1585: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter Two

Title: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL
Author: DarkDoomFireMaster
Media:  Video Game
Topic: Sonic the Hedgehog
Genre: Drama/Romance
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Lyle and Koori

Hello, everyone!  I know I said I would do an alternating update with my riffs and would be back with the next chapter of “A Daughter” this week but… well… there is no next chapter of “A Daughter.”  The author hasn’t updated yet.  So we get more high school level drama about a cartoon hedgehog’s testicular itch.  Weee ha ha.

Koori:  And to think I’m giving up B-ranked missions to sit here and help you with this.

You chose to be here so stop complaining and get the tea, intern.

Koori:  Yes ma’am!  *pulls out a sealed scroll and summons the steaming tea pot*  Today I bring us a fragrant jasmine with hints of lotus.

You’re getting fancy in your tea making.

Koori:  Kanai-san is teaching me some of the family recipes.  Next week we’re going to hold a traditional green tea ceremony for anyone in the Library who is interested in attending.

That sounds like fun.  Count me in.  Anyway, you pour the tea and I’ll do the recap.

In chapter 1, Sonic attended his English class where his teacher violated student confidentially by reading a private journal entry out of Sonic’s notebook, revealing to a group of teenaged anthromorphes that Sonic has clinical-level testicle itch issues.  Naturally, everyone is a giant ass about it to him since he’s in high school, including his girlfriend.  The only one that’s still decent to him is Tails.  So, despite all the suck that is this story, the author is doing something right by having a best friend sticking up for a character during the typical ridicule high school often involves.

*slides a cookie through the monitor to DDFM*

Oh, I’m also almost 100% certain DDFM is a troll.  This story is almost too over the top weird and bad to be a serious work.  Either that, or DDFM loves them some crack-fic.  How’s that tea coming?

Koori:  Ready! *hands Lyle her tea cup*

Chapter 2: The Prom

Oh, this is going to go well.

Koori:  What’s “prom?”

You have a smart phone.  Google it.

Koori:  Uhm… I may have dropped it into Barty’s tank last week when we were working on his flaming hoop jump…

… I thought you had one of those new water-proof phones just for that reason.

Koori:  Yes, but, well.   *clears her throat*  Barty thought I was tossing him a treat and ate it.

… *sighs and hands Koori her phone*  Prom is a formal dance for high school kids.  Now use this to call the phone insurance line – it’s in the favorites section of the contacts list – and see if they cover accidental shark ingestion.

Koori: *fiddles with the phone*

The rest of the day for Sonic was awful! So bad it was that Sonic went home and went right to the bathroom and took a big poop. It was a mad poop because it went out fast. It shooted out of his butthole so fast that it was like a gun shooting. His poop stunk so much that even the neighbors could smell it and they all had a meeting at night about what to do about it and they decided that they would just put fans on outside and if it really started to smell again they would do something else.

wtfamireadingKoori:  Umino Koori.

*glances at Koori; she’s on the phone*

Koori:  Umino Koori.  No.  K-o-o-r-i.  It’s Japanese.  Yes, I can speak it.  No.  No.  Listen, a shark ate my phone, will you guys replace it?  No, I’m not joking.  *to Lyle*  Do we have our policy number available?

*Lyle rifles through a desk draw and hands Koori a slip of paper*  Should be that number there.

Anyway, after that brain numbing bowel movement…

So Sonic pooped and went up to his room and shouted into his pillow “I hate everything!”. Sonic shouted loud and he heard a knock at his door.

“What is wrong Sonic,” asked Sonic’s Mom.

“Nothing said Sonic,” said Sonic.

“Okay just keep it down because I am trying to watch the t-v.” said Sonic’s Mom to Sonic and left without saying anything else.

Well, that added a lot to the prose.  And I love how “sonic’s mom” is capitalized as if that’s her actual name.

Sonic was in his room still so he looked out to the window and saw Tails flying there with this flying tails.

No, Sonic isn’t on acid. That’s canon.  Tails can use his double-tails like he’s some sort of furry helicopter.

“Sonic are you ok,” asked Tails. “I was worried about you, Sonic.” Sonic was less mad because Tails was always nice and smart and didn’t care that Sonic left his Porns around his room so he could think about kissing and doing sex on Amy when he wasn’t with Amy. “Please be happy,” said Tails. “Are you there?”

Is Tails not looking into the window at Sonic while he’s talking to him?  Is he just spouting off without even knowing if Sonic is there to hear him?  Usually if you check on someone, you find out if they’re even there to hear you first.  I mean, he can fly.  Why doesn’t he just tap on the window and look inside?  If Sonic can see him, there is obviously nothing blocking the view.

Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but usually someone who is masturbating to porn isn’t thinking about their significant other while doing so.  They’re thinking about whatever they’re watching/reading/looking at.

Koori:  Barty is a great white.  What does it matter what type of shark he is? …  What? …  Yes, I know him. … What?  No!  I did not give him permission to eat my phone! … You want a shark to sign an affidavit that it was an accidental consumption?  And how do you propose we get a fish to sign paperwork underwater?

Uh.  Let’s just keep going.  *sips her tea*

Sonic went to the window and opened the window. Sonic grabbed Tails and put him on the bed because Sonic is strong too.

Whoa.  We went from talking about Sonic’s porn to Sonic manhandling Tails onto his bed-

*Porn music blares over the intercom*

Koori: *covering the mouthpiece with her hand*  I’M ON THE PHONE!

*music cuts off abruptly*

Koori:  Thank you.  *uncovers the mouthpiece*  Sorry about that.  Do continue.  …  No, I can’t just give him a laxative.  …  Do you have any idea how shark anatomy works?  … Obviously, you didn’t go to school to be a zoologist.  … No.  … No, it wasn’t an insult.  I was repeating what you said. … That’s entirely beside the point.

“This day was the worst,” said Sonic. “Everyone thinks I am a gay loser all because I gave them my journal.” Sonic cried a little and Tails put his hand under his face to catch his tears. Tears can stain a carpet.

Uh, what?  No, they can’t.

Also, I went off on you about this last time, author, but *smacks the author with a random notebook sitting on her desk*  Stop using that word in a derogatory fashion!

Tails hugged Sonic and said, “I am always here for u. The prom is tonight also.”

I think Tails is about to ask Sonic to the prom.

Koori:  It doesn’t matter if you try to send a scuba diver in to Barty’s tank so he can sign the paperwork.  It’s paper!  It will dissolve in the water!  Plus Barty will just eat the agent you send. … What?  No, that’s not a threat!  It’s a fact!  He’s a man-eating jumping shark!  … No, that’s not a species.  I already told you he’s a great white, but his job is to be a man-eating jumping shark!  … I don’t see why that would be a consideration in this claim.  Hold on, I’ll ask.  *sighs and puts her hand on the mouthpiece again*  Does Barty get paid for being a man-eating jumping shark?

Not in currency.  It’s an exchange of services.  He eats DRD agents and jumps the plot in exchange for room and board.  Did you need me to talk to them?

Koori:  No, I’ve got this.  *puts the phone back up to her mouth*  He gets free room and board for services.

“Wow I forgot” said Sonic. Sonic ran to his closet fast and pulled out his prom uniform (its a tuxedo) and put it on faster. “Is our limo here yet Tails?” said Sonic while looking at Tails.

I do believe they are going to prom together.  This certainly went in a direction I was not expecting.

“Yes,” said Tails right back.

“Let’s go,” and Sonic went outside with Tails who was also in prom clothing and they went outside and got in the limo.

“The limo is broken,” said the limo driver who looked like a person but darker colored.

The fuck does that mean?  Did we just cross over into High Racist Asshat territory, author?

Sonic and Tails got out of the limo and asked the limo driver if they could fix it. “Nope the limo is broken eternally,” said the limo Driver. So Sonic grabbed Tails’s hand and said “Let’s go,” and ran all the way to the prom which was on an island called “Ghost Island.”

That sounds like the opening to a bad summer slasher movie.

“This place is scary,” said Tails. Ghost Island was really scary. It was shaped like a skull, and everything looked like it was dead. Sonic looked at Tails.

The prom committee really dropped the ball this year on picking a venue.

Koori:  What do you mean the policy doesn’t cover accidental ingestion by a coworker?!  Barty isn’t a coworker!  … By what definition?  … No.   No.  You’re not listening.  I don’t get paid to be here so I’m not an employee!  … Contract?  I didn’t sign a contract.  … How does that exempt me from coverage?!

*glances at Koori*  …That doesn’t sound like it’s going well.  *taps a few buttons on her desk*

“Yeah it is.” Said Sonic.

“Why would the put the prom on this island,” said Tails. “I don’t see anyone else from the school here.”

Tails and Sonic were both worried about it all. Sonic and Tails walked forward and there was a Haunted House. Sonic and Tails went into the Haunted House and it was spooky. Sonic saw a ghost and Tails saw a mummy. There was a man laughing.

Sounds a lot like the carnival haunted houses they pull on 18-wheelers.  OoooooOOooooOOooo.

*the door to the office opens and Lina pops her head in*

Lina:  You rang?

Come on in and just observe this for a moment.  *jerks her thumb at Koori on the phone*

Koori:  No, I don’t want to sign the Library up for specialized Shark Ingestion of Electronic Devices coverage!  … Because you already said it’s covered!  … We need that in order to cover non-paid personnel?  That doesn’t make any sense. … Okay, now I know you’re just making shit up.

Lina:  Whatsis?  *nods toward Koori*

Barty ate her phone and, from what I can gather, the insurance is refusing to pay for a new one even though I’m pretty sure it’s in our policy.  *pulls a five-inch thick book bound in human flesh from her desk*  They sent us this when we signed up.  *hands it to Lina*

Lina:  *flips it to the index*  Gimme a second here.

“Ha ha ha, Sonic and Tails, now you are both here and fallen right into my trap,” said the man laughing. The man looked like a fat immature gay. It was Eggman.

The hell kind of description is that?!  I’ve already beaten the author about his bigoted terminology so I’m just going to use this instead, since I don’t want to beat the dead horse.

*taps a buzzer on the desk*

Troll be a Bigot: 3

I think that count will cover the last two chapters well enough.

Lina:  Did Barty ever sign a contract with us?

He’s a shark.  Of course he didn’t.

Lina:  What about Perky McNinja?

Yes; I had her sign the standard unpaid intern agreement so she could still get covered under our medical insurance should the respawn not work properly.  Not that she’s ever been killed, but it was just a precaution.

Lina:  *nods absently and flips a page* ‘kay.

“Eggman why you’re here,” asked Sonic and shouted at Eggman. “Are you here for the Chaos Emeralds!”

If he’s on Ghost Island, my guess is that he’s there for prom.  Is he wearing a cummerbund?

Sonic shook his fists at Eggman and Tails ran at him but what an idiot he was because a cage fell down from the top of the sky and trapped Tails. “You are doomed now,” said Egg man. “Welcome to a graveyard of you.”

Eggman contracts with the PCC for his traps, I see.

Koori:  Last Saturday.  … Yes, the 29th.  … Holiday?  What Holiday? … International Internet Day is not a holiday!  You can’t exempt my coverage because of some bogus holiday!

Lina:  *flips a couple more pages, frowning*

*sighs*

Sonic was shocked but did not run forward because he did not want to get caught too but what if Eggman did not have another cage? Sonic did not know so he went to the side into a different room. This room was smaller and had carpets and wallpaper. It was still scary though.

Terrifying.

Terrifying.

Wait, if they’re inside, how did the cage fall from the sky?

Sonic said “I need to find a way out and to save Tails,” and he walked into a door that was on the next wall.

*snort*

“Next thing,” said Sonic, and he came out of the room into the same room he was in. “This is a Haunted House so you always come back to the same place,” said Sonic thinking of famous saying he saw once on the wall of a Walgreens where it was written.

Eggman laughed and pointed at Sonic, “I kissed Amy and now you can never date her again because I am going to do sex to her tonight.”

Yes, because once you “do sex” with someone, they can never “do sex” with anyone else every again.

readimage

“No, this cannot be real,” said Sonic. Sonic knew that he had to do something but what.

I have the feeling it will involve running really fast, since that’s sort of how Sonic solves all of his problems.

Well, that’s it for this week everyone.  Join me next time when-

Koori:  No!  You’re not listening!  Do you get paid to keep people on the phone for a long time-

Lina:  Gimme this.  *reaches over and snags the phone from Koori*  Hello, this is Lina Tepes.  … Yes.  … Yep. … Look under your permissions, I’m there. … Before you continue that, let me just interrupt you for a brief moment.  It clearly states in section 23.6.5, article 18, paragraph 3 that all interns are allotted one free replacement phone every six months regardless of reason due to the nature of the position they are required to fill.  Section 84-B, article 6, paragraph 4 states that if a phone is lost or damaged during the course of an intern’s normal duties – in this case, Koori is required to maintain the training of creature that falls under the category “exotic pet” in Section 16 since he is, as we have stated, a shark and not employable under the definitions laid out in Section 95 – you are required to reimburse the total original retail cost of the phone or replace it with an identical model so long as it is reported within two weeks of the loss, which is has.  Furthermore, when we are through with this transaction, I would like to speak with your manager regarding how you have broken a provision in Section 12 that protects the Library from falling under jurisdiction of national holidays as we are a non-euclidean entity that exists outside your realm of reality.  Either that, or you can expect Bubbles the Darkwraith on your doorstep in the next twenty-four hours.  Your choice, poppet.

Koori:  *stares at Lina then looks at Lyle*  What juts happened?

Lina has spent a number of years dealing with insurance companies.

Lina:  *puts her hand over the mouthpiece*  Having a werewolf for a son-in-law leads to certain monthly damages.  Once you know how to read the policies and talk to these people, it’s a piece of cake.  Give me another ten minutes and I’ll get you a free upgrade.

Until next time, patrons!

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61 Comments on “1585: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter Two”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    The rest of the day for Sonic was awful! So bad it was that Sonic went home and went right to the bathroom and took a big poop. It was a mad poop because it went out fast. It shooted out of his butthole so fast that it was like a gun shooting. His poop stunk so much that even the neighbors could smell it and they all had a meeting at night about what to do about it and they decided that they would just put fans on outside and if it really started to smell again they would do something else.

    Then he titled it SONIC HIGH SCHOOL and posted it on FanFiction.net

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    “The limo is broken,” said the limo driver who looked like a person but darker colored.

    The fuck does that mean? Did we just cross over into High Racist Asshat territory, author?

    That, or the limo is being driven by Nyarlathotep.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    “This is a Haunted House so you always come back to the same place,” said Sonic thinking of famous saying he saw once on the wall of a Walgreens where it was written.

    There’s a haunted Wallgreens?

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    Eggman laughed and pointed at Sonic, “I kissed Amy and now you can never date her again because I am going to do sex to her tonight.”

    Yes, because once you “do sex” with someone, they can never “do sex” with anyone else every again.

    Wait, but then how would Robotnik even be able to…

    You know what, never fucking mind.

  5. GhostCat says:

    “Nothing said Sonic,” said Sonic.

    :alarms blare:

    Oh, dear.

  6. GhostCat says:

    Sonic was less mad because Tails was always nice and smart and didn’t care that Sonic left his Porns around his room so he could think about kissing and doing sex on Amy when he wasn’t with Amy.

    If Tails is a young heterosexual male, he probably sees the ready access to porn as a bonus. The one who would have a problem with that situation would be Sonic’s Mom.

  7. BatJamags says:

    “Nothing said Sonic,” said Sonic.

    *Alarms blare*

    And you thought this wasn’t first-person narration.

    *Headshotted in the head*

  8. GhostCat says:

    Tails hugged Sonic and said, “I am always here for u. The prom is tonight also.”

    Sudden prom is sudden, must be one of those stealth proms everyone’s talking about.

    • BatJamags says:

      In fact, the ninjas are having one of those right now. *Gestures to stealth decorations*

      You can’t see them dancing because they’re ninjas.

      • Syl says:

        Kanna is a shoo-in for Prom Queen; some dear trusting soul put me in charge of the ballot box.

      • BatJamags says:

        They must be new here.

      • agigabyte says:

        *Agent redacted scoffs mysteriously*

        Agent [REDACTED]: As if the ninjas could possibly hope to match the Agency’s Stealth Proms. Unlike Agent [CLASSIFIED], Kanna didn’t even get voted as Prom Queen officially.

        Geronimo: And how many of the Agents attending were actual characters, rather than extensions of your will.

        *Agent [REDACTED] sputters mysteriously*

  9. BatJamags says:

    That sounds like the opening to a bad summer slasher movie.

    I could be watching a bad summer slasher movie right now.

  10. GhostCat says:

    “Welcome to a graveyard of you.”

    All your graveyard belong to us.

  11. GhostCat says:

    “This is a Haunted House so you always come back to the same place,” said Sonic thinking of famous saying he saw once on the wall of a Walgreens where it was written.

    Walgreens must be very different in Crazy World.

  12. BatJamags says:

    You say this is a trollfic, but the Sonic fandom is fuckin’ weird, so I’m still a bit skeptical.

  13. BatJamags says:

    Also, who’s our insurance provider? I’ve got my volcano base on PCC-brand Shenanigan Insurance.

  14. Angie says:

    No, Sonic isn’t on acid.

    Well, someone’s on acid here. Mayhaps it’s DDFM?

    • Syl says:

      I had a refreshing glass of prussic acid with my cornflakes this morning, does that count?

      • Angie says:

        I think so. I don’t know.

      • GhostCat says:

        :flips through the Library’s massive HMIS binder:

        Let’s see … Prussic acid. “See: Hydrogen cyanide”. Okay, that sounds bad.

        :flips more pages:

        This says it’s super-dangerous, but nothing about it being a hallucinogen. Also, it would probably be a good idea to keep Syl away from open flames and large groups of people.

      • BatJamags says:

        But that’s no different from normal.

      • Syl says:

        [glomps BatJamags] I just want to be loved!

      • andiliteman says:

        I’ll get the fire extinguisher.

      • BatJamags says:

        Help.

      • GhostCat says:

        I think I’ll just go sit in the bunker for completely unrelated reasons.

      • Angie says:

        So Sonic pooped and went up to his room and shouted into his pillow “I hate everything!”. Sonic shouted loud and he heard a knock at his door.

        “What is wrong Sonic,” asked Sonic’s Mom.

        “Nothing said Sonic,” said Sonic.

        “Okay just keep it down because I am trying to watch the t-v.” said Sonic’s Mom to Sonic and left without saying anything else.

        *takes binder from Ghostie, flips through* What’s this about Big Lipped Alligators?

        Hiraani: *gives picture* Here.

        Oh fuck, I love that movie!

  15. andiliteman says:

    Sonic went to the window and opened the window. Sonic grabbed Tails and put him on the bed because Sonic is strong too.

    Am I the only one who imagines Tails making squeaky toy sounds while this happens?

  16. SC says:

    *Porn music blares over the intercom*

    Koori: *covering the mouthpiece with her hand* I’M ON THE PHONE!

    *Glasses and Shades awkwardly shut off the music*

    Glasses: …Whoops.

    Shades: Hope it wasn’t an important call…

  17. andiliteman says:

    “…a cage fell down from the top of the sky and trapped Tails.”

    I thought this was a troll fic before, but now I know beyond any doubt.

  18. andiliteman says:

    “This is a Haunted House so you always come back to the same place,” said Sonic thinking of famous saying he saw once on the wall of a Walgreens where it was written.

    Question 1) Why is this a famous saying and who said it?
    Question 2) Why the hell was it written on the wall in a Walgreens?

  19. Andiliteman says:

    Just had a strange revelation while going to the fridge: The narration says that Eggman is supposedly “Gay,” right? If that’s the case, what reason does he have to “do sex” to Amy besides out of spite for Sonic?


    This just got a whole lot more messed up than it already was.

  20. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    furry helicopter

    Sounds like a really convoluted sexual maneuver

  21. So we get more high school level drama about a cartoon hedgehog’s testicular itch. Weee ha ha.

    Cain: …No. I have to do administrative activities.

    Dakota: And I have to do bureaucratic activities.

    agig: And I have to run some recruits through tac-sims.

    Sem: And I have to get back to the Vagueness Front.

    Geronimo: And I have to run some recruits through combat training.

    Diesel: And I have to meditate.

    Hulk: And I have to go buy more shipments of grenades.

    Bonus: And I have to pioneer Psionic techniques.

    Agent [REDACTED]: And I have to plan operations.

    *Agent [CLASSIFIED] stands next to Agent [REDACTED] affirmatively*

    Agent [INEXPLICABLE]: And I have to buy an unused feather duster and three rubber bands.

    Agent [GREY]: And I have to go on a date with DuFresne.

    Agent [BIRDBRAIN]: And I have to leave, five minutes after having finally gotten back from extended deployment, to go scope and drop some hostiles.

    DuFresne: And I have to go on a date with Julian.

    *A note appears, and starts speaking*

    Note: And I will simply not read this riff from my secure location, because I have no obligations to so and even I have standards. From Alexandria Dominguez, Goddess of Sniping.

    *The note spontaneously combusts*

    (And I just straight-up refuse to read this shit. -Monitor)

  22. agigabyte says:

    Koori: Umino Koori.

    *glances at Koori; she’s on the phone*

    Koori: Umino Koori. No. K-o-o-r-i. It’s Japanese. Yes, I can speak it. No. No. Listen, a shark ate my phone, will you guys replace it? No, I’m not joking. *to Lyle* Do we have our policy number available?

    *Lyle rifles through a desk draw and hands Koori a slip of paper* Should be that number there.

    Dakota: Is the insurance company really so inefficient that they don’t have protocols for these things? Our military insurance covers anything from “Crushed by impossibly strong soldier wearing yellow” to “Dropped into the Omnidimensional Void” to “Got stolen in a parking lot.”

    • BatJamags says:

      Or you could always get PCC-BRAND PLOT INSURANCE, brought to you by the PLOT CONTRIVANCE CORPORATION! Tired of having your phone eaten by trained sharks? Sick of having your building smashed in this week’s superpowered fist-fight? Then look no further than PCC-BRAND PLOT INSURANCE!

      Kane: You have exactly one second to stop talking.

      NOW, for a low, low price of only-

      Kane: You were warned.


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