1598: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter Three

Author: DarkDoomFireMaster
Media:  Video Game
Topic: Sonic the Hedgehog
Genre: Drama/Romance
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Lyle and Koori

*Lyle walks into her office with a coffee in hand.  She sits at her chair, takes a sip of her coffee, and stares blankly at the screen*

Koori:  *walks in after her holding a mug of tea and takes her own seat.  She sips at her tea*


Koori:  Uhm.  Miss Lyle?  Are you planning on riffing at all today?

Huh?  Oh.  Yeah.  I guess so.  *yawns*  Sorry.  Just really tired.  A lot going on.  What are we doing now?

Koori:  …Riffing that weird high school fic about that hedgehog with questionable hygiene.

Oh, right.  Yes.  Okay, let’s do it.  *starts typing*

Koori:  Are you sure you’re okay to do this today?

Of course.  Why do you ask?

Koori: Because you haven’t turned on the computer yet.

I’m really tired.

Koori:  Go lie down in the blanket fort.  I can manage today on my own.

You sure?  *looks longingly at the fort*

Koori:  One second patrons; we will start once I get Miss Lyle tucked in.


*Koori plops into Lyle’s chair as a soft snore drifts out of the fort* Okay, let’s recap really quickly since we’re way behind schedule.  Sonic has itchy testicles, he took Tails to the prom, the prom ended up being a haunted house on an island, the haunted house on the island turned out to be a trap by Eggman.  Tails has been captured and Sonic is afraid of wallpaper.  I think that about covers it.  Let’s go!

Chapter 3: The Two Most Important People

Lyle and myself, naturally.



Sonic ran the fastest right to Dr. EggMan right through his traps and jumped at the floating platform that Eggman was standing on.

As Lyle predicted, Sonic got out of his predicament by running really fast.  No surprise there.

“I’m coming for you!” said Sonic


and he jumped up up right to the platform and got so close but fell because it was just too high to reach even for Sonic. Sonic said “Damn” and ran up the staircase that was in the middle of the big room that were under Eggman. Sonic ran to the top and at the top he jumped again from a higher spot and this time reached the platform because it was easier to get to it. “Now you are mine!” shouted Sonic right to Eggman in his ear.

So Eggman is on a floating platform inside a big room?  That doesn’t seem to make much sense from a structural standpoint.  What’s the purpose of the platform floating if you’re confined to a single room?

“I am not going to fall this easily,” said Eggman who then grabbed a crystal remote control out of his pocket and pressed a button on it that made a dome of lasers around Eggman.  “Get out of here!” yelled Eggman. “I am Eggman and I will have my way with the treasures of this island!” said Eggman.

They came to the island because they thought this was where Prom was being held.  They thought Prom was on the island because Eggman somehow was able to fool Sonic and Tails into believing it through the cunning use of plot.  If he hadn’t tricked them into coming to the island, they wouldn’t be there and he wouldn’t have any competition for Suddenly!Treasure.  Is anyone else seeing the issue I have with this?

Eggman flew up higher on his platform

And smashed into the ceiling, turning himself into a pancake.

and Sonic had already fell from the lasers that were on the floating platform so Sonic didn’t get to go too.

Aww, Sonic did not get to be turned into a pancake.  How sad.

Eggman disappeared into a purple and black portal at the top of the sealing and Sonic was left at the bottom of the room on the middle of the stairs.

There are stairs in the middle of this room?  What the heck kind of house is this?


“Amy still has to be here somewhere and I need to get Tails out of that locked cage,” said Sonic thinking about what he should do next.

Hold on just a second.  *goes back through the last chapter*  Eggman says he kissed Amy had had plants to get intimate with her, but he never actually said that Amy was on the island.  This is a rather big assumption on Sonic’s part.

Sonic ran up the stairs really fast and down the hallway at the top of the stairs on the second floor. Sonic picked a door and ran into the door. The room Sonic ran into had a big picture of an old man on it and he looked just so old that it was like seeing a skeleton right there. Sonic said “This man probably died ages ago and left all his money from being in Reala State to his sons who build this place.”

Why is Sonic suddenly starting to sound like Garfield from Garfield effect?!

Sonic thought this was not the right room to be in so he left it and went into the next room.

Thrill as Sonic searches for his friends room by boring room.

This was the right room to be in Sonic knew immediately.

The door had a sign that read “Eggman’s Sekrit Room: No Sonics Aloud!””

There was a big red bed and Amy was tied with rope around her feet and hands and there was another rope around her head with a lock in her mouth so she couldn’t open it or say anything at all. Sonic ran right to the bed without doing anything before doing that and untied Amy with his Sonic Speed.

I didn’t realize the concept of moving very quickly could untie knots.  I’ll have to experiment with flicker jutsu.

“I am so glad you are here,” said Amy. “This prom is not turning out like I hoped it would when I bought this dress.”

Here’s a hint: You’re not at prom!  You were kidnapped!

Amy was wearing a pretty red dress that was like what she normally wears but longer and there were two flowers on the two shoulders. Amy’s dress also made her boobs look bigger Sonic noticed.

How does a dress make one’s boobs look bigger?  The built-in support bras in those things never work properly.  She’d need a pushup bra for that sort of thing.

Sonic thought for just a moment that this was the perfect moment to get her to give sex to him but he did not do it beause Tails still needed help.

Oh, yes.  You’re in a creepy ass house with a mad scientist running around, and your first thought is “Let’s sex!”  Perfectly logical.

“Where is the key to open Tails’s cage,” said Sonic to Amy. “We need to open Tail’s cage. He can’t get out the cage.”

But you just ran Amy’s ropes and lock off.  Why can’t you just run the cage open, too?  Does it not work if you’re not planning on having sex with the occupant?

“I saw Eggman putting a key in a safe behind the picture in the room you were just in,” said Amy. “So let’s go get it!” Amy and Sonic ran to the next room and Sonic got there first, he is the faster one in the relationship.

Lina:  Men usually are, cupcake.

Koori:  What are you doing here?

Lina: Hello to you, too, sunshine.  *puts a cardboard drink carrier on the desk. It’s full of coffee cups.  She hands one to Koori*  Lyle asked me to stop by with drinks when the morning rush was over.  Where is she?

*a loud snore erupts from the fort*

Lina:  Ah.  Well, while I’m here… *plops into Koori’s empty chair*

Koori:  *takes a sip of the coffee*  Did Bubbles make this?

Lina:  Is there an issue with it?  He’s normally spot on.

Koori:  No, but I can taste nutmeg.  I have to request that from everyone but him; Bubbles puts it in automatically anymore.

Lina:  Best barista I’ve ever had.  Now, let’s get on with this thing, eh?

Sonic punched his big strong hand right through the painting like a body builder and found the safe behind the painting.

Lina:  Breaking his hand in the process.  Safes are hard.  I have superhuman strength from being turned and I wouldn’t punch a safe.

“This safe needs a password,” said Sonic. “What could it be?” Sonic thought long and hard about everything he knew about Eggman. Sonic knew Eggman was a gay asshole who always ruined Sonic’s plans to be the hero and now he ruined Sonic’s prom. Sonic tapped on his brain and thought harder.

Lina:  Would you like to hit it?

Koori:  *smacks the buzzer*

Troll be a Bigot: 4

“Maybe the password is his name” said Amy. It was not and Sonic knew it before Sonic put it in to the safe lock. “I love her for her body” thought Sonic. Sonic thought harder and had an idea.

*both women sit silently for a moment, sipping their coffee*

Lina:  So.  Can you make a buzzer with your ninja magic?

Koori;  It isn’t magic.  And no, I can’t.

Lina:  Is there a marker in the desk?

Koori:  *hands Lina a Sharpie*

*Lina scribbles on the buzzer then smacks it*

Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 5

Lina:  Close enough!

“What if the password is “SAOHC SDLAREME.”” Finally shouted Sonic at Amy next to him.

Lina:  Did Sonic just have a stroke?

Amy who was there said “What does that mean?” Amy, Sonic’s Girlfriend was confused.

Koori:  I think we all are.  If my boyfriend started yelling incoherent words at me, I’d be confused, too.

Lina:  You have a boyfriend?

Koori:  Don’t look so shocked.

Lina:  I’m not shocked; you’ve just not mentioned him before.  *leans forward with her elbow on the edge of the desk*  So, what’s his naaaaaame?

Koori:  None of your business.

Lina:  His name is Bob, isn’t it?

Koori:  Bob?  I don’t know anyone named Bob.  Is he an intern?

Lina:  *snort-giggles*

Koori:  No, seriously, who is Bob?  If there’s rumors I’m dating him I’ll need to squash them so my boyfriend back home doesn’t think they’re true.

Lina: *giggles intensify*

Koori:  Stop laughing!

Lina:  You’re just so precious sometimes.

Koori:  What?!

*Lyle stumbles from the tent, snags a coffee, and chugs it*

Bob stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend.  She’s saying you’re dating a dildo.  Now let’s stop wasting everyone’s time and finish this.

Koori: *punches Lina in the arm*  Jerk.

“It is Chaos Emeralds backwards, what he really wants but messed up so we would not guess it,” screamed Sonic so happy. Sonic typed the password into the safe and would you know it, it popped open and there was this big key, so Sonic took it. Sonic ran down the stairs and then Amy did and Sonic opened Tails cage and Tails got out.

I really should buy some stock in PCC passwords.

“I am so glad to be safe one again. Thanks to you Sonic, the day is saved.” Tails was smiling bigger than a crocodile having a silly dream but Sonic was not. “What is wrong, Sonic, everything is right now,” said Sonic.

“No it isn’t,” said Sonic so mad and sad,

Sonic is having a conversation with himself in the middle of the haunted house.  I’d be very concerned about demonic possession.

Koori:  Do I need to call the Admiral and Nina?

“Eggman got away without a real punishment for what he did.” Sonic shook his face at the sky thinking about how Eggman slipped away like a slippery balloon that Sonic let go of.

“But we are all safe,” Amy said, “That is what really matters.”

While important that you’re all safe, he still escaped, which means he’ll be back to cause more trouble.  Sonic is right to be concerned.

Sonic figured right then that Amy’s super power must be being nice because like he knew before it wasn’t being smart which Tails was best and Sonic is also good at it too.

Of course the female character isn’t as smart as the males ones.  *starts to reach for the spare parts box*

Lina:  Way ahead of you.  *bops the button*

Troll be a Misogynistic Bigot: 6

Oh.  Okay, that works.

Sonic did not even think about how his day at school was bad anymore because his balls did not really even itch anymore. Sonic laughed Tails laughed Amy laughed and they went home ready for the next day of high school.

Koori:  So did they all decide not to find the real prom and just call it a night?

Lina: Prom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Koori:  Did you have a bad prom?

Lina:  Let’s just say that heels are not the most optimal footwear when you suddenly have to chase down a den of wolves last minute.

Well, at least Sonic’s testicular itch seems to have cleared up.  With that, I’m going back to bed.  *crawls into the fort and tugs the flaps closed*

Koori:  We will see you all next time!

Lina:  Cheers!


30 Comments on “1598: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter Three”

  1. Angie says:

    And so they make their wonderful return!

    Koori: Because you haven’t turned on the computer yet.

    I’m really tired.

    Koori: Go lie down in the blanket fort. I can manage today on my own.

    Poor things.

  2. GhostCat says:

    “It is Chaos Emeralds backwards,

    No, “SAOHC SDLAREME” is “Emeralds Chaos” backwards; Chaos Emeralds backwards would be “SDLAREME SOAHC”. But what I want to know is how either version could be pronounced in any intelligible way.

  3. GhostCat says:

    Sonic thought for just a moment that this was the perfect moment to get her to give sex to him but he did not do it beause Tails still needed help.

    Why is sex suddenly a physical commodity, like she’s just going to reach into her purse and hand him a baggie of sex?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Amy still has to be here somewhere

    Umm, why? We’ve already seen that Eggman has the ability to create portals to parts unknown…

  5. BatJamags says:

    Reala State

    Hmm… let me check something.

    … Vermont, Virginia, Reala, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota…

    And people told me there were only fifty states.

  6. BatJamags says:

    Pop quiz: Which of the following makes more sense?

    “It is Chaos Emeralds backwards, what he really wants but messed up so we would not guess it,” screamed Sonic so happy.

    Batman: Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder.
    Gordon: You mean, where there’s a fish, there could be a Penguin.
    Robin: But wait! It happened at sea! See? “C” for Catwoman!
    Batman: Yet — that exploding shark was pulling my leg!
    Gordon: The Joker!
    O’Hara: It all adds up to a sinister riddle… Riddle-er. Riddler?

    (And yes, the second one is a real quote from the movie based on the ’60s Batman show)

  7. Koori: Do I need to call the Admiral and Nina?

    I’m relevant!

  8. Lune says:

    This fic is the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it?

  9. andiliteman says:

    …Said Eggman who then grabbed a crystal remote control out of his pocket and pressed a button on it that made a dome of lasers around Eggman.

    Uh… What’s the point of the laser grid if Sonic’s already on the platform?

  10. Swenia says:

    “I am Eggman and I will have my way with the treasures of this island!” said Eggman.

    *Eyebrow waggle*

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