1605: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 1

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: Dear. GOD! Look at the fucking size of this chapter! Nearly 15k words.

Goeth: I’ll put the coffee on.

Nora: Double for me.

A New Friend
A few months later,

Ert: Stop. Just fucking stop with the time skips. You can’t do it, you just can’t fucking do it.

Nora: Feels like Frank Miller wrote this drek.

Link and I were at Lake Hylia with our son and fairies on a family picnic, when the most amazing thing happened.

Nora: The narrator suffered a fatal heart attack!

Nora: Forcing the story to end!

I have always remembered stories being told me by my parents about a noble race of creatures called Griffins. It was told to me that these wise and noble creatures live in the (12)Black Mountains just north of (13)Dragonmount, which was a day’s ride from Hyrule. I had never thought I would have ever met one of these noble creatures until now……..

Ert: The Black Mountains? The Black Mountains!? SO THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IN FUCKING NORTH CAROLINA!?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Mountains_(North_Carolina)

Goeth: No, sadly. If it was, we could’ve put a stop to it. Let’s see where this really takes place.

(12) The Black mountains are a large mountain chain made of black rock encrusted with precious minerals. This chain lies to the north of Hyrule where it is said the noble race called the Griffins live.
(13) Dragonmount is a dragon shaped rock formation near the Black Mountains. It is said the once the mighty dragons lived there at the base of the Black Mountains and their land stretched to where the base of Dragonmount now stands. Some say the dragons built the mighty rock to symbolize their land, some say it was unearthed after the dragons were forced to move to the poison land as a symbol of anger and revenge on the Griffins for taking their home.

Ert: So we move into captain obvious territory for the Black Mountains and the Dragonmount one is just stupid. They BUILT A ROCK!? THEY BUILT A FUCKING ROCK!

Nora: And what’s this crap about Giffins and dragons?  (And why is one capitalized when the other isn’t?) Neither of them are usually depicted as being sentient creatures in media, and usually they’re violent and unfriendly if they are.

Goeth: OC Race?

Ert:…OH GOD NO!

Link and I had just unrolled the blanket for us to sit on while Lilly, Navi and Aria were playing with our son, when Link’s ears twitched from a sudden noise. “Jenna……did you hear that?” Link asked his ears twitching. “Hear what my love?” I returned, giving him a sideways look. “I hear nothing.” His ears twitched again. “You don’t hear that noise honey?”

Ert: Link needs to ask if Jenna heard a noise after she flat out says that she doesn’t hear a noise. Link either needs to get his ears checked, or he took a conk on the noggin recently.

Goeth: There’s no reason it can’t be both.

Nora: And I hope they’re being gentle with the unoriginally named baby. He may be walking at this point, but he’s still fragile.

“It sounds like something is whimpering.” Link said again, his eyes scanning over the land on the other side of the lake. “I have no idea what you’re hearing love, I still hear nothing.” “I forget that you’re not part Elvin, you’re full human, that’s probably why you don’t hear it.”

Ert: *Smashes face onto desk* SURE! WHY NOT!

Nora: Elves apparently exist in the world of Legend of Zelda now. So, are all of the people in Hyrule elves or half elves? Because they all have pointed ears.

“Half human, half Elvin people have stronger hearing then full humans.” Link said quizzically, his eyes still scanning for the source of the faint noise.

Ert: Don’t fucking turn into Eragon on me. Elves > humans is something that needs to go die in a ditch.

Nora: Besides. Dwarves > elves. Just ask the fine folks that play Dwarf Fortress.

Goeth: Elves can all go die in that game. Except Cacame Awemedinade Monípalóthi. He’s cool.

“You never cease to amaze me Link , but you’re probably right.”

Ert: You have to start something in order to cease it.

“Do you have any idea where it’s coming from?” I returned, my eyes watching him. He shook his head in response. “Not a clue, there’s so many other noises mixed in with it that I cannot tell.”

Nora: Well your superior elf senses kind of suck then. If you can’t tell which general direction a sound is coming from, I’d like to know how you can make it out enough to tell what it is.

Ert: Elvish superior genes or some horsecrap.

Raising my head up, I sniffed the air, searching for a distinctive scent. I scanned the air, searched for something out of the ordinary, when a bitter scent of blood and sulfur hit my nose causing it to wrinkle in distaste. “Link…..I think I picked up something.” “I smell a mixture of sulfur and blood coming from somewhere across the lake.” I said as a worried look crossed Link’s lean face. “I think something is wounded over there.”

Ert: And Jenna can smell blood from a distance that Link, with his superior master race genes, can’t hear from. Because cat.

(Mary Sue Counter: 27)

“Sulfur and blood?” “The only place I know of where sulfur is, is in the Black Mountains to the north of Dragonmount.”

Nora: Well, I imagine you don’t exactly go around digging for sulfur, so that statement means very little. You’re not exactly a mineralogist.

“But what could be causing sulfur to mix with blood?” “And how would sulfur get this far south?”

Ert: I don’t know, I’m not the one writing this concentrated stupid.

Link’s gaze returned to the other side of the lake. “I think we should send the fairies to go check it out.” “I agree, they have better sight and smell then we do.”

Nora: Ok, so elves have superior hearing to humans, but fairies have superior smell and sight than elves.

Ert: I fucking hate this story so much. It takes a special kind of bad writer to focus on so much stupid crap, thinking that it adds anything to the story.

I think they will have better luck in finding out where the sounds and smell is coming from.” I returned, my body shaking slightly from an uneasy feeling. “Lilly, Navi, Aria come quickly, its of great importance.” Link called, his voice expressing urgency.

Nora: If it’s not…piss off or something.

Goeth: Tonight is movie night, and to be frank we don’t really want you around.

I watched as the three small hovering lights came floating over to us, their glowing aura’s flickering with wonderment. “What’s wrong Link, did something bad happen?” Navi asked. “We need you Lilly and Aria to check out something on the other side of the lake.”
“What is wrong over there?” “Did you hear wolfos or something?” Aria asked worried.

Ert: Who the heck is worried, and why is Aria talking to him/her instead of Link?

Nora: And why didn’t they just open up with “hey, we’re concerned that there may be something over there, we smell blood, can you go check it out?” I hate it when conversations get padded out because information is only getting released in bites.

“No it’s not that, but I heard something that sounds like whimpering and Jenna smells blood mixed with sulfur coming from the other side of the lake.” Link said his blue eyes filled with concern. “Sulfur…..what….oh by the goddesses the only place where sulfur comes from is in the Black Mountains?!”

Goeth: I feel like this has been established before. And since sulfur is usually found around area where there has been volcanic activity, I feel like they’re skipping over why the Black Mountains are called the Black Mountains.

Lilly returned her face twisting with shock. “How in the hell would sulfur have gotten this far south?” Aria questioned her blue aura, dimming slightly. “That’s what we want to find out.” Link returned. “I understand.” “We will leave now.” Navi said as she Lilly and Aria started to make their way across the lake. “Please be careful!” I yelled just before they got halfway across.

Ert: So. Jenna only told the fairies to be careful when they were halfway across the lake. A lake that, I assume, is rather large, unless we’re going by its size in the game. In that case, I feel like they could’ve easily SEEN what was happening on the other side.

Link and I watched as they reached the other side and their glowing auras disappeared inside the thick foliage lining the bank. We sat and anxiously waited for their return. Minutes passed into what seemed like an eternity as they still did not return. Link and I started to grow worried, the minutes turning into long amounts of time.

Nora: See, this is why you need to be careful when you’re writing your prose. It seems fine and dandy to throw out things that sound profound, but you need to look at it in context and see how it fits. This passage is a perfect example of that. Jenna talks about how minutes stretched into something that felt like eternity. Melodramatic? A bit, but it does an…ok job of conveying that a short period of time felt like a long one. The problem is that right after, she talks about how minutes were turning into “long amounts of time.”

Ert: Not only is it repetitive, it cheapens the drama and tension of the moment. Mainly because a long period of time is significantly less than eternity. So when you’re picking your words, THINK!

Then just as we agreed to go after them, I saw a small light emerge from the bank of trees just a short way from where they entered.

Ert: That was pointless.

I grabbed the sleeve of Link’s green tunic and showed him the small light hovering over the bank. We started to worry as we only saw one light. Getting more worried with each passing minute, Link was getting ready to jump into the lake and swim across when two more small lights emerged from the trees and joined the one waiting by the bank.

Ert: And that was also pointless. Ok, second lesson of the day. Drama has to be more than having a potential problem, and then having that problem be solved three seconds later. Not that that applies to this story, as I’m hesitant to even call these events problems. Two of the fairies were behind the first one? How is that a problem? And why would they do that?

Goeth: In a proper story, actions of characters form the plot. Them doing what they would logically do in situations is what creates a story. In a bad story, characters are bent and twisted to serve a plot.

Breathing a sigh of relief, we watched as the three small fairies made their way back across and joined us on the other side. With a look of distress, all three fairies turned a shade of bright yellow. “Link you and Jenna must hurry!” Navi cried, as she spun in a circle. “You will not believe this, but there’s a wounded Griffin over there hiding among the trees.”

Nora: The chapter that starts by informing us that Griffins exist introduces a griffin three seconds in. Yeah, yet another piece of advice for writing a story. Actually world build and don’t throw things in by the seat of your pants.

Ert: And if you introduce something in the same scene where you establish its existence, have someone be shocked by it. At the very least.

Link and I exchanged shocked glances. “A Griffin!?” We said in unison. “What in the hell would a Griffin be doing this far south?” I asked puzzled. “I thought that they only lived in the Black Mountains.” “I never heard of one venturing too far away from the Black Mountains unless they had a passenger with a request to go some where.” “And it’s not even that, the Griffins don’t just trust anyone.” Link added, his puzzled look making his blue eyes look dull.

Ert: And the Black Mountains are the only place where sulfur can be found! Quick, we need to constantly establish basic information that everyone already knows because we have absolutely nothing else to talk about!

Goeth: So apparently this griffin has been bathing is sulfur on a regular basis, if he smells of it that is.

“Whatever may be its reason, we must hurry, the creature is wounded badly, and it needs our immediate attention.” Aria added with urgency in her voice. “Well then we must make haste.” “Aria, please stay here with Link Jr.” “Lilly, Navi, please show us the way.” I said as I made my way down to the bank and into the water.

Nora: So they’re leaving a baby alone with just a fairy. Considering that these fairies have done something between jack and fucking shit in this story, I’m not feeling particularly confident in her ability to watch over the kid.

I listened as Link joined me and we both swam with great hast to the other side. Rising out of the water and onto the bank, I stood up and rung out my saturated dress as Link made his way up and beside me.

Ert: You know, I feel like Jenna wringing out her saturated dress is a losing battle. Considering that, you know, it’s probably a freaking big dress that would’ve absorbed a lot of water. And as Ghostie has said multiple times in the pasts, peasant clothing from the middle ages, and it’s safe to say Jenna based her character’s clothes on that, absorbed so much water that people who wore it and fell into water would commonly drown.

Goeth: Cotton can hold quite a bit of water, as it turns out.

Then Lilly and Navi joined us, their aura’s flickering with worry.

Nora: Because that’s how it works.

“This way follow us!” Navi yelled as her and Lilly disappeared into the thickness of the trees. Following, we entered the thicket and made our way into a small clearing, where we saw a sight we never thought we’d see. There lying on the ground was a Hugh white Griffin with black tips on its wings and light yellow bird like claws on its front legs.

Nora: Hugh the Griffin, nice to meet you.

Ert: I want to print out this story just so I can set it on fire.

Goeth: Why do these things always find clearings in stories? Forests don’t just open up so that you can lie down because you’re bleeding. There aren’t plants that move away at the sight of blood. (That I know of)

Beautiful intricate jewelry hung from its tufted ears and from its neck indicating it must be of high rank. My mouth just hung open as I watched its crystal blue eye staring us over.

Ert: Oh great, more jewel eyes.

Goeth: And it has jewelry in addition to the jewel eyes. Because apparently claws allow for precise handling of tools.

Slowly it lifted its head and its sharp beak opened. “Who are you?” The Griffin asked in a raspy voice. I exchanged glances with Link before he moved forward. “I just might ask you the same, but the names Link and this is my wife Jenna.” “And those two fairies over there are Lilly and Navi.”

Nora: What makes you think that the Griffin cares at all about your fairies?

Ert: I don’t think anyone gives a shit about the fairies. Not even the author.

Link said with a hint of caution. We watched as the Griffin’s crystal blue eye continued to stare at us, its gaze full of caution and questioning. “The names Dalamar.”

Nora: No, it’s Hugh.

Goeth: Sorry Hugh, this name came up first.

The creature returned, its beak pointed directly at us. I watched as the Griffin struggled to get onto its feet, but without any success and crashed back to the ground. “You shouldn’t try to move, you’re still too wounded.” I advised him. “Were here to help.” I walked over to him and looked at the Hugh gashes on his legs and wings. Reaching into the pouch I had attached to my waist, I pulled out a healing ointment and started applying it to his wounds.

Ert: Is there any reason that Jenna is using a vaguely named healing ointment when Red Potion is a well established healing sustenance in the world of Legend of Zelda?

Goeth: Probably the same reason they didn’t use a fairy.

Ert: No reason at all?

Goeth: He’s learning!

“Now this is going to sting a little.” I said as I applied the ointment. “Why are you helping me?” Dalamar questioned, his eyes watching me. Without an answer to his question, I continued to apply the ointment to his wounds, then dressed them. After I applied the final dressing, I looked into his cautious eyes.

Nora: At least they don’t do the thing we so commonly see in bad fanfiction, where the main character needs to provide a really convoluted reason for why he or she had basic empathy. Remember in Vegas Isn’t Magic when Boone had to be reminded of his dead wife to care about a rape victim?

Ert: Trying not to.

“There, all done.” “Do you think you can walk?” I asked. “What are we going to do with him?” “They don’t just trust anyone.” Link inquired, his eyes filled with worry.

Ert: But he will trust you because of course he will-NEXT!

“We just cannot just leave him here.” “I think that it’s wise if we try to help him get back to the Black Mountains.” I said as I walked over to Link and looked into his eyes. “I’m not the type of person to just leave something that’s wounded behind.”

Nora: We’re gonna have to take your word on that. Because aside from being a sex addict who thinks that she should’ve been born a tiger, we don’t really know what kind of person you are.

Goeth: She could’ve eaten the Griffin and it would’ve been as much in character. Speaking of which, my spice rack needs to be refilled.

“I’ve always been a compassionate person.” Link’s eyes twinkled as he stared down into mine, his expression softening. “That’s just one of the reasons why I married you my love.” “I agree with you, we should help him.” “But first I think that we will have to gain his trust, or he might not allow us to help him.” Link returned. Nodding in agreement, I walked back over to Dalamar.

Ert: Ok, saying that you’re not the type of person who would leave someone behind is one thing. It comes off as a statement of fact. Calling yourself compassionate is just masturbatory.

Nora: And you have Link for that Jenna.

“Again, do you think you can get up?” I questioned the Griffin. “His crystal eyes stared into mine for a moment, then he spoke. “I just may be able to, but as I asked before, why are you helping me?” Dalamar questioned me again. My expression softened and a small compassionate smile crossed my face. “Because we are friends,

Nora: You just had to make me eat my words, didn’t you story? You couldn’t just have Jenna want to help someone out of the pure goodness of her heard. No. She had to want to be friends with the person. Which may sound like a minor thing, but I’m sick of no one just saying, “Because you needed help.”

Ert: It’s ironic. In trying to make someone seem more kind than average, you make them seem less kind than average.

and I cannot just leave you here in the state that your in.”

Nora:…Nah, still annoyed.

Dalamar just stared at me with a cautious and puzzled look, his tufted ears twitching with concern. “Perhaps you may be here to help me, but as anyone should know that the trust of a Griffin is not so easily gained.”

Ert: Stop fucking around with that nonsense that isn’t going to go anywhere and just trust them already!

Goeth: It’s not a question of if, but rather a question of will it be days or merely hours before he changes his mind? I’ll give you 1:1.5 odds on hours and 1:10 on days.

Ert: Hours

Nora: Days.

Dalamar returned as he slowly rose to his feet. Smiling I looked directly into his eyes once more. “Don’t worry my friend, that should not be such a hard task for us to do.”

Goeth: I get the feeling Jenna would try to argue that it smells like roses when she passes gas.

Turning my back I walked back beside Link and we gestured for Lilly and Navi to help guide Dalamar out of the thicket and back to Lake Hylia.

Ert: And the fairies help the Griffin, who I assume is around four-hundred pounds at the very least, out of the thicket…how exactly?

Nora: And don’t say magic, that’s a cop out.

Goeth: Lazy writing.

We slowly made our way across the water and joined Aria with our son on the other side. Immediately Aria jumped up and flew over to me. “Oh by the Goddesses, I see that you managed to get the creature here.”

Nora: Wait a minute, if walking around the water didn’t take that long why did they swim in the first place?

Goeth: Maybe Link wanted Jenna to drown.

Ert: You have a sick head.

Lilly inquired as she floated in a circle in front to me. Nodding I looked into her small eyes. “Yep, but we must get him back to the Castle.” “How did little Link do while we were away?” I watched as Aria’s aura grew brighter. “Just fine, he’s over by the horses playing in the flowers.” Aria returned as she flew over to him.

Nora: I left him unattended, because that’s how parenting works.

Looking back over to Link, my smile faded. “We must hurry to the Castle love.” “We must inform Princess Zelda of Dalamar.”

Nora: Yes, he wants to go back to the Black Mountains, so we’ll take him towards the castle because that’s where the Black Mountains are.

Walking over to our horses, I called for our fairies to help guide Dalamar, while I secured Link Jr. into the saddle. Then Link and I mounted our horses and headed towards the Castle.
We had to take it easy since Dalamar could not move very fast due to his injuries, but after some time and a lot of determination we made it to the Castle Gates.

Goeth: If he’s able to keep up with horses, even if they are moving at a slow and relaxed speed, I doubt his injuries are that serious.

Ert: Not that the story will ever admit that.

We made our way across the wooden bridge and into the bustling market. As we crossed the Market, I heard the shocked gasps and uttered whispers of the Hylian people as the caught sight of the magnificent Griffin that followed behind us. “Look it’s a Griffin. ” “By the goddesses a Griffin has showed up in Hyrule.” “What is one doing this far south?” Were just some of the uttered words said by the shocked people of Hyrule.

Nora: And they’re just bringing a rarely seen creature in without any announcement beforehand, because it would’ve made sense to ensure that nobody freaked out beforehand.

Goeth: Maybe they actually want to start a riot.

We made our way threw the Market and down the path that led to Hyrule Castle. When we stopped at the first gate, Palin another guard I was also friends with stood still like petrified rock as the pure shock of the Griffin sent him nearly ghost white. “Oh by the Goddesses…it’s a Griffin!” He cried, his eyes wide as saucers. “Where in (14)Gaia did he come from?”

Ert: Oh good fuck, what’s Gaia?

(14) Gaia is the planet Hyrule rests on.

Ert:…Fuck off. Over twenty chapters in and you only just now decided to name the fucking planet that your story takes place on? You only just now decide to even use the terminology of planet in this story? Just…fuck you.

“I thought the Griffins only lived in the Black Mountains?”

Goeth: So we’ve heard.

“We must see the Princess, and fast.” Link added his words ushering urgency. “At…at once my Lord.” Palin stammered as he opened the gate and allowed us to pass.
By the time we reached the second gate, word had already spread about Dalamar’s presence in Hyrule. There at the gates to Hyrule Castle was Princess Zelda and Impa awaiting our arrival. Her deep blue eyes turned a shade of gray when she set them upon the massive white Griffin.

Nora: Uh, Zelda? I don’t think that your eyes are supposed to do that.

Goeth: Possibly a shape shifter in disguise. If they get too emotional their disguises can slip for a second.

Ert:…This story makes so much more sense now.

“By the Goddesses, in all my days I never thought I’d ever see one of the magnificent noble Griffins.” “You honor us with your presence, oh noble Griffin.” Zelda said as she bowed to Dalamar.

Ert: That alone makes me hope that this story ends with Hugh being shot in the head with a crossbow.

Nora: Seriously, if you want to present a Griffin as a noble animal or warrior or something, go ahead. But considering that these things are apparently isolationists and cold to the outside world, I don’t think Zelda would be scrambling to cuddle up to one. But she is. Because we’re essentially dealing with an OC race here.

He looked at her, his gaze softening upon the look of Zelda’s rosy face. He lowered his head, his crystal blue eyes staring down into hers. “Princess Zelda I presume?” Dalamar said, his nostrils flaring. With a look of shock, Zelda gasped at Dalamar’s knowledge of her name. “Yes Princess I know all about you.” “The story of Gannondorf taking over Hyrule has spread to many lands, including to the Black Mountains.”

Goeth: The only reason Zelda could be shocked at Hugh knowing this would be the Griffins are totally cut off from the world. If they aren’t, why does she think that? If they are, how did they learn this?

Ert: Griffins are proud and slow to trust first, and make sense second.

“Then my hunch was right, the one in the green who accompanied us here, is Link the “Hero of Time.” I watched as Link gasped his eyes growing big. “I know all about your great feats Link “Hero of Time.”

Nora: Which is impressive, considering that only Navi was with him for most of them and I seriously doubt Link gave an in depth recounting to anyone. Particularly since even Jenna didn’t know about Dark Link.

Goeth: Now I’m starting to wonder if the Griffins have been spying on Hyrule.

We all just stood there unable to move. The sudden knowledge that Dalamar possessed had us all frozen in time. I could not believe of all the knowledge the snowy white Griffin possessed.

Ert:…WHY!? Is this information supposed to be top secret or something? Or are you all just stupid? I mean I know you’re stupid, but I want to know if that’s the cause of the problem here.

But it was often said that those noble creatures never left anything unseen.

Nora: It being said often does not make it mean anything significant or remotely true.

Ert: It also doesn’t make it clever or coherent.

“Please excuse my sudden burst of words without a proper introduction.” “My name is Dalamar, High Lord of the Griffin Council.”

Ert: Because of course he is.

Goeth: It’s never a farmer or a blacksmith, is it?

The Griffin returned, bowing his head down in front of Zelda. Coming out of her state of shock, her gaze returned to the High Lord’s face. “Well then.” “Welcome, Dalamar, Lord of the Griffin Council.” Zelda said manor fully. “Well my Lord shall we reside to the Palace Garden?” Zelda asked. With a smile Dalamar bowed his head in response.

Nora: Wait, what did he just agree to? Did he say he would take lunch in the garden or did he agree to live there?

Ert: Don’t ask me, all the spelling and grammar mistakes in this story make me want to cry.

Goeth *Offers tissue*

After we resided to the Garden, Zelda ordered the servants to bring refreshments and change Dalamar’s dressings.

Goeth: If his wound is still bleeding so much that his bandages have to be changed already, he is in no condition to be moving around, particularly as

Then the one question that was on everyone’s mind was finally spoken. “So tell me my Lord, how did you come to Hyrule?” “If I understand correctly, Griffins usually don’t venture to far away from the Black Mountains.”

Ert: FOR THE FUCKING FIFTH TIME I MIGHT ADD! I’M JUST MAKING SURE THAT NO ONE MISSED THAT INCREDIBLY SUBTLE CHARACTERISTIC ABOUT THE GRIFFINS!

Nora: You know what? Why? Why don’t they? Are they a paranoid people? Did they have bad experiences with the outside world? I need more to this than just a random characteristic that LQ picked out of a hat.

Zelda questioned as she took a sip of her herbal tea. “You have understood correctly, Princess, but I came to Hyrule under unfortunate circumstances.” Dalamar returned as he picked up his cup in his claws and raised it to his beaked mouth.

Goeth: Ha. No. Just no. Holding a cup in a claw and drinking out of it with a beak. No. Just no.

Nora: How does I anatomy?

Taking a sip, he sat the cup back down and his crystal eyes faltered. “You see m’ lady I came her not by choice, we Griffins are hardened on how far from the Black Mountains we can venture.”

Ert:…You’re what now?

Nora: I think he just said he has a boner.

“Even as peaceful a race we Griffins are, we still have many enemies.” “And once such enemy of the Griffins are the (15)Draconians.”

Ert: Yeah, peaceful, bullshit. I seem to recall you taking the dragon’s land from them. Exactly how peaceful can you be if you conquer someone else’s home and drive them into a poison wasteland. And Draconians. What, the name of the dragons?

(15) Draconians are a band of Dark Knights that fly on the backs of dragons. These Knights led under Lord Ariakas have tamed the once peaceful dragons and turned them evil, forcing them to do his bidding. Now this once peaceful race has been poisoned and turned dark, forced to lead a life as killers. Most dragons cannot be trusted and the only dragons that remain free are the Bronze and Silver colored dragons. All Blue, Red and Black dragons are now evil; polluted by Ariakas and have become carriers for Dark Knights.

Ert:…Why is this story trying so hard to be Eragon? Eragon I mean, Eragon DID come out around the point this story was written but…you know.

Nora: Uh, unless I’m wrong, this happened to the dragons AFTER the Griffins drove them out of their homeland. Jesus, I feel really bad for the dragons now.

Goeth: Blue, Red and Black dragons? This feels like D&D as described by someone who spent five minutes skimming the 4th edition core rulebook. And spend just as much time trying to work it into the story.

Dalamar said nonchalantly, his crystal blue eyes staring down into his cup. “We have been at war with the Draconians for centuries.”

Ert: And neither side has won yet? What the hell is taking so long? Are dragons in this story that underwhelming?

Nora: There’s also the problem that apparently no one else has heard of this century long war.

“These evil people have captured and tamed the wild dragons from the poison lands, training these gigantic lizards into doing their bidding.” “These dragons were once an isolated, quite species,

Nora: And then we invaded their territory and kicked them out, but I’m glazing over that for obvious reasons. LQ decided that I’m supposed to be a hero for reasons I can only fathom.

Goeth: Also he calls these knights evil, because that childish take on morality is always popular amongst the simple minded.

until they came, the dark nights under the follow of the (16)Dark Lord Ariakas of the Shadow Realm.” “They rampaged and conquered the poison lands, capturing the dragons and training them under the rule of Darkness.” “Now these evil knights under Ariakas evil rule, are hell bent on total annihilation of all who oppose them.”

Nora: The Dark Lord of Eviltown did bad thing while hurting people in corruption and blighted the faces of others with his vileness and witchcraft. In other words, evil person is evil because I say so and can’t be arsed to make him less flat.

Ert: Another fucking annotation? There’s been a lot more of these ever since LQ suddenly decided that she was Christopher Paolini.

(16) Lord Ariakas of the Shadow Realm is an evil being that was once a wizard that served under the King of Kalence during the time of the Great War. After he was discovered that he was planning to poison the King in order to gain control over the Kingdom, he was forsaken to the evil Shadow Realm. It was during his time there that Ariakas harnessed the power of the Shadow Realm, practicing in the ways of black magic. Once he harnessed the powers of the Shadow Realm, he vowed revenge on those who put him away as well as all who aided Kalence during the war. With promises of eternal life and untold riches, Ariakas managed to rally together a band of followers to follow him in the ways of the Shadow Realm, turning them into Dark Knights. Now with his power over the Dragons, and with new people walking in the ways of the shadow, Ariakas is now a feared and dangerous man with a hell bent desire on expanding his reach over the now peaceful lands, thrusting for total domination over them.

Ert:….UGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I swear, the fucking annotations need annotations more than the actual fucking story.  Kalence?  The fuck is that?  And what IS the Shadow Realm?  Whatever, evil guy is evil, go figure.

Dalamar looked solemnly around the garden, haunting memories filling into his mind. His wings folded in distress as he continued. “Their first place of conquest was our home on the Black Mountains.” “When we opposed them, that thrust our people into long centuries of war against the Lord of the Shadow Realm.”

Ert: Wow. The revisionist history in here is absolutely fucking astounding. “Our home.” You know, the one that they took from the now enslaved dragons.

Goeth: It’d be interesting if it wasn’t so utterly unironic.

“Now we, once a peaceful people,

Nora: Didja get that? We’re peaceful. We’re peaceful because I said it twice now. That means we’re twice as peaceful. That’s how it works.

are fighting everyday of our lives in a desperate attempt to keep from falling under Lord Ariakas dark control.” Dalamar’s gaze shifted skyward, his claws gripping into the ground beneath him. “One day word came in from our air patrol that a group of Draconians on dragonback were camping near Dragonmount.”

Ert: Please, try to fit the word dragon into that sentence more. It doesn’t feel quite forced enough.

Nora: How has this society not collapsed from centuries of attrition? They’re not exactly a galaxy spanning empire, they’re a single clan that lives in the mountains.

Goeth: Cloning?

“After the council made a decision that I would be the one to check out the inquiry, I made hast and left on the moment of the wing.”

Ert: Is that suppose to mean something? Because it looks like gibberish.

“Upon my arrival at Dragonmount, I was ambushed by a Draconian on a red dragon.”

Nora: So is that dragon racial profiling? Or is it a dragon that thinks it’s superior to other dragons?

http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Red_dragon

“After a long fight in the air, I was struck and wounded by the dragon’s powerful claws and acid breath.” “In my attempt to escape, I was perused by the dragon until I lost them in Death Canyon just west of here.”

Ert: Death Canyon is nothing like Death Mountain because it’s a cannon and not a mountain. See, it’s totally different.

Goeth: And a dragon got its claws on him and he wasn’t torn in half. No.

Nora: A dragon that spits acid? Why couldn’t that be in a better story?

“Then I continued to fly south until I was unable to go any further and I crashed down in a thicket of trees by the lake you must call Lake Hylia.” “I must have been there for two or three days before your hero Link and his wife found me.” Dalamar’s head slouched, his beak touching the feathers on his neck.

Goeth: He’d be dead by then, considering is wounds were bleeding the whole time.

Nora: Don’t say anything, if you do we’ll just get a BS explanation for how he willed his blood to stay in his body.

“I fear that Lord Ariakas is planning to invade the Black Mountains and seize control over my people.”

Ert: You fear? You fear? You fear that the guy who’s been attacking you for centuries MIGHT WANT TO INVADE YOUR HOMELAND!? I mean you’re sure about that right? You’re super extra sure?

” That is why I must return to the Black Mountains as soon as I’m able to fly.” Dalamar said, his tufted ears flattening against his head. Zelda’s deep blue eyes stared into Dalamar’s faltered eyes. “Don’t worry m’ Lord, I will send Link along with you on you’re journey back to the Black Mountains.”

Nora: Yes, just send Link and only Link. Forget all about the massive army that Link commands and would be useful in fighting an order of dragon riders.

Ert: And we’re gonna have to stop here, because this chapter is just that fucking big. And there’s a lot more stupid ahead. Buckle up.

Advertisements

83 Comments on “1605: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 1”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Link and I were at Lake Hylia with our son and fairies on a family picnic, when the most amazing thing happened.

    Nora: The narrator suffered a fatal heart attack!

    Oh, don’t I wish.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    I have always remembered stories being told me by my parents about a noble race of creatures called Griffins.

    There’s a noble race composed entirely of clones of my AP Gov teacher?

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: And what’s this crap about Giffins and dragons? (And why is one capitalized when the other isn’t?) Neither of them are usually depicted as being sentient creatures in media, and usually they’re violent and unfriendly if they are.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    “But what could be causing sulfur to mix with blood?” “And how would sulfur get this far south?”

    I dunno, maybe it has something to do with the alchemist who has set up a laboratory right nearby!

  5. andiliteman says:

    Nora: And what’s this crap about Giffins and dragons? (And why is one capitalized when the other isn’t?) Neither of them are usually depicted as being sentient creatures in media, and usually they’re violent and unfriendly if they are.

    Meh. I think I’ve seen enough friendly sentient dragons to justify LQ’s including them in her story.
    Dragon Nest, Dragon Heart, Narnia, Wakfu, Skylanders, Eragon and the How to Train Your Dragon books readily come to mind.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Dragonmount is a dragon shaped rock formation near the Black Mountains. It is said the once the mighty dragons lived there at the base of the Black Mountains and their land stretched to where the base of Dragonmount now stands. Some say the dragons built the mighty rock to symbolize their land, some say it was unearthed after the dragons were forced to move to the poison land as a symbol of anger and revenge on the Griffins for taking their home.

    Isn’t this basically just Death Mountain?

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: The chapter that starts by informing us that Griffins exist introduces a griffin three seconds in. Yeah, yet another piece of advice for writing a story. Actually world build and don’t throw things in by the seat of your pants.

    Ert: And if you introduce something in the same scene where you establish its existence, have someone be shocked by it. At the very least.

    This could have been done so much easier just by transposing the order of events- have an injured Griffin show up, then have Kid We Don’t Care About ask his parents what it is and they’d be able to give the exact same story only it would be logical and not a contrived coincidence.

    It’s scenes like this that convince me LQ did no outlining whatsoever in writing this turdnugget.

    • andiliteman says:

      Yeah. Because dreams don’t have outlines. Things happen just as they pop into your head, which generally means it’s pretty freaking stupid, even if it does turn out to be a pleasant dream.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    a Hugh white Griffin

    There’s a car dealership that used to run radio ads near me called Hugh White Honda.

  9. GhostCat says:

    Ert: The Black Mountains? The Black Mountains!? SO THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IN FUCKING NORTH CAROLINA!?

    DAMMIT! Now I have to move.

    Why is it that the one time North Carolina gets a shout-out, it’s this fic?

    • andiliteman says:

      Well, to be perfectly honest, I don’t think the Library has really great material to choose from. I’m pretty pissed off that Heroes and Villains takes place in Lassen.

      • GhostCat says:

        If the author was looking for ominous place names, they should have looked a little further to the northeast; at the border between North Carolina and Virginia there’s the epically named Great Dismal Swamp.

      • BatJamags says:

        Except that’s actually a bad name. It’s clearly intended to make you not want to live there, and yet somehow I want to live there.

        “So where are you from?”

        “I hail from the Great Dismal Swamp, far to the southeast.”

        • GhostCat says:

          YOu can’t actually live there since it’s a million acre wildlife refuge, but you can go camping if you want to. Just watch out for alligators.

    • parrish122 says:

      Maybe U-haul will give us a discount if we explain why we want to move? If we have them read this story, they really should understand.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    There aren’t plants that move away at the sight of blood. (That I know of)

    I can think of a couple that move towards the sight of blood, but you’d probably not want those around you just on general principle.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Why are you helping me?” Dalamar questioned, his eyes watching me.

    Oh, good, and here I thought it was his feathers that were watching them.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    Goeth: I get the feeling Jenna would try to argue that it smells like roses when she passes gas.

    Knowing the Sue races in the ‘fic, it probably does. And it’s an aphrodisiac.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    Goeth: Maybe Link wanted Jenna to drown.

    Ert: You have a sick head.

    What, it’s not like he’d be the only one.

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    Lilly inquired as she floated in a circle in front to me. Nodding I looked into her small eyes.

    What eyes?

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    When we stopped at the first gate, Palin another guard I was also friends with stood still like petrified rock

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    Oh by the Goddesses…it’s a Griffin!” He cried, his eyes wide as saucers. “Where in (14)Gaia did he come from?”
    “I thought the Griffins only lived in the Black Mountains?”

    Gosh, well, then maybe he came from the Black Mountains!!

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    in all my days I never thought I’d ever see one of the magnificent noble Griffins.”

    “I see disappointing, sleazy Griffins all the time, though.”

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    Goeth *Offers tissue*

    Eww, yuck, put that back in the medical waste bin where you found it!

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    (16) Lord Ariakas of the Shadow Realm is an evil being that was once a wizard that served under the King of Kalence during the time of the Great War. After he was discovered that he was planning to poison the King in order to gain control over the Kingdom, he was forsaken to the evil Shadow Realm. It was during his time there that Ariakas harnessed the power of the Shadow Realm, practicing in the ways of black magic. Once he harnessed the powers of the Shadow Realm, he vowed revenge on those who put him away as well as all who aided Kalence during the war. With promises of eternal life and untold riches, Ariakas managed to rally together a band of followers to follow him in the ways of the Shadow Realm, turning them into Dark Knights. Now with his power over the Dragons, and with new people walking in the ways of the shadow, Ariakas is now a feared and dangerous man with a hell bent desire on expanding his reach over the now peaceful lands, thrusting for total domination over them.

    And this is a different character from Ganondorf… how, exactly?

  20. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Upon my arrival at Dragonmount, I was ambushed by a Draconian on a red dragon.”

    “After a long fight in the air, I was struck and wounded by the dragon’s powerful claws and acid breath.”

    No no, silly, it’s black dragons that have acid breath! Read your monster manual!

    • BatJamags says:

      And copper dragons, but they’re metallic, which means they’re good.

      Except in Dragonlance, I’m pretty sure.

      For some reason.

  21. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: Don’t say anything, if you do we’ll just get a BS explanation for how he willed his blood to stay in his body.

    Which, admittedly, would be a pretty cool ability in a better-written fantasy work.

  22. andiliteman says:

    Goeth: Elves can all go die in that game. Except Cacame Awemedinade Monípalóthi. He’s cool.

    All hail the Elven King of the Dwarves!

  23. AdmiralSakai says:

    My God, all of these chapters have been dumb, but nothing could have prepared me for the sheer, mind-rotting stupidity of My Inner Life attempting to do actual fantasy. This is just sad.

  24. andiliteman says:

    “No it’s not that, but I heard something that sounds like whimpering and Jenna smells blood mixed with sulfur coming from the other side of the lake.” Link said his blue eyes filled with concern.

    Navi: Screw you! We’re not wasting our time flying to the other side of the FRIGGIN LAKE just to check on a smell. It’ll take forever and the humidity’s a bitch. Not to mention the Black Mountains are on the other side of that lake (As far as I can make out form the narrative), which explains the sulfur, so some idiot probably fell into a pit or something. I think you’re just looking for some alone time to screw. You’re kid’s here, for God’s sake, can’t you wait?

    • andiliteman says:

      Oh. Apparently, the Black Mountains aren’t on the other side of the lake…
      Whatever, it’s still a dumb question.

      • andiliteman says:

        “How in the hell would sulfur have gotten this far south?”
        “What in the hell would a Griffin be doing this far south?” I asked puzzled. “I thought that they only lived in the Black Mountains.”

        Actually, maybe the lake really is across from the black mountains and Link and Jenna just got turned around. I wouldn’t put it past them.

  25. andiliteman says:

    “Whatever may be its reason, we must hurry, the creature is wounded badly, and it needs our immediate attention.” Aria added with urgency in her voice. “Well then we must make haste.”

    Exactly how big does LQ think your typical lake is? Because I’ve never been to one that you can just CROSS like it’s the friggin’ road, or one where you can see a three-inch creature like a fairy at all.
    She probably thinks that the lake is about a hundred feet across.

    She probably thinks that a hundred feet is a big lake.

    I hope LQ has lived in a densely populated city her entire life. Otherwise, I’m going to flip.

  26. andiliteman says:

    “Beautiful intricate jewelry hung from its tufted ears and from its neck indicating it must be of high rank.”

    Or maybe he hoarded them from slaughtered noblemen because he likes shiny things.

  27. andiliteman says:

    “But first I think that we will have to gain his trust, or he might not allow us to help him.”

    Well, he already let you put that healing goop on him and bandage him up, so I think you’re set.

  28. andiliteman says:

    “Again, do you think you can get up?” I questioned the Griffin. “His crystal eyes stared into mine for a moment, then he spoke. “I just may be able to, but as I asked before, why are you helping me?” Dalamar questioned me again. My expression softened and a small compassionate smile crossed my face. “Because we are friends,

    Wow. Quoteception. I would make a joke about who’s talking to themselves, but I don’t even know at this point.

  29. andiliteman says:

    We slowly made our way across the water and joined Aria with our son on the other side. Immediately Aria jumped up and flew over to me.

    Aria: Thank God you’re back, ’cause the kid had a blowout and I have no clue what to do about it! I’m like three friggin inches tall! There’s more poop on that kid’s butt than there is me! And then he just wandered off. I don’t know where he went because he threw me in the dirt when I tried to stop him. Why did you think I would be a good babysitter for that little monster!?

  30. andiliteman says:

    We made our way threw the Market and down the path that led to Hyrule Castle.

    INCOMING!!!!
    *Ducks under desk as market comes crashing down*

  31. andiliteman says:

    “We must see the Princess, and fast.” Link added his words ushering urgency.

    Also, why is it so important that the royals be informed about this Griffin? He wandered off from home, got hurt, and he wants help getting back home. There’s no reason to go through all of this, not to mention it’s likely extremely uncomfortable for Hugh.

  32. andiliteman says:

    By the time we reached the second gate, word had already spread about Dalamar’s presence in Hyrule.

    So, Hyrule is about half the size of Unicornicopia.

  33. andiliteman says:

    Exactly how peaceful can you be if you conquer someone else’s home and drive them into a poison wasteland.

    Especially if those people are dragons. I mean, seriously, that’s brutality nobody would want to mess with.

  34. BatJamags says:

    Nora: And what’s this crap about Giffins and dragons? (And why is one capitalized when the other isn’t?) Neither of them are usually depicted as being sentient creatures in media, and usually they’re violent and unfriendly if they are.

    Actually, there’s quite a lot of precedent for dragons being intelligent. Even ignoring Eastern dragons (which aren’t actually dragons and there’s really no reason to translate the concept that way), European dragons were originally a source of knowledge, though their own intelligence varied (basically, you could become really smart by eating a dragon’s heart like in Sigurd/Siegfreid’s legend, but some dragons were smarter than others)

    As early as Tolkein, Smaug was driven by instinct, but he could speak and understand complex concepts. The Grand Compendium of Fantasy Cliches (Also known as Dungeons and Dragons) also treats them as intelligent.

    • erttheking says:

      Well, most people who rip off Tolken tend to be shallow about it. I’m mainly talking about modern media, which happens to go for dragons as being one dimensional animals that like shiny things. Are there exceptions? Yes, but they’re not really the norm.

  35. BatJamags says:

    “Sulfur and blood?” “The only place I know of where sulfur is, is in the Black Mountains to the north of Dragonmount.”

    Don’t do that Sherlock Holmes bullshit now. You’re not smart or well-informed enough.

  36. BatJamags says:

    “No it’s not that, but I heard something that sounds like whimpering and Jenna smells blood mixed with sulfur coming from the other side of the lake.” Link said his blue eyes filled with concern. “Sulfur…..what….oh by the goddesses the only place where sulfur comes from is in the Black Mountains?!”

    Someone put the fic on repeat again. *Kick*

  37. BatJamags says:

    Then just as we agreed to go after them, I saw a small light emerge from the bank of trees just a short way from where they entered.

    Congratulations, fic. You just tried to turn nothing going wrong into a tense moment.

  38. BatJamags says:

    There lying on the ground was a Hugh white Griffin with black tips on its wings and light yellow bird like claws on its front legs.

    Believe me, we’re gonna have the biggest Griffin. It’s gonna be ‘UGH.

  39. BatJamags says:

    We watched as the Griffin’s crystal blue eye continued to stare at us, its gaze full of caution and questioning.

    So, does this thing only have one eye or what?

  40. BatJamags says:

    Hugh gashes on his legs and wings.

    So… Self-inflicted, then?

  41. BatJamags says:

    “The names Dalamar.”

    That’s ripped off from Dragonlance, by the way. As is another name that’ll come up some time during this chapter.

  42. Delta XIII says:

    Nora: Feels like Frank Miller wrote this drek.

    At this point, I would welcome an appearance by Crazy Steve. At least then, something may actually happen.

  43. Delta XIII says:

    Goeth: It’s not a question of if, but rather a question of will it be days or merely hours before he changes his mind? I’ll give you 1:1.5 odds on hours and 1:10 on days.

    Ert: Hours

    Nora: Days.

    What are the odds on “less than an hour”?

  44. Delta XIII says:

    Goeth: Maybe Link wanted Jenna to drown.

    Ert: You have a sick head.

    And that’s somehow not normal around here?

  45. BatJamags says:

    “You see m’ lady I came her not by choice, we Griffins are hardened

    OK, so I knew this fic was basically porn, but this is going in a completely unexpected direction.

  46. TacoMagic says:

    Nora: Besides. Dwarves > elves. Just ask the fine folks that play Dwarf Fortress.

    Fucking cannibalistic, tree-humping, squirrel-fondling bastards!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s