1593: My Inner Life – Chapters 20 & 21
Posted: November 15, 2016 Filed under: Legend of Zelda, My Inner Life | Tags: Erttheking, Legend of Zelda, Link's Queen, My Inner Life, Romance
Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking
Nora: Give it some credit, it’s kind of ping ponging back and forth on the whole sexism thing. While Jenna is being a stereotypical girly girl, one whose great ambition in life is to get married and pregnant and gives up her important job to do so, defines herself completely on her love life, she’s still probably going to be queen, can (apparently) fight and is now trying to save the man in the relationship.
Ert: Yeah, except a story that’s sexist 50% of the time is still sexist.
Nora: Not arguing that. I’m just pointing it out. Sure makes things confusing as hell though.
Ert: No freaking kidding…
The Final Fight
Goeth: I suppose al the later chapters just have more lovey dovey nonsense in it.
Ert: Don’t scare me like that Goeth.
I charged forward, crying into the chilling air as I prepared to strike. Lunging, my weapon clashed with his, causing a crash of metal and a shower of sparks.
Goeth: Again, steel on steel does not create sparks.
Ert: Question, did she just try and hit his sword? Because that’s what it sounded like. Granted it’s hard to tell, considering how vague this fight scene is.
Pushing forward, our weapons met again, as a shower of sparks rained from our rage. I backed up again, raising my weapon for another assault. We moved in a circle, each waiting for the other to attack.
Ert: Well there’s one thing from the game that this story got right. Dark Link is a very tricky fighter that usually waits for you to make the first move. He then either counters you, or slips a hit in while your guard is down. It makes sense that he would wait, and that he would make anyone else cautious…is what I would say if Jenna had fought him long enough to realize that.
Nora: And, to be frank, them clashing at the same time will probably turn out to be a coincidence.
Then I took my chances and lunged again. This time my weapon connected, cutting his black tunic, leaving a gash across his chest. Looking down at his crimson soaked wound, he sneered then flew at me, sword raised. I ducked, raising my weapon in defense.
Nora: Yup, it was. In order to hurt Dark Link, you need to use an unconventional means of attack. Wailing on him with a frontal assault won’t do jack.
Goeth: And an unconventional means of attack is something Link has in great supply.
Goeth: Jenna does not.
Our blades connected again, sending another shower of sparks into the air. The sound or our weapons clashing filled the room, as the water rushed around our shuffling feet.
Ert: Rush? Why would it rush!? There’s no slope to make it flow downhill, and the water in this room isn’t part of a creek, a stream or a river! SO WHY IS IT FUCKING RUSHING!? AT MOST IT WOULD SPLASH!
Nora: You are really running low on things to complain about.
Ert: BECAUSE THIS STORY IS SO FUCKING BORING I FIND SHIT LIKE THIS MORE ENGAGING!
Nora: You need a holiday.
Ert: Wouldn’t hurt…
He again tried to push forward, causing me to block in defense.
Goeth: As opposed to blocking in offense. *Loads ninja trebuchet* Say hello to our DRD friends.
Backing up again I moved with him, trying to anticipate his next attack. And I felt him surround me.
Nora: Because apparently he can still do that.
Ert: Yeah, considering he was able to overpower both Link and Jenna with this vague gobbledygook, I’m wondering why this fight is lasting longer than three seconds. Aside from the obvious answer of bad writing.
His taunting laugh causing the rage inside me to flourish.
Goeth: Even though he has been injured and Jenna has not been touched.
Nora: Evil people laugh because that’s what they do. They laugh, call people fool, and act like idiots. Sometimes they’re rapists. Where the heck did all this lousy villain writing start again?
Then I felt Link calling to me in my mind, heard him telling me what to do.
Nora: And she needs Link to tell him what to do. Goddamnit story, I was actually trying to stick up for you a bit at the beginning. We’re not even a thousand words into the rift and you already made me regret doing that.
But because of the fiery rage that was running threw me, his voice sounded muffled and distant.
Ert: Oh for fuck’s sake. She can’t clearly hear Link because she’s mad? I hope you guys saved the receipt from that piss drinking ceremony, because the oh so special bond you got from it is proving to be rather lousy.
As the evil being moved around me, I felt the chilling air he was generating move across my skin. I eyed his every move, waiting for the right moment to strike. His blood red eyes watched me, the flames of a fire seemed to flicker in them. His weapon moved with such grace and his moves like that of a striking tiger.
Nora: No cat counter as it was describing someone other than Jenna for a change. But I’m very confused as to what is going on. Is Dark Link a solid being at this point? Because I got the impression that he was a mass of shadows that was everywhere around Jenna. So how can she be following him?
Ert: Making this the second time I’ve reviewed a fic with a shadow monster that ended up being poorly defined and utterly annoying.
Though I waited, waited for the right moment. “Well aren’t you going to attack, or are you afraid?” Dark Link snickered as his hand gestured for me to come forth. “Afraid of you!?” “Your more of a fool then I thought.” “You surprise me Dark Link.” “I thought you said you were going to show me just how rough you can play.”
Goeth: Let’s play a fun little game. It’s called “Who said what?” It’s a good icebreaker, you take a disjointed conversation like this, and try to figure out who actually said what?
Ert: Spoiler alert, you can’t. Because it’s freaking impossible. This is why most writers start a new paragraph when they move from one speaker to another, and it’s also why if a person says more than one sentence, they don’t close the quotation.
A small smile crossed my face as I saw the burning rage twist Dark Link’s face. “Be careful of what you wish for.” “Cause you might just GET IT!”
Nora: I see you’ve been browsing the discount dialogue bin. While you’re there, you might want to get “not on my watch” and “not if I have anything to say about it” and of course “NEVER!”
Dark Link’s face twisted into a vicious smile as he lunged forward again.
Ert: Has he ever NOT been smiling? For a period that lasted longer than five seconds I mean.
Raising my weapon again, I prepared to defend myself. A sudden flash of metal blazed as my weapon met his. Using all my strength, I fought to push his sword back. My wrists started to buckle under the immense power that Dark Link was putting into his sword, as he tried to pin me under it.
Nora: Wait, I thought that Jenna had two weapons. I mean they’re called Phoenix Circles, with a s. So why is she saying weapon as in singular? Don’t tell me that this is a Bloodborne deal where they can combine into a single weapon and separate into two separate ones. This story is not good enough to have come up with something that interesting.
Goeth: And since she’s supposed to have two weapons, one in each hand, and Dark Link holds his sword in one hand, how is he overpowering her in a clash? If he’s that much stronger than her, he should be knocking her weapons out of her hands.
I felt my heart starting to beat faster, felt sweat beading my face. I continued to push forward, forcing my all into my only hope, my Phoenix Circles.
“Your weak Jenna.” “Why don’t you just surrender to me and I will go easy on you.” “The hope your holding onto is not going to save you now.” Dark Link said bitterly, thrusting his sword forward, pushing it closer to my throat. “You infidel!”
Ert:…I think it’s safe to say that this story was written before 9/11.
“I will never concede to the likes of you!” I spat, my eyes narrowing. “Then die bitch!”
Nora: When the hell did we go from Mr. everyone is a fool to calling people a bitch.
With a swift move of his sword, Dark Link knocked my Phoenix Circles out of my hands, sending them flying across the room. With a gasp, I backed up only to be met by a swift kick to my legs, sending me crashing to the floor and sending a spray of water into the air. I watched as the twisted figure of Link loomed over me, sword pointed at my throat.
Ert: Well, that was pathetic. Disarming people is just that easy huh? Just knock them out
With another sinister laugh, he grabbed me by the tunic and threw me across the room, sending me flying across the water and into the twisted tree. With a loud thud, I fell to the ground, stunned and hurt. Trying to shake off the pain I was now feeling, I opened my eyes only to see Dark Link, advancing on his counter part.
Goeth: And he isn’t going for any vital areas. Not the heart, the brain, the jugular, none of it. He’s playing with his food.
Ert: Because villains are never allowed to be smart.
With one last look back at me, his blood red eyes flickered with and evil glow as a sinister smile crossed his face. “Nothing is going to save both of you now.” His chilling laugh filled the room again, causing it to ring in my ears. Dazed, I looked around the room and saw my Phoenix Circles just a few feet from where I sat. I tried to get up, but my leg was hurt badly, so I fell back down.
Ert: If you’re going to have there be obstacles can you have them not suck?
Nora: And Dark Link is losing interest in her and going over to where Link is because apparently he saw something shiny.
Trying to drag myself, I got with in arms length of them, when a sudden flash of metal knocked my weapons further away. I looked up and saw Dark Link standing over me. “Ah…ah…ah…I cannot have you retrieve your weapons now can I?” He said in a sinister laugh as he waved a finger in front of him.
Ert: He is honestly giving her the wagging finger. I didn’t even write Goeth as this silly, and it worked in with his character a heck of a lot more.
Goeth: I have standards damnit!
“Now get back to where you were!” He said as his foot connected me in the jaw, causing me to fly back into the twisted tree. “Now stay put this time, I will be back for you shortly!” He screeched as he turned and strode back towards Link.
Nora: Now seriously don’t go for your weapons, I mean it this time.
Ert: Why can’t he just have a floating sign over his head that reads “dying in x”
Lying there I felt my whole world starting to fall upon me.
(MUST! KILL! BITCH!)
Nora: Probably because he thinks you’re annoying. (I know it’s the moon, not the world, be quiet.)
Its hopeless.” I thought to myself as I huddled against the evil looking tree. “I failed miserably.” “I failed Link.” “My son, Link Jr.” “What have I done?” “Its all over now, I failed them both.” Burying my head in my hands, I started to cry.
Nora: Oh boy, the BWHAAAAAAA works are starting.
Goeth: What have you done? Well, you lost the fight and might get killed. Some time in the next five years. After Dark Link finally stops walking away from her every time he lays a finger on her. It might actually get worse if he follows a pattern, as he’s interacting with her less and less between walking away now.
I felt as if I betrayed both Link and our son. Now our son will be orphaned, Link and I prisoners to this twisted evil being. As I thought there was no hope left,
Ert: Oh cry me a fucking river.
I heard a distant voice call out to me in my mind. Suddenly the void opened up and a flame rose in my mind. As the connection between Link and I was established, he called out to me. I floated in the emptiness, moved towards the flame. I saw Link’s image dance within its red glow,
Ert: Uh, Link? Is now the time?
as his voice called out from it. “Jenna my love, you cannot give up, you cannot give in.” “But he is just too strong, what can I do?” I said to him telepathically. “My love, search for the strength within.” “Look into your heart and there will you find the answer.”
Ert: UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! The strength was in you all along, never give up, trust your senses, believe in the Heart of the Cards, believe in the power of friendship, FUCK YOU! Fuck this trope, this second heroic wind because of bullshit trope. If you don’t have the guts to do the fight properly the first time, or to have your main character unambiguously GET THEIR FUCKING ASS KICKED, then don’t do it!
Nora: Is there a term for this?
Ert: Aside from bullshit?
Then the void shattered around me, causing the flame to flicker out and our connection to break.
Suddenly I felt something hot surge threw me.
Ert: FUCK LATER!
Goeth: Yeah…fuck. *Hides syringe* That’s what it was.
It raced threw my bones, raced threw my every vein, radiating to the very center of my being. My skin felt like it was burning, as if I was in a fire and the blood within me felt like it was boiling. A sudden burst of pain shot threw me bringing me to my knees, my screams filing into the air. I felt my hands starting to burn, and as I looked down at them, flames were dancing on the palms of my hands.
Ert:…*Sigh* I don’t even.
Goeth: *Double checks syringe* Neither do I. This is supposed to be poison.
Ert: I always wondered why I kept you around.
I screeched as the flames rose into mini fires,
Nora: Because there was a vital difference between the two
its heat making sweat bead my face. The heat inside my body surged towards my hands, fueling the fires. And I felt a wave of blinding heat surround me, as my eyes watered. As the fires raged threw me, I felt something within me snap.
Goeth: Yeah, fire and bones don’t exactly get along well. It was inevitable that her skeleton would be compromised with all this going on.
Instincts of a pure fiery rage burst threw me, as an unknown fiery wind lifted me up surrounding my within its flames. My hair whipped around my shoulders and my dress whipped around my ankles as a scorching wind started to fill the room.
Ert: So what’s Dark Link doing all this? Practicing his evil laugh? Or is he just happy that Jenna obeyed his instructions for once and didn’t actually go for her weapons.
Nora: The weapons that she’s yet to really use. The weapons that are proving to be rather pointless.
Standing inside the mists of a hellish burning blaze my eyes narrowed as Dark Link suddenly realized what was going on. Just as his hooded head slowly turned to face the fiery hell that was looming over him, my hands rose as tunnels of fire shot out, snaking towards Dark Link with a burning vengeance.
Ert: When the hell did Dark Link get a hood?
Nora: And how can an underground passageway be made out of fire? And how is it being shot out of Jenna’s hands?
When the fiery hell connected with him, his twisted cries tore into the air as the fires engulfed him. As I moved forward, the air begun to fill with a crackling sound as lightning danced across the ceiling. The water in the room began to surge, creating a rushing of waves as the water pounded the walls. Then the ground started shaking, causing cracks to appear on the walls and small crevasses to open in the floor.
Nora: First fire, now lightning? Oh boy. We were trying to hold off on this for an explanation, but it’s just getting to the point where we can’t ignore it anymore. We need to do something. Like this. Two counts.
(Mary Sue Counter: 20)
I watched as Dark Link’s sneer shone threw the hell that engulfed him. He dropped into the swelling waters, dousing the fire, causing heated steam and smoke to rise from his charred clothes. “You wretched bitch!” “I should have killed you!” He cursed,
Ert: YEAH! NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK! You saying that you should’ve done something doesn’t make not doing it any less stupid.
as he rose from the water, his face twisting into a devilish sneer. “You’re right, you should have killed me when you had the chance.”
Ert: AND ACKNOWLEDGING THAT THE VILLAIN WAS BEING STUPID DOESN’T MAKE IT LESS ANNOYING TO READ!
“You’re a fool, now its time to die you evil beast!” Raising my hands into the air, I summoned my powers and combined them into a fiery hell as it descended upon the shadowy evil while lightning and fire reined on him from the sky.
Goeth: Despite the fact that you have had these powers for a time that can be measured in seconds and yet already has perfect control over them is, shall we say, a stretch.
The water surged beneath his feet as the floor shook under him, causing him to collapse to the ground. I watched as the Dark Link screamed, trying to fend off the hell that was upon him. But it was useless.
As the attack continued, I gracefully moved over to him.
Ert: You’ve been bruised, battered, feared for your life, awoken primal powers within you that caused some kind of physical pain, the temperature in the room is probably rising from all the fire and lightning…but sure, let’s walk gracefully.
(Mary Sue Counter: 21)
Nora: A Mary Sue could fart and it would smell like roses.
Lifting a hand up, I cried into the air, the sound piercing the howling noises cascading threw the room. And with all my strength I called upon my new powers combining them all into a gigantic energy ball of pure destruction. With a flick of my wrist, the energy ball descended upon the Dark Being, engulfing him.
Goeth: So you’re combining lightning and fire. Good luck with that, considering that lightning has a tendency to discharge instantaneously. I’m not saying that you wouldn’t be able to control or direct it with magic, I’m just saying the story is doing very little to explain how that has happened. Also, she wasn’t doing anything to control it when it first appeared, so it all should have discharged by now.
With his last screams of agony, the energy ball imploded taking Dark Link with it. The chair reaction from the explosion sent me flying backwards and into a wall. Lying on the floor in the water, I looked around the shattered room and saw the elements still raging. With my last ounce of strength, I raised my head up high as a blinding white light ascended from my body and filled the room causing all to go calm once more.
Nora: This fight was awfully anti-climatic. Jenna pulls brand new powers out of her ass and just one-shots Dark Link with it. No struggle, no clash of wills, no breath being held, she snaps her fingers and the shallow, one dimensional rapist dies. Hoorah.
(Mary Sue Counter: 22)
Ert: And then she passes out, because it’s been awhile since we’ve seen that old chestnut. Because a character’s abilities aren’t bullshit if they pass out after.
When I awoke, Link was sitting beside me, holding me in his dusty arms. Looking up at him, his eternal blue eyes stared deeply into mine. “Your awake my love, oh goddesses I thought I lost you!” “How are you feeling?” He said as he stroked my arm. “Ouch…oh my head hurts.” I winced when I tried to move. “Take it easy my love, you landed into a wall.”
Ert: And you have a script that follows the speaking pattern of John Freeman.
Gordon Freeman’s Brother: U know general idiea, but u lak sool.
Rubbing my head I felt something cold and wet. Lowering my hand I saw blood on my fingers, then the sight of the room caught my eye. “Oh my Goddesses…….what the hell happened here!?” I said in a raspy voice.
Ert: Good question. I’ve yet to get an answer aside from “complete and utter bullshit.” So was that the whole point of this little side trip? So that Jenna could unlock her super special awesome powers?
Goeth: Well the rape threats weren’t exactly contributing to her character arc. Anyway, Link recaps the story, something we will spare you from.
“I thought my worst fears came true, I thought I had lost you.” I watched as tears welled up in Link’s jeweled eyes.
Nora: You ever notice that if you read someone’s story and they’re not that creative, they have a tendency to use the same descriptors over and over again? Because I lost track of how many times we’ve heard of Link’s jeweled eyes.
He leaned forward and held me close. Closing my eyes I laid my head against his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. I was still over whelmed, by what Link had just told me. I had no memory of those events. “Did I really have control over the elements?”
Goeth: Well not really. You controlled fire, which is more of a chemical reaction. It isn’t anywhere on the periodic table, see?
Ert: Yeah yeah, we know that she means the four elements of water, wind, earth, and fire. Because now Jenna is the Avatar on top of everything else. It wasn’t bad enough that she could control fire, she had to be able to control all of the elements, and she somehow knows this. BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES!
(Mary Sue Counter: 23)
Nora: And she could control lighting, despite lightning not being one of the four elements, because…heck if I know. Maybe LQ is using a different definition of elements than that one.
Ert: Please, don’t feel the need to EXPLAIN shit to us LQ! Just let us wander about and try and figure it out on our own.
I thought to myself. “What really happened here?” “Did I really cause…..this?” I glanced around the shattered room in disbelief. “How could I have caused such destruction?” Lowering my eyes I looked at my hands again. Aside from the blood that was caked on them, I saw nothing on them that could have let me “Shoot Fire” from them.
Ert: You know what’s ironic? You disbelief in your newfound god powers come off like it’s supposed to humanize you. It kind of backfired though, as it just doesn’t feel genuine. It’s token. We don’t really see how this revelation affects Jenna as a person. And why is that? Because there’s nothing to KNOW about Jenna as a person. She’s a self insert whose goal is just to have sex with Link and pump out his babies. There’s no CHARACTER there.
Goeth: And it’s just a delaying tactic anyway. In a few chapters she’ll have perfect control over it, assuming she doesn’t already.
With a sigh, I looked back up at Link. “Link my love…can we go home?” With a smile he nodded as we got up and slowly made our way out of the strange mangled room.
A newfound power
Emerging from the Water Temple, Link and I ascended from Lake Hylia and into the bright sunlight. The storm had stopped and all was quiet. We held onto each other as we made our way to our horses. Midnight Star and Star Dancer had found themselves some grass to gnaw on that had pushed its way up threw the snow.
Nora: So much for it being a brutal and cold winter with a savage blizzard on top of it. If grass is poking through the snow, the snow can’t be that deep. Heck, all of this makes me wonder if Jenna doesn’t know the first thing about a winter with snowfall. Maybe she’s like people in the American south who freak out at the sight of any snowfall because they’re not used to it.
Ert: Or maybe this story is just inconsistent and doesn’t know what the fuck it’s doing.
Nora: There’s that. Anyway, they head home and Link brought Jenna’s utterly worthless Phoenix Circles with them.
When we reached home, we dismounted and ushered the horses back into the stable. Then we went into the house. After we walked, in I saw Ruto sitting by the fire with our little son. When she looked up at us, her eyes grew big with shock. Oh my Goddesses…what the hell happened to you two?” Removing the tattered Zora Tunic, I staggered to the couch and sat down. “We got the shit beat out of us.” I replied darkly.
Ert: Remember earlier when I said that Jenna had no character? This is a good indicator of that. She never said a single swear word before. Now all of a sudden she’s saying shit? I’d say it’s out of character but I’m not sure. Her character is so vaguely defined that maybe it is in character! Fuck is I know!
I watched as Link removed his damp cloak and scabbard then staggered over to the couch and sat down beside me. “Got the shit beat out of you…by who?!” Ruto questioned again with worry and shock. I looked directly into the Zora’s concerned eyes. “It’s a long story Ruto, are you up to it?” She nodded back in response.
Goeth: It actually isn’t a very long story. For some reason, Dark Link attacked the two of them, captured Link, didn’t kill Jenna but just kind of messed around with her, Jenna awoke powers that were probably made up as LQ was writing, and then she killed Dark Link. That’s about it. I didn’t leave out anything of importance.
Nora: Never underestimate the power of those who assume their affairs are more complicated than they actually are.
After we explained about our terrifying experience inside the Water Temple, Ruto’s eyes stared at us in pure shock. “Oh my Goddesses…Jenna you have powers over the elements?”
Ruto said with shock in her voice.
Ert: We still haven’t established that, nor have we established how lightning qualifies as an element. Antiquated or modern.
“I’m not sure, I have no memory of the events Link described to me.”
Goeth: Yet you jumped to the conclusion that your control of fire and lighting = control over elements. As opposed to the logical conclusion, you have power over fire and lighting.
“The last thing I remember, I was being knocked into the tree after Dark Link broke threw my defenses.” “But Link said I destroyed his counter part inside a Hugh energy ball.” I sighed shaking my head. “I still don’t understand it, I never had powers like that before.” “Maybe they were dormant until now.” Ruto added. “It’s a possibility.” Link said. “Hummm…you have a point, but I wonder what could have activated it.” I responded skeptically. “Maybe it was activated threw the immense anger, you experienced when Dark Link attacked you.” Link said as he took a sip of his honey tea.
Nora: Kind of missing the forrest through the trees here. Yeah, it probably was activated that way, but that’s not really the big concern. The big concern is how she got these powers in the first place.
Ert: It’s gonna be stupid, no getting around it, so I’d rather we get it over with and not beat around the bush.
I pondered the thought, wondering if that could be what happened, but it still sounded too farfetched. “I think I should go see Princess Zelda tomorrow.” “Maybe she can help answer this.” I said as I looked at Ruto. “Well I think that’s a wise decision, maybe she can help.” Ruto said as Link nodded in agreement. Looking over at Link, his eyes seemed to glow with anticipation. For a moment I was able to read his mind threw them, only to have the connection break.
Goeth: And they’re not actually talking about why the connection broke. Making it unclear if it was broken by Link for no adequately explored reason or if it just faltered out on its own. Again, for no adequately expired reason.
Nora: And the dialogue in that scene was simply riveting. Someone suggesting that they do something obvious and others showing their agreement.
“Well it’s been a long day.” “I’m tired and I want to get cleaned up, lets call it a day.” I said as I eyed Link over. “You can stay here tonight Ruto.” “I still don’t think it would be wise for you to head back to Zora’s Domain until morning.” I said as I handed Ruto a pillow and blankets. “Thank you kindly.” Ruto returned appreciatively as she took the blankets from me and proceeded to make a place for herself by the fire. “I’m going to send Lilly and Navi to sleep down here tonight, if you should need anything, they’ll get it for you.” I said as Ruto nodded in return.
Ert: This is getting a little absurd. She shouldn’t head back? Well no freaking duh. I thought it had already been established that it wasn’t safe. Stop wasting my time and bloating the story with dialogue like this.
Nora: And the fairies are being reduced from guardians to being hired help. Except they’re not even paid. They’re just help. You’re the homeowners, you help. Let the poor fairies sleep.
“Yawn” “Well I’m heading up, coming Link?” I asked him tiredly. “Yes my love, I need to clean up as well.” He said as he ascended the stairs behind me.
As I prepared our bath, Link was busy removing the tattered clothes from his body. While I watched the water swell in the tub from the heat, I begun to think of what Link said. The notion that I might have powers over the elements frightened me, since I had no idea if I would even be able to control such power.
Goeth: Don’t make me laugh. She managed to concentrate fire and lightning, which should have burnt out and discharged respectively. She most certainly can control it perfectly. Once she learns how to active it, she’ll be making rubber ducks out of the elements.
Ert: Sounds like a story I’d rather be reading.
I just hoped that if I had such power, that I would be able to take control of it.
When the water was ready, I removed my tattered and torn dress, and call for Link to join me. Slipping down into the water, it was a relief to finally remove the dust and dirt from my body. I slipped over to Link and into his muscular arms.
Ert: Ok, taking a bath after all the crap she just went through? Totally get it. But now is not the time for sex.
Nora: They don’t actually have sex this time.
Ert: Seriously? Well, from the way it reads it looked like they were going that way. So the tone is still screwed up.
I huddled against him as he took the wash rag and begun to clean my wounds and scrub away the dried blood. As I laid there, inside Link’s strong arms, I felt secure, felt protected. Even in light of what befell us that day, I was glad that I went with him. Who knows what might have happened if I didn’t. He could have still been prisoner to his evil counter part. Though everything that happened that day still haunted me, it haunted my dreams. And that night, was the first night when sleep evaded me.
Nora: You know, in a well written story this would be a good scene. Recovering from a grueling and exhausting ordeal? It would really fit in. The problem is that it’s in a crap story.
Ert: And the thing where it sounded like it was going to lead to some in and out in the tub.
Morning came and the morning sun washed threw the window and into the room. I opened my sleepless eyes and stirred out of bed. I walked over to the crib where our son laid. His sweet little face was so innocent as he slept peacefully in his crib with his fairy Aria snuggled next to him. I reached in and gently brushed my fingers across his soft cheek, smiling to myself as I watched him sleep. “I love you my son.” “I don’t know what would’ve happened to you if you lost us.” A single tear trickled down my face. “Don’t worry my son, the face of death isn’t going to keep us away from you.” I said as I gently placed a little kiss on his forehead.
Goeth: Their son doesn’t get much interaction outside of his parents talking about how much they love him. And showing that love by…repeating that they love him.
Ert: I get that if you’re newly christened parents, you get overwhelmed with emotions but most parents tend to express those emotions in slightly more complicated manners.
Rising, I walked over to the other side of the bed where Link was sleeping and knelt down beside him. Taking my hand, I gently brushed his fine blonde hair out from over his eyes and placed my lips close to his. Softly I kissed his firm lips, tasting the honey still on them from the tea he drank the night before.
Nora: Which added…something. I mean it’s there, it certainly adds something to the sentence. What it adds, I can’t say.
Goeth: Aside from padding.
Then a glint caught my eye as he opened his beautiful jeweled eyes.
Ert: Getting real fucking tired of that. Luckily for you it’s too late in the story to put up more counters, because I totally would have otherwise. Anyway, they talk about how they should probably go and talk to Zelda before making the journey, with Ruto going her own way.
Upon entering the Market Place, I heard it bustling with activity as people went about their daily wares. We slowed our horses to a trot and headed for the gates to the castle, the sound of their hooves made a clicking sound on the stone pathway as we went. When we reached the first gate, I saw that my good old friend Perrino was on duty.
Ert:…Who? Oh right, the guard mentioned early on, the one who probably took bribes. Remember all the great character moments that he had? Like when he confirmed that his name was Perrino?
“Hello my old friend how are you?” I called out to him. Smiling back at me he spoke. “Hello Mistress Jenna, I’ve been fine.” “Do you wish to see the Princess today?” Nodding in response, he raised the gate and allowed us to pass. “Thanks my friend.” I said as we rode past. We went up the small path that lead to the main gate. When we reached it, the guards opened it then went to summon Princess Zelda.
Nora: What? Was there some strict word minimum that Link’s Queen had to use, so she HAD to bring back the guard whose name I’ve already forgotten?
Goeth: Maybe he was a key part of her dreams.
Upon her arrival, she wore a surprised look. “What brought you here in this terrible cold?” She questioned. “Zelda, we have to talk, it’s important.” Link said sternly. Her expression changing, she called the stable hands to take our horses to the Royal Stable, then led us inside. Then we were taken to the study. Once there, Zelda ordered for the servants to bring refreshments, and warm blankets.
Ert: For the love of god people, can’t this wait? I mean, you’re trying to talk to Zelda about something that’s pretty freaking important. Jenna, I thought you were concerned about your ability to control these powers. Or are you no longer concerned that you might accidentally blow a hole in the wall?
Goeth: As if that was ever actually a possibility.
Link and I sat down on a cushioned couch while Zelda sat in a chair across from us. “So…tell me what is of such great importance that you two came all the way here in the chilling cold with your little son?” Zelda questioned, worry cracking in her voice. “Its about Jenna, Princess…we had a very….ummm….disturbing encounter in the Water Temple yesterday.” Link said solemnly. “WHAT?!……Water Temple, what were you two doing there?” Zelda cried, her eyes wide with shock. “It’s a long story my friend, do you have time?” I asked. “I have all the time in the world.” Zelda replied crossing her arms.
Ert: I don’t though, so I’d appreciate it if you stopped wasting my time. Seriously, you spend so much time retreading stuff that has already been retreaded before that it becomes nearly impossible for me to focus. My eyes slowly drift away from the document I’m typing on and onto a youtube video.
Nora: Seriously, stop distracting Ert so that Goeth and I can finish out shifts and go home. My bed and partners are calling for me.
After we told her about our encounter with Dark Link, and about my supposed control over the elements. I watched as Zelda’s eyes widened, pure shock and terror filled into them. “Dark Link…..control over the elements…..Jenna’s body on fire!?” “What the hell…….?” Zelda said in a choked voice. “Zelda my friend, I still don’t quite understand it myself.” “That is why we are here, you being a sage, almost as powerful as Rauru, we thought you could help.”
Ert: Again, you are failing to make what little plot this story has progress. Why does she have these powers and what do they mean? Can we please get to the fucking point already?
Goeth: Ah, but do you want to spoil the fun? I don’t…this will become relevant when someone actually starts having fun.
I said, then my eyes lowered, turning towards the fireplace and staring down into the flames. “If I really have such power…I’m afraid I might not be able to control it.”
Goeth: *Smacks Jenna across the face*
Ert: Thank you.
I heard Zelda rustle, then rise and walk over to me. Gently she placed a hand on my shoulder, and I looked up at her, her blue eyes glowing with concern. “Don’t worry my friend, we will find out if such power runs threw your veins, and if you do, then I will help you master control over it.”
Ert: HOW DO YOU FUCKING KNOW IT’S IN HER VEINS!? How do you know it’s genetic? How do you know that she didn’t just happen to fucking drink or get exposed to something that embedded her with it?
Nora: Because that’ll be less special.
Ert:…Oh Christ, you’re right. That’s exactly what it is, no two ways about it. And we’re cutting out two-hundred words of those two getting all lovey dovey because I’m sick of it.
“First off…we need to establish a connection between you and the power.” Zelda finally said. “Lets work with the fire element first.” “I want you to focus, clear your mind of all thoughts and concentrate on a single flame.”
Nora: Take it away Uncle Iroh!
Ert: Stop reminding me of better things I could be doing.
She said calmly. I closed my eyes and slowly my mind cleared of all thoughts. I felt the void open up around me, sending me into a darkness. I floated around in the blackness, searching for the flame. I watched, waited, then suddenly I saw a glow as a small flame begun to rise. “Do you see it?” Zelda inquired. “Yes…yes I do.” I responded as I watched the flame in my mind slowly start to dance.
Goeth: Spooky scary skeletons?
Ert: Already used the pumpkin man. Christ, this story really is hard to rift. Namely because it keeps doing the same stupid and stupid things over and over again. There’s only so many cracks that I can make.
Nora: And swears he can say.
“Now concentrate on it, make it a part of you.” Zelda stated again. I stared at the flame…focused on it, tried to make it a part of me. Then I reached out for it, tried to touch it. When my hand grazed over it, I felt a burning sensation, and jerked my hand back. “OUCH….dammit.” I cried as the flame flickered out and the void shattered. “What happened?” Zelda asked, watching me cradle my hand. “It burnt me when I tried to touch it.” I returned angrily, cradling my throbbing hand. “Hmmm…you physically felt something, but you didn’t concentrate on it enough to control it.” “Lets try it again.”
Nora: *Snort* Well thanks for the comedy story. I’m certain it wasn’t intentional, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Goeth: So she burned herself on imaginary fire? Is that even possible? Rhetorical question, of course it isn’t.
I cleared my mind of all thoughts and the void opened up around me once more. Again I tried to concentrate on the flame that rose up in my mind. Focused on making it a part of me.
Goeth: Part of you? So what, do you want me to surgically insert it? Because even I think that’s pushing it.
Nora: Remember who’s talking here.
This time I felt its warmth against my skin as it flickered wildly in front of me. Once more I reached for it as I slowly lowered my hands beneath it and taking it gently into my hands. I felt its heat on my palms as I slowly took hold of it. Then I brought it close to me, peered into its reddish glow, saw my own reflection dancing among it.
Nora: Fires are well known for their reflective surfaces.
Ert: The lack of understanding in this story stretches to every single freaking level. It’s baffling.
As I held the warm flame in my hands, it danced wildly across my fingers as it became a part of me, a part of my very being.
Then I heard a voice call out to me. “Jenna…..look.” I opened my eyes and saw an amazing sight.
Nora: The ending to the story?
Ert: Don’t tease me.
There on my finger tips were two flames dancing across them. My eyes grew big as I looked from Zelda to Link, who were just as wide eyed as me. “Oh…my Goddesses…I did it.” “I really did it.” I cried as a tear ran down my cheek. “Then its true…you really do have elemental powers.” Zelda returned shocked.
Ert: Surprising absolute no one. And I know it’s falling on deaf ears, but you don’t know what the term element means. At all. So stop pretending that you do.
Goeth: Or tell us the atomic number of fire.
I looked at her then to my hands.
Goeth: And tell us what that is supposed to mean.
I watched as the flames danced across my fingertips, its glow reflecting off the palms of my hands. I played with it, moved my fingers around as the flames danced from one finger to another. I giggled as the flames moved with my hands, and jumped when I flicked a finger. Then suddenly the flames flickered out and a small fire rose in the palms of my hands. “What happened?” Zelda asked worried. I looked at her slowly graying eyes then faltered to the small fire in my hand. “I just thought of a small fire in my hands then poof…the flames on my fingertips went out and this rose up in my hands.”
Ert: Narrator: X happened.
Nora: What happened?
Ert: Jenna: Y happened. WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK HAPPENED ZELDA!? What? Did you take a fucking bathroom break and needed a recap of the last five minutes? Or is this story STILL WASTING MY FUCKING TIME!
“Jenna… Zelda clasped her hands over he mouth, you really do have control over the elements.” “The power was really inside you all this time…it just took something drastic to happen in your life for it to activate.”
Goeth: Information that you could not realistically have. Yet you shall.
Ert: She knows how these powers are activated even though she seems shocked by their existence. Sure, why not.
I stared at her wide eyed, unable to move. “You mean I was born with this ability?” I said my voice raspy from shock. “It’s a possibility, or maybe something happened to you during your life where you acquired it from somewhere.” “Do you have any recollection of anything strange that happened to you before your encounter in the Water Temple?” Zelda asked. I thought for a moment. Tried to remember if I ever had anything really strange happen to before my encounter with Dark Link.
Nora: This story did the freaking impossible. It made the DRD go on strike. Every other paragraph there’s something setting their alarm off. Well now they feel overworked and they want more reasonable hours. Congratulations story. You made their lives hell.
Ert: Well so do we, but we do it in self defense. *Looks at Goeth* Semi-self defense.
But the only thing I remembered where something drastic ever happened to me, was when my parents died. “Nothing has happened that I remember, only thing is when my parents died when I was a little girl.”
Goeth: Completely normal, hardly worth mentioning, they all die in the end.
Ert: It’s amazing how Jenna is so speshul and so bland at the same time. It’s a talent.
I returned solemnly “Hmmm…do you think your parents ever had any special abilities?” Zelda questioned. “Well I remember when we would have dry spells on the farm where I’m from, my mother would sing to the sky and it would rain.” “I also remember that my father was always good with the earth.” “Our farm always was prosperous, the crops my father grew were always the best in our village.” I looked back down at the small glowing fire in my hands as its gentle warmth, warmed the chill from my body.
“Jenna…there is no other explanation.” “Your parents must have had some elemental powers, and it transferred to you.”
Nora: Your parents had good luck with farms? THEY’RE MAGIC, THERE’S NO OTHER POSSIBLE EXPLANATION!
Ert: I’m not sure who’s dumber. Jenna for not having the brain power to connect the dots before now, or Zelda for jumping to conclusions based on that weak ass testimony. I mean, the mom singing is something, but it isn’t exactly solid proof. And the dad growing good crops proves what exactly?
“But both of them seemed to only have one power.” “Your mother with the power of water, and your father with the power of earth.” “But one thing still has me baffled, how did you come to possess the power of wind and fire?” Zelda asked in amassment.
Goeth: Lighting equals wind apparently.
Ert: And another cluster of my brain cells fizzle and burnt out under the strain of the concentrated stupid.
I watched the puzzled looks that appeared on Zelda and Link’s faces. Never had they encountered someone in Hyrule with control over the elements.
Nora: Yeah, no one they met could ever control the elements.
Nora: NO ONE AT ALL!
Stories of Hylian’s possessing elemental powers only existed in the dark ages of Hyrule. Most thought that the people who possessed such powers were thought to have died out hundreds of years ago. Stories for told that if one who possess powers over the elements should ever show up in Hyrule, then the land will truly be blessed. Protected by the one with powers of the ancients. But no one ever thought the stories were true. It was told to be only a myth, but now that one did show up, would this be Hyrule’s great protector? With the thought that Gannon might somehow return, would I be the one to protect Hyrule from such darkness?
Ert: Wow. I didn’t think it was possible, but every sentence in that paragraph made me anger than the last one. Supposed to have died out, of course. Can’t have Jenna share the spotlight. Hyrule will be blessed. Yeah, because it sucked until Jenna showed up, Link defeating Ganondorf didn’t change a thing. Hyrule’s protector. Well if you’re Hyrule’s protector, you really dropped the fucking ball for seven fucking years.
(Mary Sue Counter: 24)
I looked at Link and Zelda, who were staring at me with blank stares. “I believe that when she was born, the powers of earth and water transferred from her parents, but she must have been born with her own set of powers.” “That would explain her power over fire and wind.” Link added his calm stare upon my face. Zelda just looked from me to him. Her face expressionless.
Goeth: And that’s why you got an F in biology Zelda. Either these powers are transferred or a person gets their own. Why would it be both?
Nora: And why would Jenna get two on her own?
Then her gaze landed on the small fire in my hands. “Jenna…there are stories that once in the dark ages of Hyrule, there were Hylians that once possessed powers over the elements, but it was believed that they all died out in the time of the (10)Great War of the Lands.” “This devastating war befell Hyrule hundreds of years ago, killing half of Hyrule’s population.” “But it was believed that it was the (11)” Silverlites” or elemental users, that were the ones who saved Hyrule and ended the Great War.”
Nora: Oh boy, double whammy. Let’s get it over with.
(10) The Great War of the Lands was a terrible and devastating war that befell six different Kingdoms and cities including Hyrule hundreds of years ago. The war was started when a group of evil invaders from the northern continents invaded the Kingdom of Avalon and kidnapped the Princess. When the king of Avalon suspected the neighboring kingdom of Kalence of kidnapping his daughter, he sent in his army to retrieve her, only to be met with hostility sent by Kalence’s king. When the king of Kalence tried to convince the king of Avalon that he did not capture his daughter, the king of Avalon did not believe him, thus started the Great War of the Lands.
Ert: So this great war started because the king of Avalon was an idiot. George R.R. Martin is kicking himself for not realizing that he could’ve started Robert’s Rebellion with this instead of the silly complex reasons he had.
Goeth: And it’s still going.
This war lasted twenty years and caused peaceful civilizations and kingdoms to be forced to takes sides, fighting in a war that wasn’t even theirs. Many lands and peaceful creatures suffered during this dark time, even Hyrule who sided with Avalon.
Nora: And they’re forced to do this why? What kind of power is Avalon holding over them that makes them contribute? And if it’s forcing them to fight, why not throw their lot in with Avalon’s enemies?
Ert: Look, LQ probably made this up in three seconds to make Jenna sound more awesome, she doesn’t give a shit about it making sense.
Hyrule suffered heavy losses, much of the population was killed or died of disease. It took many years after the war ended for Hyrule and the other lands that fought in the war to regain their numbers. And it was only after a brave band of knights that sided together from each of the feuding countries that found out who really captured Avalon’s princess and cleared Kalence’s name, thus ending the twenty year war.
Ert: And by that time, the princess was most likely dead and had had horrible, unspeakable things done to her. HAPPY ENDING!
Nora: And they found this out by doing…thing. Thing that helped them solve a twenty year mystery whose trail would’ve gone cold. And the mass genocide that would’ve had to take place for all those people to die just stopped, with no hard feelings between kingdoms. Because that’s how it works.
(11) The Silverlites
Nora: Dumbest. Name. Ever.
were a race of magic uses that had control over the elements during the time of the Great War. This once peaceful race once lived among Hyrule’s population, using their control over the elements to help Hyrule prosper. Then they were thrust into the war after Hyrule was forced to take sides, causing the Silverlites to fight for the protection of Hyrule. Much of this race was killed before the war ended, leaving only a few left.
Ert: Shame the war couldn’t finish the rest of them off. Then we wouldn’t be stuck with this story.
Goeth: I want one alive for research purposes.
Ert: Go nuts.
Then they just seemingly vanished. Some say that the remaining Silverlites crossed the dangerous Barron Sea or headed for the Land of Gargath.
Ert: Oh shut the fuck up. Stop trying to pretend that you know how to world build. It takes more than fantasy sounding names.
Nora: But Barron Sea!
Some even say that they all were captured and executed by Kalence just before the end of the war, however there is no evidence to show of their whereabouts but it is said that if one of the great Silverlites should ever come back to Hyrule, the land would be blessed with protection and propensity.
Ert: We said this for no real reason, other than to make Jenna even more of a special snowflake than she already was.
Goeth: Which was actually possible, to the dismay of many.
“The stories also state that if a “Silverlite” should ever return to Hyrule, the land would be blessed with peace and prosperity.” Zelda’s gaze fell on me, her expression warm yet serious. “I’m not too sure if you could be a descended of the Silverlites, but one thing is sure, you are an elemental user.” Zelda said her eyes reflecting the glow of the fire still burning in my hands.
Ert: Well the land was already propsering. Or is Jenna arrogant enough to walk into an already function Kingdom and say that it was all because of her? (Please don’t push me that far story)
“I think we should continue the training of your powers, Jenna.” “We need to make sure you can fully control the elements.” I nodded in agreement but one thought flashed into my mind. “Zelda my friend, I have one question.”
Nora: Why did my parents never tell me that they had powers? *Gets hit* Because shut up, gotcha.
“I just thought of something, you said that my parents transferred their powers to me when I was conceived, but what about our son?” “Do you think its possible that Link jr. might have acquired the powers as well?” I said as Link looked at me with shock. “I never thought of that…yes it might just be possible.” “But he may still be too young to tell.” “Even though if that is possible, the thought of Silverlites still existing is one of the greatest things to happen to Hyrule.”
Goeth: Because somehow their mere existence will bring a vaguely defined prosperity about. Even though the country has been doing unreasonably well, even though it just had a war and just came out of foreign occupation.
Ert: And a one Sue invasion.
Then Zelda’s gaze shifted to Link. “You truly have a very special wife Link.” “A possible descended of the great Silverlites.” Zelda said happily.
I watched as Link’s gaze shifted to me. His powerful arms embraced me as his gentle lips kissed mine. For a moment I was in another world as Link’s gentle kiss warmed my soul. And I knew at that moment, that even if I was one of the Silverlites, Link would always be with me, always be at my side.
Nora: Why wouldn’t he be?
Ert: False drama that forgot to be false drama.
I looked into Link’s eyes one last time then looked back to Zelda. The fire danced in my hand as if it was alive, causing her expression to change into a happy one. I giggled as I did tricks with my new found power. I was now more then I had become. I became something different. Some one of great power and of legend.
Goeth: You need to do something of note to be of legend.
Ert: And be something people will actually talk about.
It was later determined that I was a descended
of the great Silverlite race. My powers were
of the great elements. I was trained under Zelda
and I became someone of great power. Now I’m
one of Hyrule’s most powerful protectors, here to
help the “Hero of Time” my love, protect the land from
evil. Under the training of the Sages, I became one
of the Sacred Realm, the one chosen by the Goddesses
to protect the Legendary Triforce
(Mary Sue Counter: 25)
Nora: Just one thing after another. Marry’s Link, will get Zelda passed over for the throne, gets super powers, and now she’s Hyrule’s most important guardian. Because of a stupid fairy tale and vaguely defined passing on of powers.
Ert: God…when will this fucking story end!