1526: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey – Chapters 9, 10, and 11

Title: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey
Author: cw2k
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Parody/Romance
URL: Chapter 9
URL: Chapter 10
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Disclaimer: Once again, this installment of this fic contains explicit sex scenes. Can I just rate this whole riff NSFW? Because there’s at least one sex scene per installment in this damn thing!

Hello folks, and welcome back for more shitty Mortal Kombat lemons. My name is Herr Wozzeck, and I’m here with just myself for more crappy sex action.

Anyone else looking forward to this? ‘Cause I’m kind of not.

*le sigh*

Well, let’s get going. There’s no cause to delay now, am I right?

We open our next chapter with this:

Tanya continued thinking about Chris, and how the lovin’ between them two came about.

What’s there to think about? You boinked him within three minutes of meeting him, he boinked you when you came to his house in Earthrealm… really, it’s nothing but boinking! I really don’t know what else there is to think about here!

All of the sudden she was being followed. Realizing this, Tanya is now on full alert, but she was startled by a familiar voice. “Tanya!” It was a female clad in green attire, Jade.

Oh hai Jade, how are you?

I knew I’d find you here,” says Jade.

“Jade, I…”

“Silence! You trespass on Earthrealm?

That depends. What’s your definition of ‘trespass’ here? Because I don’t necessarily think that Tanya is violating any orders being on Earthrealm when she’s not unwanted…

What are your intentions, Tanya? Is it bad enough you betrayed our realm for what, exactly?”

Penis, Jade. Which is a terrible reason to betray a realm, but let’s be honest: this is a porn fic, it’s going to contrive excuses left and right for sexytimes to happen.

Tanya said nothing but was resented by those words.

*tilts head*

What? How the hell did the words get a will of their own so she could be resented by them?

Jade notices this along with a indescribible sadness from her.

Not that I blame her: I mean, who the hell would use the Bible to describe someone’s sadness, anyway?

“Is this a trick, Tanya?” Jade asked, not completely buying Tanya’s act.

“I went through a recent change, Jade. There was this man…”

Jade looked at Tanya, confused. “A man? An Earthrealmer?”


“And he had a big penis, and I fucked myself on it, and oooh Jade, you have no idea just how amazing it was!”


God, that hurt to write. I legit don’t know how this guy manages to write this corny a porn-style dialogue with a straight face.

They both sat down and discussed about Tanya’s recent change of heart.

“His name was Chris. Me and Mileena kidnapped him during the Netherrealm war. I thought he’d be a lesser man like the rest, but then, something happened, something I never thought possible. I visited him and we fell in love.”

Wait, so you talked about the change of heart and then showed it anyway? I feel that’s—


Oh, for fuck’s sake…

*hides under the desk*

Interns! Use the water balloons, please!

[Scene Redacted for Extreme Wetness]

Man, is Crunchy going to be pissed when he sees we flooded the foyer again…

As Tanya explains this, Jade suddenly came to a epiphany that Chris somehow brought out the woman Tanya could’ve been.

Ah yes, he brings out the best in Tanya with the feeling of his penis!

“This Chris guy must be special,”Jade said.

“He is.”

“Yes, he is great with his penis, and… his penis… and his breakfast… and… um…” *pauses* “What else about him do I like…?”

“Tanya, he changed you, but what about the rebuilding of Edenia?”

“It is long dead, Jade, along with MIleena.”

“I’ve heard. We lost many great warriors in the past, including me.”

Oh, yeah, about that… Didn’t you die in MK9? I’m certain you were one of the victims of Sindel’s massacre in that game, right? In fact, I’m pretty sure you were the only one who got an organ pulled out!

“Jade, Sindel killed you. How did you…?”

Oh good, I’m not the only one who remembers that!

“I was a revenant just like them, but I somehow managed to escape the hellish life given to me by Quan Chi. Never again would I fall for such tyranny.”

Yes, and how, exactly, did you manage to escape Quan Chi’s influence? Because given that Netherrealm is basically hell, you’d think she’d have a hell of a time trying to escape without the help of Quan Chi…

“What about Kitana?”

“She’s too far gone, it seems. It’s not the same anymore.”

Which is fair enough because Kitana does go full evil in MKX, but… still!

Jade fell to tears telling this story of her lost friend. Tanya knew of their friendship, but she didn’t realize how special the friendship was. Tanya held Jade close.

“I’m really sorry about Kitana, Jade, for everything. It is with deep regret for what I’ve done. You may not forgive me, and I understand…”

Oh, right, so we’re going to gloss over how Jade feels about Kitana’s turn to the dark side, right? Let me guess, there’s sexiness in store in the very next paragraph?

Before Tanya could finish, Jade kisses her. Tanya’s eyes widened but closed back as the kiss deepened. ” Jade?”

Tanya seem puzzled by the kiss, she lays her hand on Jade’s thigh.


Goddammit, if I had a nickel for every time I was able to accurately predict things like this, I’d never have to work again!

Jade felt her touch. It felt nice. Jade realizes that Tanya was stricken by a love arrow when she Chris. Jade sees her hand moving slowly around her thigh. “I never told you that you have amazing thighs, Jade.” Jade felt electrical currents running through her body as Tanya touches her. Her hands moved towards her breasts.

“You’re so beautiful.”

Jade got closer to Tanya and kisses her. The two beautiful Edenian women kissed and touched each other, but where they are now wasn’t a good place as people would look and ask questions. Tanya knew where to go: To Chris’ place.

Well, at least we can confirm that this fic believes in equal opportunity faithlessness.

Also, yay, we have lesbian sex now. Because hey, no abjectly hetero sex fantasy would be complete without some extra side of lesbianism to titillate the men with, right?


Anyway, that ends that chapter. Our next chapter starts with this:

Tanya and Jade teleported to Chris’ place, but unfortunely, he’s not home. Regardless, they found the bedroom and striped naked.

So does that mean they kept stripes of clothes on their bodies, or…?

“So this is Chris’ place?”Jade asked

“Yes it is.” They kissed and collasped on Chris’ bed.

O-oh, right. It’s time for lesbian sex. I wonder how far we’ll get before we see that this is just another guy who has no idea how lesbian sex works…

Jade began tasting all the way down Tanya’s body all the way to her vagina. Jade used her tongue and slid it in. Tanya moaned loudly at the feeling of a woman’s tongue making itself at home. She gripped the sheets as Jade’s lips made contact with her clitoris. A few minutes later she sits on Tanya’s face, giving her a taste of her vagina too. Tanya licked deep into Jade’s fiery mound. Jade moaned softly as she massaged her breasts, movin her hips to take the tongue deep.

Okay, so thus far it has been nothing but cunnilingus. I guess that’s not that bad, though I do wonder how comfortable it would be for Tanya’s face when Jade sits on hers. Unless they’re 69ing that, I doubt it’s all that comfortable.

Also, dude, you realize tongues can’t go that deep in someone’s vagina, right? Sure, the sensation is still good, but it’s not super deep.

It could be worse, all told.

Jade came up with a idea: Her pole.


I spoke too soon. Again.

I mean, really? They’re going to use her pole? Um, author, you do remember that if you don’t pull off a fatality with her in MK9 Jade pole dances on it in her victory pose, right? You know, this:

So it’s both long enough and sturdy enough to hold the weight of a grown human adult twirling around it. What the fuck gives you the brilliant idea that you can just insert that shit into a woman’s vagina and she’ll be okay? I mean, fuck’s sake, dildos are often made of flexible material for a reason, dammit!

She placed it in her vagina and climb on top of Tanya. “Don’t worry. It won’t hurt.” She slides the pole in and began moving in her. “Go deep, baby.” Tanya said. And she did.

I don’t know how deep you’re thinking about considering how long Jade’s pole is, but hey, there you go. Also, what the fuck position would be comfortable for a woman to use a pole that is technically taller than she is? You’d think that she’d have to spend a few minutes trying to figure out the best angle to thrust the pole with!


Jade was sexing her now former nemesis. They moaned together as Jade went faster. “Tanya, I forgive you, baby. Oh, god, ahh ahhh!” Jade was feeling it as was Tanya. Jade pumped harder, making Tanya scream her name. “JADE, I’M CUMMING!” “Me, too!”

They both climaxed. They kissed. They collapsed…

And it was somehow pleasurable.


Great. Good to know our author has no concept of how awkward sex can get under certain circumstances.

Also, I shit you not; that is the entirety of Chapter 10. Jesus, what the hell kind of length is that for a chapter? Because it doesn’t read like a chapter at all!

And of course, lesbian sex. ‘Cause lesbians are the only kind of homosexuality that’s hot, apparently.


Anyway, that ends Chapter 10. Chapter 11 starts with this:

Ten minutes later, Chris came home from shopping, completely tired. He wanted to make dinner but Tanya, once again, appears.

Oh, nothing about introducing Tanya to the wonders of dinner? You seemed so happy pushing the wonders of breakfast on someone, why should we expect anything else?


“Hi, Chris. I didn’t know you were coming home.”

“Why do you have my blanket around you?” Chris asked.

“Umm, Chris…”

“What is it?”

“I fucked another woman.”

“What!? Get the fuck out! You harlot!”

“Bitch, you ain’t got any room to criticize me, not after you slept with that harlot Sonya Blade!”

“Why you—!”

[Scene Redacted for Extreme Violence—Which This Fic Seems to Have a Phobia of, For Some Reason]


Jade slowly crept up behind Tanya.

“Who are you?”

“This is Jade. She is another Edenian.”

“Pleasure to meet you.”


Okay… Is any of this actually going somewhere?

“So, what just happened?” Chris looked rather suspicous of the two naked women covered in his blankets.

Tanya responded by reveiling her naked form as did Jade.

So you put your veils back on? Um, honey, I’m pretty sure the only veiled woman in Mortal Kombat was either Kitana or Mileena. You two never went with veils (especially not in the rebooted MK universe of MK9), so why are you doing that now?

Chris was amazedby Jade’s stunning beauty just like was with Tanya.

Eesh, that grammar. On the plus side, I guess we know what this guy was doing while he was writing what is inevitably another sex scene.

Tanya proceeded first by taking Chris’ pants off and took his hard member in her mouth. Jade came up to him and whispered in his ear:

“Tanya told me that you had her sex with her. You wouldn’t mind fucking me, would you?” Tanya rose up and they both led Chris to his bedroom. Jade laid dwon with her thighs wide open. “Come on, big boy. Show me what you can do.”

Chris climbed on top and slid in easily.

Oh, whoah. Okay, so apparently, Chris and Tanya just fuck whoever they want, and they don’t shout at each other for it? That’s… actually about what I expected for this arrangement. Hey, I’m just glad nobody’s getting the chance to exercise any hypocritical double-standards here! Besides, open relationships are a thing, so if that’s what works for the fic, fine by me.

Though I do have to wonder where exactly it is that Jade laid DOWN for Chris to climb up on top of her and slide in. Because I doubt it would be at all comfortable if they bumped uglies in the armoire, you get what I’m saying?

Jade wrapped her thighs around him as starts slow first. They kissed as he pumped deep. Jade moaned loud. Chris pumped hard, making Jade grip his sheets.

Oh, so it was on the bed. Okay, good, I’ll remember to assume it’s always a bed next time, even if there isn’t one nearby.

Meanwhile, Tanya whispered in Jade’s ear: “I never want this to end, baby.” After a few minutes, Jade was riding him with his hand on her thighs.

“Damn, you feel so good, baby.” She rode harder back and forth, taking him deeper. Tanya kisses her passionately and licked her nips. Jade went up and down hard. She moaned loud as she took his member as deep as he could. “I’m gonna cum.” Chris said. Jade didn’t care. She wanted this. Chris exploded deep inside Jade, but she kept going. “I’m not leaving you until you finish… again.”

Yeah, yeah, can you hurry it up, please? I’ve got things to do today!

Chris took Jade from behind while Tanya kisses him and said, “Fuck her good, baby. You own that ass.” Chris continued lunging deepin Jade’s nice round ass. “You like my ass, baby?” Jade asked. “Smack it!” He did, ten times.


Wow, this fic managed to make ass smacks boring. Also, is it just me, or is this sex still as boring as it always has been?

After a few minutes, Jade sat on his lap with her thighs around her and rode him oh so professionally. “Tanya, I love this man so much. I say we both be his.”

I love how this story continues to assume that sex is the only progenitor of love in the entire world. I find it especially hilarious considering that everyone in this fic keeps fucking everyone else for no reason whatsoever.

I may just be kidding myself, but I have a feeling this guy is spending too much time masturbating to his own creation and not enough time actually making it titillating for everybody else. You know, since it’s a special type of fail when the author can’t even make all this shit sound sexy, and I’m saying that as a guy who’s into penises!

Tanya agreed. Chris laid down as Jade continues taking him deeper. Jade was getting more aggressive but was careful not to hurt him. She slowed down as Chris was caressing her thighs. “Oh, god, baby.” Chris was ready to explode again and Jade made sure of it. He exploded again inside Jade.

One smoke grenade coming right up!


[One Seven-Hour Hospital Visit Later]

“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t think my dick could explode like that!”

“Shut up, Chris! Just shut up!”

She kissed him. “Good boy. Maybe one day, once we rebuild Edenia, you are more than welcome to come visit us. I will remember you, fucking me so good.” She kissed him again. She got off him.

Chris was completely drained of bustin’ nuts in Jade’s hot mound. He needed to breathe. He saw Jade sleeping on his couch. He went back to bed as Tanya comes to lay with him.

Aaaaand, this is where they yell at each other, right?

“So, how was Jade?”

“She’s amazing, like you.”

Oh, good, so it is actually going for an open relationship. Thank God for minor miracles.

They kissed. Although Chris still needed to recover from getting ‘Jaded’, but he needed Tanya.

That pun was bad and you should feel bad!

He climbed on top and thrusted into her. He was gentle. Loving. Like he was with Jade. Chris and Tanya spent the rest of the night with him inside her. One thing for sure, though, Chris would wake up in the morning, feeling good after boning two gorgeeous Edenian women in one night.

And meanwhile, we’re just sitting here like “and why are we supposed to find any of this sexy”.

Like, even once you accept that this fic is pretty much nothing but porn, it doesn’t even have the knowledge to know how to make these sex scenes sexy. The prose is too overly clinical, it’s not vivid enough, it uses the same descriptors every time, its dirty talk seems to think that “dominant” means something totally different than what is actually in the Webster English dictionary, it’s grammatically fucked half the time… it’s just badly-written porn because it’s so bland and uninteresting.

I honestly have to give it credit: when I first saw the image of the author plugging his own fic, I did not expect it would turn out as utterly boring as it is. Think about how special an accomplishment in fail it is to make porn boring!


You know what? Fuck it. Next time there’s a sex scene, I’m skipping it unless there’s something incredibly interesting in it. I have the horrible feeling the remainder of this snarking will be two pages long as a result, but fuck it, I’m running out of ways to make fun of boring sex scenes!

Anyway, that does it for this installment. I’ve been Herr Wozzeck…

*le sigh*

I’m not looking forward to next week, patrons…


23 Comments on “1526: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey – Chapters 9, 10, and 11”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    All of the sudden she was being followed. Realizing this, Tanya is now on full alert, but she was startled by a familiar voice. “Tanya!” It was a female clad in green attire, Jade.

    Ok, I was going to say “oh shit, now it’s going to ruin gay porn too”, but I’m not at all sure if this story will even allow sex to occur without the self-insert… inserting himself.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:


    • AdmiralSakai says:

      Tanya proceeded first by taking Chris’ pants off and took his hard member in her mouth. Jade came up to him and whispered in his ear:

      “Tanya told me that you had her sex with her. You wouldn’t mind fucking me, would you?” Tanya rose up and they both led Chris to his bedroom. Jade laid dwon with her thighs wide open. “Come on, big boy. Show me what you can do.”

      Well that answers that question, then…

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    [Scene Redacted for Extreme Wetness]

    I feel like you should’ve chosen a different term here, seeing as this is a pornfic and all…

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Jade felt her touch. It felt nice. Jade realizes that Tanya was stricken by a love arrow when she [DATA EXPUNGED] Chris.

    Much better.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    They both climaxed. They kissed. They collapsed…

    And then they fel aspleep lol,

  5. The Crowbar says:

    This is a Mortal Kombat fic.

    I am extremely confused.

    Why the fuck is there more porn than gore?

  6. BatJamags says:

    Tip for writing Mortal Kombat fics: most of the bodily fluids that appear in the fic should be blood,

    Well, “appear” is a strong word. I don’t think the fluids in this fic even count as appearing since they’re not described…

  7. Delta XIII says:

    Interns! Use the water balloons, please!

    [Scene Redacted for Extreme Wetness]

    Man, is Crunchy going to be pissed when he sees we flooded the foyer again…

    All I wanna know is, who decided to use my corpse as a surfboard?!

  8. "Lyle" says:

    My name is Herr Wozzeck, and I’m here with just myself for more crappy sex action.

    *stifled giggling*

    Dude; word choice!

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