1533: Teen titians: The weirdest foe – Chapter 1Posted: September 16, 2016
Hello, dearest Patrons!
I’m continuing to dig through the fics lingering at the bottom of my pile-o-fail; this one comes to us courtesy of the Teen Titans section of ff.net. There have been numerous versions of the Titans, both in the comics and out, but this one was located in the section for the animated series (the original and not Teen Titans Go!, which I choose to pretend doesn’t exist) so I will restrict any canon nit-picking to that particular source material. It’s also listed as a Humor fic, which is not something we have a very good track record with here at the Library and it doesn’t look like this fic is going to break that streak.
Let me show you the summary, such as it is;
When jinxs sister comes after the titians, she wants to make them cry before she kills them.
Because torture and murder are absolutely hilarious! Also, the author seems to be under the impression that the group is named after a 16th century Venetian painter and not the god-like beings of Greco-Roman mythology.
Warning: The following story is written by me, so I think that should be warning enough.
Oh, that’s a good sign.
Starfire: Actually I think you need to add some other stuff to that. Raven: Unless you wish to get sued for everything you own.
So when you say “warning” you really mean “disclaimer” and you’re going to write one even after you claim you don’t need to write one. In a chatty dialogue with the characters written in script format.
If I wasn’t already nursing a hangover from Wednesday’s “Invent A Shot Night” in the commissary, this would drive me to drink.
Gary: What? My play station and my comic books? Oh and about 10 bucks on a good day?
Who the hell is Gary? I assume he’s the author, but that’s not the username he uses on the site. There’s zero in the way of description and that list of assets narrows Gary’s age down to somewhere between “broke-ass teenager” to “broke-ass adult”, which isn’t really all that helpful.
Beast boy: *sigh* Guess I’ll do the disclaimer.. Gary does not own Teen Titians, and frankly, that’s a good thing for us.
I think that’s good for everyone. And it looks like the warning/disclaimer is a brick-o-text.
:glances down at chapter:
…Just like the rest of the fic. Yay.
Robin: This is just a fan fiction so nobody please sue him.
As we’ve covered before, this doesn’t offer any legal protection to fic authors at all; it’s just that most of the creators of the original content don’t have the time or resources to have C & D papers served on every would-be writer with a laptop and wi-fi.
Cyborg: Now Gary, back to that idea about me being king of the world.
I think someone’s watched Titanic one too many times.
Rest of the titians: O_O Gary: How many time do I have to tell you, I’m not writing that! Any way, onto the story!
It would be foolish of me to hope that the fic itself has better grammar than this introduction passage, wouldn’t it?
Silence. That was the first thing she noticed when she woke up.
I don’t see anything.
Usually there was the noise of the machines working on his DNA.
Ah, the ever useful and always vague “machines” that can do anything you want them to. I bet Nameless is floating in a vat of goo or some other sort of Tube of Science while these little critters do their magic. And apparently they clipped Nameless’ chromosomes a bit while they were massaging the DNA, or whatever it is they were doing, since Nameless went from a XX to a XY.
A 4-foot drone built with small rockets on its bottom hovered towards her, it’s four arms waving. “Master, your treatment is done.”
Since when can a Mr. Handy manipulate cellular matter?
The women smiled and stepped out of the tube
where she had spent the last 4 months.
No numerals in the narration!
Had it really been that long? She closed her eyes.
I don’t know, had it? You’re not giving me much to work with, you know.
4 months ago
Did you just start a sentence with a frickin’ numeral?!?
her sister had been beaten and sent to jail by the teen Titians along with gizmo and mammoth.
That makes it sound like Gizmo and Mammoth are a part of the Titans, which isn’t true. They attend the H.I.V.E Academy, run by H.I.V.E – that’s the Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination, because acronyms – as a training ground for young villains.
Nameless has somehow cloned herself into multiple copies.
who herself was really just a teen of age 17 had despaired at this, knowing that when her sister got out of jail the hive was going to make her sorry.
So much awkward phrasing. And it’s still early in the fic.
I don’t understand how Nameless’ sister being in jail would keep H.I.V.E from reaching her and doing whatever it is Nameless thinks they would do once Nameless’ sister gets out; the DC multiverse isn’t known for having very secure prisons and/or mental health care facilities.
She had promised to get the titans back for this and she knew ho she wanted to do it.
The Titans just captured Nameless’ sister, they weren’t responsible for prosecuting her or sentencing her to whatever punishment she has received. That would be like me beating up the postman because my power bill is too high.
She was going to embarrass them, make them cry in shame, then.
You spent four months in a Tube of Science just so you can embarrass a bunch of teenagers, something that can be done by posting a few compromising pictures on Facebook?
You are very not good at resource management.
She paused and flexed her newly strengthen muscles and punched a hole into the steel walls as if it was paper.
…That was unexpected. And unnecessarily destructive; she’s damaging what I presume is her own facility, after all. I do find it very unlikely that she would be able to punch through walls after spending four months stationary in a tube no matter how much her DNA has been massaged; she would barely be able to walk.
Oh yes. They would pay, she knew that for sure.
You want to “make them pay” by embarrassing them, so what do you need super-strength for? All you need are a few headshots, access to a decent stock photo archive, and Photoshop.
“I see your enjoying your new power.” A mans voice, coming up behide her.
AHHH! DISEMBODIED VOICE!
“It wasn’t cheep you know, to built and power this device to give you your powers.”
Yet you did it anyway for reasons I have yet to comprehend.
His name was Slade, he always kept to the shadows and avoided light when ever possible, he wore a mask which had only one eye hole in it but that was all he needed.
That would be this guy;
Slade Wilson, AKA “Deathstroke”; I thought I’d include a photo since “shadowy dude with mask” doesn’t really do the character justice.
This man had been behide sending her sisters team to fight the titian’s but she hadn’t know that when she had been contracted by him with a offer to get the power needed to beat the titans.
I has the pronoun confusion. Both Nameless and her sister are female, so I don’t know which “she” the narration is referring to at any given moment.
“I am very grateful for this Slade.” The girl said, bowing before him.
If this version of Slade is even remotely like his canon version, then you are in so much trouble right now.
Slade smiled, and with great effort kept the contempt out of his voice as he spoke.
Why would he bother smiling? He’s wearing a mask.
Slade’s voice actor is Ron Perlman, who has a very distinctive voice that is tailor-made for a smug bastard like Slade. He makes no effort to hide his contempt, and even his most minor statements were just dripping with malice.
“You will find different uniforms in the back room.” He paused as she walked pause him heading toward the room. “And Kimberly, I would also give myself a new name if I were you.”
Deathstroke’s original name was Kimberly? That’s a version of the character I’m not familiar with.
She nodded and looked thru all the uniforms there, deciding to take one that was dark purple tights going down the legs,
How innovative; I usually wear tights on my arms.
and a sleeveless top that was also dark purple.
Yet another metahuman who could have picked up their costume at the local mall. At least this one isn’t a salmon-colored sweatsuit.
Her mask was like robin’s and as she went to leave a robot stopped her and gave her a watch that would auto dress her in many different cloths all she had to do was pick the outfit.
Slade not only has a costume that will fit a seventeen year old girl, he has a wide variety of them that he managed to shove into a TARDIS watch. I guess he had to do something to occupy his time while he spent four months waiting in the Formless Void for the timer on his Easy Bake Villain to go off.
Choosing one, that of a businesswomen she left the building and made her way across the city, heading for titian tower.
A seventeen year old girl dressed as a businesswoman. Yeah, that wouldn’t be at all suspicious.
Inside Titian tower Starfire and Raven were having a fight while Robin trained and Cyborg and Beast boy played video games.
I’ll have to take your word for it, all I can see is Void.
“Why must you be so mean and gloomy!” Starfire says hotly at Raven, her face red with anger.
Because when Raven has uncontrolled emotions, stuff go boom.
Starfire had wanted to go out shopping with someone but the before mentioned males were busy.
Starfire is fairly clueless about most Earth customs, but I doubt even she would attempt to drag teenaged males out on a shopping trip.
So Starfire had asked Raven, the dark and gloomy girl had stared at her before calling her a clueless twit. “Because it’s better than being a brain dead bimbo!” Raven shot back at her.
I am so confused right now. I can’t tell who called whom which insult.
Both girls were trained fighters and it looked like they were getting ready to test Starfire’s star bolts with Raven’s dark powers.
That makes zero sense. It looks as if the two spontaneously decided to try to replicate Starfire’s powers using Raven’s abilities while in the middle of a petty argument.
“How dare you insult me! On my planet you would be punished very badly by the adult in charge!” Star says, with some tears in her eyes.
What adult in charge? This version of the Titans are largely autonomous.
“The adult in charge? Look here crybaby, we’re teenagers ages 16 and 17.
I’m a year younger than you but you act like a 2 year old!
Teenagers don’t need a adult to watch them but a little cry baby like you might need one to give you a pacifier to suck on when you start crying.”
Honey, if you don’t think teenagers need adult supervision then you clearly haven’t met many teenagers. They are little more than humanoid lumps made mostly of hormones and bad decisions.
Anyone else finding this dialogue to be incredibly awkward and unnatural? This is not how normal people, or teenagers, talk.
With a crude laugh Raven takes off leaving Starfire trying her hardest not to cry.
This is really out of character for Raven. She’s cold and emotionally distant, and can be a bit harsh, but she isn’t deliberately cruel.
Just then the doorbell rang which was weird because they didn’t have a doorbell.
Because that’s not at all suspicious.
Shrugging her shoulders Star flew towards the door and opened it to see a woman in a business suit looking at her with a smile.
If she tries to hand Starfire a copy of The Watchtower, I gonna lose it.
The 5’11 women held out a hand and brushed her black hair back with the other hand.
This girl has very busy hands.
“Hello, my name is Kimberly and I’m with the newspaper.
“The Generic Times, perhaps you haven’t heard of us?”
I was wondering if I could get a interview with one of you Titians, hopefully your self.” The women said faking a blush.
I know the Titans don’t exactly have a secret lair like the Batcave, they live in a giant T-shaped tower in the middle of the harbor, but they do have a very advanced security system that wouldn’t allow random strangers to just walk up to their front door without some kind of notification. The fact that this woman appeared out of nowhere and the alarms didn’t even blink should raise all sorts of suspicions.
And how exactly can she fake a blush? Unlike a smile or a frown or some other voluntary facial expression, a blush is involuntary – it’s created by an increase in blood pressure causing the person’s skin to flush red. You can make yourself blush, perhaps by remembering an embarrassing or intimate moment, but just pretending that you are blushing wouldn’t do anything.
Starfire blushed herself and nodded her head and let the women in the tower and took her to her room.
…I suddenly feel the need to check this fic’s rating.
Crapcakes, it’s rated M. This will not end well.
“You wish to ask me questions? Why not one of the others?” She asked.
That’s an excellent question. Was Kimberly planning on using this tactic on anyone who answered the door, or was she specifically going to target the naïve Starfire?
“Cause you’re the hottest looking one of them” Thought Kimberly then she said.
This fic has taking a very unusual turn.
“Because out of the rest of them, you’re the only alien, that’s a fascinating thing!”
Let’s do a quick run-down of the current members of the Titans, shall we?
- Robin – former sidekick to the frickin’ Batman.
- Beast Boy – green-skinned changeling who can transform into any animal – Terran or alien, living or extinct.
- Cyborg – a man-machine hybrid with a sonic cannon for an arm.
- Raven – a flying half-demon sorceress with magical powers.
And then there’s Starfire herself, who is an alien – but can also fly and shoot energy bolts out of her eyes and hands, which I would find slightly more interesting than the fact that she’s an alien. This is the DC multiverse; you can’t chuck a rock without hitting an alien.
Starfire smiled and Kim knew that the bimbo of a titian had fallen into part one of her plan.
:smacks author with a dead mackerel:
Starfire is not a bimbo!
They talked for the next 2 hours,
Kimberly getting all the dirt she could want on the Titians.
Apparently Starfire, who is steadfastly loyal to her friends and is almost obnoxiously optimistic, has been turned into a stereotypical gossiping teenaged girl.
In fact, the only reason the interview ended was because Raven dropped by and made a comment on how it was the crybabies night to cook supper.
I know humor is subjective, but how is any of this in any way humorous? It’s just juvenile and petty.
:a massive wall of wool thunders through the riffing chamber:
Normally I’d be conflicted if Cerbs went after one of my favorite characters, but I don’t really like Asshat Raven all that much.
as Starfire almost started to cry again in front of her friend before taking off.
Where is Starfire going? It’s rude to fly off and leave your guest like that, even if your guest is probably an Awesome McEvil.
“I am sorry you had to see that act of geeetopu.” Starfire said quickly wiping away her tears.
So “almost” starting to cry means that Starfire was literally already crying?
Words mean things, author.
Kim had learned enough of Star’s language that she knows that geeetopu mean something like stupidest or anther way to call some one a ass clown.
That’s odd thing for her to have picked up over the course of a casual conversation.
“It’s ok, I used to have a sister like that.” She said.
Sudden use of the past tense implies that the sister is possibly dead, or that the author is just not very good at grammar. It could even be both.
“Do you want any help in making the food? It’s the least I can do after you gave me this interview.” Starfire smiled and nodded.
Starfire would definitely need help and probably shouldn’t have been given cooking duties in the first place since she thinks mustard is a tangy beverage. That wouldn’t stop Starfire from making some weird alien delicacy, like the Pudding of Sadness, that no one would ever eat.
“It will not be easy, just about every one eats something different from some one else.
Nothing quite as “different” as what Starfire eats, though.
Raven told me earlier before she became an ass that she wanted hot dogs and fries. Robin always wants a hamburger and fries. I eat the same thing as Robin. Cyborg eats a steak and potatoes while Beast boy is having a nice salad. He refuses to eat anything he might have to turn into.” Starfire says.
As fascinating as this daybook menu is, I’m more concerned with the fact that Raven underwent a complete personality change between the time she told Starfire what she wanted for dinner and that weird argument they had earlier. Drastic changes in Raven’s personality are usually a very bad sign.
Kim blinks then gets to work working with Starfire to make the food,
In Starfire’s bedroom, since they never changed locations.
making most of Raven’s herself and slipping a chemical into Ravens hotdogs.
What chemical? There was no mention of Kimberly getting anything from Slade besides her new watch-wardrobe. And how did she know she would have access to Raven’s food at any point? What form does this chemical even take – a powder? A liquid? A solid mass? Does she have to inject it into the hot dogs, or does she sprinkle a little on top? There’s just so many variables that she would have had to account for to make this plan workable that it boggles the mind.
When the food was about to be ready Kim made her good byes and left the building to get the interview back to her office.
The fake interview for the paper she doesn’t work for and thus has no office to go back to.
Once she was off of Titian Island she pressed a button on her watch and her attire went back to the tights.
And was promptly arrested for indecent exposure because women can’t walk around in nothing but a pair of tights.
“This will be fun, by the end of the night one of the Titians will be crying herself to sleep.
Well, there’s only two female Titans; Raven’s been dosed with an unknown chemical, but Starfire’s the one who has been constantly crying so I would say that it’s …
:coin lands perfectly balanced on its edge:
Dammit! One of the minions must have been breaking physics again.
Now if only I could come up with a name for myself.”
Is Roofie McDumbass already taken?
Gary: And there you have, the start of a masterpiece!
I assume you’re being sarcastic, because there is no way I can take that statement seriously.
All the Titians: O_O Starfire: I am confused, that was not a reporter? Raven: *slaps head*
Oh, goody. More dialogue breaking the fourth wall. That’ll really
pad add a lot to the fic.
Robin: ..Any ways, Remember people, the only way Gary knows if you people like his story is to read and review.
The fic does have a handful of reviews, many containing even worse spelling and grammar than this fic.
Beast boy: So whether you liked it or hated, he wants to hear your two cents worth.
Oh, don’t worry. I’m not shy about making my opinions known.
Cyborg: Just as long as it’s sensible, so none of that ‘U suc’ stuff, bad spelling and all. Gary and the Titians: See ya later!
The spelling isn’t as bad as some fics I’ve managed to force my way through, but that’s a low hurdle to jump. There are a lot of bad word choices, and the grammar is abysmal, but so far the author hasn’t done anything I find terribly repugnant. That’s about the best thing I can say about it – it doesn’t offend me too much. Other than the OOC actions of Raven and Starfire, it is pretty boring thus far.
Join me next time to see if the fic will continue to underwhelm me!