1515: 101 Recipes for Blending Canons! – Chapters 6-9Posted: August 27, 2016
Title: Spyro the Hedgehog Hearts Sun Bros. Brawl (a.k.a. element)
Media: Video Game(s)
Topic: …A lot of them
Genre: I dunno, “Clusterfuck?”
Critiqued by SC and Sports Shades
As you can see, this fic leaves little in the way of me taking it seriously.
Sports Shades: No kidding.
…By the way, I was gonna have your evil twin be here so I could put that whole deal to bed, but he never showed up.
Sports Shades: Oh, you mean that guy?
*Sports Shades points to a thoroughly eviscerated corpse*
Sports Shades: Yeah, he bumped into me on the way here and made the mistake of challenging me to a duel because he thought I besmirched his honor. That didn’t go so hot for him.
…Well, nuts to that plan, then.
So, hello, and welcome back to SpyroSpyro’s Bizarre Crossover, by seph “I Slap Keyboard to Words” chipmunk! I’m your host, SC, and last time, a whole lotta shit happened that I honestly don’t know how to describe. Just… I dunno, imagine if someone was playing chess, and all the pieces were Lego figures, DnD miniatures, some random checkers piece and the top hat from Monopoly, and you’ll about have this fic.
In other news, we REALLY need to get Swenia a new chess set.
With me, this week, is this fucker-
*Sports Shades flips the audience off, but with a very charming smile*
-And it would have been his evil twin, who, unlike him, actually succeeded in becoming a very honorable samurai… buuut, his honor got in the way of his brain just a moment ago, and now he won’t be joining us. Ever.
Sports Shades: Being honorable and not sucking at your job, shockingly enough, are two different things.
Right, well, there’s only four more chapters and then this fic is done, and since I don’t have to introduce anybody, may as well just hop right in.
Sparx was supersonic fast, but he didn’t miss puffs of smoke in the distance all over the place.
Sports Shades: If he’s supersonic fast, he’s ripped himself apart with the almighty power of G-forces.
Yeah, especially since he’s a tiny dragonfly.
Sports Shades: Well, if a tiny dragonfly is supersonic fast, he probably just unwrote himself from history.
As he approached areas where the puffs were he began to see strange mounds. He realized that these were dragons and some where their homes.
Sports Shades: Oh, so, nothing out of the ordinary, then?
I imagine the author would have you think otherwise, but it sure doesn’t read that way.
He was a little alarmed but seeing this made him even m ore determined to hurry. He had to get to Elder Garden!
Oh God, there are dragons! I need to warn the council made of dragons!
But seriously, I bet the author meant it more like the dragons were dead and their homes were fucked up. Too bad their writing is too shitty for it to be immediately obvious.
The elders reside high in the cliffs of The Lifts. The Lifts are located in a mountain of stone with vast cave systems. There is a secret maze like passage that you have to pass through to get to the Elder Garden. The maze is a test but it is the only way to reach the Elders. Even though Sparx was just a dragonfly, he had tests he had to pass that were his size.
Sports Shades: Not really conducive to getting a message to them, is it?
No, not so much.
A long, long time ago one of the Elders was magical and he cast a spell on the tunnel for safety and so that not just anyone could come up to Elder Garden.
I’ve seen some shitty lore-building before, but that was offensively shitty.
The Elders came down enough but wanted to have peace at home.
Sports Shades: Good luck with that, nutsacks, you’re in a badfic.
The tunnel was a like a living creature. It seemed to know anyone who entered even their deepest thoughts
I am unreasonably grossed out by the characterization of a tunnel being alive and knowing thoughts, and it’s likely because I’ve been around Glasses too long and can spot innuendos where there aren’t any, now.
Sports Shades: Sounds about right.
and then a series of events would occur and if you get through them the Tunnel would open up to the Elder Garden, if you failed it would open up at the bottom. No one ever tried it twice.
And EVERYBODY has to go through these tunnels to get to the elders, even if it’s a matter of utmost emergency? And nobody ever attempts them twice, indicating that they’re that fucking hard to navigate? I can’t be the only one who sees how little sense that makes.
Now, Sparx had never attempted The Tunnel on his own, so he had to be very brave.
Yeah, especially since it doesn’t seem to matter how dire the message is he’s delivering. “We’re gonna test your skills right here and now, and if you don’t pass, we’re not hearing any of your shit!”
Sports Shades: How has the governmental infrastructure of the Dragon Realms not just collapsed, yet?
The Tunnel suddenly went black. First, Sparx panicked inside, but then closed his eyes and thought only of his determination to save The Dragon Realm. He also thought really hard about knowing how he could not do it alone. As he breathed out he opened one eye and noticed a very tiny light in the distance and flew toward it. He did not wait to go into it and then it seemed he was in another section. He sighed with relief that he was not back at the bottom.
Wow, I was being sarcastic, but they really are putting Sparx through a test of resolve while their fucking world is burning.
This section was huge and there were only two paths showing. He laughed to himself as he realized how true the stories were about the Tunnel knowing you. Sparx often couldn’t make up his mind.
Sports Shades: So then, for me, it would be a long path to, I dunno, the Holy Grail, but then the floor just kicks out from under me?
Or maybe a suit of samurai armor, more appropriately.
Sports Shades: Or that, yeah.
The other sides of the openings were black so he couldn’t check that way so he started looking for a clue, like the light he had seen before. Then he noticed it, it was not a light, but another opening and just his size.
Well, that’s convenient. I thought this was supposed to be a trial to see if he could overcome his indecisiveness, though?
Sports Shades: You caught that too, huh? Usually, trials to overcome weakness are incredibly difficult and littered with subtle life lessons that you have to learn in order to figure out the solution. What’s the point of it being a trial if all he has to do is go down the path that basically says, “I’M THE CORRECT ANSWER!”? What’s he overcoming, here?
The third would be the last unless he failed. He stopped dead in his tracks! Sparx could here them. It sounded as though it was hundreds! A chorus of chaos! The most fatal sound a dragonfly could hear. BIRDS CHIRPING!
I thought the most fatal sound a dragonfly could hear was, “that’s it, I’m getting the fucking flyswatter?”
He had no choice than to push ahead. He was busy in his head figuring out how quickly he could reach his top speed. Sparx could fly up to about 38 miles per hour.
…Well, he’s not technically wrong, but Sparx is one slow-ass dragonfly if 38 miles per hour is all he can do, given that the fastest recorded dragonfly flight is up to 60 miles per hour. And that’s still not very good, since a cursory glance at the general flight speed of birds says… well, let’s just say that a bird can usually fly MUCH faster than 60 miles per hour if they’ve sighted in on prey and are giving chase.
Sports Shades: Hey, Sparx! How’s your stealth game, bro?
He was certain he could reach it but he would have to evade those filthy pecking creatures. He took a big breath and went for it!
He must have dodged 50 birds on his way when he saw a pathway and not straight ahead it was back behind him. Dragonflies can see things in all directions!
Sports Shades: Fun facts with sephchipmu-!
*SC turns and punches Sports Shades so hard, his sunglasses fly off his face*
THAT’S MY GIG.
Sports Shades: I hope you broke your fist, fucker.
He may even have reached 40 miles per hour he wasn’t sure, but he zoomed around and passed through to another space!
Sports Shades: Generally speaking, if you ripped open the fabrics of reality and found yourself in space, in a parallel existence, you probably reached 40 miles per hour.
Nah, I don’t buy it.
Sports Shades: I mean, I’m just guessing! I haven’t exactly gone and done it, myself, so…
At first he thought he was floating,
…He can fly. Of course he’s floating.
but then he realized he had made it through but there was no time to dawdle in his glory.
Sports Shades: Why not? I do it all the time. Speaking of which, I’m awesome, and none of you fuckers in the audience are.
You’d think getting shot down by Samurai in an age where being one was a tremendous honor would have taught him a little something about humility, but noooooo…
Elder garden was a great sight! From it you can see all of the Dragon Realm.
*SC stands in a vague garden, overlooking a vague world*
…Meh, I’ve seen better.
With great relief he noticed the fire burning in the center.
Sports Shades: Given how easy the cave of trials apparently is to figure out, I’m wondering why the bad guys haven’t just waltzed right in yet.
Probably something to do with heroic spirit or some such.
It looked like the Elders were gathering at the edge of the garden looking down and Sparx took a deep breath and zoomed toward them. Magnus turned first and greeted Sparx. “We see,” he said with a huge sigh, “Do you know what is happening?”
*Sparx* “You know, after dodging birds for the last few minutes, I kind of forgot what I came here to tell you!”
Sparx had to fly very close to Magnus’ ear to tell him the whole story because he is so much smaller. As he flapped his wings in place he told the story fast, the other elders turned their ears toward him straining to hear. They did not hear every word like Magnus but they heard some.
Sports Shades: WHAT’D YOU SAY?! I CAN’T HEAR SHIT!
WHO’S TALKING?! IS SOMEONE TALKING?!
The most important thing they all agreed was that Spyro was making a plan with the strangers who had come to their aid.
…They needed to agree on that?
At that moment, they all looked up. Hovering above the Elder Garden was a rock.
Sports Shades: Tied to that rock was a rope, and holding that rope was a pair of very embarrassed-looking pranksters realizing the jig was up.
Oh, those dang kids!
Sparx could only guess but he had to move and move fast! It only took a moment and the “goop” was released from the rock!
Sports Shades: Nevermind, I guess the bad guys move faster than I gave them credit for.
Sparx was racing faster than he had ever flown. Going down was certainly easier he just had to go over the edge. He could see two dragons behind him. Only two! Magnus and Ignitis! The dragons were soon flying right next to him.
Given that they’re fucking enormous dragons and he’s a tiny dragonfly, they should have blasted him off-course into oblivion from their wings flapping.
They flew straight to Spyro’s home. There were many puffs of smoke now, the air was quite thick, but then Sparx noticed the large blooming tree and head straight for it. Only Magnus was with Sparx when they got there. Everyone was still here.
Oh no! Ignitius was slain by [ERROR: CAUSE OF DEATH NOT FOUND] in transit!
Sports Shades: How… tragic? I guess? I assume the author is working under the pretense that we know and love these characters from the games, but I honestly feel nothing for Ignitius, because he got zero characterization in the thirty seconds it took for him to be introduced and then summarily killed. By whatever it was that killed him.
Magnus was twice the size of Spyro, but Spyro could be just as powerful.
This pointless comparison of strengths and weaknesses, brought to you by sephchipmunk.
Magnus though was an Elder and had the respect of all as he entered the house. Zuke and Zinc came to his side staring at him.
Have Tweedle-Zuke and Tweedle-Zinc done anything useful yet? They’ve flapped their wings at a fire, which did nothing, and beyond that, they’ve just stared and gawked and otherwise made expressions in response to things they were told. Why are these brats even here? They’ve contributed nothing to the plot, other than an audience for Spyro to exposition at. You could remove every instance that they get mentioned, and the fic would look barely any different.
It’s rare for an OC to not run the risk of hogging the limelight in fics, but here you go. These two OCs run the risk of disappearing into the character blob without being remembered.
Everyone gathered around him. Cynder introduced Magnus to the visitor.
Visitors. There’s at least four of them. I know Earthia is on fire out back right now, but you could at least pretend like you remember she exists.
Issac repeated his story to him. Issac also explained that he had been able to examine some of the goop while Sparx was on his journey.
Sports Shades: Awful lot of telling and not showing going on in this fic.
Yeah, the author apparently sucks at character interaction of any sort. They’ll tell us all about it, but God forbid you ask them to show what’s actually happening.
The goop is not a foreign substance but one mixed to perfection. It is mud and water, the two most fatal substances to attack The Dragon Realm with against its fire element.
I’m sorry, I need to step out for a moment to try and process this stupidity.
*SC quietly walks out of the riffing chamber*
Sports Shades: …This is usually the part where he sticks some random song from his playlist in here to tide people over until he gets back, right? Yeah, yeah, that sounds right. Sooo, let’s go with… this one!
*SC walks back in*
Okay, so. Mud and water, mixed together. So, you’ve made more mud, then. And you managed to decimate an artisan village with this extremely wet mud.
…You know that those artisans probably worked with mud regularly, right? For crafting stuff? I’m finding it incredibly hard to take seriously that they were killed by MUD, I’m sorry, it’s just not clicking for me.
I mean… dragons! Mythical beings of immense power! You throw mud at them and they’re fucked?! That’s the most pathetic weakness I’ve ever heard of!
Sports Shades: Maybe you should move on before you drive yourself insane over this.
How the fuck does mud even…
A bigger battle was coming there was no doubt about that. The problem was they had not figured out how to get rid of it without hurting the dragons caught in it. Too much water would drown the inner fires of the dragons.
A dragon’s inner fire is way more powerful than mud could hope to extinguish! Why is this even a problem?! How did this manage to kill an entire-
Sports Shades: Shh. It’s just Bad, if you don’t pay attention to it, it can’t hurt you.
If they did not act soon all of Dragon Realm would be covered in this goop!
IT’S JUST MUD! YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET IS COVERED IN IT ALREADY!
Sports Shades: See what you’ve done, author? Now he won’t shut up about the mud.
Then the door opened! Earthia! She must have re energized.
You know, nothing special.
Strap in, folks, the author is going to try and exposition their patchwork lore.
Earthia bowed to the Elder Magnus and he did the same back. Earthia told them all she knew about the enemy at hand. It is a new Subspace Emissary wanting to control everything. The Subspace Emissary is related to Tabuu who was defeated long ago by Sonic the Hedgehog.
Oh, it’s okay, it’s not the same Subspace Emissary, guys. They just LOOK the same, you know.
Earthia continued to say, “His name is
Shake zula? The mic rula? The old schoola?
Sports Shades: No, I think he would make the situation decidedly worse.
“He has rebooted the Metarex, a group of robotic fighters that once fought under Tabuu.
No they didn’t. The Metarex are their own entity.
When Tabuu was defeated the Metarex shut down, we thought for good.” Earthia was glowing with energy and power, she was ready to take on what ever was out there but she said more, “The creatures are shells of beings that once were good and were killed by Flash of Shadows. He controls them.
I’m going to assume Flash of Shadows is an OC, or otherwise too obscure for Google to figure out, because I can’t find anything about him.
They are similar to the creatures Sora was up against in Kingdom Hearts, the Heartless. The difference is that these creatures will return to their normal selves once the Subspace Emissary has been defeated. They have no real power but they like they taunt victims caught in the goop so they harden when they are struggling. Flash of Shadows enjoys that.
Sports Shades: They taunt victims to death? That sounds like my gig!
SHIT, YOU’RE ONE OF THEM.
“So this guy is after the life force of the Dragon Realm, right?” Zuke asked.”Yes,” said Earthia. Zinc spoke up next, “Then we have to stop them!” “Will we be able to recover the dragons that have been covered by this goop?”
This just in: the author sucks at dialogue.
Earthia explained, “The goop is what you get when you mix earth and water together, but then is supercharged by Flash of Shadows. This charge makes it harden and the longer it stays on the victim the more it drains the life force from that being”
Oh, now it’s life-sucking mud, sure. It sure does feel like the author realized how lame mud as a weakness sounded and just threw whatever menacing-sounding quality they could think of at it to make it seem serious, doesn’t it?
Sports Shades: Yeah, really.
Spyro stared intensely at Earthia, “Thank you for sharing all you know with us.
*Earthia* “Okay, but stop staring at me like that.”
*Spyro, in Earthia’s face* “Staring at you like what?”
Knowledge is power in any situation.
Oh for fuck’s sake, now you’re gonna trash School House Rock, too? See if they ever sing to you about conjunctions again!
Sports Shades: That’s okay, I’m more fond of the electricity song, myself.
That one’s catchy, too.
We must act fast! That leaves just one question. How must time before they harden and their life force dry?”
About as much time as it takes for you to dislodge that brick from your skull.
[My aim throwing bricks at idiots is more true than Legolas trying to stop an orc from blowing up Helm’s Deep. -Book Specs]
Earthia said, “I do not have an exact answer, but I would say we have less than 6 hours.”
Sports Shades: “I don’t have an exact answer, but we have T-minus five hours, fifty-eight minutes, thirty-two seconds.”
They all stood and agreed that they needed to go to the Great Cavern. The Great Cavern was at the center of the Dragon Realm where the great dragon crystal egg was kept. The crystal egg stored the life force of the Realm.
Oh, so like a miniature Kingdom Hearts, then?
And because I know at least one person is gonna be all, “huh?”: Kingdom Hearts is both the name of the game series, and the ultimate life force of all the worlds. It’s the unlimited power source sought by the villains for nefarious purposes, and defended by the Keyblade Wielders to prevent said nefarious reasons.
Sports Shades: That’s one of those jobs that sounds cool on paper but actually sucks ass. Being given the duty of protecting the ultimate life force of everything? You’re just ASKING to get slain by a stupidly-powerful motherfucker.
Magnus reminded everyone that Ignitis had already been making his way there. “He will certainly need help, let’s go!”
Oh, so he didn’t die off-screen? He told absolutely nobody that he was going to the thing they needed to protect, and Magnus just happened to know? Nice, asshole, now I wish you had died.
Just outside the door, the group searched for the best route. If they can beat the Emissary to the egg and then attacked when he arrives the goops will fall off all of the Dragon Realm and its inhabitants.
Villains, take heed: having a weapon be dependant on your continued ability to live is just asking for a bullshit plan like this to get thought into existence.
Just as Spyro was telling everyone to stick together a pink haired lady appeared.
Sports Shades: Obligatory Pink-Haired Chick?! How did you get here?!
*A small, pink chick chirps at Sports Shades’ feet*
Sports Shades: Oh, wait, nevermind, she’s right here. Hey, buddy!
Aw man, I told the Offscreen Trombonist to put her in a tungsten carbide pen! She just eats through the hamster cages! Now I need to call the ninjas, make sure she didn’t peck out some important wiring or something…
“Need a lift?” She was floating holding some ropes.
I feel like there’s some really lame joke here I’m not quite getting.
Sports Shades: It’s a joke I didn’t make, so of course it’s lame.
You know, bro, just because I’ve never exploded your head before, doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
They all looked at each other and their eyes got as big as their entire heads when the creature appeared under her.
If your eyes are doing that, you probably have a serious medical condition.
Ishi: ONE HEARS TOMFOOLERY AGAIN!
Kanai: STOP SCREAMING!
Sports Shades: Ooh, yowza. That sounded like it’s gonna leave a mark.
I felt it through the floorboards, he went flying. Do not fuck with the ninja wife.
She was standing on the back of what some referred to as a gigantic drill dozer.
…You’ve got to be kidding me.
Yep, late in the game, we’ve thrown yet another canon in here, this one about a game for the Gameboy Advance. It was released in Japan in 2005, and America in 2006. Recently, it’s received a re-release on the Wii-U’s Virtual Console in 2015.
Normally, this is the part where I go into the plot, but here’s how easy it is to summarize the entire game: Jill and her dad, Doug, are bandits. They get jumped by other bandits, who steal an Artifact of Power from them. Jill takes her drill dozer (title drop!) and goes off to get it, and the other Artifacts of Power, back from the other bandits, and stop their villainy in its tracks. She succeeds, the Artifacts of Power are scattered for the Greater Good™, and Jill gets made the new bandit boss.
Boom, story’s over.
A key component of the game is its employment of a built-in Rumble Pak. For those not in the know, Rumble Paks were attachable controller devices or built-in functions on game cartridges for earlier generation Nintendo consoles (and a couple younger ones, namely the DS and DS Lite) that violently vibrated the controller/DS/Gameboy in your hands when playing a game that supported its use. Like, if you took damage, or were close to finding a treasure, stuff like that. Nowadays, most controllers come standard-equipped with a built-in vibration system, so Rumble Paks have, sadly, been rendered obsolete.
*sigh* Well, let’s see how bad this gets.
The gigantic drill dozer is a whale-size creature used for transporting a large amount of people or cargo. They are calm creatures but super fast.
Okay, everybody saw what the drill dozer looked like, right? It’s a little bipedal walker tank with a massive drill mounted at the front. Why is this author trying to make it into some mystical flying creature, a là Ba’ul?
“My name is Jill! I am a Red Dozer!” “This is Creabu, we call her Cab.” Everyone looked at her like she was crazy. “Well, its better than Crab, right?”
Sports Shades: Neither of those even make sense.
They introduced everyone and Spyro said, “You intercepted a message right?” Jill said, “Yep that’s right! “I’m the leader and this Flash character has put sugar in our best machinery and shut down out complete operations. I want in!”
Man, everybody is intercepting messages. It’s a wonder the Dragon Realm hasn’t been internally sabotaged yet.
Also, putting sugar in the tanks wouldn’t work on Bifocals’ machines.
[Powered by 100% pure, fresh-cut cane sugar! -Bifocals]
So they all climbed onto Cab. Zuke and Zinc were busy trying to checkout Cab as they took off.
Sports Shades: Oh, okay, goodbye, small fuckers!
The speed was amazing but you could hardly feel it.
After a few minutes, Spyro notice the Heartless creatures ahead smashing things up.
Rude little bunch of cunts, aren’t they?
Issac stepped up to him
Sports Shades: Oh, what? What?! We starting shit?! Are we throwing down, son?! You wanna go, boy?!
Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, hold up!
*Sports Shades attempts to lunge at the screen, but SC quickly locks him in a full Nelson and drags him back*
Sports Shades: You’re lucky he’s holding me back, man! You’re lucky he’s holding me back!
There will be no throwing of downs in this riffing chamber, God damn it!
and said they would hop off and take care of it. “Have Cab circle around, we’ll wrap this up in a few minutes!” Cab slowed and they hopped off. The Adepts hid behind a large rock formation that was painted with designs.
Okay, airdrop successful! Now to fall in at the enemy’s rear flank and- oh, who am I kidding, that’s not gonna happen.
Sports Shades: Man, you worked my hopes up for nothing!
*Sports Shades angrily removes his admiral’s cap and shoulder tassels, tosses an officer’s saber aside and flings a swagger stick over his shoulder*
…Why do you even HAVE all that?
They watched waiting for a moment when they could surprise the culprits. When the leapt out, they attacked with all the elemental forces they could, Earth, Water, Air and Fire! The entire band was wiped out! None were left standing as Cab pulled around to pick them up. The jumped to her back and off the crew went.
Sports Shades: Ah, so they’re shock troopers, then.
Are you sure you don’t mean something else?
*Sports Shades pulls out an iPad and googles for a moment before showing SC*
Oh, shit! They totally are shock troopers!
They were about a mile from the Great Cavern Entrance and all seemed quiet. All of sudden the hovering rocks were everywhere dropping goop!
So shoot them down?
Cab was having a hard time maneuvering around the huge droppings.
SC and Sports Shades: Ew.
Jill shouted, “She won’t be able to hold out! She’s too big! Jump off and we will return the site entrance and wait for you there, you might need to make a quick escape!”
Might need to make a quick escape. Bugs out because the LZ is too hot. Not sure I understand the correlation between those two things?
Spyro nodded and all followed off Cab. They headed for the entrance and dodged all goop falling.
Let me guess, it fell to the sides of them with no effect as they charged into wherever it is they’re going?
Sports Shades: All captured by a dramatic overhead shot, too!
And supported with an orchestral piece that slowly increases its intensity as the situation grows more desperate.
Sports Shades: Bro, we should make an action movie.
Synger was behind everyone trying to keep up, but she would get caught if she didn’t hurry!
Here we see the narrator “subtly” hinting to Synger that she should GET A FUCKING MOVE ON!
Zuke and Zinc, thinking the same thing at the exact same time,
BY THE WAY GUYS DID YOU GET THAT THEY’RE TWINS?
hurried to her and grabbed her just as goop would have piled onto her. Everyone had made it into the cave entrance when Zuke, Zinc and Synger crashed into them. She hugged Zuke and Zinc. They turned read and looked at Spyro who was looking at them proudly. He shook himself out of the gaze making a note in his head to tell them later and to yell at them for taking the chance at the same time.
You can tell the author is getting near an action scene because their pace is suddenly hyperspeeding through everything else.
They made it!
They did not have much further to go and then they heard a roar from deep in the cavern and began to run quickly toward the sound.
Sports Shades: You know, most sane individuals would run the other way.
Well, I guess we know what this means: they’re actually the Specs and Co. incarnate.
Sports Shades: Nah, man. We’re dumbasses in a funny way, they’re just dumbasses in a dumb way.
As the group climbed down deeper to get to the Great Cavern, they came to forks in the path, it split into three other paths. Each path was marked with a drawing above the entrance. They were the symbols of the 4 elements. Earth. Fire. Water. Air. Spyro thought this was very interesting.
Don’t split up, gang.
As he turned to speak to everyone, Earthia stepped up and said, “This means that we must split into groups according to that element we each have power over.
GOD DAMN IT, GANG!
Sports Shades: Don’t we want them to split up, though? Because maybe it means they’ll get divide-and-conquer’d and this mess will end sooner?
We still have the last chapter after this, I’m not gonna fool myself. I don’t want Carlos up my ass. And I just don’t want them splitting up because it probably means we’ll have to deal with POV-shifts, and Ghostie’ll have a cow.
Sports Shades: But doesn’t she already have a bunch of cats?
…Do you seriously not know what that saying means?
Sports Shades: Course I do! I’m just fucking with you!
Oh, thank God. You had me worried for a second there.
*Sports Shades looks at the audience, worriedly*
Sports Shades: *Whispering* No, seriously guys, what does “have a cow” mean?
I will of course go into the tunnel with the Earth element symbol.” Issac walked over to follow her.
*Earthia* “I didn’t say YOU could come.”
Mia walked to the tunnel marked with the Water Element, but Magnus joined her because he didn’t want her to go alone.
Sports Shades: But he’s not a WATER DRAGON?!
Ivan walked to the tunnel with the Air Symbol. He turned to everyone realizing he would be alone. Sparx then went to Spyro and whispered in his ear, then flew to Ivan.
And we’re never gonna know what he said, because this author is curiously adverse to dialogue for some reason.
Ivan smiled and said, “Thanks.” The dragons of course would enter the Fire tunnel with Garett right behind them.
Each party arrived at the Great cavern at the same time. They could all clearly see the center where Ignitis stood with the crystal dragon egg. The egg was beaming with red light.
The problem was that Ignitis was surrounded, by Metarex.
*SC glares at Bifocals, way at the back of the riffing chamber*
Bifocals: It was not me!
He was sheltered under a huge flat rock.
Sports Shades: Sheltered, or being crushed to death? It’s important to know the difference between the two.
Issac began to move. He would not let the Metarex get to Ignitis on his side of the cavern. Looking at Earthia they both began a series of movements to attack. The battle had begun.
The Metarex being robots could not dodge the balls of earth thrown at them,
Bros, they’re just dirt clods, pull yourselves together.
but they did begin to shoot lasers from their arms.
Sports Shades: They weren’t aiming anywhere, per se, they just wanted a laser show is all.
I mean, if I could shoot lasers from my arms, that’s the first thing I’d do.
Sports Shades: Get a sweet beat going, too.
Like this one?
Earthia and Issac dodge and fought back. They were able to come off the ledge.
Oh, thank GOD, I was so scared they’d be stuck forever!
Sports Shades: Why? It would’ve made them easier targets.
Bro, we’re supposed to root for the heroes.
Sports Shades: Says who? You’re not my mom.
There were huge rock formations separated by a path.
Shouldn’t that be the other way around?
They each went to one side and waited behind the rocks until they could start again. They could hear the other beginning their attacks as well.
*Sports Shades shrugs*
Spyro and Cynder led the dragons down to where the Metarex were in formation, they were able to dodge behind formation on the way. When they could they would fly out and breathe fireballs at the robots.
Not sure aerial bombardments are the best course of action when fighting in a cavern.
When they could get close enough they would whack the robots with their tales.
Sports Shades: NOW THIS IS A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED-TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!
DEAR GOD, NO! RETREAT! RETREEEAAAT!
Garett could make the flames hotter than normal and some of the robots were melting.
That’s what you get for making robots out of tinfoil and bubblegum.
Ivan and Sparx began to charge as well. Sparx flew in super speed around the robots until they tipped with confusion.
Did that motherfucker just pull a rebel alliance?
Ivan would whirl the air into really fast wind and help knock them over. They were a good team, but they had many Metarex to hit.
Sports Shades: And the Metarex still had their ALUMINUM CAN BOTS.
Mia first had to make water then immediately turn it into ice. Too much water could hurt the fires in the cave.
Oh, but ice is fine.
She was making a small dent on her side. Magnus helped evaporate the ice before it could turn to damaging water. Then he would pound some of the robots with his tail.
Sports Shades: So the waterbender is strangely useless in a fight against machines powered by electricity, and the huge dragon elder is picking up the majority of the slack. Gooo team!
Each of the four groups had made huge dents in the Metarex formations and were down to the last rows, when they say the huge hovering rock.
…But why did they say that?
Sports Shades: I guess it was just an appropriate thing to do at the time.
Flash of Shadows was standing on top of it.
Can I just point out, if I haven’t already, that Flash of Shadows is a really stupid name?
Sports Shades: Sounds like something Thief-bitch would name one of his lame shadow-whatever moves.
[Actually, I-bhfagriwu vHNNHuibvhydbGUIHRIUOEWGT: -Contacts]
[He is immensely lucky that death is of little consequence to him, because it is quite irritating for us to constantly remind him of his oath. -ERROR: NAME NOT FOUND]
As if they all thought the same thing they drew as close in a circle, knocking off robots on the way. If all of them used the elements they were meant to use they could push the rock further up, but they had to try to get a hole on the top where the Flash of Shadows was standing.
…So… if I’m following this… the plan of attack is to levitate the rock Ignitius is hiding under, and carve a hole under Flash’s feet? For… reasons? I’m not sure I get the intent, here.
Garett went to Magnus who nodded for him to get onto his back. Magnus flew up above while the others kept their attack on Flash of Shadows. They had to keep him distracted while Magnus and Garret tried to burn a hole, just a small hole, enough so that the goop with go upward out of the rock instead of down onto Ignitis and the crystal.
Oooooh, that’s what they were trying to do.
They did it! But as they went back down, Flash of Shadows through something at Magnus causing him to roll to dodge it and Garret landed with a thud on the ground below. He was knocked out.
Sports Shades: Nice job eating it, shitlord.
*Garret* “This dirt tastes like ow.”
*SC removes his glasses and hooks them on his shirt collar*
On a more serious note, how am I supposed to give a shit about this villain, or any of the heroes, if the plot goes at such breakneck speeds as to make any attempt at tension physically impossible?
Seriously, we know NOTHING about Flash of Shadows. He just showed up, said nothing, has had zero characterization of any sort beyond “villain,” was said to be responsible for the doomsday goop, even though we’ve seen zero evidence of him directing the operation, and has actually been shown doing just enough necessary to knock one guy out. He hasn’t had any time put into his motivations, nothing to suggest that there’s some reason behind this wanton act of mediocre villainy. He’s just… there. Like a cardboard cutout. No character here, move along.
And on the other end of the spectrum, the heroes have been on this psychotic blaze of glory, making the villains look like compete chumps without any opposition whatsoever, even though one small interjection of actual strategy would completely unmake them as a force to be reckoned with. And, much like the villains, we’re just supposed to go along with them being the heroes. There’s no internal struggle to work together, no clashing personalities, no motivations, hell, there’s not even any dialogue. They barely speak, if ever. They’re just lifeless little sock puppets going through the heroic motions. We’re somehow supposed to see that they’re the heroes fighting off the bad guys, and not some crazy nutcases throwing themselves at other crazy nutcases.
How am I supposed to be captivated by a story that doesn’t invest any time in its own cast? I could watch every single one of these pricks bite the big one and feel nothing, because there’s nothing to connect with. And they’re all characters from popular media, which makes it WORSE.
I know that past riffs of mine have been pretty heavy-handed on the OC spotlighting, and I’m making an honest effort to rectify that issue. But compared to this, I daresay it’s the lesser of two evils, here.
*SC puts his glasses back on*
Sports Shades: Okay, you wanna talk about “breakneck?” You did that right on the heels of a joke. I damn near got whiplash.
I’d apologize, but it’s you who’s complaining, so fuck it.
The rest of the group got closer until they were directly under the hovering rock. With all their strength and powers they used the elements to push from under the rock. It was Ivan who gave the last nudge, saving all his strength for last he pushed the air hard and as fast as he could and the goop popped out and rushed upward, drenching Flash of Shadows. Then Mia took over and froze the goop so fast that he could not fight begin stuck in his own goop.
The last of the Metarex were destroyed by a few last hits, the cavern was clear of enemy attack. Flash of Shadows had fallen to the ground, but Ignitis put his tail out to soften the fall so that the goop would not crack and free Flash of Shadows. They could not tell what this guy looked like but they were not going to wash him to find out. They would figure out what to do with later. Ignitis turned to face all those who had come to his aid and saved the Dragon Realm’s life force.
See? Look at that. You get just enough time to know that the villain is apparently just LETTING this happen, and then boom, fight’s over. Author, you suck at characters. Really, there’s a pretty long list of things that are in dire need of improvement, but the major thing is that you suck at characters.
To cite a comparison: In twenty minutes, while I was sitting in the parking lot at work, and with very minor edits, I made a one-off character for adoption by another writer, and (apparently, from what Herr’s been relaying back to me) he was so damn good, he could very well see use in large scale collaborative writings by whoever picks him up. I put next to no thought into him, because I was just laying out the basics for someone else to expand on, and I pulled off a slam dunk. (Fitting, because he’s a basketball player.)
Conversely, over the course of this entire fic, you’ve used a number of characters who have already been heavily established in their respective canons, and managed to make them bland and forgettable as hell. I barely remember they have names, half the time, or that they’re supposed to be sentient beings.
That’s not good.
Then Spyro shouted we must get back out side to save those who have been caught in the goop.
Sports Shades: He shouts like Monocle whispers.
Monocle, out in the hall: I DO NO SUCH THING!
Sports Shades: I know.
When they came to the entrance of the Great Cavern, Jill was there waiting as she promised. She was so happy to see them! She told them that she couldn’t just sit around so she did some fighting of her own and soon dragons not frozen in goop had joined fighting with her and all the creatures were defeated.
Oh please, who’s gonna believe THAT hogwash? The REAL heroes hoisted the villain by his own petard and gave him the Han Solo-in-carbonite treatment. You were probably just snoozing on the job.
Sports Shades: Geez, Jill, if you’re gonna tell stories, at least make them BELIEVABLE.
She then noticed they were carrying a statue and laughed. “HA! HA! He sure got was he deserved.
HOME STRETCH HOME STRETCH HOME STRETCH HOME STRETCH
Mia hurried off with Ivan to all the towns on the back of Cab to get everyone cleaned off before it was too late. No dragons in the Realm were lost. They used some water but Ivan was there to drive them fast with wind. They knocked over a few dragons but they were all clean and none had lost their inner fire.
Sports Shades: Good for… them?
Synger ran to her father and her father wrapped his wings around her and she cried. “Thank you everyone!” “This is my father, Blue Nose!”
So named because he’s always got a cold.
Sports Shades: It’s pretty worrying, actually.
They all looked at him kind of staring and noticed his nose was really blue, but he could blow fire onto sand, heating it until it became like glass like no other dragon in the Artisan Town of Elabria.
This is the single most developed character in this entire fic. How sad is that?
Since he was one of the first hit with the goop, it was he who made the large glass case that they melted around Flash of Shadows. They all moved the large glass case into the middle of the square of Elabria. There it would stay.
That’s… pretty sadistic, actually.
Sports Shades: “We’re the good guys! You can tell, because we froze the villain in an unbreakable mud shell and encased his body in a glass prison so that he could be displayed in the town center and mocked for the rest of his short, godforsaken life!”
When all of them returned to Spyro’s home the other Elders were waiting for them there.
Oh, hey fol-
Ignitis blew fire onto stones and they turned into gems. He handed each of them a gem and thanked them.
Author, if I could smack the crap out of you, I would. That is NOT how you make gemstones. I’m really close to the end of this, so I’m going to give a really fast summary of the basics: The rocks and minerals that make up the gemstones we’re familiar with start out as molten lava which cools beneath the earth’s surface and crystallizes into the raw gem, which is then harvested via careful mining, washed clean of residual clay, heat-dried to harden it up so that it’s not too soft to work with (funny story! Because gemstones form underground, the lack of heat from the sunlight means they don’t firm up completely when crystallizing), and then put through an intensive polishing process until it comes out looking like what I’m very certain you’re implying.
You do not blow fire on rocks, and suddenly gems.
That’s fucking stupid.
The readers are more than welcome to elaborate further or correct any missteps I made in the comments if they so choose (and I kind of hope someone does because I love reading that shit), but for now, I’m moving on from this before my head explodes from the dumbassery.
It was the way the Dragon Realm’s dragons paid tribute to those who risked their lives to save them all. Cab was given a good washing and a gem put into her harness so that all could see she too played her part in freeing them from destruction.
Sports Shades: Woohoo, when am I supposed to start caring?
When the author starts giving a shit about characters having personalities.
Sports Shades: Wow, a simple “never” would have sufficed, bro, Jesus…
Ignitis tuned to Spyro and said, “Someday Spyro I will teach you how to make them gems.
You see that there rock-looking thing? Throw some fire at it, and you’ll have yourself a hunk of bullshit, lickety-split!
*Sports Shades spits over his shoulder, hitting Bifocals’ glasses, which make a sound like a ringing cowbell for unexplained reasons*
Bifocals: Mach es dir selber, Scheisskopf!
There may come a day when you will join us in the Elder Garden.?
Sports Shades: No, really, when ya gonna get your ass over to the fucking Garden?
Cynder looked at Spyro with tears in her eyes and Zuke and Zinc went over to their father. They were so proud to be his sons.
His fake sons who only exist at the author’s whim.
Sports Shades: Well, that was just plain hurtful.
I don’t care.
“Spyro knew that Ignitis was telling him that soon it would be his turn to be on the Council of Elders. That was a huge honor. He said, “We are all worthy to be called Heroes!”
I wouldn’t go that far, ace.
“One lesson a hero must learn early on is that in almost every situation he will need good friends and that all cannot be done alone.”
Sports Shades: Tell that to Booky.
He manages to hide from Syl and Glasses both, while also chucking bricks at fuckheads, keeping the rest of the Co. in line, maintaining actually a rather respectable reputation with the ninjas, now that I finally went and looked up what “-dono” means, and juggling a half-dozen magical incantations just for shits and giggles. Guy does EVERYTHING.
[Except prevent assassins from murdering royal families, but that’s neither here nor there. -Book Specs]
Thank you for coming to the Dragon Realm to warn us and help us.” “You all will be welcome here anytime.” Jill said she would take everyone home with Cab. They hugged each other and left.
And it all took like five seconds, because this fic has some serious “no brakes on the crazy train” going on.
Cynder looked at Zuke and Zinc and said, “Its bedtime.” As they both walked away sad.
Sports Shades: They were heading off before she even said anything. Smart kids.
It’s either that, or they get the dragonfire again.
Spyro jumped up and said, “I’ll tuck you in we will talk about the day when you saved Synger and about taking risky chances.” Then he turned backed to Cynder and winked.
He was talking to his kids, bud.
Sports Shades: HE WAS WHAT?! Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck-!
*Sports Shades runs from the riffing chamber, clutching his head; Bifocals snorts at his departure*
Aaand he’s scarred himself for life.
Bifocals: Good. It should happen more often.
Of the world, as we know it?
*Bifocals shakes her head*
Well, you’re no fun.
Well, that’ll do it for this riff! Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! I’m still not really in much of a frame of mind to get back to LAFS, so I’ve got another oneshot lined up on my list, and then I think we’ll spend some time with one of my other big riffs that I haven’t touched in a while. Because why not? In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sports Shades-
*Sports Shades screams in agony as he plunges his head into a boiling vat of brain bleach*
-I’ll see you next time!
…Bifocals, why do you have a Metarex corpse next to you?