1583: Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf – Chapters Six and Seven

Title: Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf
Author: KingAurthr2
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter / Lord of the Rings
Genre: Mystery/Adventure
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by The Wheel

Hello, I’m The Wheel, and welcome to the final installment of my riff on “Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf!”

Last time, Lupus, Saruman, and McGonagall arrived at Hogwarts, only to find that the names of the school houses were different in the past, in a blatant contradiction of canon. Lupus and McGonagall were sorted into “Buffalo Charge House,” which is apparently Gryffindor, while Saruman was put in the precursor to Slytherin, “Ghost Hand House,” which makes me think of the High Five Ghost on Regular Show. The next day, Lupus and McGonagall had a Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson with a teacher who turned out to be Moldermore (Voldemort’s father) in disguise. Moldermore tried to kill Lupus, but Lupus escaped and ran to Dumbledore’s office.

Chapter 6 Teling Dumbeldore

Insid Dsumbledore office it was drak only lighted up by candels and iside stood Dumbeldire his face was looks like it was thinking.

If J.K. Rowling were writing this story, she’d probably have Dumbledore say something wise so we knew what he was thinking about, but instead we just get “His face looked like it was thinking.”

And faces don’t really think; it was actually his brain that was thinking!

“Hello Dumbelfore I am prof Lupus I was attacked buy an evil man IT WAS MOULDERMORE he got inside the school you must help me!”

He still hasn’t spelled Dumbledore’s name right once, but at least he figured out what letter it starts with.

“Ok” said Dumbeldore “Where was he”

Dumbledore would not say “Okay.” It really grinds my gears that his delightfully idiosyncratic speeches from the original books have been reduced to this simplistic tripe.

“He was inside the office of the defense of drak arts” and so they wented into the office but Moldermort was gone! “Oh no” cryied Lupus

Why is he saying “Oh no?” If Moldermore is gone, isn’t that a good thing?

“Where is he he might come back for another attack” “Yes” agree Dumbeldore “I will put some gaurds on the doors so he cant get inside”

Why didn’t you do that before? You knew he wanted to attack the school!

“Ok” relpled Prof Lupus and so he went back to conmon room for sleeping. In the mording they had another lesson

Apparently students only had one class a day at that time.

this time it was Caer of Magikal Creatures with porfessor Hagrid.

*Headdesk*

When Lupin was at school in canon, Hagrid was only the groundskeeper. He didn’t become a teacher until the same year Lupin did. Back then, the Care of Magical Creatures teacher was Professor Kettleburn. On a more positive note, though, at least he finally spelled a character’s name right, six chapters in! Hopefully he’ll continue to spell Hagrid’s name correctly.

“Hello Hagrind” said Lupus and Saursman and McDongalol

Dammit!

“Hello kids” anwsered Hagrind “We must be care Moldrmore is on the lose!” “ok” said Lupus and so they sat down for teach and so it was a lseon about Werewolfs.

Finally getting to the main purpose of the story.

“A werewolf is dangerous beast it weill tear off your limps and fest on your skull” said Hagridn and then he said “ther was a werewolf spot inside the forbiden forest last night dont go in there”

Okay, first of all, I doubt Hagrid would say this. He rarely acknowledges that any beast is dangerous, and it’s been said that while Hagrid was at school, he attempted to raise werewolf cubs under his bed.

But if Hagrid did believe that werewolves were dangerous, he wouldn’t talk about them in a Care of Magical Creatures class, because Care of Magical Creatures is supposed to teach you how to care for friendly creatures, not avoid dangerous ones. This topic would be better suited for Defense Against the Dark Arts. So this entire conversation is impossible, just like every other component of this story.

and then Saurusman whispered to Lupus “we should go captuer the werewolf! then we can pass the class”

How will that help them pass the class? This is what Hagrid told them not to do. Also, I don’t think Saruman should be worried about passing the class yet; this is only the first lesson.

“ok” said Lupus “do Mc Dondgal want to come aswell?” “Yes” said Mcdongalol “Ok” and so they made the plan for fighing the werwolf. We will need a sliver dager for stabing him” said Lupus “yes” agree Suarman and so they went to Prof Snake’s lab to get some silver.

If Professor Snake is meant to be Professor Snape, then that’s wrong too. Snape is the same age as Remus and he should be a student in this story, not a teacher. Which is the exact opposite of Minerva McGonagall, who has gone from being a teacher to a student.

Chapter 7 Battel with Wolfman

At the Snake lab they wented inside and broked the dor wied open. Saurusman and professor lumpus and mcGdonalg took al the sliver from the lab it was about fiftee paieces.

First his name was Lupus, now it’s Lumpus. Next thing you know, they’ll be calling him “Loopin” and he’ll start masticating.

Then they went to comoon rom for doin the magiks to turn silver into the dagger and thay aslo made a silver rope for trapps the werewolf. And so they crepted down to Forbiden Forset at knihgt and the fulls mone was out in the sky big.

The spelling and grammar in this story get worse with each chapter. It’s a good thing this is the last chapter, because any chapters that followed this would likely be completely unreadable.

Their was much trese and buishes and hgras and suaroman cuold here evil howuls coming from the drakness.

Why could only Saruman hear the evil “howuls?” Why couldn’t Lupus and McGonagall hear them?

“I am scared” saye d Mcdonagl “It is OK I am here” sayed Lupus “Ok” and so theywaled into the dark forets. Lupis helded his sliver dagger in his hand and then he syaw some blod coloored eyes in the drakness “look the wearwolf is here oh now!” and so Saurosnman and Mcgdonag took their diagers and attacked the waerwolf. It claw across Sauroman face ouch but macdongal stab with the silver dager and the wolfman scramed in pain!

Well, I’m glad that McGonagall was finally able to overcome her fear and boldly defend her friends. That was a nice bit of character development for her. The only thing that mars this scene is that MCGONAGALL DIDN’T FREAKING GO TO SCHOOL WITH LUPIN!

“Ok lets take him back to Hagridn hut!” sayed prof Lupus “Yes” tagreed saroman and so they took him back to the palce. “Heloo” mention Hagrid and then he saw the wearwolf “WHAT JAVE YOU DONE!” “No its OK we traped it” “ok” and so hagrid saud “You have all pased the class well done”

What!? Doing something that your teacher explicitly tells you not to do automatically lets you pass the class for the rest of the year? I guess I’ve been wasting my time doing homework and studying.

but then the Werewolf started to walken up!

Wow, who would have guessed? The werewolf was apparently Christopher Walken all along!

“RAAGH” and then it leapt on Lupu and bited him hard on the arm

I wonder if Saruman masterminded all this. It was his idea to go into the forest. Maybe he was hoping the werewolf would attack Lupus.

“GET AWAY FROM HIM!” raored Hagrid and he karged into the wewolf hard and the waerewolf was kncoed out and he fell on a roke and his skul was crakec! and then the wolf man was slayn.

Who needs silver bullets to kill werewolves when you can just crack their skulls with a rock? Although this is yet another departure from canon, I feel this is the one place where the story improves on the original Harry Potter books. I’m pleased that the werewolf was actually punished for his wrongdoings in this story. It always bothered me that Lupin died, but Fenrir Greyback lived.

Quick we mist get him to hospital” sayed Mcdongal! “yes” agre hargrind so he caries him to hispotal wing. “You wil be OK but also CURSED!” told the nurse.

If he’s cursed, he’s not really okay. And “told” isn’t the best word to use there, unless one were to write something like “The nurse told Lupus.”

Well, I’m sure Lupus will be devastated to learn that he has become a werewolf. Let’s see his reaction to this news.

“Oh” sayed Lupus

“Oh?” That’s really all he has to say? This author really is bad at conveying emotions!

and that is the storie of how prof Lupius became the wearwolf.

No. No it isn’t. Every single thing in this story was wrong, incorrect, and WRONG.

Well, at least we’ve finally finished the story…

Oh wait, there is one more thing.

But now he haid to sop the Moldromore while being a werewolf oh no!

PART TWO COMING SOON!

Are you kidding me!? There’s a part two? Why does Lupus have to stop Moldermore? Why can’t he just leave it up to Bumbledore? Harry had to stop Voldemort because a prophecy said he would be the one to stop Voldemort, and he also had a personal stake in the battle because Voldemort had murdered his parents. Lupus has nothing like that in his history, or if he does, the author hasn’t told us. Lupus is inexplicably acting like Harry for no reason other than to make this fan prequel be like the original books. But if the real Remus Lupin had defeated a Voldemort-like villain in the past, he would have been a lot more famous in the wizarding world than he was.

And I should think being a werewolf would be an advantage if you had to fight someone, not a disadvantage.

Well, that was Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf. I am willing to riff the sequel if you will let me. I can do it in one installment, since it is only two chapters long. But for now, this is The Wheel, signing off.

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34 Comments on “1583: Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf – Chapters Six and Seven”

  1. BatJamags says:

    “Hello Hagrind”

    Hagrind?

  2. Andiliteman says:

    “When Lupin was at school in canon, Hagrid was only the groundskeeper. He didn’t become a teacher until the same year Lupin did. Back then, the Care of Magical Creatures teacher was Professor Kettleburn.”

    What weirds me out most about this story is that the author seems to have an understanding of the past comparable to that of a four-year-old: That it all happened simultaneously and immediately before the present.

    That, and the fact that Sauruman apparently needs to go to magic school even though he helped create the world and stuff.

    • The lack of temporal reasoning abilities is reminiscent of MarissaTheWriter.

      Y’know, a trollfic author.

      • The Wheel says:

        The strongest piece of evidence for this author being a troll is that he’s been writing stories for four years, and the spelling and grammar has gotten worse over the course of four years instead of better. Not only between stories, but within stories. Just compare the first chapter of this fic to the last chapter.

      • Andiliteman says:

        Whelp. I’m sure that was mentioned somewhere that I missed. I totally see it, now.

        Although with some of the genuine stuff out there, it can be hard to tell sometimes.

  3. Andiliteman says:

    “doin the magiks”

    Hahehehe. I’m going to use that.

  4. Andiliteman says:

    So, our climactic fight includes the werewolf waking up and chomping Lupin, immediately followed by Hagrid (uncharacteristically) kicking it so it falls over and dies…
    That was pathetic even by fanfic standards. Hagrid could have at least kicked it in the nuts to make it funnier. I mean, seriously!

  5. Angie says:

    Hello, I’m The Wheel, and welcome to the final installment of my riff on “Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf!”

    Woo! It’s over! *fills Baby with confetti and shoots it at the ceiling*

    Baby: Put your hands in the air!


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