1555: MLP Jurassic Equestria – One ShotPosted: October 5, 2016
Title: MLP Jurassic Equestria
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic / Jurassic Park
Genre: Drama / Horror
URL: MLP Jurassic Equestria
Critiqued by Darth Overlord (Retired) Crunchy
*Crunchy stalks into the room and peers around*
I suppose it was too much to hope that he was hiding in here. No matter, let us see what the girls have picked out for me. Hmm, “MLP Jurassic Equestia.”
Obviously I was unkind to something in a past life. Which is entirely likely as I have been unkind to a great many in this one.
Hello, gentle patrons, you might notice that Taco is conspicuously absent this week. After fleeing from the scene of last week’s riff, he managed to give the Darkwraiths the slip and is very likely hiding in one of the sub-levels. Since not even I know how many of those we have down there, it could be quite some time before they find him. He seems quite dedicated to not being found because announcing a free donut and coffee hour at Lina’s shack did not flush him into the open.
It is equally likely that he’s off gallivanting through time with Doc Brown again. Such things happen around here. As for why I am sitting in this week, well, the girls made a deal that I would not have to help with the search efforts if I took over in here for the week.
We shall see if that turned out to be a wise choice on my part. There appears to be a note here from Eliza, so we should start there.
“Hi! We found this fic while cruising for something you could do. It’s actually a remake of an older fic called My Little Pony: Jurassic World. The older fic is indeed much worse, but also a lot shorter, so we sent you the newer version!”
Charming. Oh well, there is a summary, so we might as well get an idea of what we are in for.
Twilight and her friend and now on a new adventure to on the island Isla Nublar where they go in jurassic world a theme park 65 million years in the making on the way they meet new faces like owen gredy and Claire Dearing.
Hsssssssssssss! The grammar burns us!
I can see already that this is based on the most recent addition to the Jurassic Park franchise, so I imagine the author will not be able to resist making a wide array of references to the various bits of internet “humor” that have cropped up in the wake of the movie. Imagine my delight at that particular prospect.
At least it is short, so we may as well get this over with as quickly as possible.
Chapter 0: Prologue Opening of the park
Authors, please refrain from ever referring to something as “chapter 0” again. Especially if you are going to add the word “prologue” to your chapter title anyway.
The story begins in a lab in which a worker who is putting up files on top of the desk.
And that worker, who is putting up files on top of the desk, is important, why? Author, you are missing a rather sizable portion of the latter half of that sentence.
As he was done with that he hears the animal witch look at him as it was in the cage.
Animal witches may or may not ever have been a thing in equestria. However, given the prevalence of those with some control over the mystical arts, I will allow the possibility of a witch.
Even so, I hope that is a magical cage, otherwise that unnamed lackey is going to get a bad case of magical evisceration all over that jumpsuit.
Few seconds later her boss came to get the animal.
“Is she ready?” She asked.
Ah! This must be that “LadyFemale” whom Eliza keeps going on about.
“Yes she is.” He said as he looked to his boss with a worried expression.
Lackey here has a terrible case of gender flux. Poor gal. Fellow. Gal.
“Alright, the helicopter is already outside, we are going to roll her out of here and she will be out of your hooves”
I am confused. Is this in the modern setting of Jurassic park, or is this in Equestia? If it is the former, then why are they using the word “hooves” in place of claws? And if it is the latter, why is there a helicopter in Equestia!?
“Thank you, you don’t know how happy I am to hear that.
(S)he is correct. Without any setting, background, buildup, characterization, or plot, we honestly have no idea how happy this situations makes him/her.
She has been nothing but trouble; escape 6 times, attacked one of our guard and somepony almost got killed by this animal!
Are we talking about the same LadyFemale here? She seems rather harmless, even for a cloud of mist.
She is too dangerous to be here and very soon she going to get big.”
Well, if you would cut back on the daily pizza buffets, she would not be so prone to enlargening.
“Well, don’t worry.” She replied and walked right up to the cage.
Hold on, is she in the cage or out of the cage? How many LadyFemales are there in this scene?
The animal then slowly poked her head up from the cage and looked at her intruder.
Aha! I think I have this figured out. There are two LadyFemales! Or rather, one LadyFemale, and one animal witch that is female. And now they are both in the cage. That should help keep things clear.
“She will be in a new cage that she will not escape from. I can guaranteed that.”
Not only that, but she is going like the way she looks.
Two Hours later and the helicopter finally landed on the island known as ‘Isisla Nublar’.
Now that is an unfortunate spelling error that likely got this fic added to a wide array of watch lists.
The island itself was located south from Manehattan.
*Rubs a claw across his forehead*
So we appear to be in some kind of ponificated version of the modern world where nothing has really changed beyond the names of the cities now being puns and all the people are now sentient ponies. Given the general dearth of explanation we tend to get from these stories, I think I shall just accept this as our setting and move on.
However, this still fails to explain how Isla Nublar moved from the Western coast of Costa Rica to the Eastern coast of New England.
The cargo which held the voracious animal in it started to shake and rattle as the best within moved about.
But which of the two in there is considered the best!?
Hissing, clicking and scratching it’s claws as it looked at the pony guard next to it.
Either that is animal witch, or LadyFemale has not had her roughage yet this morning.
The intent to kill the pony guard was thick in the air. Although as if the savior of the sun herself came, a red griffin came into view.
GAAAH! THE PURPLE!
*Crunchy writhes around on the floor, then stops suddenly*
Wait, did that just say-
as if the savior of the sun herself came,
Oh for the love of Ra-
*Porno music blasts over the intercom system*
He gave the creature an amused look as he spoke.
“So you’re the clever girl that’s causing such a ruckus back here.”
I see the reference have started already.
The creature clearly did not take kindly to this individual.
*Crunchy stares deeply into the swirling mists of the void*
He took notice as one predator to another the intent to kill within her eyes. As he backed away he shouted to his fellow team members.
So he backs away? Good to know he recognizes that animal witch is the better predator.
“Alright, I want the six of you to haul the cage to the gate so we can put her in the pen! I want unicorns to be ready with stun spells!” So the orders went as he addressed all of his team.
If this is such a dangerous witch, why not just stun her for transfer? I know the movie needed a dramatic touch of a dangerous live-animal transfer, but in a world not inspired by convenient drama, most predators are actually transferred under at least mild sedation. Presumably unicorn magic has little in the way of side-effects given the widespread use to achieve even mundane ends, so their reticence in using it to stun a dangerous animal witch makes little sense.
Not that I know much about My Little Pony canon.
As they neared the cage she let out a high pitch roar at them. After that the loading team was able to put the being by the gate.
So is it an animal, or some kind of other being? And if it is a being, is it still a witch? And why did her roaring at them enable them to place her by the gate?
*Energy crackles between Crunchy’s claws*
You really should start making sense soon, fic. Just a friendly warning.
“Alright, loading team step away! Gate keeper, you’re up!” The red griffon ordered.
But what about the Key Master? Is he in wave three?
“Grunt Ray, raise the Gate!”
Pardon me a moment, I need to step into the closet.
*Thirty minutes of unseemly raptor cackling later*
A nod for confirmation passed the two siblings as he started to open the gate.
Wait, what? Is Grunt Ray two siblings, or are they hanging out watching? And if Grunt Ray is two siblings, why does he have a singular pronoun!?
Once it was completely open she charged at the side causing Grunt to fall to the ground and knocking the cage a-jar.
Right on schedule. Why do all Jurassic Park fic authors insist on regurgitating this scene? Is incompetent animal handling really that fascinating?
In addition, you do realize that ajar is a single word, right, author?
Of course not.
Grunt soon found himself on the ground as he had lost his balance; after which his leg was snagged by the might beast’s jaws.
Soon? Does that mean I have time to go run and grab a cup of roughage before any of this actually happens?
The air was filled with his screams of pain as he called out to his brother, Goliath.
His brother is named Goliath Ray?
One moment, please.
*Thirty minutes of additional unseemly raptor cackling later*
Lock the side wall, We can’t let her get out!” Goliath shouted, the red griffon giving it his all to save his brother from the all-consuming monster.
No. I am sorry, but no. Raptor Jesus is the only all-consuming monster around here!
May you all be consumed by His All-Devouring Maw. Amen.
As Goliath tried to grab his brother, the staff did their best to stun her to make her let go. The adrenaline running through the creatures body kept it awake and alert as it tore at Grunt’s leg.
I suppose with being a witch she could potentially be resistant to magical stuns.
*Flips open his Player’s Handbook*
If they lack the magical prowess sufficient to use a suitably high-level variation of stun, and she is relatively high level herself, she could indeed go quite a while without being stunned. She would have to critically fail her save in order to succumb, so with enough luck, she could go several full rounds.
*Flips around some more*
She should also have a familiar; it is a class perk at level one. I wonder if LadyFemale is her familiar…
“Goliath Help ME!” Sobbed out Grunt as he screamed in pain.
“I’m right here, I’m not letting go!” Bellowed Goliath, as he clutched his dear brother’s arms within his claws.
“Shoo-oot her!” He demanded, as his grip slowly gave way on his brother.
“Some Pony, SHOOT HER!”
Yes, yes, we have all seen this. The bumbling, evil captor falls victim to his own inattentiveness and is eaten in self defense by the abused captive raptor maiden. Can we move on to something new, please?
Not a second later and Grunt was pulled into the pen. His screams slowly dying out as he was eaten alive.
See? Called it.
The door locked securing Grunt’s fate as well as stabilizing the nightmare in his brother’s mind.
One can never understate the importance of nightmare stabilization. If you go without it, your victims might have the occasional full night’s sleep. And if that starts happening, who knows what could be next!? Before you know it somebody could be having a happily-ever-after under your very nose!
Goliath stared at the spot where he held his brother for the last time as tears fell from his cheek. His claws soaked in blood from his desperation.
If your desperation is bleeding, you should really seek immediate medical attention. I know at least one leech-wielding doctor who enjoys the challenge of staunching strange and new blood loss.
How would he ever tell his mother about his failure, his honor was soiled.
I find lying a good way around that little hiccup. Plotting your mother’s demise would nip any potential situations in the bud as well. Admittedly, if your mother is as wily as mine was, that could prove more difficult than just waiting for the next ice age to strike.
Later, in the next day after the loading incident, Doctor Claire Daring, the park operations manager spoke with goliath about the incident.
Ahem. “You dun screwed up, bukko.”
“Doctor Dearing.” A guard spoke calmly.
Daring. Get it right, guard.
*Looks at the wiki*
Oh, it is Dearing, the narrator is just inebriated. Again.
“Yes?” Inquired Doctor Claire.
That would be “Doctor Daring” to you, narrator!
“He’s Here.” He stated.
“Good, you can send him in.” Was her reply as she mentally prepared herself, it was not going to be easy.
“Your brother was eaten and we have to fire you for negligence.”
Seems rather easy to me. In fact, my father had to say something similar to me once.
Three times if you count my half-brother, Greasy.
A few moments passed and Goliath walked in, as he sees Doctor Dearing his face takes a sour expression.
“What is it.” He demands unhappily.
“Your brother was eaten and we have to fire you for negligence.”
“I’d like to start by saying I am sorr-.”
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” He replied, a bit louder than he intended.
I think he was expecting to be fired right after being reminded that his brother was eaten.
Adjusting himself a little as he looked with dead eyes at possibly a helping hoof. “You think you care about anyone here? You don’t, it’s your fault that my little brother is now dead!
We both know that it was really your fault. You were overseeing the transfer. I know that people who suffer tradgedy often blame themselves, but in your case, that blame is well placed.
That Beast is what your park wanted and, you know what, whatever. I don’t have time for a stupid review, I just have to figure out how I’m going to tell Gilda.”
Gilda? If that is their mother, somebody needs to talk to her about her obsession with the letter G.
“Who’s Gilda?” She inquired as she looked through her notes, using it as a scape goat to keep her patient talking.
That is not what “scape goat” means. Author, strangely, I would rather have your constant misspelling than your overreaching attempts use words you know not the meaning of.
“Our little sister, or don’t your notes have that?” Goliath snaked out his reply.
This is your place of employment, not your personal psychiatrist. They would only have as much information as you gave them, you odious troglodyte.
The room was in client After goliath said that before she can speak.
Hold on, I may need to read that a few times before I can understand what it is trying to say.
*A few minutes later Crunchy stalks in and pushes his corpse out of the chair before sitting back down*
I do not recommend reading that sentence more than once.
Goliath see something behind her outside of the window in the trees.
It is really not fair to serve up something so fundamentally laughable, author. How am I supposed to provide commentary that improves upon it!?
“What is That!?”
Said goliath as he point the Creature out there
See, told you that it was improper capitalization. You never know when it will rear its ugly head.
“Oh that this is the first Dino hybrid she about 18 metes more bigger then the T Rex”
*Crunchy walks in and pushes another corpse out of his chair*
Your grammar is dangerously horrible, author. Mayhap you should weaponize it for your country.
What did they hybridize the dinosaurs with that made them more than double their size?
Actually, do not answer that.
“that is no Dinosaur that is a monster!”
That is no moon!
Three Months Later
That scene certainly added a lot.
It was December and as winter comes some ponies where getting to go to jurassic equestria for the week since winter vacation has started and guest where getting packing as they get in the hotel and get ready to see the park up close.
*Crunchy walks in and pushes yet another corpse out of his chair*
Darkwraiths! I need some hauling in here! And bring those stupid-proof goggles that Bifocals has been tinkering with.
*A flurry of Darkwraith activity later and the corpses are gone and Crunchy is sporting a pair of aviator goggles*
Meanwhile up north is where another rapter Paddock where these one are being tame like a lion or tiger the tamer name is Owen Grady witch he is the Velociraptor trainer.
Wait, the witch is named Owen Grady? Why did the fic wait so long to name-drop the witch?
And why would they give the dangerous witch who ate Grunt a job taming *snort* Velociraptors? Surely they would be worried that Owen here would get peckish and eat some of the flock.
“Alright eye’s on me”
The eye’s what now?
*Electricity once again crackles between Crunchy’s claws*
Stop that, author.
The Velociraptor respond as he call there name
It is the only reason we have and the only reason we shall ever need.
“Click Click Click”
I hate it when the padawans try to be cute during roll call and make noises instead of just saying “here” or “present.”
Still a better name than *snerk* Grunt Ray.
“Hey charlie don’t give me that shit”
Back off, witch, all Charlie did was grow! What next, you complain that his feathers are too colorful?
*The electricity crackles and snaps along the full length of Crunchy’s arm*
This is your last warning.
Charlie look up with a unhappy look until owen start to past the meat of dead rat.
Ahh the dead meat of Sithmas past, how I miss those days. That cheapskate spirit keeps hogging it to himself these days.
First elco second charlie third delta and last was blue, and she get a big rat witch where her favorites.
I personally prefer kittens, but I certainly would not turn my nose up at a well aged rat corpse.
After Feeding the rapter’s owen then hoof pump barry.
Hey, not in front of the raptors! You keep that hoof pumping in the bedroom where it belongs!
Said Vic Hoskins
The head of security operations for InGen
“What is it”
I said stop.
Owen then walk away from vic and head down stairs to the lower part of the pint by the gate door as he lock the cage door so vic can’t in.
Did Owen just lock Vic inside the pint with the raptors?
*Crunchy pulls out a bib and puts it on*
This Owen fellow is starting to grow on me.
As she try to catch the little pig one of the raptor catch the pig as it was on part of the net witch chose her to falling the ground witch chose the raptor’s look at her and there about to kill her.
*Crunchy walks into the riffing chamber and pushes his corpse out of the chair again*
The goggles, they do nothing.
So let me see if I can unpack this for all of you. There is a pig being chased by raptors which is eventually caught by the net witch, who may or may not be the same as the animal witch. The witch then chooses one of the raptors, and on the ground, or thereabouts, is where they kill LadyFemale.
Makes sense to me.
“SomePony Help Me!”
Was that LadyFemale, the net witch, or the pig?
She scream for help.
That is of amazingly little help in answering my question. Unless of course all three of them are really the same person. But I dare not hope for that kind of plot twist in this “story.”
Grady then responded to this and open the so he can get her safe as he is getting in there to save her the guard where about to shoot he look up as he tell them to hold there fire.
*Crunchy dumps another corpse out of his chair*
“With twelve ant in these animals there never going thrush me again ”
Said owen to the guard
Is not avoiding the thrush a good thing? Though I guess that would explain the twelve ant diet. Mother always used to tell us that eating insects was a good way to keep your mouth clean.
Mother was also a compulsive liar. She said a lot of things.
“Blue Stand down’Stand down”
Blue bite as she going ready to attack.
Generally biting is part of the attack and not the prep work, but this is supposedly taking place in Equestia, so maybe they have a different definition of what an attack is.
“Hey What did i say ,Delta when i say you turn back”
They were probably just humoring you before. Likely because you were locking security guards in their pint.
After that he was able to come then down.
*Porno music blasts over the intercom system*
I feel dirty and distressed that he would do such a thing to these poor, innocent raptors. Not even Rae sunk to such a level.
Few Second later grady get back out from the cage when. The staff hug him for saving her.
And now he is hugging people with his *urf* staff.
I take back anything good I said about Owen.
“Thank you for saving me”
“Your wounder why there was a job opening”
Between being come down on and getting hugged with Owen’s staff, no, I do not have a wonder why.
She is questioning whether or not she has a wonder? I think this fic is getting to her.
She then look right by the side of the fence as she see one the rapter is trying to get in.
Who let the raptor out of the pint!? She has not even finished her security guard yet!
She then look a owen as she look at with a scared look.
“I know now”
And with that this… whatever you could call this comes to an end. It was short, horrible, and just a collection of scenes stolen from two of the Jurassic Park movies with the word “pony” added to make it seem like it might actually have something to do with My Little Pony.
And yet this still does not even compare with half the dreck we have waded through in the Library. Such is life.
Thank you all for suffering through this with me, especially those who had the unfortunate experience of being hugged by Owen’s staff. Should we not find Taco, I will see if I can convince one of the girls to step in for next week. Until then, keep your guard locked in the pint, patrons!