1524: X-Com: Mass Effect: Chapter 5 Part 2Posted: September 6, 2016
Title: X-Com: Mass Effect
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect/XCOM
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: After dealing with a fuckwit co-worker who thinks he’s SO FUCKING FUNNY with his fucking sexist, racist and homophobic jokes, I’m looking forward to dealing with something I’m allowed to swear loudly about.
Nora: Ert, we know. You won’t stop ranting about him. Just let it all go. All into the badfic.
Goeth: Let the hate flow through you.
Ert: This is why I don’t use the Red Ring anymore.
Dreadnought ‘Felara’ Bridge.
“Captain we are receiving a Communication’s signal from the Unknown Vessel” When the Felara’s comm officer shouts out this message the entire bridge immediately stands at attention.
Lidanya starts to panic slightly, ‘A first contact situation, am I really going to be in command for this? Goddess I hope I don’t screw this up!’
Ert: I already feel that you are massively under qualified for this. I mean it’s perfectly normal to be nervous. To openly show it, particularly in front of the rest of the crew, is something someone of your status should not be doing. You’re a captain. You’re supposed to set an example for the rest of your crew.
Nearby Benezia shakes her head at the nervousness of Lidanya, although she has to admit that she is also feeling a little apprehensive at this, to be on board the first official Asari ship that this new species will meet. It’s very nerve wracking, especially for the less experienced crew members who’ve grown up with the horrific tales of first contact with the Rachni and the events of the Krogan Rebellions.
Nora: That doesn’t make any sense. First contact with the Krogan went extremely well. The Krogan Rebellions came up centuries later. A more appropriate example would be first contact with the Yhag.
Goeth: But the story is so busy drilling it into our heads that the Council is wrong. We can’t bring up a situation when they did something right.
Benezia steps forwards immediately getting the attention of the entire crew, she turns to the comms officer and says “Open the channel, if it’s audio-visual use the primary screen to show it”
The comm officer nods “Aye ma’am”
Goeth: That sounds like something that would be standard issue when making contact with any ships.
Ert: More space wasting dialogue. Just giving the story more words, even if they don’t add anything. And we’re cutting out more pornagraphic descriptions of how awesome Shepard is and how beautiful she is. One thing in particular really enrages me though.
If she didn’t know any better Benezia would swear that she is looking at the Goddess Athame herself in a mortal form. That image is only reinforced when she speaks.
Nora: God complex? Shepard doesn’t have a god complex! She’s just honestly earned being compared to gods! Really! The author handed everything to her on a silver platter and she can do fucking everything with ease!
Goeth: Makes me wonder if we’re dealing with SCP-056.
Ert: I doubt it. People can’t be in the same room as him without wanting to throttle him because of how smug he is. I WISH that that would happen with Shepard. She’s more like SCP-343. And just like SCP-343, no one can realize how horrific she is. Everyone being ok with SCP-343 was supposed to be part of what made him horrifying.
“Greetings, I am Suzanne Shepard, The Queen of Clan Shepard of the race known as Humans.
Nora: Humans or Novus Shepard? Make up your damn mind.
Goeth: Words mean things, we can’t freely use whatever we feel like. We let that slide in the world world, and now literally is its own antonym.
I am calling on behalf of a member of your own race, would you like to speak to her?” The human, now known to them as Shepard, speaks to them in their own language, causing many on the bridge to exclaim in surprise.
Nora: Because if it’s worth doing once, it’s worth doing a million times until its dried up and everyone hates it. And we hit that point a long time ago, but foursome reason we didn’t stop.
But more than that, the woman speaks with a hint of steel and power that surpasses most matriarchs,
Goeth: The author really should just write Shepard > everything.
Benezia can vaguely remember the matriarchs of her youth, who had a similar presence and weight to them and whose voices had a similar intensity. Benezia remembers asking her mother, Tarla T’Soni, about it and being told ‘They are like that Benezia, because they have fought in the wars, because they have seen horrors we cannot even comprehend, they have danced with Death… and it has claimed a part of their souls’
Ert: I’m honestly envisioning her wearing all black, a beret and hipster glasses when she said that, because that’s about as pretentious as you can get. “It’s claimed part of their SOULS man. It’s, like, deep and stuff.”
Nora: Also that flashback was sloppy and poorly transitioned. And it altered Benezia’s history just so Novus could continue sculpting a statue to their own egos.
Benezia quickly breaks out of her stupor, she bows slightly to Shepard and replies “Greetings to you as well, I am Benezia T’Soni, a Matriarch of the species known as Asari. I would like to hear what the daughter of my kind would have to say,”
Goeth: This is the author’s attempt at being ironic. He is failing, as he had to make Asari talk in a way they normally don’t in order for it to work.
Ert: Why do so many authors try to stuff “Dun-Dun-DUUUUUUUUUUUUN” moments into their stories ad nauseum? It’s not clever and they just come off as, as I like to call them, trailer moments. Moments that appear in movies, are awkward, and only really exist to be put in trailers. For some reason, stupid authors think that they’re good writing.
Shepard smiles and nods before walking out of the field of view, almost instantly she is replaced by the nervous visage of Liara. Before Liara can say anything Benezia reacts “Liara! Thank the Goddess you are safe, do you have any idea how worried I’ve been? I was terrified that you’d been captured by slavers or worse! Why? Why did you run away?”
Nora: Because the author wanted to get the families of three squamates into an area where it made no sense for them to be. So he had to make Liara OOC. It’s not her fault, the author is like Sid from Toy Story, abusing the helpless creatures in his care for his perverse pleasure.
Ert: The same mindset seen here in other words.
Benezia is almost crying in relief at the end of her little tirade, the stress of the past week melting away as she sees the healthy if slightly tired and nervous face of her missing daughter.
Goeth: Benezia is getting emotional again despite it being OOC.
Ert: I refer you to the above statement when we established that the characters are just dolls the author is mashing together to play out bizarre scenarios in his head.
Liara looks down in shame, having seen the expression of relief on her mother’s face and hearing the hints of fear in her voice had driven home a point to her, every action has a consequence and she hadn’t looked at the consequences her running away would have on anyone but herself.
Nora: Blah blah blah, half assed moral or commentary or whatever that the author has most certainly not earned.
Ert: BUT DEEP!
Liara doesn’t even turn as she hears Shepard cough to her right, quickly but with details she describes her little ‘adventure’.
Once Liara was finished Benezia pauses, blinks, blinks again and then lets loose a tirade that nearly blows Liara off her feet. To the side Shepard is gleefully writing down what Benezia is Yel- Sho- Scr- calmly and firmly stating her point in a refined and noble manner… at least that’s what she’ll tell anyone that asks in the future.
Ert: Hur hur. So funny. Shepard is fucking with the narration and is going to commit genocide. BUT SHE’S SO FUCKING FUNNY U GUYZ!
Goeth: The old reality warping theory certainly is coming into play.
Although it was a small event initially the events around what would later be known as the Relay 314 First Contact Incident would have a resounding effect on Galactic Politics and even the nature of the Council itself. Not long after Matriarch Benezia T’Soni made contact with the Humans (More commonly referred to as Novus by themselves and their allies)
Ert: Except for just now because we can go fuck ourselves. Also author still doesn’t know what proper nouns are.
did the Queen of Clan Shepard offer a proposition towards the Quarian people.
It was a offer to heal their weakened immune systems and find a way to return them to their homeworld.
Nora: Just get to the part where Shepard gets a lesbian harem already. That’s the direction this writing is heading.
Ert: They don’t even know the first thing about Quarian DNA or anatomy, but of course Shepard is making promises that of course she’ll be able to keep.
Needless to say the Quarians took it very seriously, the Novus took to discussions with the Quarians rapidly. However they stated to the Citadel Council that it would take between one to two months before they could start formal negotiations.
Despite how it might appear as a slight due to the fact that the Novus were prioritizing the Quarians over the Council, none of the Councilors objected. After all a month was a long time and they wanted to put on the best show, they prepared everything for the occasion and were sparing no expense.
Goeth: Because apparently you can only hold open diplomacy with one power at a time. Advice. Hire more ambassadors.
Ert: I think we established a long time ago that Dragon doesn’t write Novus as doing things that make sense. He writes them in order to flip off the Council. Of course they’re paying more attention to the depopulated refugees than the galaxy spanning alliance. The author likes the Quarians more.
During this time the Novus opened up several Mass Relays, An action which was noted as anomalous by the STG as they had been informed that the Novus did not make use of the Relays.
Ert: Ok, now Novus is just actively trying to spite the Council. Activating Mass Relays without using them, when its against Council law as a PROTECTIVE measure! There is no reason for them to be doing this
Goeth: It’d be a nice twist if they accidentally walked in on a species around the level of the Mi-Go that proceeded to wipe them out. Of course that will never happen, despite my prayers.
However when the Novus openly colonized a planet within the Asgard system
Nora: Just drop the Greek mythology names, ok? It was cute for five seconds and then the appeal wore off.
that they called ‘Terra Nova’ it became more apparent, the Novus were either preparing for integration into the Council (A option which was noted to be highly unlikely by STG agent Merrick Solus) or they were opening a Trade Outpost (A option the Volus ambassador was overjoyed to contemplate)
Ert: Uh. Why? What’s so special about the…ugh…Asgard system? Why does it indicate either of those things? What’s so special about it or Terra Nova? And Solus. Because the families of everyone is involved with this. Because because.
Nora: And the Volus is greedy. Yay stereotypes.
Left unsaid by the Turians and Krogans (For various reasons… some of which matched) was the possibility that the Novus were setting up a Forward Base in preparation for an invasion.
Ert: Oh why would you think that? It’s not like they’re incredibly militaristic, love to show off their military prowess, self righteously slaughter captives, kill the citizens of sovereign nations, oh wait, they have every right to think that.
Nora: Author. Nouns. Proper. Nouns. Learn what they actually are.
A fortnight after the Relay 314 First Contact Incident the Quarians agreed to Mankind’s proposal and in exchange for the healing of their kind and the reclamation of their homeworld they became a Client Race for the Novus.
Goeth: And like a spider, Novus pulls another naive captive into its web.
Ert: Dragon scares me with the way he seems to want Novus to rule over the entire galaxy and everyone that lives in it. Not like the Ethereals….what a crock of shit.
It was this event that truly caught the interest of the Geth for the first time in nearly three hundred years they began to contemplate moving beyond the Perseus Veil.
Nora: Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ert: Story? Blow me.
Within the Geth Consensus there was a large debate going on… or at least that would be the best way for an organic beings to rationalize it. A synthetic or Cybernetic being would call it a conflict of interest, whatever it is called it was ‘loud’ maybe not in a sense of noise, but the Geth Server hubs were working overtime to deal with the load.
Ert: Well that actually sounds halfway interesting. How long will it take for the story to ruin it with its sickening saccharine bullshit?
Nora: Give it a minute.
+The Creators have chosen to ally themselves with this new race (Designation OR-14 Novus/Humanity) They may attempt an invasion+ Geth Process 13525-582A states.
Ert: This is a perfectly logical conclusion to make.
Goeth: Due to the fact that the Quarians attacked 100% of the time when they thought victory was possible, according to Legion.
+This is an unplanned for event, it was never thought that the Creators would accept becoming a Client Race. However the ‘Novus’ did offer to repair the (Generational Immune System Specific Genetic Degradation) caused by (Lack of Immune System use due to Sterilized Starship environments)+ Geth Process 48232-149H responds.
Nora: Uh, any reason the author decided to word the Geth conversations like that? It makes me feel like they’re talking in the same manner as bad phone ads. You know what I mean. “Hello (Insert name here) and welcome to our (Insert service here) service!”
Ert: If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no one really respects the Geth in the Mass Effect fandom. If they’re not forcing individualism on them, they do stuff like this.
+Has a correlation between (Designation OR-12 Nephilim) and (Designation OR-14 Novus/Humanity) been established? The chances for two species divided by nearly ninety-six thousand light years to develop along similar lines to have a 99.98% appearance match is beyond astronomical. (Designation OR-02 Asari) must also be taken into account. Are they some sort of experiment by (Designation EX-01 Protheans) could the Creators be part of this Experiment?+ Geth Process 5966-462S Comments.
Ert: You know, Nephilim keeps getting brought up every three seconds, but we’ve yet to actually see any of them. They’re a non-entity in the story, only existing to unintentionally show how psychopathic Novus is, and to be compared to the Novus. Their existence is worthless and actively works against the goals of the story.
+A Diplomatic envoy must be sent. Possibility of conflict between Creators and Geth is now above eighty-six point four seven percent and rising. (Designation OR-14 Novus/Humanity) intervention is most likely (Ninety-nine point four six percent) and in nearly nine hundred and ninety four simulations out of a thousand results in the destruction of the Geth+ Geth Process 13525-582A states.
Nora: Again, this is probably on the mark. If the Geth didn’t kiss the feet of Novus, they probably would be on the receiving end of genocide.
Goeth: It does match up. The only species that doesn’t instantly attempt to worship them is the one that is going to be exterminated. In fact, any single person showing dislike automatically becomes a villain.
+This Unit is prepared for insertion into Citadel Space, it would take less than five Council Days for this Unit to reach a suitable location to seek consensus with the Creators and (Designation OR-14 Novus/Humanity) about the ceasing of hostilities+ Geth Agricultural Unit (Repurposed – Infiltration) 014 states.
Ert: And here’s where it all falls apart. They think they can utterly end the three-hundred year conflict between them and the Quarians. Why? No reason, but Novus is involved, so it’s possible now.
Nora: It’s like watching a serial killer wearing the skin of Mass Effect
+Logically that is the most prudent course of action. This one agrees, does the consensus agree+ Geth Process 00001-001A states.
-+The Consensus agrees with the course of action proposed by Geth Agricultural Unit (Repurposed – Infiltration) 014+- The Geth state as one.
Goeth: And they all agree that this will work, because the author is forcing them to act as his puppets and is forcing them to say whatever they want.
Ert: We do do that from time to time. Watch.
Nora: I like big butts and I cannot lie. Fuck you Ert.
However not all was good, for the Batarian Hegemony had been humbled. Solid proof of their slaving had been discovered and they suffered massive punitive fines from nearly every single Council Race.
In their anger the Batarians plotted to attack the Novus, they sought to punish the race that had cost them their respectability and shown them to be liars to the Galaxy at large. Multiple business deals both legal and otherwise fell through due to this.
Ert: Yeah, problem with that. The Batarian’s violation of anti-slave laws was kind of an open secret. They got around it by taking slaves in the Terminus Systems, internally, and using mercenaries for deniability. But because the author hates Batarians, they all hate people who are free and want to enslave the galaxy. Like Novus does, except it’s not ok this time.
Nora: Oh, but the Council hit them hard. They FINED them. They didn’t stop their slave trading or hold trials for war crimes, they FINED them. This story is stupid.
The Batarians prepared a strike force and waited, on the day of the Council Negotiations they would strike at ‘Terra Nova’ and teach the Novus a lesson… or at least that was what they planned to do, but as any good soldier will tell you. No plan survives contact with the enemy.
Goeth: Novus plans do, but they do everything right due to some sort of dimensional flux that keeps rewriting themselves.
Then it came, exactly thirty-three days and six hours after the end of the Relay 314 First Contact Incident the Novus CAS-Assault Carrier CSSV ‘Beaches of Normandy’ broke through the fabric of space-time and appeared just outside of the Citadel’s Arms. For the first time many species got a view of the majesty of a Novus fleet in its full splendor.
Ert: OH MY GOD, STOP IT! If I were to take a shot every time someone gawked at a Novus ship, I’d be dead by this point.
Nora: But their ships are awesome! Do you get it? DO YOU GET IT!?
Goeth: And we cut out a paragraph of Novus ship wank
As it had been arranged over the last month Shepard and her Honor Guard depart for the Citadel in a diplomatic style Skyranger (which has less obvious armor plating)
Ert: That tells us next to nothing.
The moment had come, the Skyranger docks with the Citadel and Shepard steps foot on the Citadel, the first Novus to ever do so.
Ert: This tells us something, but the value of what it tells us is next to nothing. The first Novus? No doy.
Council Docking Bay 31
The Asari Councilor, Tevos T’Mara, is fighting to keep her expression neutral. She is currently staring at the Novus landing party with something akin to awe ‘Benezia was right, she is like a Goddess walking amongst mere mortals’ is her only thought.
Nora: Awe. Awe, awe, awe, awe, awe, author, you’re telling this story in a digital format and we can still see your jizz all over the papers.
The Turian Councilor, Meticulus Retria, nods lightly to himself, no matter what happens here, the Turian Hierarchy will be attempting friendly relationships with these Novus. They had helped his people without even hesitating, such an action requires a suitable repayment. But even so, a part of his mind was screaming at him to fall to his knees and pray to this… Queen.
Nora: People like this story. People like Novus. People don’t think that any of this is creepy. People are happy that the Batarians are going to be on the receiving end of genocide…weep people. Weep for the human race.
Goeth: I made a speech about how values go out the window when things get hard once. This just proves my point.
The Salarian Councilor, Yelena Revlon, shakes slightly in her ceremonial robes. She was a Dalatrass, a Salarian leader, who’d been alive for nearly four decades, yet the presence of this… Being makes her shiver. Her ancient primal senses scream to her that this is a monster that if provoked would destroy her and everything she held dear.
Ert: Stop after monster and I can’t really argue with you.
Nora: Personally I’d just take out “If provoked”.
Suzanne Shepard on the other hand, smirks.
Ert: GAAAAAHAHHHAHAHAAAAAA! FUCK YOU YOU MISERABLE FCuKING C-WORD, IF I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH MORE OF YOUYR’ FUCKING BULLSHIT I’m GING TO RUP YOUR FUCKING FUCKINF GFucKING guck You!
Nora: Uh…Ert? *Taps Ert* You ok?
Goeth: Smoke’s coming out of his ears.
Nora: Oh dear.
(Fuck Shepard Counter: 20)
She can see the awe and fear from the three Councilors, it somewhat disturbed her that her mere presence could do that, but it was part of being the Novus High Queen. Her ‘aura’ if you will, made all other beings want to bow down to her, it was only made more potent by every Novus in existence. With the Novus population easily reaching over a Trillion at this time, even the strongest willed beings would have trouble in her presence… when she used it that is. Shepard could and most of the time would suppress her ‘aura’ so that she could simply live her life without complications (or people throwing themselves at her feet)
Ert: I love how Shepard has her head stuck so far up her own ass that she thinks everyone wanting to eat her out is the way things should be. Oh but don’t worry, she’s “Somewhat disturbed.” Not horrified, not revolted, not terrified of herself the way a non-sociopath would be. Just somewhat disturbed. Like she walked across some roadkill. That’s because THIS FUCKIGN BITHC JSUTS CAN”t FUKING-
Nora: Yeah, Ert, we agree with you but we don’t need you overloading your processors again. Though I am annoyed that apparently she can turn this off and decides not too. And more people means she has a stronger presence. Because magic.
Goeth: It would make sense if the Novus hive mind was like the Tyranids, in that each living being acted as a synapse, and she had a passive psionic presence the way they did. But neither was established, they were just kind of thrown at us.
Impressed by the resolute nature of the Councilors she eases up on her ‘aura’ and has to swallow a laugh as they all sigh in relief.
Nora: HAHAHAHA! I’m a power mad tyrant!
Behind Shepard four Sangheili including Thel’ Vadam take up positions, behind them Squad ‘Freelancer’ stands ready with a Muton Strike Force, a Sectoid Squad, an Unggoy Mass and a Yanme’e Swarm acting as her Honor Guard. Shepard had chosen not to utilize her MECs, Titans or (and especially) her Colossi. She didn’t think that the Council would take kindly to her deploying war machines capable of annihilating whole cities (or continents) for some reason, Strange that.
Ert: Every single word in that sentence made me imagine a different violent death for Shepard and the Novus species as a whole. And of course things like those exist. Shepard probably masturbates to the thought of committing genocide.
Goeth: Also, Games Workshop is filing a lawsuit for copyright infringement.
The few camera drones recording the whole event nearly go ballistic over the variety of different races following Shepard and when one gets too close it is swatted out of the air by a Muton, who moved far faster than most of the observing C-Sec and Spectres would have thought possible.
Ert: Destruction of property, you are making a FUCKING ASTOUNDING impression Shepard. So what do you do if someone complains? Murder their entire family?
Nora: Assuming the city they’re from doesn’t get bombed.
Shepard walks up to the Councilors and says in perfect Thessian “Greetings I am Suzanne Shepard the representative of the Novus Humanity. I hope that peace will be maintained after these talks” Shepard extends her right hand.
Nora: Peace will be maintained so long as you do everything they tell you to and don’t complain when the Mutons break more things.
Goeth: And you pay protection money.
Meticulus recognizing the importance of the gesture extends his own right hand (Claw?)
Ert: I’M NOT THE FUCKING NARRATOR/WRITER! YOU FUCKING TELL ME! DO YOUR FUCKING JOB ASSHOLE! THIS FUCING PEOPEL!
and grasps Shepard’s lightly (not that she would notice since it was wrapped in armor)
and nods while replying “I am Meticulus Retria, the Turian Councilor. On behalf of my people and my government I would like to thank you for saving the ‘Light of Menae’ and her crew”
Nora: As a reward, we will now worship you forever.
Shepard smiles and nods back “No thanks are needed, it would have been beyond… Inhumane… for me to ignore innocents in danger. Such a stain on my honor and the honor of my people could never be erased”
Ert:…Amazing. Fucking amazing. She’s more concerned about her honor (Oh, Novus does the honor thing now, because Dragon was terrified that people might be more interested in the Elites again) than saving lives. Fuck. This. BITCH!
(Fuck Shepard Counter: 21)
With that Shepard breaks of the handshake and heads over to greet the Asari and Salarian Councilors. Meticulus stares at his hand for a second in thought ‘That single line says more about her people than a decade of talks ever will.
Goeth: It truly does. In more ways than this story will ever admit.
Nora: It’s sad almost. Like someone in an abusive relationship focusing on the positive aspects.
I am thankful that their honor made them save my people… but what will happen if… no when the Batarians get revenge. The death count will be astronomical’ Meticulus shivers under his plates.
Nora: I notice that people here know that the Batarians are going to pull something, but are doing nothing to stop them. Because only Novus is allowed to-oh you know the drill.
As Shepard and her Honor Guard head for the Council Chambers, in another part of the Galaxy a tragedy begins it sorrowful journey.
Ert: I’m half expecting Crawling in My Skin to start playing, that line was so groan worthy.
Asgard System, Alpha Cluster.
In the distant reaches of the Asgard System the Batarian Dreadnought Shalanaza drops back into Subluminal with a fleet of twenty five cruisers and eighty frigates following it. The Batarian Dreadnought’s captain Tso’Mal Mr’kan smiles as he looks at the images of the system known to the Humans as the Asgard System.
Ert: Ok. For the record, Humanity had two-hundred starships in Mass Effect, and they were considered to have been developing at an exceptionally fast rate. Carrying that over and seeing how much trouble the Alliance was giving the Hegemony, I estimate that the Hegemony is using half of the entire navy on this invasion. And the majority of it is light frigates. Because the Batarians are evil and stupid in the eyes of writers who can’t write a meaningful conflict to save their fucking life.
Tso’Mal simply nods to his helms officer, starting a chain of events that would be the nail that seals the lid on the coffin of the Batarian Species. A slightly dark irony in all of this is that Tso’Mal’s brother was Heddah Mr’kan the Batarian who ordered his ships to fire upon the ‘Light of Menae’ and the ‘Velara’.
Ert: Because the Batarians are evil and stupid in the eyes of writers who can’t write a meaningful conflict to save their fucking life.
Nora: This is disgusting. The way the author keeps talking about it. He can’t wait for the genocide of the Batarian species to happen. He’s so excited for it. He wants them to all die. It’s pathetic.
The Batarian fleet jumps once more to FTL, this time they are headed into the system bound for the planet of Terra Nova.
In orbit above Terra Nova a single CCS-Battlecruiser, the CYSV Sakura sits in orbit, surrounding it are three Phoenix-Class Colony Ships and two Hephaestus-Class Construction Tugs working on the orbital defenses for the newest colony of Novus Humanity.
Goeth: Well this is laughable. For all of the paranoid militarizing Novus has been doing, Terra Nova only has a single battlecruiser defending it.
Ert: The classic staple of the Gary Stu. In order for them to actually lose at something, the laundry list of special things they can do has to be ignored. So why fucking bother?
The Sakura’s crew, slightly over-confident due to over a century of peace that Novus Humanity had and due to being a fairly young crew with almost no experience, had disabled their long-range scanners due to the constant beeps and alerts of nearby FTL travel and were simply lounging around the bridge.
Ert: And they also come down with idiocy. “DUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, we just had a violent first contact with an alien species. TURNING THE SENSORS OFF!”
Goeth: Ten years of compulsory military service and this is what they get for it? By this logic, all of Novus should be poorly trained. But the author doesn’t get his jollies from that.
Suddenly their short range sensors start screaming as the Batarian fleet drops out of FTL right outside the 200,000 kilometer mark from the edge of Terra Nova’s atmosphere.
Ert: Shut up.
(I HAS NUMBERS Counter: 8)
The Batarians release a ‘Surrender or Die’ message which is immediately ignored, Humanity would never surrender.
Nora: Because pride/honor/will-power pick whichever buzz word you find works best at the moment.
Despite their relaxed and over-confident state the crew of the Sakura immediately launch into action. Their captain the heir of the Queen of the Yamamoto clan, Suki Yamamoto immediately sends out a request for help, while her crew scramble to their stations.
Ert: Oh, so that means that they’re going to be reinforced by a Halo right? Right? RIGHT!?
Goeth: And the loafers are suddenly combat ready. Because the all powerful entity known as the author has no further use for them acting like idiotic imbeciles and has allowed them to act intelligently again.
Within forty seconds of the fleet’s arrival the Sakura is fully combat ready, their fighters scramble out of the hanger bays like hornets from an agitated hive.
The sharp contours of the X-SCFV MK 6 Orion Space Fighter, based upon the ancient ‘Blackbird’ design,
Nora: Futurist space fighter looks like an aircraft designed in the 1960s. For reconnaissance. And only had 32 built. Twelve of which crashed. And whose design doesn’t match up with the bootlegged Covenant ships at all. Nor the bootlegged UNSC ships you’ve been using.
Ert: So, what does the author know the old SR-71 from? Call of Duty, X-Men or Transformers?
soar into position between the Batarian fleet and the world of Terra Nova. The Orion’s Yggdrasil MK 4 Fusion Lances mounted underneath the cockpit and on the edges of the wings silently roar into full readiness as their pilots prepare for what appears to be the first invasion of human territory in over a century.
Goeth: No no no no no no. Author? You’ve been forcing bad science down our throats from day one. You’re not getting away with this. What’s a fusion lance? Tell us what a fusion lance is author.
Nora: And for some reason, Dragon thought that the tree that held up the world in Norse mythology was a good name for a fighter mounted weapon. The author doesn’t know how mythological references work. And we’re back to Norse mythology for some reason.
Suki Yamamoto keeps a brave face as she watches the Batarian fleet soar towards her with shields raised and weapons primed, she’d gotten terrible news, no military vessels were within the three second charge range and the Alpha Halo Installation was in the middle of an overhaul and was unable to be used.
Ert: ONE JOB! YOU! HAD! ONE! FUCKING! JOB! And you know what REALLY pisses me the fuck off? The second level of charge on a Novus ship has a range of 17,500 light-years. Warp gates have a range of 25,000. WHY CAN’T THEY USE A FUCKING WARP GATE!? Because the greatest threat to Novus isn’t the Batarians, or the Reapers, or the Ethereals, IT’S DRAGON NOT REMEMBERING HOW TECHNOLOGY HE FUCKING MADE UP WORKS! That and the incompetence of Novus engineers and sailors. And don’t fucking tell me that the warp gate they lost was the one that covered this area.
It would be between two to three minutes before any reinforcements got here. Two minutes in which she had to hold the planet faced with a hundred and six to one odds. She silently prays over the Hive Mind, she knew as well as anyone else, even with the minor upgrades to Humanities shields, they had little chance of surviving. The Hive Mind responds with hope, even if they know the situation is grim they won’t give up.
Goeth: This is what Dragon has to do in order to have Novus be threatened. Have one of their smaller ships get ambushed by half of the Batarian navy, have the crew members of said small ship be idiots, have it coincidently take place the one week per year the Halo isn’t working, give that Halo that moronic flaw in the first place, glaze over the less powerful but equally effective warp gates, and place this colony over 10,000 lightyears away from the rest of Novus space for no adequately explored reason. That is nothing short of astounding.
As soon as the Batarian fleet enters within range of the Sakura’s Plasma Beams they are fired upon immediately. Six Frigates and a Cruiser are destroyed immediately as the newly upgraded Plasma Beams tears through the Batarian barriers and armor like rice paper.
Ert: Novus is threatened. They still rack up seven kills before the Batarians can even do anything.
-74 Frigates, 24 Cruisers, 1 Dreadnought VS 1 CCS-Battlecruiser, 80 X-SCFV MK 6s-
Nora: Oh goodie. Another story that just can’t follow traditional writing standards and adds in stupid bullshit. A freaking scoreboard.
The Batarians grit their teeth as they realize that if they fire upon the human ship at these ranges they’ll more than likely miss and hit the world full of ‘future slaves’ that they were planning on capturing.
Goeth: Can’t hit a kilometer long ship when it’s easily sniping your ships. And they’re supposed to be a credible threat.
Nora: The odds couldn’t be more stacked against Novus, and they’re still coming off as massive Stus and Sues.
They realize that they’ll have to simply endure the withering fire for another ten seconds before they are close enough to engage their Dreadnought’s main cannon, thirty seconds before they can reliably use their Cruiser weapons and forty seconds before their Frigates come into range.
Ert: Maybe you shouldn’t bunch up together, or have taken a better approach. It would’ve made more sense to fire from the side, so if you did miss it would just go off into space. Or above. Or below. BECAUSE YOU’RE IN FUCKING SPACE! But, then again, these are fan fiction Batarians. I guess I should just count my lucky stars none of them are raping anything right now.
The Sakura opens up upon the Batarian fleet once more, this time they have closed in enough for the Plasma Cannons to be used. In a flurry of superheated stellar material, a dozen Frigates are wiped from existence and five Cruisers join their Frigate brethren in oblivion. The Dreadnought’s barriers flare as several plasma bolts slam into them, weakening them by around thirty percent.
-62 Frigates, 19 Cruisers, 1 Dreadnought VS 1 CCS-Battlecruiser, 80 X-SCFV MK 6s-
Nora: Just for the record, Novus’ kill count is at around two dozen. A single ship was able to wipe out 10% of the Batarian Hegemony’s naval forces without taking a scratch. And we’re supposed to fear for them.
Two seconds later, seven seconds before the Dreadnought is in range the Sakura opens fire yet again. This time a staggering 28 Frigates are destroyed, but only two Cruisers and no damage is done to the Dreadnought.
-34 Frigates, 17 Cruisers, 1 Dreadnought VS 1 CCS-Battlecruiser, 80 X-SCFV MK 6s-
Nora: Ok, editing that last comment. A single ship was able to destroy a solid quarter of the Batarian navy without taking a scratch.
Another two seconds, five seconds to Dreadnought contact range. The Sakura fires it’s fourth salvo, Focusing on the Cruisers only 8 Frigates are destroyed, but 11 Cruisers are reduced to superheated slag. The Dreadnought yet again is not fired upon, the crew of the Sakura focusing upon the smaller vessels in an attempt to even up the numbers, are making a fatal tactical error. One that they and the Hive Mind are unaware of.
-26 Frigates, 6 Cruisers, 1 Dreadnought VS 1 CCS-Battlecruiser, 80 X-SCFV MK 6s-
Nora: Ok, I’m getting annoyed now. A grand total of 73 ships have been destroyed in this battle. Around 36% of all the ships the Batarians HAVE! The battle against SOVEREIGN didn’t go this badly! And he had Geth ships backing him up! Even if every last Novus head exploded right now, the Hegemony would’ve suffered unacceptable losses that would take at least a year to recover from. And they’re all still suicide charging Novus with their dicks out. Because the murder boners they have for Novus is matched only by the murder boner that Dragon has for them.
This time the gap is four seconds in order to transfer built up heat into heat sinks, The Sakura decides to wipe out as many Frigates as possible. 22 Frigates are annihilated, 1 Cruiser joins them and the Dreadnought takes a couple of Plasma Bolts, dropping its barrier integrity down to fifty-five percent from seventy-two percent.
4 Frigates, 5 Cruisers, 1 Dreadnought VS 1 CCS-Battlecruiser, 80 X-SCFV MK 6s-
Ert: Oh for the love of Christ, just fucking stop. You’re four ships away from an even hundred. That’s Dragon’s idea of a tense scene. Have the people who have no chance of survival cause more damage than the Reaper invasion of Earth did before the enemy even gets a chance to fire
Before the Sakura can fire again it comes into range of the Batarian Dreadnought’s main gun, The first shot wipes twenty-two percent of the Sakura’s shields away. The Dreadnought noticing the fighters launches its own
-120 Fighters, 4 Frigates, 5 Cruisers, 1 Dreadnought VS 1 CCS-Battlecruiser, 80 Fighters-
Goeth: Yeah no. You notice that it’s called a dreadnought and not a carrier? That’s because dreadnoughts don’t carry fighters. In fact, in the Mass Effect universe, Humanity is credited with being the ones who came up with the idea of carriers. You’d think Dragon would be all over another way to make Novus superior.
Ert: Not when it comes to cheap tension it seems.
The Sakura’s sensors are overwhelmed by the sudden fighter screen, as the fighters from both sides start to clash between the Sakura and the Batarian Fleet, the ‘Sakura’s weapons are rendered useless due to the fears of friendly fire due to heat backwash from the Plasma.
Goeth: It’s amazing how Novus is supposed to be battle hardened, yet they keep making the most simplistic of mistakes.
Nora: And those fighters weren’t helping, considering that they decided to just sit with their thumbs up their asses and not do anything until now.
The Batarian fleet makes a risky decision, they are worried about the fact that in the first three seconds of the fighter free for all, they lost forty fighters while the enemy only lost three.
Ert: Oh, of fucking course. Remember, this is a fight where Novus has little to no chances of survival. That’s why 80-90% of the invading forces are dead.
They make a nearly suicidal FTL jump to barely ten kilometers from the outer atmosphere of Terra Nova.
Nora: And they waited until after their fleet numbers had been reduced from a 106 to ten why?
To their surprise and terror the Sakura immediately makes a 180 degree turn within seconds. But they immediately open fire and start deploying their ground forces. Their first salvo drops the Sakura’s shields to a dangerous eight percent, the critically weakened shields take on a crimson tint and is visible even when not being attacked.
Goeth: Apparently the author is under the impression that shields would operate under video game rules.
Ert: Well, he’s had dumber ideas. And I’d like to know what kind of an invasion force they could stuff onto just ten ships. Even if one of them is a dreadnought. The Asari dreadnought Destiny Ascension had 10,000 people on board, but A. it was a special case B. it was clear that a lot of them were crew members and C. even then a few thousand soldiers isn’t a lot when invading an entire PLANET! Even if it is just a one city planet.
-80 Fighters, 4 Frigates, 5 Cruisers, 1 Dreadnought VS 1 CCS-Battlecruiser, 77 Fighters-
Terra Nova, Capital City.
On the walls of the Capital city of Terra Nova several dozen plasma turrets rise up and begin to pick off and landing craft that get too close to the city itself.
Ert: And the Batarians still have the will to fight after everything that’s happened.
A dozen twenty-one foot tall Titans come screaming from the gates of the Capital City, their plasma rifles, machine guns and Gatling guns joining in, in an attempt to help the turrets. But even with the concentration of firepower several Batarian landing craft touchdown in or near the city.
Nora: I think the Adeptus Mechanicus would take issue with their most prized treasures being used to defend a city of abhumans who willingly collaborate with aliens.
Goeth: By that, we mean they’d probably kill everyone who touched them.
In an instant Yuki, the AI of Terra Nova, activates the inner city defenses and suddenly what appeared to be interesting statues spread throughout the city become short range plasma turrets.
Ert: Yeah, all of this borderline fanatic military equipment, and no one could bother making it so that there were more orbital defenses. Or that the colony could be reached in a hurry
Nora: Novus’ intelligence is very situational.
Dozens of Batarian invaders are cut down by the turrets. As the battle for the Capital City rages a massive blast is heard and all of the combatants look to the sky as a wave of light flares up from the location of the Naval battle. Then the Novus gain grim expressions and start fighting ten times as hard and as vicious. They had all felt the deaths of their comrades in orbit.
Ert: Uh, yeah. Maybe show us what happens before you throw in something like that?
-80 Fighters, 4 Frigates, 5 Cruisers, 1 Dreadnought VS 1 CCS-Battlecruiser, 77 Fighters-
Nora: Hasn’t changed since the last time, I fail to see the purpose of this.
The Sakura immediately opens fire with a precise salvo that wipes out the Cruisers and drops the Dreadnought’s barriers. In response the Dreadnought and Frigates drops the Sakura’s shields in a burst of static energy and deals devastating blows to the Sakura’s mid-section, the shock-waves from the strike penetrating into the less resilient interior and causing massive damage to the control circuitry of the Sakura leaving its engines almost unresponsive.
The Fighter free for all start to wind down with only twenty-three Batarian Fighters and forty-two Human Fighters left.
-23 Fighters, 4 Frigates, 1 Dreadnought VS 1 CCS-Battlecruiser, 42 Fighters-
Ert: Glad to see humanity isn’t overpowered at all. You just have to sacrifice a 101 ships in order to destroy a single one of their frontline warships.
Goeth: Also, the numbers on the dogfight don’t add up at all. Before, over three dozen Batarian fighters were downed while Novus only lost three. Yet somehow, similar losses were dealt to the Batarians again, and the Novus fatality rate skyrocketed. It doesn’t add up.
The Sakura is pounded with another salvo of hyper-sonic kinetic rounds, this time the shock-waves score a fatal blow, they detonate a ten megaton nuclear warhead in the rear armory,
Ert: A ten megaton nuclear warhead that PROBABLY COULD’VE WON THEM THE FUCKING BATTLE! Four frigates and an unshielded dreadnought and you don’t use the NUEK YOU FUCKIGN HAVE YOU FUCKING MORONS!? WHAT HTEUF K IS WORNG WITH YOU PEOPEL!?
Nora: Smoking again.
the explosion blows a hundred meter wide hole in the rear starboard section of the Sakura the results of the explosion are the Sakura’s engines and Inertia Canceler are disabled. The severe jolt causes the Sakura’s engines to fire without being commanded, unable to maintain its orbit the Sakura slowly falls towards the planet. In a last act of defiance, the crew of the Sakura disable their heat safeties and launch a massive barrage of plasma bolts and beams at the Dreadnought, the Dreadnought is nearly bisected and also starts to fall into the atmosphere as it’s Mass Effect core fails.
Goeth: Slight edit to Ert’s last comment. You just have to sacrifice 102 ships.
The ‘head’ of the Sakura however pays the price, several dozen nuclear warheads stored within detonate and blows the front two hundred and fifty meters of the Sakura into hypersonic shrapnel which tears through two of the remaining Batarian Frigates.
Ert:….I fucking give up. More nukes that they could’ve used. But didn’t. Because they’re fucking morons. And they take out more Batarian ships as they go down, Because even when he wants to make Novus lose, the author needs to satisfy his Batarian hate boner.
Fatally wounded the Sakura and the Shalanaza fall towards the surface of Terra Nova. The Sakura while wreathed in the fire of an atmospheric re-entry survives mostly intact as it slams into the Nara mountain range two hundred and eleven kilometers north of the Capital (and only) City of Terra Nova.
Nora: The annoying thing about the numbers this author gives us is that they’re so infuriatingly precise. Like a freaking Vulcan is the narrator. We let it slide with the battle because it honestly did add things there, even if it was moving at a breakneck speed. Here though? Just comes off as pretentious. Again.
(I HAS NUMBERS Counter: 9)
However upon impact the destabilized Elerium core of the Sakura overloads and the central crystal weighing about ten grams is transformed into ten grams of Antimatter,
Goeth: Science is deeply disappointed in you Dragon. Deeply disappointed.
Ert: Yeah, whatever Elerium is, it isn’t freaking antimatter.
specifically Anti-Hydrogen. For a few seconds the Antimatter simply spreads out, then the laws of reality reassert themselves and it annihilates with the regular matter.
Goeth: Incorrect. It would have reacted the very second it came into contact with non-antimatter. This includes are particles. Therefore, it most likely would’ve been instantaneous
The blast is massive, the mid-section of the Sakura is instantly reduced to hypersonic shrapnel that is launched almost into orbit.
Nora: Yeah, we did a little research, and that much antimatter would be around the strength of 30 Little Boys. The author loves numbers so much, so let’s give him some.
Goeth: The maximum yield of the Little Boy was equivalent to 15 kilotons of TNT and a gram of antimatter has a yield three times greater than that, 45 kilotons, rounding up. Ten grams means we jump to 450 kilotons. That’s actually not a lot (And we inflated the numbers IN FAVOR of the antimatter) by today’s standards, and even this story’s standards. It was just stated that this ship had a ten megaton nuclear warhead (Not very impressive for a futuristic species, the USA developed warheads that strong in the 60s. Look at the Mk/B53). That’s 20 times stronger than this explosion. So why did the antimatter explosion do more than the nuclear warhead going off? And I know nuclear warheads can be less powerful if their explosive plates don’t all go off in unison, but the author didn’t clarify that.
Shards of Hyper-charged, destabilized Elerium rain down on Terra Nova, causing explosions similar in scale to twenty megaton nuclear weapons, only without the radioactive fallout.
Goeth: Considering that they’re probably similar in scale to the Elerium that leaked in the Sakura, I find these numbers laughable.
Ert: And what purpose does this serve? It just feels pornagraphic.
The Shalanaza slams into the planet nearly forty kilometers east of the Capital City, it ploughs a trench nearly eight kilometers long. It sits still for a split second and its surviving crew start to cheer for their good fortune.
Then its Element Zero core goes supercritical and blows the Shalanaza into shrapnel like the Sakura only not as damaging nor does it ascend as high into the atmosphere,\
Nora: Well that was anti-climatic. And this is getting a little sad. Even when it comes to the explosions of their ships causing collateral damage, Novus can’t be outdone.
Ert: If a Turian were to cut off his finger, Shepard would cut off her entire arm to up the ante.
however nearly a ton of Element Zero dust is launched into the atmosphere, luckily the prevailing winds are headed east, but in eight hours the Element Zero dust cloud would circle the planet and hit the capital city.
Ert: Yeah, it doesn’t work that way. It’s never explained in detail how dust clouds of Element Zero work, but when they affected Singapore, they blanketed the city. They didn’t circle around, nor affect other cities.
The Frigate’s crews were almost celebrating their victory,
Goeth: I’d like to know how brain damaged you have to be in order to be that badly devastated and even think of celebrating.
but before they even knew it the remaining Human Fighters supported by the Three Phoenix-Class Colony Ships opens fire upon the Two Frigates, blowing both to space debris, Element Zero dust and shrapnel within seconds.
Nora: Oh yeah. They were there. And did nothing. Why?
Ert: Because then things would make sense.
The Novus Defense Forces and civilians of Terra Nova drop to the ground as the Antimatter explosion occurs. Several dozen Batarians are blown to the ground from the shock wave, at least three die from the fall as they were several stories up at the time.
Goeth: So we’re just ignoring all of the other explosions and focusing on the weakest one?
Ert: And no Novus die because this story hates me.
Warning: Description of a Child’s Death
Ert: SPOILER WARNING!
The constant pulses of plasma weaponry fill the air, then the unthinkable happens. A Batarian assault squad captures a child, a young Sub-Royal Nymph that had yet to reach her Adolescent years. In their fear they tried to use the girl as a hostage, when it became apparent that the Novus wouldn’t bargain with them, the squad leader pulls out his combat knife and brutally slits the girl’s throat from ear to ear.
Warning: Description of a Child’s Death over.
Nora: So does anyone want to fill us in on how this actually happened? A sub-royal somehow managed to get captured by an undersized invasion force that was being utterly massacred by turrets and giant robots? Seriously, who the fuck dropped the ball here?
Ert: And the warning is utterly eye rolling. All of the constant WMD grade explosions going off everywhere and for some reason, this is where he draws the line?
Then, all Hell breaks loose.
Ert: Oh ONLY NOW!?
Citadel Council Chambers
Shepard had been keeping an ‘eye’ on the situation so to speak via the Psionic Hive Mind as she had been speaking with the Council, then the young girl was killed.
Ert: What the fuck is wrong with you Shepard!? The all out attack? The destruction of the Sakura? The assault on your city? The Element Zero dust cloud? You were perfectly fine with all of this, but you drew the line when one fucking child dies?
Nora: We might have been onto something when we talked about how the author thinks genocide is ok if you don’t target kids.
(Fuck Shepard Counter: 22)
Shepard falls to her knees, raises her head and releases a high pitch keen, a cry full of grief for the young girl. The rest of the Novus throughout the galaxy join in this cry, even the Nephilim, disgraced and exiled join in, they know what the keen means.
Goeth: Author, care to explain to us how the not!Novus know what’s going on when they’re not part of the hive mind anymore? Don’t just say that they do.
Shepard start to glow a violent violet
Nora: *Snort* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok, we got an entry for most unintentionally hilarious line here.
and the area around her begins to shudder as her sorrow is replaced by rage. With an inarticulate cry she releases a pulse of Psionic energy that forces every Batarian on the Citadel to be slowly torn apart in showers of gore and agony.
Nora: Well this is a good way to not start a diplomatic incident. Kill every last Batarian on the station.
Goeth: I wish they would just replace psionic with magic already.
(Fuck Shepard Counter: 23)
Shepard then stands up and in a voice that carries to every sentient in or around the Citadel mentally and physically states “Those monsters known as the Batarians have attacked one of our worlds and so I state as a Queen of the Novus.
Nora: Or something like that. The killed one kid, that’s the only thing that really matters.
That we will bring death and destruction to their worlds and leave only sorrow, ashes and lamentations behind us. Any who would stand with the Batarians will suffer the same fate”
The Councilors shiver at how cold and emotionless Shepard’s voice had become. Shepard turns to them and says “There will be no peace, until the Batarians have been wiped from this galaxy. I am afraid that these talks will be postponed until the war is over”
Ert: No seriously. You want to kill them? Down to the last man, woman and child? The slaves? The sick? The elderly? DO YOU FEEL LIKE A FUCKING HERO YET SHEPARD!?
Nora: Jesus fucking Christ, play the clip again.
Tevos in an act of insane bravery (or stupidity) cries out “Does it have to be war?”
Shepard merely looks back at her and states “Yes, do not get in our way” before she turns around and stalks out of the Council Chambers with her Honor Guard following.
Ert: I’m going to commit genocide because I said we’re nothing like the Ethereals, but I really want to kill Batarians so that makes it ok. Please get murdered Shepard. The galaxy will rejoice at your death.
The Batarians forces only took two seconds to regret their actions. The Novus had originally been retreating and slowly preparing for a counter attack, now they dropped all pretense of weakness and even without weapons charged the Batarians.
Nora: Enslaving other species? We were totally fine with that! But killing a single child is TOO FAR!
Ert: Five bucks says no one would’ve cared if it was a drone or alien child.
The Batarians did not even have a chance, within seconds they were overwhelmed and torn apart… literally. The Novus forces within ten minutes completely wiped out all Batarians on Terra Nova.
Ert: And they couldn’t have won without the berserker rage because something something something, author doesn’t know how tension works.
Without any delay the orbiting ships began to load up the population of Terra Nova as the world had been poisoned by the remnants of the Batarian fleet and would be uninhabitable to Novus for a few weeks before they terraformed it to clear out the Element Zero in the atmosphere.
Goeth: There is not enough Element Zero in ten starships to render an entire planet uninhabitable. And even if there was, it’s a moot point if you can fix it in a month.
At least, that’s what would happen in a time of peace, but even now, mere moments after the attack on Terra Nova the Novus prepared for war and their shipyards and forges were scrambling to create the Starships and weapons for the battles that would surely happen.
Nora: Because the penis compensating super carriers they have apparently aren’t enough.
What followed this dark day was a war that few would forget, billions died and few died without pain or instantly. The Council Races with the exception of the Krogan would never forget the following month, nor the atrocities that occurred during it.
Ert: At least the author has the guts to call what’s coming atrocities, but he pissed away any goodwill he might have earned with the Batarians being suicidal and downright fanatical in their hatred towards humanity, making them seem like crazed cult members. I still want Shepard to violently die though. Novus as a whole too. They seem a lot more evil than the Batarians have been presented.
The Batarians most definitely would not forget.
Goeth: Actually they would. Because they’d all be dead.
Ert: A kid died so an entire species needs to annihilated in retaliation. And when an Asari commits fraud, all of the Republics are put under economic embargo. Christ, fuck this story and everything it stands for.