1611: Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears

Title: Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears
Author: squirrelking
Media: Video Game
Topic: Metal Gear
Genre: Adventure/Suspense
URL: One shot
Critiqued by Delta XIII

Generic salutations, fellow Librarians! My name is Delta XIII.

This riff is somewhat different in nature than others on this site. Namely, it is written in the style of Cinema Sins. This is because quite some time ago, I realized that we use a lot of counter-based gags here at the Library. So, an idea came to me: “What if there was a riff that was nothing but counter gags?”

The idea remained in the back of my head for a while, but it was only recently that I could make it a reality.

“But Delta! What are you going to be riffing?”

That’s a very good question, hypothetical voice who clearly didn’t read the title of the riff or the critiquing fields above!

We’re going to be looking at a fic based on the Metal Gear series!

Metal Gear is a series of stealth games from the… unique mind of Hideo Kojima. The story (such as it is) revolves around the titular Metal Gears, bipedal tanks designed to launch nuclear missiles from any terrain. To counter these behemoths, the US government sends in specially trained stealth operatives with a bare minimum of equipment (usually just some form of radar, a couple of rations, a cigar or pack of cigarettes that they manage to smuggle in, and maybe a single pistol), with anything else procured on-site.

I’d explain the plot further, but not even an SC-Style Infodump would be able to cover that clusterfuck, so let’s move on.

“It sounds like a great premise! How could someone screw that up?”

You’re quite the optimist, hypothetical voice! To answer your question, today’s “story” was written by none other than the infamous squirrelking.

Yep, we’re going there.

Without further ado, please enjoy.

EVERYTHING WRONG

WITH

METAL GEAR SOLID: FIGHT OF METAL GEARS

By squirrelking

 (Spoilers)

 (maybe)

Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears

The sins begin right at the title. This story was released in 2006, and in 2008, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots was released, the fourth act of which featured Old Snake piloting the reactivated Metal Gear REX against a Metal Gear RAY piloted by Liquid Ocelot.

A “fight of Metal Gears”, if you will.

Either this is the weirdest coincidence ever, or SK is psychic. (1)

Solid Snake was old and died before

SK also predicts Solid Snake growing old. (2)

and his kid Jake Snake

I’m sorry, but when I see the name “Jake Snake”, I think of this guy.(3)

had to do things now for the world.

Ah, yes, the ever-nebulous “things” that must be done. (4)

Jake Snake growed up with Solid Snake and helped him beat metal gears

Solid Snake is sterile. Not only that, but because of genetic tampering (long story), he cannot be cloned, either.

Simply put, there is no way that he can have children. (5)

but now Solid Snake was not there anymore and only Jake Snake was.

This just makes it sound like Solid Snake ran off somewhere instead of, y’know, dying. Wouldn’t be the first time he’s done it.

Though, to be fair, if it gets him away from this story, I don’t blame him. (6)

“Solid Snake what happens when you die” Jake Snake asked Solid Snake one time.

“Well, in my experience, you get a black screen with the words “GAME OVER” on it, one of your support team repeatedly yells your name over the CODEC, then you hit Continue and try again.” (7)

“It will be you left to beat the bad guys in the world and do what needs to be done.”

Not sure if this is an intentional Full Life Consequences reference or just a lazily reused line. Either way, still sinful. (8)

Solid Snake said to Jake Snake then he died later.

Well, those were some pretty crappy last words. (9)

Jake Snake got a call from Otacon and Otacon said “Jake Snake metal gears are fighting in Out Heaven and you have to go there to fight them”

So, we’ve had Army’s Heaven, Outer Heaven, Outer Haven, and now Out Heaven?

Well, that’s not confusing at all! [/sarcasm] (10)

so Jake Snake said “Otacon you were Solid Snakes friend and i want you to be my friend so i will fight metal gears too” so he left to Out Heaven to fight metal gears.

In the eyes of SK, the extent of Snake and Otacon’s friendship was fighting Metal Gears rather than saving each other’s lives, a common goal, and generous amounts of Ho Yay. (11)

Jake Snake got his wepons

Well, that confirms it: lazy joke reuse. (12)

and cigars becaus he didnt smoke cigarets

Discount Big Boss. (13)

and got on a plane and drove fast to Out Heaven to get where metal gears were fighting there.

Hang on, if Out Heaven is close enough that it can be driven to, why is he using a plane? (14)

Jake Snake got to the top of the sky

I felt like if I tried to sin every reused FLC line, we’d be here all day, so for the sake of simplicity, I’ll just add 20 sins. (34)

near where metal gears were fighting and put on autopilots

Because just one autopilot isn’t enough, apparently. (35)

and flipped out of the plane.

Show-off. (36)

Jake Snakes parashoot didnt open

His what?

Jake Snakes parashoot

…so that’s, like, what? A gun that fires a parachute?

That sounds highly impractical. (37)

so he landed in water and swimmed to fighting metal gears.

Wait, weren’t they fighting at the top of the sky? (38)

Jake Snake got out of the water and crawled fast and quiet to where metal gears were.

Was it fast or quiet? Because I don’t think you can do both. (I could be wrong, though.) (39)

Jake Snake pickd up a rocket gun

For all your giant robot-slaying needs, pick up the new PCC-Brand Rocket Gun! The power of an RPG with the compatibility of a pistol!

For only ninety-four easy payments of $89.99!

(40)

and crawled faster and quiet so metal gears couldnt see him there.

Apparently, crawling makes you completely invisible to giant robots. (41)

Jake Snake stoped and smoked a cigar becaus he was tired

I could be wrong, but I don’t think smoking can do anything for tiredness. (42)

then out of no where Otacon came on the phone

OTACON, NO! WE DO NOT DO THAT WITH PHONES! FIVE EXTRA SINS JUST FOR THE MENTAL IMAGE!!! (47)

and yelled “JAKE SNAKE BEHIND YOU!’ so Jake Snake turned around and saw a bad guy with weapon pointed at Jake Snake.

The bad guy considered pointing the weapon at himself, but he decided against it. (48)

“Why are you working for bad guys” Jake Snake told the bad guy with the weapon

Told him. Because questions are for posers. (49)

“Becaus they hav metal gears and hav weapons that shoot lasers” the bad guy said back to Jake Snake.

A refreshingly simple motivation. No elaborate revenge plot, no tragic backstory, just “they have cool stuff”. I’m almost tempted to remove a sin for that.

Almost. (50)

Then Jake Snake said “I have lasers too”

Because of course he does. (51)

and brought it out of his pocket where it was hiding and shot the bad guy in teh face.

What “it”? Was Jake Snake somehow holding a laser beam in his pocket? (52)

“I dont like bad guys like that” Jake Snake said to the dead bad guy then he threw his cigar on him and he lighted on fire.

Apparently, the bad guy’s skin was made of gasoline. Or paper. (53)

Jake Snake crawled fast again to where metal gears were fihgting becaus he could hear the bullets and booms.

With no indication of what the bullets and booms were actually doing, I choose to believe that they were discussing politics. (54)

Jake Snake brought out his rocket gun and shot a rocket at a metal gear and the metal gear blew up and fell.

That’s the second most underwhelming mech destruction I’ve ever seen! (55)

Other metal gears came when the boom happened

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

and came to Jake Snake

*deep breath*-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

TWENTY EXTRA SINS!!!

(75)

who was crawling fast in bushes.

Senior or Junior? (76)

“They saw me” Jake Snake said so he put on camoflosh and disapeard.

I don’t even want to guess what “camoflosh” might be. (77)

“Where did he go” a metal gear said to the other metal gears

And apparently, the Metal Gears are sentient now. (78)

“Over there” and the metal gears shot at the bushs but they only hit ground and nothing.

These sentient Metal Gears can’t hit a target. (79)

Then Jake Snake said “i am here you bad guys” and was behind them.

Because why bother with a sneak attack, right?! (80)

The metal gears turned around and saw Jake Snake in a metal gear that Jake Snake hided somewhere.

Metal Gear Ex Machina. (81)

“Solid Snake fighted you bad guys and now i have to.

Not really. You could have chosen not to. Left the job to Raiden, maybe. (82)

you will pay fools” Jake Snake said. Then Jake Snake and the metal gears shot bullets and rockets and lasers and there was a lot of booms and dust came.

First off, predictably terrible action scene. (83)

Second, thirty extra sins for the mental imagery of climaxing dust. (113)

The dust went away and Jake Snake was still in his metal gear but the other ones were there too and they said “We have armor Jake Snake”

So, all those bullets, rockets, lasers, and explosions were utterly pointless.

A rather apt metaphor for this story. (114)

and Jake Snake said “What about this?” and shot something special at them.

to be continued…?

Stupid cliffhanger. (115)

Total Sin Count: 115

Sentence: Dramatic Reading (with crappy comic)

Well, that was fun!

As an aside, there is a reason I decided on this story.

I absolutely LOVE the Metal Gear series. Some of my earliest memories involve playing a demo of Metal Gear Solid on my PS1, and later a demo of Metal Gear Solid 2 on my aunt’s PS2. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that this series helped shape my tastes in entertainment.

So, when I found out about this story, I knew that it just had to be riffed. It was short, it was relatively easy to make jokes about, it was based around a series I love, and above all it was just plain fun.

So, unless I get completely lynched for doing this (which is unlikely, but you never know), I’ll see you next time for the sequel!

Yes, there’s a sequel. Try not to faint.

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48 Comments on “1611: Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    squirrelking

    GODHELPUSALL.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Jake Snake growed up with Solid Snake and helped him beat metal gears

    And did this happen before or after Solid Snake die?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    With no indication of what the bullets and booms were actually doing, I choose to believe that they were discussing politics.

    Unsurprisingly, most of them were Trump supporters.

  4. BatJamags says:

    …so that’s, like, what? A gun that fires a parachute?

    That sounds highly impractical. (37)

    It sounds highly awesome is what it sounds.

  5. BatJamags says:

    “Becaus they hav metal gears and hav weapons that shoot lasers” the bad guy said back to Jake Snake.

    Jake Snake who was Solid Snake’s Son: That’s… actually a really good reason.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Senior or Junior? (76)

    Could be Jeb, as well.

  7. BatJamags says:

    You know, that wasn’t nearly as good as FLC. It was just kind of the same thing but more boring.

    • andiliteman says:

      Agreed. Although it’s nice to hear squirrelking’s “voice” again, he failed to bring about the same level of awesome that is FLC.

      Now, I’m going to go watch it again.

  8. andiliteman says:

    …and his kid Jake Snake had to do things now for the world.

    “Ah, yes, the ever-nebulous “things” that must be done. (4)”

    Oh, crap! Dark Willow’s here, too?
    *Fires scyther-rifle*

    It’s spreading too fast! Make it stop!

  9. andiliteman says:

    //“It will be you left to beat the bad guys in the world and do what needs to be done.”//

    TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE BY ME…

    //Not sure if this is an intentional Full Life Consequences reference or just a lazily reused line. Either way, still sinful. (8)//

    Screw you.

  10. andiliteman says:

    so Jake Snake said “Otacon you were Solid Snakes friend and i want you to be my friend so i will fight metal gears too” so he left to Out Heaven to fight metal gears.

    Are you sure this isn’t an HL:FLC homage? Because between the full-name basis, hilariously bland narration and awkward phrasing it’s beginning to sound just like it.

  11. andiliteman says:

    robot-slaying needs, pick up the new PCC-Brand Rocket Gun! The power of an RPG with the compatibility of a pistol!

    For only ninety-four easy payments of $89.99!

    I’ll take four.

  12. andiliteman says:

    Where did he go” a metal gear said to the other metal gears

    Didn’t you mention that these Metal Gears carry nuclear weapons? They’re obviously armed with other kinds of explosives, too. Why don’t they just cluster bomb the entire area?

  13. andiliteman says:

    Woo! Just finished.

    Glad you riffed this, it was fun. As awful as it is, I actually greatly enjoy squirrelking’s writing. I’m excited to see the sequel, too!

  14. SC says:

    I’d explain the plot further, but not even an SC-Style Infodump would be able to cover that clusterfuck

    Plus you’d owe me royalties, motherfucker.

  15. TacoMagic says:

    I could be wrong, but I don’t think smoking can do anything for tiredness.

    It really depends on the smoker’s physiology. Nicotine has been observed to have both stimulant and suppression effects depending on the smoker, so it may just be that Jake here has physiology that produces the stimulant response from smoking.

    There’s also the mood boost he’d get from satisfying a craving, so that would perk him up, too.

  16. TacoMagic says:

    Some of my earliest memories involve playing a demo of Metal Gear Solid on my PS1

    And now I feel old. Imma go get some Bengay and shake my cane at those damn kids who keep using the sidewalk in front of my house.

  17. Delta XIII says:

    I’ve written up a trailer for my upcoming multi-chapter riffing project!

    DISCLAIMER: The events of the following trailer are a dramatization. None of these events are likely to actually happen in the riff. In fact, I can pretty much gurantee that they won’t. This was all in good fun. Please don’t lynch me.

    [SETTING: A small, square room, akin to a shed, laid out like a bedroom. On a queen-sized bed in the centre, Delta XIII browses the internet on a laptop hooked up to his television. Frustration is steadily building on his face. After a while, he audibly groans and flops backwards onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.]
    DELTA: Ugh, I never should have promised that multi-chapter project. I don’t even know what I’m gonna review!
    [Delta sits up again, absentmindedly gazing around the room for a source of inspiration. His gaze stops at a shelf next to his TV, holding various video games.]
    DELTA: Hmm…
    [Leaving his seat, Delta peruses the shelf, eventually picking out a particular game.]
    DELTA: Borderlands 2…
    [Recognition flashes on Delta’s face, quickly replaced with horror.]
    DELTA: Wait… didn’t I see a badfic based on this somewhere?
    [Rushing back to his spot, Delta frantically searches the internet, finally coming across the story in question.]
    DELTA: Well, here it is, but…
    [A certain detail of the story catches Delta’s eye, causing him to visibly flinch.]
    DELTA: …do I dare? This early in my riffing career?
    [Delta briefly paces the room, mumbling arguments to himself. After some time, he sits back down, a determined expression on his face.]
    DELTA: Well, I’ll never know unless I try.
    [CUT TO BLACK]

    SOME RISKS

    [SETTING: One of many hallways in the Library. Delta and SC are in the middle of an intense argument.]
    DELTA: Oh, come on! We take crazy risks here all the time!
    SC: This isn’t crazy, it’s downright suicidal!

    WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE TAKEN

    [SETTING: Bifocals’ lab. An assortment of random objects is littered on a nearby table.]
    BIFOCALS: So, what’s it for?
    DELTA: It may be the only thing that could help retain what’s left of my sanity. Can you get it done?
    BIFOCALS: *scoffs* I could do it with my eyes closed.
    DELTA: *deadpan* Please don’t.

    THIS YEAR

    [SETTING: An abandoned warehouse. Delta is in Super Saiyan form, a furious glare on his face.]
    DELTA: Stealing the nukes was one thing, but pinning it on Gumdrop? That’s just plain evil!
    CRUNCHY: *deadpans* …you do realise who you are talking to?
    DELTA: …fair enough.

    ONE MAN

    [SETTING: The Riffing Chamber. Delta has just finished slamming his head on the desk.]
    DELTA: This is only Chapter Five! Why is this “romance” escalating this quickly?!
    [Delta leans forward, resting his head in his hands.]
    DELTA: Then again, given the author, I really shouldn’t be surprised.

    WILL RISK IT ALL

    [SETTING: Outside the Riffing Chamber. Delta is standing in front of the door, preparing to enter. Lyle walks up next to him.]
    LYLE: Are you absolutely sure about this?
    [Delta takes a deep breath before responding.]
    DELTA: If not me, who else?
    [After a beat, Lyle nods and opens the door.]
    LYLE: I hope you know what you’re doing.
    DELTA: *quietly* So do I.

    EVERYTHING WRONG WITH

    Maya and Raider

    By Eclipsepheniox

    COMING 2017

    MAYBE

    HOPEFULLY

    • BatJamags says:

      [SETTING: A volcano base that may or may not be considered part of the Library. BatJamags is reading the trailer.]
      BAT: Oh, this sounds fun. Go for it, I want to see the firewor-

      By Eclipsepheniox

      BAT: DON’T DO IT MAN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR

    • GhostCat says:

      EVERYTHING WRONG WITH

      Maya and Raider

      By Eclipsepheniox

      COMING ARRIVING 2017

      MAYBE

      HOPEFULLY

      Given the path EP fics take, might I suggest a slight word change?


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