1590: My Immortal 2: Wake me up Inside – Chapters Six, Seven, Eight, and Nine… Ten?Posted: November 13, 2016
Title: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside
Author: Unknown/Fake Tara
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Romance, Parody
Critiqued by Angie
Hey bastards! I have returned to everyone’s favorite fanfiction, My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside. (AKA, the sekwel that wasn’t really a sekwel.)
If you didn’t bother to read the first riff, you haven’t missed much. Ebony yelled abracadabra at Voldemort, Britney got the credit, Ebony and Draco got in a fight for no reason, and Ebony and B’loody Mary went to a Fall Out Boy concert.
And that’s what you missed on ‘The Hour of Torture’.
Also, Hiraani wakes up from her coma in this riff! So…good on her?
Again. TRIGGER WARNINGS. DEATH, SUICIDE, ETC ETC ETC. Enjoy!
AN: Y da fuk r u al bng meen 2 me. U gt noider wat its ik bng goff, u fukn prepz!!1 Jst fuk off!!111 Y cnt u tak me sireusly? Im a jok 2 u r u. den fuk off!! Raven, I so fukn mis u, y didu hav2 hng urslf.
Here we go again…yeah, as you would think, I have a lot of crappy jokes to use on a crappy fanfiction. First) It’s not a fucking phase, mom! Second) This isn’t really a joke, but I really hate when people make fun of people with suicidal tendencies. It really grinds my gears.
Me & Bloody Mayr wnt in2 da tolet gt out of our we bgan psh agnst ech othr. I flt hr swet on my skn.
“Hu neds guys wen we hv ech othr, c told me.
I swear to god, if this fanfic turns into a chick flick….
Well, to be fair, it would be a better story than this fanfic is giving us.
HEY JEFFREY, WOULD YOU READ A SLASH FICTION BETWEEN EBONY AND B’LOODY MARY???
Jeffrey: PROBABLY NOT, WHY?
“I fukn hat Droco”, I ylded sixily, “I bt he is chetn onme by hvng it wif Vampire. Hes dne it bfor”.
I could be wrong, but, no he didn’t? I’m fairly certain Draco was a loyal boyfriend to Ebony. *checks my History of My Immortal textbook* Yeah, I was right. Carry on.
We den sat dwn nd listnd 2 sum GC whle sltn our rist. Den aftr dat, we den wnt bck 2 our roms.
*checks the doors again* They’re locked, right? With the special keycode? And my guard dogs? Hah! The DRD won’t get me this time!
On our way, we sw Draco wth dat slut, Paris. He wuz wearn prepz clthin.
“U BASTED!!11” I yled sucacidally. “FUK OFF”.
Basted. That’s a word I haven’t heard since…well…The Aristocats. Thanks for reminding me that that’s a word. I don’t know what I would have done without this information. Thank god, praise the lord, yaddah yaddah yaddah, let’s move on.
He den wnt 2 da boys tolets, mst likly 2 hav sexs.
*stares at my desk sadly for a moment* You know…I just…I honestly have no words. There are no words that could describe the pain I feel at this very moment.
Wile we wlkd bck 2 our roms, we gt anothr detenton frm Mr Noris. Dat basted mst fukn di fr wat he put me thru!!11.
I will never ever get over the ‘Mr. Norris and his cat Filth’ trope of the My Immortal saga. All I wish is for someone to end my suffering. Please. I will pay you to kill me. Not, like. I don’t know. Just Tom and Jerry style. Hit me with a frying pan.
AN: Im a goff, cuz u dnt no wat u r tlkin abut.
I…I’m just going to tell you that sentence once more, just to make sure you’re paying attention. I’m a goth, because you don’t know what you are talking about. I am a GOTH, because you DON’T KNOW what you are TALKING ABOUT. I AM A——FUCKING DUMBASS. YOU ARE A FUCKING DUMBASS. GOD DAMNIT.
Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just so glad that nothing has been really “headdesk” worthy so far.
AN: Stp flming me, u prepz!!11 Fuk u als Justin, u tretd me lik sht 4 lung!!1 Thnk 2 my sis 4 da spnsh stff
*sits there for a moment, defeated* I…one moment please.
Da nxt day, I wok up frm my coffn, whch hd blud red covern, iv chnged it cuz I gt bred of my old 1.
Okay. That’s all fine and good, but here’s my question.
Seriously, I mean…I’m gonna go ask Google how much it takes to buy the average coffin.
*leaves for a few moments, returns*
Okay, so, the average coffin cost is somewhere in the 6,000’s. To put that in perspective of the Harry Potter universe, that’s 830 galleons. How rich is Ebony? Or did the guy from Hot Topic just give her the coffin because she’s hot? Either way, she’s a Mary Sue, and either way, it’s sinful as fuck.
Jeffrey: GOD DAMNIT, WHAT?
YOU KNOW HOW HIRAANI IS BASICALLY DYING BECAUSE OF LACK OF FOOD?
Jeffrey: YEAH, IF YOU COULD FEED US THAT’D BE GREAT.
NAH. BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME PICK OUT A COFFIN FOR HER?
THANKS JEFF YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE WHEN I NEED YOU.
Jeffrey: JESUS CHRIST, YOU’RE MORBID.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
I gt changd into a blck shrt skrt wth red stps, nd da GC top I gut frm da cncert I wnt 2. I putt on a blc tigt lethr jckit, and sum lng biits dat wnt up 2 my nees. My har wuz al mst up, nd I hd blck mke up on. I hd blud red ey cntacks on.
I’m sure this is all going to matter a shit ton at some point in the story. At least, I’m hoping.
we hd a nu techr. He wuz relly hot nd he spke rely god spnish. Je lokd alut lik Joel frm GC!!
Um…I think Lyle said it best on this one. I’m pretty sure Joel Madden isn’t someone anyone would consider hot. And I seriously doubt, correct me if I’m wrong, that he speaks Spanish. *gets attacked by Good Charlotte fans*
Ooooh. I could go for a burrito right now…fuck, that reminds me. HEY JEFF.
Jeffrey: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT?!
TELL HIRAANI TO STOP BEING OVERDRAMATIC AND WAKE THE FUCK UP.
Jeffrey: SHE’S BEEN IN A COMA FOR EIGHT DAYS.
I DON’T LIKE YOUR TONE, YOUNG MAN. DO YOU WANT ME TO COME DOWN THERE?
Jeffrey: I MEAN, SURE.
*mumbles something about unpaid interns, grabs keys and walks down stairs to dungeon, opens door and walks over to Hiraani*
Hey. *slaps Hiraani until she wakes up* Good. Now stop complaining. I’ll bring you lobster sooner or later.
*locks door and walks back upstairs to desk*
Where were we?
“Hopla nnos, cmo eta ustd esa nchi. Mi nombre es vandersleld paro ustd pude todo lamida yo Sombra. Apremderemos hay sbre pesidilas”, he tld us.
I would give an Approximate Translation™, but I don’t think that’s Spanish. More like some made up language. Jeksksbjaapqunafvkaoz.
He spke so sexy dat I almst hd a orgnisb.
I’m not surprised. Let’s see what else might give our Fake-Tara-Mary-Sue an orgasm. Ooh, look! My Kermit the Frog coffee mug! *Ebony has an orgasm* Wow, look! A used matchstick I found in my garbage can! *Ebony has an orgasm* JOEL MADDEN!!! Oh, shit…Ebony exploded…carry on, I suppose?
We begn 2 wrk. He wuz der 2 rplace dat pervat Lupun.
So this is either Vampire’s third or fourth year. Which means Ebony is…wow! A whopping four years older than Vampire! Things that make you go hmmm.
“Heso hot”, sad Blody Matry.
“Iso wun2 go out wif him, I sadi. I ddnt cuz Draco hd jsut chetd on me wif dat slut Bitney.
…which B’loody Mary is fully aware of, which means there is absolutely no reason why Ebony would need to lie and say she also wanted to go out with Professor Joel Madden. Legitimately no reason at all. I just. *screams into a pillow*
So we wnt awy 2 our rum 2 slt our ristz, wile lisnin to da lng Lif & def by GC (if yu dunt no wat sng dat is, den fuk off!!1).
They just…left the classroom. Apparently Professor Madden just didn’t care? Like, at all? WHAT KIND OF TEACHER IS THIS GUY?!
AN: Dunt fukn flam me!!1 Da reson y my wrtn nt god at dat momnt is dat my profredr is died. I cunt do anifing abut dan!! Raven, Ido dis 4 u. RIP 1992-2008
First of all, honey, your writing wasn’t good even before your teacher died. Second of all, AGAIN WITH THE SUICIDE JOKES??? Jesus FUCKING Christ.
Chapter 8: The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You
Get it? It’s a SONG. LOL I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF WHAT A GREAT PUN THAT HAS FUCKING NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY, AMEN.
AN: Dnt fukn flame me u prepz!!11 Dis is 4 u Raven RIP 1992-2008.
This author just kinda gave up on trying to write original Author’s Notes that resemble Tara Gillesbie’s. Even their typos were already used in previous Author’s Notes. This person just has NO originality. At least My Immortal kind of has a point to its existence. This just comes from nothing.
*smacks the fic with my History of My Immortal book* Get it right!
Da nxt clas, dmbldor calld me up 2 his ofice. He wuz dis tiem wering a MCR top (dat fukn poser).
“Dis is vry importnant stuf Enoby”, he tlled me. “Smap nd Lupim hs escabe. Day wll b tukn 4 u. U r in fanger”.
Wait…what? Was there a plot point I missed? Okay, so maybe they’re in Azkaban, but how would they escape? Or were they in St. Mongo’s?
*sigh* This is…this is just awful. The only way they could make this fanfic worse is if they brought back that part in the first one with Lupin and Snape filming Ebony nak—-
“Dey bettr nt tri n tak pics of me nakd agan. I dunt wnted 2 be lik da slut pasis. I dunt wnt aex taps of me on da net”, I ylled foffikly.
I…I don’t even…*headdesk* SHUT UP. JUST SHUT. UP. GODDAMN, CAN’T YOU GIVE YOUR POOR READERS A GODDAMN BREAK? *headdesk* *headdesk* Look, listen. *grabs HoMI book and smacks fic over the head with it* Learn a thing or two! Show signs of some brain cells!
“Cam dwn, Ebobyu. Al u hve 2 do is kep a klow cober, cuz snaop and lupn can b lukn anywer”, dubldork said 2 me sucidaly.
“Gret”, I yled sixely, “I nw hav pervrts aftr me, grest”.
I’m gonna have to ask Lyle if I can borrow the twins on this one…. I understood MAYBE five words from those two sentences.
I ran bak 2 da commnrum nd slopd my rst wil listning 2 Hold On by GC. Al I wnted 2 do wuz kil myslf. I deicded 2 bed. But wen I gt my rum, I saw Smape der.
I seriously thought for fifteen good seconds that Ebony was addicted to rum. Hell, maybe she mixes it with human blood. I wouldn’t put it past this person to write something that stupid.
Bloody Mayr wuz der bt c wuz dead. I sw al thes bum wunds on her bdy.
“Di u mothrfukr”, I yled at snpe.
How sad. May B’loody Mary’s spirit live on forever. Something something something. Can we get these last two chapters done?
AN: Don’t fukn rport me us posers!!11
But I’m so tempted! *almost clicks the ‘Report’ button* No, I can’t…I must continue my riff…I must! It is my duty as a self hating asshole!
Chapter 9: Chapter 10.
I don’t know whether this was a mistake in this guy’s writing, or if Chapter 9 is called Chapter 10. I wouldn’t put it against this guy.
AN: Y dnt u bliev dat it is relly me? Is it cuz dar so mny poser hu fink dat dey can btend 2 b me? Cuz Im da reel Tara.
No, I believe you. I really do. I really do believe this is the real Tara. I swear. I promise. *headdesk*
Sexly, Sombre cam in nd jickd Smap ut of da windo. Snap yled sucidally as he fel 2 da flor.
I’m not even going to say what’s wrong with that sentence. Let’s just say, if you have an IQ over -50, you can probably figure it out.
“Cum wif me, Sombre tld me saxily.
Ummm…no thanks? That doesn’t sound appealing.
So I folo hm 2 Dumblidarks ofist. Wen I gt der, I sw Dunblidorf penixs. It wuz red nd hot.
Dumbledore! Get your ass down to Saint Mangas, fast!
Dumblidor wnt up 2 me. He wuz woryd.
“I is nt saf 4 u 2 b hre. Infct it is nt saf 4 any1 2 b here now. Dis skool must b lose dwn”, he tld every1 in da offise.
Okay, that’s fine. But why is he naked? What’s the point? Honestly?!
Pro Gondagol smild. Dat bitch wnted dis skool dwn 4 ages. Fugde lukd hppy. He did nt hav 2 deel wif da skol anymor, so dat wuz gud 4 him. Hanrid wuz sad. He luvd dis skool so mch.
OOC ALERT. OOC ALERT.
*headdesks to stop the alarm* There we go.
All I wnted 2 do wuz go 2 my room nd slit my rist. I cudnt bar it. I nu I hd 2 go home…
Hmmm…for some reason, I’m getting a strange case of deja vu.
Yeah, this is the exact same thing she’s been saying THIS ENTIRE GODDAMNED FIC.
Chapter 10: I am a big FAT troll
You??? A big FAT troll? No! Never! I never would’ve guessed! Ever!
Authors Note: This is not Tara. I have hacked into her account, and I will rather keep my name secret, fearing that a crazy goff/emo kid might murder me. Enjoy.
I actually do enjoy that line. The oooooooo911oooooooo. That’s one Good Noodle star on the board. Although, since you now have 3,219 Bad Noodle stars, I’m afraid that doesn’t make much of a difference.
Suddenly Dumbledore decided to get rid of the evil Enoby once and for all.
Wait, who’s telling the story? Fic…come back! No! Where are you going?! I don’t understand you!
“Let us cut our wrist”, he told everyone in the office. “Here is a knife that I have convenently have on me”.
Enoby could not wait to cut herself. So she quickly ran up to Dumbledore and grapped the knife out of his hand. Like in an epic scene in a movie, in which in all the trailers have in them, Enoby cut her wrist. Suddenly, she dropped dead.
Everyone begins to sing, “Yay, the Goff is dead”.
Yay! Aww, fic, you’ve been so good today! Here’s two Good Noodle stars for you.
So after this event, it was discovered the all the sex scenes in the first story was all in Enobys head, and that the sex in Chapter 3 was Enoby forcing Draco to have sex.
Again, because blue. And also, random plot twist!
Snape and Lupin were not sex addicts, but trying to prove that Enoby was illegally cutting herself and being Goff, which was illegal within the wizardry community, for it was to muggle like.
I was about to ask what in the hell that means because I literally have no idea. But then I realised I don’t care.
This was however was proven when Enoby cut herself, and died.
Oh god…oh no! *barricades all the doors* Please, please no!
Bloody Gothic Rose 666 renamed themselves I Love My Life, and they began to sing Preppy songs instead of Goffic songs, which wasn’t a real genre in the first place.
I love how self aware this chapter suddenly became. I’m actually fairly grateful. This chapter is actually pretty decent.
Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy never played at Hogwarts, but instead was in Enobys head, which all her so called friends played along to keep her happy.
*calmly gets up and grabs the HoMI, flips to page 471*
Oh, where is it…ah, yes. *slams the book* THEY DIDN’T PLAY AT HOGWARTS. IT WAS AT HOGSMEADE, YOU DUMBASS. *clears throat, puts book away* Proceed.
They were afraid that she would killed herself if she found out.
If she’s schizophrenic, which is basically what this paragraph is implying, she wouldn’t ever find out it wasn’t real. Trust me. I’m a doctor.
And to end this story, lets have a Britney Spears song be played over the credits:
Oh baby baby How was I supposed to know that somethin’ wasn’t right here oh baby baby I shouldn’t have let you go And now you’re out of sight, yeah Show me how you want it to be tell me baby ’cause I need to know now oh, because My loneliness Is killing me (and I) I must confess I still believe (still believe) When I’m not with you I lose my mind give me a sign hit me baby one more time
Okay…listen. I need to tell you something that I know from experience. Don’t. Put. Song. Lyrics. In. Fics. If it’s on the radio, or at a concert, it’s a little more forgivable. But seriously? Putting it in for no goddamn reason? Give SOME kind of reason behind your actions! If you expect people to be interested in your fanfiction, you have to make sure you know how to keep a story flowing without adding in random things just to fill up the Word Count. It doesn’t matter how long or short your fanfiction is, just as long as you can tell your story and tell it well.
But also, I do get that this is a joke fanfiction. That doesn’t mean you can crap out whatever you want and hope people read it. That’s not the point of fanfiction. Fanfiction is expanding upon the idea the original creator made. I hope I helped.
Also. *stabs you in the stomach and hits you in the back of the head with the HoMI* That’s for being a fuckface, you fuckface.
Disclamer: I do not own any of this stuff, not even Enoby (pulls a sad faces).
Hon…no one should be sad that they don’t own Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. Please don’t feel bad about that.
Feel bad that you’re wasting your life writing this goddamn stupid ass fanfiction instead of doing something useful to the world! Like ripping your fanfiction apart! See how the world goes round?
Ah, well. I feel that I may need to head off until next time, when we tackle the next few chapters of My Immortal: The Sekwel. I’ve probably got to go to the hospital…those headdesks will get to you.
Jeffrey: HIRAANI SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO THE HOSPITAL, TOO. I MEAN I GET HOW YOU WOULD ASSUME SHE’S FINE BU—
SHUT THE FUCK UP.