1575: Star Wars: The Force in Arendelle – OneshotPosted: October 26, 2016
Title: Star Wars: The Force in Arendelle
Author: Tyrone Weaver
Topic: Frozen / Star Wars
URL: Star Wars: The Force in Arendelle
Critiqued by Darth Overlord (Retired) Crunchy
*Crunchy stalks into the riffing chamber, angrily chirping to himself*
Bad influence indeed! I teach a toddler how to lob a few Darkwraiths with the Force, and suddenly I am the bad guy!
*Snorts* I was the bad guy long before that, thank-you-very-much!
No matter. Let us see what they have found for me this week. Aha, some kind of Star Wars fic that has been crossed with Frozen.
I suppose they are more upset about the boy’s tutelage than I thought they would be.
This story is a work in progress, but it’s a good one. Here’s the synopsis: A Jedi master, his padawan, and his friend are stuck on Arendelle. Will the queen accept them or refuse them? Will she become a supporter of the Republic, or fall into the deceptive hands of the Separatists? Read more to find out!
*The external lock on the riff chamber door slams into place with an audible thud*
Far more upset.
STAR WARS: The Force
In Arendelle Part I
Oh, good. I was hoping to get something with terrible formatting. My day is now complete, so I can leave, yes?
*The secondary lock slams into place*
Master Xian P.O.V.
Yessss, the rage inspired by scene tags is delicious! Let me feast upon your hate, patrons!
I am Xian Yahmanaka, Jedi Master. This my account of the journey.
Cannot say I have heard of you. But there are a great many Jedi masters of little importance. Let me see what I can find about you.
*Fifteen minutes of research later*
It appears to be an original character based on a character from some monkey’s role playing group. I find it distressing that the character has been given their own Google account and profile, not to mention that the last name is apparently a reference to something called “Naruto” but with an extra letter added in to disguise this fact.
*Eyes up the door*
I suppose the Darkwraiths are busy hooking up Carlos right now.
After I rescued Obi from his rather ‘unfortunate’ predicament on Geonosis, I brought him back to Coruscant and went on towards Yavin IV.
How wonderful of you to take sole credit for the work of several dozen Jedi and a clone army. Have you ever considered the Dark Side? I think you would like it.
While flying my G9 Rigger freighter with my friends, Jedi Knight Hercules McCrae and Clone Capt. Gene,
This would be the obligatory addition of your friend’s characters to the fic, something that always ends well.
I felt a slight disturbance, but I brushed it off as nothing.
Oh. So you are going to ignore a disturbance in the very basis of the universe because it is probably nothing important. I have changed my mind, the Jedi can keep you.
I am sure ignoring the Force will work out swimmingly for you in three years time.
I subsequently saw my HUD blinking red.
That is likewise probably nothing.
Then seemingly out of nowhere, a Separatist battleship came out of hyperspace and launched six of its Vulture Droid Fighters.
This might actually be a correct use of seemingly, since everyone knows where it came from, but ships do drop out of hyperspace without much notice.
Even so, the phrasing still rubs my feather from the tip.
I had very little time to react, and consequently, the hull became rather damaged in the onslaught before I raised the shields.
Of course. Rather damaged. More than somewhat damaged, but less than quite damaged.
Quite startled at this, my copilot and I quickly punched in the coordinates for the nearest hyperspace lane.
Yes being attacked is quite, quite startling. We were so taken aback by the sudden cacophony caused by the assault that we have since chosen not to talk about it. Instead, we simply refer to it now as “the unpleasantness.”
Just as we launched into a random hyperspace lane, auxiliary engines were hit and the ship jerked, knocking us all unconscious.
Hyperlanes are generally not something you dive into at random. Typically that ends with you colliding with another ship.
Come to think of it, how does a strike to the auxiliary engines cause enough of a jerk to render your crew insensate? Your primary engines had not even been damaged yet, just the hull.
After what I am inclined to believe, hours of being in hyperspace, I was the first one awake.
I am inclined to propose that it was but mere minutes. If only there were some form of device that could track the passage of time!
To be honest, author, I think you could use some tutelage on loosening up your prose. Studying Dickens would be a good start toward modernizing your language.
I looked at the HUD which read that there was a planet up ahead. I got out of my seat to wake up my friends.
Prioritizing stopping the ship would be a good idea. I am not positive what would happen if you rammed a ship into a planet while in hyperspace, but it would likely require a change of pants at the very least.
Commander Hercules’ P.O.V.
Let the hate fill you, patrons! Let it consume you in righteous fire!
When I woke up, we were still in hyperspace.
Ahh, perhaps they will blow down the door and allow me to-
*There is a loud thud behind the door as something heavy lands against it*
Or they will barricade me in.
I turned around to see Master Xian waking Captain Gene. Master Xian got back in his seat and told me there was a planet ahead where we could possibly refuel.
Now that I see them again, I must say, even by the standards of my originating canon, these strike me as rather terrible names. And, mind you, this is the same canon that came up with the Galaxy Gun.
When we were in orbital range, we exited hyperspace. The blue-white glare of hyperspace faded away.
That did not need to be two sentences. Please refrain form creating sentence add-ons that contain little in the way of new information. You would do better to simply include that parcel of information in a more complex and interesting sentence.
I could see the planet now. Its atmosphere was lighter than most of the planets I’ve seen, and had more sea than land.
Truly it is like I can actually see the planet, what with it being lighter than normal and having quite a bit of water.
It reminded me of Antar 4 to be frank.
I do not remember a planet called “Antar 4 to be frank.” Can you hum a few bars?
We made the decision to land on the planet to find food and, possibly, fuel.
Dialogue was unnecessary due to the accidental interest it might create.
Master Xian’s P.O.V.
How often are we going to do this, author? I grow weary of-
I mean yessssss! Let the rage overflow you! Only by harnessing it can you unlock your full potential!
After we landed, I took an assessment of the damaged parts of the ship and established that we were hit in three places: the aux. engine, the booster thrusters, and the right side of the hull. The navigation module was also grazed, but fixable.
Only one of which is a critical problem, and it is only a problem because you landed on a planet and need the booster to escape the gravity well.
I went inside to check on my fighter and E.C.S.S.’s (Experimentally Compressed Super Speeders).
While that does indeed match the general naming shenanigans you have to put up with in the Star Wars universe, I cannot say I am familiar with these. One moment.
*Fifteen minutes of additional research later*
Ah, I see why I am unfamiliar with these. Super Speeders are from the parallel Lego universe of Star Wars. I presume the “experimentally compressed” portion of the overwrought name is a reference to the fact that they are made out of small interlocking plastic bricks.
They were all just fine.
My lack of relief has made me acutely aware of how little I care.
Capt. Gene’s P.O.V.
Why must you subject me to-!
I mean, um, let the anger flow through you.
Greetings, Sir. Captain Gene reporting for debriefing.
Okay? Why is that in his narrative?
Master Xian’s P.O.V.
OH FOR THE LOVE OF RAP-
*Ahem* Hate and stuff. Very important. Dark Side and all.
We stayed in the ship that night, and the next day we were all hungry. We looked and looked for food, Hercules and I even searched via the Force, but we sensed nothing.
Stranded on a dead planet that is mostly ocean. There are worse situations to find yourself in, such as slowly being digested in a sarlacc. Or being in Buster’s office.
*A muffled scream of rage comes from beyond the door*
They forget that I can sense them through walls.
So we cooked one crate of food rations.
One crate!? Are you hiding a crew in this fic somewhere? Possible, this story is so lacking in description that they could have a few hundred people in that ship and we would never know.
However, if it is only the three of you, that seems a huge waste of what could be your only source of nutrients on this planet. The reason they are called “rations” is that you are supposed to ration them.
There were a lot so I wasn’t too worried.
Because you are powerfully incompetent and should not be allowed to lead. It does not matter how much you currently have. With no food, and no detectable life within range of the Force, you are looking at your entire stock of food until either you get rescued, somehow repair the ship, or die.
We ate the crate empty. And we were satisfied.
Remember this moment when you are all slowly dieing of starvation. Remember it, and blame the Jedi.
Commander Hercules’ P.O.V.
Stop. Just, stop.
The sun was going down and we were all pretty hungry.
That was fast. Well, I am sure you have more food to deal with that petty concern. See, you have a whole five crates left, plenty to keep you going for a long time! At two per day, that will last you days! Definitely more than one day!
I looked in the cargo bay and found only two crates of food! Wow, did we eat all that last night?
Oh, so you have two left. Well, maybe just a day, then. This is why you never leave the Jedi in charge. See, Jedi are able to eat the pure essence of the Force to sustain themselves; they care not for your need of physical nourishment.
I knew that wasn’t true. I called Master Xian over to the cargo bay.
Good idea. It is likely Xian is actively destroying your food supply so that you all perish sooner. The best case scenario is that he wants to raise your emaciated bodies as the beginning of his own personal zombie army.
Untrustworthy lot, those Jedi.
“Pirates? Here? It couldn’t be. Wait…. But, there are no natives. The area scan said so. ” He said confused.
Look, Xian, if you are going to cook up fake pirates, you have to at least build plausibility. Avoid undercutting your lies by calling them into question. You also needed to come up with a good excuse as to how they were able to sneak onto your ship. I would blame the captain for leaving the cargo bay doors open, that will help spread dissent among the ranks.
I had no clue where they could have gone.
Stick to that story, Jedi. They will never suspect you.
Just then, Captain Gene called us over.
Little worm is going to try to convince you all that he did not leave the door open. I would not trust him, he is obviously working with the pirates.
Captain Gene’s P.O.V.
*The feathers on the back of Crunchy’s head crackle slightly with energy*
You do need to stop that.
I was so hungry, I could eat an Aiwha.
Why would you not? They look delicious!
Suddenly, I saw a small trail of smoke.
And from behind!
Smoke means a bonfire, and a bonfire means people.
*Crunchy pulls out the script and flips it open*
The part of Captain Gene to be played by Adam West. Ah.
And with that, Chapter One ends. So let us launch right in to the second, and final, chapter.
Darth Lasher’s P.O.V.
Cannot say I have heard of him. Must be another friend of the author’s. Or possibly the villain from their campaign.
I am Darth Lasher, soon to be the Dark Lord of the Sith!
Much to the chagrin of the Sith.
Though I will say that the title is overrated. So much bureaucracy and paperwork.
Also, how would that even be possible, this is taking place when that idiotic rule of two was in place, and those spots are already taken.
It had been years. Years since the accident.
Right, the accident. When the bad thing happened.
I was finally awake. And I vowed to take revenge on Master Yahmanaka for destroying my battleship!
Oh I know. Swenia always knows where I position my ships. Even when I try to cheat, she still beats me.
Hold on, you spend several years asleep and are still candidate for Dark Lord? The Sith really declined after the Old Republic days.
I immediately concentrating.
While word forgetting.
The Light Side was here, I could sense it.
Does it leave that oily taste in your mouth, too? Honestly, how anyone could let themselves soak in that is beyond me.
But there was an essence here that was very familiar… XIAN!
I suppose “build-up” is one of those things that other fics do. Along with plot, dialogue, descriptions, setting, and pacing.
Master Xian’s P.O.V.
*The Force energy arcs and flares between Crunchy’s feathers as they stand on end*
You. Really. Need. To. Stop.
When Captain Gene explained that there were sentient natives here, I was quite exultant, but also uneasy.
It is naturally upsetting when a source of nutritious natives shows up to spoil your plans of starving the crew.
After all, they obviously knew how to control fire.
I suppose it never crossed their minds that this plume of smoke might be from a thermal vent of some kind.
We decided to check it out. We took out the three speeders and opened them up. They expanded relatively rapidly on command.
Relatively. We press the button and wait a few days. Compared to a glacier, that is exceptionally fast!
We locked the ship down,
Something you should have done prior to all your food being stolen.
all except for the homing device, to which I had the receiver.
Which does not prevent the homing device from being stolen if you leave it accessible. Though stealing a homing device is rather counter-productive, so I suppose the item’s very nature keeps it safe.
We left the ship to check the site.
Thank you, we needed that specifically told to us after the whole scene where we saw you set up to leave and go check the site.
Commander Hercules P.O.V.
*Crunchy unleashes a powerful bolt of lightning at the riffing computer, which is safely grounded out by the Ysalamir lightning rods*
Somebody has been upgrading the system while I was away.
As we neared the place, I saw that it wasn’t a campsite, it was a village.
It is important not to ask the Master Jedi how he was unable to sense this village with the Force.
Though I would suspect in the same way that he did not feel the ship about to ambush you: he simply ignored what the Force was telling him.
I suspect that the Sith were not the only order to decline sharply after the Old Republic days.
And this village was under a flag I had never seen before. It had a navy blue top half, and a jade green bottom, and there was a golden crest in the middle. Very interesting, to say the least.
That would be the flag of Arendelle.
Which, for reasons unfathomable, has received more description than any other object, character, or setting in the fic.
Master Xian’s P.O.V.
Author, unless you wish to see a grown raptor cry, please stop.
I now knew that I had to recalibrate the scanner – BIG TIME.
If the scanner failed to pick up a giant settlement, it needs more than recalibrating.
Not to mention your mind. I still find it incomprehensible that a Jedi master could be within speeder distance of a colony of several thousand living beings, yet be unable to get even an inkling of their presence with the Force.
Additionally, your inability to find something edible in Norway would take staggering ineptitude. Or at least complete ignorance that both hunting and angling are sources of food.
But now I had a new opportunity to give a new planet a chance to join the Republic.
Oh, by all means, recruit all the backwater primitive planets. They will make wonderful garden worlds for the coming Empire.
When I entered the village, was surprised by the Light Side potential here.
Most places have that. There is usually equal footing for the better side of the Force. Either needs to be cultivated to reach full potential. Though, with all the random singing that goes on here, I am tempted to just let the Jedi have this city.
This village was Force-sensitive!
Of course it is. Because having ill-defined ice magic was not sufficient, now the entire kingdom also has to be filled with Force sensitive individuals.
This is exactly like when the dinos-
Err, rather it is just like when the lio-
It had never occurred to me that a planet could hold this much capacity, much less a village.
And yet you still could not sense this village, which should stick out like a sore thumb to any Force user in the solar system. What did you need to do to become a master Jedi? Perform the ball-in-cup trick?
And with that, the fic ends just as it began: pointlessly, suddenly, and from behind.
Wait, something tickles my memory. What was that in the summary, again?
This story is a work in progress, but it’s a good one.