1580: My Inner Life – Chapters 15, 16, & 17

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: GOD! DAMN! IT!

Nora: Hm?

Ert: The website that I had been getting My Inner Life from went dark. Now thankfully, someone reposted it to fanfiction.net, so I’m not totally screwed, but still, it’s more frustrating to get things off of fanfiction.net

Goeth: Yeah, you can only copy paste in mobile mode, and that’s a hassle to navigate.

Nora: Let’s take your mind off it by rifting something that the original creator is now officially ashamed of.

Goeth:  Actually the website you used is back up now.

Ert:….Oh…the fuck?

Chapter 12: The Reunion

Ert: That separation didn’t exactly last now, didn’t it?

Some time had past since Link has left with the King’s knights. He kept in touch via letters by carrier pigeon.

Nora: Even if they kept in touch via bird, it still would’ve taken time for the thing to make the journey. If they’ve been writing multiple letters, I’m certain that Ert’s theory about this war stretching into winter is true.

Goeth: Lets see how long until people start succumbing to hunger. Cannibalism usually isn’t far behind when that happens.

In one of his last letters he said that there was talk of a peace treaty. And if that happened the war would end and he would be coming home.

Ert: Just like that? The war is over? I notice that LQ seems to be glossing over just about everything that would come with a middle age war. Pillaging, slaughter of non-combatants, creation of refugees, famine if farms get burnt down, and all of this is without going into what knights tended to do to peasant women.

To pass the time I either spent my time at the castle with Zelda or in Kokiri Village with Saria. And when it was too much to bear I spent those days in my garden or tending the farm.

Nora: Back up there lady. Farm? What freaking farm? You do not have a farm, you do not have acres upon acres of crops being grown, nor do you have any livestock outside of a pair of horses. You do not have a farm, you have a dinky little garden at best. And if you did have a farm, you wouldn’t be able to tend to it as a hobby.

Ert: I’m concerned that the implication is that she set up an entire farm while Link was gone. Exactly how much of the Lost Forest was cleared out for this brat?

Most of the time passed easily, but there were days when I really missed him. And I was always awaiting for his next letter.

Goeth: This is something that puzzles me. Is LQ trying to say that when someone becomes married, they have little purpose outside of associating with their spouse?

Nora: Only women. Men still have to go off to fight in the big war. Women stay home and have babies. Now if you want to do that, that’s fine, but the way it’s presented in this story…euck.

Then one day about four or five months later

Ert: Oh good, so the war was most likely a month or two of fighting, with the rest of it being winter encampments. My theory was true. In other words, this was an extremely idiotic war was wagged.

a message came in from Link that the peace treaty passed, the war was over and he would be coming home soon.

Nora: The enemy had been forcibly turned into a vassal state, a tenth of their population killed, and they were now in economic recession because of the new taxes that they had to pay.

I started to cry tears of happiness. Link was finally coming home. I had missed him sooo much.

Ert: Yes, you are clearly taking this very seriously.

(Like Totally Counter: 16)

My husband was returning to me like he said. And there was nothing more important then that. Lilly and Navi had come to make their routine check on me.

Goeth: We need to coin a term for characters like this. “Technically in the story” characters.

Nora: Almost non-entities?

Goeth: It’s a start.

When they came I told them the good news. They were happy to hear that Link was coming home. I was glad that Lilly and Navi were here. I wouldn’t have known what to do without them.

Ert: Aside from pretty much everything you were already doing, because you only just barely remember to put them in a story.

They always made things brighter, and even helped the time go by faster. Even on the days when I got emotional from missing Link, they helped the sadness go away.

Nora: Show don’t tell only seems to be an untested hypothesis in a lot of fanfiction.

Goeth: One that no one has the common sense to even consider.

Though it was hard sleeping alone. Waking up and finding Link’s side of the bed empty. At least I had Lilly and Navi to help me through it.

Ert: Sleeping alone? I’m going to be an asshole, you’ve been married for a couple of months at best, and you spent a good part of your life on the road. You should be used to sleeping alone. You should not be THIS emotional about it unless you’re severely unhinged. Which wouldn’t surprise me.

I was told that it was going to be about a week before the knights were to return to Hyrule. I could hardly wait. It was summer I was now nine months pregnant and to give birth soon. I did not want Link to miss the birth of our first baby.

Nora: Math is a little off, but yeah, the kid is coming soon. One way or another.

Ert: Ok, I’m determined to figure out the logistics of this shit. I did a bit of googling around. On average, a person on horseback can travel twenty miles in a day. Potentially it could go farther, but riders want to avoid injuring or killing the horse if possible. The problem is that Link brought at least three thousand people with him, meaning there’s going to be more than a few wagons carrying all the supplies. Wagons can only get 10-15 miles a day. So this kingdom Link was fighting a war with is less than a hundred miles away, which isn’t a great distance. And this is me being generous and assuming that every last person in Link’s army was on horseback or riding in a carriage. Something that you didn’t really see in armies that weren’t being led by Attila the Hun. Even Genghis Khan, who was famous for how his calvary could move fast and take down entire nations, had a healthy amount of infantry under his command. So if I had to take a guess, Link traveled something along the line of fifty miles to get to wherever the Hell he went. Something that makes my previous joke about countries in this story being the size of Rhode Island accidentally accurate. And even THEN I’m assuming that this country directly boarders Hyrule, when it’s perfectly possible that Link had to cross over into allied land before he could get to the fighting.

The week seemed to go by quickly. And the day Link was to come home drew near. I spent the last few days with Princess Zelda preparing a “Welcome Home” Celebration for our men returning home.

Goeth: Anyone want to point out that, even if the war went unrealistically well, at the very least 10% of the warriors that left didn’t come back?

Nora: LQ doesn’t seem to care about that. The war only existed to deprive her of Link. For about five minutes narrative wise anyway.

And on the day they returned, everyone in Hyrule attended to welcome home our men. The crowd was huge. Everyone had crowded into Hyrule market. I had even seen other wives waiting for their husbands.

Ert: Well at least we’re getting confirmation that women seem to be regulated to the roles of housewives in this story. The game wasn’t exactly trying to be super progressive, but at least it showed women as shop owners, farmers, and bodyguards and not just as wives.

I had a hard time getting around. My stomach was big and when the baby kicked it took it out of me.

Nora: I WANT OUT OF THIS CRAZY BITCH!

So moving through the crowd was very difficult. As the knights begun walking through the Market Place I finally found a spot where I could see and awaited for Link.

Goeth: At this stage in her pregnancy, well into the third trimester she shouldn’t have trouble moving because of the baby kicking. She should be having trouble moving period.

I watched as different legions went through, none of them Link’s.

Ert: Wait, I thought Link’s legion was the only one being sent. How many fucking people did the King throw into this war? What the hell kind of an enemy required forces that I can’t help but guess number in the five digit range?

Nora: This is absurd. At least ten thousand soldiers being deployed? Just to cockblock Link?

I felt his presence as I telepathically called to him. “Yes, my love.” “I will be there soon.” “I miss you too.” He said to me in my mind.

Ert: OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! They actually ARE telepathic now? UGGGGGHHHH! I was afraid of this bullshit.

(Mary Sue Counter: 16)

Nora: Is there any point in asking why she couldn’t just talk to him via telepathy?

Goeth: It may be a placebo effect. If they think they can’t do it, they can’t do it. Or they may just be stupid.

Ert: I just realized Jenna wasn’t allowed to be alone in a room with a man the entire time Link was gone, nor was she allowed to be near a bonded man at all. This bonding thing is fucking stupid and utterly overlooked.

Then when the last legion came through I spotted my husband at the lead. My face grew bright as I called out to him.

Nora: I somehow knew this. I can apparently see my own face with ease.

As he passed by he smiled at me. At that moment I begun to cry, I was soo happy he was finally home.

Goeth: Evidently. Your valley girl talk really does appropriately convey your discount man comes home from the war scene.

(Like Totally Counter: 17)

I could not wait to be in his arms again. It had been such a long time and I wanted to run to him and give him a hug. But I had some patience so I tried to wait.

Ert: Patience. Considering that you boned the guy after you just met him, then decided to marry him a month after that, I have to question you having that particular virtue. And by that, I mean you’re a fucking liar.

The King was at the other end of the Market. He welcomed home each of the knights as they passed by. Some even got rewards for bravery.

Nora: He welcomed home every last soldier that came home? (I think, I’m not sure if LQ is making a distinction between a knight and a foot soldier) Call me crazy, but this seems like the kind of thing that the king would outsource to an underling. And that the award ceremony would be held in a more formal setting once a time had been set. Not in the middle of a crowded market.

I watched from the street as the King welcomed home Link’s legion. There was a long pause then the King called Link over to him. I watched to see if he was awarded anything.

Goeth: He wasn’t, as it turned out that he retreated in the face of the enemy and was due to lose three of his fingers for cowardice. Well, that’s what I would’ve written anyway.

Ert: Of COURSE he was awarded something. I’m not even sure how the king knew who to give awards to, but he managed.

There was a silence as the King produced a small red box. I moved in to get a closer look. When I got to the bottom of the stairs leading to the platform Link was on, the King noticed me and told me to join them. “Since you are this brave man’s wife, you may join him up here.” As my eyes darted around the Market, I noticed all eyes were on me. I got nervous, and the King noticed that.

Nora: Nervous? May I ask why? You regularly associated with the king of the entire country, exactly why are getting nervous now.

“Come daughter, join your husband up here commentate his bravery in the field of battle.” My eyes darted around once more then I slowly made my way up the wooden stairs and to the platform where Link and the King were. At one point I almost tumbled, but the King caught me and helped me the rest of the way up. Then I took my place at Link’s side. “This brave solder went above and beyond the call of duty, in the field of battle.”

Ert: Call of duty, a concept that doesn’t really exist in this time period.

Goeth: Too many buzzers going on for us to add obvious modern reference onces.

“He risked his own life to save his men.” “For that I award this brave man Link, The (8)Triforce of Valor.”

Nora: Triforce of Valor. Nothing at all like the Triforce of Courage.

(Do Not Steal Counter: 6)

Nora: And what is the Triforce of Valor?

(8) The Triforce of Valor is a pin that is awarded to a solder that risks his life or becomes wounded in the line of duty. Only solders with great stature are awarded this pin of highest honors. This pin symbolizes that you risked your life for your men on the field of battle and gains the wearer respect.

Goeth: Rather contextual. Despite that, it still comes off as a discount Medal of Honor. 99% off discount to be precise.

Ert: With a bit of Purple Heart thrown in. Despite that, it still feels rather insubstantial.

The King opened the box and held up a pin with a red bird behind the Triforce symbol. In one the bird’s claws was a bundle of arrows and in the other was a lightning bolt.

Ert: I swear I’ve seen that someone before…I just can’t put my finger on it…OH I GOT IT! That was the symbol for the SPARTAN project in Halo!

Nora: Uh. Was Halo out when this story was written?

Ert: Well, Halo CE came out in the same year as the Oracle games. Although to be fair, not a whole lot about the Halo universe was revealed in the first game. Actually truth be told, I don’t think this is a rip off. Just a huge confidence.

A small Purple Heart sat in the center of the Triforce symbol.

Nora: While medals did exist back then, they weren’t Medal of Honor or Purple Heart style medals. They looked more like this.

Nora: And speaking of Purple Hearts, it seems that Ert was onto something when he said that there was a bit of Purple Heart mixed in.

Ert: I wasn’t being quite that literal.

The King took the pin and placed it on Link’s uniform

Ert: He had a uniform?

Nora: Apparently.

Goeth: Even though uniforms weren’t exactly a thing during the middle ages. Just armor and whatever fancy outfits the commanding nobles put on. Unless they were actually part of the fighting, then they would just wear armor too. Expensive armor with the possibility of fancy furnishings, but little more.

Then a loud cheering came from the crowd as Link turned to look over everyone. He waved a couple of times, then turned his attention to me. He took me into his arms and we kissed. More cheering came as we embraced.

Ert: Yay! Link is kissing what’s her face!

Nora: Seriously, would there be much reason for people to remember who Jenna is? She doesn’t exactly make public appearances the way Link or Zelda would.

Then I looked into his eyes and a tear ran down my cheek. “I missed you soo much.” “I’m soo glad that your finally home.”

Ert: I am so glad these counters aren’t drink counters.

(Like Totally Counter: 19)

I said softly. Then I placed a hand on my belly. “Our baby is going to be born soon.” “I was told any day now.”

Goeth: Something that should be obvious from the size of her. And if Link was doing anything to keep track of the time.

I took his hand and placed it on my stomach. “Do you feel the baby kicking?” I asked sweetly. After a minute he looked back up at me and smiled. “Yes, yes I can.”

Ert: You know, just once I want someone to put their hand on the stomach and NOT feel the kid kicking. I mean, I know there are a couple of mothers in the audience, kids don’t kick on command, do they?

At that moment his eyes seemed to glow, as happiness filled into them, and I knew that he was happy to be home. He took me into his arms again, and held me close. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the King was smiling. He knew we were very happy together. Since Zelda had not yet married he at least had one daughter that wed.

That made the King happy. Since we wed he had another heir to the throne. In the event that Princess Zelda does not take the throne, Link is next in line.

Ert: Nothing about that is how royal succession works. In order for this to work, the king would have to officially adopt Jenna. That way he could legally pass on the title of ruler to her. Whether the nobles of the kingdom would accept that would be another matter all together. Some would most likely back Zelda as a ruler in her place, even if they were only planning on using her as a puppet.

Nora: We may be applying Song of Ice and Fire logic to Legend of Zelda, but screw it. This story is terrible and SoIaF doesn’t liquefy our brains and make the remains leak out our ears.

Then I would become Queen

Ert: I hate you. You get billing for being the queen over Zelda because you’re a super special Sue. Nothing about Hyrule implies that it’s that patriarchal. You could argue that this is a bit of reality, but the idea of this story trying to be realistic makes me howl with slightly psychotic laughter.

(Mary Sue Counter: 17)

. The King knew he was not getting any younger, but he felt at ease knowing there was another to be able to take the throne in the event that Zelda does not.

Nora: If his daughter can’t inherit the throne, why isn’t he getting on finding her a husband? Oh right, because the universe needs to bend over backwards and do cartwheels so that LQ’s dreamed up fantasy can come true.

Goeth: Everyone does seem rather prop like in this story.

Though this did not change Link and I, but we had to groom ourselves in the event that Link would become King and I Queen. I loved the King, he had become like a father to me. But I was in no hurry to become Queen. Though I knew that day may eventually come.

Ert: Make up your fucking mind lady. Do you want to oust Zelda to get to the throne, or is that too much responsibility for someone who hasn’t really done anything of importance since this story started?

Nora: There’s two answers to that, but the second one is the logical one, so it may not get picked.

As Link and I walked through the street, the crowd cheered as we passed by. Link was very beloved by the people of Hyrule. Every one in Hyrule owed Link his or her life. He saved them all.

Ert: Something that people didn’t really know in the game, or really in any of the games, with the implication that Link is somewhat of a humble hero. FUCK THAT SHIT! People need to worship the ground he walks on!

Nora: With the implication being that Jenna is getting runoff from this. In the form of being married to a famous man, and the recognition that comes with it.

But now they were glad that Link had taken a wife. And when our baby was born, everyone in Hyrule will want to bless the baby of the “Hero of Time.” Another to carry on in his/hers father’s legend.

Goeth: Yes unborn child, you need to live up to the legacy of the person who saved all of Hyrule. No pressure.

When we arrived back home all of the Kokiri were there to greet us along with or fairies Lilly and Navi. “Your finally home, I missed you Link.” Navi squealed as she flew over to him. “You were really missed.”

Ert: You two really fucking suck as guardian fairies. Why the Hell was Navi not with Link when he went off to war? She was there when he fought Ganondorf.

Nora: It seems this is another story where no one is allowed to be useful except the main character.

As she flew around him her blue aura brightened. “I missed you too Navi.” Link said as he smiled at her. “Jen and I really missed you to.” Lilly said as she flew in front of me. “Link, hey LINK!”

A girls voice called from behind the crowd. Then Saria came running through the crowd and up to him. “I missed you a lot too Link.” “How are you?”

Goeth: The emotion is just threatening to spill over here, isn’t it?

Nora: Yes, the general apathy and mild manneredness is pretty overwhelming.

Saria said as her eyes lit up at the sight of him. “Were soo glad your home.”

Ert: Oh Christ, it’s contagious.

(Like Totally Counter : 20)

“Jen spent a lot of time with us while you were away.” Just then something caught her eye. “What is that on your uniform?” Saria asked as she gently fingered the pin on Link’s uniform. “It’s called the “Triforce of Valor.” “The King awarded this to me for my bravery in the field of battle.”

 

Ert: Yeah, yeah I know the three second thing isn’t accurate, but screw it, we all know people are going to be thinking it is for a long time.

Link said with pride. A loud “WOW” came from the crowd as Link showed everyone. “Oh Link, that is soo wonderful.”

Nora: Don’t mind me, I’m just taking a sip of whisky every once in awhile to dull the sheer concentrated stupid. Although I may need to step up for something heavier at the rate we’re going.

(Like Totally Counter: 21)

“You must be so proud of him.” Saria said as she looked at me. “Yes I am, but I’m just glad to have him home again.” I said blushing. Then we had a small celebration to celebrate Link’s return home.

Goeth: Even though he was given a commendation by the king, he apparently needs to be patted on the back some more.

Ert: And he has a jet, and a yacht, and a billion dollars, and a mansion and a mansion with another mansion built on top, and a puppy-hey I’ve been ripping the shit out of badly written 13 year old male fantasies, I’m gonna be equal and rip the shit out of badly written 13 year old female fantasies now.

We had a small feast, then we danced and drank.

Ert:…………………..Drank. They drank. The. PREGNANT! Jenna! DRANK! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?

Nora: Don’t tell me. Alcohol makes the baby stronger too. Let’s mix seamen and alcohol for it, that seems to be Jenna’s idea of what’s good for a baby.

Goeth: Even I think that’s gross.

Then around Midnight everyone went home, and Link and I were left alone.

Nora: Well, that was important.

We told Lilly and Navi that we were going to the pond out back to have a swim. The night air was warm, perfect for swimming. We went to our special little pond. Once there we took off our clothes and went into the cool water.

Ert: So many stories we’ve reviewed where I feel like the author should’ve had a healthy masturbation session before writing.

Goeth: It just feels so clinical.

Nora: Ok, the sex scenes have lost their appeal. That and we don’t want to review a scene where a heavily pregnant woman has sex while skinny dipping. It kind of crosses the line on our ick meter. They pork, Jenna does her valley girl thing again, they keep calling lustful fucking making love, and everyone’s life goes on. There, nearly 400 words of stupid fucking avoided.

(Like Totally Counter: 22)

(Snu-Snu Counter: 5)

Chapter 13: The Miracle

Ert: Oh. GOODIE!

The next few days were hard on me, the dizziness became horrid and I started to feel sick. It got so bad that I had to rest in bed. Then came the false labor. The pains were so intense that I felt as if my whole body was in a vise. I couldn’t get up out of bed without the pains making me feel like falling over. Link had to care for me. I ate all of my meals in bed. And when it was time to bathe Link had to help me to the tub to wash me. It was hard, I felt helpless. But Link had told me that he was glad to care for me. I was going to give birth to our baby any day now. And he did not want to see me or the baby get hurt. Then a few nights later it happened.

Ert: In short, blah blah blah, generic pregnancy stuff that has no real depth to it. It’s a miracle we didn’t get cravings and mood swings.

I woke up and rustled Link awake. “Link honey wake up, its time!” I was going into labor. “Grumble.” “Go back to sleep.” Link said as he rolled over.

Nora: Well, he is the Hero of Time. *Slides into bed* Night! *Claps lights out*

Goeth: I think he just said grumble out loud.

Then I shook him again. “Link, WAKE UP…I’m going into labor!” I cried as I shook him. “Wha, What?!” “Oh my Goddesses, its time!” He jumped out of bed, grabbed his robe and went to get Navi and Lilly. As he opened the door, I heard him calling for our fairies. “LILLY, NAVI come quickly!” Link cried. “What is the matter?” Navi asked.

Ert: Are these two EVER in the same room as the people that they’re supposed to be protecting? Even when they don’t just not go with either of them on long journeys, they rarely interact with their charges.

Nora: We knew Lily was going to be pointless, but we at the very least thought that she would be around. I guess we know what qualifies as expectations that are too high for this story though.

“Navi, you and Lilly must fly to the castle quickly, fetch Princess Zelda and the healer!” “Jenna’s going into labor, its time!” ” And please make haste.” Link cried in urgency. “Lilly hurry, we must go!” Navi screeched. Then Lilly and Navi flew off to fetch Princess Zelda and the healer.

Ert: So, how long is that going to take?

Nora: I don’t know, all I know is that trying to think about how fast something can fly makes me want to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Goeth: So is Navi a European or an African fairy?

I didn’t have long. The baby was on its way. I felt the contractions become less spaced apart. I hoped that Lilly and Navi would bring the healer here quickly.

Ert: Well you’re in the forest and they’re in the castle. So yeah, you’re boned.

I tried to hold the baby back, but that was no longer any good after my water broke. “I cannot hold the baby back any longer, Link!” “My water just broke!” “One way or another this baby is coming.”

Ert: I know nothing about giving birth, but I have the sneaking feeling that this isn’t an accurate depiction of it.

Nora: The fact that it was written by the same author that wrote the rest of this story is the only evidence we have, but it’s also the only evidence we need.

I cried as my breathing became labored. “Just hang in there my love, Lilly and Navi will be back soon with Princess Zelda and the healer.” Link was getting more concerned with each passing minute. Then a horse came plodding up to the front of the house and I heard voices. “Oh…my Goddesses…they’re…finally here!” I said in between gasps of breath.

Goeth: Several hours later!

Ert: The average birth takes about eight hours, so considering the ride from the castle to the forrest…it’s probably mostly done by this point.

Link ran out the door to hurry them along. Then a minute later he came back with the healer followed by Princess Zelda. “Princess, go get some pillows and blankets!” “And be quick about it.”

Nora: Daughter of the ruler of the entire land and heir to the throne, go do basic stuff that Link should’ve done a long time ago.

After Princess Zelda came back with the pillows, she put a pillow under my head and the blankets over and under my body. Then Link came to my side and held my hand.

“Hurry the baby is coming!” I cried as the contractions became closer together. “You must breath slower.” “Take a deep breath.” ” Now push!” The healer yelled.

Ert: Boy, am I sure glad the prose in this story is so meaty and substantial. If it wasn’t, this scene that’s supposed to be really dramatic would come off as extremely boring. Sure am glad that it isn’t doing that.

I felt the baby trying to come out but something was wrong. “Push harder!” She called again “I’m pushing…as hard as I can,…DAMNIT!” I screamed. “Princess, do you see the head yet.” “No, not yet!” Zelda cried. “Damnit…GIVE…me something, LINK…you did this to…me!” “DAMNIT…get this thing…out of me…NOW!” I cried as the pain got worse. I started to curse as the pain became more intense. “Damn YOU…Link!” I screamed as I looked up at him.(but afterwards I told him I was sorry.)

Nora: Oh great, we’re doing this shit. Angry wife that wants to murder husband during birth. Hur hur.

“You must calm down.” Take deep breaths…thats it.” “Princess anything yet?” “No, mistress something is wrong!” Zelda cried as she looked up. “What?!” The healer yelled as a look of pure shock cross her face. “The baby’s head is not facing down!” Zelda cried again.

With those words came our worst nightmare. My face went white as a sheet and so did Link’s. At that moment I thought our baby was going to die. I started to cry as the thought of loosing our baby looked evident.

Ert: Uh, I looked around and I can’t find anything about it mattering which way the baby’s face is…well…facing. If the head is facing upward, then apparently it’s more painful for the mother, but it’s not gonna cause the baby to DIE or anything. Jesus Christ. Fuck, one of my siblings came out feet first. Sure, more we had modern medical technology and didn’t live in the middle ages, but these people have magic so I think it should balance out.

Nora: How would the baby being face down kill it anyway?

“We must act quickly!” “We have to get the baby’s head turned!” The healer yelled as she prepared to go in and turn the baby’s head. As Zelda and the healer worked quickly together they managed to get the baby’s head in the right direction. “We got the baby’s head facing down now PUSH!” The healer cried again.

Goeth: Apparently they just put in a pair of salad tongs and just straightened it out. Like it was a loose screw.

Nora: Nothing like a good old fashioned dose of false drama. I mean, we knew that the kid wasn’t going to die. This story is too insufferably saccharine for that, but it still annoys me that it was jerking us along.

“URAGH” I screamed as I pushed with every ounce of strength I had. “Mistress I see the head!” “Now hands, feet…”Then the next thing that I heard was music to my ears, a baby crying.

Ert: Get back to me in three months and tell me if a baby crying is music to your years then.

“Oh Goddesses…congratulations its a boy!” Zelda cried. Tears of happiness ran down my cheeks as I squeezed Link’s hand.

Nora: Yay! It’s not a worthless girl! We won’t have to pay a dowry when he gets married!

Then Zelda took and wrapped the tiny baby in a blanket and gave him to me. I cried even more as I held the tiny miracle in my arms. “He looks just like you my love.” I said softly as I looked up at Link.

Ert: Yeah, bloodstained newborns with squashed faces and not much hair commonly look like their parents.

Goeth: Blame Hollywood. People seem to think that babies are born as three month olds and not newborns because of them.

“We made this tiny miracle together.” I laid my head against Link’s chest as I looked at the baby’s little face. “What shall we call him?” “Since he is a boy, and it was a son you wanted you pick the name my love.” I said as I looked into Link’s eyes. “Link the second he shall be called.” Link said with pride. “After his own father.” ” Named after a legend.” “Link Jr.” I said softly.

Ert: *Smacks self in face* First of all, you didn’t talk about what you were going to name the kid until just now? It never came up? And it wouldn’t be Link Jr. it would be Link II. Second of all, I could forgive this if this story was doing anything to be halfway like the middle ages, but we’ve established that that concept is laughable. So this is supposed to be a modern take on it, and naming a kid after its parents is a lazy thing to do. I say this as someone who is a III. It’s doubly narcissistic because Link was the one who came up with it.

Nora: And with the way LQ’s utterly fucked quotation marks are used, I have no idea who said Link II was named after a legend, meaning Link could’ve been tooting his own horn.

Goeth: In the end, little more than ego stroking going on in this scene.

“Welcome into the world little Link.” I laid there and held little Link in my arms. I now felt complete. I had Link. Now I had a son with him. This was the most beautiful gift Link gave me. He gave me…a miracle.

Goeth: The word miracle losses any magic it has when you use it multiple times.

Ert: He gave it to you-for fuck’s sake, you’re the one who pushed it out.

Nora: You’re allowed to talk about how he did give you something, we’re not denying you that right, but I think some attention should go to the person who had to undergo quite a bit of physical stress and pain.

Chapter 14: The Blessing

A few days later word had spread through Hyrule that Link and I just had a baby. When the King heard that Link had a son he was just delighted.

Nora: Now I can continue to neglect my actual daughter for this one dimensional surrogate one!

He was going to have a blessing ceremony for the baby when I was well enough to get out of bed. Link spent the time I was in bed caring for me and our son. For the first few days we were keeping little Link in the room with us. It was safer and easier when he needed to be fed. Since I was breast-feeding him it was not much for me to get up and get him out of his cradle. There was the chair in the corner for me to use during feeding time.

Ert: No need to tell us what’s going on in your head or what your emotional state is during all of this. This daybook writing is all we need.

Goeth: I still stand by the fact that daybooks would be more interesting than this. For example, why do they need to go buy detergent? When the entry from two days ago said that they needed to buy detergent that day? Did the owner forget? Did he break it by accident on the way home? Was there a robbery?

Nora: The detergent heist…

I was surprised that for the most part Link Jr. slept through most nights. But there were a few times where he cried in the middle of the night to be changed or fed. But I was glad to have this little miracle. He was my pride and joy. I finally had a family. A family to call my own.

Ert: I notice you’re glazing over all of the piss and shit that comes with a baby.

Goeth: Slept through most nights. Unlikely.

When I was well enough to leave the bed we sent word to the Royal Family that I was ready. Two days later, we had the blessing ceremony. The King had everyone in Hyrule attend. He wanted everyone to meet the “Hero of Time’s” first-born son. Also his name was to be announced to everyone after he was blessed.

Ert: For the umpteenth time, all work in the country needs to grind to a halt so that everyone can fawn over Link and Jenna. Do people even know the first thing about Jenna? What makes her so great, other than the fact that Link is putting his dick in her?

Nora: Remember, dreams don’t make any sense. And for some reason, LQ thought that this would translate well to a written story.

The sun was bright as I walked out of the Lost Woods and onto Hyrule Field. I was carrying Link Jr. in my arms. Link walked at my side as we went. I watched as little Link giggled when he saw the sun.

Goeth: Giggling. Babies do not giggle until they are two months old.  At minimum.

“This is the outside world my son.” “Look.” I said as I held him so he was facing Hyrule Field. He giggled and his little eyes lit up as he saw the new outside world. I smiled at Link as he giggled. “He is so beautiful my love.” “He is the best gift you ever gave me.”

Ert: Something you probably should’ve actually said when she gave birth.

Nora: This story is such a train wreck.

I said as I looked into his blue eyes. Link leaned over and kissed me, smiled, then put his arm around me. When we reached the Castle Gates Princess Zelda, Impa and the King were there to greet us. We were taken to the Castle Courtyard where everyone was waiting to meet the son of the “Hero of Time.”

Ert: Somehow this nation seems to get tinier and tinier with every other chapter. So now its population is so small it can be crammed into a courtyard?

There was a lot of bustle as people waited to see the son of Link and Jenna. I looked from behind the archway and saw that the Sages had attended, and to my surprise even Princess Ruto was there. Even the Zora and Goron races attended to see this blessed event.

Goeth: Overdoing it a little bit. I’ve been meaning to say this, but how is this blessed? With the way people are acting, I’m not certain if Jenna means “Oh, we’ve been blessed,” when she keeps calling it that. The citizens are acting like it’s the second coming.

I cuddled our son as I waited for the King to announce us. Link smiled when our little son looked up at him, smiled big and giggled.

Goeth: See above about why the little hellspawn shouldn’t be giggling.

I saw Link’s face just light up when I handed our son to him. I nearly cried as I watched Link cuddle our little miracle. Little Link meant as much to me as his father, my whole world revolved around them. They were my life.

Ert: You said that already. The sheer number of times you’re bringing it up makes you come off as slightly emotionally unbalanced. I would like to remind you that you’ve only known Link’s name for a year. This person who acts as the anchor for your life hasn’t even been in it for 10% of it. You just left everything and everyone you had ever known behind. Because you were horny.

I listened as the King made his speech, then we were announced.

Nora: He gave a speech. About something. Probably because of how great Link and Jenna were.

I looked in to my love’s eyes and told him it was time to bless our son. Link handed Link Jr. to me and we went to show all of Hyrule the son of a legend.

Nora: Worship it peons!

I held the tiny baby gently in my arms as we walked out to greet all of Hyrule. Then as we walked out a loud cheer rose from the awaiting crowd. Zelda played her lullaby as I prepared our little son to be held high.

Ert: Yeah, this doesn’t sound like anything familiar.

Ert: Nothing at all.

When she finished the King spoke once more. “My people, this is a time of blessing.” “A new life has entered our world, a life born by Hyrule’s legend.” “Once a boy of destiny, left the forest and became a man.””He entered the Temple of Time and pulled the Master Sword from its resting place.” “Thus he became the “Hero of Time.” “His destiny became Hyrule’s salvation.”

Ert: Uh, your majesty? I have crops to farm and cows to milk. I also have a lame horse so I probably need to do something about that. Why are you spending my afternoon telling me about things that the entire country already knows?

Goeth: Look, the author wants me to do it. Just be quiet so I can get it done fast and we can all go home.

“His bravery saved us from a life of darkness.” “Then with his duties completed, he found and took a wife.” “Now that hero and his wife have been blessed with a new baby boy.” “I now present the “Hero of Time” Link, his wife Jenna, and their new son.”

Nora: My speeches are rather underwhelming aren’t they? I’m just recounting the obvious with no fanfare whatsoever.

Then the King smiled at us and gave us way. I handed our son to Link and we walked forward, to where all of Hyrule could see our new son. I stood by Link’s side as he looked down over all of Hyrule.

“I, Link the “Hero of Time” present our new son, Link the Second!” He yelled as he held our son up high for all of Hyrule to see. A loud cheering rose from the people of Hyrule as Link held our son up high. I smiled as everyone cheered, I felt happy. This was truly a special time in our little son’s life.

Ert: You mean that life that can be effectively measured in hours?

Goeth: I suppose it certainly is special by comparison. Not that it matters much, seeing as how the kid won’t be able to remember any of this.

After our son was presented, it was time for our son to be blessed. Rauru the Light Sage was awaiting with the other sages to bless our son first.

Nora: Ok, I keep thinking we go as far as we can in bullshit territory, but this story keeps plunging onwards. Rauru is NEVER seen outside the Sacred Realm. I think it’s safe to say that he isn’t capable of exiting it.

Ert: And considering he most likely undressed a ten year old boy at one point, I’d keep him away from babies.

He walked up to little Link and put his hands on his head. “Link the Second, son of the “Hero of Time” was born under a legend and will grow up in his father’s image.” “To help guide and protect him in his journey through life, we the six sages each bestow a gift upon thy little one.” “I, Rauru the Light Sage, bestow the gift of courage upon thee.” Rauru’s hands begun to glow as he gave the gift of courage to our son.

Goeth: As day year olds are well known for their daring exploits and need of great courage.

Ert: Since his father was the weirder of the Triforce of Courage, I can’t help but question if this is needed.

Completed, Saria the Forest Sage was next to bestow her gift. “I, Saria the Forest Sage, bestow the gift of friendship upon thee.” Saria placed her hands on Link Jr’s tiny head and bestowed her gift.

Nora: Because of vaguely defined BS, the kid will have a couple of friends when he grows up. Anytime he gets along with anyone is because of me. He totally couldn’t have done it on his own.

Next was Daurina. “I, Daurina the Fire Sage, bestow the gift of power upon thy brother.” With his big Goron hands he gently placed them on the tiny baby’s head and shared his gift with him.

Ert: Ok, no. Link was your brother. That would make the baby your nephew. And Link had to earn being called your brother. That’s not something Daurina would just slap on willy nilly.

Then reluctantly Ruto walked over to our son to bestow her gift. “I, Ruto the Water Sage, bestow the gift of love upon thee.” She placed her gentle fish like hands in our son’s forehead and gave him her gift

Ert: Fish like hands. *Sigh* Yeah. Because fish are so well known for their FUCKING HANDS! Or is the story trying to say that her hands look like fish? Because they don’t. They look very normal.

http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/zelda/images/6/61/Princess_Ruto_Artwork.png/revision/latest?cb=20110424194334

Nora: And Ruto is jealous even though she was the one who set up the honeymoon house. Classic symptoms of a character that the author doesn’t know what to do with.

Next was Impa. “I, Impa the Shadow Sage, bestow the gift of wisdom upon thee.” Then the Sheika gave our son another beautiful gift.

And last was Nabooru the Gerudo.

Nora: Who apparently was here.

She walked over to the cradle where our son was lying. She peered into the cradle and smiled at the little infant. “You truly look like your father.” She said as she placed her hands on his small head.

Ert: Uh. Nabooru idly hinted that she wouldn’t say no to a little action with Link. Thankfully it was when he was an adult, so it avoided being creepy. This on the other hand? Not too much.

“I, Nabooru the Spirit Sage bestow the gift of compassion upon thee.” Then the final gift was given.

Goeth: Apparently the baby needed a magical enchantment to feel compassion for others. In fact, a lot of these gifts feel more like insults than gifts.

Nora: He’s got a point there. “I give you the gift of love. Because your parents didn’t actually love you until this point.”

Next Princess Zelda came to bestow her personal gift. She gently placed her hands on our baby’s head and gave him the most special gift “I Princess Zelda, bestow the most important gift of all, the gift of knowledge.”

Ert: Which is totally different from wisdom because shut up.

I watched as her gentle hands begun to glow. Then an aura of white light surrounded the tiny baby as the gift of knowledge was given. Once completed the white aura faded and Rauru spoke once more. “With these gifts, Link the Second shall be guided through the valley of life.”

Ert: Whatever the fuck THAT means. Did you actively change the way that he acts and is? Or did you just shine pretty lights on him?

Nora: I don’t think it’s going to come up again. I mean it might, but I doubt it.

“He is truly one special child, a child of destiny.” I held Link tight as I watched our little son get his final blessing. A tear of happiness ran down my cheek as I thought of what beautiful gifts were given to our special little son. Our son was truly a descendant of my “Hero of Time.”

Nora: Truly. He received incredibly vague concepts that apparently rewrote his brain.

Goeth: It’s a dead end field in my book. Too complex and too easily to backfire.

After the blessing was complete our final place for Link Jr to receive a gift was from the Great Deku Tree. After some final words Link and I took our son and headed for Kokiri Forest. Saria came with us. Once we arrived at the Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. “Ah Link and Jenna, I have been expecting thee.”

Ert: No you fucking weren’t. If you had, you wouldn’t have been asleep you fucking liar. Stop trying to act like you’re all knowing you fucking hack. And aren’t you still supposed to be dead?

“Come and sit.” As we sat down in the grass as little Link giggled and reached for a butterfly that fluttered near his head. “I see thou have had thy first born.” “As promised I give thee a special gift.” I watched as a small glowing light flew over to us. Then I noticed it was a fairy. “A fairy for our son, this is truly the best gift of all.”

Goeth: Why does that comment come off as slightly greedy?

Ert: It just does.

I thought to myself. As the small blue fairy flew around our son, he giggled and tried to reached for her. “Hello.” “My name is Aria.”

Nora: I look forward to joining the character blob that Navi and Lily formed!

“Nice to meet you.” The fairy said as she fluttered in a circle around our little son. I smiled as the young fairy played with Link Jr. Then as I looked into Link’s eyes, he saw a tear run down my face as I smiled. “Our son truly is very special.” ” He’s our little miracle.” I laid my head on Link’s shoulder as he stroked my right arm. Our son was very special indeed, he was the son of a legend.

Ert: Oh gee, is he? I couldn’t tell, you only hammered it in a couple of times. He’s special, he’s a miracle, he came out of the ballsack of someone famous and that’s really important to me. Because I’m that fucking vain.

Nora: Well, another week gone by, another review done. Damn, we’ve been doing this for awhile haven’t we?

Goeth: Yes we have. It’s quite an enjoyable pastime.

Nora: We may and try and do something special for the next story we do after this. No promises though. I’m thinking Harry Potter. There’s a nice Ron the Death Eater fic we’ve got our eyes on.

Advertisements

42 Comments on “1580: My Inner Life – Chapters 15, 16, & 17”

  1. BatJamags says:

    Goeth: We need to coin a term for characters like this. “Technically in the story” characters.

    Nora: Almost non-entities?

    Goeth: It’s a start.

    Hmm…

    Don’t-careacters? Technicharacters? Background props?

  2. Angie says:

    “I had a hard time getting around. My stomach was big and when the baby kicked it took it out of me.”

    WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!

  3. BatJamags says:

    Goeth: I still stand by the fact that daybooks would be more interesting than this. For example, why do they need to go buy detergent? When the entry from two days ago said that they needed to buy detergent that day? Did the owner forget? Did he break it by accident on the way home? Was there a robbery?

    Well, laundry detergent is often used to buy drugs, so that’s another possible explanation. Though I don’t see a drug addict keeping detailed records of their detergent-buying.

  4. Angie says:

    Ert: Fish like hands. *Sigh* Yeah. Because fish are so well known for their FUCKING HANDS! Or is the story trying to say that her hands look like fish? Because they don’t. They look very normal.

    *headdesk* Apparently this author has no idea how to describe things.

  5. BatJamags says:

    I remembered this story being funnier than this. I think there are some more interestingly stupid parts coming up, including an especially Awesome McEvil.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    Though it was hard sleeping alone. Waking up and finding Link’s side of the bed empty. At least I had Lilly and Navi to help me through it.

    Well I for one do not like the implications.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    And on the day they returned, everyone in Hyrule attended to welcome home our men. The crowd was huge. Everyone had crowded into Hyrule market. I had even seen other wives waiting for their husbands.

    Ert: Well at least we’re getting confirmation that women seem to be regulated to the roles of housewives in this story. The game wasn’t exactly trying to be super progressive, but at least it showed women as shop owners, farmers, and bodyguards and not just as wives.

    This has actually been kind of bothering me since the start of the riff. The Zelda games take some inspiration from medieval Europe, definitely, but Hyrule is not the same thing (a fact that often works to the game’s benefit, like up above) Yet here people seem to be assuming the two are equivalent.

    I’m not actually sure if it’s the ‘fic itself that’s doing it, though, or if it’s just GC’s medieval fetish showing through.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    My stomach was big and when the baby kicked it took it out of me.

    Your baby took your stomach out?

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    (8) The Triforce of Valor is a pin that is awarded to a solder that risks his life or becomes wounded in the line of duty. Only solders with great stature are awarded this pin of highest honors. This pin symbolizes that you risked your life for your men on the field of battle and gains the wearer respect.

    That actually sounds like a relatively easy medal to win.

    And also very, very American.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    I tried to hold the baby back, but that was no longer any good after my water broke. “I cannot hold the baby back any longer, Link!” “My water just broke!” “One way or another this baby is coming.”

    We need all available fireteams at the cervix, auto-defense turrets are down and the baby is breaking through I REPEAT, THE BABY IS BREAKING THR- (comms dissolve into static)

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Just hang in there my love, Lilly and Navi will be back soon with Princess Zelda and the healer.”

    And why exactly do we need Princess Zelda for this? It’s not like the baby is actually Ganondorf’s or something, is it?

    (Actually, that’d be a helluva lot more interesting than what is actually happening in the story.)

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I, Rauru the Light Sage, bestow the gift of courage upon thee.”

    “I, Saria the Forest Sage, bestow the gift of friendship upon thee.”

    “I, Daurina the Fire Sage, bestow the gift of power upon thy brother.”

    “I, Ruto the Water Sage, bestow the gift of love upon thee.”

    “I, Impa the Shadow Sage, bestow the gift of wisdom upon thee.”

    “I, Nabooru the Spirit Sage bestow the gift of compassion upon thee.”

    ♫ and magic makes it all complete! ♫

  13. Andiliteman says:

    At that moment his eyes seemed to glow, as happiness filled into them,

    This is what I see whenever a badfic writer says something like that.

  14. Angie says:

    “I, Link the “Hero of Time” present our new son, Link the Second!” He yelled as he held our son up high for all of Hyrule to see.

    No, Link. That’s a spaghetti colander with Specs covered in dirt inside it. Get out of my office.

  15. Andiliteman says:

    Chapter 13: The Miracle

    The end of the story?!!!?!?

  16. Andiliteman says:

    face just light up when I handed our son to him. I nearly cried as I watched Link cuddle our little miracle. Little Link meant as much to me as his father, my whole world revolved around them. They were my life.

    How can such idolization of another person come across as so narcissistic?

    • BatJamags says:

      All the other characters exist to make Jenna’s life a perfect little fairytale fantasy, so the more perfect they are, the more perfect they make things for Jenna. It’s all so sweet I may actually vomit.

  17. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: I am so glad these counters aren’t drink counters.

    (Like Totally Counter: 19)

    *pauses in the middle of pouring another shot of whiskey*
    Wait, they’re not?

    • Angie says:

      Ert: I am so glad these counters aren’t drink counters.

      :Has landed in the hospital from too much alcohol consumption: Well, fuck. Now you tell me.

  18. "Lyle" says:

    Ert: You know, just once I want someone to put their hand on the stomach and NOT feel the kid kicking. I mean, I know there are a couple of mothers in the audience, kids don’t kick on command, do they?

    Babies are tiny assholes. So many times it was like “oh, he’s kicking! Feel!” And then nothing. Soon as the hand was removed, the next round of Riverdance would start.

  19. "Lyle" says:

    After Princess Zelda came back with the pillows, she put a pillow under my head and the blankets over and under my body.

    *snort* You put off a shit-ton of heat when giving birth. The last thing you’d want is a blanket. I’m pretty sure I was about ready to strip naked in a room that contained male relatives because I was so damn overheated. And I hope those blankets aren’t ones you’ll want back, because the moment you start pushing, baby isn’t the only thing that comes out of you. Blood and shit are heavily involved in this process.

    The miracle of birth, indeed. People need to stop romanticizing this experience. It was one of most horrid things I ever did and I’m never doing it again. Fuck that noise.

  20. "Lyle" says:

    I was surprised that for the most part Link Jr. slept through most nights.

    But there were a few times where he cried in the middle of the night to be changed or fed.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s