1521: The Before time of Lock, Shock and Barrel – Chapter 2

Title: The Before time of Lock, Shock and Barrel
Author: Miyuki Kawaiinoda
Media: Film
Topic: Nightmare Before Christmas
Genre: Romance/Drama
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat



Hello, dear Patrons!

Welcome back to another chapter of this confusing little fic. In the last chapter we were regaled with Lock’s back story, which boils down to “psycho fangirls be cray-cray”, but supposedly Lock, Shock, and Barrel didn’t know each other in life so I have no idea if anything from the first chapter will even carry over into this one.

WOW! I didn’t think that many ppl liked this movie…….. KOOLIO!!!!!!!!!

Clearly you’ve never been to Hot Topic or Spencer’s, those places are stuffed with NBC merch. I blame the emo kids.

Well here it is the next part. Sorry it took so long, I’m starting my senior year in High School sooooooo time is scarce!

I’d say you should spend more time studying, but teenagers aren’t really known for having excellent time management skills.

A little over view, takes place in France, around the same time as Lock’s story did only Shock is a little older,


This isn’t an “over view”, you’re trying to establish the setting! In your Author’s Note!

:spritzes author with water bottle:

No! Bad author!

angst a lot of angst in this on and again


Ghostie gonna have to start drinking early today.

I warn you OOCness I supposed to be here cause of the fact that their still alive.

That’s how the author hand-waves the character’s OOC-ness, because they are alive instead of dead?

I have to say, that’s a new one for me. It is rare to get any explanation at all, typically we don’t get anything beyond “because I said so, that’s why!”

Oh yeah btw, anyone care to Beta-read my stories? I need help.

The author doesn’t have a beta reader? I’m shocked, I am.

Anywho…. ON WITH THE SHOW!!!



If we must.

 She held her head up and walked past a troupe of Gypsies waiting near the bakers stand .

There was a brief reference to gypsies in the first chapter, when Lock’s girlfriend Savanna dressed as one for Halloween. That’s not a bad attempt to connect the two, but I thought the author wasn’t going to do that.

She was of a somewhat prominent family in Paris.

According to the Author’s Note, which shouldn’t be counted as part of the fic, this takes place during roughly the same time period as Lock’s, so that would be late 1692 or close to it. Young women from prominent families did not walk around by themselves during this time period because that was an excellent way to be mistaken for a prostitute and/or gang-raped in a filthy alleyway.

Her name was Shock LeBeau.

Because “Shock” is an extremely common name for girls in 17th century France.

19 and reaching marring age,


she had her eyes set on one of the Judges guards, a Mr. Victor LeVou.

Well, it sucks that she’s from a “somewhat prominent” family, then. Her father probably won’t consent to her marrying a poor gendarme. Marrying (or “marring”) for love is a modern concept; for most of history, marriage was seen as a business deal and was typically brokered through the girl’s father for the benefit of the family.

She was going there now to bring him a small basket of lunch.

Helpfully provided by the Generic Food Dept of the PCC.

She stepped past the cathedral Notre Dame and headed toward the Palace of justice.

The  Palais de Justice was previously known as Palais de la Cité, which is what I think it would have been called during this time period.

She smiled at the front guard and made her way up towards the back halls.

You know, when a place has guards posted somewhere those guards are typically there to prevent people from wandering in from off the streets.

I’m not very familiar with this particular building, and the author isn’t very good at describing things, but luckily I have access to the Intertubez!

…It’s a pity I don’t speak French. I think she’s somewhere in one of those little square bits near the rounded bit at the middle bottom?

 She waved at him from the entrance to the North Wing corridor, he came towards her and swept her into his arms.
“Ahh, my dear shock, I have been hoping you would come.” He kissed her on the neck.

She’s being awfully familiar with Random Guard. I thought she was in love with Victor Whatshisname?

 She laughed, “Victor remember where we are. I have brought you something.” She handed him the basket.

Ooh, that is Victor. Sorry, it was very confusing.

 “Ahhh your cooking makes guarding this drafty hallway bearable.

Young women from prominent families don’t cook; they learn how to organize menus and manage the servants, who do the cooking for them.

Now my love you must leave before the Judge sees you, he is not kind to visitors.”

Even if that visitor is a member of a prominent family, which I assume means Shock’s father has some degree of power or influence?

He drew her once again into his arms and with a a parting kiss left back to his post.

He left his post to grab a quick smooch? The Judge has terrible taste in guards. It’s like he wants an assassin to sneak in and stab him.

Shock sighed and headed towards her families home, her best friend Monique was waiting for her.

Any particular reason why I should care?

 “So I see you went to see that slime of a man Victor.” She huffed.

Did Monique go to see Victor, too? This guy must be pretty popular.

 “What do you mean slime?” Shock had never heard her talk like that about Victor, “Did he tell you something offensive?”

Did he :gasp!: use the word “leg” instead of “limb”? How scandalous!

 “No Shock it was what he DID that was wrong not what he has said, I should really not have even mentioned it, but being the friend that I am I need to tell you.”

You don’t really sound like a friend, you sound like a nosy parker who can’t wait to spring some bad news on someone.

 Shock looked at Monique, “What did he do?”

Plot to overthrow the monarchy? Because he’s jumping the gun – or in this case, the guillotine – by a few decades.

 “Oh Shock it was so awful! I was walking down towards The Palace of Justice when I heard someone laughing and then a giggle.”

Public merriment is apparently a serious problem in 17th century France.

 “So? What does this have to do with me? You know very well what goes on in those dark alcoves Moni.”

Well-bred girls do not know what goes on in dark alcoves; well-bred girls of this time period know as much about sex as a duck knows about particle physics.

 “Yes, but when they stepped out I saw who it was…It was Victor and Delphine.

Am I supposed to know who Delphine is?

She had her arm around him and he was grabbing her waist. He leaned over and whispered something into her ear. She giggled and the headed towards a near by in.

Delphine must be one of the local prostitutes.

I thought they were drunk and that would explain things but the were sober.”

Oh, that’s just his masculine appetites. He’s expected to indulge in them, it’s very manly and doesn’t have any significance.

“Moni are you sure the light wasn’t playing tricks on you?”

“I mean, I thought Victor had better taste than that; everyone knows Delphine is as swaybacked as an old mule.”

 ‘Positive. Look it’s not my fault if you don’t believe me, but ask him yourself!” She turned around and hurried down the street.

Oh, she is just itching to tell everyone she knows the latest bit of gossip.

 “I will!” Shock yelled, “and I hope to prove you wrong dear friend.” She stepped into her house and locked the door.

Ummm … Victor’s not in your house. He’s back at the Palais. Probably.


I assume that’s a scene break of some sort?

 Shock walked towards the Palace of Justice. She had promised Victor she would walk with him to the morning mass.

And they decided to meet up at his job because … reasons? He can’t still be at work. He was there at lunch time, which would be in the afternoon, and while I’m not Catholic I’ve gotten the impression that morning Mass starts very early in the morning. That would be a very long shift.

When she arrived at the door she noticed a small crowd lingering near the door.
‘Wonder what’s going on.’

Dark alcove orgy.

 “HE’S DEAD!!!” the shout rang out, “THE GUARD HAS BEEN KILLED!!! IT’S A CURSE!!!”

Gee, I wonder which guard died?

 a gasp went through the crowd and Shock fought to get to the front of the line.

The crowd spontaneously formed an orderly line just to thwart her.

There lying on the ground, a look of abject horror on his face, was Victor.

Much shock. So surprised.

Shock fainted the last echoes in her head were, “It was her, she cursed him and I know how…”

I think Shock might be hearing voices. I wonder if they told her to kill her cheating boyfriend?


Is this going to be a regular thing now?

 Shock awoke later that day in the room of the nearby inn The Skull and Talon.

That’s a pretty gruesome name for a public house, it must be in the really bad section of Paris.

How does she know where she is? Has she been in this particular room before? I imagine that, like modern hotel rooms, most inn rooms look very much alike to a casual observer. It’s not like they place would have personalized pillowcases or something.

She rubbed her forehead to get rid of the mild throbbing that had appeared there. A knock on the door only made the pain grow. She mumbled come in.

Instead of being even the least bit curious as to why she’s in an inn and not laying on the curb outside the Palais.

 The door openly slowly and the Judge Duvont stepped in. He closed the door behind. His face was set stone cold, no emotion shown. His dull gray eyes looked at Shock.

I have no idea who this is or if this is any different from how he normally looks.

 “What is your name girl?”

“Shock LeBeau.” She answered sternly.

“What is your age?”

“19 years.”

And what is your favorite color?

 “Do you know anything about the happenings this past night?”

If she does, she knows more than we do. And I thought it was morning?

 Shock looked at him, a bit confused. What did he mean and what about Victor. “Oh your honor, what about my Victor. It’s not true is it? Please let him be alive..! please.” She sunk back into the bed. “Please,” she sobbed.

I also find myself very confused by this series of events. The wonky grammar isn’t helping things.

 The Judge looked at her, “You should know if it is true or not, you were the one who killed the guard.”

If that’s what you believe, then why is she in a privately owned inn and not locked in a cell somewhere? It’s almost like this is a set-up so you can have your wicked way with her.

 Shock looked up, “No I would-how could-I WOULD NEVER HARM HIM!”

Welp, I’m convinced. Guilty people never make claims of innocence.

 “You were the last person to see him alive, you gave him a meal.

He’s a guard in a public building that people are apparently allowed to wander through whenever they please and she was the last person to see him? That would have been hours ago!

It very simple for a woman to slip a bit of poison into the yeast of rising bread.”

I don’t think you understand how bread is made, dude. Bread rises because it has yeast in it, so you wouldn’t add yeast to already rising bread.

 “I did murder Victor. You have no proof.”

Except for the fact that you just confessed to a judge.

This is why proof-reading is your friend, author.

 “I’m afraid I do, two witnesses that say they saw you baking and saw you slip something into the yeast.

I’m thinking that you very much do not understand how baking works.

Before yeast became commercially available the easiest ways to get yeast is to either use what we would probably call a sourdough starter (a slurry of flour, water, and natural yeast that was often obtained from brewer’s wort; any amount taken out for baking is replaced with an equal volume of flour and water) or to save over a bit of unbaked dough from the previous batch and use that as your source of yeast. If she added poison to the yeast, then she would have poisoned every loaf made with that dough, and there would likely have been multiple loaves given the effort and resources it took to make bread, and potentially every future loaf made with that yeast source.

Something from a small black vile.

This is why you have to proofread for content and as well as spelling errors.

Where did these accusations of poison come from? I thought the guard was supposedly cursed to death? That’s what they were screaming about before Shock passed out.

Tell me did you plan to murder me as well,.


Two different forms of punctuation and neither one is correct.

For that it’s the only reason that I can find as to why you would want to waste the life of a mere guard.”

Someone thinks very highly of themselves. You didn’t even know the girl’s name, so why would she have a motive to kill you? Poisoning someone’s food is an intimate act; the poisoner has to have the assurance that her victim would accept the food without questioning it.

 She stood from the bed, a bit wobbly still, ‘Your honor, I am n murderer. That vile was a bit of cinnamon that I add to the bread for flavor. It was not poison.”

Technically it is a toxin; true cinnamon contains large amounts of coumarin, which is known to cause liver and kidney damage. It would take a sizable amount of cinnamon to immediately cause someone’s death, though, far more than you would typically use. Not even CinnABon uses that much cinnamon.

 “Lying wench! GUARDS!” Two armored men walked in, “Arrest her.”

“WHAT!? I am innocent! I have done nothing wrong!”

“You are under arrest,” The guard began “For the attempted murder of Judge Duvont.”

But not for the actual murder of the guy who actually died? Did they forget about him?

They carried her to the Palace of Justice, shock fighting the whole way. “Move along!” The guards called, “Make way for the Prisoner.”

I’m so glad they went to the inn first, rather than taking the suspected poisoner directly to the dungeons. That really padded added to the fic.



 They through her into a cell. “You will wait here till your execution.”

“What about my trial!!!”

Looks like that little interrogation by the judge was your trial.

“we have enough evidence to prove that your guilty, a trial would simply delay the inevitable.” They walked away, slamming the door shut.

I don’t think Random Guard understands the purpose of a trial.

As the sound echoed through the cells, Shock leaned her head against the wall, tears falling freely from her eyes. “What happened, I’m innocent!!! I swear I’m innocent.” She wailed, “Please believe me!!!”

You’re going to need more than just a protestation of innocence, honey. You’re supposed to be from a prominent family; demand to speak with your father! Offer money if someone will go get him, that would probably do the trick. Prisoners frequently bribed guards for special privileges.

“they won’t hear nor listen to you child.” A grizzled voice spoke from a few cells down. “They do what they want. Judge Duvont is paranoid that the whole world is out to get him. What is your name child?”

That’s where the whole “offer the guards a bribe” thing factors in. Money can make people listen to you.

 Shock sniffed, “Shock LeBeau, and who am I speaking to?”

“Ahhhh, does my accent not give me away, I am from England.

I bet they lived on Main Street in beautiful downtown English City, England.

My name is Jonathan Hale.

The Canadian film star from the 1940s and 1950s?

I was arrested four years ago for suspected espionage. I have been waiting since for my trial.

Something tells me you’re not going to get a trial if you’ve been there that long, but you probably will now that Shock is here. You’ll probably get executed where she can watch yet do nothing, because that’s similar to what happened in the first chapter.

But you my dear, well you may not survive the month. Be careful of what you do and what you say.”

Huh. That’s odd echo of the first chapter. Lock spent a month moping around under house arrest before his girlfriend was hanged and he finally broke out and did something.

 Shock nodded, even though she knew that the man could not see her.


She turned towards the window, the sunset light filtering through. How she wished she was back home.

Wow, she rates a cell with a window? She must be very high status indeed. I would assume that it’s a very tiny window set high up on the wall and she can’t actually see through it since she’s not screaming or trying to attract the attention of passersby.


:kicks desk:

 It had been two weeks and still now word from any one.

Her prominent family hasn’t searched for her? They must not like her very much.

Jonathan had finally gotten the trial he had been waiting for, and the execution that went with it.

Called that one.

Shock placed her tear and dirt stained face into her blackened hands.

She sure is broken up by the death of that guy who said something to her that one time.

Her once beautiful hair was tangled and matted.

And this ties in to Jonathan’s death in some way?

She wiped a non-existent tear from her cheek, it had become habit, when the door to the dungeon opened.

Her face is tear-stained, but her tears don’t exist?

I think Shock done broked physics.

She heard the click of heels and the swish of a long skirt. The figure stopped in front of her cell. She looked up.

:stares into Void:

I can feel it staring back at me, but I can’t see any figures anywhere.

A young girl with newly tanned skin and long dark hair in a plait.

Must be a field hand or someone equally poor; a pasty, pale complexion was considered the height of beauty, because it meant you could afford to stay indoors rather than toiling in the sun like a common laborer.

“Well,” the girl began, ” It seems that the little pig has finally found her rightfull place. You look so perfect in the muck and filth.”

She has it pretty good, as far as 17th century prisons go. She has her own private cell with a window and isn’t crammed into a dank closet with a dozen syphilic prostitutes.

‘Who are you?’ shock asked.

If I had to guess, I’d say it’s that tart Delphine who was seen canoodling with Victor. I bet she’s the real murderer.

“My name is Delphine MarVon, if I had been you I would have listened to your friend.

Called it!

She was only trying to warn you. But being as pigheaded as you are, you refused her advice.

Monique didn’t warn Shock, or give her advice. She just gossiped about seeing Victor and Delphine pawing each other and then going to an inn.

Well you should remember me.

Should she? There’s been no indication that the two have ever met before.

I was to be wed to your Victor LeVou. That is until he met you. He forgot about me, and focused on you and you alone!!!”

Shock probably has a better dowry.

You voice was beginning to rise and had the edge of bitterness.

My what is doing what? When did this become a Reader fic and why did I turn into Delphine?

” a few weeks ago I decided to try my luck with him once more.

And how that work out for you?

But it seems he only saw me as a fling. A little whore, if you will.

Much shock. So surprised.

So I decided that both of you had to pay for my unhappiness.” She drew closer a malicious smile spread across her face. ‘

Hell hath no fury like an Awesome McEvil scorned.

So I bribed a friend of mine to help me. We came up with a story that fit, I made sure that your friend saw me with someone she thought to be Victor.

Why did Delphine need to find a friend that looked like Victor? I thought the two of them were having an affair, so she could have just made a booty call to Victor. Bringing in a lookalike means Victor could have had an easily verifiable alibi for the time he was supposedly seen with Delphine.

Then I slipt poison into some food I brought victor before morning. An di made sure you were blamed.’

By waiting for a day when Shock was the last person seen with Victor and then managing to sneak herself and some food into a heavily guarded building without anyone seeing her? Seems like there would be an awful lot of variables that she would have to be able to control – or at least reliably predict – in order to execute this plan flawlessly.

 “But the Judge has me in here for treason as he calls it.”

Which is weird since “treason” is the betrayal of your country, typically characterized by attempting to assassinate a ruler or overthrow the government. Poisoning a local judge in neither of those things.

 “Yes I said that the food was meant for him, and that Victor sensing something wrong took the food and died saving his life.

Victor heroically ate food he suspected was poisoned rather than just throwing it away? Wow, what an idiot.

Well my dear, your sentence has been decided. Tomorrow you will die, by burning.

Why isn’t she being beheaded? That was the standard punishment of the time. Burning was a death typically reserved for heretics, or those convicted of “sinful sexual transgressions” I. e. homosexuality or incest.

Avoire, mes amie.” She laughed and turned towards the stairs and the door.

I assume that’s meant to be “Au revoir, mes ami“, which is butchered French for “Goodbye, my [plural] friend”. The singular  form for “my friend” is “mon ami”.

Shock watched her leave. She was innocent, and that woman had framed her out of jealousy.

I think we got that, thanks.

No one believed her, she looked out of her window.


So instead of having the very small and inaccessible window that you would expect to find in a dungeon, she has one that she can stare soulfully out of. I bet she can even watch them building her funeral pyre.

She saw the stage being built and the pyre being prepared. Delphine was not lying, she was to be burned at the stake. She sobbed and fell to the floor a crumpled heap of lost hope.




What a useless waste of skin.

Lock had the same problem, they both just passively accepted their situations and did absolutely nothing but sigh dramatically and stare out their respective windows. This does not make me sympathize with their terrible plights, it makes me want to kick their frickin’ asses until they DO SOMETHING!


:kicks desk repeatedly:

The guards brought her up to the scaffold tying her to the stake. They placed bundles of kindling around her ankles and up to her knees. Judge Duvont walked up with a torch and addressed the gathering crowd.

“I hope everyone brought their own marshmallows, because I’m not sharing!”

 “The girl know as Shock LeBeau has been accused of attempted murder and treason.

She’s still charged with only attempted murder instead of actual murder even though it was the body of her lover, Victor the Dumbass, that kicked off this whole thing?

Did the author seriously forget about the dead boyfriend?

She has refused to plead guilty and as such must be punished. May the Lord have Mercy on her soul.” He dropped the torch onto the kindling, it slowly grew into a blaze.


Someone has a gross misunderstanding of how the law works. You don’t punish someone for refusing to plead guilty, you have a trial and if they are found guilty then that person is sentenced to whatever punishment is deemed appropriate regardless of if they say they are guilty or not. This whole scenario is just very odd; if she was being accused of heresy or witchcraft it would almost make sense, but not for something like murder or treason.

 Shock was choking on the smoke, the stoic face of the Judge beginning to ripple with the waves of heat coming from the constantly fed blaze. She felt the skin on her legs begin to burn with pain as the fire grew stronger and began to climb her robes.

Burning with pain instead of literally burning with the fire that now surrounds her?

She gasped in pain and choked on the bile rising in her throat. White hot irons seemed to be pressing everywhere, everything was white as the pain drew closer to to her head.

Yeah, no – she should be dead from smoke inhalation well before the flames reach her head. Even if by some miracle the fire wasn’t producing smoke (which it is because she coughed on some only seconds before) a fire consumes massive amounts of oxygen, something people kind of need to remain not-dead. There’s also heatstroke, which can be fatal, and something called “thermal decomposition”; essentially the vital organs are cooked by the radiant heat and cease to function. She should be dead many times over.

She looked up at the sky, her eyes sightless from pain.

From pain and smoke and possibly hypovolemia.

“She was screaming and her throat was raw by know.

Hello, random quotation mark! We can give you a good home in the Spare Punctuation Box!

Wait, was part of this meant to be dialogue? :scrolls back up: I can’t tell.

She looked at the smoke floating above her, she gasped for air.

Smoke she can’t see because she’s “blind with pain” and she just turned her lungs into charcoal briquettes.

“God will save the innocent” she heard in her mind.

Which is exactly the same phrase Lock’s girlfriend mouthed before she was hanged.


Meh. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

As she let go of her mortal barrings she saw a grinning face and went towards it as she heard the Judge scream, ” THE TRAITOR HAS BREATHED HER LAST!”

Weird how he knows exactly when she dies down to the second when she should have passed out from various causes ages before actually dying. It’d also be pretty difficult to tell if she was still breathing, considering all the smoke and frickin’ fire blocking his view.


:grumbles ominously in Japanese:

 OMG!!! heheh sorry I took so long to post this, I had band and S.A.T’s to deal with. -_-; Oh well.

:insert obligatory “you’re not obligated to post on a set schedule” lecture here:

Hopefully this part didn’t royally suck.

Not royally; Le Roi Soleil didn’t make an appearance in the fic.

I used fire to explain why Shock’s hair is so stringy and curly . To me it looks like burnt hair.

As someone with naturally curly hair, I feel vaguely insulted by that.

So whose next… Barrel.

Well, logically it would make sense. You’re telling the back story of three characters and have already covered two. He’s the only one left at this point.

Mwahaha I have good plans for Barrel.

I’ve looked through the chapter and … not so much.

So far no one knows who this mysterious person is.

Because vague descriptions are vague. It could be Oogie Boogie, it could be Jack, or it could be the vengeful shade of Bea Arthur.

 Maybe one good guess…. n_n

…I’m kind of hoping it’s the vengeful shade of Bea Arthur. That’d be a legitimate twist ending. There’s only one chapter left, so if there’s going to be a big reveal it had better happen soon.


55 Comments on “1521: The Before time of Lock, Shock and Barrel – Chapter 2”

  1. SC says:


    *SC is blasted bodily from his seat and sent flying out into the hall*

    Ow. Stupid fucking acoustic shockwaves…

  2. SC says:

    takes place in France

    Mon Dieu.

  3. BatJamags says:

    Her name was Shock LeBeau.

    Because “Shock” is an extremely common name for girls in 17th century France.

    “Lock” wouldn’t have been a terribly common given name in 17th century America, either, for that matter. “Locke” as a surname, maybe, but not “Lock.”

    And “LeBeau” means “TheBeautiful.” And it’s the masculine form of beautiful. This is why you don’t try to write languages you don’t know. If the author went for Shoque la Belle, I might give them that, since it at least sounds like a French name, but it’s still total bullshit.

    • GhostCat says:

      I let Lock’s name slide because it could have been a nickname or family name or something, but this is just … Why?

    • SC says:

      They might be kind of generic, but at least the Specs and Co. members that I’ve given real names to (and who live in actual countries, unlike Glasses, Contacts, Book Specs and Monocle) have names that actually make sense.

      Bifocals is Heidi von Kaiser, Shades has been repeatedly identified as Marina Deckard, and Sports Shades is Jun Takahashi.

      And even that is still more work than the author put in for Shock.

      • GhostCat says:

        I was a bit lazy when it came to naming the ninjas – primarily because I didn’t really plan on having a horde of ninja minions, it just sort of happened. Ishi-sensei, Shinobi-san, and Kanai-san all have names associated with their roles; Ishi is derived from “doctor”, Shinobi of course means “ninja”, and Kanai is a term for “my wife”.

      • SC says:

        I remember one character who I just gave a random name to because I couldn’t be assed to actually put any thought into it at the time, and it ended up turning out to be a really meaningful name by accident.

        Wish I could remember what that name was, though!

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        I don’t believe in giving characters “meaningful” names because in the real world names don’t usually turn out to be meaningful (Ironically, by shear coincidence my own actually did, but whatever). I’ve used census data and random number generators in the past, as well as mixing and matching names from film/game credits and various university rosters. Since humans are a minority of the characters I use, I typically end up developing a procedural structure (‘algorithm’ is a bit generous) for their various naming conventions, picking from phonemes and structures already common in their languages.

      • SC says:

        There are some names I’ve come up with that are just names I saw in video games or comics or wherever that I thought were cool and eeever so slightly adjusted.

        Lukaim should be the biggest red flag. What’s the name of the main protagonist of Lost Odyssey?

        • GhostCat says:

          Syl’s full name is Slyph Maledetto; a sylph is an ethereal spirit usually associated with air, and “maledetto” is Italian for “cursed” or “damned” – because subtle naming is subtle.

      • BatJamags says:

        Generally, I pick names that just sort of flow well and have the right feel to them, then panic and try to figure out if I’ve accidentally used a real person’s (or existing character’s) name.

      • AdmiralSakai says:

        Syl’s full name is Slyph Maledetto; a sylph is an ethereal spirit usually associated with air, and “maledetto” is Italian for “cursed” or “damned” – because subtle naming is subtle.

        Alright then! Silph Male-Ditto she shall be!

      • Syl says:

        Not recently, but there was this one time in summer camp.

      • Cain Dwight came about from Cain sounding nice and Dwight be random. Dakota Dighe is from around 3 years ago in The Sims Freeplay. Alexandria “Goddess” Dominguez and her former squad come from XCOM: Enemy Unknown. Sem K’Latis and her crew come from FTL: Faster Than Light. Julian and John, Agent [GREY] and DuFresne’s first names, were the first thing to pop into my head at the time.

  4. SC says:

    Her name was Shock LeBeau.

    So I don’t know if it’s readily apparent or not by this point, but naming characters is something I quite enjoy, and the lack of originality here somewhat offends me.

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Well here it is the next part. Sorry it took so long, I’m starting my senior year in High School sooooooo time is scarce!

    This was written by a senior in high school?! I’d pegged the author of this thing at 13, max.

    This says some pretty frightening things about the education system.

  6. BatJamags says:

    “What do you mean slime?” Shock had never heard her talk like that about Victor, “Did he tell you something offensive?”

    Monique Well, he wrote A Jedi’s Destiny, for one thing.

  7. AdmiralSakai says:

    Her name was Shock LeBeau.

    Is… is that supposed to sound like sacrebleu?

    • BatJamags says:

      I think either the author mashed what French words they knew together and hoped it made a name, or was deliberately going for “the Beautiful,” and ended up with TheHandsome instead.

  8. BatJamags says:

    And what is your favorite color?

    Teal, no, yellow!


  9. BatJamags says:

    They through her into a cell. “You will wait here till your execution.”

    Well, hm. I’m not used to threw/through getting messed up like this.

    Does this mean she went through the cell and out the other side?

  10. BatJamags says:

    “Ahhhh, does my accent not give me away, I am from England.

    So… your name is Englishman?

  11. SC says:

    “The girl know as Shock LeBeau has been accused of attempted murder and treason. She has refused to plead guilty and as such must be punished. May the Lord have Mercy on her soul.”

    Wow, cool your tits there, Frollo.

  12. BatJamags says:

    Delphine MarVon

    Oh, now you’re not even trying. “MarVon?” “MARVON?!”

    *Flips off fic*

  13. BatJamags says:

    My what is doing what? When did this become a Reader fic and why did I turn into Delphine?


  14. BatJamags says:

    Much shock. So surprised.

    I see what you did there.

  15. AdmiralSakai says:

    Her prominent family hasn’t searched for her? They must not like her very much.

    Considering her behavior so far, I’m really not surprised.

  16. BatJamags says:

    Avoire, mes amie.”

    Did you not even bother to google translate that? You’re looking for “Au revoir, ma amie.”

    • GhostCat says:

      It’s not “mon ami”? That’s what came up when I looked up “my friend”.

      • SC says:

        Unfortunately, gotta call Bat to the carpet here. It’s “Mon ami(e).” French doesn’t like two words that both end in vowels to stand together, so while it should be “Ma ami(e)” in accordance with French masculine/feminine grammar, the fact that both words end in vowels makes it incorrect.

      • BatJamags says:

        Ah. Yeah, “ami” masculine, while “amie” is feminine. It’s been a while since I’ve taken French, so I knew “ma amie” didn’t quite sound right, but I wasn’t sure how to correct it. Still, I think we can all agree that Shock TheHandsome is not multiple people.

      • BatJamags says:

        Oh, and “avoire,” means “to have,” so make of that what you will.

  17. SC says:

    Her prominent family hasn’t searched for her? They must not like her very much.

    I’m sensing some pretty shitty internal familial politics at play, here.

  18. AdmiralSakai says:

    She heard the click of heels and the swish of a long skirt. The figure stopped in front of her cell. She looked up.

    Weren’t high heels that click a modern invention?

    • GhostCat says:

      High heels trace back pretty far, court shoes worn by both men and women in the 17th – 18th century had pretty high heels, but these aren’t described as being high heels – just that the heels click. That could be from whatever material makes up the sole, so in theory she could be wearing a pair of hobnail boots.

  19. AdmiralSakai says:

    I used fire to explain why Shock’s hair is so stringy and curly . To me it looks like burnt hair.

    As someone with naturally curly hair, I feel vaguely insulted by that.

    Oh, you’re gonna love Crappypasta Hour some unspecified several months form now, then…

  20. "Lyle" says:

    Oh yeah btw, anyone care to Beta-read my stories? I need help.

    If you know you need help, get it before you post another pile of word vomit.

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