1556: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey – Chapters 15, 16, and 17

Title: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey
Author: cw2k
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Parody/Romance
URL: Chapter 15
URL: Chapter 16
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gents, and welcome back for more crappy Mortal Kombat action. I’m your host Herr Wozzeck, and…

Well, really, what can I say about this fic after its last appearance on the Library? I mean, with mothers fucking people in front of their daughters and talking like they’ll be next on the guy’s “to fuck” list… Really, you can’t get much more warped and fucked up than that.

So after that, who wants to see how quickly those two will get it on? You get… no points for guessing correctly, by the way.

Anyway, let’s get this show on the road. The sooner we can get it done, the better.

We start our next installment with this:

Chris and Cassie had entered Outworld. From where they are, it seemed like they are a few miles from the Emperor’s Courtyard.

“Ok, Chris, we’re gonna set up camp here for a few days. After that, we search for D’Vorah.”

After a few days? Why not after one day? And for that matter, you literally just got to Outworld! Why not look for her now? Is it really necessary to take a break of a few days?

*BAM*

Jesus, Chris, first you lose track of the men we still don’t know the locations of, then you fuck a superior officer, and now you say this? You suck at this whole soldier thing, don’t you?

Chris still tried to remember what D’vorah looked like. It had been years since he stepped into Outworld. The last time he was there was when Tanya, his wife, was executed in front of him.

“Are you ok?” Cassie asked as they set up camp.

“Yea. I’m good.”

“Nah, something’s up, hun. Something’s bothering you.”

Ah, yes, something’s bothering Chris. If only we could actually see what gave Cassie that impression so we could, you know, get some fucking description here!

“I believe you know Tanya, right. I know you and your mom discussed it, but Cassie, I did love Tanya, but you won’t see her ever again.”

Again? Did they meet at some point before Tanya got executed? Because if so, that would be nice to know before this point, thank you very much.

Also, Cassie would’ve known Tanya in this timeline. So Chris is literally about to fuck a woman who met his first wife—and, by extension, him—when she was a toddler.

Try to hold in your vomit.

“Why?”

“She was executed… right in front of me.” Chris began breaking down as he explains this. “Your father was with me when it happened. I did nothing…(Sniffles) to… save her…”

*BAM*

Yeah, this is all nice and tragic, but again, I find it hard to believe that’s the case when the romance was so poorly built up as to be based on fucking, and when you killed her off in a paragraph.

Cassie soon realized that Tanya really did love him and he felt like a coward for failing to rescue her.

And seems to have overcome that whole “he forgot about her when he came back from Outworld” thing. Seriously, fic, you do remember that this was a thing you did, right? Because I’m starting to think you don’t.

“Chris, I’m so sorry about what happened to Tanya, but you need to move on. Besides, you fucked my mom real good so that should count for something. Anyway…”

Wow, okay. Cassie, I don’t know what the fuck you bringing up his sexual prowess is supposed to do to make him feel better, so, um, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT, YOU INSENSITIVE MORON!?

*BAM*

“I’m sorry for interrupting you, Cassie, but you seem to be the type of girl who’s with someone, like that Takeda kid I met earlier.”

What the fuck conversation am I reading? Like, literally, this is the conversation:

“My wife died because I wasn’t good enough.”

“Hey, don’t worry, you’re great in bed.”

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?”

*BAM*

I mean, I know all logic and reason went out the window the second Tanya rode Chris’ cock like there was no tomorrow, but even I didn’t think it would be this bad!

“Takeda already has a girlfriend, my friend Jacqui.”

“Really? What about you?”

“Nope. Mom always had been strict with me since I was little.

Uh-huh. And that’s why she talked to you while Chris was fucking her that you were gonna be his next conquest, eh?

*BAM*

Author, don’t even try to pretend that Sonya was a strict mom. I don’t care if it actually is canon, the fact that you wrote Sonya as a mom who would do something like what I just described proves that she isn’t a strict mom. You want a strict mom, go live with a Cuban Catholic family some time.

I’m grown now, baby, and after seeing you giving mom the business, she doesn’t seem like a bitch like always. So, you are in good hands with me, and, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind being with me. And Chris, you and I will get along just fine, as long as you, you know, give me the business.”

And now she’s talking like—

Chris realized that Cassie possessed the same sexual qualities as Tanya, except like him, Cassie is also an Earthrealmer, which makes it much better for him.

Well, this suddenly got uncomfortably racist, and towards a fictional location, too!

*headdesk*

Jesus, this fic really went downhill after last time, didn’t it?

“I really do like you, Cassie.”

“Well, Chris, you’re gonna love me.” She winks at him and licking her lips. “I promise.”

“What if I end up fucking your mom again?”

Well, hopefully you won’t be doing it while she tells her daughter how great his dick will be in her pussy, now, will she? So you shut your mouth and just get to the inevitable sex scene already.

“I think that arrangement’s already made. I’m just as hot and sexy as her. She is Sonya Blade, after all. I could tell she enjoyed it. You and I, we can become lovers. Just one thing, though.”

“That is?”

“If you fuck me, I will make sure your dick knows where it belongs: in my pussy.”

Cassie kisses him and his member got hard.

“I want you, Cassie.”

“I want you, too, Chris.”

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but thank you.

Anyway, Chris and Cassie fuck, keeping this fic’s tradition of giving us at least one poorly written sex scene per installment of snark. Of course, she then asks this:

“Chris?”

“Yes?”

“Can I be your lover?” She asked as she lowered herself, taking him deeper.

“Yes. I love you, Cassie.”

“I love you, too, baby. Please, let our lovin’ begin.”

And yeah, they just keep going with the sex, all the way to—

“I want you to enjoy my pussy, Chris. (Moans) My god, you’re so good.

*BAM*

Fic, you were already doing a good enough job pissing me off. You did not need to turn to onomatopoeia to do that, thank you very much. Especially not parenthesized onomatopoeia.

*BAM*

Good Jesus.

Anyway, they get more sex scene, all the way to the end of the chapter. I’m gonna skip it, because it’s really nothing you guys haven’t seen before. I’ll just remind you that Cassie is possibly underage at this point. I don’t know for sure so don’t start accusing him of statutory rape, but considering that we’ve seen things like Control’s rampant pedophilia and the pussy mask and “the feeling of his penis”, can you really blame me for that?

Anyway, that ends that chapter. The next chapter opens with:

Chris and Cassie began their search for D’Vorah. After a few hours, they finally found her at The Kove. D’Vorah had just killed two Osh-Tekk guards. She took something of great value, Shinnok’s amulet.

And for those of us who have been following along with this fic, this pile of word vomit means absolutely nothing to us. Man, wouldn’t it have been great to have an actual plot where the importance of Shinnok’s amulet was explained? It would’ve made this come from so far less out of nowhere!

And yes, I know it’s plot regurgitation, but we don’t know the stakes! We literally have no scope of what this plot regurgitation is, because even the regurgitated plot has been gutted of any context.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know your fic sucks when it can’t even do plot regurgitation right!

“Oh, no.” Chris said.

“Shinnok’s amulet, the very same amulet Mileena stole,” said Cassie.

“What must we do?”

I don’t know, maybe establish the fact that it carries the soul of an evil Elder God that shouldn’t be awakened? Because I think that would be nice to do at some point!

“I will contact Mom and let her know D’Vorah has Shinnok’s amulet.” Cassie calls Sonya.

Or you can do that. That works too.

“Sargeant?”

“We found D’Vorah at The Kove. She stole…”

(Gunshot)

*BAM*

Excuse me, can we keep the onomatopoeia at—

“My phone! You asshole!”

Wait, she called Sonya with a phone? Whatever happened to that wrist device Sonya used in MK9? I know Cassie keeps a phone on her as per the selfie fatality, but I’m pretty sure Cassie used things that weren’t her phone in MKX as—

“Black!”

“Nice to see you again, Chris, but you carry no weapons?”

“I don’t need one.”

“You both are coming with me, dead or alive.”

At the Refugee Camp

“Cassie, CASSIE! Cassie, come in! Shit!”

Wait, what the fuck?

*rereads*

Oh my God. This fic is so lazy, it couldn’t even be bothered to give nothing but dialogue in that scene!?

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

What’s—?

Oh my God.

“What’s going on?” Johnny asked.

Well, Johnny, don’t take this the wrong way, but you might be trapped in a trollfic.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I legit think we’ve stumbled across a trollfic writer here. Seriously, no serious writer would do shit like this! Between all the nonsensical lemons, the terrible pacing, the terrible plot regurgitation, the fact it’s done shit like this… Also, there’s the fact that the author has posted a lot of stories since this one has first gone up, and he does a lot of the same thing over and over again. It’s the same overly-sexual thing, with all the same lack of description and short chapters, and all the same stuff.

This is a trollfic. It’s gotta be a trollfic. There’s no other explanation for why this fic is so aggressively bad!

“I got cut off. Cassie must have been captured. Chris, too.

“Fuck!”

“We’ve got to go to Outworld and find them. Jacqui, Takeda, Jin, it’s up to you guys. Bring my daughter and our soldier back. His name is Chris, no last name.

So our hero has no actual last name. That’s good to know that our hero is apparently so bland he doesn’t actually have a last name!

Last visual was at The Kove. GO!”

Wait, visual? Wasn’t it an audio call you got from Cassie? If so, why is it—?

*headdesk*

You know what, never mind. Anything goes in a trollfic, so let’s just keep going.

The team of Jacqui, Takeda and a Shaolin archer named Kung Jin, traveled to Outworld via portal.

They found thelselves at The Kove.

“There’s Cassie’s phone,” Takeda found and took it as evidence.

“And of course it would be an iPhone 7. I guess she really only has one headphone jack now…”

After what seemed like hours, they relocated to the marketplace, not far from the Emperor’s throne room, asking questions to the locals of Cassie’s whereabouts. Eventually, they met up with Emperor Kotal Kahn.

And they got from questioning the locals to meeting Kotal Kahn… because water.

Hey, it’d make about as much sense as anything else in this fic!

“Kotal,” said Jacqui, “We’re looking for our friend, Cassandra Cage.”

“Ah, Miss Cage.” Kotal’s followers, Reptile, Ermac and Erron Black showed up. Alongside them was a brute and a yound girl as a rider, Ferra and Torr. “She is imprisoned at the moment.”

“Where?” Jacqui asked.

Behind the button that doubles as a switch to turn the earth’s gravity off. Trust me, you don’t want to know what else is in that room, you really don’t.

Just before Kotal’s response, an Osh-Tekk guard reported: “Prisoners escaped…!” That was when a mysterious boomerang-like object slices off his head. Kotal’s followers began investigating where the object came from.

And the owner of the boomerang didn’t make him or herself known immediately because… Because…

Uhm…

“Yo!”

Jacqui and the others turned around and saw Cassie and Chris, alongside them was the Edenian mistress herself, Jade.

Oh, so that’s why Jade is back from the dead. You know, because Cassie probably couldn’t do that herself. You know, because reasons.

“Cassie!”

Cassie and Jacqui hugged.

“Dude, what happened?”

Chris answered: “No idea.

Make that two of us, Chris!

“Good thing I was around because I was captured as well,” Jade said.

Yes, and you were indeed captured. Because [Error: Reason Not Found].

“Dude, you’re with Cassie now?” asked Jin.

*frown*

Wait, how did you know he fucked Cassie before their doomed mission? Are you…

Oh, right, trollfic. I quite forgot that.

“Who are you?”

“This is Kung Jin. He is the young cousin of Kung Lao,” Jade answered.

“Nice arrows.”

Chris shook hands with Jin. “They are not just for looks, you know.”

I really hope that’s a gay double entendre. If that evolves into a gay lemon, I think that’s the only thing I would actually be interested in seeing about this whole entire trollfic.

Cassie broke the conversation. “Listen, guys. We need to return to Earthrealm and regroup.”

“What about you, Jade?” Chris asked.

“I have a task of my own, to free my best friend Kitana from her revenance.” With that answer, she diappeared.

The gang regrouped and took the portal back to Earthrealm.

And of course, when it tries to be an action fic, it just falls flat on its face with shitty action. Because what else is new with this fic. Like, seriously, how did Kotal Kahn not notice this whole scene with everyone right there?

Also, freeing Kitana from revenantship? Good luck with that: she’s kind of dead, you know. Maybe you could use the same bullshit strategy you used to escape? I dunno, but it just…

*headdesk*

Anyway, that ends that chapter too. The next chapter starts with:

By the time the gang returned to Earthrealm, they could bodies laying everywhere. Chris noticed that Johnny is missing. “MOM! Where’s Dad?” Sonya was too weak to talk, but someone answered. That someone was Hanzo Hasashi, former known as Scorpion, who appears to be wounded as well.

“Your father… was taken… to the Sky Temple…” was all Hanzo could muster at the moment.

Oh, right, so we just missed Shinnok’s resurrection. Good to know! Also good to know that Quan Chi got absolutely no role in this story, despite the fact that he was a critical antagonist in the actual plot of MKX. For that matter, Raiden hasn’t shown up since his brief cameo before the time skip…

Huh, it’s almost like this trollfic is bulldozing over the plot of MKX in order to get his hard-ons dealt with. Which is exactly why Chris isn’t gonna fuck Jacqui in the near future, right?

They took the chopper to the Sky Temple when they noticed night sky being covered by some red smoke.

“Shinnok…” Chris whispered.

“We gotta get this bird down!” Jacqui said. They landed in a snow forest called Deadwoods. There, they try to find the way to the Sky Temple.

All while the author held down the fast forward button, because who wants to see fighting in a Mortal Kombat fanfiction?

Suddenly, a portal opened. Kotal Kahn and his forces arrived from Outworld, no doubt looking for the gang.

“There!” yelled Kotal. They quickly surrounded the gang. Cassie tried to open fire of her gun, but it was empty. “Fuck me!”

*snerk*

Hold on there, Kotal Kahn. I don’t think Cassie has a strap-on juuuuust yet. You might have to wait for her to get one first.

“Kotal, things have changed. Shinnok has taken over Earthrealm,” Takeda said, but the words fell on deaf ears.

“It is too late for Earthrealm! With Shinnok claiming Earthrelam, it will the clear to bolster Outworld’s defenses!” Kotal took a swing of his weapon at Takeda, but Chris knocked the Emperor with a football-style tackle.

Ah, yes, we finally get to see Chris fight. And he fights… by tackling people.

“I will not allow you to hurt my friends!” Chris exclaimed.

“You now defend Earthrealm?”

You say that like he hasn’t been defending Earthrealm this entire time, you stupid cunt. What, did you suddenly forget that he was defending Earthrealm when you went and killed his wife?

“A more noble way to live.”

“A sure way to die!”

Kotal grabbed Chris by the throat, about to shatter his trachea when a blast of ice came out of nowhere! Chris found where the ice came from. It came from none other than Sub-Zero, Grandmaster of the Lin Kuei.

I’d say this is being told like a toddler told this story, but I really don’t want to know what toddler would tell a story with sex and graphic violence in it. I legit wouldn’t want to be in a household with a toddler that is that corrupted, thank you very much!

“Thanks for saving us, Sub-Zero.”

“You have proven yourselves worthy thus far, but now the real threat is on the horizon. Go to the Sky Temple and stop Shinnok. Earthrealm’s fate is in your hands,” Sub-Zero said. And with that, they left for the Sky Temple. Sub-Zero and the Lin Kuei are ready to combat the Osh-Tekk army.

So why don’t they just fight already?

“Kotal Kahn!”

“Sub-Zero.”

“Your death is required.”

“I will crush the Lin Kuei!”

“You will have to kill me first!”

“As you wish.”

Oh, right, they gotta get some showboating out of the way first. Whoop de doo!

*headdesk*

Good God, this fic is stupid.

On the bright side, though, we’re almost done! After this, we’ve only got three more chapters to go, and the last one is incredibly short. So whether you like it or not, this fic will be over the next time we snark it.

And thus, I will see you all then. But for now, I gotta get the brain bleach.

Save me, mediocre Subject 23 sequel!

God, those are words I never thought I’d say…

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17 Comments on “1556: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey – Chapters 15, 16, and 17”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    If only we could actually see what gave Cassie that impression so we could, you know, get some fucking description here!

    Oh, we’ll get fucking description all right…

  2. BatJamags says:

    Well, Johnny, don’t take this the wrong way, but you might be trapped in a trollfic.

    I’m skeptical. Generally, a trollfic goes for funny-bad or sometimes offensive-bad, not boring-bad. Then again, this is listed as a humor fic, so maybe the author just sucks at writing trollfics.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      This sort of looks like the kind of thing my old roommate would write (as in, a little less than the bare minimum of what would be called a story, basically just a vehicle for lots of gratuitous sex), but all of his had to have a rape scene clumsily inserted into them.

  3. Delta XIII says:

    “She was executed… right in front of me.” Chris began breaking down as he explains this. “Your father was with me when it happened. I did nothing…(Sniffles) to… save her…”

  4. Delta XIII says:

    “I really do like you, Cassie.”

    “Well, Chris, you’re gonna love me.” She winks at him and licking her lips. “I promise.”

    “What if I end up fucking your mom again?”

    This “story” is legitimately making me question my existence.

  5. Delta XIII says:

    “Fuck!”

    Yes, Johnny, that does tend to happen in this fic.
    (Fun fact: I typed in “fic”, and for some reason, my phone autocorrected to “dog”.)


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