1611: Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal GearsPosted: December 4, 2016 | |
Generic salutations, fellow Librarians! My name is Delta XIII.
This riff is somewhat different in nature than others on this site. Namely, it is written in the style of Cinema Sins. This is because quite some time ago, I realized that we use a lot of counter-based gags here at the Library. So, an idea came to me: “What if there was a riff that was nothing but counter gags?”
The idea remained in the back of my head for a while, but it was only recently that I could make it a reality.
“But Delta! What are you going to be riffing?”
That’s a very good question, hypothetical voice who clearly didn’t read the title of the riff or the critiquing fields above!
We’re going to be looking at a fic based on the Metal Gear series!
Metal Gear is a series of stealth games from the… unique mind of Hideo Kojima. The story (such as it is) revolves around the titular Metal Gears, bipedal tanks designed to launch nuclear missiles from any terrain. To counter these behemoths, the US government sends in specially trained stealth operatives with a bare minimum of equipment (usually just some form of radar, a couple of rations, a cigar or pack of cigarettes that they manage to smuggle in, and maybe a single pistol), with anything else procured on-site.
I’d explain the plot further, but not even an SC-Style Infodump would be able to cover that clusterfuck, so let’s move on.
“It sounds like a great premise! How could someone screw that up?”
You’re quite the optimist, hypothetical voice! To answer your question, today’s “story” was written by none other than the infamous squirrelking.
Yep, we’re going there.
Without further ado, please enjoy.
METAL GEAR SOLID: FIGHT OF METAL GEARS
Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears
The sins begin right at the title. This story was released in 2006, and in 2008, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots was released, the fourth act of which featured Old Snake piloting the reactivated Metal Gear REX against a Metal Gear RAY piloted by Liquid Ocelot.
A “fight of Metal Gears”, if you will.
Either this is the weirdest coincidence ever, or SK is psychic. (1)
Solid Snake was old and died before
SK also predicts Solid Snake growing old. (2)
and his kid Jake Snake
I’m sorry, but when I see the name “Jake Snake”, I think of this guy.(3)
had to do things now for the world.
Ah, yes, the ever-nebulous “things” that must be done. (4)
Jake Snake growed up with Solid Snake and helped him beat metal gears
Solid Snake is sterile. Not only that, but because of genetic tampering (long story), he cannot be cloned, either.
Simply put, there is no way that he can have children. (5)
but now Solid Snake was not there anymore and only Jake Snake was.
This just makes it sound like Solid Snake ran off somewhere instead of, y’know, dying. Wouldn’t be the first time he’s done it.
Though, to be fair, if it gets him away from this story, I don’t blame him. (6)
“Solid Snake what happens when you die” Jake Snake asked Solid Snake one time.
“Well, in my experience, you get a black screen with the words “GAME OVER” on it, one of your support team repeatedly yells your name over the CODEC, then you hit Continue and try again.” (7)
“It will be you left to beat the bad guys in the world and do what needs to be done.”
Not sure if this is an intentional Full Life Consequences reference or just a lazily reused line. Either way, still sinful. (8)
Solid Snake said to Jake Snake then he died later.
Well, those were some pretty crappy last words. (9)
Jake Snake got a call from Otacon and Otacon said “Jake Snake metal gears are fighting in Out Heaven and you have to go there to fight them”
Well, that’s not confusing at all! [/sarcasm] (10)
so Jake Snake said “Otacon you were Solid Snakes friend and i want you to be my friend so i will fight metal gears too” so he left to Out Heaven to fight metal gears.
In the eyes of SK, the extent of Snake and Otacon’s friendship was fighting Metal Gears rather than saving each other’s lives, a common goal, and generous amounts of Ho Yay. (11)
Jake Snake got his wepons
Well, that confirms it: lazy joke reuse. (12)
and cigars becaus he didnt smoke cigarets
Discount Big Boss. (13)
and got on a plane and drove fast to Out Heaven to get where metal gears were fighting there.
Hang on, if Out Heaven is close enough that it can be driven to, why is he using a plane? (14)
Jake Snake got to the top of the sky
I felt like if I tried to sin every reused FLC line, we’d be here all day, so for the sake of simplicity, I’ll just add 20 sins. (34)
near where metal gears were fighting and put on autopilots
Because just one autopilot isn’t enough, apparently. (35)
and flipped out of the plane.
Jake Snakes parashoot didnt open
Jake Snakes parashoot
…so that’s, like, what? A gun that fires a parachute?
That sounds highly impractical. (37)
so he landed in water and swimmed to fighting metal gears.
Wait, weren’t they fighting at the top of the sky? (38)
Jake Snake got out of the water and crawled fast and quiet to where metal gears were.
Was it fast or quiet? Because I don’t think you can do both. (I could be wrong, though.) (39)
Jake Snake pickd up a rocket gun
For all your giant robot-slaying needs, pick up the new PCC-Brand Rocket Gun! The power of an RPG with the compatibility of a pistol!
For only ninety-four easy payments of $89.99!
and crawled faster and quiet so metal gears couldnt see him there.
Apparently, crawling makes you completely invisible to giant robots. (41)
Jake Snake stoped and smoked a cigar becaus he was tired
I could be wrong, but I don’t think smoking can do anything for tiredness. (42)
then out of no where Otacon came on the phone
OTACON, NO! WE DO NOT DO THAT WITH PHONES! FIVE EXTRA SINS JUST FOR THE MENTAL IMAGE!!! (47)
and yelled “JAKE SNAKE BEHIND YOU!’ so Jake Snake turned around and saw a bad guy with weapon pointed at Jake Snake.
The bad guy considered pointing the weapon at himself, but he decided against it. (48)
“Why are you working for bad guys” Jake Snake told the bad guy with the weapon
Told him. Because questions are for posers. (49)
“Becaus they hav metal gears and hav weapons that shoot lasers” the bad guy said back to Jake Snake.
A refreshingly simple motivation. No elaborate revenge plot, no tragic backstory, just “they have cool stuff”. I’m almost tempted to remove a sin for that.
Then Jake Snake said “I have lasers too”
Because of course he does. (51)
and brought it out of his pocket where it was hiding and shot the bad guy in teh face.
What “it”? Was Jake Snake somehow holding a laser beam in his pocket? (52)
“I dont like bad guys like that” Jake Snake said to the dead bad guy then he threw his cigar on him and he lighted on fire.
Apparently, the bad guy’s skin was made of gasoline. Or paper. (53)
Jake Snake crawled fast again to where metal gears were fihgting becaus he could hear the bullets and booms.
With no indication of what the bullets and booms were actually doing, I choose to believe that they were discussing politics. (54)
Jake Snake brought out his rocket gun and shot a rocket at a metal gear and the metal gear blew up and fell.
That’s the second most underwhelming mech destruction I’ve ever seen! (55)
Other metal gears came when the boom happened
and came to Jake Snake
TWENTY EXTRA SINS!!!
who was crawling fast in bushes.
Senior or Junior? (76)
“They saw me” Jake Snake said so he put on camoflosh and disapeard.
I don’t even want to guess what “camoflosh” might be. (77)
“Where did he go” a metal gear said to the other metal gears
And apparently, the Metal Gears are sentient now. (78)
“Over there” and the metal gears shot at the bushs but they only hit ground and nothing.
These sentient Metal Gears can’t hit a target. (79)
Then Jake Snake said “i am here you bad guys” and was behind them.
Because why bother with a sneak attack, right?! (80)
The metal gears turned around and saw Jake Snake in a metal gear that Jake Snake hided somewhere.
Metal Gear Ex Machina. (81)
“Solid Snake fighted you bad guys and now i have to.
Not really. You could have chosen not to. Left the job to Raiden, maybe. (82)
you will pay fools” Jake Snake said. Then Jake Snake and the metal gears shot bullets and rockets and lasers and there was a lot of booms and dust came.
First off, predictably terrible action scene. (83)
Second, thirty extra sins for the mental imagery of climaxing dust. (113)
The dust went away and Jake Snake was still in his metal gear but the other ones were there too and they said “We have armor Jake Snake”
So, all those bullets, rockets, lasers, and explosions were utterly pointless.
A rather apt metaphor for this story. (114)
and Jake Snake said “What about this?” and shot something special at them.
to be continued…?
Stupid cliffhanger. (115)
Total Sin Count: 115
Sentence: Dramatic Reading (with crappy comic)
Well, that was fun!
As an aside, there is a reason I decided on this story.
I absolutely LOVE the Metal Gear series. Some of my earliest memories involve playing a demo of Metal Gear Solid on my PS1, and later a demo of Metal Gear Solid 2 on my aunt’s PS2. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that this series helped shape my tastes in entertainment.
So, when I found out about this story, I knew that it just had to be riffed. It was short, it was relatively easy to make jokes about, it was based around a series I love, and above all it was just plain fun.
So, unless I get completely lynched for doing this (which is unlikely, but you never know), I’ll see you next time for the sequel!
Yes, there’s a sequel. Try not to faint.