1596: Love of a Spartan – Chapter Twelve, Part Two

Title: Love of a Spartan
Author:  AshleyBudrick
Media: Video Game
Topic: HALO
Genre:  Sci-Fi/Romance
URL:  Saved to this Archive
Critiqued by Admiral Sakai, Gul, and the Arbiter

Hello hello, everyone, and welcome back to Chapter Twelve of Love of a Spartan!

Last time Renee and the Chief dawdled around having a lack of sex in his quarters when they should have been gearing up to try to defend Lacerta Colony, sleeping in until ELEVEN FUCKING FORTY-FIVE ship’s time before the bridge thought to page anyone. Then ‘Kolsamee the Useless Elite twirled his nonexistant moustache, and, well, we ranted a lot. So let’s get right back to it.

Terrible Troy Counter: 54

Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 44

Halight Counter: 18

John strode onto the bridge, with his usual expression on his face,

Whatever that even is any more…

although he allowed a little emotion of apology to show through, because as much as he enjoyed his lengthened sleep with Renee, he was also ashamed for letting himself sleep in that long.

Again, seriously, who sleeps for twelve hours at a stretch when they’re not suffering from complete exhaustion or something?

Keira was the first to greet him, as usual.

“Hello-o-o there, sleeping beauty!” Keira cat-called amusingly from over on her holographic panel,

Hmmm…

“Hello-o-o there, sleeping beauty!” Keira cat-called annoyingly from over on her holographic panel,

Much better.”

and she received a generous eyebrow raise from John as he walked up in front of the Captain and Dr. Halsey and gave them a crisp salute.

“Sir, Ma’am,” he said with a polite nod. He still hadn’t woken up completely; it was like the lengthy rest was bogging him down.

Well, it’s certainly bogging the story down…”

He felt really drowsy, but wasn’t about to let that feeling portray itself into his emotions.

Whatever the fuck that means…

Was ‘he tried not to show it’ really that difficult to type?”

“Good morning,”

Actually, by this time it is probably literally afternoon.

Thomsen looked amused from Keira’s comment. However he then looked to Dr. Halsey, who didn’t look the least bit humored, and he put on his poker face and folded his hands on his lap.

Well, I guess I know who wears the pants on this starship…

John looked to the Doctor, who didn’t speak for a moment; she adjusted her glasses on her nose,

As opposed to the glasses on her forearms?”

So, essentially, Halsey gives the Chief a half-hearted grilling on his newfound sleeping habits, and lets him off the hook with a very mild “don’t do that again”. Then it turns into an awkward conversation about the whole Private Kilburn thing:

“Was Renee involved with your sleeping in?” she asked in a whisper, looking up at him sternly.

“Yes, ma’am.” John sighed, flexing his fingers nervously.

“Did you sleep with her?” Dr. Halsey asked lowly.

“Yes, ma ‘am.”

Oh, bother, I think the ‘fic is skipping again…”

Dr. Halsey looked shocked for a moment, but then she said even lower.

“I mean did you sleep with her?” Dr. Halsey put emphasis on the word “sleep”, and John understood fully now, she was referring politely to… well what John had been expecting.

Oh, for fuck’s sake!

She’s asking about sex– you know, bunk-sharing? Rubbing bulges? Lateral maneuvers? Practicing hand-to-hand?”

It shouldn’t be that difficult of a concept to grasp! Especially for hardened soldiers.

And now,  you answer your own question- these fools are neither hardened, nor soldiers.”

Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 45

“No, ma ’am.”

She closed her eyes and let out a sigh of relief, and folded her arms on her chest casually, and looked back up to him.

John cleared his throat.

“Is there anything wrong with it?”

In this ‘fic?! I can only imagine!

“No, of course not,” Dr. Halsey said softly, “Spartan II’ s are completely able to reproduce. It’s just that I never thought any of my Spartans would have the opportunity, let alone the want to.”

Ok, as weird as it sounds there’s actually canonical evidence backing this up. All of the technical data we see in-universe regarding Spartan augmentations lists the primary reproductive side effect as severely diminished sex drive, not sterility, and in Ghosts of Onyx Dr. Halsey seems to think she can use SPARTAN-IIIs (plus some unknown amount of medical technology) to repopulate the human race should the War go south.

Everything else here is still wrong, though…”

John tried to speak, but he couldn’t find the right words.

That has not stopped this tale before.”

“If ever you want to, there’s a risk, John,” Dr. Halsey continued, her voice growing stern,

Wait, if it’s so risky, how is there nothing wrong with it?”

*ALARM BLARES SILENTLY*

Oh, bother.”

* Gul is headshotted in the chest by a Department of Contradictions Agency Nonlethal Kill Squad*”

Arby, would you mind… you know, getting rid of the body? Residue Processing is on Level Four.

Your comrade has just fallen! Surely some measure of ceremony is-”

Oh, he’ll be back.

“The previous Spartans, many of them had children with each other, with other Spartans.

There isn’t a lot of canonical information on that subject one way or the other, but considering that the SPARTAN-I program had only a few hundred members pulled from the entire UNSC military, and that they are described as having “scattered” when the program shut down, I very much doubt that those who did pair off did so with each other. Also, their kids are established as having had to undergo additional (although pretty minor) medical treatment throughout childhood in order to avoid unspecified issues relating to their parents’ genetic augmentations, so it’s not like they were perfectly fine.

You’re in love with a normal human girl with no genetic augmentations. Genetics, as you certainly know, play a huge role in reproduction.

Huh. So not only did Captain Obvious work for the UNSC, but he seems to have have gotten involved in the SPARTAN program, too!

I have no idea what would come of your genes being mixed with hers. I’d have to try experiments, research, because with an unknown outcome- the results could be either a marvel to science or a deformation.

Hmm, well, it’s for all sorts of contrived reasons, but I’m glad that even at sixteen AshleyBudrick had a better grasp of basic science than ActuallyFenHarel. I would not want to have to have to deal with half-Sangheili Sue-spawn or anything like that.

What?”

Forget I said anything.

Until I have gotten a chance to conduct some research, if both of you wish to have intercourse,” she paused momentarily, and saw John’s face remain unchanged, like stone,

Halight Counter: 19

“I would recommend using contraception. ”

“Ma’am,” John could only sputter that one word and salute like an idiot.

… and I’m back.”

… !”

What’d I miss?”

A bunch of semiscience, and the realization that there’s a couple of different ‘fics in the Library that we’d be better off not showing the Arbiter.

“Now, everyone is way ahead, go get suited up and report to the Docking Bay, they’ll be awaiting your arrival,” Dr. Halsey explained, seeming as eager to move on from the previous conversation as John did.

“Right away, ma’am,” John gave her a little smile, and then he turned and left the bridge quickly.

…”

Wait, they had nothing else they needed to discuss? Let’s put aside for the moment the fact that, once again, the crew of the UNSC Hercules are charging into a pitched firefight against the Covenant with no battle plan of any kind, and just step through events. John overslept and missed his call to report to the bridge, where he was required to meet and discuss… the consequences of his oversleeping and missing his call to the bridge! So how did Halsey know to call him up there in the first place?”

*A miniature Logic Bomb appears directly on Gul’s lap.*

Oh, not agai-

***

Wow, turians have a lot of blood in them.

Ick.

Regardless, the Demon leaves, pondering Halsey’s words and giggling like a half-wit Grunt.”

Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 46

Then we observe Kilburn in the docking bay.”

Renee jogged into the Docking bay,

Which is capitalized for Some reason…

dressed in her battle attire, with her helmet tucked beneath her arm. She had tried her best to be as quick as possible, but she knew it wouldn’t make much of a difference. Quickly, she noted Troy and a couple of other Lieutenants were taking charge, barking at Marines, giving orders and really, doing not much more than that.

Aye, that is generally what field Lieutenants do…”

Terrible Troy Counter: 55

As she made her way down the stairs to the wide gaping area where all the Warthogs were parked, and the ammo and weapons were being dealt out, she tried to make it into the crowd of marines without being spotted by one of the Lieutenants.

With her luck, however, Troy saw her as soon as she began to descend down the stairs. He whistled at her, like she was some kind of dog, and waved her over.

Good for him!

Terrible Troy Counter: 56

Renee let out a sigh and trudged over to him, throwing her arm up in a sarcastic salute.

“Where in the hell were you. Private?” Troy demanded immediately, narrowing his eyes.

“I slept in,” she answered truthfully.

“This isn’t a damn bed and breakfast, for Christ’s sake, you were noted yesterday that we would be entering the Lacertae System and you should have been up at 6:30 sharp at the latest!” Troy started, not making any personal references to her, for he was under the watch of a couple of Senior Lieutenants,

Terrible Troy Counter: 57

“Do you have any idea what time it is? Almost noon, dammit! This is unacceptable behavior. Private. Drop and give me twenty. One handed. Right now.”

Hell…

Terrible Troy Counter: Fucking…

YES!”

… What was all that about?”

Only the second-best fucking Troy Fisher beatdown in the ‘fic so far!

And with proper consequences!”

Shame you missed it…

… Drat.”

Renee looked at him, her eyes wide. Troy damn well knew she wasn’t good at one-handed push-ups,

If she’s not good at using her arms to lift things, maybe she should consider a job that doesn’t require holding a rifle.”

Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 47

and she realized that this was his punishment to her, not just for being late, but for being with John.

why-not-both

Oh, it made wonderful sense now.

Terrible Troy Counter: Yes. She’s been a terrible excuse for a soldier, and now she has to face up to the consequences of her actions. 58!

“Lieutenant, sir,” she started to protest lowly, “If this is about-”

“Don’t object. Private! I gave you an order!” Troy shouted, “Don’t make me push it up to fifty!

“Actually, can we just make her do one push-up for each mark on any of the counters?”

On my count, go.”

Renee sighed, and looked to her right, and saw a lot of the marines watching her. She picked out Amy’s sympathetic face in the crowd, before she dropped to the floor, folded one hand behind her back, and began doing pushups.

*The entirety of RIFFCON bursts into furious applause.*

“One… two… three…”

Troy’s annoying voice made the push-ups worse.

No, that’s the narrator‘s annoying voice, and it’s making the entire story worse.”

Terrible Troy Counter: 59

On her fifth one, Renee felt her muscles burning, and her arm began to shake under her weight.

Ok, now, never having done a push-up since high school I really have no idea how much actual energy they take, but I’d sort of expect a professional soldier to be able to do more than five without getting tired out. This is just sad.

“Six… seven… eight…”

Did someone light her arm on fire?

No, but someone definitely should…”

Preferably along with the rest of her.

“Twelve… thirteen… fourteen… “

And, we’re past her mental age!”

Renee was almost certain that she was going to collapse. Oh, she thought as he continued to count and she continued her torture, Troy was definitely the most miserable bastard in the UNSC.

HE PUNISHED ME FOR MY HIDEOUSLY UNPROFESSIONAL BEHAVIOR THAT IS PROBABLY COSTING LIVES- HE’S WORSE THAN TEH COVENANT!!! *BAWLS*

“Admiral, if you do that voice again I will gut you where you stand.”

Terrible Troy Counter: 60

Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 48

He was watching her, she didn’t have to look up to know that he had a little smile of satisfaction on his face, he was getting his revenge. That revengeful, miserable, son of a…

Hmm. The spell checker is claiming that “revengeful” is indeed an actual English word!”

Why is it that the most common way for my vocabulary to grow is by reading bad fanfiction? First My Immortal taught me “lave” and “efface”, and now this…

“Lieutenant Fisher,” a familiar stern voice interrupted Troy’s counting. Renee let herself drop to the floor, and saw a pair of green titanium boots right by her face. She smiled, and craned her neck to look at John’s face, which was now hidden behind his orange visor .

“Yes, Spartan?” she heard Troy snap back irritably.

“I think you are being a little hard, she’s done enough. Get up Private Kilburn.”

Aaaaand John gets her out of her justly-deserved punishment because he wants to bang her. Wonderful.

Actually, how is he getting her out of her justly-deserved punishment? As the story itself acknowledges, Troy outranks him!”

Renee gleefully got to her feet, clutching her arm, which was still burning fiercely. Although she couldn’t meet John’s eyes, she flashed him a grateful smile. However, when she turned to look at Troy, she saw that he had a miserable look on his face.

Well, it’s no wonder- John-117, who already threatened to violently dismember him and got away with it, is now actively and unlawfully countermanding his orders.”

Terrible Troy Counter: 61

“You’re late too. Master Chief,” Troy said mockingly, “What should I make you do? Bench-press a couple of warthogs?”

Just to start with.

I feel I should mention that the punishment for fraternization in the Sangheili Army is castration by energy blade.”

Wait, don’t Sangheili have internal testicles?

Exactly.”

“Wouldn’t be a problem,” John answered, “But, considering we’re going into battle, it wouldn’t be a very professional thing to do. You, of all people should realize that. Instead of burdening Kilburn here with one handed push-ups, you should have allowed her to go collect her necessary weapons and ammo.”

Terrible Troy Counter: 62. You do not get to fucking talk to me about being professional!

Troy’s face, although it didn’t seem possible, scrunched up into an even more miserable contortion. He didn’t say a word, but just turned on his heel with a huff and marched over to join a Senior Lieutenant, who was shouting at a few marines who weren’t moving fast enough for his liking.

Back to the world of sanity, then.”

She and John spend two paragraphs exchanging pleasantries, he shows her the “Spartan smile” gesture and (I think) gets it wrong, and then… *sigh*… Amy Smythe shows up.”

“He’s awfully mysterious in the armor,” Amy remarked, “After seeing him normally so often. It’s sexy though.” She paused for a moment, and then gave a sideways glance to Renee and said lowly, “It’s not just a coincidence both you and John are late, is it?”

Sadly, it is not.”

Renee narrowed her eyes slightly, a little smirk playing on her lips giving away the answer. Amy jumped excitedly, but calmed herself quickly after a few marines standing near them gave her an odd look. She clapped her gloved hands excitedly,

Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 49

Man, it’s been a while since this character was around, and I’d forgotten how goddamn annoying she is.

“So, tell me!” it sounded very difficult for her to maintain the whisper she had going, “What happened? You weren’t in your room this morning; you stayed the whole night… I know it. Did you guys do it?”

“Do it?” Renee repeated, a dull look appearing on her face, “No.”

That’s because Renee and the Master Chief never do anything whatsoever!

“Why not?” Amy cried, her voice getting whiny, “Do you ever know how to take advantage of a situation? It would have been the perfect opportunity to… ” she trailed off, shaking her head in disbelief, “Tell me at least you guys fooled around a little.”

Oh, they were foolish all right…”

She winked after this.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but no.”

“Oh my god!” Amy held up her hand, “What the hell are you? Don’t tell me you believe in the sex after marriage thing.”

Are there humans who believe in abstinence after marriage?”

“No, I’m not religious,” Renee rolled her eyes.

And that right there is as close to an actual personality as Renee Kilburn is ever going to get.

“But what about her shallowness and unprofessionalism?”

Being annoying is not a personality.

“Then what’s your problem?” Amy looked like she wanted to strangle her, “If I were you, I would have totally jumped on him and just…” she stopped when Renee gave her a weird look, “Sorry. I mean- just I’m confused here.”

So are we, lady. So are we…

“John didn’t want to.”

“What?” Amy looked almost offended, “You’re a beautiful girl, why wouldn’t he want to? You don’t have enough muscles or something?

After that… shameful display with the push-ups, it would not surprise me.”

Did he tell you right to your face, ‘No I don’t want to have sex with you’?”

“No…”

“Ah!” Amy exclaimed, looking crazy, “Do you know anything about men?

At this point, I’m not to sure if any of you do.

They want you do something too… it’s not like you can sit there on your ass and expect them to know what you want… trust me, they’re clueless.

I… actually resent that.

Although when it comes to mating you, personally, are in fact pretty damn clueless.”

You have give ’em hints, ya know… like… when John was kissing you, you could have moaned a little or something- that really gets ’em going…”

Yeesh. Well, I could ask those of you in the audience who actually like girls to tell me whether or not this is true, but I’m actually perfectly happy not knowing the answer.

Although, just in general, getting relationship advice from the characters of Love of a Spartan is simply asking for trouble.”

“Amy!” Renee cut her off, “I didn’t ask for advice, okay? We didn’t have sex. Get over it. You’re being a little creepy.”

Well, she’s in good company.”

“Jeez, sorry, I thought you could use some tips, ” Amy rolled her eyes and sighed, “Because I know you’re still an innocent little goody-two-shoes.

And somebody still needs to tell Amy Smythe that when it comes to colloquialisms, 2535 and 1935 are not the same thing.

You never did it with Troy- I don’t blame you, he probably would have turned into some abusive creep –

Although he’d have to try pretty hard to stand out against the current competition…”

Terrible Troy Counter: 63

and your previous boyfriends were a bunch of wimpy fruits.

SUDDENLY RAGING HOMOPHOBIA

Calm down, ‘fruits’ probably means something entirely different in Canada.”

Now, you’ve got a real man. Look at him!” she gestured to John, “He’s everything you could ever need, he’s sweet, he’s sexy, he’s smart, he’s ripped… not to mention he’s Humanity’s hope for survival! There’s no reason why you shouldn’t do him.

Actually, that last one is a very good reason not to ‘do’ him.”

You two are a perfect match- it’s so cute! I mean he’s huge, and you’re tiny… opposites attract, you know.” She beamed after this, proud of her speech.

Indeed. The Demon is strong, brave, cunning, and capable of singlehandedly securing victory for his cause, while you are weak, cowardly, foolish, and an object of terror only for the warrior unfortunate enough to find that it is your responsibility to watch his flank!”

Also, it kind of crept up on me this time around, but it looks like they are once again taking time out of a life-or-death combat engagement to gabble on about bo-oys.

Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 50

“I’m not tiny,” Renee replied with a frown, ignoring the rest of Amy’s rant.

“You’re five foot what, five?” Amy raised an eyebrow, “That’s tiny compared to everyone else.”

Again with the Imperial units! That baffled me the first time I saw it, and it’s continuing to baffle me now!

Why does this seem to anger you more than the continuing disgrace of the entire human soldiery?”

*Climbs atop a conveniently-placed soapbox*

Because I’m a goddamn scientist.

“Thank you,” Renee smiled falsely.

“You’re welcome,” Amy smiled back.

They both turned when suddenly Troy yelled across to them.

“Get your asses moving!” he shouted, “Get your damn weapons and come over and fall in!”

Thank.

The.

Fucking.

Spirits!

he gestured to an already well formed line of marines. Amy muttered something under her breath, and she led the way over to the weapons table. She snatched up a pistol and three clips and tucked them into her belt, then took an assault rifle and several clips, jamming them into the various pockets on her vest.

Renee did the same, although she took a few more clips than Amy did, for she wasn’t sure how much they would need. She had always been paranoid of running out of ammo. That’s what always seemed to happen in her dreams, and she would always get killed.

No one will be admitted during the heart-pounding Ammo Provisioning Scene!

She put her helmet on afterwards, and followed Amy to the line, where they fell in. John stood in front of them, along with the couple of Senior Lieutenants. He was going to divide the marines into teams- one of the Lieutenants, who was nicer than Troy could ever think of being, gave him permission to do so.

Meaning that one of the other Lieutenants was in fact more foolish than Troy could ever think of being.”

Terrible Troy Counter: 64

“Alright marines,” John addressed them all, “As you are aware, we are about to engage in a huge ground battle. Lacerta is under heavy Covenant invasion, and it’s obvious that our job is to kill them.

Really? I thought your job was to teach them how to love!”

Now, we won’t be alone, but we won’t be as well accompanied until the other ships arrive. For the lot of you who have doubts, don’t.

Don’t tell me what to think!

I will rendezvous with two of my fellow Spartans when we get there.” John paused to allow the marines to cheer, “Now, we will be split up into teams. Alpha Team, Beta Team, etc. I will announce your name, and the team that you will be in will be your backup, your companions, for the rest of this mission. I don’t want any complaints, you are here to defend Humanity, and I expect all of you to do it with the utmost maturity and pride.

*SNERK*

With this lot, I hope he is prepared to be disappointed.”

“Now I will announce the marines who will be accompanying me, on Alpha Team. They are as follows: Troy Fisher, Renee Kilburn, Amy Smythe, Josh Hamlin, Kirk Ronstadt, Blaine Kilmer, Luke Diller and Henry O’Riley. Now, those who will be accompanying Lieutenant Boudreau on Beta Team are as follows…”

Canonically, depending on the game (save for Halo CE and Halo 4, where females were not featured due to model limitations and no comprehensible reason, respectively) the sex ratios of UNSC Marines range from roughly 85-15 to 50-50, and in some isolated circumstances females can substantially outnumber males. So why, other than our so-called “protagonists”, is the entirety of this unit male?”

And why do they all have North American names? This sounds less like a representative segment of the UNSCMC than it does AshleyBudrick’s high school graduating class.

John continued in this fashion, all the way to Theta.

I’m just glad we don’t have to read all of it.”

Although why is he using the Greek alphabet, instead of the (modified?) NATO phonetic alphabet the UNSC uses in canon?

Finally, after all the names were called, he announced, “Now, will you please gather into your assigned teams with your Leaders.”

The marines all fell out and hurried to get into their teams. Renee and Amy quickly went over to John, along with the others, including Troy, who looked borderline happy. He got paired with his fellow friends. Josh, Blaine and Kirk, but the fact that he was on the same team with Renee, Amy and John brought his mood down immensely.

As it would anyone’s.

Also, that is not how you punctuate.”

He quickly stood beside his friends, making sure there was one on his either side so he wouldn’t have to stand beside Renee or Amy. John turned to his Alpha Team, and smiled behind his visor. They were all good marines, even though it might be a challenge to try and deal with Troy, who, with no doubt would try to be the leader.

Perhaps that is because he is the ranking officer.

Terrible Troy Counter: 65

“No one has complaints?” he asked.

Quite a few, actually, but we have the counters for that.”

“Not a complaint, but a question, sir, ” Amy spoke up quickly.”

“Yes?”

“Did you pick these teams?”

“No, Private.”

“Oh,” Amy shrugged, “Okay then, just wondering. Well it’s an honor to be on your team. Master Chief.”

Well, that was pointless.

She winked at him, “You can kick some serious Covenant ass!”

Everyone, except Troy of course, muttered an agreement or nodded. It was true, they were all very lucky to be on his team.

Although once he begins smearing Grunt blood over everyone, they may wish to reconsider that sentiment.”

Also,

Terrible Troy Counter: 66

Renee looked at John’s visor, and had no idea who or what he was looking at, which made her slightly frustrated. It would calm her to be able to look into his eyes, and see his assuring expression. Surprisingly, she felt good about this mission. Maybe it was the fact that John would be with her, or maybe it was just a coincidence. Either way, she was sure that this mission would be somewhat positive.

Blah blah purple philosophizing blah.

She looked to Troy, surrounded by his goony friends. They were excellent in battle, she could give them that, and Troy, despite his crankiness, was a good tactical thinker.

Meaning that Troy was simply excellent in battle and a good tactical thinker.”

Terrible Troy Counter: 67

John was better though.

No, he demonstrably is worse!

“Now, are you all ready?” John asked, slinging his assault rifle over his shoulder.

“Sir, yes, sir!” Everyone but Troy answered.

“Maybe that’s because the Chief should be calling him ‘sir’, and not the other way around!”

Terrible Troy Counter: 68

“We’re in Pelican 0-76,” John gestured with his hand,

It’s a small thing compared to the rest of this, but the UNSC designates Pelican dropships with a letter, a hyphen, and then a three-digit number.

“Let’s get a move on, double time!”

The rest of the team ran ahead, but Renee lingered behind to wait for John. Renee suddenly felt nervous, and wanted to hug John, but she knew she couldn’t.

Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 51

He walked up next to her, and paused.

“Is there something the matter?” he obviously saw her worried face.

Everything in this ‘fic is the matter.

“I’m positive about this and all- but I’m nervous. I always get nervous, ” she looked down to the assault rifle in her hands .

“Renee,” John said quietly, “Don’t be.”

Again, STOP TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO THINK!

Fine.

Halight Counter: 20

He swiped his finger across his visor. Spartan smile. She couldn’t help but smile back.

*gags*

Good night, and good luck.

 

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33 Comments on “1596: Love of a Spartan – Chapter Twelve, Part Two”

  1. BatJamags says:

    “And now, you answer your own question- these fools are neither hardened, nor soldiers.”

    I’d say that some of them are hardened, but the author is being weirdly insistent that that’s not the case.

  2. BatJamags says:

    “Is there anything wrong with it?”

    Of course there is! It’s called fraternization, ya dumbshit! And you’re not supposed to be doing it!

    You can read that last sentence however you like.

  3. BatJamags says:

    “Do you have any idea what time it is? Almost noon, dammit! This is unacceptable behavior. Private. Drop and give me twenty. One handed. Right now.”

    *Gives Troy a hug*

  4. BatJamags says:

    Ok, now, never having done a push-up since high school I really have no idea how much actual energy they take, but I’d sort of expect a professional soldier to be able to do more than five without getting tired out. This is just sad.

    So, I was going to snark at this by immediately dropping to the ground and doing like six or seven one-handed push-ups, but apparently push-ups are a lot harder than I realized.

    But again: I’m an out-of-shape nerd. Kilburn is a “soldier.”

  5. BatJamags says:

    They want you do something too… it’s not like you can sit there on your ass and expect them to know what you want… trust me, they’re clueless.

    *Puts on deer stalker and holds up magnifying glass*

    Who are you calling clueless? I find clues all the time!

    Wait, what were we talking about?

  6. BatJamags says:

    “You’re five foot what, five?” Amy raised an eyebrow, “That’s tiny compared to everyone else.”

    5’5″ is not that small. 5’6″ is average. My mom’s that height, and I tease her that she’s short, but that’s because I’m huge.

  7. BatJamags says:

    Lacerta is under heavy Covenant invasion, and it’s obvious that our job is to kill them.

    Thank you for your input, Master Chief Petty Officer Obvious.

    • agigabyte says:

      “We are members of the United Nations Space Command Navy and Marines. It’s obvious that we are soldiers.”

      “This is a Pelican Dropship. It obviously drops troops and vehicles off.”

      “This is a gun. It obviously fires bullets.”

      “This is a corpse. It’s obviously dead.”

  8. BatJamags says:

    And why do they all have North American names? This sounds less like a representative segment of the UNSCMC than it does AshleyBudrick’s high school graduating class.

    I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt here: in a lot of historical militaries, at least, soldiers from the same region or colony (depending on whose military it was) would be put in the same unit together. The British Indian Army in particular divided troops up by religious and ethnic groups so they could be used against each other in the event of an uprising.

    So, I can kind of see that this unit could be drawn from North America. On the other hand, I assume the UNSC would divide things up by planet and not by country.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Actually, with colonial nationalism (planetarism?) being one of the main driving forces of the Insurrection, I can easily see the UNSC building units out of a lot of different colonies so that their troops didn’t develop those sentiments.

  9. BatJamags says:

    The marines all fell out and hurried to get into their teams. Renee and Amy quickly went over to John, along with the others, including Troy, who looked borderline happy. He got paired with his fellow friends. Josh, Blaine and Kirk, but the fact that he was on the same team with Renee, Amy and John brought his mood down immensely.

    Harvard comma, dammit! Or Oxford comma. Or whatever university has it this week.

  10. BatJamags says:

    “Although once he begins smearing Grunt blood over everyone, they may wish to reconsider that sentiment.”

    Master Chief: *Blasting a Jackal’s head off with a shotgun* Anyone want face paint?

  11. BatJamags says:

    I just remembered an awful fic that deserves riffing. I’d tackle it myself, but not only have I written riffs far ahead of what’s been posted on the site, but I’ve also got a lot of other fics I’m planning to riff.

    Basically, it’s a Halo fic that’s loaded with technology porn, Stu-tacular characters, and impossible logistics. It’s been a while since my aborted attempt to read all the way through it, but I remember one character in particular reads like something a ten-year-old would come up with. Actually, several of them do.

    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6367978/1/bHalo_b_the_bArt_b_of_bWar_b

    It’s impressive how some of the worst fics I’ve read (outside of riffs, trolls, and fics whose titles begin with “my”) I’ve found on the TV Tropes recommendations page.

    • andiliteman says:

      Holy. Frick.

      I just read the opening, and it goes as follows:
      Disclaimer
      500+ word A/N
      A quote
      Scene tag
      Time/date stamp

      While that’s painful, the chapter seems mechanically sound and decently written, with shades of purple and a few words missing here and there. I have no clue what’s happening partly because I know diddly squat about Halo and partly because I read quickly. Though there’s nothing too bad on the surface, your criticisms are from the meat of the story, which always makes for the best riffing.
      I’d be excited to see that happen.

      • BatJamags says:

        Oh, don’t get me wrong: the technical aspects of the fic are very good. There’s some grammatical and spelling errors, but the author’s not a native English speaker, so we can lay those on the betas. It’s just that the content is… special. I just started rereading to confirm that it’s as bad as I remembered, and there are literally two chapters of nothing but logistically impossible technology that the author made up.

        Basically, remember Stumanity from X-COM: Mass Effect? These guys aren’t quite that bad, but they warrant the title StuNSC. Or StuNDF, because according to the author “UNSC” is “corny,” so it’s just arbitrarily called something else.

        Yeah.

      • andiliteman says:

        Huh.
        I didn’t read XCOM Mass Effect, but I see what you’re saying. Especially the arbitrary rewriting of what the author believes to be “corny.”
        If you’re writing fan fiction, you have to take the corny and not be pretentious about it, in my opinion.

        Makes me think of a RWBY fic I wrote where my editor highlighted the name Glinda Goodwitch with a note that said “Seriously?” It’s a dumb name, but that’s how it is.

      • BatJamags says:

        I was comparing them to Stumanity more in the sense that they get a bunch of overpowered toys because the author says so, but I agree with you about the corniness (plus, I don’t see why “UNSC” is any cornier than “UNDF”).

        That’s actually a pet peeve of mine for adaptations as well, when they try to make a franchise more realistic when realism was never the point (see also: the Christopher Nolan Batman films).

    • agigabyte says:

      I’m actually fine with technology/comprehensive magic porn–when it’s executed well. I’m fine with a paragraph being spent describing a satchel charge, but only if that adds something to the story, and isn’t a paragraph long because of purple prose. The problem is that this fic ignores the logistics involved almost entirely, and much other stuff about it is terrible.

      Plus, much of the technology porn just doesn’t make sense. Just read the fan wank section here. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/YMMV/HaloTheArtOfWar

  12. "Lyle" says:

    Now, you’ve got a real man. Look at him!” she gestured to John, “He’s everything you could ever need, he’s sweet, he’s sexy, he’s smart, he’s ripped… not to mention he’s Humanity’s hope for survival! There’s no reason why you shouldn’t do him.

    How about “Healthy relationships are built on mutual understanding and respect for each other.” There’s your reason for not immediately fucking him. Now stop treating Master Chief like a piece of ass, grab your gun, and grow up. If this is how you view adult relationships, you’re obviously not an adult.

  13. Swenia says:

    It shouldn’t be that difficult of a concept to grasp! Especially for hardened soldiers.

    *Eyebrow waggle*

  14. Swenia says:

    “This isn’t a damn bed and breakfast, for Christ’s sake, you were noted yesterday that we would be entering the Lacertae System and you should have been up at 6:30 sharp at the latest!” Troy started, not making any personal references to her, for he was under the watch of a couple of Senior Lieutenants, “Do you have any idea what time it is? Almost noon, dammit! This is unacceptable behavior. Private. Drop and give me twenty. One handed. Right now.”

    *Fans herself*

    I’ll be in my bunk.

  15. TacoMagic says:

    “Calm down, ‘fruits’ probably means something entirely different in Canada.”

    In this case “fruit” means the same thing in Canada as it does in the US. It’s a derogatory reference to being homosexual.


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