1612: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter FourPosted: December 5, 2016
*Lyle and Koori walk into Lyle’s office carrying mugs of tea*
Koori: I’m surprised she hasn’t found out yet.
I don’t think you’re giving her enough credit. She’s very astute, you know. She’s probably just not saying anything out of respect.
Koori: I’ve never gotten the impression she respects me in the slightest.
You’d be surprised. She’s like an onion.
…She has many layers. *takes her seat* Now, enough gossip. We have a riff to work on.
Koori: *sits down and looks at the monitor* Oh no… not more of this.
Yup. Hello, lovelies, and welcome to chapter four of “SONIC HIGH SCHOOL.” Last time, Sonic rescued both Amy and Tails from Dr. Robotnik’s FUN HOUSE OF DOOOOOOOOM™. Since my time is limited most days and the chapters are short, not a whole lot happens in each one.
Koori: But what does happen is full of suckiness.
Good point. Let’s get to it.
Chapter 4: Getting a Date
Oooo, maybe Tails will finally ask Sonic out.
Koori: Tails needs to raise his standards a little bit. He could do a lot better than Sonic.
Sonic did like in the first chapter and went to school again.
Thrill as we watch an adolescent hedgehog attend Spanish class.
Now it’s lunch time and Sonic was in the lunch room. Sonic was telling all of the people at his table who were Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, Espio, and Charmy Bee about what did happen yesterday but Tails already knew so he was nodding his head like a good friend.
Koori: Why would his agreement make him a good friend versus a bad one?
“You should have seen it,” said Sonic. “I was in the Haunted House and I shot Eggman but I let him get away right before I could have killed him.” Sonic laughed and Tails laughed at the same time.
Because Sonic is making shit up and Tails is playing along to make his love-interest look better to others.
Koori: Poor Tails. Maybe when this is over I could-
Knuckles said “You should stop going on these cool adventures because high school is more important,” said Knuckles and Sonic knew he was right because its called Sonic high school and it should be more about the high school part. So Sonic asked them all what their up to.
The fourth wall has been broken so many times in the last few sentences that we’re going to need guerilla glue to put it back together.
“Well I am entering the Science Competition, ” said Tails. “To win the Science Competition I have to come up with the best invention and my invention is this Invisibility Hat. It makes you invisible but I can’t do it right now because I have to make sure it works perfect for the Science Competition.” Tails was so smart that Sonic knew he would win the Science Competition because Tails is like Inestine.
I must confess ignorance. Koori, research!
Koori: *types furiously on her phone* It keeps auto-correcting it to Intestine.
Lina: *pokes her head into the office, glances at the screen, and rolls her eyes* The author means Einstein, you prats. Now, who ordered the white coffee double-caramel brownie mocha, and who wanted a frozen blended genmaicha, extra toasty-rice?
Koori: Brownie! *takes her drink and savors a sip*
I didn’t order anything…
*Shinobi-san appears in the room, snags the second drink, bows, and disappears again*
Lina: … *walks out muttering about “fuckin’ ninja.”*
Okay… well. Anyway. I’m pretty sure we’ve beaten this dead horse before, but comparing someone who invents things to Einstein is stupid because Einstein was a theoretical physicist not an inventor.
“Nerd!” shout Knuckles right into Tails ear, what a bad guy. “I am just hanging out and not going to class because I want to cause trouble,” said Knuckles. Knuckles was so bad that he would cause trouble.
Koori: But Knuckles just told Sonic it was more important to attend school than to go on wild adventures.
Sonic thought Knuckles was a fuck.
Shadow was next and he was badder than Knuckles but in a different way. “I’m not going to be around much longer…” said Knuckles. He always did … at the end of what he was saying because it was mysterious.
Did someone turn over two pages at once?
“Where are you going.” said Tails. Because he was curious.
“I am going to kill my parents,” said Shadow. See this is how Shadow is worse than Knuckles, he did serious bad things. At least at the end of the day Knuckles could sleep. Shadow was too dark for that.
And that was the story of how Shadow the Killer came to be.
“I am going to go try out for the FootBall team,” said Espio. Espio was athletic like Sonic but not as fast but he had a horn on his nose that was good for attacking people in front of him so Sonic thought he would be good at football.
You know, I’m not really into Sportsball much, but I’m pretty sure you aren’t allowed to impale the opposing team. I might have to ask Mr. Lyle, though, just to be sure. Also, this is Espio:
“I am going to go try out for the play,” said Charmy Bee. Charmy Bee was loud and singing always.
“You’re an annoying fag so you should do great,” said Knuckles.
Koori: *taps the buzzer*
Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 7
“Do not hurt my feelings!” said Charmy. Charmy was use to being hectored so he was able to remove himself from his potent fury.
“Did you see Rouge just now?” said Espio. “She is looking so hot in her tiny bra!” Espio obviously wanted to kiss her deep.
“You should ask her out,” said Sonic.
“But the Prom was yesterday.” Said Espio.
I thought the prom was a front to get Sonic to come to Dr. Robotnik’s FUN HOUSE OF DOOOOOOOOM™.
“Well that is okay, you can date anytime,” said Sonic.
“Oh,” said Espio. “Well then I am gonna kiss and sex her tonight!”
That’s… not how that works. You can’t assume asking her own is equivocal to getting sex. This seems to be something our society is very good at getting wrong.
Espio was like a little boy looking at his mom’s boob for the first time.
Koori: Is it just me or is there a definite Garfield Effect vibe going on here?
All it’s lacking is an obsession with Italian casserole.
Sonic and Tails together were both looking at each other and they wanted to help Espio.
“We are gonna help you get a date,” said Sonic and Tails at the same time simultaneously.
*Koori hands Lyle her coffee without a word and races from the room*
Koori: COME AT ME, BROS!
“And we are gonna do it right now!” Said Sonic and Tails. Sonic and Tails got up and both grabbed one of Espio’s arms and dragged him across the room (Sonic did most the dragging because he is stronger) and put him right at Rouge.
“What is this about?” said Rouge with a questioning sound. She blinked her eyelids quickly like a race car. “What do you want? Why are you here?”
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Espio looked right into her eyes with a passion like a hundred barking dogs and said “Rouge will you go out with me.” Espio was sweating and there were drops of sweat dropping of his hands in front of her.
Ew. That’s some nasta hyperhydrosis.
Koori: *plops back into her chair. She’s covered in paint splatters*
Koori: Apparently our alarm interrupted their company paintball outing and they didn’t take the time to switch to their real guns.
“I don’t know…” said Rouge and looked at Espio. Rouge gave him a sexy look that made Espio feel in love.
“Please do it,” said Sonic and Tails together at the same time.
“Okay, we can go on a date tonight,” said Rouge. Sonic and Tails and Espio were stoked and high-fived right there. By the time this night ended, one of them would have done their first sex.
Date =/= Sex! Oh my fucking zombie Jesus. This is why we have such a horrible rape-culture! Adolescents assume that you say “yes” to a date and they have every right to get into your fucking pants. And what else have they been shown but that those who try and fail are still sympathized with, like mother fucking Brock Turner who got a reduced sentence because of his “delicate sensibilities” and fucking swimming times. Never mind that he shoved pine needles up an unconscious woman’s vagina behind a fucking dumpster! Mother fucking asswipable rape culture can go wash it’s clothes up butt-fuck creek with a dead porcupine!
Koori: …I do believe we found one of Miss Lyle’s triggers. *pushes the rest of her coffee into Lyle’s hands* Drink. It tastes like a melted brownie.
*grumbles and chugs the coffee*
“Now here’s the hard part,” said Espio. “How do I put sex in her without getting in trouble?” Sonic and Tails looked at each other and thought “Uh Oh” and Espio walked out while holding on to Rouge’s boobies because they are now BoyFriend and GirlFriend and its allowed to do it.
That’s not how it fucking works! I’m so sick and tired of this type of bullshit! Just because you’re dating, or even married to someone does not give you ownership over their body! I had this issue with my exhusband, and with most guys I dated prior to that. Just because you agree to a date does not mean you’re a couple, and just because you’re a couple does not mean they can touch you without your consent! You don’t have a right to their body! This goes both ways, too, ladies. You can’t just grab their sausage and shove it in your bun if they don’t agree. Consent, mother fuckers! God damn mother fucking fucking fuck fuck fucking twats!
Koori: *flips through a few signs, summoning an ice senbon* I haven’t had to do this in a while. *stabs it into Lyle’s neck and catches the now-empty coffee cup as Lyle slumps out of her chair* Good thing this riff is over for today. *sets down the cup and grabs Lyle under the armpits* We will see you all next time! *drags Lyle into the blanket fort*