1560: My Inner Life: Chapter 3 Part 2 & Chapter 4

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

MOAR BAD SEX

Ert: When we last left our heroes they had just had snu-snu. What comes next in their life?

Nora: More snu-snu?

Ert: Go to your room.

The next morning I awoke in bed lying on Link’s chest while he stroked my hair. We talked awhile before rising and getting dressed.

Ert: So they talked about nothing that was worth describing in detail? You know what the sad thing about that is? I have no trouble believing it.

Nora: Seriously, thanks for saving us the time.

After he got dressed he went down stairs to cook breakfast as I went to freshen up. I washed my face and hands then I went to the wardrobe closet to select a dress. I picked out a low cut long silk blue dress with a gold Hylian symbol on the lower part of the dress. I put on my wedding ring, the bracelet Zelda gave me, and fixed my hair then I went down stairs.

Link greeted me at the bottom and his eyes widened as he looked me over. He took me into his arms and kissed me. “You look beautiful, my love.” His eyes seemed to flicker with passion as he held me in his arms.

Ert: Bleh. This is closer to the correct usage of seemed/seemingly, but it still rubs me the wrong way. It just doesn’t sound right.

Nora: Tip for writers. Word usage can be technically right, but still sound wrong.

He knew how to make me feel good. His words soft and gentle. He was the perfect man.

Goeth: Perfect man = good lay with a soft tone.

Ert: Jenna’s standards do seem that low. I mean when you get down to it, I honestly think the silent Link from the games had more personality than this Link. At least that Link had some fairly emotive cries and grunts.

I walked over to the dinning table and glanced over all the food Link had prepared. “I hope your hungry, my sweet.”

Nora: My hungry? It’s out in the back yard and I’m leaving it out there. It tore up the carpet the last time I let it into the house.

He said as I nodded yes. Link pulled out my chair, I sat down and he pushed my chair in before seating himself. While we ate we talked about the plans for the day. Since it was a beautiful day and the area nice, I thought going horseback riding would be the thing to do.

Ert: Considering the sheer distance they probably had to travel to get here, I’d think that they’d be a little sick of riding.

Goeth: And this is with the unrealistically fast transportation that was shown in the earlier chapters.

But then I remembered one thing, there was only one horse, Epona. A look of disappointment crossed my face, I had really wanted to go horseback riding.

Ert:…This is the drama of the last part of this chapter people. There’s only one horse. Now let Link point out the bloody, fucking obvious.

Then Link had an idea. “Epona is strong enough to hold us both. “She carried us both here.”

Ert: THANK YOU! SERIOUSLY! Is there so little going on in this story that THAT is what you have your characters fret over? Are your lives honestly going to be that boring?

“You can just sit behind me and put your arms around my waist.” Link said as smile widened and I felt better.

Nora: Which is either what we did yesterday and I need to remind you, or something we didn’t do yesterday and there’s an alternative solution that both of us forgot. Either way, we’re damn stupid.

After breakfast, Link went to saddle Epona while I did the dishes. When I finished Link poked his head in the door and said he was ready. I removed my apron, put on my riding boots and followed Link out the door. Epona was in front saddled and ready to go. The rusty brown mare was truly beautiful horse.

Ert: I can feel the neurons in my head frying themselves every time I see grammar like that.

Nora: And you feel like Jenna might have gotten ready to go riding a little quicker. Yes, there is so little going on in this story that I have to comment on that.

I walked up to her and patted her on the head. She gently put her mussel near my face to show no fear. As I looked at her, she was the most beautiful horse I had ever seen.

Goeth: You were already talking about how beautiful she was three seconds ago. Kindly relay new information to the audience.

Ert: On the one hand, less of the same bullshit, on the other, more new bullshit. Tough choice…

Link took my hand and helped me into the saddle. Then he mounted in front of me.

Nora: If he wasn’t on the horse already, how does him taking your hand help you up?

Ert: Magic.

I put my arms around his waist as he checked to see if I was ready then booted Epona in the ribs and she took off at a gallop.

Ert: Better. Still, a nudge would’ve been all that was needed. Horses aren’t so stupid that they can’t take subtle directions.

We rode down to the ocean along the beach. Water kicked up behind Epona’s legs as we rode along the waters edge.

Nora: Wait, are they in water or near the water?

Goeth: Maybe both. Maybe neither. Reality could be inverting onto itself.

The ocean air smelled sweet and the breeze was cool. I looked over Link’s shoulder to see what lay ahead. The beach was vast and wide. Rocky cliffs lined the water further down. Small caves with water flowing into them lined a small island far in the distance.

Ert: No, that’s really interesting…really interesting…really…g bhlubgbgbilu.

Nora: Ert?

Ert: BWHA!? I wasn’t sleeping!

Nora: Yeah, those keyboard prints on your face were always there.

Then I turned and looked over the vast ocean and saw small islands lining the horizon. This was truly a beautiful place. So peaceful, so serene, it almost made me not want to leave .

Then we arrived at a small alcove and Link stopped Epona. He dismounted then helped me down. “This is a real beautiful spot let’s just sit here awhile.” Link said as his blue eyes shone in the sunlight.

Ert: What makes it different from the rest of the beach? Alcoves in of themselves don’t exactly look like the type of place that you want to spend with your sweetheart.

Nora: You know we’re not going to get anything else from this story.

Ert: I know, but asking sarcastically keeps me up and at em.

After we sat down in the sand, I laid my head on Link’s shoulder as he put his arm around me.

I watched as distant Seagulls flew over the ocean in search of food. The cool breeze blew threw my hair as the salt air tingled my senses. I felt at peace here.

Goeth: I suppose this is supposed to be establishing done. It does it barely competently, but still screws it up by being bare bones and having nothing of real value to bring to the conversation.

Here, there were no wolfos to chase off, no thieves, no duties no nothing. But I knew that soon it would all be over and we would have to return to Hyrule.

Nora: Where I doubt you will run into any of these. And Hyrule? Did you leave the freaking country? With one horse? Without stopping? Yeah, Epona would be dead.

“Don’t worry about that!” I thought to myself. “Your here with the man you love, your new husband.” “Enjoy it with him.” “Don’t be a fool!”

Ert: Tells herself not to be a fool. Has to remind herself that the man that she loves is also her new husband.

Goeth: Also, yes, the marriage last night did actually happen.

Then I got up and ran towards the ocean. Walking into the water I turned and giggled at Link. Then I gestured for him to follow. Leery he came to the ocean’s edge and then I splashed water on him. He looked at me sideways before he splashed water back at me. No sooner had that started, we were running around in the water splashing each other and laughing like little kids.

Ert: In a competently written story, this could be a really cute and heartwarming scene. Something that shows how these two can let their guards down around each other and let their more basic instincts kick in around. As it stands, it’s just really stupid.

We played all day. Just like we were kids again.

Nora: Hold on, DRD invasion, be right back.

I was having the best time of my life. When it started to get dark, we went back up to the beach and sat down in the sand to watch the sun set. I cuddled into Link’s arms and laid my head against his chest as the sun’s golden rays slowly started to set below the horizon.

Nora: And a second one. Man, the respawn room is going to be getting a lot of exercise with the number of times Herr keeps getting thrown in the shark tank.

Goeth: I’m confused. Is the sun setting or exploding? This story is very vague

“My life with Link will be a happy and special one.” He is all I need.” “Soon we will have a family and my life will be truly complete.” As I thought to myself my eyes slowly drifted. And as the sun’s last rays disappeared over the horizon I closed my eyes……….

Goeth: She is awfully eager to be procreating. Even women who want families tend to wait a little bit after they’re married before they start breeding. Most of the time they want to spend time fornicating with their spouse instead.

Ert: Unless Jenna is into maiesiophilia…*Dumps head into barrel of bleach*

Back at the cottage I was bathing while Link prepared the evening meal. After a bit Link came upstairs to check on me. “I came to see if you need any help bathing.” He asked.

Nora: That has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Of course she doesn’t need help bathing, she’s a grown-

As I looked into his eyes, I took my hand and slowly ran it from the top of my shoulder and down over my breasts. “I could use my back washed.” I said seductively.

Nora: Oh. It was flirting. Well, it was still really crappy flirting. And isn’t dinner being cooked? Maybe you can save round #3 of snu-snu until after? Because best case scenario it’ll be cold by the time you’re done.

Ert: Worst case scenario the house burns down. Fires in the middle ages had a tendency to start in kitchens, for obvious reasons. Now it was never established that he left things going, but it was never established that he finished dinner either. So let’s start evacuating the building people.

Taking the hint, Link took the washrag and begun to wash my back.

Ert: *Looks at watch* Get to the fucking point already.

After a minute he put the rag down in the water and begun to passionately kiss my neck. Moaning softly I turned my head to face him and gently pressed my lips on his kissing him deeply, our tongues meeting. As we kissed I could feel his hands moving down my naked body.

Nora: Well, I didn’t think we would be needing this counter. But, here we are.

(Snu-Snu Counter: 3)

Gently he lifted me out of the tub and led me to the bed while we kissed. Softly he laid me down and climbed on top of me. I could feel his body quivering as he moved from my lips and down on my body. Then he spread my legs and went down.

Goeth: *Flips through Mad Scientist Weekly* I object to the use mad now that I think about it. It’s just a loaded term used to dismiss people who don’t think along the mainstream.

I felt his lips on my thigh, as he slowly kissed inward. Then when he reached the center, he pressed his mouth onto my flower. I felt as he slowly inserted his tongue between the lips causing me to cry out in pure bliss. Then he moved up until his tongue brushed against my clit.

Ert: Is this a sex scene or an instruction manual? I ask because it’s very freaking stiff…and not like that, wipe that smirk off your face.

Working his teeth and tongue on my clit, shocks of pure ecstasy were sent cursing threw me causing my legs to shudder. Never had I felt such feelings,

Nora: You never felt feelings like this for the freaking fifth time.

(Known Unknown Feelings Counter: 5)

never had I experienced such pleasure. As he teased my clit, I felt his tongue move down until it was at my entrance. Slowly he inserted his tongue and my back arced as I cried out in pure bliss. Then slowly Link upped his movements, sending momentary shocks threw my lower organs as my legs convulsed. As his tongue moved deeper inside me I grabbed the back of his head as I begun to climax. Then when he hit the right spot I arced my back and screamed in ecstasy as I gushed into his mouth.

Ert: Wow, that was boring. I was right before. Locate the hole, insert part, wiggle until something happens. Thank you for purchasing sex from IKEA. Please only swear five times in frustration from following our instructions.

Painting from the intense experience I got up and looked into his eyes, and knew what he wanted. Slowly I removed his clothes and opened myself to him. I let him take control. Allowed him to fulfill himself. Long Into the night there was nothing but hot passion.

Nora: Well she’s a bit of a selfish lover. We get to read about her getting eaten out, but there’s nothing for Link?

The last few days were either spent down at the beach or taking peaceful walks together. I knew we only had a small amount of time left here but I spent every minuet enjoying it. And on the day we were returning to Hyrule I couldn’t wait to get back. Upon our arrival at the castle the king and Princess Zelda were at the gates to greet us home.

Ert: Why are these two doting on Link and Jenna like Link and Jenna are their freaking kids?

Back in Hyrule

“Welcome home, how was thy honeymoon?” The King questioned.

Nora: I decided to talk in thys and thous out of nowhere. Even though most characters don’t do this! It’s like Dark Souls! Except not good!

“We had the time of our lives.” Link winked and a grin happed upon his face. “It was very beautiful, thank you soo much.” I said hugging the King tightly.

Ert: Don’t make me put in a counter for that (Please don’t, I can’t handle rereading this damn story to find all the times it was done)

“I really enjoyed the time with Link.” Just then Zelda spoke up. “A fairy from the forest has sent word that the Great Deku Tree wants to speak with you both.” Link and I exchanged glances. “The Great Deku Tree has summoned us?” I said as I looked back at Zelda.

Ert: No, I was lying, you got me. YES HE FUCKING DID YOU NITWIT! Is your cap on too tight?

Nora: You think that the Great Deku Tree wouldn’t really be sending out messages. He had a little bit of a problem. What was it again? Oh right. HE’S DEAD!

“Yes the word came in this morning.” Link looked at me with a confused look. “We had better not keep The Great Deku Tree waiting.” Link inquired. “Jenna my daughter I will have one of your horses saddled and brought to you.” I nodded and then the King and Princess Zelda returned to the castle.

Ert: No, you can’t do that. Nora is right. The Great Deku Tree is dead. By the time this story takes place, he’s been dead for YEARS! Whether the seven years in Hyrule or the two years everywhere else. Ganondorf cursed it. Granted, after Link beats the Forest Temple the Great Deku Tree Sprout appears. A descent of the Great Deku Tree. But that’s not what this story said. They said the Great Deku Tree. Even if it was the sprout, I doubt it’s fully grown yet, considering it’s only the size of a man when it first appears, and the Great Deku Tree is a LOT bigger than that.

http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/zelda/images/5/54/Link_Enters_the_Great_Deku_Tree.png/revision/latest?cb=20110423221417

Ert: A LOT bigger.

After a few minuets a stable hand

Nora: So a hand is just floating in the air?

Goeth: Master Hand! Get back to Smash Brothers!

came with my brown mare “Star Dancer.” Link helped me up into the saddle then mounted Epona. Link gently booted Epona and she took off at a gallop. I then followed. We headed to Kokiri forest. It was not a long ride, but we had to make haste. As we arrived at the entrance to the Kokiri forest, Saria was there to greet us. “You made it, The Great Deku Tree is waiting.”

Ert: I just want to point out that LQ thought that less than seventy words was enough to convey two people riding halfway across the country.

Nora: And even if we assume that Hyrule is much bigger than depicted in game, that was still way too fast.

Saria said as we dismounted. “I will have your horses tended to.” “Please go on.”

Ert: Ok, who knows how to take care of a horse?

Goeth: What’s a horse?

Ert: Oh right, we don’t have them in the forest…uh…help?

We each exchanged looks then entered the Kokiri Village. All of the Kokiri watched us as we make our way through. Then when we reached the entrance to the Great Deku Tree’s meadow, Mido the Kokiri leader was waiting. “You must hurry, the Great Deku Tree is waiting.” Mido said as he ushered us onward. We walked down the path and into the meadow.

Nora: Thanks Mido. As always you’ve been a big help. You keep standing there and blurting out what people already know.

Ert: YOU MAY NOT PASS WITHOUT A SHIELD!

As we stood in front of The Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. “Link and Jenna, thoust has arrived.”

Nora: Oh did we? I hadn’t noticed.

“Come come, sit I have great news for thee.” Link and I sat down in the grass and awaited for the Great Deku Tree’s news. “Link, “Hero of Time”-thou art courageous, ye saved Hyrule and hast taken a wife.”

Ert: You know, this is a stupidly short chapter, and good portions of it are dedicated to people talking about things that the audience already knows. I understand that books are easily the most flexible storytelling medium out there in terms of the number of words you can afford to waste, but this story still wastes way too much.

“Jenna, thou art spiritual, ye lost thy family, then began a vagabond’s journey.

Nora: I’m just gonna ding the timer three times for that.

(Mary Sue Counter: 13)

“Now thou hast taken a husband.” “Shall ye seek the blessing of child?” I turned to Link and we exchanged smiles as we said “Yes.” “Since Hyrule is at peace now things are all well, but the Desert Man may some day return. “I give each of ye a Guardian Fairy to protect ye.”

Ert: “The desert man may some day return.” Of course Gannondorf is coming back. I think the fact that he swore that he would do it at the end of the game should be a good indicator of that. Plus the fact that he ALWAYS comes back.

Goeth: Even before the timeline had to be split into three different sections in order for Zelda to make sense, he came back. The man has ambition and determination.

Just then two fairies, one with a pink aura and one with a blue aura flew over to us. “I cannot believe that fairies really exist.” I thought to myself.

Nora: For someone so well traveled, she knows absolutely nothing about the world. Fairies are not unique to Hyrule.

I watched as the blue fairy flew over to Link. “Long time no see Link.” “How I have missed you.” Link looked at the fairy and smiled big. “Navi, my old friend, I have missed you too.” “How have you been since last we saw each other?”

Goeth: Good old Navi

Ert: Truth be told, she’s not THAT annoying. On the other hand, where the hell did Navi go at the end of the game? She left Link for reasons unknown. Possibly because she was only supposed to be with him while he was doing his saving the world thing. So what’s the explanation in this story?

Nora: *Crickets*

Ert: Great…

Link inquired the blue fairy. “Oh great.” “I see you have taken a wife.” “She is truly beautiful, Link.” “You two will make beautiful children together.”

Ert: Can we please stop fucking talking about how well the genes of these two will mix?

Goeth: It’s not even guaranteed that their children will be considered attractive. Recessive genes are always a potential factor.

The fairy smiled at Link then flew over to me. The Pink one behind her. As the fairy hovered in front of me her blue aura seemed so beautiful, so peaceful. “My name is Navi and this is Lilly.”

Nora: You can tell which one was thought up by a team of professionals and which one was thought up by a fan fiction author!

Ert: And I say this AS a fan fiction author.

“Hello.” the Pink fairy said. “We will be the Guardian Fairies for Link and you from now on.” Navi inquired. I could not believe I was getting a fairy. They were only told in storybook tales where I came from. But as I looked at Navi and Lilly, I was glad they were not just myths. I was glad to have a fairy partner.

Ert: I have to say, I’m getting a little tired of the whole fairy tale thing. Every single time Jenna has learned about something mystical, she squawks about how she thought it only ever existed in fairy tales.

Navi then flew back over to Link and Lilly came over to me. “Hello Jenna, its nice to meet you.” Lilly said as she hovered in front of me. As I looked at the Pink Fairy, I was glad that she was my Guardian.

Nora: For reasons. She didn’t even know that fairies were real until a few seconds ago, nor that she would need protection from an apparently dangerous man, but apparently she’s sickeningly ok with all of this.

Goeth: I think that counts for another one.

(Mary Sue Counter: 14)

“Lilly, I think we are going to be good friends.” “As do I.” Lilly responded.

Ert: Lily’s not going to have any personality, is she?

Nora: The only thing that we know about her is that she’s pink. What do you think is going to happen?

Then I got up and went over to Link. I threw my arms around him and looked into his eyes. His eyes seemed to glow in the sunlight. I laid my head against his chest and begun to think to myself. “A Guardian Fairy.” “I would have never dreamed.” “It is not a myth, this is real.” “And I am very lucky.”

Just then The Great Deku Tree spoke again once more. “Thou art courageous and thou art spiritual will be protected if the Desert Man should ever return.”

Ert: Ok GDT. Please stop referring to Ganondorf with that term. It’s starting to sound a wee bit racist.

“Then your Guardian Fairies will help protect ye.” “When thou hast thy first born, return to see me.” With his words spoken The Great Deku Tree returned to his slumber.

Nora: That’s it? “Hey, have some fairies, get back where when you have the kid.” Nothing else? I feel like our time was just wasted. Granted, that’s nothing new here, but I still can’t help but wonder what the planned point for this chapter is?

Goeth: Everyone seems to think that these two are together mainly for the sake of procreation as well.

I held Link’s hand as I looked at the two fairies. “This is truly a great gift The Great Deku Tree has given us.” Then I looked back at Link and he nodded in agreement. Link and I then kissed before we started for home.

Ert: I guess. Fairies are nice, but really Link already knew Navi. Him getting her back just feels like it’s very low effort. Par for the course really.

When we returned to Kokiri Village, all of the Kokiri especially Saria wanted to know what The Great Deku Tree told us. Saria’s eyes widened when we told her we had our own fairies. Even more so when she found out Navi returned to Link.

Nora: And for some reason she needed to be told this. She couldn’t just look up and see the bright, glowing orbs that were floating around their heads.

Ert: I’ve noticed a lot of staples in bad fanfiction, and one that keeps popping up is the need for people to dramatically reveal information.

“That is great news!” Saria said cheerfully. “It is great to see that Navi has returned.” Link nodded and a smile crossed his face. “How come they get fairies?” “They are not even Kokiri!” A voice called from behind. Just then the head strong Mido approached us. “What makes them so special to get their own fairies?” Mido questioned.

Nora: Hold on a second Mido! You’re not properly dressed to be asking questions like that! Here, I’ll be sure to get your proper outfit.

Nora: Much better!

Ert: Mido is a jackass, but even he was coming around to feeling sorry for the way he treated Link. So this feels forced.

Saria turned and looked at Mido square in the face. “Link is the “Hero of Time.” “He is special and so is his wife.”

Goeth: Link? Yes. Jenna? No.

Ert: She’s less special and more speshul.

“As the Sage of the Forest I remember what Gannon said as we sealed him the Sacred Realm.” “He cursed that he would one day get revenge on Link or his decedents.”

Nora: Glad to know that you were listening when he was floating in that infinite white void.

“Link has already confided in me that he and his new wife plan on having children.” “They will need protection if Gannon should ever return.” “He would go after Link and his family first.”

Ert: Because fairies are so helpful around Ganondorf, right?

Saria’s eyes narrowed as she confronted Mido. Saria was always protective of Link and even more so when Mido tried to get smart. I watched as she faced off with Mido.

When Mido saw the fire burning in Saria’s eyes he knew to back off. “Well they still don’t deserve it, grumble, grumble.” Then Mido walked off.

Ert: Wow. He actually said grumble grumble out loud. He’s that one dimensional. In fact, I half expect him to actually say that he’s just a one dimensional bully.

Nora: Then everyone can say their character roles. Link is a dildo, Zelda is a groupie, and Jenna is wish-fulfillment.

Saria watched as he went. “I’m sorry for all of that trouble.” “I guess he really never got over what happened eight years ago.” Saria then walked up to Link. “*Sigh* I guess he will never get over it.”

Goeth: Quite a bit happened eight years ago young lady. You need to be specific.

Ert: Something something, he’s jealous.

She said as she placed her hand gently on Link’s. “I will always remain your friend Link not matter what.” “I will also help protect you and your family should Gannon ever return.” “I promise.” Saria said as she looked over at me. And I knew I believed her. She would go to the ends of the Earth for Link. And that made me feel better as well. We spent some time there while Link said some temporary “Good byes.” as I sat and talked with Lilly.

Ert: I love how the game managed to make Link’s relationship with Saria feel special with just a single sentence. “Saria will always be your friend.” Six words that say so much. Whereas this paragraph is eighty-seven words that say a whole lot of nothing.

Nora: Also we don’t actually see Jenna talking with Lily, proving that Lily is just an extension of Jenna’s sueishness.

When it started to get late we decided it was time to settle into our new home. Link wanted me to see it while there was still light. Then Saria went to fetch our horses. When she came back we mounted and headed for the Lost Woods.

Ert: Oh right. Lost Woods. Their home is in the FUCKING LOST WOODS! I missed that the first time. So let me tell about the Lost Woods. STAY AWAY FROM THEM! Not only are they freaking dangerous, what with the wolves and the Skull Kids that attack adults, they CHANGE you! If you’re a kid and you get lost, you become a Skull Kid. If you’re an adult, you become a Stalfos

Nora: GET! OUT! OF! THERE!

Link and I waved goodbye just before we disappeared into the tunnel leading to the Lost Woods. We made our way through the maze of trees and into a large clearing. There stood the most beautiful house I had ever seen.

Ert: Oh boy. Let’s see the unrealistically amazing house that Link built in the middle of nowhere.

Goeth: With children as contractors.

My eyes were transfixed on the house as I dismounted. I ran up to the front of the house and looked it over. There was a white gate in the front with a fence that ran all the way around the house. A stable for horses was on the right side, a pen for sheep and pigs just off to the side near the front. There was a pasture behind the house to graze cows and horses in. And off to the left of the house was the well.

Nora: Ok, first of all where the hell did Link get the metal to make the fence? Just about all of the houses in this area are made out of wood.

Goeth: Second of all, how much forest did Link clear away to make room for farm animals? That sounds like several acres worth of

The house itself was like a summer home.

Ert: Judging by the way the author has been writing, I’m assuming a modern summer home. Which I freaking doubt would work.

It was a light tan house with a white roof. The windows were Monastery style.

Nora: Another question about the impossible construction of this house.

And the front door was brown with the carving of the Triforce symbol just bellow the greeting hole. And when I then went inside I was nearly blown away.

Goeth: Whoops. Forgot to turn that off.

The entire house was furnished.

Ert: Of course it is. It’s not like a house out in the middle of nowhere would be freaking quaint to anything like that. No no no, let’s make it the getaway of an upper-middle class family.

The living quarters had a wooden couch with cushions.

Nora: So a normal couch in other words.

A reading chair sat beside a fireplace. There was a book table beside the couch with an oil lamp on it. Candles in stands stood all around the room while oil lamps hung from the walls.

Ert: Where do you intend to get more oil to keep those lamps burning?

In the dining quarters stood a huge wooden table with six chairs around it.

Goeth: Because a family of two really needs that many chairs.

A small vase of flowers sat in the middle. The kitchen had all of the cooking supplies we would ever need. There was even a spice rack on the wall. A small icebox was in the corner and another small fireplace was in the back for cooking.

Ert: Where do you plan on getting ice? I think I need to establish this again. You are living in the middle of a forest where the only nearby settlement is a village populated entirely by children and a sentient tree. They do not have complex lives and will not be able to provide you with the items needed to live this kind of life.

There was a spiral staircase that went up to the sleeping quarters.

Nora: And stop describing this place with such rigid terms. It’s weird.

I walked up the staircase and went to see the sleeping quarters. When I reached the top I noticed there were 5 doors. Four were empty and one furnished. The one that was furnished was our Bed Chamber. There was an Edwardian bed(3) with beautiful white silk sheets and pillows.

Ert: How did Link pay for this? He can only hack away at tall grass to find rupees for so long before that little well of wealth runs dry.

Goeth: And another annotation. Let’s see what wisdom this one imparts on us.

(3) An Edwardian Bed is a large oaken renascence style bed with a canopy above the bed with silk curtains that drape over the sides of the bed giving it a private romantic setting.

Nora: Huh. For once it isn’t something that could have easily been realized by reading the story. Granted a lot of this information is wrong, as a bed being Edwardian doesn’t necessarily make it oak, and not all beds in Edwardian England had curtains.

Ert: I’d say two steps forward, one step back, but really it’s more the other way around.

A wooden chair sat off to the right and a small table with an oil lamp sat to the left of the chair. Silk curtains lined the window. And award robe closet stood in the left side of the room.

Goeth: No gold encrusted toilet seat? With rubies, diamonds and everything else?

Nora: Don’t give her ideas.

I was so over overjoyed with the sight that when Link came up behind me I threw my arms around him, told him I loved him and kissed him passionately. I knew that this was the place we were going to raise our family. The place I was going to spend the rest of my life in. Link had given me a beautiful gift. A gift of love.

Ert: And his penis. Again, we’re gonna have to cut it short here. I’m REALLY sorry, but there’s been a fair bit going on in my life as of late. Being a college graduate is a scary freaking thing and I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

Advertisements

32 Comments on “1560: My Inner Life: Chapter 3 Part 2 & Chapter 4”

  1. Delta XIII says:

    Goeth: Also, yes, the marriage last night did actually happen.

    Unfortunately.

  2. Delta XIII says:

    Goeth: I’m confused. Is the sun setting or exploding? This story is very vague

    Has to be setting. An explosion would be far too interesting.

  3. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: Is this a sex scene or an instruction manual? I ask because it’s very freaking stiff…and not like that, wipe that smirk off your face.

    YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
    *continues smirking*

  4. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: Where do you intend to get more oil to keep those lamps burning?

    *points*
    Over there, somewhere.

  5. Delta XIII says:

    There was a spiral staircase that went up to the sleeping quarters.

    Because a regular staircase just wouldn’t be Sue-ish enough.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    The next morning I awoke in bed

    DIdn’t they both fall asleep in a bathtub?

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    the dinning table

    I wondered what all that noise was…

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    She gently put her mussel near my face to show no fear.

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    As I looked at her, she was the most beautiful horse I had ever seen.

    Goeth: You were already talking about how beautiful she was three seconds ago. Kindly relay new information to the audience.

    Please don’t turn into another ‘fic where the Sue may or may not be having sex with a horse…

  10. Ert: […] g bhlubgbgbilu.

    What did you say about my mother?

  11. BatJamags says:

    Ert: Considering the sheer distance they probably had to travel to get here, I’d think that they’d be a little sick of riding.

    Considering the warning at the top, I’d say no.

  12. BatJamags says:

    But then I remembered one thing, there was only one horse, Epona. A look of disappointment crossed my face, I had really wanted to go horseback riding.

    This is, like, a zeroth world problem.

  13. BatJamags says:

    She gently put her mussel near my face to show no fear.

    https://www.msc.org/multimedia/images/certified-species/mussel-common-blue

  14. AdmiralSakai says:

    snu-snu

    Wasn’t that the name of the vacuum cleaner on Teletubbies?

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    Gently he lifted me out of the tub and led me to the bed while we kissed.

    Great, and now your bed is soaking wet.

  16. AdmiralSakai says:

    shocks of pure ecstasy were sent cursing threw me

    Well that got violent fast.

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Welcome home, how was thy honeymoon?” The King questioned.

    “And didst thou killeth Vampire Potter?

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    As we stood in front of The Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. “Link and Jenna, thoust has arrived.”

    “Thoust”.

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Link, “Hero of Time”-thou art courageous, ye saved Hyrule and hast taken a wife.”

    I love how the GDT seems to be implying that the difficulties of those last two tasks are approximately equal.

  20. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Shall ye seek the blessing of child?”

    Either way, ye shall receive the curse of Tarzan grammar.

  21. AdmiralSakai says:

    Ert: I have to say, I’m getting a little tired of the whole fairy tale thing. Every single time Jenna has learned about something mystical, she squawks about how she thought it only ever existed in fairy tales.

    Although in this case I’d say it was justified, seeing as the tale does have literal fairies in it.

  22. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Thou art courageous and thou art spiritual will be protected if the Desert Man should ever return.”

    Ert: Ok GDT. Please stop referring to Ganondorf with that term. It’s starting to sound a wee bit racist.

    That, and sooner or later I fully expect him to become the Dessert Man.

  23. Andiliteman says:

    “We will be the Guardian Fairies for Link and you from now on.” Navi INQUIRED.

    You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

  24. parrish122 says:

    You know, usually when I see a fanfic writer use terms like “my flower” and “my entrance” in sex scenes it’s because they are terrified to use more vulgar terms. But this person does it, but has no problem using the word “clit” repeatedly. Odd, that.

  25. "Lyle" says:

    Then I got up and ran towards the ocean. Walking into the water I turned and giggled at Link.

    Completely ruining her leather riding boots, which really shouldn’t get wet with salt water.

  26. "Lyle" says:

    I was having the best time of my life. When it started to get dark, we went back up to the beach and sat down in the sand to watch the sun set.

    So they played in the ocean for 12+ hours with no breaks for food or drink? They should now be seriously dehydrated, and covered in sand and ocean ick.

  27. "Lyle" says:

    Working his teeth […] on my clit

    *cringe* Whoa, whoa, whoa. No. *baps Link with a rolled up newspaper* You do not bite that part! Eeeeeesh. No, no, no. *bap* No.

  28. "Lyle" says:

    Long Into the night there was nothing but hot passion.

    Because Link forgot he was cooking dinner and everything is on fire.

  29. "Lyle" says:

    And award robe closet

    I’d like to thank the academy for this lovely full-length terrycloth bathrobe.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s