1573: SONIC HIGH SCHOOL – Chapter OnePosted: October 24, 2016
Warning: This fic contains Curse Words.
Well, hello, lovelies! It’s been a couple weeks. Between taking the family on vacation and a giant-ass audit (giant… ass-audit?) at work, my time has been completely sapped. Many thanks to our wonderful guest-riffers for filling in for me in my absence. Group hug! Unless you don’t like to be touched. In which case, group casual chin lift of recognition from a respectable distance.
Anyway, today I’m going to start bringing you the delight that is SONIC HIGH SCHOOL. While “A Daughter” still has a few chapters, I think doing an alternating update schedule keeps me more productive. This masterpiece was suggested to us by Jake Goff and, after reading the first couple sentences, I claimed it.
Now, “SONIC HIGH SCHOOL” is a major-multi-chapter pile of rhino-excrement, but, thankfully, each chapter is pretty short. Let’s go ahead and get started, shall we?
Sonic woke up and looked at the clock. “7:00,” it said, and Sonic screamed.
AAH! Sentient alarm clock!
“I am late for school! I have to get to school now!” said Sonic, jumping out of bed. Sonic put his clothes on really fast and ran out of his room because he is fast.
“No time for breakfast!” said Sonic as he ran past Sonic’s Mom.
Sonic ran past Sonic’s mom. Too bad there couldn’t have been a better way to indicate that she was Sonic’s mom. Like, say, calling her “his mom.” He’s the only fucking male in the room. You don’t need to be so concerned about pronoun confusion.
“You will regret this,” said Sonic’s Mom, leering at him from the kitchen stove,
Wow, Sonic’s mom is kind of a bitch. I never leer at my children. I do tell them that they will regret certain decisions (like wanting to wear shorts when it’s snowing out) but I still let them make their own mistakes. How else will they learn?
wearing aprons and oven mitts on her hands.
Sonic’s mom also has no fashion sense. You don’t put aprons over your oven mitts!
Sonic did not care. He was late! Sonic ran outside and ran to the bus stop where people were getting on the bus.
If he’s late for school, the bus would already have come and gone. Sonic is merely almost late for the bus.
“Tails! Knuckles! Wait for me!” said Sonic as he ran towards the bus.
Unless they’re the ones driving the bus, that really isn’t their call. They can ask the driver to wait a moment for you to catch up. Otherwise, it’s the driver’s decision whether to delay the route or leave you burnt. However, considering Sonic runs faster than a bus driven by Sandra Bullock, why is he even bothering to ride the bus to school. Just hoof it.
“Hey Knuckles, its’ Sonic,” said Tails to Knuckles at the bus stop.
No shit, Sherlock.
“He is late!” said Knuckles to Tails before getting on the bus. Sonic ran so fast to the bus and he got on the bus after Tails.
“Just in time,” said Sonic, huffing and puffing like he was doing the Cupid Shuffle for the first time.
…The Cupid Shuffle is not what I would call a particularly strenuous dance. No more so than the Electric Slide or the Tootsie Roll. Like, literally, the instructions for the Cupid Shuffle is to strafe to the right four times, then back to the left four times, then alternate your feet with kick type moves, 2 each foot, and then sort of walk in place for about an equivocal amount of time while quarter turning to your left. Wash, rinse, repeat. Seriously. Fuck, doing the Soulja Boi crank it thing was more strenuous.
If you’re overly winded from doing this:
You seriously need to stand up and move around a bit more often.
Sonic sat down next to Tails, and Knuckles sat behind them, taking up both seats.
Knuckles is manspreading. Nice.
“I’m so bad,” said Knuckles, laughing because he sat where two people could sit.
The luke-warm rebellion of a wangsty teenager.
Knuckles did this every day and no one bothered him, but they all knew it was against the rules of both man and God.
Okay, this guy has got to be a troll. No where in the bible does it say Thou Shalt Not Manspread on Public Transportation. I mean, it should but it doesn’t.
The bus started and drove at the school and parked and they got out.
That’s the most daybook bus ride I’ve ever read.
“We’re at school now,” said Tails.
Tails is currently vying for the title of Captain Obvious.
“It is time to go to class.”
So far, he’s Private Obvious but keep working at it, kid. You’ll get there.
Sonic was also at school,
It isn’t like they all road the same bus there or anything.
so he went to his first class of the day, English class. Sonic did not like English very much, but he did not like any class very much that was not about running and going fast, which is what Sonic does best. Sonic got to his class and sat down in his seat.
So Sonic’s favorite class is PE?
“It is journal day,” said Sonic’s English teacher, Mrs. Lesson.
*snort-giggle* Is the principal Mr. You’re In Trouble? Or the nurse Mrs. Let’s Take Your Temperature?
Mrs. Lesson was tall and white and had gray hair and she was not pretty.
It’s pretty sad that Mrs. Lesson has received more description than some characters we’ve seen here in the Library.
“Take out your journals and put them in a pile and I will read one of your entries to the class.” Sonic took out his blue journal and ran to the front quickly and put his journal on her desk and ran back to his desk, all with his head down and not talking or looking at anyone. Sonic was so fast that he did it first. Everyone else did it afterwards and slower.
Well, that was juvenile.
Mrs. Lesson grabbed a journal from the pile and Sonic knew it was his because it looked just like Sonic’s journal.
So she took the one of the bottom then? That would be your first clue that it was your journal, not merely that it looked like yours.
Sonic knew this because he had written in it so many times it was crazy!
And you can tell that from you desk because… blue?
Mrs. Lesson opened to a totally random page and it was the worst page she could pick. She began to read. “Dear Journal, I called the doctor today about a problem. I have a problem with my balls.
They are itchy and it is difficult to sit still with them because they are so itchy. I have to back up against stucco surfaces and rub up and down on them to relieve the itchiness.
No creams have worked. Creams only make my ball sweat smell like the breath of a thoroughbred and I think Amy (my GirlFriend) noticed. I hope my doctor calls. Love, Sonic.”
Urg. Seriously? What teacher would just read randomly without looking at the content first? And what dipshit would write something like that in his journal if he knew it would be a possibility of it being read out loud to the class? And if they didn’t know if was going to be read out loud, then the teacher has the potential of getting into a lot of trouble for reading private material to the entire class.
“Oh no stop reading!” said Sonic, but he reacted too late because it was already read, all of it. Everyone in the class laughed and Sonic felt like an idiot asshole because now everyone knows all about his ball problems.
Hey, testicular itch is no laughing matter! I sure hope his doctor found a solution.
Sonic felt his rage build up inside him like a pool of lava in a volcano. “Stop laughing at me! Don’t tell anyone!” shouted Sonic but everyone was laughing so loud that they did not hear him and Sonic was just so embarrassed and mad and sad but more embarrassed so he ran out of the class fast. Sonic ran to his locker and opened it and screamed into it. He screamed “This sucks!” and Curse Words too.
*gasps* Not… CURSE WORDS! Now we’re going to have to put a warning at the top of this riff! *scrolls back up*
“What is the problem,” said Tails. “Are you mad?” said Tails. Sonic was mad so he nodded. “You should tell everyone that it is okay to have problems with your balls and that they probably have problems that they do not want everyone to know about too so stop laughing at me.” Sonic thought Tails was right because Tails was smart. Knuckles was there too, so he said “Sonic what’s is this I heard about you’re having problems with your penis and balls?” Sonic was so mad again so he punched Knuckles and ran away quick.
You see, this is what happens when someone reads your personal details aloud: people are going to start adding their own embellishments. It was testicular itch, not penile itch.
Kudos to Tails for being a good friend in this fic, though. Instead of teasing Sonic about it, Tales seems to be the only one supportive of his friend’s medical issue. *gives Tales a cookie*
Where Sonic ran to was his next class (it is now second period so it was okay), and that class was History class. Sonic did not care about History class. “Hey Amy!” said Sonic, “Check me out!” and Sonic did a dance move.
I’m not sure why he’s feeling so confident running into his second class. Typically, you have class with lots of the same people every day. A good portion of your history class will be kids from your English class. Plus with the way rumors spread in high school, kids that don’t even know who are are will have already heard about your testicular itch.
“Wow, cool, let’s kiss,” said Amy and Sonic and Amy kissed right there in the class and some of the other people in the class watched but the teacher wasn’t there yet so they didn’t get in trouble and who is gonna tell Sonic he can’t kiss his girl friend in class.
Jesus, take a breath every now and then, author!
Amy kissed Sonic so hard that he was thinking “Let’s have sex” but he didn’t say it because the teacher would show up by the time they started to have sex in History class. Sonic kissed back really hard and it was sexy to everyone.
My god, this is turning into a properly spelled “My Immortal.”
The teacher arrived and they did class but Sonic just looked at Amy the whole time who was sitting next to Rouge. Amy and Rouge talked and they looked at Sonic some times and laughed and Sonic thought Amy was telling her about how awesome Sonic kissed her but it was not.
Why isn’t the teacher getting on the students for being so disruptive?
Rouge was telling Amy about Sonic’s gay ball problems-
NO. You do not use the word “gay” as a synonym for negative words! Troll or not, have some fucking standards! Have some goddamned dignity, you fuckwit! I hate that term being used for anything except as a synonym for “happy” or as it’s newer vernacular meaning of one who likes similar genders, and only then in the intended use and not as a slur of some sort. GAH!
*smacks the author multiple times with Carlos*
and Amy was Sonic’s GirlFriend but she thought it was just the funniest thing ever. Class ended and Sonic went to Amy quick and did not stop on the way. “Hey Amy why do you go telling Rouge about how hard we kiss :)”
Fucking a! You don’t use emoticons in prose!
*smacks the author with Carlos again*
Damnit… I think I used all the charge on that one zap.
said Sonic with a smile on his face that meant that he did not care that Amy did this and really wanted her too because it made him look cooler.
You know, in high school most of the kids that were witness to other kids’ PDAs were more annoyed than impressed. Like, save it for the couch. We don’t want to see that, and you’re in the way of my locker.
“Actually Rouge was telling me about the problems with your balls and penis and butthole that every one found out about in your English class.” Wow was Sonic surprised, he did not know what to say.
How about clarify that it was merely a testicular itching issue and had nothing to do with the other parts of his anatomy? At least the embellishment is pretty realistic.
That’s it for today, folks. Join me next week with another chapter of Mary Sue Goes to Hogwarts!