1609: A New Metal Cyborg Trio! – Chapter Three, Part One

Title: A New Metal Cyborg Trio!
Author: bopdog111
Media: Video Game
Topic: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
Genre: Adventure/Mystery
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, Commander Margot Delacroix and Roy Saint


Commander. Please. I’m begging you. Don’t do it to me again.


Look, I know about the title, I know it’s… how it is, and I’ve been reminded every single time I’ve tried to open a riff. PLEASE don’t do it to me again!

Margot: …That certainly is a name.

Whew! Thank you. You have no idea how annoying that’s been for-

Specs, poking his head in: Hey, guys! What’s going on in he- wow! Check out that redundant fic title!

*Alarms Blare*

*An aura of sheer rage snaps into existence around SC as though he had suddenly burst into flames*


Specs: Uh oh.

*Specs makes a tactical retreat as SC the Hate Meteor rockets out into the hall after him, firing bullets wildly – much to the misfortune of the approaching DRD squad, who have no time to dive for cover*

Roy: Here’s a benefit to being a cyborg: I can turn my ears off at any time I so choose.

Margot: Were that we all could be so privileged…


Margot: So, did you successfully destroy his asshole with that God damn sword?

No, the ninjas buttered the floor under my feet, and I tripped right into Gumdrop, who then promptly sat on me to death. That little fucker got lucky this time.

Margot: Could your sudden and untimely demise have any correlation to you now being dressed like Harley Quinn?


Roy: I see why you wear turtlenecks, now. That bodysuit makes you look a bit pudgy.

Gee, thanks, fuckstain. I sure needed to hear that after just dying.

*sigh* Anyhow.

Hello, and welcome back to A New Metal Cyborg Trio!, by bopdog111! I’m your, uh, “jesterly” host, SC, and last time, Captain Dumbass met Raiden – big surprise there, we all saw it coming – promptly lost and was butchered into tiny pieces by Raiden, and then suffered a literal and inexplicable case of Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies that kicked his mental reprogramming out of gear and allowed him to start actually remembering what happened to him. Yes, the author is so bad at writing plots that he couldn’t figure out a more logical way to knock the sense back into his characters than by having random boulders fall on their heads for no reason. Nevermind that Raiden could have easily just knocked his programming out of whack with his superior strength, and that would have served the purpose just as well, and have actually been plausible within canonical reasoning-

*Margot coughs into her hand*

-Ah, but I’m getting off track, here. After that, Captain Dumbass brought Raiden to Wolf and Madison, who quickly labeled him a traitor and engaged in combat, which was where the chapter ended.

This week, we reach the (so far) final chapter of this piece of crap, after which point I’ll be going back to LAFS with a decidedly clearer head – not to mention better riffing capability, which should see a marked increase in the quality of the riffs from now on. But enough about that, let’s worry about what really matters here: The folks riffing with me today!

Now, I know that I said that there are two members of Cobalt’s team I haven’t riffed with yet… and, uh, here’s why: One of them is Cobalt, himself. I tried asking him several times, but it’s like he knew what I was going to say, because he traced back the IP addresses and hacked into every computer I tried to contact him from, then completely wiped out their programming. A simple “no” would have sufficed.

As for the other member of Cobalt’s team… uh, well, that would be Bear. You know, the one who hates anything and everything that crosses her line of vision? Yeah. So, I tried to invite her to the riff. She promptly broke my leg. Then I asked if, maybe, her sister Jackal might be interested. She promptly broke my other leg. I was about to ask if it was cool to have her niece Nikki help with the riff, but I think Bear saw that one coming, because she punched out my Adam’s apple before I could try.

So, you know, they won’t be joining us.

However, Commander Margot Delacroix was willing to lend a hand, and Roy Saint just offered himself to the cause out of nowhere, so it’s all good.

Let’s start with Margot – you may remember that she played a pivotal role in both Gunny and Rook’s backstories, being Gunny’s former commanding officer in the military and the invading force that violently broke Rook out of prison. That’s far from the whole story, of course. The whole story is reeeaaally long, though, and even this condensed version is something of a weighty brick of text, so strap in.

As far as her early life goes, there’s not much to talk about. Margot was born into wealth, she joined the Armée de Terre (the French Army, literally “Land Army”) when she was eighteen, and about three or four years into her military career, Margot wound up catching the eye of the right people in charge, and she was selected to be a member of the newly formed Task Force 285, whose primary objective was tactical assault and seizure of fortified enemy bases. Another three years went by, and she was such a force to be reckoned with that Richard Dole extended an offer to her to join his PMC as one of his primary assets. She accepted, and proved to be such a capable operative that Dole made her his second-in-command for a time… but, then she came down badly sick and had to go on medical leave, and she learned, from none other than Doc, at the time still a regular hospital doctor, that she had developed cancer in her lungs. Thankfully, well, it was Doc who told her that, and he and his twin brother, Doctor Adam Bradford, were among the most competent medics in the facility, not to mention that Margot actually caught wind of her cancer early in, so the treatments that took place easily squashed the issue. Of course, one of the treatments in question was chemotherapy, a.k.a. Hello Gut, Meet Chemical Fist, so Margot ended up being out of the game for a number of months after the fact just for recovery’s sake. When she was finally able to return to work, she was unlucky enough to discover that her position had been taken by Dole’s new right hand man, Rex, a Scottish soldier-turned-hitman who specialized in making bodies “disappear,” which was a level Margot could never bring herself to stoop to. Dole had also hired a new left hand man named Dorian, a murderous, womanizing sadist whose morals were questionable and whose loyalty was bought with money, which Margot considered among the lowest marks of a man. These two dangerous newbies stepping in during her absence left Margot in the #4 seat on the command roster, which came as a huge slap in the face for her, as Dole had informed her that her place within his organization was secure. It served as the first of many eye-openers to who Richard Dole really was, and each new and disturbing revelation soured Margot’s view of the man further. Dole’s sudden ambition, and some recent missions he’d deployed her on (the aforementioned violently breaking Rook out of prison thing, for example) haven’t helped matters any, and fearing that he might do something incredibly heinous if left unopposed, Margot began quietly working behind the scenes with Cobalt and Scarlet’s teams to try and dismantle her boss’ operations. In fact, telling Cobalt about Gunny, and her subsequently joining Cobalt’s team, was a subtle play by Margot to help give Dole’s old nemesis a leg up on him, because Gunny was Margot’s protege back in Task Force 285.

As for Roy Saint – this is another brick of text, so don’t undo your straps just yet.

Roy’s kind of near and dear to me, as a character. I first thought him up after playing the Thing-Thing series of flash games back when I was thirteen (it should be noted here that Roy was one of the exceedingly few GOOD characters I came up with at age thirteen), and his character was interesting enough for me to keep around and gradually flesh out for years after the fact. According to his current canon, Roy Saint was the very first cyborg experiment of Solaris’ (reminder: Solaris, along with Aegis Vanguard, are two business rivals of Guardian PMC). Originally, he was just some nobody drifter who had run away from home for some reason or another. Back then, Solaris was still a human-run group, and didn’t have as many resources as they do nowadays, and with the then superior Aegis Vanguard bearing down on them if they so much as blinked wrong, it wasn’t like they could just open recruitment for their cyborg experimentation… sooo, Roy ended up getting kidnapped off the street and mind-wiped. Unfortunately for Solaris, one good thing and one bad thing ended up happening in tandem: the good thing was that Roy, as a cyborg, was a thrilling success. He was, and to this day probably still is, their strongest cyborg operative. But… uh… the BAD thing was that his mind-wipe didn’t quite take. Turns out that the random nobody drifter was unusually strong-minded. He wound up snapping out of his amnesia and recalled that he had been kidnapped by the same fuckers who were trying to make a supersoldier out of him, and that pissed him off really bad. It did serve as a good opportunity for him to test out his new capabilities when he went on a massive killing spree and broke out of the testing facility he was being held at, though, and I’m sure Solaris looked over the data acquired from their sudden immense loss of resources with great interest. Anyhow, after busting out of the clink, as it were, Roy had to go to ground and assume a myriad of different identities in order to hide from Solaris, so it should go without saying that his current name, “Roy Saint,” is just a cover. Beyond that, Roy has kind of been like Raiden: just a wandering free agent doing field work for whoever would give him the time of day. This included Cobalt and Scarlet, at various points, and presently, Margot. Take a guess why she’s hired him.

So, after all that yammering about these two fucks-

Margot: Well, that was certainly uncalled for.

-let’s finally get to the riff!

I don’t own the Metal Gear Series only the OCs!

And thank goodness for that.

(Blade Wolf Boss theme: I’m My Own Master Now)

What’s that, you say? A chance to show off insanely awesome music? Why, don’t mind if I do!

It’s too bad I show this awesome soundtrack off right before awful fight scenes. Kind of cheapens the majesty that is sick-as-shit guitar riffs and actually pretty meaningful lyrics.

Roy: Hey, maybe this is some kind of karma for sticking me with Riot as a themesong.

O-oh, you… still remember that, huh?

Uh… heh… yeah. That’s, uh, that’s an example of the kind of music I listened to back when I was edgy as all fuck, audience, and true to his claims, I did kind of stick Roy with it back in the early stages of his character as a “themesong” of sorts. Nowadays, I don’t really bother with it, but I’d much sooner give him either I’m My Own Master Now or Rules of Nature if I still did the themesong thing. Because honestly, the lyrics from either of those easily fit him better than “people piss me off so I’ma start breaking shit.” Even if that is literally what he did.

Wolf, and Madison health bars appear at the coner.

I guess “coner” is a kind of mixed drink you could expect to find at a health bar, huh?

Margot: Name aside, if it is a health bar, it likely has protein powders mixed into it.

Chalky, gross-tasting booze, anyone?

Margot: Pas intéressé.

Blade Wolf’s said 100.0%, LQ-84I at the top and right below Madison’s that said 100.0%, and Windblade at the top. This is an example if you don’t get it.
Windblade: 100.0%
LQ-84I: 100.0%
That is what i ment.

Oh, fuck you, asshole. Bad enough that you write every fight scene like an in-game boss battle, don’t put in-narrative “examples” of gameplay mechanics into your fic too, you little shit.

Actually, funny story: remember that review I left this author last chapter? The one where I called him out on exactly that issue, where he writes all his fight scenes like a game? He actually replied, and gave me a total cop-out. Something to the effect of, “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to try and fix that, but then fight scenes won’t be as long.”

Roy: …Why do they need to be long?

They don’t. That’s exactly it. He can’t be assed to write fight scenes better because he doesn’t believe in quick fights, the dumbass.

Margot: It’s really too bad that I am not able to force the author to run laps around a large field for feeding me foutaise like this. That was the punishment anybody under my command received.

Roy: How many laps did you make them run?

Margot: As many as it took to make them regret their decisions.

So, like, you never inflicted push-ups on them?

Margot: That was only on particularly bad days, after they gave up on running. And it was more than simply push-ups, I made them go through an entire regimen to my standards. Why do you think everyone in my current squad is nearly twice my size?

Roy: So, by being less stupid than your subordinates, you’re also weaker than them? Couldn’t that backlash on you if any of them were… less than impressed with your handling of authority?

Margot: Perhaps to a certain degree. But if any of them ever wanted to try their hands at getting back at me, I would certainly hope that they are at least on my level of skill beforehand, and that they come more prepared than I do, because one thing I always made sure of was to have a thorough plan to eliminate each and every one of them if need be.

…You’ve had an awful lot of subordinates, though.

Margot: Which is why I have all of those plans saved and locked away, just in case any part of my past ever comes back to bite me. I’m no fool, I know for certain that I never quite connected with some of the people I commanded. And even the ones I did could be flipped if given enough of a push. That even goes for Gunny, even though I’m quite certain that she left my ranks on a high note, institutionalization aside.

Roy: But she’s with Cobalt’s team now. If she did flip on you, wouldn’t you be screwed more than her?

Margot: The only difference in Gunny’s elimination plan is that I’ve had to alter it to include circumventing the solid defense offered by her current squad mates. It wasn’t particularly difficult to do, either. Her current team, for all their infamy and the tricks they have up their sleeves, are rather gimmicky individuals who are strongest in one field, and one field only. Even Cobalt, who is the most adaptable of the lot. All I need to do is exploit each of their individual weaknesses, and then Gunny would be a fish in a barrel. She would have to know that I was there to kill her, and use that forewarning to kill me first. That is the only fatal flaw that I can’t honestly counteract. Beyond that, though, she wouldn’t have a prayer… so I’m hopeful it never comes to that between us.

…Commander Margot Delacroix, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t piss her off. Ever.

And on that note, fuck you, Roy, for getting us off topic, and back to the riff we go!

Roy: Hey, it’s not entirely my fau-

(Objective: Defeat the Blade Wolf, and Madison)

So, really, the objective is just to defeat Blade Wolf, then.

Roy: Madison is a non-entity, here?

Basically. So far, we’ve established that she has crap weapons, stupid armor, and can only really act in tandem with the rest of the character blob. She has no individuality, and even if she did, she’s too weak to be considered a plausible threat. Plus, the following fight scene, I’m sure, is going to highlight all of her failures.

Margot: Remove the unnecessary crassness, and that was basically me speaking just then.

Kinda, yeah.

Honestly, with how bad this guy has shown himself to be at writing fight scenes with multiple combatants, I’m kind of interested to see how he handles four different fighters with their own unique methods, rather than three lookalikes doing the exact same thing to one wildly incompetent opponent.

Margot: Thankfully, I had the foresight to bring my knife in the event that someone’s eyes would need to be gouged out. I’m not sure I expected it to be me who would end up needing it, though.

Wolf jumped off while Madison watched.

Roy: …You can join in at any time, kid.

No no, she just wants to see how this plays out first.

Margot: Do cyborgs still have the ability to eat popcorn?

Roy: I can’t say for her, but she might try in a second.

Raiden strike him as Wolf used his Chainsaw to attack but Raiden blocked it. Raiden went to attack but Wolf jumped back. Wolf used one of his flaming knifes but Raiden avoided it. Wolf use his Tornado move to hit Raiden but he blocked. Wolf ran around as Raiden tried to hit him and got him a couple of times.

Margot: Who knew that a single cyborg operative with nothing but a sword to protect him would be such an impenetrable bulwark?

In fairness to Wolf, Raiden is kind of unfairly good at his job.

Wolf tried to claw me

I like to imagine Captain Idiot was just standing there watching, and then Wolf tried to attack him and he was all, “NOT ME, YOU DICK!”

Margot: “Oh, what an interesting fi- oh wait, yes, I’m here too, I forgot!

Roy: “Nobody told me I was a target!”

but i blocked it and strike him while unleashing my dagger at him as he backed up.

Margot: …So the dagger did nothing.

Standard fare for a lot of things Captain Idiot does in fight scenes, honestly.

(Getting rid of the stupid health bar updates the author insists on jamming into the fic because that shit means nothing here.)

Roy: What the fuck?

Sorry, that was me.

Roy: Don’t do that, okay?

I promise nothing.

Wolf jumped back and threw more if his Knifes but me,

Margot: Not too certain about throwing his knives, hmm?

More like he wasn’t sure if they were Knifes. For what Wolf knows, they could have been Kuhnifees.

Margot: Do I need to stab out my eardrums, too?

Roy: I think Captain Idiot is surprised that he didn’t get thrown.

So am I, if I’m honest.

Margot: But he’s not exactly a knife. I don’t think Wolf could throw him.

You clearly have not seen how the battle between Wolf and Khamsin plays out.

Margot: …Comment retracted.

and Raiden blocked them.

Shit, it’s almost like HF Knives are damn near useless or something!

Roy: I mean, I’m sure a regular soldier would have zero defense against an HF Knife thrown right at their face, but these are cyborgs we’re talking about here. I may be an unfair example, but I make a game out of shooting knives out of the air. Not because it provides any sort of combat advantage or anything, it’s just because I can.

That’s kind of Raiden’s gig too, but with a sword. And he usually does it because he needs to.

Wolf gone for another tornado but i blocked it and i strike at him. Woof used his Chainsaw when i got close but i blocked it and i slashed him with my all my strength.

Margot: Meaning you’ve just expended all your ability to continue to fight. Well done being the first to die.

I would like to note here that Madison has still not done anything.

Roy: I guess this means you’re wrong about her not having any individuality – she’s the lazy one.

You know, I hadn’t thought of it that way.

“A Savvy warrior uses all of his tools.

Oh no, he’s sending mooks at them, whatever shall-

Windblade your cue!” Wolf said as he jumps to a ledge and howled.

Oh, he’s sending someone worse than mooks at them, whatever shall Raiden do?

Roy: …Wait, who’s Windblade?


Roy: Oh, she’s finally doing something? Neat!

(Windblade Boss theme: A Fight to the Death)

Okay, so the only “Fight to the Death” I could find was by Psychostick, and the song opens on a wildly uncalled for battle royale over a slice of pizza. Does the author even TRY with his music choices?

Margot: I am curious – it seems as though battle themes are common in Revengeance, yes?

In-game only, so they make no sense in a fic, but yes.

Margot: You said that you gave Roy a themesong a long time ago, right?


Margot: If you still did themesongs, what would you have chosen for me?

Probably this:

Margot: …Why?

Because it popped up in the comments of a riff… Lyle did, I think, a while back while I was coming up with your character, and now it’s the song that I relate to you.

Margot: Sounds like you got the short end of the stick again, Roy.

Roy: Dude, what the fuck?


Madison dropped down and slashed sith

*Agonized raptor screeching*

Oh shit, she got Crunchy!

her blades but we avoided as i slashed her with my sword and Raiden did the same as she avoided. “C’mon losers!” She yelled.

Margot: You know, back in the military, Gunny had a funny habit of waiting until the enemies started trying to taunt us before taking aim at the one who spoke and removing the greater part of their jaw from their skull. Don’t get me wrong, she’s the best sniper I’ve ever had under my command, but she was oddly spiteful towards mockery, and I never did find out why.

Strangely, she handled riffing perfectly fine.

Margot: No no, she was spiteful towards mockery that was directed at her.


She fired more of her daggers but i blocked them as i activated ‘Blade Mode’ that i slashed, and slashed her. I got her like 6 times.

Roy: Weak. I could have turned your bitch ass into Swiss cheese hundreds of times.

Although, you, Raiden, Sam and Wolf are all kind of unfair examples on the scale of cyborg ass-whoopery.

Roy: That changes nothing.

Raiden use his foot to attack a lot more but Madison avoided them as she disappeared.

Margot: I’m not certain what he thought doing the can-can was going to accomplish in the first place.

Well, he can hold his sword with his feet. Can you imagine getting can-canned by an HF Blade?

Margot: Put in that context, it would be the most painful and embarrassing thing I would ever feel.

Hey, Vamp got tap-danced all over, you’d have something in common.

(There are no idiotic health meters here, move along citizen.)

Margot: Merde, you need to not insert your notes into the riff like that. I thought the author was saying that there weren’t any health meters.

If he were saying it, it would have been much more painful on the eyes.

Madison reappeared and fly around as she let some daggers off of her belt and they floated in the air.

Hey, you useless fuck! That’s Monsoon’s gig! Get your own!

Margot: I thought his gig was magnets?

Yes, and floating weaponry is involved in that!

Roy: Anybody else getting the feeling that she’s about to pull some Sword Art Online crap?

Ugh, that’s even worse…

After that she yelled “DIE!”

Roy: Nah.

Margot: I would love to, but my week is booked solid with being alive.

You two are in the wrong place, then.

As the daggers charged

but we manage to blocked them.

There’s a point in Revengeance canon where you have to wonder why anybody with HF Knives even tries. Well, anybody who isn’t Wolf, I mean.

I slashed her and with my dagger as she got pushed back and yelled “Bastards!”

Roy: You’re just mad because his knife skills are slightly less shit than yours.

Margot: It’s almost sad to think that I would be more than a match for two cyborg operatives on the basis of them being so painfully bad at what they were made to do.

I think this would be the one fight where Contacts could safely get up close and personal, and not risk dying as a result of it.

[Shit, you serious? Be right back, I’ma test that theory. -Contacts]

She attacked again but Raiden blocked her next attack and slashed and slashed.

*Raiden* “WHY! WON’T! YOU! FUCKING! DIE?!”

I charged and thrusted and she yelled as she got pushed back by the force.

Roy: Whoa.

Margot: Mon Dieu.

Jesus. Okay, so Captain Dumbass pelvic thrusts like a Sherman tank, good to know.

(These health meters have been confiscated as evidence in an ongoing investigation by the Department of Pointless Details.)

Roy: Look, motherfucker, how many times do we have to tell you?!


She got back up and said “Stormshadow… you are a traitor!”

Roy: I thought we already established this?

I guess that pelvic thrust broke Madison’s memory records.

Roy: Note to self, upgrade armor plating on brain box.

Margot: They put your brain in a box?
Roy: Sort of. It’s kind of like a CPU tower, but in my head, and my brain is the motherboard.

Margot: Oh, that kind of box.

She charged as me and Raiden blocked both of her blades. She used her foot to grab another one of her daggers and tried to thrust it at Raiden but he avoided it and i kicked her out of the way. Madison slashed me three times. I mangae to avoid them and Raiden went to blade mode and slashed her at least 6 times.

Roy: It occurs to me that Madison has yet to land a square hit.

Told you she was worse than mooks.

Margot: It isn’t hard to be worse than mooks, but it takes a special kind of incompetence to be this badly so.

[So, as bad as Contacts, then? -Book Specs]

[Motherfucker, come over here and say that to my face! -Contacts]

*A muffled WHAP erupts through the Library*

Roy: What was that noise?

Don’t worry about it.

[Aaaaand he got blood all over my staff. Wonderful. -Book Specs]

She blocked the last one. I kicked her face

Margot: Now, that was just spiteful.

as a part of her visor broke showing one of her eyes. “Wolf. Your turn!” Madison said as she jumps back on the ledge.

(What health meters, what, where?)

(Blade Wolf boss theme: I’m My Own Master Now)

Margot: I am sorry, but why are we switching back and forth between boss themes for each character in this fight?

Yeah, in-game, that would be tacky as shit.

Wolf jumped back down and said “Your intellects are far below human standard.”

Oh, a game of insults, is it? Well, I’ll have you know that I’ve been playing Oh… Sir! recently, and am a properly trained master of gentlemanly insults!

And on that note, your dear auntie dances like a red-arsed baboon and admires pictures of Satan!

*Shades yelps in pain out in the hall*

Whoops. I hit the wrong target.


Raiden strike him as Wolf fired more of his knifes.

Roy: Anybody else think “firing more knifes” sounds like some kind of maniacal knife minigun?

Would you kindly not give Bifocals any fucking ideas?

Raiden, and i blocked. He has gone for another tornado but we blocked it.

You blocked the tornado, or him going for it?

Margot: And if the answer is the former, might I advise you to never watch Sharknado again?

Wolf used his saw and another tornado but we blocked the two attacks.

Abkhazia’s weather is going to be ruined by the end of this fight.

As Raiden, and me Strike him Wolf used his saw again. “Combination Attack.” Wolf said. We strike him as he did back up. Raiden slashed him as he attacked. The barrels behind Raiden exploded hitting Wolf.

Roy: Wait, what? When were there barrels here? And why did they explode? What the fuck is going on with this country?!

Boulders are raining from the sky, barrels are exploding for no reason, tornadoes are ripping through the streets – it’s a mad world in Badficland, folks.

“To continue alone would be foolish. Help me Windblade!” Wolf said as he jumped back up and howled.

(By order of His Majesty, the King of Pointless Details, you are hereby ordered to cease your search for health meters, at once!)

Roy: Okay, now you’re just screwing around.

I’ve been screwing around since we started, did you just now notice?

(Windblade boss theme: A Fight to the Death)

Madison summoned her Sparrow which is a bike with no wheels. She ride on it while slashing us.

Her vehicle is called the Sparrow… which is a type of bird… but her vehicle is a bike… and it doesn’t have wheels… which are what bikes need in order to move… and yet she can still ride it?

We blocked her attacks.

Roy: She has still not once landed a square hit. For fuck’s sake.

She’s a Shadowrun cyborg, you see, and she’s been getting nothing but ones so far.

Margot: There comes a time where you have to question how long your character is going to survive the adventure when you can’t even hit a target properly.

We slashed her bike as it exploded

Well, so much for her Sparrow, useless hunk of crap that it was.

and she yelled as we attacked her. She jumped to her feet and attack for a while as we blocked her blows. Raiden slashed hitting her as she yelled back. I kicked her three times and i punched her face.

So, Raiden is still sticking by his sword, and meanwhile, here’s Captain Dumbass over here having a temper tantrum.

Margot: Ah, children.

“That does it! Wolf! Let’s kill them together!” Madison yelled as Wolf roared.

Roy: I suppose it’s good that she’s finally getting mad, but I doubt that’ll do much to improve upon her uselessness.

Margot: I recall one time when my assault specialist, Wren, got especially upset that her gun was spraying bullets too wide to hit anything, so she ran up to the nearest enemy and started bludgeoning them with a nearby pipe. It was certainly a terrifying sight to behold, but she still wound up with six rounds in her back, and Edgar and Robert had to drag her to safety under a hailstorm of enemy fire. The only reason they got out unscathed was because I and my heavy weapons specialist, Hector, were holding them down with suppressing fire. Afterwards, my medic, Maria, got to a point where she was beginning to lose hope that she could bring the poor girl back to working order. I’m fairly certain the only reason Wren survived was because none of the bullets hit anything vital, and getting shot made her even more angry. In any event, that whole debacle could have been avoided if she had just turned full auto off and actually aimed.

Roy: So how many laps did she end up running?

Margot: She was still figuring out how to use her legs again, so I made her do army crawls. For three miles straight.

And Rook thinks taking a bullet in a hostage situation is impressive.

Margot: She lied about that, by the way. She took a bullet when she decided to start badmouthing the hostage-takers, and the SWAT team lying in wait just outside the doors took that to mean that the situation had degraded to a point where they needed to effect entry immediately. None of this nonsense about how she caused such chaos and then used her fading strength to finish off the bad guys. Although, her escaping the hospital is true.

I fucking knew it.

Roy: She’s an ex-con, guilty of a near-innumerable amount of crimes, you didn’t think that she might have a penchant for lying?

I probably should have.

(Attention, Citizen Serial Number 23558-B: Due to your persistence in seeking health meters, you are hereby in direct violation of the No Useless Details Law, and have earned the designation, “criminal scum.” Surrender your belongings to the droid dispatched to meet you, and report to the nearest patrol for immediate imprisonment. Failure to comply will result in your swift disintegration.)

(Final part of the Boss battle theme: I’m My Own Master Now)

Oh God, the author was combining the two songs? That sounds disgusting in my head.

Wolf jumped down, as Madison summoned her Sparrow again.

Oh look, the useless bike is back.

Raiden striked Wolf as I get Madison. Wolf tried to use his tornado but Raiden blocked it and slashed Wolf to no-end. I manage to make Madison’s Sparrow explode as she yelled out.

Nevermind, they destroyed it again.

Roy: Why even give her a combat vehicle if it’s constructed out of explodium?

Armstrong hates her, obviously.

Wolf used his knifes, and Tornado but Raiden blocked them as he kicked Wolf away as he groaned “Superficial damage.”

According to the last pointless health bar I deleted, your health was at 30-something percent. I’d say the damage is more than superficial.

I grabbed Madison by her neck and Raiden grabbed Wolf by his head as they both yelled “S-Stop…!/S-Stop…!”

See? I told you Madison had no individuality.

Roy: No kidding.

Raiden thrust in Wolf twice


Roy: Thankfully, I can also turn off my imagination on a moment’s notice.

as he groaned and kicked Wolf to the air as Raiden activated ‘Blade Mode’ and sliced, and Diced Wolf to bits. I punched Madison twice as she groaned and i activated ‘Blade Mode’ to strike her enough to damage her critically but not kill her as Wolf groaned “Cannot… Continue.”

…Existing in this badfic? Yeah, I don’t blame you, bro.

(Objective complete: Eradication of pointless health meters is 100%.)

(Theme ends)

Me, Raiden, and Madison got a call as we answered and heard Wolf’s voice “Directive… liberate… nation… ensure freedom… Obey directive… Must obey directive… no freedom… Freedom… undefined…” “What would an AI know about freedom?” Raiden ask in confusion. “Wh-What are you… doing… f-finish me off!” Madison yelled. “No. We are friends. I’ll not kill you. Next time. I hope you learn your lesson.” I said as i out my sword, and dagger up.

Huh, that’s wacky. Now back to being cyborgs and shit!

I’m serious, look:

We ran and left her and we killed some Desperado Cyborgs along the way. He even crushed some electrolytes. That’s weird. We ran into some helicopters as i manage to destroy them.

Roy: “Crushing electrolytes?”

Ripping out cyborg spines and eating them because he’s a spinal tap vampire according to my headcanon.

Roy: That’s fucking gross. And this is coming from a guy who frequently reduces people to bloody giblets.

And on that rather gruesome note, let’s go ahead and call it here for the week!

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Hopefully, next week, I will ACTUALLY be done with this damn fic, because my God, it’s starting to drag on. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually want to get back to LAFS. It’s horrible. But, in the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Commander Margot Delacroix and Roy Saint, I’ll see you next time!

…Okay, lay it on me: How many laps do Roy and I need to run for being dicks the whole riff?

Margot: I’m not certain it will matter for Roy, but you get to run the entire Library until your legs give out.

You know the Library is a single, endless hallway with multiple floors, right?

Margot: Get running.



41 Comments on “1609: A New Metal Cyborg Trio! – Chapter Three, Part One”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    (Blade Wolf Boss theme: I’m My Own Master Now)

    Oh god, ANOTHER fight scene?

    • SC says:

      I mean, anybody who’s ever played Revengeance can attest that there are plenty of MOOK fights, but this has been a near-endless wave of boss battles, and I can’t even begin to fathom how the author thinks he has any business writing this like a video game with that in mind, because his idea of a video game is bullshit.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Blade Wolf’s said 100.0%, LQ-84I at the top and right below Madison’s that said 100.0%, and Windblade at the top. This is an example if you don’t get it.
    Windblade: 100.0%
    LQ-84I: 100.0%
    That is what i ment.


  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Raiden strike him as Wolf used his Chainsaw to attack but Raiden blocked it. Raiden went to attack but Wolf jumped back. Wolf used one of his flaming knifes but Raiden avoided it. Wolf use his Tornado move to hit Raiden but he blocked. Wolf ran around as Raiden tried to hit him and got him a couple of times.

    See Wolf jump. Jump jump jump. See Wolf use one of his flaming knifes. See Raiden block the flaming knife. Block block block.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Madison dropped down and slashed sith

    MaulxDooku OTP?

  5. BatJamags says:

    She fired more of her daggers but i blocked them as i activated ‘Blade Mode’ that i slashed, and slashed her. I got her like 6 times.

    But you’re-

    And she’s-

    Author, I don’t think you understand what slash is. Do you need me to draw you a diagram?

  6. BatJamags says:

    She attacked again but Raiden blocked her next attack and slashed and slashed.

    Dammit, fic! I’m running out of slash jokes!

  7. BatJamags says:

    I charged and thrusted and she yelled as she got pushed back by the force.

    Captain Dumbass is a Jedi?

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    i blocked them as i activated ‘Blade Mode’ that i slashed, and slashed her.

    Yes, but did you slash her?

  9. BatJamags says:

    Roy: Anybody else think “firing more knifes” sounds like some kind of maniacal knife minigun?

    I want one.

  10. BatJamags says:

    her Sparrow which is a bike with no wheels

    Or you could just call it a hoverbike and forego the pretentious name, and save yourself some pointless, unhelpful explanations.

  11. BatJamags says:

    Raiden thrust in Wolf twice

    Alright, that’s not even funny; it’s just depressing.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    Directive… liberate… nation… ensure freedom… Obey directive… Must obey directive… no freedom… Freedom… undefined…

    No more Trump rallies for you…

  13. Delta XIII says:

    Margot: Who knew that a single cyborg operative with nothing but a sword to protect him would be such an impenetrable bulwark?

    In fairness to Wolf, Raiden is kind of unfairly good at his job.

    Kinda comes with the territory when you’re a former child soldier with a split personality, a hi-tech cyborg body, and a penchant for blades.

    • SC says:

      And, you know, playing Wolf properly results in a similar effect, so even a robot dog buddy more specced for stealth ops than open combat is an impenetrable bulwark.

      And Sam’s just Sam, no comment on that one.

  14. Delta XIII says:

    Roy: Anybody else think “firing more knifes” sounds like some kind of maniacal knife minigun?

    Would you kindly not give Bifocals any fucking ideas?

    Too late, Saints Row IV did it first.


    • SC says:

      *Bifocals sighs, crumples up a page of blueprints, and throws it into a furnace*

      • Delta XIII says:

        *gives consoling shoulder pat*
        You could always just make a working version.
        *also gives consoling pizza*

      • SC says:

        *Shades kicks the door open, rushes over and punches Bifocals so hard that the pizza flies out of her hands and into the furnace*

        What was that for?!

        Shades: This is a spark we’re all better off stamping out before it can ignite, I think.

        • Delta XIII says:

          *looks at wasted pizza*
          *twitches dangerously*
          *suddenly Super Saiyan*


  15. CruncyRaptor says:

    Madison dropped down and slashed sith

    *Agonized raptor screeching*

    *Crunchy storms into the room waving a sheaf of papers clutched in his talons*

    If I find the odious troglodyte who dared, DARED pair me with Marcus, I shall give them an evisceration they will not soon forget! Slash me, indeed!

    *He throws the papers on the ground and starts to stomp off*

    And not a single cloaca reference at all!

  16. SC says:

    Author comment: Ha ha, whoops, I accidentally linked the entire playlist when I was trying to pick a song for Margot in this riff.

  17. agigabyte says:

    Hey, you useless fuck! That’s Monsoon’s gig! Get your own!

    Wha- hey! I’m not Monsoon’s anything, ya piece of shit!

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