1572: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside – Chapters One, Two, Three, Four, and FivePosted: October 23, 2016
Title: My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside
Author: Unknown/Fake Tara
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Romance, Parody
Critiqued by Angie
Okay! *cracks my knuckles* Here goes nothing.
Hey, hi! My name’s Angie. You may know me from the particularly horrendous “Quarter Quell” series of Ice Age/Hunger Games fanfiction. I acknowledge they were awful and I probably would riff them now if Herr Wozzeck hadn’t done so beforehand. I’m a guest, and I’m here to rip apart the timeless story of sekwelitis.
A few years ago, Lyle did a critique of My Immortal, the infamous ‘Worst Fanfiction Ever’. And now, I have decided to tackle the unofficial sequel.
Yes. There’s a sequel. Three, actually.
And here is the worst of them.
Also! This story has lots of referencing to cutting wrists and things like that. There’s my disclaimer.
Yep, the Sekwel that wasnt really a sekwel. Enjoy while you can. i might delete it completely, unless the admins get to it first. Flame me if you want, I dont give a fuck.
I like that disclaimer. That is a good disclaimer. It’s the sekwel that wasn’t really a sekwel. Great way to start your fanfiction, my dude.
AN: Srry dat I havnt riten any nu chaps, but sum1 hakd my old akont, & nw I hav 2 use dis 1. If yu dnt lik goffik stuff thn yu a prepz, so fuk of!!11
For the sake of my sanity, I’m going to assume this person is Tara. Or at least that they’re assuming her position. And, of course, following the tradition of My Immortal, we get the god worst of spelling mistakes.
I lookd at Voldrimort as he flw bck, httn da wall.
“Yu wll pay 4 dis”, he sad sexily.
I tied 2 close my eys nd fink abot Pete Wentz and his sexynis. I cudnt bar da pain anymore. Al I wnatd wuz 2 g 2 my rom and cut my rists.
*sighs, puts down computer and rubs eyes annoyedly* Okay so, if you can’t understand a word of that…
…you have my envy.
“Yu r al lik da rst”, I said suacialy. “Al yu wnt 2 du is lrd it ovr us goffz. Yu dicktate wat we cn nd cnt du, yu mtherfukr”.
“You are all like the rest,” I said suicidally.
“All you want to do is (???) it over us goths. You dictate what we can and can’t do, you motherfucker.”
Well, I thought about complimenting that line, but then I remembered. This is My Immortal 2. And hence, this is OOC and untrue to the timeline. God, save me.
“Hw dar yu tlk 2 me lik dat”, Woldermort sid as he buort out his wip, nd bgan 2 wip me. I cried sexily. I thried to fink abot Pet Wentz nd hs sexy boby, bt da foght kep goin awy.
This was one of the things that annoyed me about the original. Why do wizards and witches have guns and whips? What’s the fucking point? It’s so pointless! Just like this fic.
“Sum1 help me”, I cried saucialy.
Sudenly cam Samaro, Vampires dad.
“Di”, He siad as he gut hiz gun ut and shot Voldsermort.
“ARRRRRRRRRR” Voldadork yeld as he flw awy on his broom. I trid 2 find Samaro but he wuz gone!!111
I’m not bringing up the weapon thing again. But like. So this takes place in modern times, right? Like, the modern point in the My Immortal timeline? So Samaro is dead by this point, right? Because he only existed in the pa-oh, fuck it.
AN: Wuz dat good. If yu flme it, dan yu a prep!!1
That was the chapter?
That’s literally all? Good GOD. *takes out a Children’s First Bible* Jesus, our lord and saviour…you’re an asshole. Next!
AN: Dis is da nects chptr. Dnt flame yu posers!!1111
Always coming up with strong ways to begin chapters, I see.
Dombledor went up 2 a prap named Britney and sid, “Well done Britney, you hav savd us once agin”
WHAT DA FUK”, I yelded at him. “I Did al tghart hard wrk, yu mthrfukr.”
Hahahahahahaha. That’s actually great. I’m so happy. Why can’t we have Britney be our protagonist? That would make for a MUCH better story.
“Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, yu did noffing as we wre bing turtured by da Dirk lord. Yu wll be snt to yu room”.
Dat nite I creid. That bitch took all da cridit. Tht mthrfukr will pay!!
That’s actually fair. Ebony didn’t really do anything. She just said ‘Abracadabra’ and shot a spell at Voldemort. Even though she knew she would look like a prep. Sacrifices, sacrifices!
Da mext day, a new grl strtd at skool. C wuz anther fukn prep. Her name will Paris Hilton. C hd only fond out dat c wuz a qwitch nt dat long ago and c mde sure to b mean to us goffs.
Because why wouldn’t Paris Hilton be going to Hogwarts?! It makes perfect sense to me!!!
*groans, headdesks* I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
C spilld aflass of wtar on Vampire.
“Y da fuk did yu do that, yu bitch”, I yeld dat hr.
“Watch da mouuth”, c said.
Aftr c wuz gne, I lokd at Draco, noing dat he wanted 2 do it wtih me.
I just wanted to remind you that I am changing NOTHING from the original fanfic. I don’t care if it’s a parody, it doesn’t make it exempt from the consequences of its stupidity!
*kicks fanfic in the leg* Bad, fic! Bad!
AN: Dont fukn flame, yu psers.
Again, a stunning author’s note. Haha. Please don’t kill me.
Dnt fukn flam me yu bitchs. I bt yu a prep!!1111 Dis capt is 4 Raven, yu wll alwys be in our haerts.
Oh, uh. *pulls up Google Translate, tries each language to try to find out what they’re trying to say* Yeah, I have no fucking clue.
Also, joking about death and suicide? Nice way to start a chapter, Obvious Troll.
Dat nite, me and Draco went to our rooms. Draco tok hus top off, and I did da smae.
I’m just gonna go ahead and add ‘smae’ to this fic’s list of words that it uses instead of sex.
He began to sux on my boobs. I sexily cried out in pian. His mouth tasted tendr.
I’m just…I’m just so confused. Honestly, what the actual fuck is even going on anymore?
He den stoped, and look at me. He lokd lik Gerald Way. He den went and tok is paints off. I saw his you know wat, and began to sux on it. Draco creied sucidally as I suxed on it.
This author insists on doing whatever it takes to annoy the reader because they don’t fucking know when to STOP.
“Stop it” he yelled sexly.
While I stll had his you know what in his mouth, I siad, “if you wus out know, yu r prep”.
Because that’s definitely how it works. Definitely. If you wuss out of a pity blowjob, you’re a prep. That’s just how it works, I’m not here to question it.
“Don’t fuken tell me wat to do, Draco yelled at me sexily. He then lieftd the room nakd.
I cudnt bare it. So I cut my slf wile listn to the radio.
What a strong way to build a character! (I’m just trying to be positive for the sake of me not dying. It’s bad for my blood pressure.)
(But I can still do this. *punches fic* You’re useless! You’re so fucking stupid!)
“Another turning point a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go So make the best of this test and don’t ask why It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time It’s something unpredictable but in the end it’s right I hope you had the time of your life” da band sang.
“Evn da radio is mocking me now”, I fukn yelld.
Okay, first things first. Thanks for never actually saying you don’t own the lyrics. Even the real Tara had the soul to do that. Second, I’m fairly certain Good Riddance is by Green Day, not P. Diddy’s group Da Band. I’ve been wrong before, though.
AN: I hope dat wuz good. Pleaz no flamez!!111
You know, at least the author had the niceties to say ‘please don’t flame my story.’
I’m still gonna flame it, there’s no doubt about it, but at least the author was nice about it.
AN: Don’t kukn flame me yu prepz. Yu only jeluz!!111 Catn wayt 4 da new FOB albun!! Pete Wntz loks so hot!!1
Ah, yes. I love Fll T By. Although, my favorite member isn’t Pete Wntz, it has to be Ptrck McHl.
Da next day, my bnd strtd 2 ply. Craco dcided 2 qit da bnd cuz of wat we did lst nite. I wuz wrin a blck GC top whch wuz ripd and shrt lethr skrt, whch wuz also ripd.
*starts to lock the door* Let’s just say this chapter has many instances where a certain Department might break into my house.
I hd blck liptick on nd wite fondason and blck eylinr. I had a pntagrm ncklce around my nck and I had a ponty hi-heeld bots. My har wuz al mesd up. I wor blck ey contcts. We dcided to rite sum nu songz. 1 of dem wuz cald “Brak 3 of da system”. We plyd it and evry1 luvd it.
Of course they all loved it, Emo-Sue! I’m so proud of you!
“To da depf of hell. Wher Satan ringz hiz Belz Goffs of da worldz Slit da rist 2 da beat” I sang.
We den plyed sum oldr songz. Theal luvd it.
I’m not even going to bother looking up whether or not this is a real song that they’re ripping off. I stopped caring.
“We die 4 noffing Bledn our rist our Let our lifs be none 4 our pact b cmpete”, I sang da next songz.
Bitney and da nu grl cam up and sad dat we wer lam. Ill shw dat bitch!!111 C puld da plg, wat a bitch!!1
She pulled the plug! On this fanfic’s life support! Shit! *runs to the outlet and places my phone charger into the plug* Wait, fuck! *takes out phone charger, puts in computer charger* GOD DAMNIT.
Live, damnit! Live! How else am I going to prove my worth than destroying someone’s hard work?!
We wre tld to lave cuz da tcherz tld us 2.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit! *hides under table* They’re coming!
GOD. FUCKING. DAMNIT.
Fuk them. Dey alwd prepz msc 2 b plyd lik dat fukn bitch Paris hu sonded lik SHIT!!111111
*biggest headdesk I’ve ever done* WHAT. THE. FUCK. ARE. YOU. SAYING.
“Y cnt dey ply stuf lik My Chem (If u don’t no dey r den fuk off!!) cuz dat is rel musc”, I fukn yeld at them sexily!!.
I really do believe Elebenty deserves a better story than this. Someone please, PLEASE bring out Free Birds!
“Dat is is a detntion Elbony”, said da tcher. FUKN BITYCH!!
Elbony. Pardon me, her name is Enobby Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. Do not forget her name. You will be tested later on the thrilling My Immortal saga.
AN: Y da fuk r yu al sayn im nt me? Wlll I am!!1111 So fuk of yu preps!!111
Me and Bloody Mary were sitn outsid wen we saw a postr cum up. It sed dat FOB were playn dat nite.
“I so luv FOB”, sad Vloody Mary.
I vant to suck your Vlood. Y Mary.
“Yea, but I cnt stand Pete anymor, snce he gos out wth dat bitch Ashlee (Why cunt c fukn die!!1111). But I stll luv der nu song”, I rplid.
I don’t even have anything to say about that really. You can probably figure out what I want to say about that.
So dat nite we got chnged in2 sum nu clth dat I gt frm Hot Topc (if u dont no wat dat is, den fuk off). Wat I wor wuz a blck korset wit wuz ripd and a blud red leather miniskrt. I had blud lipstik on aswll. I had lng blck lethr army bots aswel whch were tite as.
No. Body. Actually. Cares. So. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Ebony. Dark’ness. Dementia. Raven. Way. You. Piece. Of. Shit.
When we gt dar we saw sum of our frendz nd we wtched FOB playd. Dey wre amzng. Pete Wentz lukd as evr.
As I was once told, I think you’re few words there, author.
Patrick sng dar bst I evr herd.
I’ve said it once, I will say it again.
“I don’t blame you for being you But you can’t blame me for hating it So say, what are you waiting for? Kiss her, kiss her I set my clocks early ’cause I know I’m always late” Patrick sang.
I don’t own these lyrics. For the sake of being copyrighted, I will say that for Fake-Tara.
It wuz so amzng dat I had a orge.
It’s not orge until it’s orge.
What are you doing in my swamp, you preps???!!!
Aftr da shw, me nd Bloddy Mary brorte FOB cncrt tees nd gt Pete nd Patrik 2 sgnd dem.
“Hi Pete and Patrick.”
“Hi Ebony and B’loody Mary.”
“Sign these concert tees.”
That’s how it always happens. Every concert I go to.
“Dat wuz so fukn kol siad Blodoy Nary.
Wait, who said that? Or is the rest of this story just gonna be one long statement by a character?
AN: If yu dunt thnk dat im rely me den fuk off.
If I start to believe that it’s really you, will this fic end sooner? I’m praying that that’s the case.
Our Lord, our saviour, Tara Gillesbie…please end my suffering. That is all.
Yeah, this fic is just as bad as you would imagine. And if Tara decides not to give me pity and kill me now, I will return at some point with the next five chapters.
So yeah. *unlocks the door* DRD, do your worst. And JK Rowling, eat your goddamn heart out.