1548: Normandy High 2: Cryogenic Boogaloo – Chapter FivePosted: September 29, 2016
Title: Subject 23: Cryonics
Author: The Eezoman
Media: Video Games
Topic: Mass Effect
URL: Subject 23: Cryonics: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello folks, and welcome back to Subject 23: Cryonics! It’s time for more stupid with the world’s most epic Gary Stu!
And what will happen this time? Well, hopefully we’ll finally break this stupid fucking “can’t spit it out” bullshit that has been a hallmark of both these fics, right?
Let’s find out, shall we?
We start our next chapter with this:
Alicia sprinted off the elevator, nearly running into the door to her room. The sudden turn of events involving Garrus and her was quite unexpected, and her cabin wasn’t the cleanest room on the ship. Firmly aware she had less than five minutes, she sprinted to the lower, more comfortable part of her cabin, throwing the bed sheets into a more organized heap.
Whoah, lady, calm down: we already got our quota of poorly-written sex scenes last week when Sonya Blade fucked a man in front of her daughter and told her “hey, you’re next”.
Yes, I’m still reeling from that. Literally, what the fuck was wrong with that scene? You know, apart from “EVERYTHING”.
Next, she ran around the room, arraigning the wine glasses in a way that looked a little more relaxing.
And how the hell do you expect them to do that when you’ve just charged them with… with…
What would you charge wine glasses with, anyway?
It would have been obvious to anyone watching her that she was a tad nervous.
–Pull yourself together girl. He’s interested, so you’ve already won the battle. Now you just need to relax and do your thing–
She stopped for a moment, realizing her mind had made her sound a little easier than she was. Her attention was caught on the gun parts and modification tools on her desk. Alicia cursed herself when she heard the door open, the slight hiss warning her. Turning, she saw him.
–Well….there goes the “relaxing” attitude–
Commander Alicia Shepard, ladies and gentlemen: worrying more about the state of her room that she’s about to fuck a turian in than on the actual Collectors conflict.
*resists temptation to buzz this*
Anyway, we get a line break, and we cut to…
-Eight minutes earlier-
–Maybe the blue? No, I’m always wearing blue. Maybe she’ll find that comforting. Like a big, plated Turian pillow….That sounds stupid. I sound stupid–
Don’t worry, Garrus: considering you’re in this fic, you’re not alone. Everyone sounds stupid at some point in this stupid story!
The usually orderly forward battery was littered with clothes of different colors and shapes. Garrus stood nearly naked in the middle, his mind preoccupied with how to present himself to Shepard.
–Maybe I’ll just go like this. She certainly seems to like the forward approach….no. The crew would have a fit, and the last of the military discipline would vanish like love from a vorcha–
You say that as if there was ever any variety of military discipline on this version of the Normandy, Garrus.
He picked up a dark black outfit, the sleeves shorter than a normal officer shirt.
–Haven’t worn this since Palaven–
He eyed the black material, the smooth cloth slipping between his talons.
–To hell with it. If everything goes to plan, I won’t be wearing it for very long–
And of course it’ll go according to plan, because it’s this terrible fucking fanfic, and oh God why am I asking for you guys to get to the lemon already just get to the fucking sex you fucking snails!
He slipped the shirt over his head, minding his fringe. After adjusting the strong material to contour to his plates, he turned, heading to Shepard’s cabin.
–Just remember. Savor that last shot before popping the heat sink, you’ve got reach, she’s got flexibility, and don’t use the talons when finishing–
He clicked his mandibles, stepping into the elevator.
This was either going to be a total success, or a crash worse than the Kara.
Knowing this fic, it’ll be the latter.
Anyway, we then cut back to the present, where…
They looked at each other from opposite sides of the room. There was a tension, but it wasn’t unpleasant. Garrus spoke first.
Alicia started walking up to him, and nearly tripped on the stairs. Things were awkward.
Believe me, honey, their position is grace itself compared to the awkwardness of being a man reading this crap!
“Garrus. You look…Good.”
She wasn’t lying. The black material laid over his plates perfectly, outlining his muscle as well. To Alicia, it was damn sexy.
And to the rest of us, that doesn’t mean anything, because what the fuck muscle is it outlining when he literally looks like a spindly tree with a ring around his neck?
She stepped up to him, hoping to initiate something.
“You look pretty good yourself, Shepard. I like what you did with your hair.”
Alicia stopped, and ran a hand through her hair. In her mad dash, she had lost the settled look, and instead, had an appearance that she had been standing in the wind.
She raised an eyebrow to his now visible smirk.
“Very funny, Vakarian.”
Ah, yes. The old “let’s mock your hair” bullshit. Very funny. Ha ha. Ha. Ha ha ha.
He stepped towards her, the distance now closed. Placing a hand on her waist, he pulled her closer to her. Alicia’s eyes widened at the move.
“I thought so. One of us has to bring the humor, Shepard. This place wouldn’t hold itself up without it.”
It can when it’s good humor. It may be better than the constant “quips” of Parallel Realities, but that’s like saying that Trump is only slightly less electable than Hitler.
Smiling at the Turian, Alicia raised her hand, rubbing his mandible, and working his way behind his head.
“Maybe. But sometimes I think you forget who’s in charge.”
Hey, can you blame him? You’ve been such a shitty leader that he’s probably constantly forgotten who’s in charge!
“Maybe you’ll need to remind me.”
His voice dripped with a seduction she couldn’t quite avoid. She felt her breath get heavy in her throat. Raising her hand further, she reached the back of his fringe, running her fingers hard against the plate. Garrus’s eyes went wide, unnoticed by Shepard.
“I think I’m lookin-“
See? You got right to the fucking before anything else. See, you had nothing to worry about. You know, except looking like an idiot. Which is exactly what you did.
Anyway, I’m going to skip most of what happens next, because it’s basically Garrus and Alicia sort of having all their foreplay stuff. Sometimes they’re like “Garrus is too rough”, but nothing is really made of it because they enjoy that sort of power play. Basically, think of it as a more watered-down version of the first Taren!Sue/Garrus sex scene in When You’re Strange, only if it had been the Taren who you wanted to punch in the face instead of the Taren that had yet to do all that stupid shit.
Anyway, they all have that foreplay, and then we get a line break where we cut to…
“I think I’ll have a scar.”
Shepard rolled over, wrapping her arm around Garrus’s torso. He placed his arm around her neck, careful of the injury. Even with her advanced healing, it still looked a little bloody.
“I’m sorry, Shepard. I couldn’t, well,…you’re…intense.”
She smiled seductively at him, sliding a finger up the creases between his plates. He gave a shiver.
“I don’t mind the bite, Garrus. Also it’s Alicia. No “Commander” or “Shepard” in the captains quarters.”
He was about to respond when she snuggled up closer to him, softly kissing his mandibles. It felt cool and relaxing against his skin.
At least they finally stopped beating around the damn bush and just did the nasty. It’s about time someone did that.
Hint hint, Subject 23!
“So tell me, Garrus…”
She whispered into his ear, barely loud enough to hear.
“How was your day?”
Really? You’re sitting there in post-coital bliss, and you have to ask him how good his day is?
Good God, I know that was probably rhetorical, but holy shit!
He turned to her, smirking pleasantly.
Is it even possible to smirk “pleasantly”? I thought smirks always looked smug by default…
“Pretty good, all things considered. I ravaged my stunning Commanding officer, and even got to discover how tasty humans are.”
He leaned in closer, his voice taking on a deathly whisper.
“Honestly, Alicia, it’s a wonder why Palaven hasn’t started importing human for meals.”
Probably because they were setting you up to make shitty jokes and all that jazz. Especially this one which was just dead on—
Shepard stared at Garrus, a laugh brewing in her lungs.
–Don’t do it. He’ll just keep making jokes. Bad jokes–
She lost the battle. Her splitting shrieks of laughter rang through the room. The pure ridiculousness of the situation and his serious attitude was perfect. After the waves had subsided, she threatened a glance back at Garrus.
No fucking shit, it’s bad jokes galore around here.
Ironically, that’s what I’m going to start producing if I don’t get something incredibly stupid to make fun of in this fic…
Anyway, they get more damn lovey-dovey, blah blah, and then we get a line break to…
The elevator began the slow climb to Shepard’s cabin. According to Joker, she’d been there the entire day. Tali didn’t kmow how to ask for permanent residence, but given Shepard’s willingness to help, she didn’t think it’d be a problem.
–I can’t imagine Shepard would throw me out after the mission. Might be better to ask, though–
Wait, hang on a minute.
Shepard, you sent 23 to do the mission with Tali, right? You made a deal about that, and Garrus, and blah blah. So 23 did the mission, and you didn’t fucking debrief him before you went off to fuck your love interest!?
*headdesks onto buzzer*
Shepard the Shitty Leader Count: 34
Jeez, I’m pretty sure even Donald Trump would take some time out of his day to look into something that wasn’t his bribing of an elected official!
Tali tried not to think about everything that had happened. The entire mission had been a giant weight on her shoulders, and it had almost broken her.
At least it didn’t break the narrative along with it. Right, InHarmsWay?
–If Cole hadn’t…he tried. He tried so hard to help. Maybe there wasn’t anything he could have done. Maybe it’s better this way–
She had never been a fan of fleet politics, but even thinking as such left her with an ashamed feeling. Instead, she tried to think about the positives.
–Father…At least I know he cared. That he loved me, and…and he was proud–
She felt the tears wet her eyes, and she swore at herself.
–Stop it! You are tougher than this–
Tali blinked hard, the tears disappearing. She wouldn’t let this affect her anymore.
Oh hey, Tali actually remembered what she’s actually like in the games. This, my friends, is nothing less than a minor miracle!
The door the cabin opened with a familiar hiss, and she stepped inside, spotting Shepard standing by her terminal. The sound of the airlock alerted the Commander, who gave a surprised look at the Quarian.
“Tali. Hey, I was coming down to meet you.”
She walked up, her voice full of care.
And what the fuck is that supposed to mean, Eezofuck? You feel like describing it in not so vague terms? Please? Or is that just a thing other writers do?
“I heard the mission didn’t end so well.”
And how, pray tell, could you have heard about the status of the mission if you were too busy fucking Garrus around the time they got back to pay attention? Or is this something that will never be explained?
Tali bought a gloved hand to her head, her sadness obvious.
“We…we tried everything Shepard. Did 23 tell you what happened?”
Shepard moved closer, glancing at the shower door for a second, then wrapping Tali in a soft hug.
“I just read his briefing. Want to talk about it?”
Again, when? There may have been some opportunity for Shepard to have read the briefing, but maybe it’d help if you, I dunno, established that? Readers aren’t stupid most of the time, but, um, we’re not that smart!
Tali nodded, moving her way over to the couch. Shepard opened her mouth, ready to suggest going somewhere more private, when she realized how stupid that would sound. She joined Tali, hoping Garrus wouldn’t get out of the shower for a bit.
And Garrus is still in the captain’s quarters. While I actually do get why he wouldn’t be too far away, I can’t help but feel this obvious set-up for an awkward moment is just waiting for someone to deconstruct it.
They sat at opposite ends, Tali on the couch, Shepard on the chair. Sitting down, Tali picked up what looked like a torn black shirt. She raised it at Alicia.
“Sorry, Tali. I uh…Rough night.”
Trust me, Tali, turian sex can be rough. But hey, she likes it, so—
Tali turned to the rest of the room, taking in the sight of the bed and clothes on the floor.
Shepard nodded quickly.
“Nightmares. About Akuze.”
Ooooooor, she’ll just pretend it never happened to the rest of the crew out of some misguided notion to hide their relationship because [Error: Reason Not Found]. Right.
Anyway, Tali tells Alicia that she is exiled, and asks Shepard if she can stay around. Shepard is like “girl, you ask that like there was ever any doubt I would take you as a member of the ship”. So she’s like, blah blah, anything else you want to discuss? So Tali is like “sorry, but no fleet politics for right now”, and then Shepard asks:
“How was 23?”
Tali looked back at her, the sadness changing to…Shepard couldn’t tell. Admiration? Embarrassment?
“He was…he did everything right.”
Yes, because threatening Zaal’Koris with violence can always be considered “right”.
Shepard leaned forward, intent on listening.
“When they challenged me, he didn’t have to step up. He wasn’t my captain. But when he did, he…I’ve never heard him speak like that. So full of passion, and a…a sense of right? I don’t know. He just kept telling them how good I was, and how they were making a mistake. No one has ever said anything like that about me. No one. It made me feel…”
She couldn’t continue. Alicia waited, but understood the pause. Tali hadn’t entirely figured this out for herself yet.
–Loved? Keelah, no. No, that…it wasn’t….he…–
Oh no, don’t tell me…
Tali’s voice came out like a whisper.
“How do you…have you felt love before?”
I thought you had resolved to tell each other how you felt! Really, Tali, do you need any extra confirmation?
Jesus, there’s a reason I waited until MV2 to start the ship tease between Tali and Art, you know! It was so this didn’t become annoying later. Good fucking gilchrist!
Shepard smiled, her head rising. Tali rephrased the question.
“I..I mean, do you know how to realize love? I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know how to…”
It broke free, and Tali gave up with subtlety.
“Do I love him, Shepard? This feeling, this pull right here…”
Hey, the narration said it back in Chapter 12 of the previous fic after that stupid fucking rape business. Of course you do, and don’t even deny it.
She motioned to her heart.
“When he spoke to me…not to the Admirals, but to ME, I felt it. It was painful, and wonderful, and it ached but…I want to feel that again.”
She dropped her head into her hands.
“What do I do, Shepard?”
Well, first you go to buy condoms, then you drug his drink, and then you—
Wait, why the fuck does this manual have that in there? Who the fuck wrote this shit?
*tosses manual out the window*
Alicia stood up, crossing the couch. Sitting herself next to Tali, she placed a hand on her back soothingly.
“Tali, it’s normal to feel this way.”
Her silver eyes appeared from between her three fingers, staring at Shepard.
“Maybe for someone who’s used to it.”
“Not exactly. You need to confront this, Tali. If you feel this way about 23, you need to talk to him. Let him know, or hell, peak his interest. Otherwise, that feeling will only get more painful, and what makes it good will start to disappear. Regret does more damage than heartbreak.”
Wait… is Shepard actually making sense for once?
Tali stared at Shepard, her sliver eyes widening with understanding.
“I…but what if it doesn’t work out?”
“Then you move on.”
Tali wanted to scream. It couldn’t be that simple.
“That’s it? I pour my heart out to him, and if it doesn’t work, I just let go of that and move on?”
Alicia smiled at her.
“Not really. You don’t ever really move on. But it’s nice to think we can.”
Thank you, Shepard! Jesus fucking Gilchrist, someone finally said it!
And of all the times for her to make sense when she’s talking about something, it’s the romance side of things. Of course. What else was I expecting?
Tali leaned against the couch, the revelations starting to tire her out. They sat in silence until her accented whisper broke the calm.
“Do you think he loves me?”
What the readers are saying to themselves, after the relentless ship tease and the massive chickification of Tali:
Shepard thought for a while, contemplating her words.
“He chose you over Miranda. He chose love over hate.”
She sat back from Tali, and looked her square in the eyes.
You know, I’m not even in the mood to bitch about how the narrative allowed 23 to have his cake and eat it to, so you know what? I’m just gonna move on and let Ert do it.
“I can’t tell you what he feels. He’s a mystery, but…if it helps….he’s a good man. You’ve got good instincts.”
You know, apart from the homicidal tendencies.
Tali sat up from the couch, staring off into space.
“I…Thank you, Shepard. I need to think about this…about him.”
Woman, Shepard literally just gave you the equivalent of this talk:
And even after that talk, you’re still saying “I need to think about this”? Really? Really!?
Everyone in this story is a fucking idiot. I just… every single person is an idiot in this world.
Alicia stood, patting the Quarian on the back.
They walked to the door together, Shepard making her way to the work station.
“Tali, by the way, we’re headed to Ilium next. We have to get back on track with the mission.”
Yes, you have to get back on track with the mission. You know, the mission that you are now in no position to continue because you cut yourself off from the only source of funding you had and are currently futzing about without even trying to secure any kind of funding. Come to think of it, how are you going to recruit Thane and Samara with no paycheck? I mean, they don’t exactly need it, but you don’t know that just yet.
I could go on about that, but I’ll save the end of that rant for later.
She turned to walk out, when something popped into her head.
“How did Garrus do with HIS mission? Did he catch his target?”
Shepard glanced at the shower quickly. The sound of running water was gone.
“He, uh…worked out his problem. Took a little work, but I think we’ve gotten past it.
Yes, indeed, now can we just get the awkward part over with?
Well, Tali it’s late, and I think I shou-”
The door to the shower opened, and out walked the devil himself, wrapped in a white towel. Turning to Shepard, he started.
“I’m not a fan of water, Alicia, but I do have to say that shower was heaven-“
He glanced over, noticing Tali. His half naked form froze in place.
No one moved.
Shepard’s eyes moved from Garrus to Tali, to Garrus.
Tali broke the awkward silence.
“I see, Shepard. A little work.”
Yes, exactly. That.
And there’s no smirk? Come on, the one time Tali is warranted to smirk, and she doesn’t do it? What the fuck!?
Garrus opened his mouth to speak, when he was cut off by Shepard.
“Like I said Tali. You just need to talk to him, and things usually progress.”
The Quarian stifled a laugh, stepping out of the room.
“Have fun you two.”
Still not a smirk, Eezofuck. Come on now, you’ve been smirk-happy literally everywhere else, why aren’t you playing it here?
The door shut, answering all of Garrus’s prayers.
He turned and looked at Shepard, who was ready to have a laughing fit. He raised his head nonchalantly.
“The shower was still worth it.”
This chapter, however, was not.
Speaking of which, it finally ends, and we get this author’s note:
I didn’t include the sex scene because it was already pretty text heavy. Don’t worry, you’ll get some skin-on-skin action soon enough.
If I wanted to read a story for sex, I’d just read furry porn. I have a couple friends who could write a better sex scene than you probably ever could, knowing your track record with descriptions.
Anyways, the next chapter is going to be pretty special. Like, 23 is a fucking boss and Tali is perfectly wonderful special. REVIEW!
My review: I don’t care about either of these two fuckwits, so can you please stop with this bullshit?
Anyway, that’s another chapter of Subject 23’s saga. And I am starting to get so done with the fact that… well, honestly, it’s somehow not as offensively bad as its predecessor. It’s just boring, really, especially with all its talk about romance that frankly is just redundant given how much ship tease was in the first one. At this point, I just want this story to be over with, ‘cause I’m so done with it.
Anyway, I’ve been Herr Wozzeck. I’ll see you folks later!