1566: My Inner Life: Chapter 5, 6, 7, & 8
Posted: October 18, 2016 Filed under: Legend of Zelda, My Inner Life | Tags: Erttheking, Legend of Zelda, Link's Queen, My Inner Life, Romance
Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: So. Last time we had more bad sex, Jenna becoming more speshul, Link creating an unrealistically beautiful house that probably would’ve taken him a year to build, even if he had a team of contractors working around the clock. MODERN contractors at that. In short, things are getting more and more stupid.
Nora: Onto the next chapter then.
A new life
Nora: For some reason all the radical changes that she’s made before now don’t count as her life changing enough to be a “new” life.
A few months later I was coming home from the castle after watching Link all day in the Practice Yards with his legion.
Ert: LEGION!? Ok, where do we freaking start?
Goeth: How about the fact that legion is a very Roman term that doesn’t fit with the middle-age European inspired Hyrule?
Nora: That’s a good place to start. We can also go onto the fact that a legion numbers at several thousand men, 3,000 at the very minimum and often more than that. What the hell has Link done to get that many men under his command? He hasn’t done a single leadership related thing in his entire life! He’s a champion, a strong fighter, not a leader!
He had spent the day teaching sword techniques to the people in his legion.
Ert: Oh boy. If he’s teaching them basic sword techniques, then that probably means that they’re raw recruits. Meaning he’s either going to be training them for a LONG time, or they’re going to be thrown onto the battlefield as expendable meat shields.
Nora: Not out of characters for most medieval nations, but it doesn’t really fit in with the overly idealistic take on Hyrule.
I spent most of the day watching him until I starting feeling a little sick. I had moved into the garden to sit down and rest when Zelda came to see me. “You do not look well my friend, are you ok?” Zelda said looking worried.
Goeth: “My friend.” That sounds wrong on two levels. It isn’t terminology Zelda uses, nor does it properly describe their relationship with each other.
“I feel a little sick in the stomach, and I feel real tired.” I said as I held my stomach and tried to get up. “Come my friend, I will take you to the healer.” Zelda took my hand and led me towards the healer’s chambers.
Goeth: And she’s doing it again. Does she have brain damage?
Nora: Pregnant. Jenna is pregnant.
Ert: Of course she is.
When we got there the healer had me lie on a table while she looked me over. After some time she found out why I was not well. She told me I was pregnant.
Ert: How are they figuring this out without access to pregnancy tests?
Nora: Magic probably.
Zelda looked at me with shock as I was hit with joy.
Goeth: Fun fact. The early access game We Happy Few centers around a British community who had to live through an alternate timeline in which the Nazis invaded the United Kingdom. They were able to do something to push them back, but whatever it was inflicted them with such guilt that they couldn’t stand it. Even though, whatever the horrible thing was, they did it to the Nazis. So they started taking pills to forget what happened, and violently lash out at those who don’t take it. The pills in question? Joy.
Nora: Jenna is on drugs then. Either that or someone hit her with a sack of the stuff.
Ert: Yeah! That’s right! And I’ve got *Swings* more where that came from!
A rush of happiness ran through me. I looked at Zelda and then I hugged her. “Oh Goddesses…congratulations.” “Oh… Link will be soo happy.”
Ert: *Sigh* You forced me hand. I went back and counted. That’s happened nine times. So let’s put a nine on a new counter.
(Like Totally Counter: 9)
Zelda smiled at me as we hugged and I felt warm inside. “I must go and tell father.” Then Zelda took off to fetch the King. I turned my attention back to the healer. “How far along am I?” I asked. “About two months.” The healer responded.
Ert: I guess Jenna didn’t notice that she went two months without a period. I know medical technology was shit back in the day, but I think even then they noticed that women didn’t have periods when they were pregnant. No doubt they didn’t know the specifics as to why, but they would’ve noticed that it was a thing.
Then she handed me a small bag with herbs in it. “Here are some herbs to counter the morning sickness and dizziness.” “Make sure you take it easy.” “No real heavy activities.” “Eat and drink a lot and make sure you get enough sleep.”
Goeth: Well so far it’s fairly good advice on how to act during a pregnancy.
“And one piece of advice on a personal note, if you and your husband make love a lot while your pregnant, you’ll help make the baby stronger.”
Goeth:…You make science cry. No, don’t walk away. You come back here and explain to me how that works. Are you trying to tell me that sperm cells are absorbed by the fetus, and that helps the development of muscles? Or are you trying to argue that the female orgasm releases hormones that do it instead? Please. Write me an essay on how you think this bizarre process works.
“Just no real heavy lovemaking.” “Keep it gentle.” “And come back to see me in two weeks.” “You may now leave.” She gestured for me to get up and I nodded at the healer as I got off the table and headed back to the palace garden.
Goeth: I’m sorry Ms. healer, but I cannot help but doubt your medical opinion. No matter how logical what most of what you say is. You know the old saying, “If you said the sky is blue, I’d look outside to check?” Ignoring the fact that the sky isn’t a physical object and is more of an area, and what you actually see as blue is the color blue being scattered by the air. Well, you make me think of that saying.
As I waited for Princess Zelda and her father, I put my hand on my belly and begun to think to myself. “Oh my Goddesses….I’m going to be mother.” “My first born.” “Link’s child.”
Ert: Well I HOPE that it would be Link’s child. It’d be disturbing if you were porking Darunia behind the scenes.
A tear started to run down my cheek. “He gave me this miracle, blessed us with a baby.” “I love him soo much.” Then tears of happiness started to stream down my face. I had a miracle growing inside me. Link and I made this new life together. We were truly blessed.
Nora: This counter is going to get a lot of work.
(Like Totally Counter: 10)
Ert: I guess the chapter title makes a bit more sense now. Still not taking back what I’ve said.
Then I heard Lilly calling to me. “Jenna, I just heard the news.” “Congratulations, I’m soo happy for you.” “Link will be soo happy when you tell him.”
Nora: A LOT of freaking work.
(Like Totally Counter: 12)
“How are you going tell him?” Lilly’s grin nearly split her face. I looked at Lilly and her pink aura seemed to glow brighter. “I thought of lighting some candles, cooking a meal to create a romantic setting, and telling him over dinner.”
Ert: That’s a little bit overkill. Just freaking tell him. You’re not popping the question. Considering that he was the one who was blowing his load in the right place-
Ert: I assume that you were trying to have a kid and that he would want to be in on it.
Lilly flew in a circle. “That is a great idea.” I cannot wait to see the look on his face.” Lilly said as she chuckled at the thought of Link’s expression after he was told.
Nora: Well, there’s always one of these.
I sat and wondered how Link would take it. But I knew that he always wanted a child. And I hoped the baby would be a boy. Since that is what Link always wanted.
Goeth: Well if it doesn’t work out that way, it’s his fault. The sperm cell is what determines the gender.
“Jenna my dear daughter, I heard about thy pregnancy.” Just then the King walked into the Palace Garden with Princess Zelda right behind him. “The Princess has just told me about thy new miracle.”
Goeth: Refers to Jenna as his daughter, but he then refers to his daughter by her title.
I ran over to him and gave the King a hug. The king looked into my eyes, his eyes were as gentle as ever. “Congratulations my daughter, have thou told Link yet?” I nodded no but that I was going to tell him tonight over dinner.
Ert: Damn it the record is skipping. Come on guys, Goeth has killed enough DRD agents already. When does it end!?
“When you and Link have thy first born, I will have everyone in Hyrule attend to celebrate thy new life.”
Nora: Uh, I’m pretty sure it would’ve happened anyway. You making it an order makes it feel a hell of a lot more creepy, particularly since you’re making it compulsory for the entire NATION! Even Cersei Lannister wasn’t arrogant enough to demand that the Night’s Watch had to attend. People have to do crap.
“A naming ceremony will also be held.” “It will be a blessed event.” Then the king’s smile seemed to glow. “I’m going to be a grandfather.” The King said as smiled at me, his smile always warmed my soul.
Goeth: That’s not his smile. That’s something else. *Holds up tongs* Don’t sorry, I’ll get it out. I just need you to hold very still.
Ert: I told you to store it properly!
Goeth: I lent it out to Crunchy and we both got carried away with a new experiment when he came back to return it!
I was glad he was like a father to me. Always gentle and caring. Now that I was to have a baby, it brought us even closer. We chitchatted a little longer until the dizziness started to take hold. Then the King saw me to the gate and I headed for home.
Nora: So. She’s getting dizzy. And her solution is to take the half a day long horseback ride back home. So much for no heavy activities..
When I reached home I went straight to bathe. After I undressed I looked down at my bare stomach. I put my hand gently on my belly and rubbed up and down. There was a life growing inside of me. A miracle that Link gave me.
Ert: We got it the first time!
Goeth: Every time you do this, a DRD agent dies a pointless death! *Whistles as he releases the Shoggoth*
The baby was going to be beautiful.
Nora: Again with the creepy eugenics angle. I am starting to wonder if Jenna also wants the kid to have blonde hair and blue eyes.
Then I got into the tub and slid down into the water. I soaked my sore ankles and legs a while, then I took the washrag and cleaned up. After I washed up I got out and dried off.
Ert: Well that bath scene added a lot. Thirty-nine whole words.
I went to the wardrobe closet and selected a low cut pink dress with long selves and the Triforce symbol over my right breast. A pink feathery lace ran underneath my breasts. And a crisscross pattern held the back together. I pulled my hair into a bun and went downstairs.
Nora: We already have way too many counters going on. Please don’t make us put in a wardrobe porn counter.
Goeth: Might overload the mainframe at this point.
I lit the candles around the room and the two on the table. Then I went to prepare dinner. I made cooked pork in a cream sauce, with potatoes and cabbage.
Ert: And then the house catches fire from the unattended candles.
As I made the final preparations I heard a horse come plodding up to the stable. I finished setting the table, put the food out on the table, took my apron off and hurried to the door to greet Link. As he stepped in the door, his eyes looked me up and down. “You look ravishing my love.” “I thought about you all day long.” Then he reached over, kissed me on the lips, took my hand and led me into the house.
Nora: Led her into the house? But she only went to the front door. How did she end up getting outside the house?
Ert: There is so little going on in this chapter that this is the shit we have to pick apart.
Once inside he noticed the candles and the food on the table. “Honey, what is with the candles, and the food setting?”
Goeth: Do they not normally eat from the table? Because that’s what he sounds like he’s taking issue with.
Nora: At least the candles could realistically be out of the ordinary.
I looked into his dark blue eyes and smiled. “I just wanted to surprise you with a romantic dinner after you worked hard all day.” I said sweetly. His smile widened as he took me into his arms. “It’s just lovely my sweet, thank you my love.” He kissed me again, then gestured me for me to sit at the table. He pushed in my chair before seating himself. After we served ourselves, I looked up from my food and at him.
“So honey, how was your day?” After he swallowed a bite of food he answered.
Nora: Well a man at arms got kicked in the head by a horse and died, someone else fell off of the battlements and broke both his legs, and ten different people got dysentery. I’ve had worse days.
“The King and I had a discussion about updating defensive moves among the army.” “So I spent the entire day teaching new sword techniques and defense strategies among the men.”
Ert: Defensive moves. Like things. And tactics. Kind of telling whenever someone tries to make a character look like he’s head of a major organization and they can only describe what that character is doing in the vaguest of terms.
Goeth: It’s simple. Watch. “I was drilling them on what to do if a castle they’re defending is stormed.” Not much, but it’s better than that.
I cocked my head at Link. “Does the King think that a war is brewing?” I asked. “No, but he wants to be prepared in the even that one does and men have to be sent in.”
Nora: Who would Hyrule even go to war with? None of the other civilizations introduced in Legend of Zelda really have a standing army. Maybe the Gerudo, but I seriously doubt they have the numbers to really stand against Hyrule. Particularly without Ganondorf leading them.
Ert: The Gerudo have attacked Hyrule in some of the games, but yeah, Ganondorf was always leading them when that happened.
“Link honey, I did watch you today until I started not to feel well.” I said as I put my fork down. Link’s eyes grew a worried look in them. “How do you feel now sweet heart?” He asked concerned. “I feel much better now.” “I went to see the castle’s healer.” Then there was a long pause before Link broke the silence. “Are you ok my love?” Link questioned. “Link my love, I have something to tell you.” I said looking into his eyes.
Just then Lilly and Navi flew into the room. Lilly flew up to my ear. “Jen, did you tell him yet?” “Tell him what?” Navi chimed in.
Ert: You two are shitty guardians.
Nora: Seriously, if they aren’t keeping an eye on the people they’re supposed to be protecting, what good are they?
“Link my love, we are going to have a baby.” I finally said. The next thing I heard was a clank of silverware hitting his plate. His eyes grew as big as saucers as he looked at me.
Goeth: Just to clarify, are these saucer similar at all to the plate his silverware just hit?
Ert: They’re probably a lot cheaper.
“You mean I’m going to be a father?”
Nora: You aren’t, the father is-I mean yes! You’re going to be a father Link.
He said as a look of pure shock came across his face. I nodded yes. “Oh Jen congratulations, I had no idea you were pregnant.” Navi added.
Goeth: I do believe that that had already been made clear.
Ert: Filler really isn’t enough of a term for dialogue like this. It’s “This character TECHNICALLY wasn’t a non-entity in this chapter” dialogue.
Link then leapt out of his chair, ran over to me, lifted me up and took me into his arms. He stared deeply into my eyes then kissed me passionately. “I love you Jen.” “I cannot believe that I’m going to be a father.” Excitement filled Link’s eyes. Then he placed a hand on my belly. “How far along are you?” Link asked with excitement. “The healer said I was two months along.” I replied. “I still cannot believe it.” “I’m going to be a daddy.” Link added.
Nora: We know-WE KNOW! Link is going to be a daddy, you’re two months along, we wuvs you, he wuvs you so much. Do something else! Say something interesting! Pop a joke! Develop characters! TELL A STORY!
Link and I held each other for a long time.
Ert: I suppose ten seconds could be considered a long time.
We were happy that we were going to have a baby.
Nora: What I said above.
Excitement filled us both. I laid my head against Link’s chest, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Lilly and Navi smiling in a way of saying, “Awe isn’t that beautiful.” I felt a rush of happiness run through me. I knew now that I was going to be complete. I had Link and now I was going to have his baby. Link was now going to have that child he always wanted. We were truly blessed.
Goeth: I notice that a large amount of happiness that Jenna is feeling seems to be coming from the fact that she is giving Link what he wants.
Ert: “Yay! I did my wifely duties and got knocked up!” That’s not creepy at all.
The next few days were not easy. The morning sickness hit when I got up in the morning and the dizziness would hit by mid afternoon.
Nora: Of course. She goes from being perfectly healthy to getting all of the stereotypical preggers symptoms the second she realizes that she’s pregnant.
With Link’s duties at the castle he was not able to remain at home with me like he wanted to. But he left Navi and Lilly to watch over me. Link did worry about me while he was away, but he knew that Lilly and Navi would take care of me.
Goeth: He left her the fairy that was supposed to watch over her anyway? That’s not particularly generous.
It was the hottest part of the summer. About midday some of the villagers from Kakaraio village would gather into Lake Hylia.
Ert: Hello random bit of trivia that adds nothing. It also doesn’t make much sense, seeing as if they’re hot, there’s a river right outside their village that they could go swimming in. Much less of a hassle.
Inside the Lost Woods it was a little cooler, however sometimes the humidity would make going outside unbearable.
Nora: Jenna is hot. Thanks for the info. Please let us know when she scratches her ass too.
From time to time I would got to the castle
and visit with Princess Zelda or to watch Link in the practice yards, but during the days that it was too hot, I would remain home. And on the days Link stayed home we ourselves would go to Lake Hylia to cool off.
Nora: Times like this make me wonder why exactly they live in the forrest. They don’t interact with anyone there, it’s inconveniently far from where Link works, it would be a pain in the ass to build there…yeah, not a single thing about it makes sense.
After the hot months, in early fall Link and I talked about taking our relationship beyond our vows. We wanted to bond ourselves together further then our marriage had.
Goeth: Ah, they wish to have even more poorly defined feelings for each other and to have even more badly written sex.
Ert: Oh goodie, I can’t wait for the baby to absorb Link’s semen and become stronger.
Nora: You need to retire before this job drives you mad.
We found out that there was a Monastery just beyond Gerudo Valley where the Monks there preformed Pagan Bonding Ceremonies.
Goeth: You don’t know what the word pagan means, do you? Let’s keep it simple and say that no one would actively identify as a pagan. That’s like identifying as a heretic or a blasphemer. It’s a word that tends to be used as an insult.
Ert: Even if it wasn’t, this is a pretty lazy breakaway from all the stereotypical Christian stuff we’ve seen before. But fine, let’s count LQ’s totally original religion.
(Do Not Steal Counter: 5)
These rituals were preformed to bond married couples further then their marriage vows. Link and I decided that we meant so much to each other that we wanted to do it together.
Nora: Oh boy, another annotation. So, what does the bonding ceremony do? Does it, shock of all shocks, bond people?
(4) A bonding is the joining of two people that joins married couples together further then their verbal wedlock. It’s where two people join together physically, mentally, spiritually and sexually in a bond that cannot be broken. This kind of joining also helps prevent adultery.
Goeth: Mixed signals. The bond apparently cannot be broken, but it doesn’t completely prevent adultery. Just helps prevent it.
Ert: Even if it did, this whole thing just kinda came out of nowhere. We’ve been hearing nothing but how deeply in love these two are, and how they’re so happy to be having a kid. Why do they feel the need to have this bonding thing go on? It’s not like their relationship needs it. In fact, the story is trying to make this sound like them connecting, but I have my own theories. The sexual part of the bond makes it sound like they’re doing it just to have better orgasms.
A week later we mounted our horses and headed for the Monastery.
Nora: We waited a week because fuck you.
It took quite some time to reach it, since when we arrived at Gerudo Village, the Gerudo’s insisted on us stopping to chat. We had an afternoon meal there then resumed our way towards the Monastery.
Ert: The biggest role the Gerudo people had in this story.
Nora: Jenna was told to not do any heavy activities. Jenna proceeds to go onto a trip into the desert for aphrodisiac.
After another short ride, we arrived at the Monastery. When we reached the gate a group of monks was there to greet us. After we dismounted a monk came and took our horses to the stable.
Goeth: After all, all secluded monasteries have stables.
I had no idea they were expecting us, but Link told me later that he had set it up a few days before.
Ert: Fuck you.
We were taken inside to a chamber where the head of the Monastery was waiting for us. First we were asked a few questions, then he explained the steps of the ceremony to us. Then he had two monks bring a bowl with an oily liquid in it. The head monk took his thumb, dipped it in the liquid, and smeared it on our foreheads while he chanted. Then he said that the ceremony was to be preformed outside but that it was to be preformed in the nude.
Nora: You know, for a “pagan” religion that ritual just now came off a lot like Christian anointment.
Ert: Even when this story tries to be original it can’t do that. It just says it’s doing something new and then falls back into its modern day Christianity tactics.
He explained that their beliefs were, everything is born from the Earth, and when you die you go back to the Earth. And since the ceremony was to be preformed under the witness of Mother Earth we had to remove our clothes.
Goeth: You mean the clothes made from fabrics that were born from the Earth? This religion is very inconsistent.
Ert: Generic too.
I shot Link a worried look, but he gave me a reassuring smile and that made me feel better. After we removed our clothes, we were led to a beautiful garden with an oak tree in the middle. I felt a wave of calm as we walked further into the garden. We were led to the oak tree and told to kneel down in front of each other. After we knelt down facing each other, the head monk said he would explain each step of the rituals as we went.
Nora: First stroke her hair and then grab her tits. Oh wait, sorry. For a second I thought that this guy was trying to direct a porno. That is more or less what this set up looks like.
First two goblets were brought to us with liquid in them. Next one of the monks brought a Ruby hilted Dagger and handed it to Link. Then the head monk explained to us that we each had to cut our palms and drop some blood into the goblets in front if us.
Ert: Uh. Are they undergoing a bonding ceremony or are they joining the freaking mafia?
An uneasy feeling washed over me. Cutting my hand was not one thing I wanted to do, but Link shot me a comforting glance and I started to calm about it. The monk explained why cutting our palms was necessary, then I watched as Link took the tip of the dagger and slit the palm of his lift hand.
Ert: I swear, the grammar in this story is only getting worse and worse.
Nora: The shit this woman does because of what Link wants. Gets pregnant, cuts her own body. I know LQ is ashamed of this story now, but she had some messed up dreams when she was younger.
Link then clenched his hand into a fist and the blood slowly dripped into the goblet in front of him. Then Link handed the dagger me. I felt a little scared as I held the dagger in my hand. When I looked back up at Link, he reassured me it was ok. “It’s ok honey, it will only hurt for a second.” “You’ll be ok my love, I’m here with you.”
Goeth: Link seems to be under the impression that he is a pain nullifier. Needless to say, slicing open your palm creates quite a bit of pain, and it does not fade within moments. *Holds up knife* Care for a demonstration?
I looked into his eyes and a glint of comfort shone in them. I nodded and then took the dagger and placed the tip of it against the palm of my left hand.
I closed me eyes and I made a wince as the dagger cut my palm. As I looked down at my hand I saw blood seeping out of the wound. Then I clenched my hand into a fist and let the blood drip into the goblet in front of me.
Ert: Ok, I’ve been meaning to ask, does clenching your first really do much to help let the blood flow? If anything, it feels like it would slow it down. Not by much, but in reality it doesn’t seem like it would help it along the way.
Nora: I suppose you could argue it’s part of the ceremony, but there was never anything to establish that.
After I did that one of the monks took the dagger from me. Next we were told to exchange the goblets and drink from them. Then Link and I exchanged the goblets. Link took a drink from his first then I took a drink from mine. The strange liquid in the goblets, made me feel different…….made me feel connected to Link.
Goeth: I’m trying to understand the inner workings of this ceremony. Mystery substance + blood = closer connection.
Ert: Here I thought this ritual was going to be some kind of a spiritual thing. Something that would cause them to learn things about each other that they never knew. Turns out it’s just “You want a special bond? Drink this. Congratulations! You have a special bond!”
The monk then told us to take our hands with the wounds on them and clasp them together. As our hands bonded our blood meshed together, and a connection between us was felt. I started to feel a little closer to him. Started to feel like he was inside me.
Nora: Oh for the love of God, can you two please wait until AFTER the ceremony is done to pork? Don’t do it in front of the monks. Since they’re copy pasted from existing religion, it’s safe to say that they’re supposed to be celibate.
I closed me eyes and I heard Link’s voice inside my ears, inside my mind, but only faintly. I reached out for him, but nothing was there. I then opened my eyes again.
Next the head monk explained that to strengthen the bond further we had to drink each other’s body fluids.
Ert: What do you call what just happened? Last time I checked, blood counted as a bodily fluid. It is a fluid that comes from the body after all.
My eyes widened and jaw dropped, at the thought of that. But we were reassured that it was perfectly harmless. I looked at Link and he nodded in agreement. He placed his hand on mine and a wash of comfort ran over me. I nodded that I was ready and we were handed two small cups and told we had to urinate in it.
Goeth: Hit the deck.
Ert: WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK AM I READING!? What kind of dreams was LQ having where she needed to drink Link’s piss? And what was going on in her head when she had that dream, woke up, and said, “That was so romantic, I need to write a story about the time I chugged the piss of a video game character.” I just…WHY!?
It was hard to do what was requested, but as I did what I had to do a small feeling of uneasiness tingled inside me. When I sat back down, Link had already finished and placed his cup down in front of him. I then placed mine down in front of me and waited for what to do next. The head monk said a few words then we were told to exchange the cups and drink from them. Link went first and I watched as his face twisted slightly as he drank from the cup.
Goeth: No. He is not just getting a twisted face. He is gagging and coughing half of that up.
Nora: If the next step of the ritual is about them drinking each other’s sexual fluids, I think I might bail on this story.
Then I took my cup, slowly lifted it to my lips, and crinkled my nose as I drank from it. A sour taste was left behind after I finished.
Ert: That was one of the stupidest and most disgusting things I have ever read. But at least it was mercifully short.
Next we were told to close our eyes and hold hands. The monk began to chant in an unknown tongue. As he chanted I felt a presence around me. Something like a spirit, but I was not quite sure. A warm feeling filled inside me, like being next to a fire. And I felt at peace……felt a calm……Then I could feel Link again…….felt his body against mine, even though our hands were the only things touching.
Nora: And somehow, drinking piss was essential for this to happen.
Goeth: Maybe the spirit is connected to all the nitrogen the body needs to expel. Maybe it’s a summoning medium.
Ert: I hate everything about this story.
The feeling made me feel happy inside, made me feel closer to him…….I hoped that the feeling would never end. I opened my eyes and the monk had stopped chanting and he then explained that there were four more separate bonding rituals.
Nora: Now you have to drink each other’s sweat, tears, spinal fluid, and something we dug out of your belly buttons.
Each to bond us together in every aspect of our being. They were: Mentally, spiritually, physically and sexually. Completing each would bond us together in an unbreakable bond. When we were ready we nodded and were told what the first ritual was.
Ert: So only now are we getting to the point where they’re being bound to each other. What, was the piss drinking just because the monks were wondering if Link and Jenna were stupid enough to do it?
Nora: They had a fair point if that was the case.
Goeth: Bonded physically? So they want to become siamese twins?
The Mental Bonding
After the rules were explained, we took each other’s hands and held them. When the head monk begun to chant we closed our eyes. I began to feel the warm feeling inside me again. This time it was more intense.
Ert: She’s vaguely feeling a more intense version of the first vaguely defined feeling. This is not how you do prose people.
Then my mind was cleared of all thoughts, and I was left in total emptiness, like being in a void.
Nora: Is saying nothing new there aiming for the low hanging fruit? Yes, but I don’t care. NOTHING NEW THERE!
There was nothing but quiet, then the silence was broken by a distant voice. As the voice came closer I could tell that it was Link’s. Link was inside my mind, calling out to me. I reached for him, called out to him, tried to find him. As he called to me again, his voice ringed through my mind. His voice vibrated through my body, inside my bones. His voice made me feel warm, made me feel secure. I did not feel alone.
Ert: *Snores loudly*
Nora: You guys going to do anything? You’re just kind of doing the same thing over and over again.
Goeth: They did x, then Jenna felt closer to Link. About five times since we started this chapter.
He was there with me. Hearing his voice inside my mind made me feel closer to him. I felt as if our minds were connected. I felt as if were one. As I searched for him, his voice seemed like a flame. I felt it’s warmth, then saw it’s light. I reached for it, called to it, watched as the flame danced, Link’s voice ran inside it.
Ert: Normally this story has rather bare bones prose. it’s gotten rather purple out of nowhere.
I moved inside the emptiness, tried to reach for the flame, tried to reach for Link, but no matter how hard I tried I could not reach him. Then the flame flicked out and Link’s voice became distant again until all there was but silence. The void closed around me and I came back. I opened my eyes and looked at Link. He was just as wide eyed as me. Then I smiled at him, before returning attention to the monk. He looked at us and told us the mental bonding was complete.
Nora: Uh, it is? It doesn’t really feel like they did anything or accomplished any kind of growth.
Ert: The monk said that it was done, that’s good enough for me. It means that we don’t have to read about it anymore, so it’s good enough for me.
The Physical Bonding
The head monk told us the rules for the Physical Bonding. First we had to put our wrists together and hold them up together in front of us.
Goeth: For the third time.
Ert: The author really didn’t know how to write a ritual, did she?
Then two monks came with rope and tied our wrists together. A bowl with a white smoke rising from it was put down in front of us. We were told to inch closer to the bowl and to close our eyes again.
Nora: So the physical bonding involves smoking something. Charming.
Ert: Makes the rest of the story make a whole lot more sense in hindsight.
The void opened up inside me again, and the warm feeling ran through my bones. I felt Link again, inside my mind and inside my body.
Goeth: I’m starting to think that these two are nymphomaniacs.
Nora: Just now?
I heard his voice calling, felt his body against mine. Felt his heart beating. So warm….so calming….I reached for him, tried to touch him, then the void was shattered when I heard Link scream. I twisted in pain as he screamed inside my mind. My mind felt like it was on fire, my body felt like hot needles were being poked in. As Link twisted in pain I felt everything he was feeling. He screamed for me to help, but I was helpless.
Ert: Goeth, what did I tell you about torturing the characters in the story?
Goeth: Do to it with words and not with red hot needles.
Nora: You may want to rethink that. The guy can be a real Hannibal Lecter when he wants to be. Thankfully without the eating people part.
My body felt his heart beating faster, felt him twist in pain. I screamed as his voice ringed loudly through my mind. My head felt like it was being crushed as the intense pain raged threw me. I wanted it all to end, wanted the pain to go away.
Ert: I also said that you weren’t allowed to use vice grips on them.
Goeth: I didn’t.
Nora: Or your car. Come on Goeth, we don’t do the whole loophole thing.
Since of the connection that was bonding us together all pain that one feels, the other feels the same at the same time.
Goeth: Please point out when this was established to be how the connection works. It wasn’t. As such, you have no evidence that the pain you are feeling is the same pain that Link is feeling.
Ert: This is something that pops up in fanfiction all too often. People have everything thought out in their head, but don’t explain it all to the reader.
As the pain intensified, my heart began to beat faster, my pulse raced, and my body twisted and screamed as the shattering screams and pure pain raged threw my every vein. Then I opened my eyes and stared at Link with unblinking eyes as I watched him twisting in pain as he felt everything I was feeling.
Nora: At least there’s a logic in you being able to realize that you’re feeling what he does. As a concept I mean, in this story it doesn’t really work. But there’s no way to tell that he’s feeling what you are.
Goeth: Short of him reacting in a very specific way that cannot be mistaken for anything other than reacting to a stimuli that Jenna is feeling. And he has not done that.
My wrists twisted as Link and I moved around. I screamed louder, wanted it all to cease, prayed it would end, then all of the sudden the void broke and the pain ceased. Then I felt the warm run through me again. Link’s heart slowed its beat and his voice ran softly through my mind. Link touched my soul, and I felt a calming feeling come over me again.
Ert: Uh, ok. What was the point of that? How did making them feel all that pain help them develop a deeper bond?
Nora: I’m starting to get uncomfortable feelings about these monks. They keep making them drink weird shit, they’re causing them a lot of pain…are they putting Link and Jenna through a bonding ceremony or are they preparing them as human sacrifices.
Goeth: One sec. *Dials cellphone* Hm…yeah? I’ll tell them. *Hangs up* There’s nothing planned until December.
As the flame rose in my mind again, a rose bloomed in my soul.
Ert: This sentence. Just…just everything about it.
Link’s voice called from the flame and his touch came from the rose.
Ert: I…I…I have fucking nothing.
I tried to reach for the flame, tried to touch the rose, but the closer I got the further away they became.
Then the feeling changed. A pleasurable feeling started to surrounded me, and it rushed through my body like a raging river. I felt hot inside…. It felt erotic…..felt good.
Nora: Well, it seems that we’ve moved onto the sexual bonding pretty darn quick.
Goeth: I think they’re just that hormonal.
Then I could feel Link’s touch. It felt like he was inside me. It felt like our bodies merged.
Ert: I’ve honestly lost track of how many times Link has been inside you since this ritual started, so I’d like to know what makes this time so special.
Then the feeling grew stronger, grew more intense, and it became like a sexual feeling. It felt like having sex
Nora: Fast paced, disappointing, over far too soon, followed up by half an hour of crying?
……I felt a stronger connection with Link…..felt as if we were connected…..felt as if we were one. Felt as if we merged……..Then the void shattered around me and I awoke.
Ert: Once again, it feels like the only thing that is changing about the two of them is that the narration says that they’re closer. Their poorly defined relationship is now stronger. I have no idea if it was weak before or how much it has strengthened, because these two have all the color and variety of soggy bread.
I blinked in the sunlight and looked at Link. He was whipping the sweat from his brow. We were coming around from our strange experience, but we regained our senses quickly. My wrists hurt from all of the twisting.
Goeth: Ah yes, from the ropes. The ropes that served very little purpose.
I moved them around against his to get them comfortable. Then I turned to the head monk. He lowered his hands and clapped. The two monks came and removed the rope from around our wrists and took the bowl away. I rubbed my wrists to sooth the pain. He then placed a hand on my head and one on Link’s. After about a minuet, we were told the physical bonding was complete.
Ert: Just like that. You did thing and gained five points to your relationship. Gain fifteen more points and you level up. Or something.
Nora: We really wanted to get through the rest of this ritual (Sorta) but it was taking too damn long, so we’re cutting it here. With the weird way these chapters have been set up, we’re actually stopping just as a chapter ends here. I know. It’s that stupid.