there is no changing it.” Link said sarcastically as he softly pressed his warm lips against mine.
Nora: Blow me. I never found this “women always x” thing to be charming. Even if it’s something positive. Heck, gender stereotypes in general just annoy me. Unless they’re being played for laughs. I like them then. It’s when they’re used for serious commentary on genders that I get pissed.
The night passed quickly, and the suns first rays were rising over the horizon as I was saddling my horse and making my final preparations for my departure with Link and Dalamar. After we all made the final preparations, Link and I mounted our horses and readied to depart. Dalamar emerged from the Castle and joined us at the front gate.
Goeth: Is there any reason why Hugh was the last one out? As someone who can fly, he has the least amount of prep time. And he’s the one who has the most investment in making sure that everything goes right here.
Ert: This is a nitpick, but I still feel like it’s worth commenting on.
I checked one last time to make sure my bow, quiver and Phoenix Circles were secure before turning my attention to the Griffin. Dalamar looked at us sternly, his wings flexing against the gentle blowing wind. “Are you ready my friends?” Dalamar questioned. “As ready as ever.” Link returned as he eagerly waited to leave. I just nodded. “Well then, let us get moving.” “We should try to reach the Black Mountains before sundown.”
Nora: So why the hell has no one seen a Griffin before if their home is just a day’s ride away? Even if they don’t leave often and are slow to trust, someone would try and go meet them. That’s just how curiosity works.
Ert: More importantly, if this home of theirs is under constant attack, how the heck did the generic dark lord not draw anyone else’s attention?
Turning my horse around I started to follow behind Link when Zelda called to us. “Please be careful.” “May the Goddesses protect you on you’re journey and provide you’re safe return home.”
Ert: I don’t like to get on people for typos, it’d be too hypocritical, but that double misuse of you’re…wow.
We looked back at Zelda one last time before moving out. “Thank you m’ lady.” “I appreciate all that you’ve done for me.” Dalamar said, his gaze soft upon hers. “Don’t worry about Link and I.” “We’ll be fine, I’m sure we will return home safely, just please take good care of our son.”
Goeth: They don’t exactly need much prompting to leave their child in the care of someone else. In fact, unless I’m very much mistaken, he’s spent more on screen time being handed off to someone else than being watched by his parents. At least, in more recent chapters.
Nora: Link and Jenna are crappy parents. Go figure.
I added as a smile of reassurance crossed my face. “Now my friends we must move on.” “Time is of the essence.” Dalamar retorted. Nodding in agreement, I resumed following behind Link, leaving the sanctuary of Hyrule behind.
Ert: I’d just like to remind you that this “sanctuary” played home to Dark Link. Granted he was so generically evil he could potentially qualify as a non-threat. Even with his rape threats. He probably would’ve just torn her dress a bit and laughed for the next thirty-seven hours.
The sun was high up and the heat treacherous as we made our way across the vast Black Desert. We had been traveling for about four hours and I was already tired from sitting in my saddle. Thick sweat beaded my face as my parched mouth cried for water.
Goeth: I notice that they didn’t say anything about dressing for the desert. Usually you want to wear something loose and light, so that you don’t sweat and become dehydrated as a result. Even if it’s just a short trip, you should be prepared.
Nora: We already know that she’s not going to do it. Hell, LQ thought that a black desert was a good idea when she was writing this. It’s clear she’s not really familiar with how deserts work.
I reached into my saddlebags and pulled out my waterskin. Raising it to my dried lips, I took a long gulp before replacing the cap and returning it to my saddlebags. The heat was so unbearable that it was causing shapes of false objects to form in the desert sand. And even the heat wave that the desert was producing caused the images of Link and Dalamar to look distant and warped. Though we pressed on, pushing our very horses to the limit, their mouths gaped open; their tongues dry from the hot desert air.
Nora: Great. The horses are about to die because Link and Jenna are pushing them too hard and not giving them enough water. Great. Just great.
Goeth: It’s fitting we brought up Eragon the other day. This is an awful lot like that idiotic trip he took through the desert.
The minutes that we spent in that damn desert of death seemed like hours when finally a miracle by the goddesses loomed just ahead. After what seemed like and endless push threw that treacherous desert, we finally came to the end and emerged near a vast rushing river.
Ert: Uh, ok. The way this is worded, it sounds like it took them ten minutes to cross this desert. And that they’re all exhausted because of it. To be perfectly frank, Jenna does strike me as someone who was so pampered that ten minutes in a desert would reduce her to a state of exhaustion, but I don’t feel like that’s what LQ wanted me to think.
Goeth: It’s always interesting to see the disparity between what the author wants us to think about a character and who their characters actually are.
(18)”This is the Snake River.” Dalamar said as his crystal eyes scanned the bank on the other side. “The river is too fast and deep to cross on foot.” “We’ll have to build a raft large enough to ferry the horses on.”
Ert: Raft? RAFT!? YOU FORD THAT FUCKING RIVER!
Ert: Only option! Fucking ford!
Nora: And let me guess. Snake river is shaped like a snake?
(18) The Snake River is a large winding river found near the Black Desert’s border. This massive river is deadly to cross because of the malevolent swelling waters and dangerous rapids. Only few ever succeed to cross it and live to tell about it.
Nora: Winds…winds like a snake…close enough. Also, a massive river right next to a desert.
Goeth: What is this? The Nile?
Scanning the area surrounding the river, I noticed a large thicket of trees just up river. “There’s a large amount of foliage just a short way up river, we can use those trees to build a raft.” Walking up beside me, Dalamar scanned the way ahead. “I see no signs of any danger up that way, so lets get a move on.”
Ert: Filler dialogue. Doesn’t add anything. Please move on.
We pressed on up river and into the thick foliage. There we proceeded to make a makeshift raft, using vines found among the trees to hold it together. After we pushed it down to the bank, we loaded on the horses then Link and I went on followed by Dalamar.
Nora: Ok, a river being near a desert is one thing, it could happen, but thick foliage? Right outside a desert? Uh. No.
Goeth: If you had put some distance between yourself and the desert, maybe. Not this close though.
Taking a long pole made of wood, Link steered us along against the river’s swift current, taking heed to watch for rocks lying wait under the river’s whitecaps. Slowly but surely we made our way across and onto the other side. From there we mounted and headed for Dragonmount.
Ert: Sorry, what was the description of that river again?
(18) The Snake River is a large winding river found near the Black Desert’s border. This massive river is deadly to cross because of the malevolent swelling waters and dangerous rapids. Only few ever succeed to cross it and live to tell about it.
Nora: I fail to see how that describe the river that Link and Jenna just idly poled over. It even sounds like the trip was a slow and idle one.
The sky was setting off tones of deep pink, and lavender, the sun starting to set as we neared Dragonmount. I watched in awe as the dragon shaped mountain appeared in the distance. Just then Dalamar turned and looked back at us. “We must make hast, the sun has already started to set.” “This is a bad area to be in after nightfall.” “We must press on at a faster pace.” Dalamar said with worry. “But Dalamar the horses…….” I started to say. “The horses what?” Dalamar cut in. “They need rest, look at them they’re exhausted.” “I’ll have to agree with my wife Dalamar, the horses haven’t had any rest since we left Hyrule.” Link added.
Ert: That’s because you’re stupid. You had the horses going all day. This is actually pretty mild compared to most abuse of horses in fiction, but it’s still abuse.
“The only problem is, Lord Ariakas’s Knights patrol this area at night.”
Goeth: It was brought to our attention that, apparently, LQ is a plagiarist. Ariakas is a character from Dragonlance, a series of novels and a Dungeons and Dragons setting.
Ert: HA! CALLED IT! I knew dragons being rigidly referred to by color must’ve had a D&D inspiration of some kind.
Goeth: We know nothing about Dragonlance, and since there seems to be dozens of novels, we’re not going to be doing too much in depth research. What we do know is that in the books it was Emperor Ariakas.
Nora: A much more impressive name. Also why does he patrol at night and not in the morning?
“If we don’t press on past Dragonmount, we might be found by the (19)Dark Knights, and trust me, you don’t want to get captured by them.”
Ert: Uh, LQ? You already introduced the Dark Knights. It’s a little late to be bringing up an annotation for them now. But ok, what is it?
(19) Dark Knights are people who walk in the way of the shadow under the guidance and rule of Lord Ariakas. These dangerous followers of Ariakas, practice in the ways of dark magic and walk down the evil path of the shadow, driven by the demons of the Shadow Realm. As a symbol of their faith, Dark Knights wear armor decorated with skulls and the symbol of the Black Lilly. Most people who chose to walk the path of darkness, usually spend their life serving the shadow, though only a few have ever managed to changes sides due to the fact that once you swear allegiance to Ariakas in a blood oath, you give your soul over to him and to the Shadow Realm, therefore sealing your fate to them.
Nora: First of all, one of the good guys in Ocarina of Time is Impa, the SHADOW SAGE! Therefore, saying that there is an “evil path of shadow” seems to be oversimplifying things a wee bit.
Goeth: Second of all, skulls are bulky things. You’d be lucky to get three on your armor before they started getting in the way. And they’d get in the way.
Ert: He knows that from experience doesn’t he? Anyway, finally, Black Lily is not a very impressive thing to decorate yourself with.
“They have been known to be ruthless and even as far as to kill in blood for glory.” Dalamar said shakily, his eye glaring over at us.
Nora: Uh. Wot?
Ert: They kill while covered in blood?
Goeth: Don’t recommend it. The stains would take forever to get out.
“I’ve fought worse then that.” “How can these Dark Knights amount up to what Gannondorf was?” Link said stoutly as he shifted in his saddle. “Listen hero, you don’t understand these Dark Knights like I do.” “My people have been fighting them for centuries, and trust me, they’re more ruthless then you think they are.”
Nora: He doesn’t understand it because you keep talking about them with incredibly vague terms. Be a little more specific and maybe he’ll be able to get a better grip on the situation.
Just then I spotted something up ahead. “By the Goddesses what the hell is that up there?” I said as I pointed my finger skyward. Dalamar raised his head up then cried out. “Draconians, we must get the hell out of here before we’re spotted!” Dalamar screeched, taking off full throttle.
Ert: He wants to avoid being spotted. So he takes off. Making himself easy to spot. Brilliant. And using modern terminology in a story where it should not exist.
Booting my horse in the legs, the animal took off at full speed behind Link.
Goeth: After you were bucked off of course.
We pushed on at a full gallop, winding around small boulders lining the dirt road. I lowered my head down till my chin was against the horse’s tattered mane, the wind whipped the horse’s mane against my face as we rode. Dragonmount slowly loomed over us as we came closer, eerie tendrils of black smoke swelled around it, making it look like an evil creature waiting to attack. “Hurry…hurry, we must reach the safety of Dragonmount!” Dalamar cried again,
Nora: *Snort* I’m sorry. The mountain being a safe haven, after it was described like that.
his voice warped over the howling wind. We rode hard and fast, the hooves of our galloping horses kicked up dust and dirt behind them, as the shadows of the overhead creatures threatened to close in on us. The eerie screeching of the massive dragons rang threw my ears as they came closer, the beating of their massive leathery wings stirred up dust clouds around us.
I looked up and saw that they were closing in on us,
Ert: They’re closing in on you wen they’re so close that their wings are kicking up dust storms around you? Oh, you don’t fucking say.
Nora: You’d think that Hugh would have a better way to avoid these things, considering how long he’s been fighting them.
the dragon’s Hugh black talons were outstretched, its angry yellow eyes piercing deep into mine. “Dalamar we’ve been spotted, they’re closing in on us!” I cried over the howling wind, my eyes wide with fear.
Goeth: I feel like Jenna talks just to feel like she’s contributing.
Ert: Dragon. Hey. Dragon. You’re a dragon. Open that fucking mouth of yours and breath fire.
“Hurry….we’re almost there-Dalamar screeched-we must reach Dragonmount before they do!” I booted my horse again, forcing her to go as fast as possible, her eyes wide with fear as the death screeches of the dragons came closer. Dragonmount was just ahead, just a few feet further……we came upon it, the black swells of smoke rose around us as we moved to the base of the gigantic rock formation. Pulling my horse to a skidding stop, I dismounted and moved along side Link and Dalamar while guiding my horse by the reins.
Nora: Uh, so what? Are they safe now or something? Is this smoke a barrier or something? Or is it some sort of naturally occurring thingie? Talk to me! I don’t know a thing about what’s going on!
Ert: And wouldn’t the Draconians have a way around it?
“There’s a cave just big enough just on the other side.” “We must hurry and take sanctuary inside it, before the Draconians come for us.” Dalamar urged, his crystal blue eyes watching the black skies above.
Nora: More gem eyes I see. You could build a castle out of all their eyes if you took the time to chisel them out.
We slowly make our way around the small mountain under the cover of the thick smoke that wrapped around it, it’s eeriness causing shivers to run down my spine. We listened as the dead silence was broken by the cries of dragons as they landed just meters from where we were hiding, causing the horses to buck and neigh, they’re eyes wide with fear. “Keep those horses quiet, the dragons will hear them!” Dalamar growled.
Ert: They’re fucking dragons. They can smell them.
Nora: Or at the very least, the rider should be able to figure out where they went. I mean, after all, they’re only meters away. Just have the dragon screen the area with fire.
Link and I quieted our horses with a few pats to the neck and words of reassurance. The dragons evil yellow eyes pierced the darkness as they’re nostrils flared in searching for us. We just remained quiet, moving ever so slightly as we made our way to the other side. Just then Dalamar caught sight of what type of dragons were hunting us. “Oh by the Goddesses, those are blue dragons, the most dangerous of all dragons.”
Goeth: One second.
Goeth: In Dragonlance, they’re actually smaller than most dragons. They’re more maneuverable and cooperative, but I fail to see how they’re more dangerous than other dragons. Although they do like desert and dry environments. Let me check the D&D blue dragon.
Goeth: Most reasonable of all the dragons. Not saying a huge amount but you know.
Ert: So she’s making up shit as she goes longhand isn’t establishing it very well.
“They’re eyes can see the slightest movements, as they can smell almost anything.” “We must remain cautious, they’re searching for us and if we move too fast they’ll spot us for sure.”
Nora: “They can smell us. Move slowly.”
Goeth: I swear, these people get control of dragons and this is what they do with them?
Dalamar whispered as he forced his back up against the smooth surface of Dragonmount. As we moved, I watched as the two dragons piercing yellow eyes scanned the base of the mountain for us, they’re jaws gapped open, exposing they’re long fangs against the blackness.
Ert: Ok, what’s the visibility in this area? How can these idiots see the dragons but the dragons can’t see them? Particularly when they’re dragons that are supposed to have super good eyesight?
Nora: Eyesight is just one of many things that run on plot.
Just looking at those yellow eyes full of blood lust made my body quiver in fear, as they’re long fangs looked as if they could tear a man in half. Then I noticed something move against the back of one of the dragons. As I narrowed my eyes, I was able to make out a figure in black armor, lined with skulls of death, its helm shaped like a skull
Goeth: You double dipped on the skull front.
Ert: Skulls of death? I just…I don’t even…fucking…
with horns as a dark blue cape whipped wildly around the figures shoulders. In the figure’s hand was a long sword with the emblem of a (20)Black Lilly at the base of the blade.
Ert: YOU ALREADY FUCKING-oh forget it.
(20) The Black Lilly is the symbol of the Shadow Realm and all Dark knights are required to wear this upon their armor as a symbol of their allegiance and blood oath to Lord Ariakas.
Ert: I FUCKING NOW!
It’s deadly surface reflected against the dim light of the moon. “Oh no by the goddesses, those must be the Dark Knights Dalamar told us about.” I whispered to my self, eying the dark figure on the dragon’s back. “If they are as deadly as Dalamar says, then we must escape at all costs.”
Nora: Jenna, we already have a narrator, stop edging in on his territory.
Goeth: See what I mean about her talking to make herself feel important?
I pushed up closer against Link, taking his hand in mine and squeezed it tightly. “Don’t worry my love, we’ll be all right.” Link reassured soothingly, his hand squeezing mine back. “We won’t be if we don’t hurry, the cave’s just up ahead.” Dalamar retorted quietly, his beak brushing against the thick smoke.
Ert: Hey dragon rider #1? Do you hear something?
Nora: What do you mean dragon rider #2? The sound of two badly written characters flirting?
Ert: Yeah that’s it.
Nora: Sadly. If we attack them we’ll just suffering an embarrassing defeat due to Mary Sue
Ert: Just ignore them then.
Just before we made it to the cave entrance, one of the dragons stepped out just a few feet from it,
Ert: Before it was feet, now it’s meters. Imperial or metric. Pick one and fucking stick with it.
Goeth: This is amusing. Of all the odd back and forth we’ve seen, we’ve never need
its yellow eyes staring directly down in the direction where we were hiding. Its nostrils flared as it sniffed the air, its mouth gaped wide, thick saliva dripping from its fangs. “Oh no by the fires of hell, I think they’re on to us!” Dalamar cursed, the color draining from his eyes. “It must smell the horses!”
Nora: Yes, because I’m sure Griffin and human smell like nothing.
“Horsemeat is a dragons favorite food!”
Nora: Uh, you know this how?
Goeth: Do you really want an answer to that question?
“Then what the hell do you suppose we’re going to do!?” Link growled, his face twisting into a scowl. “We have no choice but to break for it, hopefully we can out run them.” Dalamar returned. Though the thought of running straight into a dragons claws didn’t make Dalamar rest any easier.
Ert: Maybe shoot them in the face with a Light Arrow? That’s a pretty powerful weapon.
Nora: I don’t think Link is allowed to be productive when he’s not sexually satisfying Jenna in this story.
Link and I mounted our horses and waited for Dalamar’s signal. “On my signal take off and break left, hopefully we can get ahead of them before they notice we’ve left.” “Now go!” Dalamar cried as he took off at full throttle, breaking just left of the dragon’s right side. Booting my horse in the legs, the animal took off at full speed behind Link’s stallion, following the same path
Ert: That horse is going to defect and join up with the forces of not good people if you keep abusing it like that.
Goeth: I’ll put him in contact with Crunchy. Let’s see if we can work our magic with horses.
Dalamar took. As we broke north towards the Black Mountains, I heard shouting from behind. “There they go, after them!” “They have a damned Griffin with them, we must capture it!”
Ert: Capture it? CAPTURE IT! THEY’RE AT WAR AND HAVE BEEN FOR CENTURIES AND THEY WANT TO CAPTURE IT INSTEAD OF KILLING! ARE YOU FUCKING-*hyperventilates into a bag*
Nora: Why can’t people write villains with something resembling nuance around here?
Came some of the cries as they noticed us running away. The sound of heavy beating wings filled the air as the massive blue dragons took flight, they’re cries breaking the dead silence of the night. I hunched down against the horse’s neck, its ragged mane whipping against my face as we pushed to reach the sanctuary of the Black Mountains.
“Hurry, push faster, they’re gaining on us!” Dalamar shouted. As I looked up, I saw one of the massive beasts closing in on us, its claws outstretched as it started dipping into a dive, its mouth gaped wide. “Oh my Goddesses….Link one of them is almost on top of us!”
Ert: He’s been almost right on top of you for the last five fucking paragraphs! This story has been on repeat since the get go and I’m getting fucking sick of it!
I screamed as I heard the massive beating wings just overhead. Then out of nowhere, the other blue dragon dropped down in front of us, its mouth open wide, as it blocked our path. The horses skidded to a halt, neighed and bucked, almost throwing Link and I off their backs. Then the other dragon landed behind us, its heavy beating wings kicking up dust and sand around it. “Holy shit were trapped!” Dalamar cried, his eyes turning a ghostly white.
Goeth: Let me see what the range on everyone’s eyes is. They turn blue, gray and white.
Nora: Does everyone have mood rings for eyeballs? Or does LQ just not understand how eyeballs and prose works?
Ert: I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it was both.
“How right you are, you will not escape the Dark Knights of Ariakas.” Sneered one of the figures looming on the dragon in front of us. “Surrender quietly, and we just might go easy on you.”
Nora: Just announcing who I am and what I plan to do. Because that’s how story telling works.
Goeth: What are we doing with our lives…
The other Knight sneered. I watched as Link pulled the Master Sword out of its sheath. “I will not surrender to the likes of you.” Link returned angrily, pointing it directly at the Knight in front of us. “Then prepare to die, all of you.” The Knight sneered as he dismounted off the dragon in front of us, unsheathing his sword.
Ert: YOU HAVE A FUCKING DRAGON! DRAGON! FUCKING BURN A VILLAGE TO THE GROUND AND EAT EVERYONE DRAGON! USE IT! FUCKING USE IT YOU TOOL!
Nora: How can there be two dragons in a story and that story be lame?
I unfastened my Phoenix circles from my waist, and prepared for battle. I heard a clacking sound of weapons clashing behind me as I confronted the other one. “Dalamar, quickly run behind a rock to my right.” “I will handle this one.” I yelled to the Griffin, my eyes resting on the Knight still on dragonback.
Goeth: Poor Hugh. He’s not actually allowed to be part of anything important because it would take attention away from Jenna and her sex aid.
Ert: I’m really trying to figure out what the point of this story is, now that it’s clearly not self insert porn. I got nothing. Really crappy Dragonlance plagiarism?
I raised my weapons up in front of me and grinned. “Now dark beast, come and get me.” Pulling the blue closer, I watched as the Dark Knight unsheathed his massive sword and pointed it directly at me. “Then die wench.”
Nora: And then the dragon lunged forward and swallowed her with one gulp. The end.
Goeth: Come now dragon, be a good boy. Ert, I have a giant bottle of barbecue sauce I keep in my lab for just such an occasion.
Ert: That was you? Huh. I thought it was a joke.
The Knight returned angrily as the blue danced closer. I backed up, and faced the Knight head on, my weapons raised in defense. He pulled the blue even closer, the breath from its gaped mouth caused me to gag, its deadly yellow eyes staring at me with blood lust.
Ert: The fuck is a blue? Oh…oh, they’re calling blue dragons blue. Something that might have worked if you had taken the five seconds needed to actually establish it.
Goeth: Still rather lazy.
But I held my ground and slashed out with my weapons. The Phoenix Circles connected, ripping a gash along the beasts left nostril. Crimson red sputtered into the air, drenching my once pink dress. The blue roared in fury, its cry caused the blood in my ears to throb.
Nora: Wait, she’s riding off to fight dragons and evil knights in a pink dress?
Ert: *Throws gasoline about* I’m used to it. Right now I just want to go scorched earth on this story.
The dragon moved in again, its deadly claws lashed out, catching my blood soaked dress, ripping it. I swung again with my weapons, only to be met with the clank of a sword against them. The Knight pushed his sword down against mine, the tip nearing my throat. Pulling back suddenly, I thrust my weapons forward again, the round blades connecting with the Dark Knight’s wrist, crimson seeping out from under his gauntlet hand.
Nora: You know, Taco often brings up when heroes in crappy fanfics don’t go for vital areas and instead just waste time going for things like fingers. This is better, but only just.
Goeth: A snout is understandable, considering that it may be the only part of the dragon she can reach, but going for the wrist on a knight instead of the throat of a chest? Laughable.
He screamed in fury, his sword glaring against the moonlight as he struck it down against my Phoenix Circles again, causing a shower of sparks to rain from the air.
Goeth: I take it back. If this knight’s wrist had been slit, he wouldn’t be using it anymore. Two things happened. This man has augmented his body with dark magic to allow himself to overcome pain, or LQ doesn’t know how to anatomy.
Ert: It isn’t a fucking question.
We sparred for a few minutes before the blue lashed its tail out, ramming it into my legs, causing me to go crashing to the ground.
Nora: Uh, a dragon? Hitting her with her tail? Yeah, both of her legs are broken. Unless this is a laughably pathetic dragon.
Ert: Come on LQ. You’ve made absolutely everything about Legend of Zelda lame, don’t fuck up dragons too.
I staggered dizzily, trying to get up, only to be met by the tip of a sword in my face. I looked up and saw both blues with they’re riders looming over me. Link had been captured and was tied up and hung over one of the dragon’s back.
Ert: LAME! FUCKING! LAME!
Nora: Man, the villains in this story are lame. I don’t think there’s been one that’s actually killed someone.
Dalamar no where in sight. “Where’s the Griffin?” One of the dragon riders asked. Silence. “Answer me wench!” He yelled, swiping the sword across my cheek causing small rivers of blood to seep from it. “I will never tell you, you dark bastards!” I sneered as I did a sudden roll and moved to the left, just before one of the dragon’s mouth struck.
Goeth: With broken legs? HA!
Ert: “Small rivers of blood.” Good fucking christ the prose in this story.
I ran a few meters into a nearby canyon, then backed up against the stone wall, and watched as the two blues closed in on me, they’re riders, raising spears ready to strike.
Ert: SPEARS!? THEY WERE USING SWORDS! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SWORDS!?
Nora: They’ve been pulling things out of their ass, maybe they can be put back in there. They’ve clearly got the room.
At that moment I took the opportunity to strike. Raising my hands into the air, I proceeded to call upon the elements. “Kamas mu matar!” I cried skyward as my hands begun to glow a bright red, fire flaming on the tips of my fingers. With a sudden flash, the moon turned a blood red as fire shot down from the sky, striking down on the blues in a raging fury, causing them to scream in pain as the hellish blaze singed their scaled skin.
Ert: Uh, the moon did what now?
Ert: IT HAS EYES! THE MOON HAS EYES! LOOKING AT ME! THEY’RE LOOKING AT ME!
Goeth: *Sigh* Some people just can’t handle the eldritch.
Nora: Nice to see Jenna holding off on her powers till the last second just so that things can be more dramatic.
With the distraction in place, I took the opportunity again to make my final strike. “Dalamar now!” “Grab Link off that damned beast’s back.” I screamed, as I held the dragons back behind a wall of fire. With a loud cry, the Snowy white Griffin took flight from behind a nearby boulder and rose skyward.
Nora: Glad he somehow knew what she meant by now. Because I don’t recall them establishing a plan earlier.
Ert: Maybe she drank his piss and established a bond with him.
His wings beating heavily as he dipped in his flight, diving just above the blues back, grabbing Link in his talons. Rising swiftly back in the air Dalamar moved out of range allowing me to make my final attack. I focused my mind and called upon the ancient powers of the Silverlites. I focused all my energy and concentrated it into one energy attack, then unleashed it, sending it down upon them in a massive explosion, thrusting the blues and they’re riders back into the pits of hell.
Ert: Sending them back to hell huh? I didn’t know that they came from hell in the first place, nor that Hyrule practiced Christianity. I would also like to remind you that the blues were dragons that were forced out of their homes and enslaved. And you just killed them without mercy. You bitch. Double dings on the counters.
(Mary Sue Counter: 30)
Nora: This chapter is still super long, so we’re gonna call it here and pick up the rest next week. See you then!