1554: My Inner Life: Chapter 2 & Chapter 3 Part 1

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

MORE SHIT SEX!

Ert: So last time we had sex and Jenna experiencing around twelve different kinds of new feelings. Because that’s how prose works.

Goeth: It’s just rubbing body parts together to fire the pleasure center of your brain. I don’t see why it’s treated as the ultimate be all, end all.

Nora: People can be dumb.

The Wedding

It was the day of our wedding and I had been nervous all day long.

Ert: To be fair, the whole thing escalated rather quickly. Girl meets boy, girl fucks boy, girl throws away entire career for boy, girl marries boy. But this is essentially making it official. Jenna was a traveling merchant, so as long as she had enough money saved up (And considering she’s BFFs with royalty I doubt she’s strapped for cash) she could easily take a year or two off of work and then get back into it. Hell, it was established she didn’t go back to Hyrule for two years, but was able to start trading there again with no problem. This however? This is her officially throwing her old life away. Because of lust.

The time to walk down the isle

Nora: Aisle, not isle. Unless you’re getting married on a very small island. To be fair, that actually sounds like a damn awesome place to get married, but that’s not what’s happening.

drew near, and I felt a rush of nervousness run through me. But I was not going to let that stop my wedding day. I was in the bridal chamber with Impa and Princess Zelda. As Impa and Princess Zelda worked on my hair, I stared down at my dress, fingering with the lacy design at my waist.

Ert: Impa is a Sheikah, a tribe of warriors who dedicate their entire lives to protecting the royal family of Hyrule. Granted it’s implied that she was also a caretaker to a younger Zelda, but this still feels way below her pay grade.

Goeth: And Jenna is nervous. And not for good reasons, such as her throwing her entire life away.

Nora: Being nervous about marriage IS stressful, but Goeth’s right in that she has much bigger problems.

The dress was the most beautiful and the most expensive I had ever seen.

Ert: We have little context for if that means anything or not.

The King had spared no expense when he had it made. The top of the dress was a low “V” cut with lace that crisscrossed in front of my breasts to hold them up.

Nora: Uh. This doesn’t sound period appropriate.

And a feathery lace design lined the edges. Inter woven in the lace was an intricate design of pearls and at the very center was a gold Triforce design.

Ert: AGAIN! She thought that the Triforce was something out of a fairy tale, and now she’s having it plastered on her wedding dress! This is like putting Peter Pan on the groom’s tuxedo!

Goeth: Kidnapping, murderous, sexist, despotic, team killing Peter Pan, or Disney Peter Pan?

Ert: Disney.

Goeth: Ok then, I’ve got to let a friend know his design got cleared.

The lace design “V at the waist and a different lace pattern started where the other left off. The other pattern was all of the Triforce design. Smaller gold Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. The sleeves were a see through lace that ran from mid arm all the way down to my wrist and attached at my middle finger. My veil had a full pearl design at the front and small solid white Triforce designs lines the edges. After I was fully dressed all that was left to do was finish my hair.

Nora: Well…it’s not a particularly strong entry for costume porn, but we might as well submit it. Can’t hurt.

Ert: Either that or we wait to see if there’s anything worse waiting for us.

Nora: Good point.

Impa stopped working on my hair and let Zelda finish it. She walked over to a table and picked something up.

Ert: I just realized that I’ve got more years behind me than in front, and I’m doing the hair of a Mary Sue who’s being fawned over by the royal family. Bottoms up.

Nora: I’ll drink to that.

When she came back over she handed me a gold choker that had a Triforce charm with a Diamond dangling in the center.

Goeth: Just to clarify, the diamond is in the shape of an upside-down triangle, taking up that gap in the middle of the Triforce? How hard is that to properly establish?

Ert: Diamond is only capitalized if starts a sentence, you’re talking about Pink Floyd, or Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure just came on.

http://jojo.wikia.com/wiki/Crazy_Diamond

Nora: Part 4 JoJo is best JoJo

Ert: Personally I’d say Part 2, but so long as you don’t think it’s Jotaro, I can’t argue.

Nora: Nah, Joskue all the way.

I looked up at Impa while I fingered it.

Ert:…..UUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nora:…

Goeth:…

Ert: Guys?

Nora:….

Goeth:….

Ert: Well then.

Nora: Things stay a little more fresh this way.

It was very beautiful. I started to say something but Impa interrupted me. “It will look beautiful on you.” She took it and the Sheika smiled as she fastened it around my neck. Then I smiled back at her.” Thank you Impa.” “Its very beautiful.”

Nora: This raises a lot of questions. Did Impa give away a personal family heirloom just now? Is this even hers? Did she just happen to have it lying around? No matter what just happened, I don’t like it.

(Mary Sue Counter: 7)

Just then Princess Zelda said she was done with my hair. I walked over to a mirror to take a look. The sides of my hair were done into a halo braid. The back of my hair was done up into four smaller braids that looped up and attached to the back of f the halo braid. A silvery lace ran from the front of my hair to the back of my head and then around the four smaller braids. As I touched my hair with my hand I turned to look at Princess Zelda and smiled at her. “Thank you soo much, I just love it.” I cooed as she smiled back.

Ert: I know somewhere between jack and fucking shit about hair, so I’m going to remain silent on this one. I will say that the amount of description this is getting is matching the dress from earlier. It’s not XCom: Mass Effect “Alien alloy and Elerium micro-generators” bad, but it is annoying.

As princess Zelda looked me over she said something was missing. After thinking for a bit, she turned and walked over to her vanity and opened up a small jewelry box. She picked up something out of it closed the jewelry box lid and walked back over to me.

Ert: Oh for god’s sake, really? She already got a diamond studded choker from Impa, does she really need more sparkly shit?

Nora: According to LQ she does.

(Mary Sue Counter: 8)

Taking my left hand she held up my hand and fastened a beautiful gold bracelet around my wrist. Looking at it I could tell it was real expensive.

Goeth: Jenna. International merchant. Respected by royal families. Can tell when something is “real expensive.”

The bracelet was of pure solid gold. At the center was a Triforce charm. Diamonds lined the edges of the bracelet and Rubies lined the inner part. At the center of the Triforce charm was an Emerald.

Ert: Ok, this is getting stupid. And by that I mean it’s getting stupider. Hyrule was never a particularly bling happy type of kingdom. All of this feels rather forced. Zelda is just dumping jewelry on Jenna, the cost of which could probably feed all of the castle town for a year.

Nora: You’re supposed to be marrying Link Jenna. Getting not one, but two uber special gifts is overkill.

I looked back up at Princess Zelda and she smiled a kind of a sad smile. “It was my mother’s.” “But I want you to have it.”

Ert:…WHY!? We dinged the Mary Sue counter for Jenna getting shiny stuff. You better believe we’re hitting it again after that!

(Mary Sue Counter: 9)

She said with a hint of sadness in her voice. A blank looked crossed my face as I looked back down at the bracelet. “I….I cannot accept this.” I said as I held my wrist back out at her. Princess Zelda blinked in surprise. “Nonsense….mother would have done the same thing if she were here.”

Goeth: Her mother seems to have been affected by the Glamor as well. The theoretical field suggested by Herr. The one that seems to cause all those around Mary Sues to fall in love with them. We suspect it’s a low wave psionic field that works passively. I’m currently trying to replicate it on lab mice. Might be able to publish a paper on this one.

“Besides I want you to have it.” “It looks beautiful on you.” “Take it……..and that’s an order.” Impa nodded in agreement and I smiled back. “Thank you soo much!” I said as I hugged my friend. Satisfied with how I looked we got my bouquet and headed towards the courtyard.

Nora: Take my mother’s possession or suffer my wrath!

Ert: YAYYYYY! THANK YOU!

The wedding was about to begin. There was a loud bustle as people tried to find their seats. Everyone in Hyrule had attended.

Goeth: So in other words, the entire country shut down? I feel like even middle age nations celebrating Christmas would still expect some people to keep doing their jobs.

Even all of the sages had to attend. The King would settle for no less.

Ert: So the King wouldn’t let Jenna and Link marry unless he could get major

All of Hyrule was going to witness Link and I being wed. As the crowd begun to settle down the King came to my side. Since he was like a father to me, he was going to be the one who was giving me away to Link. I started to get nervous again as the wedding music begun to play.

First the flower girl went out. As she spread the flower petals along the red carpet she looked like a little angel. I hoped that the day Link and I had children we would have a girl as pretty as her.

Nora: Apparently there was a flower girl. Kind of randomly shoved in out of nowhere. I mean, isn’t the flower girl supposed to be connected to either the bride or the groom? You don’t just shove a random kid into a dress and then boot them down the aisle.

Then I watched as all my brides maids were walked out one by one with the ushers.

Ert: Yeah, all three of them. Whoosits, Whatsits and What’s Her Face. All dear and deep friends of Jenna.

Nora: From childhood.

Next I saw Link being walked out with Princess Zelda. He looked soo handsome dressed in Prince clothes as he walked down the isle.

Goeth: Jenna gets several paragraphs describing her hair, jewelry and dress. Lin tis wearing “Prince clothes.”

When he reached the alter

Ert: Christ. Give me strength.

and took his place it was my turn to walk. Taking the King’s arm we begun to walk down the isle. As we walked my eyes darted around the room.

Nora: Ah yes. “The room.” Question. Where the hell does this scene actually take place?

Ert: Fuck if I know. There aren’t exactly churches in the castle town. Unless you count the Temple of Time, and I don’t think they would have weddings there. What with it being right on top of where Gannondorf is sealed.

The nervousness rushed over me. Then my eyes landed on Link. I could see his beautiful smile, but since I was nervous I was glad Link could not see my face from underneath my veil.

Nora: Uh, wedding veils tend to be see-through. So unless this story is trying to tell us that Jenna is a Muslim (which it isn’t because there isn’t a single Islamic thing about this ceremony) that comment doesn’t make any sense.

Ert: I know that Google Images was in its infancy when this story came out, but surely LQ could’ve looked up a veil, right?

When we reached the alter, I took my place at Link’s left. Zelda my Maid of Honor was to my left,

Ert: OF COURSE SHE WAS!

and Daurina Link’s Best Man was to his right.

Ert:…*Sigh* I actually really like that idea. Link saved the Goron people, saved them a second time, brought him out of his funk when he was a bad mood, and called Link his sworn brother. Hell, he named his KID after Link. So yeah, Daurina being Link’s best man is a good idea. There’s just one little thing that kind of ruins this moment. HIS NAME ISN’T FUCKING DAURINA! IT’S DARUNIA! All the right letters, BUT NOT ALL OF THEM IN THE RIGHT PLACE!

Before I fixed my eyes forward I looked at Link from the corner of my eye. Man how I loved him. Then the preacher begun to speak.

Nora: We also don’t see any preachers in Hyrule.

Ert: We honestly don’t actually see much about the religion in any of the Zelda games, so there is room to fill in the blanks. The problem with this story is that it’s going the path of least resistance and making everything predictably Christian. Modern Christian too. Having a fictional religion resemble Christianity is the freaking vanilla ice cream of writing. For god’s sake, put some M&Ms on it.

“We have gathered here today to witness this man and woman being joined in Holy Matrimony.” “This is a special time, a Holy time when a man and a woman come together and are joined under the witness of god.”

Ert: THANK YOU FOR PROVING MY POINT! Except this is going further! This isn’t filling in the blanks with Christian shit, this is overwriting pre-existing stuff with Christianity! The Hyrule religion has THREE gods! Not one!

Goeth: But Link needs to hear the good word about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

“May your marriage bring long life and happiness.” “Do you Link take this woman to be your wife, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?” “Yes I do.” Link responded. ‘And do you Jenna take this man to be your husband, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?” “Yes…Yes I do.” I said softly. ” The rings please.” The preacher gestured for the ring bearer to bring over the rings. We were handed each other’s ring and told to give each other our personal vows. Taking my left hand Link slid the ring on my finger. “With this ring I thee wed.” Link said with passion. Then I took his left hand and slid the ring on his finger. “With this ring I thee wed.” I said as I looked deeply into his eyes.

Ert:…*Looks at watch* That’s it? No exchanging of vows? Nothing else? That’s it? Priest says a few words, they say, “I do” and then they kiss? Bam? That’s it ?

Nora: I’m going to be in a very sour mood if it turns out that this was rushed just so we could get to more badly written sex.

Goeth: I bet there’s nine more unknown feelings that Jenna is going to get to experience.

We then looked back at the preacher and he finished the ceremony. “If there is anyone who thinks this man and woman should not be joined let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

Ert: *Turns on megaphone* ALL THE HAVE IN COMMON IS THAT THEY LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER! THEY’LL BE SCRAMBLING FOR A DIVORCE THE SECOND THAT THEY LOSE THE SPARK IN THEIR SEX LIFE!

Goeth: Which will most likely be six months.

After a moment of silence, the preacher spoke again. “By the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife.” “You may now kiss the bride.”

Nora: For the record, Spongebob depicted a better marriage.

Gently Link lifted up my veil and for a moment we stared deeply into each other’s eyes. Then I closed my eyes, as he gently took me into his arms and gently pressed his lips on mine. Then every one started clapping as we made our marriage final. I felt a rush of happiness run through me. It felt warm, like the sun. As we kissed everything was silent, only the sound of our hearts beating together was heard. This was the happiest day of my life.

Ert: All I can picture is a little kid mashing two dolls together.

Next I gestured for all of my Bride’s Maids

Nora: The bride brought her maids to the wedding? Great. It isn’t bad enough that they have to break their backs working menial positions, but now they’re being forced to go to their boss’ wedding on their day off.

and my Maid of Honor to gather around behind me. Then I turned my back and threw the bouquet over my shoulder. Everyone reached to grab it, but it was Princess Zelda that caught it. I looked at her and a smile crossed her rosy face as I winked. She would be the next to wed.

Ert: Ok, we get it. It’s a Christian wedding, it’s a beyond Christian wedding. You can stop hammering it in now.

Goeth: The leader of a feudal nation will most likely marry soon? It’s almost like political alliances are commonly formed through marriage.

Then I looked at Link, smiled at him and took his arm. He led me out towards the reception hall as everyone threw rose petals over us.

Nora: GO FOR THE EYES!

The reception hall was set quite beautifully. There were flower displays, white dove symbols interlocked with the Triforce lined the walls, there were white candles lining the room and a huge wedding cake sat in the center. As everyone filled in to the room, Link and I went over to the cake and stood side by side behind it. The music begun to play

Ert: Goddamnit, I already used my Rains of Castamere joke…uh….

Ert: Sue me, that’s all I had.

as Link and I took the knife and cut the cake. We each took a piece and fed it to each other. He missed my mouth and got some on my face.

Goeth: The sad thing about this is that it feels painfully by the numbers. Almost like LQ looked up what normally happens at a wedding and then wrote, “And then they did that, and then they did this, and then they did something else.”

Nora: It just feels stiff and lifeless.

Next thing I knew we had cake all over our faces. And I giggled as I smeared some on his nose. People laughed at the funny sight and I smiled at Link as we started whipping the cake off our faces. There were two goblets sitting by the cake, and a bottle of Champagne next to them. Link popped the cork and poured the Champagne into the goblets. He put the bottle down and we picked up the goblets, interlocked arms and drank from each other’s cups.

Ert: Did we really need that much space dedicating to these two twits getting a drink?

Nora: Romantic?

Ert: Romantic if you consider mundanity to be romantic.

Everyone clapped and then made a toast to our marriage. “May your life together bring happiness and new experiences!” Zelda said as she raised her goblet high “Here, here!!” Some one else yelled. Then the music changed in to a dance,

Goeth: *Holds up instruments* This is an interesting phenomenon. Whatever is affecting this wedding someone managed to transform music, a sound, into a dance, an action. It was able to alter the properties of sound from the ground up, transforming it into something different. A complete and utter transformation of reality.

Ert: So long as it doesn’t turn the station into Barney the Dinosaur, I’m ok with it.

and everyone crowded onto the ballroom floor.

Nora: Ahah…ballroom dancing has its origins in the 20th century. Needless to say, it wasn’t around during the middle ages.

Link led me by the hand and the crowd formed a circle around us as we begun to dance together. As I danced with Link I felt like I was dancing on air.

Ert: *Scratches head* So is Link wearing his Hover Boots?

Nora: They make him slip and slide a fair bit, it wouldn’t be practical.

Goeth: The same can be said about everything in this story.

Felt light as a feather. I got into the music, my thoughts drifted and I begun to flow in unison with Link’s body. He took the lead and I let myself go with the flow. As I looked into his beautiful dark blue eyes, there was passion flickering in them. His eyes made me melt in his arms, and as we danced together I felt at peace. When we were done dancing, it was time for our wedding song to be played.

Ert: Wedding song? Music has been playing the entire time. What makes this song so special that it stands apart from all of the rest? It isn’t an implication that you’re about to be murdered?

Goeth: Sounds boring.

Link had found someone to sing our wedding song. A beautiful young redheaded girl named Malon from Lon Lon ranch was to sing for us. She got up on the platform and started to sing “Your love floats on the wings of a dove”

Ert:…The fuck does that mean? Is this a Discworld thing when it turns out the world is riding on the back of a giant turtle and supporting by elephants or something like that?

Malon’s voice was very beautiful and as she sung the song it moved me. I moved closed to Link and laid my head on his shoulder. He took his arm and put it around me as Malon continued to sing. The song was so moving that tears of happiness begun to steam down my face. I looked deeply into Links deep blue eyes and whispered to him that he was my everything. My world.

Ert:……Fuck it.

I saw love in his eyes, in his facial expressions,

Goeth: We’ll get you out of there love! *Swings pick axe* No man left behind!

he brought my face closer to his and told me that I was his one true love, his first intimately, and his world. His passion made me feel good inside, warmed my soul. I felt like the sky was limit. And when I was with him it felt like flying.

Nora: Man, she’s getting a lot of information from simple facial expressions.

At the end it was time for Link and I to leave for our Honeymoon. As we walked out of the castle and to the awaiting rusty brown mare, the King and Zelda had one last gift to give. Zelda walked up to me and took my hand placed an Ocarina in it and closed my fingers around it.

Ert: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCK! THAT! SHIT! The Ocarina of Time is not a freaking instrument! It is a highly powerful and magical artifact that can fucking manipulate time! It cannot just be dumped on a random fucking Sue!

(Mary Sue Counter: 10)

Nora: Can Jenna even play the ocarina? Wait, don’t answer that question. I don’t want to hear about how she either took lessons or is an instant expert.

“I want you to have this as my gift to you both.” I looked at it and Link’s face grew a surprised look. “Are you sure?” Link looked at her squarely. “I know that these are the keys to the door of time, but I think that it would be safer with the both of you.”

Ert: Keys? Uh no, it’s one of four keys. The Sacred Stones are the other three keys. You need all four to get into the Sacred Realm.

Goeth: And needless to say, they’re one of a kind. I’ve been trying to synthesize them, no success.

Zelda replied with a reassured look in her eyes. I looked at Link and he knew I was confused. “This is what Gannondorf used in tricking me to open the door to the Sacred Realm.” Link said as remembered that day, he never forgot it.

Nora: That’s not what happened. He didn’t trick you into opening the Sacred Realm. Zelda told you to do it. Gannondorf just happened to be hiding and made a jump for the Triforce when you opened it. And were forced to take a seven year nap.

Goeth: Yes, apparently the Sacred Realm has a strict adults only policy.

I remembered what I was told, the stories of Gannondorf. But Link and I holding the keys might be safer. “Thank you, we will take good care of it.” I said as I hugged her and she smiled. Then the King hugged me, gave Link a pat on the back and a wink. I knew what he meant by that. Then we went to the horse that was waiting for us.

Nora: What? Does he want more sex from her? More badly written sex?

Ert: Please no more. I can only take so much.

Link carried me to the saddle. The horse was Epona. There was a “Just Married” sign tied to the saddle over Epona’s behind.

Goeth: I imagine that she’ll enjoy that slapping her ass every step of the way.

Colored strings of yarn hung from the back of the saddle and from the bottom of the sign. Link lifted me up into the saddle then mounted in front of me. I threw my arms around his waist as he checked to see if I was ready. Then he gently booted Epona in the ribs

Goeth: Yes, animal abuse? I’d like to report a couple that is abusing their horses.

and we took of at a gallop. I could hear the King and Zelda saying goodbye as we rode but soon their voices drifted into the distance.

Nora: And then they rode off, sparing anyone else from suffering from their badly written romance.

The Honeymoon

After a long ride we reached the Great Coast.

Ert: It’s not the Great Bay Coast from Majora’s Mask, but it’s only one word away.

(Do Not Steal Counter: 4)

The Summer Cabin the King had set up for us was along the ocean.

Goeth: Can we please establish how much time has passed since this story has actually started? I’m getting temporal sickness.

Link pulled back on the reins and Epona came to a full stop. He helped me down, dismounted himself and took Epona to the stable. After he returned he picked me up into his arms and carried me over the threshold and inside. Once inside my eyes grew as big as saucers.

Ert: *Taps eyes* I don’t think that’s normal.

The entire place was furnished. Candles were lit everywhere and a table with a meal already prepared on it was set for two. Two candles were lit in the center. And I wondered who could have made the food. Then I remembered that one of the Sages left the reception early. The Sage of Water, Ruto.

Nora: I know that this is supposed to be a sweet gesture, but it’s not really necessary. They just came from a wedding. One trip. If you ate at a wedding, you should be good for the rest of the day. Or did that get cut out along with nearly everything of substance?

Goeth: Snippety snip!

I looked around and saw a small letter on the table by the door. I opened it and it was from Ruto. The letter said: “Link was supposed to marry me, but I was blind to his happiness. As I watched him with you I saw how happy he had become. Now I realize what I had done was wrong. I could not hold Link to something he would not be happy with. I hope your life together brings you both the happiness and peace you both desire. When you two have your first born please come and see me.” Signed -Ruto the Water Sage.

Ert: Right, we’re going with that? The fact that the Sacred Stone that Ruto was guarding was technically supposed to be an engagement ring of sorts? Instead of this watered down BS about how she’s ok with Link going with someone else, why not do the obvious thing and just ignore it? It was kind of a joke anyway, nothing really serious.

Nora: And they’re not really doing anything with it.

I closed the letter and held it close. A tear trickled down my cheek as I thought of what Ruto had done for us.

Goeth: Made a meal?

Ert: No, let Link go. I suppose. If they were supposed to have a serious relationship, Link burned that bridge PDQ.

Link came up behind me and threw his arms around me. “What is wrong my love?” “Are you feeling ok?” Link’s skin seemed to glow under the candlelight and his eyes filled with love.

Goeth: I’ll save you love! One way or another I will get you out of there! *Jackhammer noises*

I wiped my face and put the letter down. “I…I’m fine.” “I’ll be ok.” I said as I softly placed my hand against his cheek and looked into his eyes. “I’m glad to be here with you.” I said softly. “As am I” Link’s smile widened and he took my hand and led me to the table.

Nora: *Holds up Jenna’s stump of a wrist* I think she’s going to want that back buddy.

Goeth: I’ll get my kit.

I sat down and Link pushed in my chair before seating himself. As we ate we talked about future plans and having a family. But I could tell his mind was not on the food.

Nora: But she does want to eat something, if you catch my drift. *Gets punched in the face* You’re just upset you didn’t think of it first.

I took my foot and slowly, brushed it up against his leg. As I rubbed his leg with my foot he squirmed in his chair. Finally he got up and came around behind me.

Ert: LINK! You need to show more endurance than that! How are you going to please your wife when you blow your load so easily?

He lowered his head down by my neck and I could feel his hot breath against my cheek. I felt his lips move to my neck as he started to passionately kiss me there. As he nibbled on my neck I let out soft moans. After a few minuets Link took me by the hand, lifted me out of the chair and led me to a room where a tub was filled with hot water.

Goeth: Did Ruto draw a bath? Because even if she had, it would be stone cold by this point. Truth be told, the food most likely would’ve been too.

Nora: It seems like Ruto has been acting like a glorified maid for these two. Was she one of the ones at the wedding?

He pressed his lips on mine and we kissed deeply, as he begun to remove my dress exposing my naked body.

Ert: She went commando at her wedding? Jesus Christ Jenna.

As his hands started to caress my body, caress my breasts, I could feel myself getting hotter. I wanted him. Wanted to feel him. I wanted to touch him in ways that he had never been touched.

Nora: Ways he had never been touched and they’ve already had sex? How the hell are you going to-oh fine. *Opens copy of the Kama Sutra* I’ll just pick a random page. Up against the wall is always a good way to go.

Then I felt his heart beating faster, felt his hands moving up and down my slender body. As he nibbled on my nipples, I little by little slowly started to remove his clothes, exposing his heavenly naked body. I slowly reached up and placed my hands on his bear chest.

Nora: Uh.

Goeth: LQ. When they talked about having sex with bears, that’s not what they meant. Not even close.

As I ran my finger tips down his chest, soft moans passed his lips. His body was so muscular, so firm, his skin silky to the touch.

Ert: Muscular? Fine. Firm? Sure? Silky? HA! He hasn’t lived a life that would give him silky skin.

I ran my hands slowly down his body. First to his waist then to his thighs, around his butt, then to the swollen organ between his legs. When I grazed my hand over the head, Link let out small cries of pleasure. Then I looked in to his eyes.

Nora: In to his eyes? In to. In to. You make the inner English Major in Ert cry. And he’s shit a proofreading.

Ert: SFY has saved my ass more times than I care to admit.

“Tonight my love, I’m going to show you how much I love you.” I went down and slowly took the head of his member into my mouth, teasing it with my tongue. As I teased the head soft moans passed Link’s lips. Then slowly I moved to his shaft, caressing it with my tongue as I licked up and down it. As I caressed his member with my lips and tongue,

Goeth: Tongues do not work that way. The entire tongue is encasing his manhood? That’s not how it works.

Ert: Unless…

Nora: Do not look up a Junji Ito comic strip.

Ert: But-

Nora: Ert. NO!

Link’s soft moans soon turned into cries of pleasure. I felt his body quivering under my gentle hands, as his cries of ecstasy filled the room. Then Link let out a loud animal like cry as I took his member fully into my mouth.

Ert: Goats will never stop being a gold mine of mockery.

Slowly I moved up and down the shaft, dragging my tongue as I went. Little by little I upped the movement, causing Link to cry out in ecstasy as I caused waves of pure pleasure to go surging threw his body. Then I found a rhythm and his breathing became faster as I started to take him over the edge. His heart started racing, his cries filled the room. And finally when I took his nut sack and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing. Link let out a loud animal like cry as he reached his peak, releasing his essence into my mouth.

Ert:…I don’t really think that really gets us over the edge. I fully admit a lack of experience, but it’s a safe bet. That’s not really where our pleasure nerves are.

I swallowed, licking up all of the sweet juices off his member. As I licked my lips, he brought his face close to mine. Our lips met kissing each other passionately, the taste of him still on my lips.

Nora: Link is tasting his own semen right now.

Ert: Ew.

As he deepened the kiss, I let out soft moans into his mouth. Then we broke off the kiss and I looked into his eyes. “I’m ready for you now my love.” I said as I started to kiss his neck. Slowly I felt the heat between us grow stronger. I felt myself wanting him, felt my body calling out to feel him inside me.

Goeth: Wait a good five to ten minutes honey, he needs time to recover.

Ert: We men have shit endurance in bed.

His eyes shone desire in them, the passion burned in them. He led me by the hand then, pulled me into the tub as the desire between us raged.

Nora: And now they’re having sex in a freaking cold ass water. There’s a reason “Take a cold shower” is a term associated with sexual urges dying out. It just kills the mood.

I wanted him even more now; wanted to feel him inside me. He moved closer to me and I felt his throbbing member at my entrance.

Ert: I think Link has been taking drugs of some kind, because there’s no way he’s getting back up that fast.

Then I begun to cry out in ecstasy as he slowly penetrated my enchanted body.

Nora: Speaking of which, the rent on that enchantment has expired. It’s going to be repossessed soon.

Goeth: Enchantments always were a lackluster branch of Mad Scientist University. Hexes and curses are a much more active magical branch.

Slowly at first, then I cried out in pure bliss as Link upped his movements. As we made hot love I felt his heart beating in unison with mine, felt the heat of his body against my body. Link felt soo good inside me. So warm. So tender. Then he pushed me up against the side of the tub as he put his hands underneath my body lifting me up, allowing him to penetrate deeper.

Nora: Lift fucking. How very tender. Next they’re going to break the bed with a move called the pile driver and it’ll be soft and sensual.

Goeth: You think LQ could take some time to watch porn before she wrote it.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and groaned as I grabbed his back and dug my nails in feeling the sweat beginning to form. As I dragged my hands down his back,

Ert: STOP! DOING THAT!

I cried in ecstasy as he begun to thrust deeper inside my now hot sweaty form.

Nora: You know, I think the author may be recycling prose.

Our bodies quivered as our movements begun to flow in unison. And I felt his heart beginning to beat faster as I forced my body up against his. Loud animal-like sounds passed his lips as his thrusts came in faster beats. Then I bucked against Link as I as cried for him to take me. “Ungh….Link..Oh…My Goddesses…..LINK!”

Ert: GOD OR GODDESSES! FUCKING PICK ONE!

Goeth: Continuity? what’s that?

I cried as I ran my hands down his back; down over his buttock, dragging my nails as they went.

Nora: Ok seriously lady. Cut the shit with that. Stop trying to claw his back and ass off.

Ert: Likes it rough? Fuck if I know.

I felt him starting to breath faster as he started to climax. And as the sheer ecstasy raced through our bodies I didn’t want it to end.

I wanted every part of him. I wanted to drink in his body.

Goeth: I’m working on it, I’m working on it. Blenders move slow with material this complex and I don’t want to waste too much acid. Stuff is hard to come by.

He felt soo good….so hot……he was mine, mine forever. I had him……had his body……..his heavenly body……..Mmmm…….Sexual thoughts raced through my mind as we both came to a full climax…..”LINK!”

Nora: Sexual thoughts while having an orgasm. Uh. I thought that would be taken for granted. I mean she isn’t exactly going to be thinking about filling her taxes.

Ert: Though Lord knows it’d be more interesting.

I cried out in pure ecstasy as I gushed down his muscular legs. “JENNA!” Link screamed as he reached his peak and released his very essence in side me. I let out a loud moan as I felt the warm liquid slide down inside my beautiful body. It felt sooo good……..I now had a part of him inside me. A part of his very essence.

Goeth: *Shoves hand down Jenna’s throat* Oh great, it’s already bonded with the new habitat. I’m going to need a full extraction crew in here to get that out.

Ert: Did she just eat part of his soul?

Goeth: There’s more to it than that, but for the sake of simplicity, more or less.

We both collapsed from exhaustion after Link delivered his second and final release. Breathing heavy, I looked deeply into his sexy blue eyes…..eyes with passion in them.

Goeth: I’m going to be cleaning these things out all day, aren’t I?

Then I leaned over and pressed my lips on his tasting the sweetness of them…….so firm, so sweet…… Feeling a slight longing I moved my lips to his ear and whispered words of passion to him. “Oh… my Goddesses…. Link.” “I love…you so ….much.” I said in between gasps of breath before I slowly starting to caress his long sexy pointed ear with my lips and tongue. “And….I love….you too….my sweet…love.”

Ert: There are shades of purple in this story that I didn’t even know existed.

Link said as he embraced me. As I nibbled on the lobe of his ear I could hear his soft moaning……….felt his hands moving down my body……I felt the heat of his body……felt his skin against mine…….so hot…….so heavenly……..his body…….finally for once I felt complete…….felt

Ert: *Sprays water on story* Enough of that. Get to the fucking point.

like a women……I felt sexy, wanted.

Nora: *Punches Jenna in the face again* I can do this all day.

We laid there still connected and covered in sweat. I laid my head against his chest and listened to the beating of his heart. We were both exhausted and breathing heavy. Then as my breathing started slow I felt my eyes beginning to drift. And as I felt my last ounce of strength leave my body, I fell asleep.

Ert: Glad that’s finally over. Would’ve done the rest of the chapter but time ran out on me. Now then. See you next time.

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57 Comments on “1554: My Inner Life: Chapter 2 & Chapter 3 Part 1”

  1. Delta XIII says:

    Goeth: It’s just rubbing body parts together to fire the pleasure center of your brain. I don’t see why it’s treated as the ultimate be all, end all.

    That awkward moment when you find yourself agreeing with a mad scientist.

    • Andiliteman says:

      I’ve found myself agreeing with Goeth a few times. I take it as a sign that the author has done something very, very wrong.

    • erttheking says:

      He’s mad. Not stupid. (Even then when I think about how I wrote him, he’s not really insane. He just doesn’t give a shit about morals.)

  2. Delta XIII says:

    Nora: Uh. This doesn’t sound period appropriate.

    True, but what does in this dreck?

  3. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: Christ. Give me strength.

    Sorry, he walked out as soon as he saw what we were dealing with.

  4. Delta XIII says:

    Goeth: Which will most likely be six months.

    That’s probably a little generous. I’d give it six weeks, tops.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    I felt a rush of nervousness run through me.

    Oh for fuck’s sake, feelings go through this woman like she’s been treated with Drano.

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    The King had spared no expense when he had it made. The top of the dress was a low “V” cut with lace that crisscrossed in front of my breasts to hold them up.

    Nora: Uh. This doesn’t sound period appropriate.

    Hmm…

    The King had spared no expense when he had it made. The top of the dress was a low “V” cut with lace that crisscrossed in front of my breasts to hold them up.

    Nora: Uh. This doesn’t sound appropriate, period.

    Fixed it for you.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    When she came back over she handed me a gold choker that had a Triforce charm with a Diamond dangling in the center.

    She has a gold necklace with a famous anthropologist dangling in the center?


    *quietly resets the “[x] Days Without A Visit From The SCP Foundation” sign to 0.

  8. AdmiralSakai says:

    It was very beautiful. I started to say something but Impa interrupted me. “It will look beautiful on you.” She took it and the Sheika smiled as she fastened it around my neck. Then I smiled back at her.” Thank you Impa.” “Its very beautiful.”

    Yes, but is it beautiful??

  9. AdmiralSakai says:

    The bracelet was of pure solid gold.

    As opposed to all of those bracelets out there made from pure vaporous gold.

    • erttheking says:

      It’s a shame she didn’t go further on that, I would’ve loved to make a crack on how it would weigh a hundred pounds because she doesn’t understand how gold works.

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    Since he was like a father to me, he was going to be the one who was giving me away to Link.

    Helloooooooooooooo loaded phrasing.

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    First the flower girl went out.

    They should have gotten one of those compact fluorescent flower girls, then. Those things’ll last for years without going out.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    He looked soo handsome dressed in Prince clothes as he walked down the isle.

  13. BatJamags says:

    The lace design “V at the waist and a different lace pattern started where the other left off. The other pattern was all of the Triforce design. Smaller gold Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. The sleeves were a see through lace that ran from mid arm all the way down to my wrist and attached at my middle finger. My veil had a full pearl design at the front and small solid white Triforce designs lines the edges. After I was fully dressed all that was left to do was finish my hair.

    For how over-detailed this costume porn is, I’m still having a hard time visualizing this dress.

  14. BatJamags says:

    Taking my left hand she held up my hand and fastened a beautiful gold bracelet around my wrist. Looking at it I could tell it was real expensive.

    Goeth: Jenna. International merchant. Respected by royal families. Can tell when something is “real expensive.”

    Receives a gift and immediately considers how much money it’s worth.

  15. BatJamags says:

    Nora: You’re supposed to be marrying Link Jenna. Getting not one, but two uber special gifts is overkill.

    No, she’s marring him on an isle. Keep up.

  16. BatJamags says:

    she smiled a kind of a sad smile.

    A “kind” of sad smile? Well, that’s not very helpful. Is it a Sad Smile Type A or a Sad Smile Type B?

  17. BatJamags says:

    “Thank you soo much!”

    Oh, I forgot one of my counters from the riff I was writing!

    Jenna is, Like, Soo Totally, Like, a Valley Girl count: OH. MYGAWD. YOUGUYS.

  18. BatJamags says:

    Nora: Ah yes. “The room.” Question. Where the hell does this scene actually take place?

    Ert: Fuck if I know. There aren’t exactly churches in the castle town. Unless you count the Temple of Time, and I don’t think they would have weddings there. What with it being right on top of where Gannondorf is sealed.

    It would also have to be enough to hold the entire population of Hyrule. Which, if that’s just the people you see in the games, it wouldn’t be a terribly huge number of people, but I get the sense that there’s supposed to be a lot more than just them.

  19. BatJamags says:

    Ert: We honestly don’t actually see much about the religion in any of the Zelda games, so there is room to fill in the blanks. The problem with this story is that it’s going the path of least resistance and making everything predictably Christian. Modern Christian too. Having a fictional religion resemble Christianity is the freaking vanilla ice cream of writing. For god’s sake, put some M&Ms on it.

    Normally, I’d agree with you, but when this author tries to get creative… well, you’ll see what happens.

  20. BatJamags says:

    Ert:…*Looks at watch* That’s it? No exchanging of vows? Nothing else? That’s it? Priest says a few words, they say, “I do” and then they kiss? Bam? That’s it ?

    Nora: I’m going to be in a very sour mood if it turns out that this was rushed just so we could get to more badly written sex.

    Goeth: I bet there’s nine more unknown feelings that Jenna is going to get to experience.

    Personally, I would’ve made the wedding go something like this:

  21. BatJamags says:

    Nora: GO FOR THE EYES!

    Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes! AAAAAAAAGH!

  22. BatJamags says:

    Ert: So long as it doesn’t turn the station into Barney the Dinosaur, I’m ok with it.

    *Looks through telescope*

    Uh… Ert?

    • erttheking says:

      If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist, If I don’t acknowledge it it doesn’t exist,

  23. BatJamags says:

    Felt light as a feather.

    The Felt?

  24. BatJamags says:

    Nora: Can Jenna even play the ocarina? Wait, don’t answer that question. I don’t want to hear about how she either took lessons or is an instant expert.

    You’ll be happy to know that not only is that question not answered, the Ocarina is never even mentioned throughout the rest of the fic. Not once.

  25. BatJamags says:

    Ert: Please no more. I can only take so much.

    In that case, I should give you my condolences ahead of time.

  26. BatJamags says:

    I slowly reached up and placed my hands on his bear chest.

  27. Andiliteman says:

    Ert: I know that Google Images was in its infancy when this story came out, but surely LQ could’ve looked up a veil, right?

    That’s LQ’s greatest flaw. Because this is a chronicle of a recurring dream of hers that she thinks of as a second life, she wrote it exactly as it happened… In a dream, which almost garuntee a it’s not going to make sense. But if you were to tell her that, she’d… Well… We all saw the Author’s Note.

  28. BatJamags says:

    Loud animal-like sounds passed his lips

  29. BatJamags says:

    Ert: Did she just eat part of his soul?

    Part of your soul is mine.

  30. BatJamags says:

    felt like a women

    I told you not to drag Aretha Franklin into this last time!

  31. "Lyle" says:

    I swallowed, licking up all of the sweet juices off his member.

    Welp, if we needed further proof that the author has no sexual experience, this is it. Semen is not sweet, no matter how much pineapple juice the guy drinks.

    • "Lyle" says:

      I let out a loud moan as I felt the warm liquid slide down inside my beautiful body.

      Yeah, no. Again, no experience. The vaginal passage is not sensitive enough to feel the semen inside it. The most you’ll feel is it goojing out of you and down your legs if you stand up too soon afterwards. The opening of the vaginal canal is the part with a lot of nerve endings. If he ejaculated onto your opening and not inside your vagina, then he was trying to pull out and failed.


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