1550: A New Metal Cyborg Trio! – Chapter One, Part One

Title: A New Metal Cyborg Trio!
Author: bopdog111
Media: Video Game
Topic: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
Genre: Adventure/Mystery
URL: Fic
Critiqued by SC, Doc and Cook

Doc: Jesus Christ, that title.

Cook: Bit redundant, isn’t it?

…Really.

Cook: Yeah. It’s like having a pair of foot-covering socks. Or fuzz-grabbing lint rollers.

Really.

Doc: Yes, really. Trust me, we’d both know if he was screwing arou-

*Alarms Blare*

Doc: Oh, right, the redundancy alarm, I forgot you had that.

WE HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED THE FUCKING RIFF.

~ONE ROUND OF KICKED DRD ASSES LATER~

Right, that’s that mess all sorted out.

Cook: I take full responsibility for this mistake.

As you should.

Right, hello and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! Pardon our mess, the DRD had an early start today. I’m your host, SC, and please pardon our mess, the DRD had an early start this week.

Before we get to the riff, allow me to introduce another member of the elite mercenary team Doc works for – Cook, the, er, cook, and demolitions expert!

[Much like with Doc when he was introduced in his very first riff, no picture of Cook here, but this time it’s because I was on a time crunch. Just imagine a seven-foot-tall, relatively buff redhead with a smoking habit who looks like he just woke up but in fact simply has a sleepy-looking resting face. Oh yeah, and he’s kitted out in digital camo. That’s about what he looks like. -SC]

In contrast to how Doc joined the team (reminder: he got fed up with hospital work and ended up being scouted by Cobalt after he quit his old job), Sergeant Jack Allan Ryder, alias Cook, was not scouted by Cobalt. As a matter of fact, Cobalt had no idea that Cook even existed until the latter ambushed him in a back alley. The two fought each other to a standstill, and it was here that Cobalt, surprised to have come across an equal in skill – something which is incredibly rare for him, it should be noted, as he’s one of the most dangerous men alive in his canon – inquired as to his attacker’s identity.

It turned out that Cook was the elder brother of someone who was wrongly killed by Cobalt’s hands. He had learned about his brother’s demise from his grieving family shortly before his honorable discharge from the army, and when his brother’s investigation hit a dead end and became stagnant, he spent the next few years tapping whatever sources he could for a self-imposed manhunt for his brother’s killer, determined to find and bring the bastard to justice.

Realizing the situation was driven by a raw desire for payback, and that Cook didn’t have all the facts, Cobalt informed him that his brother died because he made the mistake of joining the Watchers, a group Cobalt used to command, after they had betrayed him. At that time, Cobalt didn’t know that Cook’s brother was innocent until after the deed was done – young Tyler Ryder was so new to the job that he didn’t even have the time enough to fully comprehend the Watchers’ mission, let alone the gravity of their betrayal. When Cobalt realized his mistake, he left the body for the police to find and went to ground under a false identity, even as information of Tyler’s demise was relayed to the family, which was relayed, in turn, back to Cook. Impressed by the ex-soldier and newly reminded of his guilt, Cobalt struck a deal: In return for lending his skills to Cobalt’s cause, Cook was free to impose whatever demands he felt would be necessary to reconcile his brother’s wrongful death, and they would unquestioningly be carried out. Cook agreed, and here we are. Though Cobalt is the captain, and his authority is unquestioned, it’s Cook who holds the most power in the group, because of that little agreement.

And that’s about all you need to know about Cook! Other than he’s the guy that makes shit go boom, that is – both your taste buds, thanks to his awesome kitchen skills, and shitlords, by making their everything asplode.

Cook: Well, that’s certainly one way of putting it…

So, why do I have these two mercenary dudes here with me? Well, that’s where the riff comes in. It isn’t so much that the riff is about mercenaries, rather than it’s set closer to the time period Doc and Cook exist in (which is kind of a mix between modern day and cyberpunk, but only ever so slightly).

Speaking of the riff, that Fates fic sure was interesting, wasn’t it? But I feel like I’ve been doing an awful lot of fantasy genre riffs lately, so I decided to mix things up a bit. This week, I’m doing a riff from the Metal Gear side of Fanfiction.net – namely, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance!

This fic is called, “A New Metal Cyborg Trio!”, by author bopdog111. It’s a 9,000+ word adventure/mystery fic, and there’s three chapters, so this is going to be split up into three parts in order to drag out my inevitable return to LAFS as long as possible.

And speaking of dragging things out, does it sound like infodump time to you guys? Because damn, it sure sounds like it to me!

Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, often abbreviated to its subtitle by fans, is a single-player action hack-and-slash game, originally being developed and published by Konami Digital Entertainment, but then handed off to PlatinumGames, for the PS3 and Xbox360 in 2013, and Windows, Android and OS X in 2014. This was one of the last great games Konami had any involvement with before they took the swan dive into the shithole that they have since become accustomed to wallowing in, and one of the last games of Hideo Kojima’s Metal Gear series. I say “Hideo Kojima’s” series, because Konami is already trying to cash cow Metal Gear, in spite of Kojima’s intentions to end it with Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. Though Revengeance is categorized AS a Metal Gear franchise game, in fact, it is a spin-off game attached TO the series, proper, set four years after the events of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. If I remember correctly, Kojima enjoyed Platinum’s handiwork so much that he went and made it canon. Though, I could be mistaken.

The story of Revengeance is such:

In the year 2018, after the destruction of the Patriots – formerly a shadow organization responsible for running the world’s war economy – Private Military Corporations have splintered into multiple factions, and with the loss of the Patriot-controlled nanomachine regulation technology that once kept their soldiers in top form, they have begun to turn their interests to the advent of cyborg technology, creating elite supersoldier operatives.

In the midst of all these happenings is none other than Raiden –

O hai, Raiden!

O hai, Raiden!

– the protagonist of Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, formerly a Liberian child soldier who later became an operative for the special operations unit FOXHOUND – which was actually manipulation by the Patriots – and was then surgically altered into a cyborg, once again thanks to Patriots meddling. In Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, Raiden had since cut ties with his former employers and become a free agent, assisting Big Mama (originally, EVA, a protagonist in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater) in locating the corpse of Big Boss (originally, Naked Snake, Vic Boss, Ishmael, Saladin, and “The Man Who Sold The World,” primary protagonist of Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops, Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes, and Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, and primary antagonist of Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake).

Following the end of MGS4, Raiden has linked up with Russian pointman Boris Popov –

O hai, Boris!

O hai, Boris!

– and his PMC, Maverick Securities, and now, with the aid of support team members Kevin Washington and and Courtney Collins, and medical officer Wilhelm “Doktor” Voight –

O hai, Kevin!

O hai, Kevin!

O hai, Courtney!

O hai, Courtney!

O hai, elderly male balding Bifocals!

O hai, elderly male balding Bifocals!

– Raiden works as a primary asset and field operative for the organization, in their goal to usher the world to peace. However, in the middle of their job providing security for an African nation and its charitable prime minister, Raiden, Courtney and fellow Maverick Securities cyborg operatives come under fire by field agents of a rival PMC, Desperado Enforcement LLC., with two of their own cyborg operatives from Desperado’s elite Winds of Destruction squad, “Jetstream” Samuel Rodriguez (callsign “Minuano”) –

O hai, fucker!

O hai, fucker!

– and callsign “Sundowner” –

O hai, other fucker!

O hai, other fucker!

– kidnapping the prime minister and holding him hostage. Raiden immediately suits up (I kid, of course. He is permanently in uniform because his cyborg chassis is his new body) and sets after them in hot pursuit, but is unable to save the prime minister from an untimely demise, nor defeat Jetstream Sam in single combat, losing an arm and an eye, suffering critical damage to his chassis, and very nearly meeting his death at Sam’s hands, but for the timely intervention of a Maverick assault team led by Boris.

Flash forward three weeks, and Raiden has been rebuilt with an entirely new chassis, courtesy of Doktor’s handiwork:

Personally, I like the old chassis better.

Personally, I like the old chassis better.

Back in action and now after Desperado to see what the fuck their deal is, going around attacking business rivals out of the blue like that when they weren’t even causing trouble, Raiden is deployed into the field in Abkhazia, a breakaway nation in the midst of a military coup led by extremist Andrey Dolzaev and spurred on by Desperado forces. Raiden’s objective is to force Desperado to stand down and pull their forces out of Abkhazia, which he plans to do by capturing Dolzaev, but Desperado responds preemptively by deploying an AI operative, designated LQ-84i.

O hai, robot dog buddy!

O hai, robot dog buddy!

Raiden does battle with the AI, and is taken aback by the unusual level of personality the machine has for being… well, a machine. After hunting down Dolzaev and winning a tense fight against another Winds of Destruction member, the decision is made to recruit LQ-84i into Maverick, rebuilding him with a similar combat chassis to Raiden and redesignating him as “Bladewolf.” Bladewolf then serves as a primary asset in the field alongside Raiden for the rest of the game.

Soon following the Abkhazia mission, new information surfaces regarding Desperado’s whereabouts, and Raiden’s investigation leads him to Guadalajara, Mexico, where he has the misfortune of discovering a secret Desperado facility surgically extracting the brains of kidnapped children and shipping them to the United States, where Desperado and an allied PMC, World Marshal, led by primary antagonist, Senator Steven Armstrong –

O hai, ultimate fucker!

O hai, ultimate fucker!

– condition them via virtual reality training to become killers, with the intention of placing the newly conditioned brains inside cyborg mainframes and building a machine army with which to wage war. Raiden immediately resigns from Maverick Securities, once again becoming a free agent, and together with Bladewolf, he launches a one-man (and robot dog buddy) crusade straight into the heart of World Marshal’s headquarters in Denver, Colorado, to get to the bottom of this nonsense and put a stop to it, permanently.

And now that I’ve basically recanted the majority of the plot, let’s talk a bit about the game, itself:

Fans of earlier Metal Gear entries will note a few things about Revengeance that are… different from the norm. First and foremost, that name. Apparently, “revengeance” is a real world, though I can’t fathom how the fuck that one happened. Secondly, the gameplay deviates strongly from the series’ well-known stealth mechanics – by which I mean, if you do find a reason for stealth in Revengeance, you’ll quickly find that there’s little use for it, because this is a Platinum game, motherfucker, we don’t mess around with this sneaky-beaky bullshit, you will get your stupid ass out there and Devil May Cry their asses right FUCKING now.

Third, and in my mind, this is the most important – the soundtrack will rock you so hard, your windows will shatter under the brutality of the awesomness.

Don’t believe me? Alright, let’s have an example, then:

You can lie and try to say your windows remained intact all you want, I know how hard you got rocked. I mean, it blasted
Cook right out of his seat, for crying out loud.

*Cook slowly and unsteadily stumbles to his feet and uprights his chair, clutching his head*

Cook, slightly woozy: The soundtrack should be classified as volatile sonic ordinance, I think…

Doc: Don’t move your head too much, and try not to let yourself doze off for at least eight hours.

See? Your lies are hollow, naysayers.

For all Revengeance’s deviations, however, there is little denying that it is, indeed, a Metal Gear game. From it’s cheeky humor, reminiscent of earlier entries, to its heavy detailing of the Metal Gear canon intricacies, to the fun, sometimes silly collectibles that are available to be found, to even the callbacks to other mainline games, Revengeance is, at its core, just as Metal Gear as any game featuring Snake and Otacon. But when you put aside all its wackiness and the ridiculousness, Metal Gear is actually a pretty serious game series that focuses on incredibly mature topics, which no badfic author should even take one step towards. With this in mind, you wouldn’t think that it would be the easiest game to make an idiotic, high-school-girl-goes-to-Middle-Earth story about, right?

Ehm…

Me, and my sisters have wounded up in Metal Gear: Rising Revengence. We even got turned into cyborgs by Senator Steven Armstrong and he erased our memories. I teamed up with Raiden to find my sisters, free them, get our memories back, and defeat Armstrong. Can we succeed? BaileyxMistral, CassiexSam, MadisonxJohn (Raiden’s son)

…What can I say, folks? Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Cook: What the fuck did I just read?

Doc: Gotta wonder what level of psychosis some of these authors are at, to be able to pull this kind of crap off.

Cook: Maybe not psychosis, but I do think that it’s a sure sign that someone missed the entire tone of the game.

I’m inclined to agree with Cook on this one.

Right, so let’s get into this riff, proper:

Chapter 1: Prologue!

No, fucker, you can’t have it both ways! It’s either the prologue, or chapter one!

I don’t own the Metal Gear series. Only the OCs. ENJOY!

Doc: I would certainly hope they don’t own the Metal Gear series. I dread to think what would become of it, left in the hands of this author.

If Metal Gear Survive is already being hammered as a failure in the makings, you can bet your ass that fans of the series would burn down the author’s home.

Hello there.

Well, hi!

Cook: Nice to have a friendly narrator, every now and again.

My name is Bailey Michael Scott Brassell.

Oh dear Jesus, they didn’t even TRY to warn us about that.

Doc: Uh, I don’t think “how to treat blunt-force inanity” was covered in med school…

I know funny middle name.

Cook: Oh, is THAT the problem, now? Nothing to do with the rest of it, huh?

The “funny middle name” better not be Scott, or I’ma come through the screen and whoop her ass.

I am a 15 year old kid. I am acknowledge a teen. I am in the 9th grade, and a freshmen in High School.

That explains fucking EVERYTHING. Most of the time, you don’t even need to be told when you’re dealing with a freshman author, and I was starting to have my suspicions.

Cook: So, freshman authors typically write stories that start off bad and only get worse?

Save for the few exceptions like myself and probably everybody else at the Library, yes. And hell, even I was still writing, I wouldn’t say “bad” fics, but “problematic” fics when I was a freshman.

Doc: Meanwhile, my brother and I ended up skipping a year to the sophomore class because we were shooting to be doctors. Considering the potential alternative, I’m suddenly not sorry we were such heavy studiers.

I have a father, mother,

As do many people.

Cook: Unless you have a stepmom, like me.

Okay, as do many people, with exception to Cook and other kids with step-parents.

three cats, a dog, and two sisters.

Doc: Do the two sisters count as pets, or do the cats and dog count as sisters?

These are the questions of our universe, people.

Right now i am working on the dishes with music playing called ‘Raging Emperor’s banquet’.

That would be this song, folks:

I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t exactly scream “tunes to jam to whilst cleaning dishes” in my mind. Of course, then again, I can completely imagine Herr listening to opera while cleaning his dishes, so I suppose anything’s possible. And, admittedly, I, myself, listen to this kind of stuff:

…So I don’t really get to talk. (By the way, it’s incredibly difficult to do dishes while listening to music through earbuds, just FYI.)

My parents are in my mother’s room where they always do stuff what they want like watch movies, delete recordings from our Dish server, and just talk to each other.

Cook: “Just talk,” huh?

Doc: Oh, there’s plenty of talking during sex, but not on the level of casual conversation, I wouldn’t think.

You know, I brought you guys here under the assumption that you would be more mature than Glasses.

Cook: Then you should have brought the Captain here instead of us. He never cracks a joke.

But that wouldn’t be any fun!

Cook: Exactly, so don’t complain.

*grumble mutter*

My little sister is playing in her room. She’s in kindergarden, and is only 9 years old.

Doc: Well, I guess we know who won’t be getting an S.J.D. in law studies.

That poor shit won’t even graduate kiddie school before No Child Left Behind falls out, at the rate she’s going.

Cook: And I thought getting held back in the junior class one year looked bad on MY record…

My older sister has a day off. She works at a Wendy’s here in Franklin and is 18.

Hey, I’m a cashier at Yon Locale Michael’s Arts and Crafts Store, and I’m 21. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

And after a cursory Google search of where Franklin is, I’ve come up with a town of about 69,000 in Tennessee. I had my suspicions that this author was a west coast kid, but hey, I guess not!

Cook: What made you think they were west coast?

Oh, just personal bias. When you live in one place your whole life, you tend to develop an opinion about the place that doesn’t really apply to reality. I love living in California, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not hard to find an idiot in a crowd.

Sometimes i wish my dad would get his own drink. I agree with my mother saying he should get his own drink.

Cook: Yeah, fuck you, dad! Get your own beer!

*Dad* “Why you gotta be a dick, son?”

He has MS i forgot to mention.

Oh God, he’s been afflicted with a DIGITAL ART PROGRAM!

Doc: I’m going to smack you.

Oh relax, I know what MS the author means.

While i was working a voice said to me “Bailey feed everybody!” “Kay ma!” I replied.

Man, I thought I was done with bad dialogue.

Doc: And yet, you work here.

Yeah, I should probably know better…

That was my mother

Cook: Aw, fuck, I thought it was her grandma.

You’re up to H-O-R-S now, buddy.

Cook: See why I hate this game now, Doc?

Doc: You only hate it because you’re losing like a bitch.

i handle a lot of responsibilities here. Don’t get me started please.

Cook: But I’ve got the starter key right here! Come on!

Doc: Nothing ever goes Cook’s way.

After i gave the cats, and the dog some food and water i went back to the dishes. I heard some footsteps and i saw my older sister Cassandra Grace Brassell or Cassie for short with out little sister Madison Faith Collins Brassell or Madi walking to the fridge probably to get something to drink.

Does EVERYBODY in this fucking family have an obnoxious name?!

After i am finished i ask Cass “Hey Cass you ever wondered what to do once your married?” “Yes Bailey. Me and Dallas are fiancees.” Cass said. Yes Dallas purpose to my sister a while back. Dallas is a great boy who i called bro-in-law. His family was so perfect and his little brother Miguel is in Cooking Class as a Senior. Cass graduated Last year.
Today is 2/12/16 February 12th 2016.

THIS IS A FIC ABOUT METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Cook: Are you sure?

I’m steadily becoming less so with each sentence.

Oh i forgot about our appearances don’t i? Silly me.

Pop quiz: What do you do to avoid being ripped apart by a hailstorm of bullets?

Cook: Duck behind cover until the shooting stops?

Good guess! So, with that in mind, GET UNDER THE FUCKING DESK RIGHT NOW.

Cassie has on a blue buttoned shirt, black pants with a couple of holes on it, red sneakers, some glassses, long hair in Red dye, and has blue eyes. Me? I have on a long sleeve white shirt, blue jeans, black shoes, and black curly hair haven’t cut off for almost two years that reached my upper back. Madison wearing a red shirt, blue shorts, red sneakers, and red hair reaching her upper back.
My eyes are also blue.

*SC’s computer screen jumps about wildly on the desk as wardrobe porn fires out into every surface with the speed of an exploding star; eventually, the chaos ceases, and the two mercenaries and one riffer warily peek out from under the desk, scanning the utterly destroyed riffing chamber*

Doc: …I think it’s safe to come out now.

Man, Lyle’s gonna pitch a fit when she sees what happened in here…

Cook: At least we’re not dead?

Death has no meaning here, that’s a non-issue.

*A buttery arrow slams into SC’s desk with a note attached*

Esshi-kun, there were sounds of violence in your chamber, and random words regarding clothing punctured our ceiling. Are you injured? Do you require leeches? May one lay claim to any lost limbs or organs? -Ishi

No, Ishi.

*Ishi pouts, one room down*

Suddenly time froze

BOOKY!

[1v1 me, scrub -Book Specs]

me, and my sister looked around on confusion

Confusion: Stop it. Stop it. Quit. Leave me alone. Please stop.

until we saw the TV on the kitchen table’s screen glowing and we saw a Angel gurl smiling brightly at us.

Cook: I’m sorry, was that an angel girl, or an angel- guuuuurrrrrrl?

“Hi.” The girl said. “Who are you?” Cass ask. “I am merely a guide for now you two will go on your destinies.” The girl answered.

Well, that doesn’t tell us shit! Can you elaborate on that, please?!

We blinked in confusion before i ask “What destiny?” “You’ll know soon enough.” The girl replied before everything suddenly glow bright. We covered out eyes as we groan by bow bright it until we were unable to stay conscious. When we woke up we were in some kind of city.

527ac21556ecaa1c90ec54404df6c582

Welp.

Doc: Anybody got a broken-ass radio?

Cook: I have this two-by-four with a nail in it, will that help any?

“Where… are we?” I heard Cass’ voice said. “I don’t know.” I said. “Where is Daddy, and Mama?” Madi ask scared.
“We will find them Madi. I hope.” I whispered the last part.

You know, something in me is doubtful that they will. I just can’t put a finger on why, though.

We heard gunshots, and some explosions. We heard a horn honking and a female voice yelled “Get outta you kids!”

Shades, poking her head in: GET OUTTA, YOU KIDS!

NO U!

We looked and saw a Limousine rushing toward us. We screamed and ran out of the way. The Limousine stopped. “Who are they?” Madi ask scared. We looked and saw three… CYBORGS!?
They have metal as Faces too!

Hey now, Raiden’s face is not metallic. Sure, he has a bionic jaw, but that’s not his entire face, alright? And as for the other cyborgs, those are masks, not their faces.

By the way, I know what scene the author is trying to describe, and it’s this one:

As you may have noticed, the only cyborg who steps out of the limousine is Raiden. The other two, being the driver and secondary bodyguard, bug out of there with the prime minister and Courtney because, oh, you know, they’re under fire from cyborg operatives and have a primary obligation to see to the safety of unarmed VIP personnel.

Cook: Plus, that limo was being fired on by RPGs, which it’s probably not armored against. It was set upon by an attack squad of enemy cyborgs, including an elite operative, and it was actively blocked by large rigs with super thick metal plating. So, long story short, it needed to get out of there, and all three cyborg operatives stepping out to fight just went and signed the prime minister’s death warrant a hell of a lot earlier.

Yeah, so, nice going, Maverick Securities. You’re all fired, provided any of you make it out alive.

“What is… this crazy place!?” Cass yelled out.

Doc: Somewhere in Africa, if I’m not mistaken.

Yeah, I didn’t catch what the flag looked like, so I can’t really say for sure where, in Africa, it was.

Someone stepped out of the limousine. We saw it was a guy with grey-blondish hair, wearing a business suit, holding a large suitcase, blue eyes, some markings on his face, and a sku on his forehead.

That would be Raiden. We know this. I’m guessing “sku” is referencing Raiden’s left-eye HUD uplink that was part of his battle chassis before his rebuild, because hell if I can find any mention of it on the wiki.

Doc: What would “sku” even be short for?

Cook: “Strategic Knowledge Uplink?” I dunno.

I kind of like that, but more likely, the author just fucked up another word entirely.

He theowed the business suit off as we gasp. This guy is also a cyborg! Wearing yellow, armor, blue glass, sliver chest, legs, and hands. This is something you don’t see everyday.

Y’all saw what Raiden’s old combat chassis looked like, right? Good, so I don’t need to explain it again.

“What the hell!? Who is that!?” Cass yelled very confused.

Say it with me, now: RAIDEN. Also goes by Jack from time to time.

He held the suitcase in front of him as it opened and was floating was a sword.

Yep, that sure is English.

Doc: I’m inclined to disagree.

He grabbed it, throwed the suitcase away, and unsheathe the sword. The Limousine drove out of there. He slashed in the air twice. In a few seconds a building beside him collapsed in slash marks blocking the way where the Limousine went!
“That is awesome!” I yelled out loud. Madi seemed scared. The cyborg said “Let’s get this over with.” As something covers his left eye. A metal eyepiece by the looks of it.

So, no, she was not referencing the uplink. Welp, no idea what “sku” means, then. The only other idea I have is the SKU number for retail inventory items, and that ain’t right. Though, I’ma toss that suggestion Cook made at Bifocals, she’ll probably have a blast with that.

In a few seconds the cyborgs that blocked the limo fell to the ground dead.

Doc: And Raiden didn’t even move? Wow, did they all contract the single most extreme case of cyborg cancer ever documented?

Nah, the author just forgot that Raiden is actually supposed to MOVE when fighting.

“I’m on my way.” The cyborg said. Who was he talking too?

Boris.

He ran out. I ran after him as Cass yelled “Bailey! Argh! Hold on Madison.” She carried Madi on her back.

Cook: Oh yeah, real smart thinking, kiddos. Chase after the half-machine killnado as he plunges headlong into the fray. Find cover? Lay low? What the fuck is that noise?

Fanfiction OCs rarely, if ever, exercise soundness of judgment.

In a corner we saw the cyborg killing another. A few more came. The cyborg slashed them. One tried to slash as i yelled “Duck!” He did as the cyborg attacking him missed as the good cyborg killed him. He killed the rest as he cutted through the fence we got through and see a couple of angets carrying swords looking around.

Yeah, kid? Raiden doesn’t need your advice. He’s done this before, trust me.

Doc: Angets. What, are those angelic jet planes?

If so, would the Blue Angels count?

Cook: Another idea to throw at that Bifocals character, huh?

FUCKING NO.

Something burst out of the water.
It was a giant robot! It has a body, a tail, two arms looking like balloons, and a face that opens.

Well, hello there, Metal Gear RAY, nice of you to join us.

By the way, its arms aren’t balloons. They’re missile batteries.

Metal Gear RAY, ladies and gentlemen.

Metal Gear RAY, ladies and gentlemen.

So, Metal Gears. You might have guessed from their names, but these are the eponymous walking doomsday machines that the series is centered around, by which I mean, desperately trying to avoid releasing upon the world. The Shagohod tank from MGS3 and the Peace Walker (and its variants, which you fight individually) from MGSPW are the precursors to Metal Gears, and it was none other than Big Boss who came up with the very first Metal Gear in the lineup, ZEKE. Big Boss took the name from a term that was coined to describe to him a “missing link” between the all-terrain adaptability of standard infantry and the heavy firepower of artillery, that link being, all-terrain mobile artillery.

Generally speaking, Metal Gears are nuclear superweapons, but the RAYs that appear in Revengeance are more like absurdly flexible, heavily-armed tanks. Actually, there’s an in-canon explanation behind that: A true Metal Gear is a bipedal nuclear warhead battery. RAYs are not armed with nuclear warheads, and therefore are not legit Metal Gears. What they are, actually, are counter-weaponry against Metal Gears, because Metal Gears are so heavily armored that standard weaponry doesn’t tend to do much for shit against them unless their pilots make the mistake of exposing a weak point in the armoring, demonstrated by Liquid Snake’s piloting of Metal Gear REX in Metal Gear Solid.

Cook: So in other words, what probably would have resulted if the Cold War had access to Star Wars type tech.

Basically, yeah.

“M-M-M-Monster!” Madi screamed in fear and hide behind me.

Doc: You’re staring down the anathema to a nigh-indestructible walking death machine, and you choose to hide behind your equally-as-squishy meatsack sister. I mean, I guess no cover is good cover here, but that’s even worse.

Cook: Generally speaking, using your buddy as doom bait is a good way to get the ultimate backhanding from your CO later. Were these kids military, I mean.

Soon someone dropped from behind an agent and sliced his arms off! He also sliced his body. It was a guy that is also a cyborg.

You don’t need to keep telling us the assholes are cyborgs. It’s very obvious in the video that all the regular troopers get cut to shit real quick.

The guy is big, has face covering at his cheeks,

Cook: Uh, what?

Sundowner’s helmet is one of those Iron Man deals that still mostly covers his head even when it’s deactivated.

Cook: Well shit, it’s a good thing you knew what the author was getting at. I like to think I’m a decently smart guy, and I couldn’t translate that from gibberish.

That’s standard fare around these parts.

a black, and sliver cyborg body, carrying two machintes, and has two machite sheaths on his hips.

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen “machete” spelled that painfully wrong before.

Cook: Rogue would be devastated if he saw this.

Doc: No, he’d probably collapse into one of his psychotic murder-fits from trying to comprehend how it happened. And then I’d have to pretend I know how to be sneaky, and that I know how to handle a rifle, and make an effort to snipe him with a tranquilizer dart while avoiding anybody who doesn’t need to go sleepy-by. I fucking hate this job, sometimes.

Rogue’s the assault specialist for the team, audience. In case Doc’s grumbling didn’t make it clear, he’s a bit of a handful at times.

Doc: ”At times?”

The other agent tried to attack from behind but that guy blocked it without turning.

Damn you and your cyborg-like reflexes, Sundown- oh wait.

He tried to slice but the agent manage to avoid. The agent trust but the guy blocked turned his body, and sliced his arm off.

Cook: That’ll show you to trust, fuckass.

Doc: Well that was perhaps the single most violent betrayal I think I’ve ever seen in this line of work.

He turned back and connected his machete to a port inside his arm. And in one motion two of the machetes were between the agent’s neck!

Oh sure, NOW you know how to spell machete. And by the way, Doc might need to clarify this a bit, but if a pair of gigantic fuck-off murder-knives that can connect into psychotic scissors of doom are BETWEEN your neck, I’m pretty sure you’re already dead.

Doc: Nope, no clarification needed here. That about sums it up.

The agent tried to escape but the guy chuckled and kept him there. And i covered Madi’s eyes as the guy… decapitated the agent.

Just in case you didn’t know, folks, Sundowner’s a huge dick. I suppose it’s fitting, since he’s the security commander for a joint-PMC alliance of warmongers.

That would be most disturbing if Madison sees that.

Cook: So what? She still heard it. It’s gonna be stuck in her head forever now, because you wanted to chase after the cyborg instead of finding cover like a sane person. Have fun calming her nightmares for the rest of her life, dumbass.

We saw the guy jumping down. I ran with them following and i grabbed one of the dead agent’s swords.

Cook: Stupid, AND suicidal. How did this kid survive until her freshman year?

Doc: Buddha must really like her, because karma had to have been forcibly manipulated in order to not screw her over until now.

We saw him pull some guy out of the Limo.

That would be prime minister N’mani, folks.

He brought him on his shoulder and was about to leave before a voice yelled “Stop!” We looked and saw the good cyborg from earlier. The guy scoffed and said “So you’re Jack.”
The Cyborg Jack questioned “What do you want with the prime minister?” “I want him… dead. Nothing personal course. Africa’s just gettin’ a bit too peaceful.”

Desperado in a nutshell: “Why the FUCK AREN’T YOU AT WAR, SHITSTAINS?! FIX YOUR DEFICIENCIES!

Cook: And meanwhile, Maverick Securities is over here all, “No, stop it, you get out of here with that nonsense, shoo.”

To which Desperado turns and bitch-slaps them upside the face for talking out of turn.

Doc: Why does that sound like my old job…?

The guy said. Wait a mintue… we are in Africa? That angel girl must be involved.

otv7uja

“What?” Jack ask. “Business ain’t been the same since they shut down SOP. ‘A clean break from the war economy.’ Well some of us like that economy. How’s an honest warmonger supposed to make a living?” The guy ask.

I mean, he makes a solid point, bros.

Cook: Here he is, just going around waging wars and shit, and suddenly some Snake-looking asshole goes and ruins everything by fucking the Patriots’ day, what a douche.

Doc: They wouldn’t need such desperate measures if certain spies would just leave well enough alone, for once in their careers.

“This is your answer?” Jack ask.

Well, it was actually a rhetorical question, but hey, details.

“Who the hell are they?” Cass ask quietly. “I don’t know.” I said back.

Yet another thing the audience doesn’t need to be told, given that you aren’t naming them beyond “The guy” and “The good cyborg/Jack.”

The guy laughed as he pulls out one of his machetes. “Don’t do it!” Jack yelled. “Don’t worry now, i won’t. Not while he’s still useful.” The guy chuckled. Jack growled. I saw up close the guy’s eyes has been turned to us. Realizing what is going to happen next i widen my eyes, turned, and strike at the cyborg that tried to attack us as he screamed and fell.

Cook: …Yeah, bullshit. You, a thoroughly untrained idiot kid, did not just wipe out a bionic soldier, trained strenuously on both the physical and mental level until they become an emotionless killing machine. I would sooner out-doctor Doc and his brother before that shit ever becomes reality.

Doc: And my brother and I would sooner out-demolitions-expert you, in turn.

I would probably remain the same shithead I already am, but the point being made here, author, is that an un-augmented teenager with zippity-zilch in the way of combat experience doesn’t have a prayer against a cyborg operative of any stripe. Especially not with a sword, which you just picked up like a derp and they have expert training with.

I looked back and saw the guy chuckled as Jack turned to us as he widen his eyes. “How long were you three there!?” Jack ask in shock. “Since your driver told us to move it.” I answered him. “S-S-Scary.” Madi said in a low voice. “Oh ho! I didn’t even know you have a little kid with you! And i thought she was born short!” The guy laughed. “A kid!?” Jack ask in shock.

So let me get this straight: Jack and Sundowner, and that rando cyborg who just died from getting reflexively cut in half by Jack and not, in any way, struck down by some fuckface kid, are ALL equipped with military-grade HUDs (I would hope), and yet, NONE OF THEM knew that these three kids have been following them around for, what, the last fifteen minutes?

Cook: The level of their idiocy scrambled the satellite computers.

Doc: These three kids are such morons that their stupidity is like an EMP pulse to cyborg scanning systems.

[That would simultaneously make them more stupid and better prepared than Specs would be in this same situation. There’s a frightening thought. -Book Specs]

The guy jumped to us while the giant robot attacked Jack.

So, Jack is fine, and you three are dead. GG bros.

We stepped back as the guy jumped in front of us. Madi screamed as the guy chuckled. Cass grabbed one of the dead agent’s swords and i said “Madi hide over there!” As i pointed to a car. She hid behind the car.

You saw what Sundowner did to the last car someone tried hiding in, didn’t you? You’re seriously trusting your sister to not die behind THIS one?

Cook: I’m perfectly calm on the outside, but inside, I’m screaming like there’s no tomorrow.

“Who the hell are you anyway!?” Cass yelled. “Name’s Sundowner girl. Don’t worry i’ll go easy on your two.” Sundowner chuckled.
(Mini Boss theme: Rules of Nature)

Oh, fucking damn it, I hate when authors do this crap.

So, I’m more than happy to throw out Revengeance music, let’s be perfectly clear on that now – in fact, here’s Rules of Nature, while I’m thinking about it:


…but Rules of Nature is not Sundowner’s battle theme, and if we’re going to pretend that we’re “fighting” Sundowner, and that he isn’t just flat-out butchering the idiot kids, we may as well go about this the right way:

Now.

Proceed.

I slashed but Sundowner blocked it and kicked me away, Cass tried to take a swing but Sundowner blocked the attack and tried to strike but Cass avoided it. I tried to backslash but he blocked turned his body and tried to slash my arm off but i let go of the sword and pulled my hand back before he can make a painful slice. I grabbed the sword again and tried to thrust but he avoided it and strike.
I blocked his next attack. Cass went to slash but Sundowner blocked it without turning. Sundowner kicked Cass away as i slashed but he blocked.

*Faint screaming echoes through the hall*

You hear that? That is the sound of a Specs in agony.

Cook: I notice a distinct lack of these kids being dead, for some reason.

Doc: We came here expecting Sundowner to effortlessly dismember these fucktards, and demand an explanation for this bullshit.

Oh, it happened, this is the author trying to cover up how badly her OCs got ruined by re-writing the scene to appear as though they were at a stalemate. I don’t care if I’m just making that up, I refuse to accept the malarkey that some punk kids were able to stalemate Sun-fuckin’-downer in a battle of blades. They would only succeed at being more insulting if it were Sam or Raiden being made fools of.

“You think you can beat this Cyborg?” Sundowner ask with a smirk. “I’ll have to swing harder to hit you!” I yelled as he punched me with his free arm holding the prime minister.

…That burn was so lame, I think my thermometer dropped five degrees.

Doc: Cyborg strength is super-enhanced, generally speaking, right?

It differs depending on the cyborg, but generally, yeah.

Doc: One of the kidiots just took a Sundowner-sized fist in the face and didn’t even flinch.

In reality, her head exploded, and only her lower jaw remains as evidence that she ever had a face.

Sundowner looked back and saw Jack sliced and diced one of the robot’s arms.
(Theme ends)

Don’t be fooled, Jack ain’t done with that RAY yet.

Cook: I should hope not. Lose one weapon and your systems go into shutdown? That would be a crappy Metal Gear-killer.

“We’ll finish this later.” Sundowner said as he escape.

Cook: Sundowner’s kind of a big dude, are you telling me he just popped a stealth field generator and disappeared?

No, he just runs away all old fashioned-like. But if he did pop stealth field generators, that would make him way, way more intimidating than he already is. You’re just walking along, suddenly fuckin’ Sundowner jumps out at you all like, “SHAZAM MOTHERFUCKER!”? I’d shit myself so fast.

Doc: I’m forever going to have an image of Sundowner popping out and yelling, “Shazam, motherfucker!” stuck in my head, now.

“Is if safe to come out?” Madi ask peeking from her spot.

She asked to the desecrated corpses of her sisters.

“Yeah. It is.” I said. “Bubby look out!” Madi screamed.

“Bubby?”

*Cook struggles valiantly to avoid laughing*

*Doc blinks in utter emotional detachment, the shock having even dispelled his perpetual pessimism*

Something hit my neck before i blacked out.

Doc: Tends to be how that goes, yeah.

When i opened my eyes i was on some sort of train. I looked around and saw Sundowner with the Prime Minister with his hands in ropes. And some guy is with him.

That would be Sam, the coolest cyborg this side of Raiden.

Cook: That kind of sounded wrong.

I’m not editing it.

ALSOGETTHEFUCKDOWN!

This new guy has peach cyborg armor, a metal arm, black hair, a trim beard, and mustache, a scar going through his left eye. Peach armor legs, black hair, in a braid, with a few bangs on his face, and a katana with a sheathe looking like a gun.

*SC’s computer screen bounces about again, riddling the walls with more clothing porn*

Christ, it’s getting dangerous in here.

Cook: …Did that say “peach cyborg armor” and “peach armor legs?”

Yeah, suffice to say, Sam’s armor is not peach colored. I don’t know where the author pulled that from. I mean, I threw up a picture of what he looks like, you all saw me do it, he ain’t no peach-looking motherfucker. The only thing that’s even remotely peach-like about him is that fucking troll grin before he ruins your day forever, and that’s because your immediate first (and subsequent last) thought is, “well, this is gonna be just peachy.

That gunsheath, though, is perhaps the single coolest bullshit thing Revengeance does.

34xs1ap

So, each of the Winds of Destruction have their own unique weapons, and you unlock copycats of these weapons for Raiden, which the game fluffs as being the reconstructive handiwork of Doktor because he agrees with Raiden on how cool those weapons were and DUDE WE SHOULD TOTALLY HAVE THEM. But Sam’s weapon, which is literally his old Muramasa katana (yes, people, Sam has a fuckin’ demon sword) reconfigured as a High Frequency Blade, is the sole copy, picked right off of Sam’s dead ass near the endgame, when he and Raiden have a proper swordsman’s duel and settle the score like warriors. And hey, having the original over a copy is just fine, because – as evidenced by the final showdown with Armstrong – Raiden’s HF Blade wasn’t quite up to code anyhow, and whatever was done to Sam’s sword was obviously done right.

Such as the gunsheath.

It’s exactly what it sounds like: There’s a trigger assembly and semi-auto ammunition loading mechanism constructed into the hilt. A small barrel is built in beside the slot that the sword is placed into, so that when the sword is not in use, the barrel sits just under the hand guard. A magazine gets loaded into the sheath – it’s important to note that it is not filled with bullets, but rather, tiny pile drivers, as bullets would damage the sword. Sam then pulls the trigger, a pile driver is fired into the hand guard, and the force of the impact kicks the sword out of the sheath with such a high velocity that it turns downright vorpal when slicing dudes up.

Now, obviously, this idea in the real world would be absolutely laughable, but damn it if it doesn’t sound cool here. And you have to appreciate when the devs actually put the time into making it seem almost plausible. Kinda reminds me of that old balisong sword idea I had that I still like to kick around from time to time.

Cook: Incidentally, our team’s lieutenant, Saber, is a takedown expert who uses a single-edged, straight-blade saber when he’s up close enough to do what he does best. I guess that’s why he has that callsign. He, Rogue, Doc and I all toss around this kind of bullshit for funsies on our downtime.

Doc: It’s either that or just sit in awkward silence. Our safe houses don’t really have much in the way of time-killers because the Captain is paranoid about any unguarded tech being tapped by black-hat hackers working for the guys we’re up against.

Cook: I suppose he’d know best about that, given that he’s a black-hat hacker, himself.

I can see where that would be stiflingly boring.

Cook: He’s been talking about maybe opening recruitment for a secondary techie so that we can start taking measures to safeguard our computer systems – beyond hoping that he’ll be vigilant enough to catch any attempts to bust in before they can happen, I mean – and at least have some kind of freedom on that front, but so far, that’s been a bad case of “easier said than done,” because Director Dole’s been less than forthcoming with potential options. Without Dole’s scouting resources to help out, the only guy the Captain knows with the kind of skill he’s looking for is his brother. That’s an automatic no on all levels, because the stories of how badly Cobalt and Scarlet want each other dead could stretch on for years.

Doc: …Why do they want each other dead, anyhow? Both our teams are stuck under Dole’s thumb, you’d think they’d be more agreeable towards each other.

Cook: Fuck if I know, and to be quite honest, I also don’t care.

Probably neither does the audience, so back to the riff!

Cook: Aw, but I was enjoying going off-script.

He said, in script format…

“You three are finally awake.” Sundowner said. I looked beside me and saw Cass, and Madi have also awaken. “What happened Sundowner!?” I qustioned him.
“Now now. Sam here knocked you and your sisters out and brough you here. In a moment Jack will be here.” Sundowner said.

I have a hard time believing Sam just knocked them out, rather than dice them into confetti.

That other cyborg’s name must be Sam.

No, his name is Jeff.

“Prime Minister!” We looked over and saw Jack. Sundowner turned to him and “Too little too late hero. I won’t be needing my little shield here any longer.” He lifts one of his machetes to the prime minister’s neck and sliced a little of his chin as he screamed.11111

Specs, poking his head in: ONEONEONEONEONE!!!

HEY! GET OUTTA, YOU KID!

After that Sundowner grabbed his neck. “What about all the good things war has done for us? Why don’t we ever hear speeches about that? Jobs, technology, a common purpose…” Sundowner said as he lifts the prime minister up.

Probably because the good stuff is overwhelmed by the sheer amount of dickery, if I had to wager a guess.

Cook: Strange how that works.

Sam yawned as the prime minister said “Raiden… forget me. Stop him.” “Raiden? But i thought his name is Jack.” I said. “Raiden is his codename wimp.” And you ain’t listening. Sundowner said as he sliced the chains off of the prime minister.

Doc: Of all the things Sundowner could have come back with, he went with “wimp?” I almost feel bad for him.

Hey, having snappy insults on hand takes a lot of work, and Sundowner’s already a busy enough man as it is, alright?

Jack or Raiden

Cook: JaRaideck.

I like it.

went to save him but Sam blocked the way and said “Mind if i cut in?”

Ho ho ho ho ho, pun pun pun pun pun!

Doc: Is… is he having a seizure?

Cook: You’re the medic, you figure it out. I don’t wanna touch him.

Sundowner lifted the prime minister up and said “All we’re saying is… give war a chance!” Before he thrust the prime minister with his machete killing him.

Well, with shitty debate skills like that, it’s no wonder your war ideals aren’t making any ground!

“No!” Madi, and Raiden screamed.

Sorry, all I heard cared about was Raiden.

Doc: Same.

Sundowner dumped his body in the side as it went out of sight. “And you… you are just a good listener aren’t you?” Sundowner ask.
He lifted one of his machetes to my neck as i felt my chin getting cutted.

Sundowner just wants someone to talk to, guys.

Cook: We’ve all been there before.

“Gah! Ahhha!” I yelped in pain before it was over. “Okay killing the prime minister, and knocking them out is one thing.

It is? Shit, I’d have drawn the line all the way back at the AMBUSH.

Butnobody hurts my brother!” Cass yelled with venom in her voice.

…Well, with a name like Bailey, is it any surprise that I’ve been mistaking the kid for a girl the whole time?

Cook: Nah, I think we’ve all been making that mistake.

Doc: I can’t even remember the last time I met a guy named Bailey. Probably because I never have.

Sundowner jumped up and chuckled as he said “He’s all yours Sam and keep these three alive.”
Before he left from a helicopter.
(Mini Boss theme: The Only Thing I Know for Real)

Jesus Christ, this ain’t no miniboss fight, Sam’s busting out his boss theme!

(For the record, this is my favorite song in the game.)

Sam got ready and said “Let’s go.” His katana is red. Raiden also got ready as we are inside a tunnel. They both slashed, as they blocked each other strikes. They clashed blades as Sam said “Self-Taught… and not half-bad. Still…” Sam slashed up and slashed Raiden’s eyepiece out and he got pushed back. “Your technique lacks something..” Sam finished. They both were at it again.

I want so badly to just cut this out so I don’t have to watch this fight be completely bastardized, but sadly, it moves too fast to warrant that.

Sam slashed Raiden at a fast speed. “This will be unpleasant…” Sam mumbled. The two were at it again. They clashed blades again as Sam said “Now i see. You deny your weapon it’s purpose.” Sam broke the struggle elbowed Raiden back and did a upward slash that scarred Raiden’s right eye. He hold his bleeding eye as Sam said “It yearns to bathe in the blood of your enemies… but you hold it back.”
“No. My sword is a tool of justice.” Raiden said as he points his sword at Sam.

Cook: That kind of talk might have worked on Vamp, buddy, but this ain’t Vamp.

Wait, did you actually play MGS4?

Cook: Certainly not enough to remember all of it, but yeah.

Doc: Huh. Didn’t take you for a gamer type.

Cook: Well, what the hell else was I supposed to do on my downtime at base after getting back from a mission?

He let go of his bleeding eye it see it closed, and still bleeding.

*Alarms Blare*

You’d have thought this thing would be rife with more redundancies than this, but I guess not.

*SC procures a copycat Muramasa HF Blade – but rather than dice dudes up in badass fashion, he simply points the sword out into the hall and fires the blade into the DRD agents hilt-first, like a small battering ram*

Cook: Well, that was unconventional.

Bro, I ain’t no swordsman, I don’t mess with that shit.

Sam scoffed and charged with his sword in the train and got it back up with it on flames. They both slashed and blocked their moves as Sam retracted his katana and Raiden went to attack. Sam pulled the trigger off his sword and grabbed it and… sliced Raiden’s right arm off!

See what I mean about that damn gunsheath, people?

Doc: Professional medical opinion here: That’s probably not good.

Cook:Probably.

We all gasp as Madi had tears in her eyes. Raiden got pushed back and looked at his bleeding arm and yelled “S^%t! Not again…”

Kid, the game has swearing in it, and you’re writing a play-by-play of the first level. Get over yourself and just type the damn word out, it’s not like your audience is gonna get up your ass about it like mom and dad might. And if you were really concerned about their opinion on that, you wouldn’t be writing a Revengeance fic, okay?

Raiden is weakened by losing a lot of blood and tried to slash but Sam blocked each strike. Sam strike Raiden as Raiden grabbed the end of the train losing his sword in the process. “This is what happens when you being a tool to a swordfight. This ends now.” Sam said before we left the tunnel.
“Lucky devil.” Sam said as we saw some tanks and some guy shooting.

Those weren’t tanks, they were dude-carriers with machine gun turrets mounted on the roof. And the guy in question is Boris, and his assault team. Who the hell knows how they got to Africa so fast, or how they caught up with the train in such an optimal return-fire position, but then again, it’s not exactly explained where Maverick’s base of operations is in-game, and maybe Boris just got that lucky.

Sam blocked the bullets. He even grabbed the three of us jumped and grabbed the rope as we got pulled up and Raiden was bleeding to death.

Interesting fun fact: The only part of Sam that’s actually bionic is his arm. The rest of him is totes human, he’s just wearing a suit of battle armor that amps up his already pretty impressive abilities. Sam is borderline Gary Stu, guys.

After we got in some sort of base we were greeted by a man with glasses purple bussiness suit, and black shoes. “Welcome there! I am Senator Steven Armstrong. You three would be usefull.” The man said.

Oh yeah, you’ll be useful, alright. Either that, or you’re gonna get a nice, hefty dose of nanomachines, son right up your ass. And trust me, that don’t feel too good.

“What are you gonna do with us!?” Cass ask. “Make you two into cyborgs, and wipe your memories what else? As for her i’ll take her in.” Armstrong said turning to Madi.

Yep, Armstrong’s still a dick. Although that’s oddly considerate of him to look after the littlest one for- WAIT SHE’S BEING LOOKED AFTER BY ARMSTRONG I REGRET EVERYTHING.

Doc: Is Armstrong always so up front with his intentions?

You’d think not, since he’s a politician, but hey, whatever, I guess he is for the sake of this fic.

“No thanks.” Madi politly said.

This tiny child just decided to have more balls than Sam. (And Sam made the mistake of squaring off with Armstrong once.)

Cook: Too bad she is, indeed, a tiny child, and will be punted like a football all the way across the world.

Like poor Raiden:

[Not Fucking With This Senator Intensifies]

Armstrong glared and said “Oh second thought you three would be those. Take all of them to the cyborg chambers and call them the Winds of Balance!” He commanded.

Ew. That name makes me feel gross. Maybe if this weren’t a fic about Revengeance, I might actually appreciate it, but guess where we are right now. Ugh.

“Yes sir!” The soldiers responded. Wait! What destiny does that girl mean?

Bit late to be worrying about that now, kid.

They forced us to the chambers and eject us with something. I feel my body growing numb.
Last thing i heard was Madison screaming.

I woke up and i was confused. Who i’m am? Where i’m i?

Oh god, the cyborg conversion surgery knocked out the author’s already minute understanding of grammar.

Doc: Welp, that’s gonna be embarrassing during the mental conditioning. I assume there’s some kind of written exam or something.

I opened my eyes and i am seeing a blue screen. I am seeing a man as the screen in my eyes analyze him as his picture shows in the corner and it shows name ‘Senator Steven Armstrong’.

Aw man, you got the Windows 98 HUD.

“Welcome. My name is Steven Armstrong but call me Senator Armstrong. Do you remember who you are?” He ask.

See, I thought he’d go for calling him Steven, but I guess not.

Cook: Well, he is still the boss. Can’t get too formal, you know.

“No… Senator. Who am i? Where am i?” I ask him. “I founded you and two of your friends. You are named Bailey Barsett from what your file says. You are a 15 year old cyborg that volunteered to fight for this country at age of 11. Your parents, and older brother were killed by terrorists and that was why you joined the army.” Senator Armstrong said reading a piece of paper.
My family were… killed by terrorists?

Once again, Armstrong is an ABSOLUTE DICK. But I love how he apparently needs a cue card to remember the bullshit backstory.

I looked on a mirror that i have a yellow, and grey metal body, gold boots, and blue eyes, with black hair.

I am shocked at how restrained this cyborg chassis is. I would have thought for sure that the author would have made themselves bright green or something.

Cook: Does that happen frequen-

Tai.

Cook: I’ll just cut my question short where it is, then.

“I know it’s hard to believe. Your friends survive with you from an attack.” Senator Armstrong said. “Thank you Senator.” I thanked him as i got off my bed and walked down the hall with him beside me.
We reached a large hanger and i see two female cyborgs. A purple, and black version of my body long red hair, and blue eyes. The other is smaller has short black hair, blue eyes, a grey, amd dark suit, and metal legs. My screen analyzed them and the purple one’s name is ‘Cassie Adkins’, and the smaller one’s name is ‘Madison Obama’.

Doc: Madison. Obama. Now, there is no possible way the author did that on accident.

If they find this riff and try to claim otherwise, I’m just gonna laugh at them.

“Hey girls your last friend is awake.” Senator Armstrong said as the girls turned.
“Hello friend i am Cassie Adkins. This is Madison Obama.” Cassie said introducing them. “Cassie is a 18 year old cyborg that fought in the army at age of 10. She had a father, and a mother which were both killed in a plane crash. Madison is a 9 year old cyborg that is President Barack Obama’s daughter. When she is 6 she had an accident that costed her much of her body. So scientists made her a cyborg and Obama wasn’t happy. When she wanted to join the army he allowed her since he wanted her cyborg to get warmed up.” Senator Armstrong explained each of them to me.

Wow.

Cook: Nope, definitely didn’t go with that name by accident.

He also explained about me. “Here are the weapons you guys were born with.” Senator Armstrong said as a couple of cyborgs gave us some swords. I also got a dagger. Both of them are green.

I’ll just assume he means “born” as in, “surgically rebuilt.”

Doc: Green swords. Grey and gold chassis. What is this bullshit.

Welp, that’s what I get for having my hopes up.

I placed the dagger at my foot, and set my sword at my hip. Cassie has a bow that works like a sword but can shoot energy bolts. She also got a blade that is red.

Why does Cassie have a Kid Icarus weapon?

Madison got two short swords that are black.

There’s a particular joke that my brain wants me to make, but I can’t, because it would be incredibly racist, and that ain’t me.

My screen shows they are something called ‘High Frequency Blades’.

So, the short version of High Frequency Blades is that they’re swords which vibrate at, well, a high frequency, and are heated up just enough to avoid melting the blade, which supposedly allows them to cut way better than a normal sword already does. Something something atoms wiggling around, so a vibrating sword would wiggle right along with them and make an extremely clean and precise cut or something like that. There’s a few pesky logistical issues, not to mention that physics is having a fit right now, but that’s what the game is going with. Oh yeah, and in case you forgot, HF Blades also get charged with electricity, for some reason. Rule of Cool, I’m betting.

“Alright now then. Do you three know how to fight?” Senator Armstrong ask. We shook our heads no.” “That accident might’ve get you to forget your sense to fight.

Doc: Little did you know that Armstrong is an extensively trained and certified expert medical officer.

Trufax 2016.

But your Cyborgs instincts can help. Prove to me how good you three are.” Senator Armstrong said as he got lifted up by a elevator.
We heard some clancking and saw a giant robot with a huge tail. My screen told me it is something called a ‘Metal Gear Ray’. It roared as my screen said ‘Battle mode!’

Sure, yep, World Marshal is totally going to waste time coding in a ridiculous video game-y message like that on a cyborg operative’s HUD.

Then something was folded over my face. A helmet that is white and has a blue green, dot as an eye as my screen changed color to red.

*Cook pukes into a bag*

Doc: Push fluids, lay flat on your back and breathe slow. And why the fuck would the author make a shitty Grey Fox outfit for themselves?

Probably because they played MGS1 and thought Grey Fox was way cool. Which is understandable, he kind of is. But oh, that color scheme is gonna kill someone.

Cook: Like… me…

Cassie’s does the same which is the same as my helmet except it is a purple dot. Madison had a visor over her eyes which is orange.
“C’mon friends lets destroy this thing for Senator Armstrong.” I said as the girls nodded.

And as much as I would really love (*snerk*) to read about how they take out a Metal Gear RAY unit, we sadly (*SNERK*) have to wrap it up here or else I won’t get this riff in on time. Means next week’s gonna be another long riff, I bet…

Well, thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! I think I’m just gonna go ahead and keep dragging members of Cobalt’s team here, and hope to God that he doesn’t catch on that I’ve been doing it, because I’m super dead if he does. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Doctor Bradley “Doc” Bradson and Sergeant Jack “Cook” Ryder, I’ll see you next time!

…Man, Cook sure had a rough day.

Cook: Not any worse than having a grenade go off right next to my ear. My equilibrium was fucked for years.

Yeesh.

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106 Comments on “1550: A New Metal Cyborg Trio! – Chapter One, Part One”

  1. SC says:

    Author Comment: Let’s play, “How Late Can SC Finish A Riff?”!

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    *long, convoluted plot involving nanotechnology, cybernetics, private military contractors, and the disintegration of pretty much the entire world into warfare, all occurring two years from now*

    This is why it would be a bad idea to let Donald Trump win.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Dallas is a great boy who i called bro-in-law.

    He’s named Dallas and he’s called ‘bro-in-law’.

    Screw the Beige Void, I already know what he looks like- no other description is necessary:

    And I want to punch him in the face.

  4. BatJamags says:

    Me, and my sisters have wounded up in Metal Gear: Rising Revengence.

    I would be worried that they’re apparently able to travel into a video game by injuries, or that atrocious grammar, but right now I’m mostly concerned about the property damage. Windows are expensive, asshole!

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    We heard a horn honking and a female voice yelled “Get outta you kids!”

    Hmm, maybe it’s the constant warfare and all, but exorcisms in the Metal Gear universe seem to have lost a lot of the old pomp & ceremony.

  6. BatJamags says:

    My name is Bailey Michael Scott Brassell.

    Riiiiiiiight… I’m going to call you Bailiwick and move on.

  7. BatJamags says:

    I am acknowledge a teen.

    And just what the flying fuck on a tricycle does that mean?

  8. BatJamags says:

    My little sister is playing in her room. She’s in kindergarden, and is only 9 years old.

    This isn’t even a math error, this is a counting error. This author is a fifteen-year old freshman, which is ninth grade.

    15: 9th grade
    14: 8th grade
    13: 7th grade
    12: 6th grade
    11: 5th grade
    10: 4th grade
    9: 3rd grade
    8: 2nd grade
    7: 1st grade
    6: Kindergarten

    Well, if your birthday is during the school year, those are the ages at which you’ll finish those grades. You start Kindergarten at 5 (in the United States, at least).

    • SC says:

      I mean, that’s how it worked with me, in any event.

      • BatJamags says:

        Yeah. I’m kind of weird on this front, but the point is that most nine-year-olds are going to be in 3rd or 4th grade. This particular one doesn’t seem to be any more challenged than her sisters who are about where they should be, so I’d say that the author doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

        Big shock there.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Yeah. I started at 5 and graduated at 17 because I was a summer birthday and I was put in a little early. My son turned 6 in kindergarten and will graduate at 18, which is more typical. Although the kid is flippin’ smart and will probably get out of high school with college credits.

  9. BatJamags says:

    Sometimes i wish my dad would get his own drink. I agree with my mother saying he should get his own drink.

    What? Where did that come from? What does that even mean? Proofread your shit, author!

  10. BatJamags says:

    While i was working a voice said to me “Bailey feed everybody!” “Kay ma!” I replied.

    “Feed everybody?” Really? Do people talk like that?

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    He held the suitcase in front of him as it opened and was floating was a sword.

    He opened his briefcase… and it started levitating, then became a sword?

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    In a corner we saw the cyborg killing another. A few more came.

    Ew.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    He did as the cyborg attacking him missed as the good cyborg killed him.

    Wait, how do they know that Raiden is the good cyborg? They literally just dropped into this universe- for all they know that guy in the limo was a major crime boss with connections to a number of brutal rebel groups, and the attackers were sent by the legitimate government or somebody to take him down.

    • SC says:

      Well, the limo’s security caravan was nice enough to tell those kids to get outta. You sure didn’t hear that out of the Desperado agents, now did you?

      • BatJamags says:

        Plus, the plot told them that Raiden was good. And now, with the ALL NEW PCC-brand Convenient Knowledge(tm), you too can tell ally and enemy for the low, low price of three cyborg test subjects!

        GoodJamags: I’m going to post this before you start doing a campaign add for Armstrong.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Maybe his SKU indicated he was a good guy. Heroes have odd numbers, villains even?

  14. BatJamags says:

    After i am finished i ask Cass “Hey Cass you ever wondered what to do once your married?” “Yes Bailey. Me and Dallas are fiancees.” Cass said. Yes Dallas purpose to my sister a while back. Dallas is a great boy who i called bro-in-law. His family was so perfect and his little brother Miguel is in Cooking Class as a Senior. Cass graduated Last year.
    Today is 2/12/16 February 12th 2016.

    Now, here’s a question: do I give a shit? Hmm… I honestly don’t know. Let me check my magic 8-ball.

    *Shake shake shake*

    8-ball: Of course you fucking don’t, idiot.

    Don’t give me any of your sass. *Smash*

    • SC says:

      I just shake Booky. He gets rather cross about it, but the effect is otherwise the same.

      • GhostCat says:

        I have a Magic Alice Ball I picked up from a Twilight fic that does the same thing.

        :shakes Magic Alice Ball:

        “Outlook uncertain due to the presence of werewolves.”

        Dammit! That’s your answer for everything!

  15. BatJamags says:

    Oh i forgot about our appearances don’t i? Silly me.

    Oh, for the love of fuck.

  16. BatJamags says:

    *Sigh* Fine. Let’s have a look at this.

    Cassie has on a blue buttoned shirt, black pants with a couple of holes on it, red sneakers, some glassses, long hair in Red dye, and has blue eyes.

    Well, that would look atrocious. I mean, I never got the holes-in-the-jeans thing to begin with, but a blue shirt, black pants, and red sneakers? That’s just gaudy. And what are glassses?

    Me?

    Yes, you. You know what you did.

    I have on a long sleeve white shirt, blue jeans, black shoes, and black curly hair haven’t cut off for almost two years that reached my upper back.

    Not one haircut for two years? Even if you want long hair, that would just turn into a mess.

    Madison wearing a red shirt, blue shorts, red sneakers, and red hair reaching her upper back.

    There are colors other than red, blue, and black, you know. And if you’re going to take time out to talk about appearances, at least talk about the material and design of these things. It’s better if you don’t bring it up, but this just isn’t helpful.

    My eyes are also blue.

    And what the fuck is this? Shouldn’t this go back where you described yourself?

    Oh, shit, this author hasn’t figured out how to edit something she already typed, has she?

    • SC says:

      There are colors other than red, blue, and black, you know.

      Nuh uh. That’s bullshit.

    • GhostCat says:

      Not one haircut for two years? Even if you want long hair, that would just turn into a mess.

      Not necessarily; my last haircut was in 1996. That’s substantially longer than two years.

      • BatJamags says:

        I guess it depends on what kind of hair you have. I wear mine pretty short, but it gets to be a pain just to comb it after about a month.

      • GhostCat says:

        My hair’s super curly, so short styles don’t work for me – it typically winds up a snarled mess.

      • Mine can take Sox months to grow from above the tips of my ears to shoulder level.

      • GhostCat says:

        Human hair grows at an average rate of one-quarter of an inch per month, which is the forensic standard used when testing for long-term poisoning and/or drug use, so that sounds about right.

        I actually had someone ask me how long it took my hair to stop growing after I stopped getting it cut, which led to me explaining to an adult that hair grows regardless of what you do to it. Apparently she thought the only way to make hair grow was by cutting it, which sounds incredibly counterintuitive to me.

  17. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I’ll have to swing harder to hit you!”

    That’s not how it works.

  18. BatJamags says:

    until we saw the TV on the kitchen table’s screen glowing and we saw a Angel gurl smiling brightly at us.

    Why the hell is the TV on the kitchen table? Don’t you need that space to, y’know, eat?

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    They forced us to the chambers and eject us with something.

    Hopefully, they ejected them from the story.

  20. BatJamags says:

    a black, and sliver cyborg body, carrying two machintes, and has two machite sheaths on his hips.

    Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen “machete” spelled that painfully wrong before.

    Oh, I get it! It’s a pun! It’s a “Machinte” because he’s a cyborg – it’s a machine-machete!

    I’m sorry.

  21. BatJamags says:

    Have fun calming her nightmares for the rest of her life, dumbass.

    You have to go to sleep to have nightmares, and there’s no way she’s going to live long enough to do that.

  22. BatJamags says:

    …Well, with a name like Bailey, is it any surprise that I’ve been mistaking the kid for a girl the whole time?

    Cook: Nah, I think we’ve all been making that mistake.

    Doc: I can’t even remember the last time I met a guy named Bailey. Probably because I never have.

    Then what the hell is so weird about his middle names? And that makes his not having cut his hair in two years even more confusing!

  23. BatJamags says:

    Madison Obama

    What the fuck?

    • BatJamags says:

      This is Madison Obama.

      Alright, you don’t have to rub it in!

      • BatJamags says:

        Madison is a 9 year old cyborg that is President Barack Obama’s daughter. When she is 6 she had an accident that costed her much of her body. So scientists made her a cyborg and Obama wasn’t happy. When she wanted to join the army he allowed her since he wanted her cyborg to get warmed up.

        You’re… really going with this, aren’t you?

        *Headdesk* *Headdesk* *Headdesk*

      • SC says:

        Mr. President, did you know your daughter’s a cyborg?

  24. WE HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED THE FUCKING RIFF.

    ~ONE ROUND OF KICKED DRD ASSES LATER~

    DuFresne: You know, you could’ve at least put them in the respawn system. It’s hard to play poker with people who are in comas.

    • SC says:

      If they’re gonna jump me before the riff even starts, I’m gonna whoop some ass right and proper, and they don’t get no respawns.

  25. Delta XIII says:

    Topic: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance

  26. Delta XIII says:

    Me, and my sisters have wounded up in Metal Gear: Rising Revengence. We even got turned into cyborgs by Senator Steven Armstrong and he erased our memories. I teamed up with Raiden to find my sisters, free them, get our memories back, and defeat Armstrong. Can we succeed? BaileyxMistral, CassiexSam, MadisonxJohn (Raiden’s son)

  27. Delta XIII says:

    Pop quiz: What do you do to avoid being ripped apart by a hailstorm of bullets?

    Cook: Duck behind cover until the shooting stops?

    Good guess! So, with that in mind, GET UNDER THE FUCKING DESK RIGHT NOW.

    *ducks behind Leading Brand SC-Type Human Shield*

  28. Delta XIII says:

    Just in case you didn’t know, folks, Sundowner’s a huge dick. I suppose it’s fitting, since he’s the security commander for a joint-PMC alliance of warmongers.

    Pretty much all the others get philosophical about it, while Sundowner’s motivation is basically “mo’ war crimes, mo’ money!”

  29. Delta XIII says:

    Cook: I’m perfectly calm on the outside, but inside, I’m screaming like there’s no tomorrow.

  30. Delta XIII says:

    (For the record, this is my favorite song in the game.)

    For me, it’s a tie between Collective Consciousness and Red Sun.

  31. Delta XIII says:

    Sam pulled the trigger off his sword and grabbed it and… sliced Raiden’s right arm off!

    Uh, no, he lost his left arm. I know because in the Controllable Helplessness section after that cutscene, you’re still able to do some (very sluggish) sword swings, and Raiden is a right-handed swordsman.

  32. Delta XIII says:

    Sam is borderline Gary Stu, guys.

    True, but given how well he pulls it off, I think we can give him a pass.

  33. Delta XIII says:

    Doc: Is Armstrong always so up front with his intentions?

    Not really. Raiden had to destroy his spider mech, then get the shit kicked out of him for about a minute, then start goading Armstrong before he finally stopped bullshitting.

  34. Delta XIII says:

    Once again, Armstrong is an ABSOLUTE DICK. But I love how he apparently needs a cue card to remember the bullshit backstory.

    Armstrong: *thinking* Dear God, who wrote this shit?! I swear, if it’s that fruit who built the goddamned Japanese garden…

    • SC says:

      *Monsoon, across the room, detaches his head and hovers over Armstrong’s shoulder to peek at the script*

      Armstrong: Don’t look, it’s embarrassing.

  35. TacoMagic says:

    My little sister is playing in her room. She’s in kindergarden, and is only 9 years old.

    What the fuck is a 9-year-old doing in kindergarten!?

  36. TacoMagic says:

    Doc: What would “sku” even be short for?

    SKU is the acronym for Stock Keeping Unit, which is used synonymously with UPC in certain parts of the country (The Midwest happens to be among those). I cringe every time I hear somebody around here talk about the product “skoo.”

    Basically, it’s the bar code associated with the product. Likely the author was attempting to clumsily reference the bar code in the center of Raiden’s forehead. Because the words “bar code” aren’t purple enough or something.

  37. TacoMagic says:

    Specs, poking his head in: ONEONEONEONEONE!!!

    HEY! GET OUTTA, YOU KID!

    *Dumps his coffee-soaked keyboard into the trashcan and pulls another out of the drawer*

    Well played.

  38. TacoMagic says:

    the Winds of Balance

    I get those every time we have bacon and cheese omelets.

  39. TacoMagic says:

    So, the short version of High Frequency Blades is that they’re swords which vibrate at, well, a high frequency, and are heated up just enough to avoid melting the blade, which supposedly allows them to cut way better than a normal sword already does.

    They basically thought “We love the Vibro-Weapons from Star Wars but don’t want to get sued when we rip them off; so we made a new name! And they have electricity so they’re totes different!”

    Although, original Vibro-Weapons were designed to be effective against soft tissues and not something that could cut through any material. The, dubious, idea being that the ultra-high-frequency vibrations would heat the tissue on contact, doing extreme damage. It’s a neat idea, and superficially logical, but ultimately not really how things work.

    So, amazingly, Metal Gear managed to be even more bullshit than Star Wars.

    *Slow clap*

  40. "Lyle" says:

    Sometimes i wish my dad would get his own drink. I agree with my mother saying he should get his own drink.

    He has MS i forgot to mention.

    Heaven forbid you help you father get something to drink when he’s afflicted with a painful and debilitating disease. Fuck you, Bailey. I hope your brain gets harvested by the Kingpin-look-alike.

  41. "Lyle" says:

    After i am finished i ask Cass “Hey Cass you ever wondered what to do once your married?” “Yes Bailey. Me and Dallas are fiancees.” Cass said. Yes Dallas purpose to my sister a while back. Dallas is a great boy who i called bro-in-law. His family was so perfect and his little brother Miguel is in Cooking Class as a Senior. Cass graduated Last year.
    Today is 2/12/16 February 12th 2016.

  42. "Lyle" says:

    Man, Lyle’s gonna pitch a fit when she sees what happened in here…

    *walks in, looks at the destruction, sighs deeply, takes a swig of coffee, and walks back out again, resigned in the knowledge that her building will forever be in a state of re-construction*

  43. "Lyle" says:

    You’re just walking along, suddenly fuckin’ Sundowner jumps out at you all like, “SHAZAM MOTHERFUCKER!”? I’d shit myself so fast.

    *wipes tea off her monitor*

  44. "Lyle" says:

    Doc: I can’t even remember the last time I met a guy named Bailey. Probably because I never have.

    According to my time in vet med, every cocker spaniel in existence is named Bailey, so I’ve been picturing him as a dog this entire time.


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