1568: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey – Chapters 18, 19, and 20

Title: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey
Author: cw2k
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Parody/Romance
URL: Chapter 18
URL: Chapter 19
URL: Chapter 20
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

DISCLAIMER: This fic has sex in it. It’s badly described sex, but sex nevertheless. You’ve been warned.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the last installment of Lemons For Days, formerly known as Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey. I’m your host Herr Wozzeck, and here we are. It’s… been a weird one, this one. I haven’t seen so much half-assed sex since EclipsePheniox came around, and…

Yeah. I’m a little drained from all this.

So without further ado, let’s end this off, shall we?

So we start our chapter off with this:

Cassie and the team have reached the Sky Temple, overhearing the conversation of Sindel, Kitana, Enenra (formerly Smoke) Kung Lao and Liu Kang. They were discussing something, but their discussion was cut short when Takeda almost fell hundreds of feet to his death.

And who can blame him, really? I mean, death would almost be preferable to existence in that bit of summary, it really would! I don’t know how he’d fall hundreds of feet to his death in [ERROR: LOCATION NOT FOUND], but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?

“Fools!” yelled Sindel.

A battle ensues.

*snerk*

Jeez, it’s a weird feat when you can get a fic that simultaneously manages to be over the top in corniness without having too much dialogue, but this fic manages it. And it made itself unintentionally hilarious the whole way.

Cassie taking on Sindel, Chris took on Enenra. The others scattered. Cassie managed to defeat Sindel and she and Chris went inside the temple to the Jinsei Chamber, Earthrealm’s life force, now corrupted by Shinnok, transforming himself into some kind of demon. Cassie finds her father, Johnny, almost covered in D’Vorah’s larvae.

And to anybody who didn’t play the games (which is basically all of us, including the snarker), this jumble of words means absolutely nothing. You think you can break that down a bit better, please?

“I’ll help my dad, you take care of D’Vorah!” Chris nodded in agreement.

Oh, good, so Cassie still gets to kick Shinnok’s ass the way she did in the game. Good, I was afraid that Chris might steal her thunder given how much of a Gary Stu he has become at this point.

“Chris! It has been years since This One met you.”

“I remember you. We met in Outworld. So you side with Shinnok and for what, ultimate power?”

What D’Vorah should say: “No, because even if he’s a shit writer Shinnok will at least give us proper dialogue attribution!”

What she actually says:

“It is of no concern to you!”

“When Earthrealm is threatened, it DOES become my concern!”

“You Earthrealmers shall perish in the name of Lord Shinnok!”

“Time to exterminate!”

And of course, this leads into a shitty fight scene, right?

The battle between Chris and D’Vorah began. D’Vorah tried to poison Chris, but he was able to dodge in time. D’Vorah tried to fly toward him but Chris countered with a powerful kick, sending D’Vorah on the ground.

Oh, so it’s not too bad so far. This might be mostly painless!

The fight last for a few minutes until Chris got the upper hand and countered with a devastating X-Ray:

*sits back down*

Dammit, I always speak too soon…

First, he breaks her arm three times quickly, then kicks her in the gut and put her hooded head between his legs, hooking both arms and landed a Pedigree (Courtesy of Triple H).

*headdesk*

Oh my God, really? You’re stealing from wrestlers wholesale, and then telling us the attribution mid-prose? Are you…

*headdesk*

Ladies and gentlemen: if you ever doubted this fic is trollfic, here’s your proof. I mean, who the fuck does that?

*sighs*

What else does he steal?

He then puts D’Vorah head up and landed a Sweet Chin Music (Courtesy of WWE Legend ‘HBK’ Shawn Micheals, and then he lifts her up in a fireman’s carry, exxecuting and combining two finishers in one, the Attitude Adjustment (Courtesy of John Cena) and the RKO (Courtesy of Randy Orton), but Chris wasn’t finished yet.

Oh, and naturally he doesn’t use the Moment of Silence, right? Pfft, typical Smark…

He leaned down looking directly at D’Vorah, and waved “You Can’t See Me” getting that dirt off his shoulders (Courtesy of Jay Z) and drove his fist into D’Vorah’s head in a 5-Knuckle Shuffle.

That is the most over-elaborate X-Ray ever. And it’s so overelaborate that I actually don’t know half of it. Probably because I’m not that knowledgable about the WWE and I don’t know what any of those finishing moves look like. So maybe describe it in gestures, please?

After the fight was over, Shinnok emerged, impressed of Chris’ fighting abilities.

“What do we have here?” said Shinnok.

Wha—Shinnok!? But weren’t you gonna face off against Cassie Cage?

*headdesk*

Also, where the fuck is Johnny Cage in this? He’s laying off to the side in the Shinnok fight, you know!

Chris was ready to fight again. He fought Shinnok with everything he had, but Shinnok had proven to be too much. Shinnok was ready to finish Chris by using his Hand of Death, but Cassie interferred.

Chris was badly injured and lost consciousness. It was Cassie’s turn to take Shinnok down.

Oh, right, we need Cassie to save him this time.

Hey, at least this fic believes in equal opportunity rescues! And equal opportunity poorly-written ones, at that…

“All too easy,” said Shinnok.

“You hurt my family, the man I love? You’ll have to go through me!”

Sure, sure, can we just have the crappy fight scene, please?

“Cassie…” Chris was too weak to move, but Shinnok was about to blast Chris with a fiery projectile. Cassie moved into harm’s way when a green halo, similar to her father who did the same thing to protect Sonya when he fought and defeated Shinnok years ago.

Cassie now has the power of the gods, just like her father.

“Holy shit! I guess it does run in the family,” Cassie said.

Oh, wait, so Chris is now hijacking Johnny Cage’s role in this whole thing? Oh, yay, good to know that Johnny Cage got shoved to the side so this half-assed self-insert could steal all the glory! It’s a remarkable feat to do that in a position of weakness, but hey, there it is!

“Your power will not save you.” Cassie looks over at Chris, then her father.

“You son of a bitch!”

“Your life ends now, child.”

Yeah, yeah, plot regurgitation shmurgitation. Can we just get on with it, please?

Cassie and Shinnok begin what appears to be a final battle. Cassie, fueled with rage, defeated Shinnok in a epic clash after what seems like minutes.

“You got ‘Caged!” Cassie said, using one of Johnny’s quotes.

And of course, this “epic clash” is so epic it’s not even described in any detail at all. Because that makes fucking sense, right?

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

God, I can’t tell if this is a guy legitimately half-assing it, or if this is a troll. I’m betting on the latter, but even a troll tries harder than this!

Cassie tends to her father. Chris slowly followed suit.

Chris tended to Johnny… even though he himself was injured.

“Go help Raiden,” said Johnny. Chris and Cassie found Raiden trapped in one of Shinnok’s hand traps, but the hand disappeared, letting Raiden free. Raiden was badly wounded.

“Take me to the Jinsei. I must restore it,” Raiden said. Chris and Cassie did just that and sent Raiden into the corrupted Jinsei. He successfully restored the Jinsei at his expense.

And why are the Jinsei important? No reason, it’s just plot regurgitation, so we’re gonna regurgitate that whole sale! Because that’s what good writers do, right?

*BAM*

Sonya and her team tended to Johnny. Chris and Cassie joined in.

“You should have seen her kicking Shinnok’s bony ass,” said Johnny. Chris suddenly lost consciousness.

“CHRIS!”

“Get him out of here! Send him back to the Refugee Camp,” Sonya ordered.

See, Chris? That’s what happens when you try to provide medical attention when you yourself aren’t in good medical condition yourself.

“Johnny.”

“You hear that, Cassie. She called me Johnny.”

“And for no reason! See, I’m not quite Stanley Zbornak yet!” *grin*

*headdesk*

Well, on the plus side, we don’t have too far to go.

Our next chapter starts with:

Chris found himself back in a hospital bed at Refugee Camp. His body completely aching all over, unable to move.

That’s what he said!

Cassie paid him a visit.

“Chris, how are you holding up?”

“I’ve seen better days. Where’s Johnny?”

“In a separate room,” Cassie said.

“And safe from all the dialogue misattribution, just so you know.”

“Oh, good.”

‘Cassie, you really kicked ass.”

“Me? You wiped the floor with D’Vorah. I can’t take all the credit.”

Oh shut up. We all know this guy is an epic Gary Stu, boys, you don’t need to rub it in by pointing out how much he stole Johnny Cage’s part in the story mode!

“Ok.”

“I’ve seen you doing these Wrestling-style finishers. It was awesome!”

“I guess being a WWE fan really paid off.”

If only the one friend I have who could honestly say that were here so that could be true for at least one of us…

Cassie kisses him. “I love you, Chris.”

“I love you too.”

And we’re back to the lovey-dovey bullshit again, aren’t we? Hey, at least this thing disproves that love is never about sex, amirite?

Sonya was tending to Johnny when he assured her he will be recovering. After that, she went to visit Chris to check on him.

And let me guess, she finds them having sex.

She heard moaning inside the room. She opened the door slowly to see Cassie riding Chris’ member like she did in Outworld. She didn’t bother stopping them. After all, they are both heroes fro saving Earthrealm.

*sigh*

As much as I would like to pretend to be outraged, I just can’t muster it up knowing that mommy dearest encouraged the two of them to have sex. Honestly, there still are just no words.

She smiled, knowing her daughter had found a man who saved the world countless times during his time with the Special Forces.

Ah yes, he saved the world countless times! Like when he got captured by Mileena and Tanya and used for sex… And, um… when he got his ass kicked by Shinnon… And when he failed to save his wife from Kotal Khan…

Chris sucks at this whole hero thing, doesn’t he?

Cassie kissed him as she takes him deeper in her, not knowing her mother is there watching her.

“MOM!”

She shrieked when she saw her mom watching her… even though she had no idea her mom was watching her.

*throws hands up*

You know what, I don’t even care anymore. This thing has been a headache from day one, no use trying to pretty that up in any way.

“Cassie, did you think that you would be the one to have sex with Chris?”

“Sonya… I…”

Oh, and now [ERROR: PERSON NOT FOUND] is forgetting that Sonya was talking to Cassie like Chris would fuck her in the very near future. Brilliant, guys. Nice way to show you know how to tell a story!

Sonya approached both of them. She kisses Chris. “For all that you’re for us, saving Earthrealm, earning my trust through sex as well as Cassie’s, you two are made for each other, but…” Sonya began stripping naked.

“If I could have you again and again, I would be happy again.”

Oh God, there’s gonna be incest involved, isn’t there?

“Are you sure, Mom?”

“Have you forgotten? You were there when I was on him.”

“Oh yea.”

Sonya climbed on top and slid him in. She rode slowly.

“Chris, I want you and Cassie to be happy together.”

“I love your daughter very much.”

“Chris, I thought you never had children with Tanya.”

“Oh… Uh, yeah, about that…”

“I know you do. Just remember, hun. If you want to fuck me, visit my office.”

Sonya rides hard, taking him deeper.

“I will.”

Are we sure Sonya divorced Johnny Cage and not…?

On second thought, don’t answer that question. Just don’t.

“I know I seem uptight about my job, but shouldn’t stop you from this.” She bounced up and down. Cassie began licking Sonya’s tits and Sonya fingers Cassie.

And there it is: it’s officially included lesbian incest. Because who cares that it’s a mom and a daughter fingering/licking each other? We gotta have some girl-on-girl action, dammit!

*headdesk*

“You love fucking him, do you, mom?”

“Yes I do, Cassie!” Sonya continued bouncing on his member.

Trust me, we can tell.

Anyway, they fuck some more, blah blah, and then there’s this:

“I didn’t think sex was a good way of healing wounds,” Chris said as Sonya was dressing up.

Probably because, with all the muscle movements and the thrusting and the arduous activity, NO IT FUCKING ISN’T, YOU FUCKING MORONIC FUCKFARTING PIECE OF FORNICATING STUPIDITY!

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Fuck’s sake…

Anyway, Chris and Cassie fuck, and the chapter ends on that. Which only leaves us on one more chapter.

Oh goody, what’s gonna happen in this one?

6 months after Shinnok’s defeat, Cassie and Chris got married and lived a new and awesome life in her new mansion once owned by her father, Johnny Cage. When Cassie was called to action at any time, Chris would go with her to keep her safe. With his experiences on war, Cassie was sure to survive, and they have. His first marriage ended in tragedy, but this one was much better. He is married to a sexy, strong-will soldier who’s not afraid to talk shit and not get her ass kicked for it. Chris loved that about her. He knew Cassie was no doubt the greatest lover he ever had.

Okay. Anything else?

THE END

Wait, that was literally it? Nothing about how any of the other characters fared? We don’t get to know if Subzero successfully killed Kotal Khan? We never find out the fate of the Netherrealm? We never get to find out just who the fuck gets to take over Outworld next? No mention of Jade? No ending for Jacqui and Takeda? Nothing for Kung Jin? And what about Scorpion and how he feels after killing Quan Chi? What about all those other plot threads left hanging? And what about Johnny Cage? And Raiden? We’re not gonna hear from them?

*stands up, throws controller*

I CBA, man. I literally CBA.

*headdesk*

I’ve been Herr Wozzeck, folks. I’ll see you guys next with with shitty Subject 23 bullshit.

*walks out, muttering about shitty fucking non-endings*

GOD, what a shitty fic!

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16 Comments on “1568: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey – Chapters 18, 19, and 20”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    Well, that was… something. Not a whole heck of a lot, but something.

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    *walks out, muttering about shitty fucking and non-endings

    Fixed it for you.

  3. BatJamags says:

    God, I can’t tell if this is a guy legitimately half-assing it, or if this is a troll. I’m betting on the latter, but even a troll tries harder than this!

    I’m not sure, but I think what we may have is a troll who also sucks as a writer, thus resulting in exponentially decreased quality.

  4. BatJamags says:

    See, Chris? That’s what happens when you try to provide medical attention when you yourself aren’t in good medical condition yourself.

    *Alarms blare*

    Dammit, Herr! now I have to go in the shark jump tank!

  5. BatJamags says:

    Well, that ended. That’s about the best I can say for it, but it did in fact end.

  6. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “Time to exterminate!”

    I like to think Chris was a Dalek the whole time.

  7. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “a Pedigree (Courtesy of Triple H).”

    The Pedigree? That move is extremely reliant on the person taking it standing still and letting HHH do it. Making it useless in a real fight. Want to throw in a leg drop or put her in a claw hold while you’re at it?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Well, to be fair, if you look at some of the MKX X-Ray moves, some of them do have the receiver standing there for a while. Point still stands, though, because they don’t stand still for very long.

      Either way, chaining it into all those other finishing moves just doesn’t work, either, so no matter what it’s convoluted to shit.

  8. Jon Arbuckle says:

    “I guess being a WWE fan really paid off.”

    Not for me.

  9. TacoMagic says:

    Conglaturation!

    You have completed a great fic.

    And prooved the justice of our culture.

    Now go and rest our heroes !


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