1522: Professor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf – Chapter One

[We have a new guest riffer today!  Please give a warm welcome to The Wheel! – Lyle]

Title: Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf
Author: KingAurthr2
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter / Lord of the Rings
Genre: Mystery/Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by The Wheel

Hello! I’m The Wheel, and this is my first guest riff with the Library. I’m going to dissect a Harry Potter prequel fic about how Professor Lupin became a werewolf. Now, usually, these fan prequels are about Harry Potter’s parents, so a story about Remus Lupin is actually a nice change of pace. Unfortunately, this author is not a very good speller, and he makes a ton of canonical errors as well. So let’s get started.

Chapter 1 A Letter for Lupus

Once upon a time over 20 year ago professour Lupus was sit in his house he was only teenager now and he had not been made into the wearwolf yet.

Hoo boy. The very first sentence and he’s already misspelled three words, as well as using the wrong tense of “sit” and not using any punctuation. Also, it’s Professor Lupin, not Lupus. Lupus is a disease. It might just be a casualty of spell check, but if it is, it’s the only apparent use of a spellchecker in the entire story.

Furthermore, I’m pretty sure Remus Lupin became a werewolf long before he was a teenager. I think he was seven or eight.

He was bored and then a loud noise it was an owl in the cealing. Flap flap went owl and then he flewed down to prof. lupus and drop a leter off its claws into the lap. “I got a mail!” explaimed lupus and then he begun to taer open the letter.

No, Lupus, you didn’t “get a mail.” You got a letter IN the mail.

Inside was a letter and it was stamp with logo for Hogwrats Schoole of Wizardye and Witchcrafte it was a old logo so there was e on the end of all the words.

I admit Hogwarts was founded during an era where that would have been common, but times have changed and having e’s on the ends of words now just looks confusing.

Then lupus began to read and the letter sayed “hello prof. lupus you are ackepted into the schoole because you are wizard please come to the paltform nine three forty for get the train to school”

The letter said all that? Why is the letter talking? Is it a Howler? If Hogwarts sent Howlers to all its new students, Harry probably would have had a much easier time receiving his acceptance letter in Book 1, because it would have screamed out its message before Uncle Vernon had a chance to destroy it.

“Ok” said Lupus and he began to go London to get the train to Hogwrots. He decidied to get a bus to the train and he payed the old man 20p for the bus ticket (it was past so eberything is cheeper there).

I guess he didn’t ride on the Knight Bus, since he “payed” with Muggle money. Which raises the question: Is Lupin supposed to be a Pureblood or a Muggle-born in this story? He didn’t seem surprised at all to find out he was a wizard (although that may be because the author can’t convey characters’ emotions very well), which suggests that he is from a wizard family. But if he was from a wizard family, why would he ride the Muggle bus? And this story doesn’t tell us anything about Lupin’s parents or family, so there’s no way to tell.

On the bus there was Sauruman from Lord of ring he was also tenager because it was past.

And out of nowhere, we have a crossover!

Why are Lupin and Saruman both described as teenagers? First-year Hogwarts students are typically 11. Of course, I think Remus Lupin was a little older than most when he started… BUT THAT WAS BECAUSE THE SCHOOL WAS HESITANT ABOUT TAKING HIM IN DUE TO HIS BEING A WEREWOLF! HE WAS ALREADY A WEREWOLF WHEN HE STARTED SCHOOL! It looks as if this story will have him be attacked by a werewolf at school instead. The sad thing is, that’s the least of this story’s problems. The other canonical mistakes are even more jarring.

“Hello sarmuran are you going to Hogwrots aswell?” “yes I am prof. Lupus” “Ok” and so they satted toegther on bus.

Notice how the author doesn’t bother to make a new paragraph when there’s a new speaker. In fact, he doesn’t make separate paragraphs at all. Ever. In the original posting, this whole chapter was one huge wall of text. I’ve only separated it so I could comment on it.

Also: How do Remus and Saruman know each other? Why is Saruman even going to Hogwarts when he’s from Lord of the Rings? Why did he call Remus “professor” when Remus is a student? Come to think of it, the talking letter called him a professor too. The author must think “Professor” is part of the character’s name.

Well, that was Chapter 1. Trust me, the story gets even worse as it progresses.

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45 Comments on “1522: Professor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf – Chapter One”

  1. SC says:

    Wearwolf

    “I mean, Stacy, I just DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR. We need to go shopping, like, RIGHT now. Yeah, I know it’s a full moon, so what? I’m getting some cute new dresses, and that’s that. Anybody who gets in the way of me looking fabulous is gonna get eaten.”

  2. SC says:

    Hello, Mr./Mrs./Ms. (Circle one) Wheel! Lucky you showed up when you did, my car has a flat and the spare exploded due to [mumble mutter], so Auto Zone has a hit out on my head and I can’t risk going into town.

  3. SC says:

    he was only teenager now and he had not been made into the wearwolf yet.

    Wearwolf is an Adult-rank subclass branch unlock, you see. He’s about ten XP or so short.

  4. SC says:

    and it was stamp with logo for Hogwrats Schoole of Wizardye and Witchcrafte

    Ye Olde Tarzane Grammare was big issue back in day.

    • The Crowbar says:

      I would hope Hogwarts atleast keeps up with language, otherwise any student in the 21-st century wouldn’t even know what the letter said unless they knew the history of the English language.

      And let’s be fair, how many 11 year olds would ever be interested in the history of how languages evolve?

      Nobody would go to Hogwarts! Nobody would even KNOW about Hogwarts!

  5. SC says:

    hello prof. lupus you are ackepted into the schoole because you are wizard

    With hiring standards that low, is it any wonder that Voldemort was able to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of Quirrel’s head?

  6. SC says:

    On the bus there was Sauruman from Lord of ring

    GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE LUPIN

  7. The Crowbar says:

    Professor Lupus, HAHAHAHAHAH!

    And what’s exactly a wearwolf? Is it a form of werewolf that just drags itself around everywhere , doesn’t bother eating the victims and just looks at them, like “Life is pain.”?

  8. The Crowbar says:

    …Saruman in Hogwarts?

    So, uh… Is he gonna have a staff or wand?

  9. The Crowbar says:

    And this whole damn chapter is just one block of text? Damn, I’m glad you had the kindness to break it up for us!

  10. BatJamags says:

    Hello! I’m The Wheel, and this is my first guest riff with the Library.

    Have you completed the Initiation yet? Because I’ve got the glitter, the unicycle, and the iguanadon cookies on standby. Someone else will have to get the nitroglycerin and the… other materials.

  11. BatJamags says:

    Once upon a time over 20 year ago professour Lupus was sit in his house he was only teenager now and he had not been made into the wearwolf yet.

    Ow.

  12. BatJamags says:

    Furthermore, I’m pretty sure Remus Lupin became a werewolf long before he was a teenager. I think he was seven or eight.

    Much like this author seems to be, given…

    Flap flap went owl and then he flewed down to prof. lupus and drop a leter off its claws into the lap.

    Yeah, that.

  13. BatJamags says:

    Inside was a letter and it was stamp with logo for Hogwrats Schoole of Wizardye and Witchcrafte it was a old logo so there was e on the end of all the words.

    Methinks thou do not comprehend how ye olde Englishe worketh.

  14. BatJamags says:

    On the bus there was Sauruman from Lord of ring he was also tenager because it was past.

    *Begins posting table-flip picture*

    Wait…

    Sauruman? Like Saurian?

    Gumdrop, what are you doing in the fic?

  15. BatJamags says:

    because it was past.

    I’m confused. Is it the past?

  16. BatJamags says:

    “Hello sarmuran are you going to Hogwrots aswell?” “yes I am prof. Lupus” “Ok” and so they satted toegther on bus.

    Why is everyone calling him “professor?” He’s clearly not a professor yet.

  17. (although that may be because the author can’t convey characters’ emotions very well)

    Cain: Are you implying that the author can convey anything well?

  18. infinity421 says:

    Wearwolf

    Goddamnit.

  19. Andiliteman says:

    Wow. This is a train wreck so far. And nice to meet you, Wheel! You certainly chose a doozie for your first riff.
    Although, based upon the style and length of the first chapter, I bet a box of cookies that it’ll just go on like this for three or four more chapters before ending abruptly.

  20. The Wheel says:

    I’m glad you all like my riff. Thanks for welcoming me to the library!


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