1606: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Ten, Part Two

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey folks!  Welcome back to Igor Makes References, otherwise known as Heroes and Villains.

“Recap!  Last time Jimmy and Buffy were bored in their cell and wanted a book, Elsa and Willow went drinking together, Willow gave Buffy a book, and the prisoners used the book to escape.”

But, because following all that might have managed to be too interesting, we start out this week over with Dr. Horrible as he does things.  Important things.

“Rrrgh!”

Horrible pounded his fist on the table angrily.  He couldn’t concentrate at all.

I can relate.  I have issues concentrating when things are too quiet.  With as much nothing as is happening in this fic, I’d be going stir-crazy.

That little “talk” with her had thrown him off his game completely, refusing to let him form any other strings of thought.

“Why is ‘talk’ in quotations?  Was there some kind of nuance about that talk that I’m not aware of?  Were they actually sewing?”

What was up with that? Queen Elsa of Arendelle? A fictional character? How does that even work?!

Hell if we know.  The fic hasn’t really bothered to try to explain or show anything.  We don’t even know if she’s still CG or not!

And holy hell, what was up with her dress?

“Girls are allowed to wear different clothes, Horrible.  Startling as that may sound, some of us have rather varied wardrobes.”

Though none quite as all-encompassing as Crunchy’s.

“For an ancient evil lord of darkness, he has amazing taste in clothes.”

This was nuts. He’d seen Frozen a million times, sure.

I agree.  It’s nuts that somebody who’s seen Frozen a million times wouldn’t immediately recognize Elsa.  Or at least recognize somebody doing a goth cosplay variation.

Knew Elsa’s lines by heart, knew the songs- but it wasn’t real. Elsa wasn’t a real person. So how in the name of all that was rational and proven was she able to talk to him?

This is why being vague about the particulars of your canon mash is really detrimental.  If Elsa is still CG, then there’s no reason Dr. Horrible would ever have mistaken who she was in the last chapter.  However, if she isn’t CG, there’s no reason he should believe that she’s the real Elsa rather than just somebody pretending to be her.  It’s a catch-22 of stupid.

She’d looked him in the eyes. He was, suffice it to say, a bit surprised.

Most girls vomit uncontrollably just before making eye-contact, making those who can pull off the feat a rare and unexpected gem.

“Memories from your high school days?”

No, most of that was due to the funk I cultivated as an overzealous angler.

That said, there was still more to this- something more Uncanny Valley.

So, Igor is going with Elsa being CG, then.

“Either that, or Elsa is a robot!”

That would be a turn I didn’t expect.  If it turns out that Elsa IS a robot, it would be worth a redemption cookie.

“One that we’d have to immediately take away because a robot shouldn’t be able to do Elsa’s ice magic.”

Yup.

He knew a little something about the way Elsa looked. First of all- that dress was blue. Why was it black all of a sudden?

That’s your stumbling point?  Her dress is the wrong color?

“Quick-change artists must give him some extreme anxiety.”

And how did it get black?

“She can use her powers to create a floral dress, yet her changing the color of an ice-dress seems implausible?”

Black is so hard to do!

Ice does not dye that smoothly.

*Facepalm*

Ice is just frozen water!  It takes on colorant extremely easily!

colored-ice-cubes

I know your PhD is in horribleness, but maybe a few basic science courses would have been called for while you were at it.

Okay, something was up. He’d look into it.

There’s a fictional, CG character running around in the real world, and your stunning conclusion is that ‘something’s up?’

sarcastic-clap-o

Second- didn’t she look… fuller… in the film? Well- not, like, fuller, but more full, y’know?

If that’s supposed to be a tippy-toe reference to her breasts, then no.  She wasn’t very chesty in the show.

“Maybe it’s supposed to be a reference to her being emaciated?”

Maybe, but she was already pretty skinny.  It’s been several weeks since she went evil, so unless she’s still starving herself, she probably would have put back on a decent amount of the weight.   Weight gain after starvation is relatively quick.

Research time.

“Also known as movie night!”

One viewing of Frozen later, he knew he was right.

“About her being a robot!?”

Compared to his memory, there was, he estimated, a difference of more than ten pounds and a few inches measurements-wise between Frozen-Elsa and Not-Supposed-to-be-Real-Elsa, as well as her wardrobe change. Her hair was still the same, though, and even though she’d appeared half-starved, she was still the Snow Queen.

Why is this fic suddenly obsessed with Elsa’s weight?  Ten pounds is not all that much, so Elsa being a little skinnier than expected shouldn’t even elicit a raised eyebrow, let alone a whole section of the fic to explore!  And if she really does still look all bony and starved, somebody needs to get her some French-fries!

It only took a short moment for him to make the next leap: Elsa had said she was working with the people trying to get him- obviously baddies.

He made a logical leap to information that he’d been told outright.  Namtab has got nothing on this guy

That explained the dress, then. Oy vey.

Yes, because only villains wear black.

390_large_2013

“A shifty looking bunch if ever I’ve seen one.”

There were still questions he had, and only Elsa could provide their answers.   As much as it made his lip curl to think about it, he hoped that he would have the opportunity to meet her again, and perhaps find out what the hell she was doing here.

“Mostly she seems to be doing nothing.”

Not so!  She’s spent a not-inconsequential amount of time guarding the prisoners.

“Which requires…”

Uh, it requires her to sit there doing nothing.

Thanks to the magic of mass transportation, Buffy and Marlowe had managed to make it back to Sunnydale in under 12 hours, leaving them a few hours to pull together a plan while they did pest control.

‘Left them a few hours’? What, are they on some kind of schedule?

“So-” Buffy began as the latest recipient of a stake to the heart crumbled into dust, “how are we gonna figure this one out?”

“Well, it would be a good idea to see if we could perhaps find somebody who knows what Willow’s plans are,” Marlowe huffed. “We could attempt to thwart her while she’s weak.”

And you figured the best place to gather intelligence on Willow was in Sunnydale rather than in the heart of her lair.

picard_clapping

Buffy nodded in agreement. “Good idea. Maybe we can try some old haunts and find somebody to pump for information.”

*Headdesk*

Yes, let us talk to people who used to hang out with Willow about what she’s doing now, in a place that’s over a hundred miles away!

“Hey!  We can ask Buffy, she used to hang out with Willow!”

Perfect!

“And then we see if we can put a stop to… whatever it is she’s doing,” Marlowe finished lamely.

At least the narrative is aware of how bad they are at this.

“Okay. Now- how do we find someone who would know what’s happening?” Buffy asked.

“Um… I do not know,” Marlowe admitted.

Might I suggest the secret volcano lair?  Seems like somebody around there might know what’s going on.

“Demon bar?” Buffy suggested.

“I doubt they’d travel this far for a drink,” Marlowe reminded her.

“It’s almost like they’re in the wrong area to gather information.

Almost.

“Word travels quick in the underworld,” Buffy countered. “Even if there isn’t someone who’s directly connected, someone knows down there.”

“That is true,” Marlowe nodded. “Shall we?”

“I prefer to get my plot points from the PCC.  It comes with a guarantee and tech support.  Sure, it’s cheaper to buy your information from the plot dealers in the underworld, but you’ll pay for it in other ways if you go that rout.”

“Hey, I’m armed and always dangerous,” Buffy grinned.

Which is irrelevant when you’re trying to get information.

“Well then- my first trip to a demon bar,” Marlowe smirked.

BAAAAAAAAAAAA!

*GONG*

And a visit from a demon sheep to boot!

“Jimmy is so lucky today!”

“You slay vampires but you’ve never been to a demon bar?” Buffy asked, arching an eyebrow incredulously.

Says the Slayer who didn’t even know they were a thing until five years into her slaying career.

“I slay as a means of population control- I don’t like interacting with demons,” Marlowe explained.

“Probably a good idea,” Buffy chuckled. “My history with demons is ambiguous at best.”

What part of killing ninety-percent of the demons you meet is ambiguous?

“I think that’s better than the rest,” Marlowe laughed.

*Tilts head* “What?  Her having an ambiguous history with demons is better than the rest of history?”

On that strange note, we cut back over to Elso who-

The Tesla shot down Interstate-5 South to L.A., pushing 80 miles an hour.

Hold up!

Okay, continue.

Elsa sat alone in the driver’s seat as the car drove itself, on the phone with Willow, who was back at the H.Q., experiencing a full-on breakdown.

“The car is on the phone!?  While driving?”

This is why you don’t give your car a smart phone.

“Well- I think the best thing you can do right now is to just take a minute to calm yourself down,” Elsa suggested. “You won’t do too much good if you can’t think straight.”

I disagree.  Willow has done enough being calm already.  A few scenes of her actually panicking would be a nice change of pace.

“But I have absolutely no time, Elsa!” Willow exclaimed. “It’s 4 A.M., which means I only have eight hours to get everything!”

“That’s still eight hours,” Elsa reminded her firmly. “A lot happens in eight hours.”

“Not in this organization.”

A lot of nothing is still a lot!

“And there’s the other fun bit- I don’t have the time or resources to find Summers! I can’t keep any of it in order!” Willow said with vehement frustration.

See, this is why you wait until you actually do something before taunting your nemesis.

“Or don’t taunt them and just wait for them to catch on.”

Where’s the style in that?

“Just breathe, Willow,” Elsa ordered. “Take just a small moment, and breathe.”

Willow took a breath obligingly. “This is a nightmare. Doc’s a lost cause at this rate.”

Oh, it’s not just Doc that’s a lost cause.

Well- the quickest thing to do would be for me to go down myself,” Willow began, “but I would be noticed, and then get attacked.”

Uh, why?  You said yourself that you never stooped to stealing wonderflonium, so if you’re going to start now, nobody would see it coming.

“And if I went instead?” Elsa asked.

“You stick out, it’d be just as hard,” Willow disagreed.

“You know, the two of you do have magical-”

“Magic?”

“Right!”

“Like sending up a flare: ‘I’m doing something here that requires my complete focus! Come kill me!'”

Except that Elsa’s magic doesn’t require that much focus.  Neither does the magic used by Dark Willow, now that I think about it.

“Forgo incognito and steal it all?”

“Wait, we weren’t talking about stealing before?”

I guess they were going to use magic to broker the deal.  You know, magically and stuff.

“Dangerous- my guys are good, but not perfect.”

Organization of super-villains run by two magic users.  Still can’t steal things due to the danger.  Makes sense to me.

“Oh!” Elsa suddenly exclaimed, snapping her fingers. “Bad Horse said to me that he would be willing to help us!”

This, of course, happened off the page for a reason. It totally didn’t become a thing just now when Igor realized he forgot to have Elsa actually meet with Bad Horse.

“Really?” Willow asked, surprised.

“Yes! He said either information or reinforcements, either one!” Elsa nodded furiously.

“And he is most definitely trustworthy given his dedication to seeing you fulfill this request.”

“Aa, drat,” Willow huffed. “See, he really means he’ll help us with one aspect- we still need to get the other thing.”

Thing

“Wait, don’t you mean two?” Elsa asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No- we got the access-all-areas card about an hour ago,” Willow replied tiredly.

They acquired it by doing stuff!  Important, villainy stuff.

“Not too villainy. Incognito, remember.”

“Okay then- what should we ask for help with?” Elsa continued on.

“Mmm… probably the wonderflonium. Like I said, high security as of late.”

“And the money?”

“Bake sale!”

I’m not sure you could raise that mu-

“BAKE!  SALE!”

“Well… we couldn’t full-on rob it, someone would call 911…

 

A break in would take too long to coordinate… Oh! I know! I’ll hack into their computers and siphon some money from a corporation account!

Which is different from robbery because it’s digital money and nobody cares about that stuff!

Then we send down someone to cash it all in, and there we have it! Does that sound plausible?”

“Plausible, yes.  Plausible as a way to avoid attracting attention and requiring very little set-up?  No.”

“It sounds good enough to me.”

“Okay, we’ll do that. I’m gonna have to call Bad Horse. I’ll call you back when we’re done.”

Translation:  ‘All the important stuff will happen off page.  We’ll cut back in later after all that is done so we can talk about it.’

“Okay.”

“Just remember- something is likely going to trip us up somewhere down the line- be prepared to improvise.”

“I know.”

Contingency plans are for those losers who like to succeed.

“This doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, maybe we should see how Jimmy is doing?”

Demon bars are not all that different from regular bars. Just swap out humans for various otherworldly creatures, add some more questionable drinks to the line-up, and the rest stays the same.

Which, if the concept is so much the same, why did you bother wasting twenty words on telling us that a demon bar is a bar with demons in it?

Buffy remembered this place from way back, when the barkeep was Willy the Snitch- he had a reputation for saving his own skin- but he’d skipped town a while ago. Hopefully someone equally knowledgable and cowardly had replaced him.

“And hopefully it’s somebody who has an unhealthy obsession with Mount Lassen.”

Without a second glance at any of the patrons assembled, she strode over to the barkeep, who was toweling off the counter, and knocked on the polished wood.

“Hi,” the barkeep said without looking up. “What can I get you?”

What is it with these two not wanting to look at anyone!?

“I need information,” Buffy said. “We need to know what’s happening with a certain Willow Rosenberg, who you likely know as Dark Willow.”

“How likely is he to know her at all, let alone by her villain name?”

Maybe she sent her little introduction letters to everyone in Sunnydale.

The barkeep looked up. “No clue who you’re talking about.”

Welp, that was pointless.

“The scene, or the fic?”

It can be both.

“I have bribe money, and after that a nice little round of ass-kicking,” Buffy threatened. “So, do you know anything about what’s she’s up to right now?”

Bribe and threaten all you like, there’s no reason to suspect that just because he’s a demon barkeep he’d know anything about an organization who does everything within the boundary of the law.

“And by ‘everything,’ you mean ‘nothing.'”

It’s a hard language situation when everything they do is nothing, but they’re doing that nothing within the bounds of the law.  You can quite literally say, ‘They do nothing within the bounds of the law,’ and yet they still aren’t doing anything illegal.

“No,” he replied curtly.

“You sure about that?” Buffy asked.

“Don’t t- Don’t know nothin’ about that.” he stuttered.

*Facepalm*

Another one I can check off for Trope bingo!”

Buffy smiled deceptively. “So you do know! What’s she doing?”

Add ‘deceptive’ to the list.

“Done!”

“No clue,” the man lied.

Thanks, narrative, way better to tell the audience that the man is lying than to show it and let us come to our own conclusions.

“Bull.” Buffy pulled out her bribe money: a $100 bill. The barkeep made a grab for it, but she pulled it just out of reach. “What is she doing?”

“Don’t know,” he shook his head.

“He’s disavowing knowledge, yet still made a grab for the money?  I’m thinking he’s new at being a snitch.”

Either that or he was just going to steal the money and didn’t realize that Buffy is the Slayer.

“Maybe this’ll jog your memory,” Buffy said, and socked him in the face.  She grabbed him by the collar and pulled him right in front of her. “What’s she doing?”

Buffy also seems to be rusty on the ‘extracting information from a snitch,’ thing.

“Je-sus!” he exclaimed. “How the hell d’you do that?”

“You do know how to punch, don’t you?  You just curl your fingers together and throw.”

“I’m a Slayer,” she replied shortly. “Come on- What. Is. She. Doing.”

“I’m getting a little excited.  We might finally get to know what Willow is trying to accomplish!”

I wouldn’t be so sure.

“Ow… she’s mobilizin’ her guys for some big bank heist in the city- got some big deal going down today and she’s tryin’a get her end done.”

“Oh.”

Looks like the hacking plan fell through and she decided to just rob a bank in ‘the city’ after all.

“Which bank?” Buffy pressed.

“Dunno, I swear,” he replied, crossing his heart.

So they went to the demon bar and learned that Willow is going to rob bank in the city.  Good job, guys.

“Who’s your source? Would they say?” she asked.

“Guy called Mr. William Harris,” he sighed. “Blond guy- ’bout 6-foot or so, had on a brownish hoodie, jeans- said he was heading to L.A.”

Why the fuck is there always a hoodie!?

“I wonder if he’s any relation to Xander Harris.”

Possibly.  Otherwise it’s just Igor being unable to think of a unique last name.

“When was this?” Marlowe asked.

“‘Round an hour or two ago,” the barkeep estimated. “Don’t know anything beyond that.”

“I think Billy here is a leak from the PCC.  He shows up right before Buffy to give plot-critical information to the demon barkeep.”

Should probably let the PCC know so they can take action.  We might also get some free samples out of the deal.

“Okay.” Buffy let go of the man, slapping down the $100 bill, and promptly left, Marlowe at her heels.

Hold on a second.  Buffy is working in fast food while going to school.  Where the hell did she get a hundred bucks to just throw around like that!?

“Maybe Jimmy gave it to her.”

Fine.  Use logic.

7:30 A.M. Wednesday the 10th.

Doc was happy. The deadline loomed, a mere 4.5 hours remaining for whomever the Snow Queen now stood with to uphold their side. Bad Horse had informed the rest of the League last night that he had allowed this group to ask for one instance of help from the League itself, so he presumed that he would get to see Elsa again very soon.

Look, Bad Horse helping Willow was stupid the first time you brought it up.  Maybe you shouldn’t parade it around the fic anymore.

Perhaps he could dig a little deeper and find out exactly what had happened.

An explanation of something? In this fic?  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

In any case, he was happy. He would be able to do a quick blog today before getting to work on the Freeze Ray again.

“So much for putting the blog on hiatus.”

Give the author a break, that happened in an earlier chapter; nobody can remember things that long.

Perhaps he would feel better, and possibly better understand this whole mess if he said it aloud.

“So…” he muttered to himself as he fired up the computer, “what do you have for me today, Elsa?”

The camera turned on, and he pressed ‘Record’.

“Wait, is he blogging or skyping here?”

Probably blogging given the size of the soliloquy heading for us.

“The wha-”

“Day 2246 since City Hall…” he began. “…I don’t know exactly what to say. I’ve been having a rough time, and I’m having difficulty focusing on 3.0… As you all know, my position in the ELE has been compromised by forces beyond my control, and it is possible that I may be “transferred” as early as noon today, so I thought I would- make an exception… regarding emergency blog protocol to just- y’know- try to- talk my way through it out loud… Maybe that’ll help… I did a little research- into the group that wants to, um, include me in their ranks… It appears that…” He pulled out a print-out of an e-mail they sent him about twelve hours ago- “‘We want you because of your admirable determination and creativity in your field. There are few aspiring supervillains who can find the courage to face someone like Captain Hammer their first time around, and I doubt anyone ever made a Freeze Ray that wasn’t some sort of cryogenic-based device. I sincerely apologize that this transfer has only just been made known to you, but I feel your true potential can be achieved here. Please think about it. Sincerely, Ms. So-and-So Who-gives-a-Crap.’ I mean, seriously, who does that? Make it seem like you have a say when you’re really just a pawn? Have some class! Don’t try to sugarcoat. All it does is make it worse. Anyway… aside from that, they seem pretty legit- they don’t do too much stuff, mainly making deals with other people who do evil things- sort of a man-behind-the-man act. Apparently they funded the League so they could orchestrate the economic meltdown in ’08- not that they actually made it happen, they just- they made bankers go shady, sent Wall Street crashing. Basic corruption stuff, but also expensive. I hear that we had to pay them with a super-decked-out Tesla that had, like, some sort of self-driving AI when Tesla had just started shipping the year before- took us three years to pay them back. Crazy stuff… Bet Mr. Musk made a pretty penny off that… But, a-as shown, it worked, so I guess I can count them on the List of Evilest Evildoers, likely around #2 or so, given that they don’t seem to do very much hands-on stuff. Hmm… So, I feel like that’s about all I have for today’s blog. I’ll probably come back again next Friday or so, once everything’s- y’know, died down. So until then, this has been Doctor Horrible.” He flipped up the peace sign. “Peace!… But not- literally… Need to stop doing that.”

*CRUNCH*

*A double-respawn later*

“Well, that’s the largest one of those we’ve seen in a while.  Darkwraiths, would you be dears?”

“Day 2246 since City Hall…” he began. “…I don’t know exactly what to say.

Oh, great, it’s going to be one of those rambling vlogs that don’t really go anywhere interesting, isn’t it?

“Well, you’ve read the rest of the fic.”

*Taco heaves a sigh*

I’ve been having a rough time, and I’m having difficulty focusing on 3.0… As you all know, my position in the ELE has been compromised by forces beyond my control, and it is possible that I may be “transferred” as early as noon today, so I thought I would- make an exception… regarding emergency blog protocol to just- y’know- try to- talk my way through it out loud… Maybe that’ll help…

At least he’s addressing the fact that he wasn’t going to be blogging.  ‘Emergency blog protocol’ is stupid as hell, but he at least looked at the gorilla in the room.

“That punctuation is making my eyes sting.”

Don’t look directly at the fic.  Here, put this piece of paper up between you and the fic to protect your eyes.

“But, now I can’t see anything!”

You’re welcome.

I did a little research- into the group that wants to, um, include me in their ranks…

Must have been some research.  You still don’t even know who runs the organization.

“Maybe by ‘research’ he meant ‘got distracted by Youtube videos while chaining Wikipedia pages.'”

It appears that…” He pulled out a print-out of an e-mail they sent him about twelve hours ago- “‘We want you because of your admirable determination and creativity in your field. There are few aspiring supervillains who can find the courage to face someone like Captain Hammer their first time around, and I doubt anyone ever made a Freeze Ray that wasn’t some sort of cryogenic-based device.

Within the scope of Dr. Horrible’s universe, it’s hard to know if this is true or just ego stroking.

“Within the scope of the Buffy universe, it’s entirely ego stroking.  There were both other time-freezing devices AND more formidable heroes in Buffy.”

Buffy, for instance.

I sincerely apologize that this transfer has only just been made known to you, but I feel your true potential can be achieved here. Please think about it. Sincerely, Ms. So-and-So Who-gives-a-Crap.’

“Willow needs to come up with a better pen name.”

I mean, seriously, who does that? Make it seem like you have a say when you’re really just a pawn? Have some class! Don’t try to sugarcoat. All it does is make it worse.

Did you ever consider just not agreeing to the transfer and instead going freelance?  Freelance evil is definitely a thing.

“He has no choice in the matter!”

But he was freelance befo-

“NO. CHOICE!”

Anyway… aside from that, they seem pretty legit- they don’t do too much stuff, mainly making deals with other people who do evil things- sort of a man-behind-the-man act.

Wait, back that up a second.

they don’t do too much stuff

A bit bigger!

they don’t do too much stuff

BIGGER!  And with more feeling!

z583e496e43b41

Yes!

Apparently they funded the League so they could orchestrate the economic meltdown in ’08- not that they actually made it happen, they just- they made bankers go shady, sent Wall Street crashing.

“They paid money to make other people make more different people do bad things!”

And as we know, the economic downturn really helped Willow’s organization do lots of really important stuff.  Like hire more people to stare at walls.

Basic corruption stuff, but also expensive.

“Where did they get the money to do that, anyway?”

Why is corruption expensive?  Seems like it just sorta happens on its own as part of the business process.

I hear that we had to pay them with a super-decked-out Tesla that had, like, some sort of self-driving AI when Tesla had just started shipping the year before- took us three years to pay them back. Crazy stuff…

Now even Dr. Horrible is commenting on how illogical the plot is, and he’s from a universe where everything is pretty silly to begin with.

“So, Willow’s organization, which has the self-proclaimed goal of helping it’s members get ‘reparations,’ achieves it’s goal of revenge by providing evil financial backing for unrelated acts of villainy?”

Look, if it made sense, we wouldn’t be here.

Bet Mr. Musk made a pretty penny off that… But, a-as shown, it worked, so I guess I can count them on the List of Evilest Evildoers, likely around #2 or so, given that they don’t seem to do very much hands-on stuff.

Number two out of the two evil organizations in this smushed-together canon.

“You have to keep those goals reachable.”

Hmm… So, I feel like that’s about all I have for today’s blog.

Great, that big rambling wall of text and what did we learn?  We learned that Igor decided to just hand responsibility for a recent real-world event to Willow’s organization.  Basically that means Willow’s organization is actually the Stonecutters.

Congratulations, Igor, you’ve made your super special, secret, mega-evil organization even more laughable than it was.  And given how laughable they were before this chapter, that’s one hell of an accomplishment.

I’ll probably come back again next Friday or so, once everything’s- y’know, died down.

“Those emergency blogging protocols are more guidelines than anything else.”

So until then, this has been Doctor Horrible.” He flipped up the peace sign. “Peace!… But not- literally… Need to stop doing that.”

And he stopped recording.

The wall of text is over!  And so is the chapter!

“Hurray!”

Unfortunately, there’s an author’s note.

“Aww.”

Allow me to take this time to recommend another Frozen fanfiction to you: Trials of Elsa, by spashthebandragon.

One second, patrons.

*A flurry of internet activity later*

Both the fic and the author have changed names since this chapter posted.  But, you can find the fic here if you’re curious.

“It’s not very good.”

No, it’s not.  It’s also hellishly long.  It’s not the worst thing ever, but it’s definitely not what I’d call good.  Maybe it improves as it goes, but the first few chapters and a peek at the later ones shows indications of falling into a lot of the major fanfiction traps: Onomatopoeia, author asides, author tract, too much dialogue, butchered characterization, telling not showing, an OC, anachronisms, and sparse description.  Mechanically it actually isn’t too bad, but content wise it’s pretty standard fare for the middle area of the fanfiction spectrum.  Lots of uninteresting stuff and vagueness.

Still, it’s not nearly as bad as most of the stuff I’ve dealt with, so you’re unlikely to see it here.  And after Eighth Spirit and this fic, I’ll have had my fill of bland and uninteresting fics.

Fiction T, fear not. Closing in on 300,000 words and currently 67 chapters at the time of publishing this chapter.

As I said, hellishly long.

You will learn to love this human, and you will learn to hate this human. Hate this human with every fiber of your being, hate every cell comprising them, every inch they stand tall, every follicle of this human’s undoubtedly perfect hair. Hate this human for the masterpiece they created and dubbed Trials of Elsa. Hate.

“Somebody has a fanboy author crush.”

Can I settle on indifference?  I read three chapters of the “materpiece” and was about as gripped as when I watched napkin folding videos.

I’ve also created a TVTropes page for this story.

The winner is: Igor used his friend’s pseudonym to do all the updates to the TVTropes page.

“Bet winnings can be collected from the Darkwraith help desk on sublevel 18.”

Perhaps you might hop on over and help me add to the list of tropes there are.

Nope, I’d have to actually be invested.  My additions wouldn’t be very nice anyway.

Oddly enough, there is already a Heroes and Villains page on TVTropes that is partially based off of Buffy. I suggest you find this one through the Crossover Index.

“Not all that surprising.  If you Google Heroes and Villains you’ll find quite a few things bearing that name, both in published works and fan works.  It’s actually a relatively common title.”

In any event, with this, chapter ten comes to a close.  Thanks for hanging out with us again, patrons. See you next week for-

*reads down*

Oh for fuck’s sake.

 

 

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73 Comments on “1606: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Ten, Part Two”

  1. Angie says:

    Horrible pounded his fist on the table angrily.

    Horrible: I hate tables.

  2. GhostCat says:

    Second- didn’t she look… fuller… in the film? Well- not, like, fuller, but more full, y’know?

    If that’s supposed to be a tippy-toe reference to her breasts, then no. She wasn’t very chesty in the show.

    “Maybe it’s supposed to be a reference to her being emaciated?”

    It’s actually a quote from Frozen – Anna tries to tell Elsa that she looks beautiful but stumbles over the “full” part – so this is another one in the long line of film references.

  3. Angie says:

    “Girls are allowed to wear different clothes, Horrible. Startling as that may sound, some of us have rather varied wardrobes.”

    Actually, I might direct you to the live action Smurfs reboot. You saying that girls can wear more than one set of clothing is a misconception according to Katy Perry.

  4. Angie says:

    Anyway… aside from that, they seem pretty legit- they don’t do too much stuff, mainly making deals with other people who do evil things- sort of a man-behind-the-man act.

    This is Perry. He doesn’t do much.

  5. GhostCat says:

    Demon bars are not all that different from regular bars. Just swap out humans for various otherworldly creatures, add some more questionable drinks to the line-up, and the rest stays the same.

    Which, if the concept is so much the same, why did you bother wasting twenty words on telling us that a demon bar is a bar with demons in it?

    Demon bars are not all that different from regular bars. Just swap out humans for various otherworldly creatures, add some more questionable drinks to the line-up, and the rest stays the same.

    “And hopefully it’s somebody who has an unhealthy obsession with Mount Lassen.”

    I think the fic has the hiccups.

    • TacoMagic says:

      *Looks around shiftily*

      Seems fine to me.

      • GhostCat says:

        “Which bank?” Buffy pressed.

        “Dunno, I swear,” he replied, crossing his heart.

        So they went to the demon bar and learned that Willow is going to rob bank in the city. Good job, guys.

        “Guy called Mr. William Harris,” he sighed. “Blond guy- ’bout 6-foot or so, had on a brownish hoodie, jeans- said he was heading to L.A.”

        It also looks like something’s missing between those two quotes.

  6. Angie says:

    “Day 2246 since City Hall…” he began. “…I don’t know exactly what to say. I’ve been having a rough time, and I’m having difficulty focusing on 3.0… As you all know, my position in the ELE has been compromised by forces beyond my control, and it is possible that I may be “transferred” as early as

    Jesus Christ. This is longer than John’s speech in Atlas Shrugged. Get on with it.

  7. GhostCat says:

    Why the fuck is there always a hoodie!?

    “I wonder if he’s any relation to Xander Harris.”

    Possibly. Otherwise it’s just Igor being unable to think of a unique last name.

    If “William Harris” is Billy, AKA Dr. Horrible, Igor could just be using Neal Patrick Harris’ last name rather than coming up with an original one.

    • TacoMagic says:

      Ahh, yeah, that actually makes the most sense. One of those things where the answer was a little stupider than I expected so didn’t think of it.

      • GhostCat says:

        It’s the Occam’s Razor of character naming – the simplest (AKA laziest) solution is to use the actor’s name.

      • andiliteman says:

        Yup. I figured that’s what happened as soon as I read the name.

        Honestly, though, I’ve seen it done in ways that were pretty neat. But it’s usually pretty subtle, or mentioned in brief, one-off places that are easily missed.

  8. Angie says:

    You will learn to love this human, and you will learn to hate this human. Hate this human with every fiber of your being, hate every cell comprising them, every inch they stand tall, every follicle of this human’s undoubtedly perfect hair. Hate this human for the masterpiece they created and dubbed Trials of Elsa. Hate.

    I’m gonna throw up. This is too sickly sweet for me.

  9. andiliteman says:

    But, because following all that might have managed to be too interesting, we start out this week over with Dr. Horrible as he does things. Important things.

    And by important things you mean sit around and mope, right?

  10. andiliteman says:

    Second- didn’t she look… fuller… in the film? Well- not, like, fuller…

    But, if she is CG, she should be flipping skinny to begin with!

    Ugh. This CG Elsa thing is so dumb!

  11. andiliteman says:

    It only took a short moment for him to make the next leap: Elsa had said she was working with the people trying to get him- obviously baddies.

    Elsa lost weight… Therefore, the horse is out for my blood!

    Here, Billy. Have a knucklehead sandwich.

  12. andiliteman says:

    “So-” Buffy began as the latest recipient of a stake to the heart crumbled into dust, “how are we gonna figure this one out?”

    Credit where credit is due, I really like this sentence. It goes to show that Igor isn’t a bad writer, just the victim of poor planning, dumb ideas and pretentious filler.

    • BatJamags says:

      Eh. I wouldn’t say he’s not a bad writer. I’d say he could be a good writer if he stopped sucking. Planning, ideas, and pacing are all important parts of writing, maybe even more important than the technical bits.

      • andiliteman says:

        Eh. You’re right. But you have to admit, he has potential.

      • BatJamags says:

        Then again, my saying that the technical bits are less important is a bit of my bias since the technical parts are what I’m not as good at. I’m very meticulous about my grammar and spelling, but I’ve had to scrap a lot of projects because the writing was bland.

  13. andiliteman says:

    What part of killing ninety-percent of the demons you meet is ambiguous?

    The remaining ten percent. Duh.

  14. andiliteman says:

    “And hopefully it’s somebody who has an unhealthy obsession with Mount Lassen.”

    Reading this line led me to a sudden revelation that I really should have had months ago: Mount Lassen is a really lousy place for a secret lair. Why? Because it’s a freaking tourist attraction. I’ve been close enough to that mountain to see if anybody had build a magical ice palace into the side of it, and it’s quite likely that someone else would have, too.

    Willow would have been discovered almost immediately, and then evicted and had her evil ass sued to hell for digging out a secret lair in a national park.

  15. andiliteman says:

    “”Both the fic and the author have changed names since this chapter posted. But, you can find the fic here if you’re curious.

    “It’s not very good.”

    No, it’s not. It’s also hellishly long. It’s not the worst thing ever, but it’s definitely not what I’d call good. Maybe it improves as it goes, but the first few chapters and a peek at the later ones shows indications of falling into a lot of the major fanfiction traps: Onomatopoeia, author asides, author tract, too much dialogue, butchered characterization, telling not showing, an OC, anachronisms, and sparse description. Mechanically it actually isn’t too bad, but content wise it’s pretty standard fare for the middle area of the fanfiction spectrum. Lots of uninteresting stuff and vagueness.””

    So, it’s pretty much exactly like Heroes and Villains?

  16. BatJamags says:

    He made a logical leap to information that he’d been told outright. Namtab has got nothing on this guy

    At least this guy came up with something. Namtab just kind of stews.

  17. BatJamags says:

    The Tesla shot down Interstate-5 South to L.A., pushing 80 miles an hour.

    So is it just me, or is every Jan & Dean song the same song? It’s not a bad song, mind you, it’s just the same one.

  18. BatJamags says:

    Translation: ‘All the important stuff will happen off page. We’ll cut back in later after all that is done so we can talk about it.’

    Oh my god it’s like Arkham Asylum all over again.

    “Let’s do some really important stuff!”

    The_life_of_a_line_is_boring_as_shit.

    “Well, I’m glad all that important stuff is over. Let’s talk about all the things we just did!”

  19. BatJamags says:

    Bribe and threaten all you like, there’s no reason to suspect that just because he’s a demon barkeep he’d know anything about an organization who does everything within the boundary of the law.

    “And by ‘everything,’ you mean ‘nothing.’”

    It’s a hard language situation when everything they do is nothing, but they’re doing that nothing within the bounds of the law. You can quite literally say, ‘They do nothing within the bounds of the law,’ and yet they still aren’t doing anything illegal.

    Hmm… Maybe you could say that they engage purely in completely legal nothing?

  20. BatJamags says:

    “You do know how to punch, don’t you? You just curl your fingers together and throw.”

    I see what you did there.

  21. BatJamags says:

    “Day 2246 since City Hall…” he began. “…I don’t know exactly what to say. I’ve been having a rough time, and I’m having difficulty focusing on 3.0… As you all know, my position in the ELE has been compromised by forces beyond my control, and it is possible that I may be “transferred” as early as noon today, so I thought I would- make an exception… regarding emergency blog protocol to just- y’know- try to- talk my way through it out loud… Maybe that’ll help… I did a little research- into the group that wants to, um, include me in their ranks… It appears that…” He pulled out a print-out of an e-mail they sent him about twelve hours ago- “‘We want you because of your admirable determination and creativity in your field. There are few aspiring supervillains who can find the courage to face someone like Captain Hammer their first time around, and I doubt anyone ever made a Freeze Ray that wasn’t some sort of cryogenic-based device. I sincerely apologize that this transfer has only just been made known to you, but I feel your true potential can be achieved here. Please think about it. Sincerely, Ms. So-and-So Who-gives-a-Crap.’ I mean, seriously, who does that? Make it seem like you have a say when you’re really just a pawn? Have some class! Don’t try to sugarcoat. All it does is make it worse. Anyway… aside from that, they seem pretty legit- they don’t do too much stuff, mainly making deals with other people who do evil things- sort of a man-behind-the-man act. Apparently they funded the League so they could orchestrate the economic meltdown in ’08- not that they actually made it happen, they just- they made bankers go shady, sent Wall Street crashing. Basic corruption stuff, but also expensive. I hear that we had to pay them with a super-decked-out Tesla that had, like, some sort of self-driving AI when Tesla had just started shipping the year before- took us three years to pay them back. Crazy stuff… Bet Mr. Musk made a pretty penny off that… But, a-as shown, it worked, so I guess I can count them on the List of Evilest Evildoers, likely around #2 or so, given that they don’t seem to do very much hands-on stuff. Hmm… So, I feel like that’s about all I have for today’s blog. I’ll probably come back again next Friday or so, once everything’s- y’know, died down. So until then, this has been Doctor Horrible.” He flipped up the peace sign. “Peace!… But not- literally… Need to stop doing that.”

    We’re gonna build a wall of text, and make the enter key pa-

    ERROR: WEEKLY TRUMP JOKE QUOTA REACHED.

  22. BatJamags says:

    they don’t do too much stuff,

    HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS ORGANIZATION? WHAT ARE IT’S GOALS? HOW IS IT ABLE TO MAKE THESE BARGAINS WHEN THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING? WHY IS MY CAPSLOCK KEY STILL STUCK?

  23. BatJamags says:

    Maybe it improves as it goes, but the first few chapters and a peek at the later ones shows indications of falling into a lot of the major fanfiction traps: Onomatopoeia, author asides, author tract, too much dialogue, butchered characterization, telling not showing, an OC, anachronisms, and sparse description.

    *Grabs pitchfork and torch*

    It wouldn’t happen to have… blushing in it, would it?

    Because if it doesn’t, then I lit this torch for nothing, and that’s just wasteful.

  24. BatJamags says:

    You will learn to love this human, and you will learn to hate this human. Hate this human with every fiber of your being, hate every cell comprising them, every inch they stand tall, every follicle of this human’s undoubtedly perfect hair. Hate this human for the masterpiece they created and dubbed Trials of Elsa. Hate.

  25. agigabyte says:

    “You do know how to punch, don’t you? You just curl your fingers together and throw.”

    Well, while that is technically true, throwing a punch that’s half decent requires a bit more technique.


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