1546: My Inner Life: Chapter 1 Part 2

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

WARNING! LINK STICKS HIS YOU KNOW WHAT IN JENNA’S LADY PARTS IN THIS CHAPTER!

Nora: Ert?

Ert: Pardon me. Not sure if I made the right career choice, feeling college was a waste of time, feeling like I can’t make much headway into my field of choice, starting to wish I had studied a field that I hated but it paid well, concerned I might be a failure in life. And on top of all of this Donald Trump might have an unhealthy amount of influence in my life for the next four years. You know. Just got some stuff on my mind.

Goeth: Why is he having a mid-life crisis when he’s not even twenty-three yet?

Ert: BECAUSE I PICKED A LOUSY TIME TO BE BORN! *Inhales* Go to your happy place, go to your happy place.

Nora: Er. Anyway, while Ert does that, let’s pick up where we left off. We learned that LQ was probably not using the homophobic version of queer, so we’re dropping that counter. Also, Ms. Sue traveled to Hyrule from the land of undeveloped, sold undeveloped to king undeveloped

I returned to the inside of my wagon and prepared a hot bath.

Goeth: A bath. In a wagon. See, we did some research and it turns out people did bathe regularly in the Middle Ages. But I seriously doubt this woman would be lugging around a tub with her.

Ert: Kind of telling that the story seems to glaze over how exactly she’s doing this.

I went to the mirror and brushed my hair while I waited for the water to heat up. After about five minuets the water was ready.

Ert: Just a gut feeling, but I feel like it would take longer than that. Clearly this is supposed to be some sort of tub, and if you used fire to heat it up, it’s going to take longer than five minutes. Also you should be watching the fire.

Nora: And what mirror?

As I slipped down into the warm water, it felt good against my sore muscles. I begun to relax and slowly let my thoughts drift.

Goeth: I don’t think she undressed.

Nora: Which is funny, because according to Ghosty, the average medieval peasant outfit absorbed a lot of water and very good at drowning people.

Link was the only thing on my mind. “He is sooo handsome.” I thought to myself. “That is the heroic man who became the “Legendary Hero of Time” and saved Hyrule from a life of darkness.”

Ert: Uh. Yes. This has been established. Do you need to reaffirm that you brushed your hair and took a bath too? Actually you might need to, otherwise you’ll just take the bath with all your clothes on.

Nora: Good thing she does have her clothes on, otherwise I’d think she was about to masturbate.

Though something tugged at the back of my mind. I remembered that I had wanted to marry one day.

Ert: *Sigh* Of course you did.

And Link would be a good choice since he was my age, strong, smart, and handsome and would help make strong beautiful children.

Nora: In order. So? You don’t know that. You don’t know that. That’s your hormones talking. That’s the same as being handsome with an unpleasant eugenics subtext. In short, she wants to bone Link and just assumed a bunch of stuff about him.

Yes indeed Link would make a good husband.

Ert: A good fuck buddy-I mean husband.

Then I took the soap and washed up.

Goeth: Ten bucks says LQ envisioned modern soap when writing this.

After I washed I got out of the tub and dried off. I went to the wardrobe closet to pick out a dress for this evening’s occasion. After some rummaging, I picked a low v cut white dress with lace that held the v together. Gold embroidered Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress.

Ert: YOU THOUGHT THE TRIFORCE WAS A FAIRY TALE! Why the fuck do you have a dress with a symbol from a fairy tale on it!? It’d be like if I had a formal suit with the Three Little Pigs on it!

And the sleeves started from mid arm and ran all the way down my arm to my wrist. Next I picked a gold choker with the Triforce symbol for around my neck. And a gold Triforce ring for my finger.

Ert: Man, the three choice was a very good one. Because for someone who didn’t think the Triforce existed, she sure has a lot of Triforce related bling lying around,

Then I had to do my hair. I braided my hair into a halo braid and ran a beautiful silver lace through it. After that I went to the full-length mirror to look at myself. As I looked myself over, a knock came at the door.

Nora: *Dry heaves* Wardrobe porn. The only worse kind of porn is velociraptor porn.

Goeth: Don’t mention that around Crunchy, it’s a sore spot for him.

“Come!” I yelled. Appearing in the doorway was the man I had set my eyes on. His eyes grew big, as he looked me over. “You look beautiful tonight.” Link said as he took my hand and kissed it.

Nora: Only tonight though. Yesterday you were about as attractive as a horse’s ass.

Then he led me out the door. There were two horses in front saddled for riding. One was a rust colored mare with a white main and tail with a black mussel. The other was one of my brown mares with a black main and tail.

Goeth: So Link is most likely going to get his hand cut off. Barring that, he’ll either lose an ear, or be sentenced to flogging. Horses are very valuable, and it sounds like he took Jenna’s horse without permission.

Ert: It’s the Middle Ages. Laws don’t apply to the people in power, or their friends.

Nora: How is that unique to the Middle Ages?

Ert: Touche.

The one he had gotten was the one with the white star on her forehead. The one whom I named “Star Dancer.”

Ert: UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He led me to my mare and helped me into the saddle. Then he mounted the other horse.

Nora: Whoa, easy there Khal Drogo. Buy it a drink first.

Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow in the moonlight. “Follow me, I will lead the way.” Then he booted the horse in the legs

Ert: I know nothing about riding horses and that made me want to punch Link in the face.

and took off at a slow gallop. I then followed. We rode to the south side of Hyrule field and came upon a long dark tunnel. “This way!” Link called. “Through here!” I watched as Link disappeared into the tunnel. Then I followed. At the other end we crossed a bridge and then into what seemed to be a village.

Little people wearing green clothes that looked like kids started to surround us when we stopped. “This is the Kokiri Village.” “The place where I was raised.”

Ert: I see the author left out the part where Epona freaks the hell out if you try and take her into Kokiri Village. And they took a rather streamlined trip across Hyrule Field. No mentioning of passing by Lon Lon Ranch?

Goeth: Forget that, think about the sheer time it would’ve taken. Even if we accept that Hyrule is a pathetically small Kingdom consisting of a castle, two towns, and a ranch, (It’s more of a fiefdom than a kingdom) this journey would’ve taken some time. On foot, going from Kokiri Village to Hyrule castle is a day long journey in game. The first time you do it, you probably won’t finish it until nightfall. So we can say that the journey on foot takes twelve hours. Horses would make the trip much easier, but it’d still take a couple of hours. Particularly sense you can’t have a horse going at top speed the whole way.

Nora: So Link essentially dragged Jenna on a several hour long trip on an impulse, without telling her where they were going, in the middle of the night. This is a special kind of dumb.

Link said as he dismounted. After I dismounted one of the kid like Kokiri took our horses to tend to them.

Goeth: They’re not childlike. They are children. Kokiri are essentially the Lost Boys from Peter Pan. Minus the horrific elements the books had about Peter killing some of them to maintain his status at the top of the totem poll.

Ert: Christ, kid’s stories were fucked up back in the day. The Dwarves actually killed the Queen in Snow White by making her dance in red hot shoes.

As I walked around the village the child like people began watching me. They all seemed very curious to who I was.

Nora: Well is that really that surprising? No one really visits Kokiri Village, aside Link and one deeply depressed guy. Presumably because there’s not much to be gained from trading with a village of pre-teens…I think. They do sell arrows in the shop despite no one having a bow.

As I looked around at them I noticed that they had something floating around them. As I took a closer look I noticed that they looked like fairies from the fairy tales told to us in our village as kids. “Were these really fairies from the stories I heard as a child?”

Ert: Lady, for someone who travels the world, you seem pretty ignorant to its ways. The Triforce isn’t real, fairies aren’t real, fucking Hell. That goes beyond being stupid, it doesn’t make any sense. Why would fairies be indigenous to Hyrule? They pop up in nearly every game, regardless of how far Link has traveled.

I thought to myself. Just then one of the Kokiri, a young girl approached me. “My name is Saria, what’s yours?” The young girl asked. “My name is Jenna, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” I replied. “Are you the one that came with my friend Link for our Spring Night Festival?” Saria’s eyes seemed to glow at that moment. “Yes he invited me.” I said as a smile crossed the Kokiri girl’s face.

Ert: Oh hai Saria. I could’ve sworn that you having to leave forever to be the Sage of Forest was kind of a big deal in game. None of that though. Happy happy fun times for all.

Goeth: This dialogue feels rather stilted. I locked the door to the robotics lab didn’t I? I don’t need more infiltrators getting out, there’s still a lot of troubleshooting I need to do.

I could tell that she knew I had my eyes set on Link, though she remained silent about it.

Nora: Very perceptive for someone who has the mind of a twelve year old.

There were male Kokiri as well.

Ert:….No doy.

One in particular was one named Mido. He was the leader of the Kokiri and a dear friend of Saria and Link. He had a sense of humor but he yet remained stern and headstrong for he was their leader and was responsible for their lives.

Ert: Yeah he’s all that and a bag of chips. But to me, he’ll always be that dick at the start of the game that won’t let you into the first dungeon until you get a sword and shield. Made me want to smack him in the head with my shield when I got it.

It was time for the feast, Saria gestured for me to join them at the feast table. She led me to the seat next to Link. As I sat down next to him she smiled and winked at me.

Nora: A feast that’s probably going to consist heavily of fruits, nuts, and anything else that was growing nearby. The Kokiri never struck me as the agricultural type.

“Did she plan this?” I asked myself, and then smiled. After a moment I looked over all of the food. There was a great abundance of food to eat. There was cooked pork in a rich chestnut cream sauce, beef stew, cooked turkey, all different kinds of cheeses, bread and butter, cooked vegetables and even many different kinds of fruit.

Nora: Yeah…yeah no.

Ert: They’re KIDS! Kids that live in hollowed out trees! They need fairies to babysit them! Where the fuck did they get pork and turkey!? Where do they grow the wheat for bread? Where are the cows that they got the cheese from? And if they imported all of this stuff, where did they get the money for it? Selling fucking Deku nuts and sticks?

My mouth began to water as I combed over the food. After I served myself, I began to eat. As I was eating I could not help but notice that Link was watching me out of the corner of his eye.

I could feel his stare. Though it was pleasant. Then our eyes met and a smile crossed his face. As I stared into his eyes they seemed to glow under the light of the moon.

Goeth: I didn’t realize that Link was part cat.

Ert: I think the biggest sin this story commits is one I’ve seen quite often around here. When it’s not being stupid, it’s being the worst thing a story can be aside from downright offensive and hateful. It’s. BORING!

He even looked more handsome in the moonlight. And I told myself that I would be crazy to pass up a man like this. After everyone finished eating,

Nora: That was fast. I mean they are kids, they don’t need to eat as much, but that just makes the fact that they went all out even stupider.

all of the Kokiri got up and started to dance. Some of the Kokiri even played instruments. As the music drifted in the air Link took my hand in his. “Would you care to dance?” I looked at him and smiled. “Yes, I’d love to.”

Ert: You know, I think this might be a record for the library. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a couple get slapped together so quickly. I could be wrong, we’ve covered a lot of stories and I don’t get around to reading all of them, but this is certainly up there. It doesn’t compete with anything I’ve reviewed, that’s for damn sure. And I reviewed From Another World.

He led me to where everyone else was and we started to dance. We danced and drank long into the night.

Nora: Drank. Drank. In the village filled with CHILDREN! Do we need to start a counter for impossible possessions?

And to show my appreciation I even did a solo dance. Then after I did my dance I went to sit down and rest. I was tired. Link came and sat down beside me. “You look real tired.” “Are you ready to retire.” Link said as he put his hand on my shoulder. I nodded yes and tried to get up and walk. But I was so tired and had too much to drink that I stumbled.

Ert: So any decisions that happen are going to be made while Jenna is heavily intoxicated. To the point where she cannot walk and is most likely legally drunk. This is so romantic.

Nora: I can get on board with being legally drunk right now.

Catching me in his arms, Link led me back to where I was sitting. “I think it would be wise if you stay here tonight.” ” I have plenty of room

Goeth: I guess she can sleep on the tree stump in the middle.

Nora: Again, these decisions are being made while Jenna is drunk.

and I can escort you back to the castle in the morning.” Link looked at me with a worried look and I decided to stay. And that is how we spent every night together, even up to the night when I finally shared his bed.

Ert: Wait, did multiple days go by?

Nora: Fuck if I know. I guess she just kinda dropped everything to stay with Link. Even though he said he’d take her back to the castle tomorrow.

I started to know within side myself that Link was the one I wanted to be with. Even more so on the night when I shared myself with him……

Goeth: Within her side? Hold on let me take a look of that…yup. Yup, it’s a tumor.

It was a warm spring night and night had just arrived. Link and I were sharing the quiet sounds of the night together. I had been seeing Link for a little more then a month.

Ert: Yeah, we’re in the first chapter still and all of a sudden a month has passed. It’s a shame (Or a relief, depending on how you look at it) that LQ couldn’t spend as much time on the story as she did her FUCKING AUTHOR’S NOTES!

Nora: This technically makes the relationship is not rushed. Even though it totally is rushed.

The Spring Festival had come and gone and the warm weather was finally returning. All signs of winter were almost gone and my time in Hyrule was about to end for this year. In two weeks I would be leaving for the city of Tar Vera. Knowing this made me sad to go since I did not want to leave Link.

Goeth: Shocking news. A festival does not last a month and spring comes with the spring festival. Truly it is a deep and profound culture.

Nora: Yeah, they’re regular Fremen.

Ert: I don’t think a merchant can spend a month lazing around, doing fuck all.

I had finally found someone that I truly loved and I would have to leave him behind when it was time to leave. Even Link was not happy after I told him that I would be leaving soon.

Nora: The even implies that it should surprise us, as if we were expecting something else. Granted we were, because he shouldn’t be in love with her, but it conflicts with the tone of the story.

When I told him his face went from happy to a depressed one. He wanted to be with me and he wanted me to stay in Hyrule with him. But I was going to spend every last minute I had left with him enjoying it. We had remained quiet for quite some time, then it was Link who broke the silence. “Jenna…….. it has been a wonderful almost two months with you…….”

Ert: TWO MONTHS!? Was there another time skip somewhere in this paragraph? Good Lord, someone get the Doctor on the phone, time is inverting on itself.

I watched him as he stuttered to find his words. “Even as short as it was‚ I really enjoyed the time I’ve spent with you.” “I wish you did not have to leave.” “I do not think I will ever find another quite like you.”

Nora: Look in the romance section on fanfiction.net Link. People like her are a dime a dozen. And the value of the dime is being inflated.

Link said as a look of sadness appeared in his eyes. At that moment I was on the verge of tears. I was in love with him. I leaned over and softly placed my lips on his and kissed him tenderly. Then he looked deeply into my eyes and told me he loved me. With those words I began to cry. I had never felt this way before. Like the way he makes me feel when I’m with him.

Ert: Jesus. Link’s declaration of love…was summarized. Not even EP did that. Granted EP’s stories are still worse because of how sexist, homophobic, creepy, and obsessed with absolute monarchies they are, but this is still unexplored territory. Anyway, you know what it’s time for?

Nora: BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES!

He gently took his hand and wiped away my tears. Then he put his hand underneath my chin and slowly lifted my head up until our eyes met. With his hand,

Ert: An essential part of doing the nasty.

he drew my face close to his, gently placed his lips on mine and kissed me softly. At that moment I took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. As our tongues met I started to feel his hands caressing my body. As he gently caressed my body,

Nora: Heads up, the DRD do porn scenes too. The PDRDP subdivision.

Goeth: They’re all wearing fish-net stockings.

Ert: I need to ask Taco for a pay raise.

I let out small moans into his mouth. Then he moved his lips to my neck, placing sweet nibbles on it as his hands trickled up my back to the clasp of my dress.

Nora: Has she been wearing this dress for two months? Either way, it doesn’t seem fitting for a forest.

Little by little he slowly started to remove my dress and I felt my body quivering under the gentle caressing of his broad hands

Ert: You know, Link is many things, but I never considered him to be broad. Hell, he always came off as being rather on the skinny side. What with all the gymnastics he does.

as he pulled the dress down off my legs and tossed it aside. Slowly he moved back to my lips and kissed me forcefully, his tongue begun probing my mouth. My tongue slowly met his, causing it to intertwine with his, tasting the sweetness of him. Then we broke off the kiss and I looked into his dark blue eyes as I reached up to remove the belt from around his waist.

Ert: Look, if I wanted to watch/read porn, I could find much better porn with a few clicks.

Nora: Not just more well structured, but with a lot more interesting stuff going on.

Slowly I pulled off his belt letting it fall to the ground, then I slipped my hands under his tunic and swiftly removed it as his lips went to my breasts.

Goeth: She put her hands into his tunic while he was doubled over. That sounds awkward.

As his lips and tongue teased the nipples of my breasts, I felt new feelings swarm threw my body.

Nora: That’s called “Sexual arousal” dear.

My back arched and groans of pure pleasure escaped past my lips. Never had I felt such feelings before. Never had my body ever felt such pleasure

Nora: Never masturbated before honey?

Ert: How can she? She takes her baths fully clothed.

Then Link slowly moved his lips down my body till he reached my navel. When he kissed it a giggle passed my lips. Then he looked up and we looked into each other’s eyes as I reached up to his chest and placed my hands on the lace that held the collar together of his white under shirt. His body started quivering as my hands worked across his chest while I removed his white undergarments. Then I yanked it off, exposing his beautiful heavenly naked body. A body of pure heaven.

Goeth: Pure heaven? Let me have a look at that. *Slice* Nope, this arm is normal. Bones, muscles, ligaments, nothing out of the ordinary. Ah well. Someone give this back.

Ert: It’s really hard to pick apart this scene because of how stale and by the numbers it is. They kiss, then take some clothes off, then take more clothes off. I will say that, once again, Jenna’s positioning is rather wonky. Link was down by her navel and somehow she’s reaching his chest?

Our lips met again as he gently pushed me down onto his bed, climbing on top of me.

Nora: Missionary. How original.

I begun to feel his heart beating in his chest as his lips moved back to the nipples on my breasts. Soft moans of pleasure passed my lips as he nibbled gently on my nipples causing them to become erect. As he teased my nipples with his lips and tongue,

Nora: He licked her nipples and then he licked them some more. And they were only now hard. I would think that after all of the foreplay, they would’ve gotten a little harder before then.

Goeth: Relayed reaction possibly. This woman’s nervous system does seem to be stunted.

I felt his handwork its way down my body. First to my thighs, then between my legs.

Ert: He worked his way DOWN her body…and he went from her thighs to her vagina. Uh. Did LQ flip the body of her self insert?

He gently brushed his hand across the lips of my mound and I groaned to tell him to continue. Slowly his fingers probed around the inside of my flower, sending strange new pleasurable feelings cursing threw my body.

Nora: *Snort* Her flower. That’s hilarious.

Goeth: When does it pollinate?

Ert: I hate you two right now.

I moaned louder as his fingers caressed the inside of my mound, moving in a slow up and down motion. Then his fingers brushed against my clit,

Ert: Wait, LQ is allowed to actually say what naughty bits Link is touching? Without using purple prose? Then what was with that “flower” bullshit earlier?

Nora: Romantic.

and I screamed out as a pulse of pure ecstasy raced threw me. I grabbed his hand and pulled it closer, telling him that I wanted more. Taking the hint, he teased me, as his hand brushed across my clit every few strokes.

Nora: Says she wants more. He’s still only getting her warmed up. Link is a dick, and not the sexy kind.

My body shuddered under his touch as my soft moans turned into cries of pleasure and pure ecstasy.

Ert: I thought she was already crying, crying in “pure ecstasy” no less

As Link’s fingers teased and caressed my mound, his fingers moved down until they brushed over the entrance. Slowly Link inserted a finger, slipping it into the wetness probing me inside, causing animal like cries to pass my lips.

Nora: And Link’s boner retreated into his body.

Then I arced my back and screamed in pure ecstasy

Ert: AGAIN!?

as he begun to thrust his broad fingers deep inside my hot wetness.

Ert: WETNESS IS NOT A NOUN!

New feelings flooded threw my body

Nora: And these are different from the earlier new feelings in what way?

Goeth: They’re new.

rushing to my head like a sugar high, as his fingers pushed their way in and out of my sleek beautiful body.

Ert: So having sex is like having too much chocolate? Uh, I don’t think that’s how it works.

Nora: “My sleek beautiful body.” Because that’s not narcissistic at all.

(Mary Sue Counter: 6)

With each thrust, my legs shuddered sending momentary shocks to my lower organs.

Goeth: That’s not how anything works.

Then I arched my back, my body screaming in ecstasy as his movements became faster. I reached up and dug my nails into his muscular back as the eternal bliss raced through my every vein.

Ert: OW, OW, FUCK, FUCK, OW, FUCK! That’s more or less what Link should be thinking

I began feeling jolts of pure hot passion surging through my lower organs ,

Nora: The DRD are going to be working overtime on this one. They might not even have time to throw Herr in the shark tank. I mean she just keeps using the same terminology over and over again.

Ert: When she’s not just summarizing things.

through my bones as I felt myself starting to climax. My back arced again and I grunted in cat like sounds

Goeth: Even if you like cats, what kind of noise do they make that are appropriate to make while climaxing?

as he begun to thrust his fingers deeper, upping the movement. My hands felt his back become sweaty as I dug my nails in deeper.

Ert: LADY, YOU ARE BREAKING THE SKIN! I AM FUCKING BLEEDING!

Then my slender body twisted as I came to full climax, and I screamed in ecstasy

Nora: For the fourth time.

Ert: Should’ve saved it for when you literally blew your load, making it so that you didn’t figuratively blow your load.

as my warm juices gushed down his hand. Falling back painting, I looked into his eternal blue eyes. ” I want to make love to you.”

Ert: What do you call what we just did?

Goeth: Fucking.

Ert: Got me there.

I whispered to him as he ate my body with his hungry stare. “I’ve wanted to make love to you from the first day I met you.” Link said as his hungry lips returned to my beautiful neck.

Ert: One sec.

I whispered to him as he ate my body with his hungry stare. “I’ve wanted to fuck you from the first day I met you.”

Ert: Better

Nora: Much better.

Then I bucked my head back and cat like sounds escaped passed my lips as he pressed his hot body down against mine.

Goeth: Do I have to put together another counter?

Ert: If it happens again, yes. This is getting out of hand. It’s stupid, pretentious, and not the least bit sexy.

As I ran my nails down his sweaty back and I felt our hearts starting to beat faster as our bodies became hungry for each other.

Ert: Uh, hungry for each other? Just now? What’s been going on up until this point?

Goeth: Maybe they mean literally. It would make things more interesting, you have to admit.

Suddenly strange new feelings begun to surge through me

Nora: For the third time.

as our passions ignited. Then as he penetrated deep inside my sweaty body, the feeling rushed through me like a raging river, the feeling of………. feeling like a women.

Nora: *Punches Jenna in the face* That’s the feeling of being an asshole who says feeling like a woman means having sex.

Ert: And a woman wrote this…

Never had I felt this way before.

Ert: WE! FUCKING! KNOW!

I felt my body beginning to surge with strange new feelings as I let my virginity slip away.

Nora: Ok, that’s what, five strange knew feelings? Is this going to be a kinky version of Inside Out? Are we going to watch the whacky misadventures of arousal, impatience, excitement, ecstasy and stupidity?

As we made love I whispered in his ear that he made me feel like a women and to my surprise he said I made him feel like a man.

Ert: *Punches Link in the face* That’s for saying that feeling like a man is sticking your dick in someone.

Goeth: This whole thing just ignores me. How much longer does it go on for?

Nora: It’s almost over.

We made love long into the night.

Ert: Uh. LQ. You do know that men…don’t have as much stamina as women when it comes to this. Right? We need to…uh…recharge. Needless to say, you’re not going to be “making love” long into the night. Unless Link is taking frequent breaks and trips to the bathroom.

Nora: His ballsack is going to be shriveled up by the end of this.

For filing each other’s hot desires and fantasies.

Nora: Although Link’s asshole would never be the same again. They never found a way to get it out.

And I thought to myself that this was one thing I did not want to miss. I wanted to drink in every part of him. And after it was over I could not wait to feel him again.

Goeth: Drink him in? Ok, but it’s going to take awhile. Someone give me a bone saw and a blender. I’ll also need a bit of acid and a set of clothes no one will miss.

The next few days were depressing. Us knowing that I was leaving in less then two weeks made us depressed. The nights were spent mostly quiet except for the occasional sigh. I was beginning to think I’d never be this happy again. Link made me feel special.

Nora: Find another man to stick his dick in you, I promise you that you’ll be feeling all five of your strange new feelings in a nanosecond.

Ert: But she saw him first, so it special!

He made me feel like a women. And he was my first. “Do I really have to leave?” I asked myself. But then I remembered that the places I travel to every year were counting on me so I had to go. Love or not.

Goeth: Not!Paris and some other places. Who are relying on her for thing. Do you have any idea how short the supply of thing is? People’s lives are depending on it!

It was the day before I was leaving. I was at the market place for the last time for this year. I was at my stand selling what I had left

Nora: So whatever she had took two months to sell? Either she had an entire convoy with her, or she’s a terrible merchant.

Ert: I think we know which one it is.

when I saw Link enter the market and headed for where I was. As I watched him I wondered if this was going to be the last time I was ever going to see him.

Ert: Ask yourself a question. Are you going to be coming back to Hyrule next year? Oh, of course you are, because you said you always did it. And he’s not going anywhere. So cut the shit with the false drama.

Nora: I dunno Ert. Take out the false drama and all we’ll have left is bad porn.

I began to cry when he approached me.

Nora: Because woman.

Taking his hand he gently wiped away my tears and told me not to cry. He looked deeply into my brown eyes and told me he had something to tell me.

Goeth: Jenna needs to remind herself of her eye color.

Ert: The descriptions of Jenna, who is essentially LQ, are getting rather narcissistic. Heck, sometimes they’re getting uncomfortably close to self-cest of all things. I’m almost certainly overthinking that, but the basis is there.

Then he got down on one knee and produced a small gold box. He opened it to reveal a gold diamond ring inside.

Nora: So is it a gold ring or a diamond right? Or is it some sort of bizarre combination?

Goeth: Precious stones and metal don’t mix that well. This thing is not from this world.

With a loud gasp I clopped my hands over my mouth. Then he took my hand in his. “Will you marry me?” He asked with hope in his eyes as I started to cry again.

Ert: Reasons I want to marry you. 1. You’re a good fuck. That’s it, that’s all I got. And you’re pretty and complete me or something. So will you marry me Jenna…what’s your last name again?

“Oh my Goddesses……yes, yes I will!”

Ert: STOP! My Goddesses? As in Din, Nayru and Farore? The deities of the main religion of Hyrule? So let me get this straight. You worship those three, but you didn’t know the Triforce exists? When the Triforce is the EMBODIMENT of some of their power? Created when the three of them left the world they had created at the same spot? This isn’t even particularly deep lore, all of this was spelt out in Ocarina of Time early on. LQ should know this and so should Jeena. So what’s with the different religion bullshit?

Nora: Blue.

I said in between tears. He took my left hand and placed the ring on my finger. Then he got up, we embraced and started to kiss. Now I knew I did not have to leave. Hyrule was meant to be my home. We were destined to be together.

Goeth: Did her job only matter while she was single?

Ert: I guess the people in who cares will have to do without their shipments of thing. I mean it’s not like Link can GO WITH HER or anything. No no no. He needs to stay here so he can keep doing nothing.

Summer finally arrived and signs of spring were slowly fading. I was spending my days at Hyrule castle helping with the chores and making plans for my upcoming wedding. Link spent his days building a home in the Lost Woods for us to live in after we were married.

Nora: So Jenna essentially became a housewife. Now, if you want to be a housewife there’s nothing wrong with that, but watching a woman throw away her thriving career just to serve a man feels twelve kinds of wrong. Particularly when the man isn’t really doing anything to be the bread earner.

I was excited about our upcoming wedding. I was marring Link. I finally had the man I fell in love with. He was special to me. And he was building a home for us to live in. A home for us to raise our family in.

Goeth: I think this entire story is on repeat. Either that or the temporal distortions are getting worse.

Link told me he wanted to be a father and that most of all he wanted a son. We had talked about having children together. When I first started my traveling, I did not want children, but now that I was marring Link, I decided I wanted to have children with him.

Ert: Dear Lord, Jenna is turning into a real stereotypical 50s wife out of nowhere. Her whole existence revolves around being married and pumping out babies.

Nora: An accurate portrayal of a woman’s role in the Middle Ages? Certainly, but not really what this story was going for.

Having children by him would make them strong and beautiful, since Link was strong and beautiful himself.

Ert: Tell me more about how you want children with blonde hair and blue eyes.

Even my friendship with Princess Zelda and her father grew stronger when we told them about our engagement and that we were going to have children.

Nora: For some reason.

Since Zelda was not betrothed and had not yet wed, this was the closest thing to her being a mother and the King being a grandfather. Now that we were to wed my life was almost complete.

Ert: I can see Zelda being an honorary aunt, but this? This is pushing it.  I mean, they haven’t even CONCEIVED THE KID YET!  Counting their eggs before they hatch here.  And…that’s it. Well that was a whole lot of stupid. Sorry, we’re gonna have to call it here. Time was a little short his week, so we couldn’t get to the next chapter like I wanted. Pardon me, I need to go bury my face in a pillow and scream for an hour or two.

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91 Comments on “1546: My Inner Life: Chapter 1 Part 2”

  1. Delta XIII says:

    WARNING! LINK STICKS HIS YOU KNOW WHAT IN JENNA’S LADY PARTS IN THIS CHAPTER!

    By Diehard’s crotch! I’ve seen actual porn that didn’t get to the action this quickly!!!

  2. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: Kind of telling that the story seems to glaze over how exactly she’s doing this.

  3. Delta XIII says:

    Though something tugged at the back of my mind. I remembered that I had wanted to marry one day.

  4. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: Christ, kid’s stories were fucked up back in the day. The Dwarves actually killed the Queen in Snow White by making her dance in red hot shoes.

    Well, that’s gonna linger in my nightmares for a good while.

    • GhostCat says:

      Most fairy tales have very gruesome origins.

      The Little Mermaid? She does trade her voice for legs, but every step is like walking on knives. She doesn’t get the prince in the end because he winds up marrying someone else. The sea-witch tells the former mermaid that the only way to get her voice and fins back is to kill him before dawn – oh, and if she doesn’t do it she’ll dissolve into sea foam. She sneaks into his bedroom on his wedding night, but can’t bring herself to go through with it so she throws herself off a nearby cliff instead.

      You know – for kids!

  5. Delta XIII says:

    Nora: Drank. Drank. In the village filled with CHILDREN! Do we need to start a counter for impossible possessions?

    Nah, it’d probably break too quickly.

  6. Delta XIII says:

    Nora: I can get on board with being legally drunk right now.

    *surrounded by empty cans*
    Waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy ahead of you.

  7. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: TWO MONTHS!? Was there another time skip somewhere in this paragraph? Good Lord, someone get the Doctor on the phone, time is inverting on itself.

    https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS2f_ovSBfcN8V4ob_MS6aOY0FOFWy9DXhfCdHp10DuLAQpljv6ekkIi9QoHw

  8. Delta XIII says:

    Anyway, you know what it’s time for?

    Nora: BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES!

  9. Delta XIII says:

    Ert: I need to ask Taco for a pay raise.

    We get paid?

    Since when?!

  10. Delta XIII says:

    As his lips and tongue teased the nipples of my breasts

    As opposed to the nipples of your back?

  11. Delta XIII says:

    Goeth: I think this entire story is on repeat. Either that or the temporal distortions are getting worse.

    That, or LQ is some parallel Frank Miller.

  12. AdmiralSakai says:

    WARNING! LINK STICKS HIS YOU KNOW WHAT IN JENNA’S LADY PARTS IN THIS CHAPTER!


    Subtle as always, Ert.

  13. AdmiralSakai says:

    After I washed I got out of the tub and dried off. I went to the wardrobe closet to pick out a dress for this evening’s occasion. After some rummaging, I picked a low v cut white dress with lace that held the v together. Gold embroidered Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress.
    And the sleeves started from mid arm and ran all the way down my arm to my wrist. Next I picked a gold choker with the Triforce symbol for around my neck. And a gold Triforce ring for my finger.
    Then I had to do my hair. I braided my hair into a halo braid and ran a beautiful silver lace through it. After that I went to the full-length mirror to look at myself. As I looked myself over, a knock came at the door.

    Oh my god, it’s like a photonegative My Immortal!

  14. “Come!” I yelled.

    SNERK

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    Nora: Very perceptive for someone who has the mind of a twelve year old.

    Who, Saria or the Sue?

  16. It was a warm spring night and night had just arrived. Link and I were sharing the quiet sounds of the night together. I had been seeing Link for a little more then a month.
    The Spring Festival had come and gone and the warm weather was finally returning. All signs of winter were almost gone and my time in Hyrule was about to end for this year. In two weeks I would be leaving for the city of Tar Vera. Knowing this made me sad to go since I did not want to leave Link.

    I had finally found someone that I truly loved and I would have to leave him behind when it was time to leave. Even Link was not happy after I told him that I would be leaving soon.

    When I told him his face went from happy to a depressed one. He wanted to be with me and he wanted me to stay in Hyrule with him. But I was going to spend every last minute I had left with him enjoying it. We had remained quiet for quite some time, then it was Link who broke the silence. “Jenna…….. it has been a wonderful almost two months with you…….”

    I watched him as he stuttered to find his words. “Even as short as it was‚ I really enjoyed the time I’ve spent with you.” “I wish you did not have to leave.” “I do not think I will ever find another quite like you.”

    Link said as a look of sadness appeared in his eyes. At that moment I was on the verge of tears. I was in love with him. I leaned over and softly placed my lips on his and kissed him tenderly. Then he looked deeply into my eyes and told me he loved me. With those words I began to cry. I had never felt this way before. Like the way he makes me feel when I’m with him.

    OH FOR DAGON’S SAKE JUST FUCK ALREADY!!!!!

    • I let out small moans into his mouth.

      No.

      Slowly he moved back to my lips and kissed me forcefully, his tongue begun probing my mouth. My tongue slowly met his, causing it to intertwine with his, tasting the sweetness of him.

      Wait.

      I felt new feelings swarm threw my body.

      Forget I said anything.

      He gently brushed his hand across the lips of my mound and I groaned to tell him to continue. Slowly his fingers probed around the inside of my flower, sending strange new pleasurable feelings cursing threw my body.

      FALL BACK! FALL BACK!!

  17. BatJamags says:

    “That is the heroic man who became the “Legendary Hero of Time” and saved Hyrule from a life of darkness.”

    That is not how you quoteception.

    “When you put put quotes in your quotes,” BatJamags began,

    GoodJamags: Yo dawg…

    “Shut up. Anyway, when you put quotes in your quotes, ‘this’ is how you do it — with single-quotes.”

  18. BatJamags says:

    And Link would be a good choice since he was my age, strong, smart, and handsome and would help make strong beautiful children.

    Hm.

    My Age: Not really. He’s a literal man-child, but I’ll ignore that for my own sanity. Adult link is still around 17, whereas I’m pretty certain Jenna is in her early 20s.

    Strong: This is a reasonable assumption, but you don’t really know it’s true.

    Smart: You have no way of knowing this. You can kind of tell how sharp someone is from a brief interaction, but you can’t exactly say whether they’re especially smart without talking to them a bit more.

    Handsome: If you say so.

    Would help make strong beautiful children: Uh, no. It doesn’t work that way.

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    the nipples of my breasts

    As opposed to…. what, exactly? The nipples of her forearms?

  20. BatJamags says:

    Ert: YOU THOUGH THE TRIFORCE WAS A FAIRY TALE! Why the fuck do you have a dress with a symbol from a fairy tale on it!? It’d be like if I had a formal suit with the Three Little Pigs on it!

    And it’s the symbol of Hyrule’s royal family. That would be like some random American business owner running around with the British Royal Crest on their clothing. I mean, I guess you could put it on there, but it would raise some eyebrows.

  21. BatJamags says:

    “Come!” I yelled.

    Bow chicka bow wow.

  22. BatJamags says:

    The one he had gotten was the one with the white star on her forehead. The one whom I named “Star Dancer.”

    Oh, I forgot: even the horses are Sues here.

  23. AdmiralSakai says:

    OW, OW, FUCK, FUCK, OW, FUCK!

    Otherwise known as the top-level outline of My Inner Life.

  24. BatJamags says:

    After I dismounted one of the kid like Kokiri

    AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

    took our horses to tend to them.

    Oh, OK. Commas, author!

  25. AdmiralSakai says:

    For filing each other’s hot desires and fantasies.

    Umm, let’s see here… BDSM is listed as a Class II fetish in its own right, but I do you think we should also include a cross-reference to narratophilia and erotic humiliation, making it a Level 3 hierarchical category in Section B?

  26. BatJamags says:

    They pop up in nearly every game, regardless of how far Link has traveled

    But EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRTTTTTTTT, the other games didn’t HAPPEN!

    But seriously though. It’s almost as if she’s a self insert with no clearly-defined backstory who is meant pretty much just to have sex with Link.

  27. GhostCat says:

    Goeth: A bath. In a wagon. See, we did some research and it turns out people did bathe regularly in the Middle Ages. But I seriously doubt this woman would be lugging around a tub with her.

    Not a bathtub like we know it, but it would be something similar to a small child’s wading pool (possibly made from a cut-down barrel) that would be used as a combination bathtub/washtub/dishtub. When it wasn’t in use for its intended purposes, it would likely serve as a storage container to save space.

  28. GhostCat says:

    I went to the mirror and brushed my hair while I waited for the water to heat up. After about five minuets the water was ready.

    …Did she set her wagon on fire just so she could take a bath?

  29. BatJamags says:

    Nora: Drank. Drank. In the village filled with CHILDREN! Do we need to start a counter for impossible possessions?

    In France, kids start drinking wine from a pretty early age, and Germany is pretty similar with beer. I’m assuming this would’ve been basically the same in the middle ages.

    Now, as for where they got the PCC-Brand Generic Alcoholic Substance ™, I can’t help you.

    • GhostCat says:

      Given that the majority of the water was toxic – most rivers served as both an open sewer and the municipal water supply – it was much safer to drink weak wine, small beer, or hard cider. They tended to have much lower alcohol content than we’re used to.

  30. BatJamags says:

    And to show my appreciation I even did a solo dance. Then after I did my dance I went to sit down and rest. I was tired. Link came and sat down beside me. “You look real tired.” “Are you ready to retire.” Link said as he put his hand on my shoulder. I nodded yes and tried to get up and walk. But I was so tired and had too much to drink that I stumbled.

    I’m confused. Is she tired?

    *Alarms blare*

    Ha. The joke’s on them. They’ll have to make it past the spiky pit traps to reach-

    *Headshotted in the head*

  31. GhostCat says:

    Nora: Which is funny, because according to Ghosty, the average medieval peasant outfit absorbed a lot of water and very good at drowning people.

    It’d probably be several layers of wool, so not only would her clothing absorb most of the water in her tiny basin but she’s going to smell like a soggy sheep for many hours.

  32. Then he got down on one knee and produced a small gold box. He opened it to reveal a gold diamond ring inside.

    Nora: So is it a gold ring or a diamond right? Or is it some sort of bizarre combination?

    Goeth: Precious stones and metal don’t mix that well. This thing is not from this world.

    I’ll… just take that back to R’lyeh where it belongs, thanks.

  33. BatJamags says:

    Then as he penetrated deep inside my sweaty body, the feeling rushed through me like a raging river, the feeling of………. feeling like a women.

    I’d like to make my apologies to Aretha Franklin, and note that Jenna Sue apparently feels like multiple women.

  34. GhostCat says:

    I returned to the inside of my wagon and prepared a hot bath.

    Let’s all play “Spot The Author Who Has Never Gone Camping!”

  35. AdmiralSakai says:

    Summer finally arrived and signs of spring were slowly fading. I was spending my days at Hyrule castle helping with the chores and making plans for my upcoming wedding. Link spent his days building a home in the Lost Woods for us to live in after we were married.

    Oh, you mean the place where it’s heavily implied that anyone who stays too long inside it without a fairy will slowly become a Skull Kid??

  36. AdmiralSakai says:

    now that I was marring Link

    Oh, you’re marring Link all right…

  37. BatJamags says:

    For filing each other’s hot desires and fantasies.

    Link: So, should your weird-ass cat-noise fetish go under “W” for weird-ass, “C” for cat-noise, or “F” for fetish?

    Jenna: Eh, put it under C.

  38. BatJamags says:

    He looked deeply into my brown eyes

    I’d like to make my apologies to Van Morrison and note that I have no idea how you “look deeply” into something.

  39. BatJamags says:

    Then he got down on one knee and produced a small gold box. He opened it to reveal a gold diamond ring inside.

    Nora: So is it a gold ring or a diamond right? Or is it some sort of bizarre combination?

    Goeth: Precious stones and metal don’t mix that well. This thing is not from this world.

    Pretty sure it’s a gold ring with a diamond on it.

    • BatJamags says:

      Oh! Yes, and also:

      I’d like to make my apologies to Gary Lewis and the Playboys, and note that there’s actually no indication that diamonds exist in Hyrule, as far as I can remember.

  40. BatJamags says:

    I was marring Link.

    This fic became self-aware fast.

  41. GhostCat says:

    Then I took the soap and washed up.

    Goeth: Ten bucks says LQ envisioned modern soap when

    I think you word there, Goeth.

    Soap was a commercial enterprise in Europe as far back as the sixth century, before that it was imported from the Orient. THe quality would vary depending on the available fatty acids and how well the manufacturer could process their lye, but if she’s a merchant she probably has access to the good stuff. It would affect her profit margin if she used her own trade goods for personal use, though.

  42. GhostCat says:

    After I washed I got out of the tub and dried off. I went to the wardrobe closet to pick out a dress for this evening’s occasion. After some rummaging, I picked a low v cut white dress with lace that held the v together.

    How big is this frickin’ wagon? I get that she’s an itinerant merchant so she would live out of her wagon, but a vardo (the stereotypical “gypsy wagon” you see in most fantasy settings) is roughly the size of a panel van.

  43. GhostCat says:

    Ert: YOU THOUGH THE TRIFORCE WAS A FAIRY TALE! Why the fuck do you have a dress with a symbol from a fairy tale on it!? It’d be like if I had a formal suit with the Three Little Pigs on it!

    :quickly hides mermaid print skirt and Soot Sprite keychain:

    Yeah … What a weirdo.

    • BatJamags says:

      Well, to be fair, there’s a difference between casual clothing and the wardrobe-porn-tacular formal dress Jenna’s using.

      • GhostCat says:

        Especially if the Triforce symbol is associated with royalty. She might be “just like family” to them, but that wouldn’t give her the right to deck herself out in their family seal.

  44. GhostCat says:

    Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow in the moonlight. “Follow me, I will lead the way.” Then he booted the horse in the legs

    Ert: I know nothing about riding horses and that made me want to punch Link in the face.

    :headdesk:

    :headdesk:

    :headdesk:

  45. GhostCat says:

    Ert: Christ, kid’s stories were fucked up back in the day. The Dwarves actually killed the Queen in Snow White by making her dance in red hot shoes.

    That also happens in some versions of Cinderella, as well as the added touch of having her wicked step-sisters getting their eyes pecked out by birds. Really puts a new spin on all that “helpful wildlife” you see in Disney films.

  46. Andiliteman says:

    I thought to myself. Just then one of the Kokiri, a young girl approached me. “My name is Saria, what’s yours?” The young girl asked. “My name is Jenna, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” I replied.

    Truly some riveting dialogue.

  47. GhostCat says:

    rt: They’re KIDS! Kids that live in hollowed out trees! They need fairies to babysit them! Where the fuck did they get pork and turkey!? Where do they grow the wheat for bread? Where are the cows that they got the cheese from? And if they imported all of this stuff, where did they get the money for it? Selling fucking Deku nuts and sticks?

    Especially the turkey, which is native to North America.

  48. GhostCat says:

    all of the Kokiri got up and started to dance. Some of the Kokiri even played instruments.

    That would make dancing easier.

  49. Here today , CRB says:

    Goeth: Within her side? Hold on let me take a look of that…yup. Yup, it’s a tumor.

  50. SFY says:

    I know it’s too late but have you looked at the Half-Life/ME crossover Dark Skies?

  51. GhostCat says:

    I felt new feelings swarm threw my body.

    HEADS UP, SC!

  52. TacoMagic says:

    There were two horses in front saddled for riding. One was a rust colored mare with a white main and tail with a black mussel.

    What other color would its mussel be? They’re always bl-

    Oh. Okay then.

  53. TacoMagic says:

    Then I arced my back and screamed in pure ecstasy

    “I keep hearing screams, are you two okay in there!?”

    GO AWAY, SARIA!!

  54. CrunchyRaptor says:

    Goeth: Drink him in? Ok, but it’s going to take awhile. Someone give me a bone saw and a blender. I’ll also need a bit of acid and a set of clothes no one will miss.

    *Walks in, hands Goeth a surgical pack labeled 5a, and walks out.*

  55. Swenia says:

    I began to cry when he approached me.

    For crap’s sake, woman, it was just sex! Even if it was awesome, which given your experience levels I highly doubt, you don’t have to get all worked up over your groin-buddy being unavailable for a while. Just shag your brains out for a few days then be about your business. He’ll be there for a booty call when you’re back in town next year.

    And it’s not like he’s doing much around there anyway. If you really need sex on the go, maybe consider hiring him as a guard or something.

    Come to think of it, being a traveling merchant with a cohort of guards sounds like a pretty sweet deal…


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