1610: The Savior – Chapters One and Two

Title: The Savior
Author: bubbersgod
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dark Souls
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

!!WARNING!! While not present in this chapter, this fic does contain poorly written sex and potential rape triggers perpetrated by our hero, a shitty SI with probably the most Tryhard name I have ever seen. It also features sacrilegious abuse of the English language and it may or may not be under the influence of the ruinous powers of the Great Ones. Thus, I mark this pile of radioactive word vomit NSFW, and likely not safe for Sanity either.

-A jittery, clearly nervous FanFic Writer sits down at the riffing desk and has a coffee. Then another coffee. Then one more coffee for good measure-

Hello everyone, I am Leider Hosen, and today I bring you a fic that is very special to my heart. I started FF about two years ago and ran across this interesting little specimen from the Dark Souls side of FanFiction while I was lurking around the colorless fogs of the Rated M section a around when I first started. It’s the thrilling tale of a truly epic SI, canon violation of the highest level, and probably the most incomprehensible “plot” I have ever borne witness too; a world of nonsensical madness masquerading as my all-time favorite canon. Without further ado, let’s see what bubbers has to say in his summary, which had the tragic outcome of piquing my interest all that time ago and warranted me to revisit it with fresh eyes to see just what scarred me so:

This story is not about the chosen, or even an undead. This story is about the Savior, a man destined to save the world, but at what costs? Better description in story, rated “M” for various reasons including strong sexual content.

…This really speaks for itself doesn’t it? I mean… wow… I haven’t even gotten to the fic proper and already we know we are in for only the most quality of epic Gary Stus doing epic things. Not to mention it completely undermines the entire point of the Chosen Undead. You see, you aren’t even called the Chosen Undead until about a third of the way through of the game, by a slithery fucker by the name of Kingseeker Frampt, the right hand of Lord Gwyn, the king of Lordran:

Before then, you are just an average undead, like all the rest. Destined to become a husk of your former self as the entropic heat death of the universe claims your soul. The secret to your success? How you’re able to get to the city of the Gods whilst all others fell? Here, lean in.

Little closer.

Nothing. That’s right, Frampt is a dirty liar, acting on behalf of the Dark Sun Gwyndolin, who made the entire legend up to inspire Undead to claim the Lord Vessel and burn alive so the status quo may be kept. You never, ever, stop being just a normal person with normal abilities, the only difference between you and the rest is unstoppable determination and willpower. You stay the path even with all the deaths to shamble across the finish line, broken and bruised, but ultimately victorious. This is even reflected by the in-game mechanics. You cannot lose. You get infinite retries. You lose all your souls and your ability to summon help if you die, but that’s it. The only way you can truly lose is if you ragequit (go hollow). So, when this author says “My Savior (do not steal!) is so much betterer than that Chosen guy!” he is not only spitting on one of the many things that makes Dark Souls so unique, he’s effectively claiming his dead dude is, get this, superior to Joe Average with mild immortality!

Color me very underwhelmed. I’m going to just put this here, you’re going to be seeing it a lot.

Not My Dark Souls: 1

Hello friends today i’m trying my hands at a Dark Souls fanfic!

Aww, you shouldn’t have! No. You really, really shouldn’t have.

I do not own Dark souls or any of it’s characters. That said let it also be known I am rating this story “M” for strong language, violence (Duh!), and sexual scenes.

Yeah, no duh Dark Souls is violent, and ridiculously dangerous. Let’s see how well you convey that.

So read on at your own will.

*snerk* I don’t know why but that line just makes me smile.

This story is about not the “Chosen” undead, but the “Savior.” Who is pretty much the same thing except he is capable of intellectual speech and sympathy for anything. This will lead him to going about certain in game situations a little differently.

*sigh* Why is it people assume the Chosen Undead has to be mute just because he has no in-game dialogue? Oh, and he’s sympathetic to anything? Does that include the six-eyed Magi that love to fuck you up with laserbeams? The bastard doggos that stun you to death? The Bonewheel Buzzsaws?

But really, here is the cover image to Dark Souls:

You are all alone in a dying world. The game makes that abundantly clear. However, that does not mean the Chosen Undead is a sociopathic edgelord with no friends. You encounter many True Companions on your journey, and they are all highlights of the game for how much life and color they bring to the otherwise cold and dead world. Which makes it a hell of a lot more impactful when they lose their lives to hollowing, sometimes with your help.

Except, of course, for Solaire,

Art by Immp http://immp.deviantart.com/art/Praise-the-Sun-502946092

who not only takes you through the worst areas in the entire game, and is so goddamn resilient and skilled he was mistaken for the goddamn god of war before Dark Souls 3 cleared that up, but if you rescue him from insanity at the very end he squares off with the Dark Souls equivalent to God and holds his ground alongside you.

So not only is your Savior one cut above Joe Average, but he also thinks he is a special snowflake for being able to make friends, of which the Chosen has many.

Not My Dark Souls: 2

So, how do you intend to make your super special Savior better than the Chosen in a meaningful way, since you really haven’t yet… I’m going to regret asking that, aren’t I?

He is also alive, but still cursed with the dark sign.

*eye twitch* No. That does not happen. Period.

Not My Dark Souls: 3

Things are changed around a bit and this going to be my biggest project. Even if you have never played the game, you should hopefully be able to enjoy this story :)

A good fanfiction stands as its own work, enriched by the canon it came from. I am not holding out hope that will be the case with a fic with a prodigal three canon violations within the summary.

With no further stalling here it is. The Savior!

May the light shine upon my soul in the long darkness ahead.

Chapter 1 The Undead asylum

Let me take a moment to inform you all nineteen chapters and eleven thousand words are on one page. One wall of text. For over ten thousand words.

His eyes opened to find himself in the famous prison of the undead, or cursed. This is the place those whom show the dark sign are sent.

Holy shit! Doth mine eyes deceive me, canon information that is correct! Poorly conveyed but maybe-

This rule was set so long ago by Lord Gwyn, whom feared the wrath of the chosen. The chosen was said to be a ruthless undead warrior whom would one day slay him and take his power and position. Long since he has gone hollow, the path to the kiln of the first flame shut to keep him from being able to escape and potentially destroy the world. Even so the citizens piled up undead and cursed alike. Not even knowing fully why anymore other than the fact that those with the dark sign usually went insane or morphed into scary beasts the likes of witch would only be found in nightmares prior to their existence.

…

Oh my Lord of Sunlight, where do I begin, I feel so giddy I could faint. For one, you could argue whether or not Lord Gwyn started the crusades against the undead but there is immense evidence to support that the undead were created by the gods to make people feed themselves to the bonfires since the First Flame, which kind of sustains the lives of all the gods, was going out and they needed fuel fast. The Way of White was the main driving force of the crusades, though they were misled by Lloyd and the gods. However, Gwyn “fearing the wrath of the chosen” because his power would be taken?

That’s rich. I bet Zeus was afraid of arm wrestling an amputee and Shiva the Destroyer of Worlds shits the bed thinking about mean twitter posts.

Gwyn is not just a god, he is the god of the Dark Souls universe. He was implied to be more powerful than all of the other Lords put together because he is literally the avatar of the First Flame, which he molded into bolts of sunlight that could knock dragons the size of skyscrapers from the air like bothersome flies. The only thing in the universe that truly equaled his strength was Manus, who was the physical embodiment of darkness and humanity. That was what he was afraid of. His fundamental opposite and the force of Dark Manus created called the Abyss, which is extremely poisonous to the Lords.

Against everything else Gwyn was beyond ruthless. He even banished his firstborn son and had him erased from history for siding with the dragons (and his firstborn is immensely strong in his own right, believe me) after the war. Ultimately, he passed out pieces of his soul to his loyal followers and sacrificed what was left to preserve the world he created. Because, while he was a pretty shitty person to humanity and his family, it was only because he was immensely proud and became a broken man when it all came crashing down.

So yeah, Gwyn after hollowing is unbelievably strong, but beatable, but in the prime of his health? He would fucking pass out laughing at the idea a puny little undead could even remotely attempt to challenge him.

Him being able to destroy the world? Maybe, but he wasn’t imprisoned in the Kiln, he stays there to guard the First Flame from the people who would have it destroyed. That is also why the Kiln is sealed, is to protect it, not contain it.

Undead morphing into “scary beasts”? This isn’t Bloodborne dumbass. The only force that could mutate undead or humans was the Abyss, the Demons were created by Izalith, and everything else was always that fucked up. You get an F-, see me after class.

Not My Dark Souls: 6

A person usually gets the mark by dying but a very rare few get the curse by destiny. The curse it not so much a curse as it is a great burden why also being a blessing, making certain abilities otherwise un accessible to be possible.

I won’t sin you a second time for the “Darksign without death thing”, but I’ll sin you hard for the fact that, get this, the Darksign does not grant you any powers beyond “you come back when you die”, that is fucking it. And even then it is a very flawed immortality since you come back in worse shape with each death. Stop using one of the most important parts of the lore as a fucking McGuffin.

Not My Dark Souls: 7

Only a cursed can reverse curses unlike its own.

REFER TO THE ABOVE!

A cursed can wild Cursed gauntlets like our saviors, that grant strange new powers as long as the wielder has never died. Due to the fact that only a never killed cursed to wield it made it almost useless as almost all cursed have died to obtain such a burden.

Oh. Those. I hope you like the Darksign McGuffin because you ain’t seen shit yet. I won’t sin the Gauntlets of Speshulness (do not steal) because they are an original creation, but they are based on the bullshit Darksign mechanics, so they are still sinful as fuck.

But our cursed capt these legendary gauntlets for just this purpose. He wanted to get the dark sign so he could them but he would have to be careful, or he may die and never become the Savior of this mangled land.

He got up and rubbed his head, a knight saw him get cursed and knocked him out while he was week to send the Savior to the undead asylum. Our Savior cursed the fact and picked up his master key with a smile.

*snerk* So he promoted the Gauntlets to captains, then turned into a week long enough to be drug there by Knight, who was the world’s worst guard ever because he let Savior Stu keep the Master Key (which opens any door in the game)? Oh Shit! Incoming Costume Porn off portside!

his skin was pale white. He was tall an muscular, a result of him being a necromancer, one whom practices sword and magics alike. Despite the popular belief that a necromancer is one whom conjures the dead, that is not true in his case. His hair was long and black but messy from the fall into his current cell. He wore the typical garbs of the powerful necromancers, which was a long black robe whom’s lack of defense mocked as well as delivered the message that one would boast not needing defense to be able to smite a foe. This was true, even if a foe got close enough for his magics to fail, his skill with a sword would leave one lifeless in a single swing or two in most cases.

What a Necromancer in Dark Souls looks like:

What Savor Stu looks like:

Art by ShinigamiRukia http://www.zerochan.net/user/ShinigamiRukia

The resemblance is uncanny! Also, a necromancer that cannot manipulate the dead is an absolute failure of a necromancer. Sadly, I can’t sin him being a mage and a swordsmen. He may be a cocky asshat but even the greatest wizards in the Dark Souls universe keep a sword in their pocket if things go sideways and typically dress light since they move a lot.

He also wore his Gauntlets of the Savior, the real name of this artifact has long been lost with its lack of interest due to its insane use demand. The fingers and wrist where thick stone and mettle placed together like a knight set but the palm had changing symbols on its black leather, proof of its authenticity.

I’m going to say only one thing, aside remark on them being made of a conglomerate of rock and solid audacity apparently. Remember the line “insane use of demand”. Hold that in your head.

Though he appeared quite hostile or foreboding with his combat hood over his face making him look like a grim ripper, his sad but serious light blue eyes reflected his true loving nature and longing to save this land.

*whap* Moving on!

He plucked his key from the door and made way through the asylum.

Proof positive your jailor is the worst guard in the history of Lordran. And sadly this is not the only fiction this exact same thing happens in.

He saw an ambling undead and then another. They made him sad as he lacked the power to save hollows. He only had to smite a few whom grew hostile upon approach.

Remember this line too!

He found a wounded undead whom ha his sanity. He told the savior about how he would give him an Estus flask but it only works for undead. He healed the man with the power of his gauntlets, removing the dark sign and reviving his body as well.

…Hang on *rereads multiple times* Okay, the man he just “fixed” was Oscar of Astora. This is the most description we ever get of him, so I’ll fill in the gap. Oscar is an undead following the legend of the Chosen Undead as his family has for multiple generations. Astora is a very religious nation so of course he believes in the legends, and is searching for the ultimate fate of the undead. He is the reason you escape the prison. He managed to turn undead and willingly came to the Asylum to have his bid at fixing everything as the Chosen Undead. He even decided to free as many hollows and undead as possible, so someone could carry on if he wasn’t the one. He ends up getting into a fight with a demon guarding the place. Spoiler: he gets smashed through the roof of the jail. You find his mangled body, and he gives you the most important item in the game: your Estus Flask, which allows you to heal from your injuries. He also gives you the legend of the Chosen Undead, passing the torch since he died a failure.

You only know him for a couple of minutes, but just take a listen to his dialogue:

He conveys so much character, and is the first good, sane person you meet after getting jumpscared by the tutorial boss. Here? Never says a word. He is rendered down into a potion dispenser and never gets one line. Oh, but the author let him live? The method is bullshit, since there is no way to cure the Darksign,

Not My Dark Souls: 8

but him living is common in fanfiction, Oscar is a bro and I’m completely for fictions having him brought into the story as a running character. But, you do realize that you just took away his immortality right?

I know it leads to hollowing, but as a friend of mine put it Lordran is so fucking dangerous that you can’t even have coitus without the very real risk of a skelington flying out of the underbrush and imitating a chainsaw to a watermelon using his sword and your face respectively.

You should really have waited until the journey was over to do that, since there is a very real chance-

The man even ended up helping him fight the fierce demon, but fell in combat as the demon struck him during the Saviors casting time for a great spell called the “Necromancer Bolt” Which resembled soul arrow but it was green and far more powerful.

Congratulations, you killed Oscar! Not the demon, you, your stupidity was the direct cause of his death because you are a fucking idiot. Maybe he could have done something, but now he can’t because you have no sense of pacing. What was the point of saving him? Was there a point? I have no idea, I really don’t. Now, a moment of silence for Oscar of Astora. The Bro the readers of this fiction never got to know. Actually, let’s rewind!

Even if you have never played the game, you should hopefully be able to enjoy this story :)

FAIL!

Also your necromancer bolt (do not steal) was the same as Soul Arrow only green and more powerful? Yup, sounds about right. I’m going to take this sentence and stick it in the desk drawer. I have use of it later.

Also, necromancers don’t use SORCERY, they use PYROMANCY, because in the Soulsborne universe fire is tied to life, ergo power over the dead and power over fire run very close.

Not My Dark Souls: 9

He defeated the demon and found a key that led to a cliff, where he was scooped up by a large crow that landed him in the undead burg.

And thus ends the chapter. The entire chapter in 3,300 words, and that includes my paragraphs of infodumping, the author’s notes, summary, and snark It is an amazing talent to concentrate so much pure shitness into such a small span of text, and you know what! We’re not done yet, let’s have one more chapter for the road since it’s so pitifully short.

Chapter 2 The undead burg

The burg was a ran down temple or crossroads of sorts.

Sure, whatever you say. It isn’t like the Burg is a massive, medieval town that fell to the curse and has all the trappings of a middle-class residential area. That is in no way a temple. Or a crossroads. The Parish is a temple, but I know that isn’t what you’re talking about.

Not My Dark Souls: 10

Most of the structures here where eroded by war, time, and weather making them hardly resemble anything at all other than what one could refer to as ruins.

Hardly.

He sighed and pressed on up a path leading to a bonfire. He lit it and rested merging his new found souls with his gauntlets making them grow in power. Then he pressed on up a hill after exploring the area finding nothing to his fancy other than a humanity or two. His Gauntlets ate the humanity an grew in power even more. He found a few hollows that he made quick work of. He found yet another bonfire and did the same as the last time, making his gauntlets grow in power still.

Oh come the fuck on! Can you at least pretend you’re in Lordran? You are not taking a casual Sunday stroll going window shopping for souls and Humanity. If this was in any way like the game, you would be hunched behind cover sucking your thumb while arrows are hitting all around you and a dozen hollowed knights are turning you into pulp and bonechips. I’d also love to see you try and get the Blue Tearstone Ring behind the Black Knight.

He fought his way to a bridge and had to face a fierce demon in combat. The demon managed to strike him, but he healed with his Necromancer Recovery spell.

Do not steal.

He struck the demon down with some Heavy Necromancer Bolt’s and acquire a demon soul to feed his gauntlet.

-Leider Hosen looks around in concern as a faint rumbling emanates from the riffing chamber, colorless deep fog drifting past the window- …I think the Soulsbourne universes just brushed each other a little, but I think we should be safe from any reality destroying paradoxes.

Demon souls grant a different power to the gauntlets. At the cost of one Demon Soul he could do potentially anything he wanted to a great area. Be it grant life, heal, or even break a horrible curse or binding that would otherwise be impossible by any other means.

*breathing heavily* I must be patient for now, there will be a far more appropriate time and place to address this later.

This would not be the first one he would find on his long travels through these lands ho so longed to save. He made it past a particularly pesky drake to a bonfire where he bound the demon soul to his gauntlets.

Oh, it was a pesky drake? Pesky, huh? Oh, that’s cute kid. Anyone who’s played Dark Souls (Or Demon Souls) is well aware of what a gigantic fucking troll the Hellkite Bastard is. Even though he is just a baby, lesser dragon by Dark Souls standards, he has a massive health bar, gigantic instakill AoE attacks, and you fight him on tiny bridge which renders him nigh impossible to evade. Suffice to say, you have to bait him down, then sprint as fast as you can at the right time to get behind him and pray to Gwyn you can stunlock him to death or get to the bonfire.

He is built to make you rage, and here he is brushed off as a footnote barely worth mentioning. I hope Savior Stu is not this insufferably smug for this whole ordeal, or I’m going to flip a table. And hang on a second, I feel like there is something distinctly missing from this picture. A terrible shadow where light should dwell, a lack of gross incandescence…

(He’s never even mentioned. I guess the Author knew Sunbro would upstage Savior Stu way too hard)

He fought and fought through more perils like a armored boar witch

STOP!

armored boar witch

…That is the most insane, badass, epic combination of things I have ever read. I guess the fangboar who usually occupies that spot called in a sub. I’ll be sure to pick her up when she’s out of this debacle, a character that epic on principle alone deserves to star in a better fiction.

In fact, I’m going to start a new counter and ding it twice. One for the world’s worst guard and another for this specimen:

Literary Genius: 2

he had trouble fighting until it clumsily ran into a flaming pike with an undead impaled on it, at witch point the pig fell in flames.

Rude! Don’t call women pigs, they have feelings too. Second, it’s cliché but I suppose it’s fitting that the witch was burned at the stake, so I can’t sin it.

He stopped and ate its delicious flesh, being what he considered the only clean meal around for a while, he sliced it up and kept most of its meat for later on.

…Wow, Savior Stu, you have issues. And now she has to resurrect in NG+ with that experience on her mind. I’ll have to remember to get her a gift basket.

He met a blacksmith name Andre in a temple and chatted with him. He was kind but had nothing to offer other than a crest he could not afford. He went to the bell tower and rang the bell, but on his way back he was attacked by the Belfry Gargoyles.

-the entire station shakes violently as the contradictory universes smash together. Leider Hosen holds his head and tries to reach for his coffee, but the mug is inexplicitly pushed from his hand from three feet away-

Author, please. These temporal disruptions are giving me a headache.

They proved to be quite a challenge as he had yet to fight TWO demons at once.

In a fight so epic and tumultuous the author himself couldn’t even describe it!

but his reward was two demon souls.

Son of a bitch.

He even got enough souls for the crest Andre had to offer now so he resisted the urge to feed his precious gauntlets whom’s power as grown so little but at the same time so much.

Of course. Was their power level over 9000? Was that not even their final form? You already said they had author-tier Deus Ex Machina powers, so you can drop any pretensions of them getting “more powerful” or “grown in strength”, but I guess that won’t stop you.

And, I’m so sorry to report that is it for the first two chapters. And believe me, it only gets more outrageously nonsensical and diverges even further from the canon as we progress. Join me next time,

I’ll likely bring backup. I need it.

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