1561: Hellsing Unleashed – OneshotPosted: October 12, 2016
Title: Hellsing Unleashed
Media: Anime / Video Games
Topic: Hellsing / Star Wars: Force Unleashed
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Hellsing Unleashed
Critiqued by Darth Overlord (Retired) Crunchy
Salutations once again, patrons. Taco has continued to elude capture, so you are privileged with my company for another week. Today the girls have found me a-
*Crunchy reads the title*
Hellsing fic, apparently. And it has been crossed with a Star Wars video game. How quaint; crossing two non-miscible canons. Such pairings always delight. A peek at the summary should give us some inkling what we are in for.
It has been a long rode for Starkiller, For he have lost everything, seapt Proxey, and the Reapublice. But he did lost Juno. After awile he crase lands on earth, but learns that evil is every where, but he will not stop untile he and his freinds are safe from harms way, and at leased he get a new girl now.
I hate everything. Well, more so than usual.
Disclaimer: i do not own Hellsing or Star wars: The Force Unleashed.
Yes, yes. Do you also feel compelled to inform us that you are not a sentient penguin head?
As a retiree, I have quite a bit of time that I can spend sitting here reading obvious statements.
Not much in the way of patience for it, but a large quantity of time nonetheless.
Also I Changed some thing and if you whach hellsing then you would now the mission to Ireland, and can you help me in some pointer to would you.
I certainly would hope you changed things. You are attempting to merge two extremely disparate canons. Doing so without changes would be insanity.
Being the Library, I of course expect insanity regardless.
So far as offering pointers. I advice at willing of plentiful in the writing.
do so couse i might need help.
Appears do as you though if might.
And Taco said I was silly for taking those courses in advanced gibberish.
Also its is the ultimate Hellsing not the Old one.
It is probably for the best that you left Cthulhu out of this. He does not take kindly to being included in horrible fanfiction.
And with a line break, we appear to finally be in the fic proper!
Everything was quiet in the Rouge Shadow, everything was at piece, but for one.
So everything was in pieces except for one of the pieces which was whole? My gibberish lessons did not adequately prepare me for this moment.
And from behind!
a man walks into the control room of the Ship, this man was in his early twenties, he also has short dark brown.
I suppose this would be Galen Marek, more commonly know as Starkiller. I have no idea why these newer Sith lords insist on picking angsty tadpoles for their apprentices, but I suppose Vader had his reasons. The synopsis on Starkiller here is that he is the “grimdark” version of Markus.
*Marcus leans into the room and flips Crunchy the bird*
I am suddenly reminded that I also have had the odd angsty apprentice in my day.
He has a handsome look.
I own a large pile of smirks that I have collected over the years if you want to trade away that handsome look.
He was built like a swordsman, and a fighter.
Such intricate description! It is like I am actually there looking at him.
This mans name is Galen Marek, but others nows him as Starkiller.
Do I celebrate in predicting the fic, or mourn?
” Proxey.” Said Starkiller in a calm voice.
Oh good, more space. A shame I already collected as much as I needed.
“Yes master.” Said the ship in a robotic voice.
” What sector are we in right know, and how many planets are there.”
Well, since a sector of space is several thousand light years in diameter, I presume there are a few million planets in it.
*Voidlord sneaks into the room and starts to munch on the sentence*
Quit that! As if there is not plentiful amounts of formless void floating around in the Library for you to eat.
” We are in Sector: 3395, Planets: 10, 8 uninhabitable, 1 Habitual, and 1 that could be in the process’s of habitation.”
Ah, by “sector” the author of course meant “solar system.” Easy mistake to make when you do not care about your writing enough to research your terminology.
*Crunchy slaps Voidlord’s hand as he reaches for the sentence.*
Go see if Gumdrop has any of those donuts with the pure vacuum filling left over.
” How long is this sector, and how long will it take us.”
How long will it take you to what?
” The Sector is parliamentary 12.1 billion light years, and would take us about fibe hour to get through.”
That is quite likely the largest parliament I have ever heard about! But that certainly does explain why there are only ten planets in that sector despite the enormity of it; planets cannot stand legislative procedure.
Starkiller thought of his next words. ” Have this Sector been traveled before.”
Note that it did not say that he thought very hard.
” No master, it has never been traveled or even adventured through sir.” Stated the ship.
We have scanned parliament and found no trace of intelligent life.
Suddenly the ship started to shake, and the worning single started to sound.
If you value your life, do not call Swenia a “worning single” directly to her face. Instead, do it quietly in a remote part of the bunker.
” Proxye, what the hell is going on.”
If you ever figure it out, feel free to inform the audience because we have not the foggiest idea.
” It is a metor shower sir. The damage to the ship is 15%, and still riseing.”
Where is this “metor” shower coming from? Is this ship parked on some planet? And what part of the ship is at fifteen-percent!?
WHAT IS GOING ON!?
*Crunchy shakes the fic*
That is strangely cathartic.
Starkiller cursed, then had a thought.
I am dubious.
” How close is the habited planet, and what is the spices there.”
Presuming we are speaking of Earth, it would be difficult to list all the spices; however, my preference is for garam masala. Though I suppose technically that is a spice mix and not a spice in its own right.
” The planet is proceminarly 1 hour away, and the spicies there are a younger class of human, which is old as 18,030, years of age.” Stated the ship.
I cannot say I have ever used a human as a spice, but I suppose there is a certain merit to the idea. I shall write that down and something to try.
*Crunchy scribbles in his notebook*
I find it interesting how wildly arbitrary that number is. If we assume that number indicates the origin of Homo Sapiens, then that places the timeline at around 180,000 B.C. If we were to assume this number is based on the beginning of the Neolithic period, then we’re looking at sometime after 6,000 A.D. as the time period for the fic.
Consider that a cautionary tale about just picking numbers that sound good rather than doing research.
Every thing was starting to colm down now. ” Proxy what is the damage raiting now.”
Well, glad we had that inconsequential thing happen; it certainly added much needed tension.
” It is 50% damage to the ship, master.” Starkiller cused again. ” Damn… Set a course to the habited planet.”
” Yes sir.” Stated the ship.”
If you are missing half your ship, I would say you have reached an appropriate juncture to panic.
Hopefully there is an engine on the remaining half of the ship, otherwise this is going to be a very short story.
*Looks at the word count*
Well look at that, it is a very short story!
( On Earth.)
Ah yes, a scene tag. Good, I enjoy basking in the rage those inspire.
Integra Fairbrooks Windgates Hellsing was in deap thought, when Alucard came. ” Ah, Alucard.”
*Porno music blasts over the intercom system*
*Crunchy rubs his temples*
I cannot fathom why we even have an intercom system anymore.
For those unfamiliar with the source material, Integra Hellsing is the descendant of Abraham Van Hellsing. She runs the Hellsing Organization, a shadow group dedicated to protecting the monkey population from supernatural threats. Alucard is the crazed and extremely powerful vampire that is a servant to Integra and functions as the organization’s trump card.
And there you go. You are now as versed as you likely need to be in the Hellsing canon.
” You called for me Master.” Stated a smilling Alucard.
No, she called for you, not your master. Because she is your master. And where did you pick up the accent?
” Yes, and it is a mission to Ireland!”
Wait, his master is a mission to Ireland? I thought Integra was his master. Were we supposed to do some additional reading before this fic?
” But, I thought the Iscarlets have duristriction there?” Stated a counfused Alucard.
No, the Iindigos have lufisterion there. The Iscarlets duristicate in Brazil.
” Actualy we have duristriction their.”Said a blunt Integera.
But if Hellsing is duristicating their Iscarlets in Ireland, where are they going to duristicate the lufisterite?
” What is the information on this place Master.” Sad a insane happy Alucard.
Alucard is not bipolar, at least, I presume he is not. He seems more of a sociopath to me.
Not that I would know much about sociopaths.
” The information you are asking are in these folders, here.” Said Integera, giving Alucard the folder full of the Info, that Alucard needs.
*Writhes around on the ground*
After a minute reading. ” Good this will be a better ecersise for Ploice girl, then that last mission with the dead love birds.” Stated a smilling Alucard.
*Tilts his head*
Um, what? What in the world is a Ploice?
” Yes it would do nicley for the girl… and Alucard would you please tell her to drink blood please.” Said integera with a smile of her own.
For those wondering what is going on, I invite you to watch Hellsing Ultimate. Provided that you can survive the advertisements, you can view the entire series free of charge so long as you sign up for an account to verify your age.
Strangely, they had issues validating the birthday that I gave them, so I had to make something up that would fit within their rather limited date rage.
” As you wish Master.” Then Alucard fasied through the floor.
I feel soiled by all pop culture references I have been exposed to.
( Italy, Rome.”
How do you so fundamentally mess up something as lazy as a scene tag!?
Fine. We shall just accept it. Tell us, fic, what is happening in the city of Italy in Rome?
I am beginning to consider a counter, which is an accomplishment for a oneshot.
there was a man talking with some childeren, who was in his mid Thirties, early fourties, with blond hair, blue eyes, with round classes that shine little bit of brite blue.
That is quite an old child. What about the other children, though? Were they likewise as well seasoned?
I need to practice better phrasing. Now I have a craving for well-seasoned children.
Just as suddenly their came a old man wereing prist robs.
*Porno music intensifies*
Honestly, does our intercom system do anything other than play synthetic keyboard music?
When the other man spotted the older one, he the children to go inside.
So, two old children square off while the other old children go inside. Makes perfect sense.
” Yes father Anderson.” Said the two children.
So there are only the two old children. Except for those other old children that went inside.
My brain is getting dangerously close to needing a reboot.
When the childeren left Anderson turn tords the old man. ” What do ye want father.” ask Anderson.
Aha! So the old men children turned into tords! Now it all makes sense again!
” Alexsander Anderson, we have cleansing to do in Ireland.” Said the old man bluntly.
” Those demon are goin to howa very bad night, Arn’t they father.” Said Anderson.
*Crunchy walks into the room and shoves his corpse out of the chair*
A fic this horrible attempted to mimic Alexander’s accent. No, no, all is well. I am convinced that less than half of the audience died of brain hemorrhaging.
” yes my child they will all pay for what they did.” Sai the old man.
Sai? Wait, is that a typo? Did the author mean to type Sae!? Sae Kurosawa!?
Best day ever! Sae! I just so happen to be a huge fan of your work!
Shame about becoming an old man, but we all have those kind of days.
” I guss to night hell will have more damned souls… when do I leave.”
” You leave in two hours.”
” Good.” Said a smilling Anderson.
The amount of smiling in this fic is becoming worrisome. I hope whatever they have does not spread via reading.
( In Space.)
How very specific.
” Master we wont last alother minuter.” Sated Proxey
My cup of poor spelling runneth over. Truly, I am sated with it.
Starkiller was thinking what to do, and he was a little nervas. ” Proxey how far till the planet.”
Suddenly Lithuanian. Though I cannot decide what it meant by Starkiller being a little never. Is that anything like being a big never?
” We have 30 second till we reach the planets Atmosphere.” Stated Proxey.
” Good, Proxey get into you body and get out of the ship.”
” Yes Master.”
A maneuver that is rather amusing while going hyperspeed.
Suddenly a Pod was lunch tords a planet. ” Proxey are you in the lunch Pod.”
*Munches contently on his sandwich*
Mmm, offps. Sohry, thish is mah lunch pawd. Ged your own!
” Yes Master.”
” Good, I’ll meet you on the surface.”
Of all the words not to misspell. I do so miss fics where the characters meat each other.
After a few more moments, Starkiller went to open his Ships hatch, and befor he leapt off, he said to his ship. ” Good bye old girl.” Then he leapt.
A great maneuver to do while barreling toward a planet.
At least he will be nice and tender after he lands near the lunch pod. I certainly would not turn down some seconds.
He was now pluming to the planet at the speed of 200 Mph, and was going faster.
That is not all that fast. Maybe you need to billow at the planet just a little faster. Someone waft him a bit!
He was getting close to the groung that he could make out the outline of a buliding.
“Groung not like tiny man fall at home!”
Go away, Groung, nobody asked you!
After he saw it, he used the force to gain momentome to hit the building much harder, but he nock himself off course, and now he was heading tords a lake.
“Tiny man break home!? NO! Now break lake, too!?”
I said go away!
He thought to himself. ” This is going to hurt alot.”
Leave the alot alone, you swine! What did it ever do to you!?
Then he hit the water.
At the risk of appearing more common than in fact I am, I must say:
DROWN! DROWN! DROWN! DROWN! DROWN! DROWN! DROWN! DROWN! DROWN! DROWN! DROWN! DROWN!
After awile he came out of the lake.
Oh for the love-
*Porno music intensifies and then shorts out the speaker*
Oh, well, good.
Yep that hurt alot.”
*Energy crackles between Crunchy’s claws*
I said to leave the alot be. I will not repeat myself again.
He winced when he moved his left arm. ” No matter.”Suddenly somthing graped his shoulder.
Great, now the little upstart will probably start wining.
He turned very quickly, but to only see Proxey in is body. ” Uhhh, Proxey you do not now that I nearly cut off your head off just now.”\
Which, being a robot, would be a minor inconvenience, so why share that fact?
” Sorry Master I didn’t know that I scared you.” Stated Proxey.
To be fair to Proxey here, generally Sith, and to a lesser extent Jedi, have Force-enhanced situational awareness. If you happen to be surprised that the whelp here was so easily taken unaware, please see me after class for your complimentary electrocution.
” It is ok, just tell me hen your closs ok.” Said Starkiller in a happy voice.
” Yes Master.”
Was that a slur against chickens? As a distant ancestor, I feel insulted.
Suddenly they heard a scream where the building was.
Groung, I told you to go away! No-one cares about your home!
Suddenly a woman came running out of the forest, being chase by a man. ” HELP ME… PLEASE SOME ONE HELP ME.” yelled the woman, who seamed to be crying in fear.
When in fact she was actually-
This fic is sew bad that it constantly has me in stitches.
The man was catching up to the woman, when suddenly he was inpaled by a ligt saber that Starkiller through.
I am regretting not starting a “suddenly” counter.
To be fair to Starkiller here, he is a Sith apprentice, so killing a man without knowledge of the situation is an adequate response.
Though I would have killed them both. So much unnecessary noise.
It was blue. The man droped for a moment then he got up and stat chasing the woman again.
Well then, that is certainly different, but some creatures are rather resistant to impaling. Fortunately, very few are resistant to dicing.
Starkiller was a little shacked by this, but then therw his other light saber a the mans head, but this time though it was a green on. The man the droped to the ground, this time dead.
Never assume, dense one. Dice him. And then dice the female just in case.
Then Starkiller went to the woman. ” Ma’am what happened to you.. Starkiller said in a calm and patent voice.
“I killed that man’s wife while I was robbing them and he just went crazy! Thank you so much for murdering him for me! If we go back to their house, I will split their possessions with you, seventy-thirty.”
The woman was very frighting and couldn’t speak. Then Starkiller read her mind, and was shocked of what he saw.
A big fan of your work, Sae. Can you autograph my scythe!?
Then he used the force. ” You will not remeber what happen to night know go home and sleep.”
Okay, so you filled her brain with the knowledge of going home and sleeping. How is that going to help?
The woman said the same thing but it talk abou her self. ” I will not remmber what happen, and I will go home now and sleep.” Said the woman who was not scared anymore.
After a while Proxey started to speak. ” Master why did you erased that womans memory?”
Seemed like the thing to do. People really worry too much about their memories. They are better off without them.
Star killer didn’t speak for awile. ” Because we need to do something were she came from… are you with me Proxey.”
“Yes sir, even without knowing what we are going to do, I am with you. What must we do?”
There are a lot of children that need to be eaten.
” You Master should now that I’m alway with you!” Stated Proxey.
After they reached the building they heard gun shots, and loud ones too. ” What the hell is that!”
” If I new any better, I would say that are slugs.” Stated Proxey.
That am gunshots. Yous cannot no what kind of project are be use just earing at it.
I feel unclean.
Suddenly the loud slug went quiet, and was replased with a loud laughter. ” Whoe.” Stated a curiuse Starkiller.
Oh, was it an actual slug? If it was, how could it be loud? What do those sound like, anyway?
Will you keep your mucus down!? Some of us are trying to read here!
They then went inside the building. They were on the first floor. When they got to the second floor, they saw bodies, lots, and lots of bodies.
Honestly, Sae, huge fan of your work. If you prefer, you can just sign my tail feathers.
” My god what the hell happened here!” Stated Starkiller.
” I would say Master that they were shot with slugs.”
You keep using that word.
” I now that Proxey but who would do such a…” Suddenly they saw a woman coming tords them, so they hid in the Shadows.
So the author wrote Shadow in just so Starkiller could cut him open and hide inside? I approve.
The woman had a yellow clothing that look like a uniform, and she bloond hair and blue eyes. Also she look about 21 years old, and she was very butiful.
Ugh. Why is there always a thinly veiled sexual interest? At least those “sensual masterpieces” Swenia watches are honest in their intent.
” Whoe.” Said Starkiller in thought. Then Starkiller notice that she was holding somthing.
Please be a knife, please be a knife, please be a knif-
When he look a little closer, he was shocked hat she was holding a head of a man, who look 28 years old, and had dark black hair.
You know, I am so rarely greeted with a pleasant surprise that I have entirely forgotten how to react to them. I think I shall just sit here and chirp happily for a while.
Then he even look closer, to see that she was stabed and still hade what stabed her was still in. Then the woman turned and was speaking to the head, but Starkiller couldn’t hear what she said whan suddenly a knife was throwned at the head.
And we get the knife, too!?
*Crunchy swoons into a happy pile on the floor*
Starkiller and Proxey had enough time to get out of the way inside a room. ” Whoe… that was a close one.” Said Starkiller.
” Yes Master that was a very close one, and if we hadden’t gotten out of the way in another 5 nonoseconds you would of been stabed in the heart.” Stated Proxey.
Wait, he lives?
*Crunchy picks himself up off the floor and flops back into his chair*
I knew there was some bad news in here somewhere. Way to ruin the moment, author.
” who woulda thought of that.” Sarcasly said they hurd gun shot out in the hall way. ” Uh’oh.”
I am unconvinced that you actually know how sarcasm works. Let alone how it is spelled.
Then they hurd a woman speak. ” Didn’t you Iscarlet basterds new that this is in are durstriction, and didn’t you now that that girl is my one of my opertives.”
And you killed the guy chasing her. There is some hope for you yet, young Sithling! You have been on this planet for less than ten minutes and you already have one murder under your belt!
Suddenly they herd two differnt grunt, then a clash of metal. ” You think ye Hellsing think that they could out match the Iscarlets.” Gleed the man.
Ew. If you are going to glee everywhere, at least put a tarp down.
” we been around for generations, while you Hellsings been around for a hundred years.” Starkiller had enough and start cut through the wall to get around to the man.
The man is not hiding, nor does he seem particularly interested in avoiding you. Maybe you should not compromise the structural integrity of this building. If you cut too much, you could bring it down on top of your-
By all means, cutting through the wall is really the only logical way to get to the other man. I suggest you make the hole as large as you can in order to better see through it.
( Integera prospective.)
Someday. Someday you will be Integera. But today is not that day. Keep trying and it will happen eventually.
Integera was having a very bad time now because, she was having trouble against Anderson, because he was putting all of his wait behind his baynetts.
Oh I know. The queues for Anderson’s baynetts are crazy. But, I shall offer you a little secret. Ashcroft’s lagoonbaggs are almost as good, much cheaper, and there is no waiting.
Also she was getting very tired. But then suddenly a hand grabed Anderson, and he was tosed off her.
Protip for those who want to avoid a trip to the respawn chamber: Do not pull random people off Swenia, even if she is screaming at them.
When Integera look, thinking it was Alucard or Seras, was a bit suprised that it was a differnt person altogether. Then the person spoke to her. ” You ok ma’am.” integera was speachless, that this man saved her. She then remembered what he said. ” Uh… Yes I’m all right.”
Once again, he saves the woman without any context beyond his own casual sexism. I knew a number of female Sith lords who would love to play with this kid.
A shame that most of them died a few million years ago. Such is life.
Though, in all fairness to the story, he is only fifty-fifty for the female being the correct person to save.
” Good.” Then the man turned his gazed back to Anderson. What Integera saw was chilling evan to her. ” His eye, they look like he saw to much, and…” She was speachless when she look deaper into his eye. ” And he… he has sad eyes.” Thought Integera.
No. Starkiller is many things, but having chilling eyes compared to what Integra has already seen is not one of them.
For reference, Integra regularly looks into these eyes:
Even as a retired Sith Lord, I have to acknowledge that the bar for unsettling eyes is very high in this case. Certainly much higher than “sad.”
Suddenly a bayonett came flying tords the man. Just as suddenly the man activated a weapon, and block the knife, which look melted. When Integera look back at Anderson, he look suprised.
You know, I’m not entirely sure what would happen if you tried to block a giant flying sword with a lightsaber. Cannot say that it came up much. Seems as equally likely to melt and deflect the sword as it would turn the sword into a flying stream of molten metal headed straight toward the person holding the lightsaber.
This is why I generally dodge weapons that I have never personally deflected.
Then Anderson Laugh. This starteled the man. After Anderson funny moment stoped, he ask the man. ” Boy what is your name.” Anderson started to smile.
You will regret asking that. Primarily because the kid’s codename is rather moronic and juvenile.
The man look at Anderson for a moment then said. ” Galen Marek is my name, but people call me Starkiller.”
It sounds even sillier when he says it out loud like that!
To be countinued.
Luckily, the author never carries through with that threat. Even so, he does take a few parting shots at the audience.
Sorry for stoping there but I would like to keep the story intersting
Unfortunately, you stopped about two-thousand words too late for that.
and don’t worry’ I’ll right ch 2 soon ok.
Worry not, this is once again an empty threat.
Also R&R me as soon as you read this please.
Author, you may read the above at your leisure.
And that, my dear patrons, is that. I feel quite sullied after a fic of that degree of terrible. If anyone should need me, I will be rolling in the dust bath on sublevel twelve-c.