1513: Normandy High 2: Cryogenic Boogaloo – Chapter Three

Title: Subject 23: Cryonics
Author: The Eezoman
Media:  Video Games
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Subject 23: Cryonics: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and jellyspoons, and welcome back for more Subject 23. I’m your host Herr Wozzeck, and…

Well, really, what else would you be here for? Shitty writing, shitty characters… and both are par for course in Subject 23, ain’t they?

So without further ado, let’s jump back into this festering pile of sequelitis, shall we? We’ve still got a hell of a story to finish!

We start our next installment with this:

NEW CHAPTER! YAAAAY. Oh god. It’s midnight right now, and I finished the chapter for you guys. Hope you like it.

I doubt we will, but we’ll see.

Did you know that I’ve had 23 reviews for Cryonics for almost a year? Funny right? Yeah. I thought so.

Oh, and I assume that your original fic having exactly 23 chapters isn’t? Huh, interesting.

Also, to answer your question:

Anyway, we get a line break, and we cut to…

There was nothing to say.

Kasumi and Zaeed were checking their weapons, trying not to catch 23’s glare, which was busy burning a hole through the bottom of the small shuttle. Tali sat next to him, looking close to tears. Her hand rested on her knee, while she held her head with the other. The entire mission replayed through her mind, the images of her father’s last moments burned into her memory. Apart from that one black vision, she also dimly remembered the fight. It didn’t make any sense, now that she thought about it. Almost as if 23 and her had been speaking two different languages, lost in translation. Thinking back, she found herself reliving the exact moment when it all fell apart…



This fic did not just avoid falling victim to the typical Talimancer wish fulfillment stuff. It didn’t…

…did it?

-Two Hours Ago-

The heat inside the Alarei was stifling, even with the cooling unit inside Tali’s suit. She stared at the uncovered face of her father, the fear that she would never remember what he looked like playing at the back of her mind.

And why the fuck would that—

She had just lost the last person to have ever loved her. She was the last Zorah, the last of her family. During those brief moments, Tali had never felt so alone, so abandoned. She couldn’t blame her father, not when it was so clear how hard he’d tried to show his love.

Oh, sorry, I forgot you were in the middle of a sappy moment. I’ll shut up now.

Yet, there was a bubble of anger building under the mountain of sorrow. Why did this happen? Did it have to? If not, who could she blame besides her father? She wanted revenge, she wanted something, anything to stop that near physical pain of her loss.

It would have been easy to blame the Geth, yet her father, with his dying breaths, refused her even that. She realized that there wasn’t anything to do. She had lost. There was no reason, there was no justice. Only loss.

The pain had been growing for some time, and she felt a small, simple desire to give up. What did it matter that they were going to exile her? The feeling burrowed inside, making her feel like a distressed child once more. She could just sit next to her father, waiting for the admiralty board to declare her dead. What did it matter?

Oh my God, what is this? Did Eezofuck get taken over by Captain Africa when we weren’t looking? I mean, sweet Jesus, this fic really ramped up the pretension after Miranda’s death, and in a way not even Tali’s other thoughts about love and 23’s nudity and all that jazz could’ve preceded.

What the shit!?

She felt something on her shoulder, a gentle pressure. Turning her head, she looked up at him, his eyes familiar and warm. His mask was on, but there was something different to his figure. He looked almost as if he was in pain. His voice broke the dead silence, the tone sounding slow and calming.

“I’m sorry Tali. We can’t help him.”


“Because water.”

She wanted to protest, to push 23 away and stay sitting, but she knew he was right. She couldn’t do this. Taking her father’s mask, she placed it back onto his face, once again sealing his visage from view. She panicked for a split second, until she remembered the features that were his. How they moved when he was alive, and the warmth in his eyes.

Yeah, see, that’s what I thought. You don’t just forget a face like that, especially not when:

  1. The face belongs to your father.
  2. There’s that whole cultural thing about how showing your face to another person is considered an intense sign of trust between quarians.

Just sayin’.

She tried to stand, but the previous shock had affected her more than she noticed, and her legs gave out beneath her. Cole caught her, gently pulling her towards him a little more. The small wall that had been holding back the sadness of the moment broke with his touch, and she felt a small sob escape her lungs. Turning to meet him fully, Tali placed her arms around his neck, locking him in a hug. He understood, placing his hands softly between her shoulder blades.

And that’s one hell of an over-elaborate way to say “she started sobbing on his shoulder”. See, it’s not so difficult to not sound like an idiot tryhard, now, is it?

They stood there while time ticked on, unaccounted for. There was nothing in the room except for the two of them holding each other, linked only by their touch. It felt romantic, yet it wasn’t, and it carried with it, a warmth and love not understood by those of weaker hearts. The very air they breathed was valued next to dust when in comparison to the pure emotion carried by this simple act. To Tali, it was comfort with no reservation.

*rubs temples*

Oh my God, not even the purple prose glasses are able to defend me against this shit. I mean, Jesus, look at this! This is just…


Good God, I never want to see what this guy would’ve done if he’d tried to novelize The Tree of Life

23 looked up, and immediately realized he shouldn’t have. Kasumi stood there, smiling, yet a sad look on her face. Cole felt like sighing. Tapping Tali on the shoulder, he brought her to face the thief, who walked over to give a hug.

Hang on.

*dips his hand under the book, wiping away some excess sap*

There we go. Now we gotta give this to Crunchy, see what kind of syrup he can come up with.

While Kasumi offered her sympathy, Zaeed came down from the stairs, face and armor covered in the Geth’s synthetic blood. He looked grim, but acknowledged 23.

“We got rid of the bastards. Shame the girls father died though.”

Wait, when did Tali have a sister? And why was I not told about her until now?

“Yeah…They were able to talk at least. Set things right. Did you two find anything that could help us?”

What Zaeed should say: “Yes, you bloody pillock: while you were sitting here with full orchestra wailing away, we were shooting geth! So I hope ya have a bloody good reason for leaving us to figure out what happened, dumbass!” *smacks upside the head*

What he actually says:

Zaeed brought his arm up, opening a file on his omni-tool. The video played at high quality, the voices echoing through the small space. By the time the sequence had ended, everyone was watching. It shut off, and 23 turned to Tali.

“There. We can prove you had nothing to do with it.”

Wait, so Zaeed and Kasumi managed to access the data and find videos?

Well, gee, I’m so glad they have the ability to read minds and all that: I mean, that saved them time since neither 23 nor Tali had to tell them to look for things they probably shouldn’t know are there! Don’t you just love convenient superpowers?

Don’t you?

Tali stared at where the video had been playing, then glanced downwards towards her father. After a quick moment of thinking, she turned back to 23, who was waiting patiently.


So is that “no, we’re never going to see what’s going on”, or “no, you should know what this is, why are you asking me to put in the hard work of describing what’s in the video?

Cole took a step forward, the confusion obvious in his eyes.

“What? Why? Tali, he said he didn’t want you hurt by this. He wanted you to use this.”

Her voice cracked as she answered.

“I…I know. But this evidence, it….My father was not a bad man. If we present this at the trial, he’ll be labeled a traitor! I can’t let that happen to him, 23. Everything he’s done, he did for the fleet. I can’t let one bad thing destroy a lifetime of devotion and love.”

So option two it us!


I mean, fair enough, we’re spared more stupid fucking purple prose. But come the fuck on, bro, you’re not even gonna try?


This is why we can’t have nice things.

23 couldn’t believe this. She was just going to let herself be exiled?

Yes, Tali literally just said that, you stupid cunt. But contrary to what you believe, we’re not as stupid as you seem to believe you are, so…

“They’ll throw you out of the fleet!”

Her voice rose, but maintained a certain level of panic.

“I know. But you don’t understand what they would do.”

“You don’t understand! They’d hang his corpse, rape it, do everything… You know, all the stuff When You’re Strange’s turians would do when they get X-Ray vision and see the mark of shame on your neck!”

“What would happen, Tali? They can’t exile your father.”

She took a step closer and lowered her head. The tone switched to a more informative one.

And what the fuck does that mean? Did she adopt a teacher’s tone? Did she adopt the tone of a patronizing dickbag? What, fic? What?

“They would strike his name from every ship he had ever served on. They would turn him into a nightmare, a story to tell to children to ward them away from bad deeds. Activating Geth within the fleet….There….there isn’t anything worse! Not outside of blowing up a ship.”

“He doesn’t care about himself, only you. It was his last request!”

As soon as he said it, he wondered if he had gone to far. Her father had passed, mere minutes ago. What place did he have in telling Tali what her father wanted of her? The room grew quiet until she spoke.

“We aren’t using the data.”

“Because he loved me, even though in canon I remember him being very cold to me and this all flies in the face of the canon! Feel sorry for me, dammit!”


Well, at least the pity party isn’t for 23 for once in this stupid series. I’ll take that over this fic somehow making it about 23 again.

Anyway, we get a line break, and we cut to…

There wasn’t a sound, save Tali’s quiet sobs. 23 blocked it out. He ignored it all. The sound, the light, even the feel of the water surrounding him. He silenced everything, focusing on his thoughts.

We can’t do it. We lost our only shot on that ship. She’ll be exiled, and…fuck

Oh shush. By the time you get to the admirals, you’ll have the gall to drop a giant cluster F-bomb on the admirals and come out like a badass. You know, like how I did it in Mass Vexations.

Hey, you already kinda copied Orange, you really think I’m putting it past you to copy the entire rest of Mass Vexations as well?

He was angry. Furious at her. At himself. At her father. This entire situation was bad, and once they arrived back on the Rayya, it would only get worse. He had let her down, and worse, he couldn’t stop it. Shepard would have been able to do something. This was her thing, politics. Figuring out what to say. The only thing he was good at involved killing.


I mean, he’s not wrong, but come on; you have to admit this song and dance is getting a bit tiresome, innit?

Does that change anything? I can’t let it. I can’t let her down

He knew there was next to no chance for him to help her. But what else could he do?

Oh stop this bullshit. We all know that 23 is so awesome you can’t have anything bad happen to him. So kindly stop telegraphing that he’ll be a badass and just tell the story, please.

“Tali’Zorah, we’ll be arriving shortly. The Admirality board has started the trial already.”

Zaeed perked up, shouting back at the Quarian pilot.

“Well then, send them a bloody message telling them to wait!”

“Communications cannot reach them while they are in session. It is tradition.”

23 stood up, his armor flowing back over his shoulders.

“Let’s not keep them waiting any longer.”

Whoah, dude. Whatever you do, please don’t hulk out and knock about eight walls over on your way to the trial. That would just be poor form!

Anyway, we get another line break, and we cut to…

“Tali’Zorah. Good of you to join us.”

Zaal’Koris stood, the smug stance worn on his figure.

*rubs temples*

There is no prescription strong enough for any purple prose glasses to withstand prose like that…

Tali walked up to the podium, her annoyance obvious.

“Sorry we’re late.”

Admiral Raan turned to 23, who took his place next to Tali.

Oh yay, we’re in for more plot re—

“I assume this is your captain?”

Tali shook her head.

“Commander Shepard was unable to come. This is 23. I request that he-”

“Absolutely not!”


Wha—really!? I—


Dude, you realize that the only reason you know to go onto the Alarei was because the admiralty board told you to go there, right? And you also remember the part where the trial was technically started before they went to go see if they could find Rael and figure out where the body was, right? Right? So why didn’t they sort that shit out then, before 23 ever boarded the Alarei?

Or did you just skip all that and have them go straight to the Alarei? In which case, why the fuck would they do that!? From the way you’ve been writing 23 thus far, he has no precognition whatsoever, so he shouldn’t even know that there is evidence on the Alarei! So he’d have to go to the trial and be like “oh, we should get more info”, and then get on there! Which they didn’t do, it seems like!


Jesus Christ, Eezofuck, is it too much to ask you to drop the pretentious prose for two seconds and actually remember that logic and sequencing are things stories usually have for a reason?


Good Christ, dude…

Zaal’Koris waved his arms enthusiastically.

Sorry, Zaal, but I’m not exactly in a position to rescue characters from shitty fanfics.

“You expected us to let you assign anyone to be your council? Absurd.”

I mean, he’s got a point. As Taco pointed out in the comments the last time we looked at this, it’s kind of a sticking point, you know. So why is him speaking up about this a bad thing?

At this point, Daro’Xen spoke up.

“Koris, I don’t think-”

“Her own captain wouldn’t take the time to defend her. Why do we sit here and even allow this trial to take place? Her guilt is obvious.”

Oh, right, because he opposes Tali with it. And God forbid that anybody oppose 23’s fucktoy love interest, amirite?

“Admiral, please. She has a right to fair trial, and from what I know of this man, he helped save many Quarian lives on Haestrom.”

Raan was pleading with Koris, hoping he didn’t ruin the entire proceeding.


I feel like we’ve stepped into that Kamen Rider: Ryuki/Persona crossover all over again. And let me tell you, that’s not a good feeling to have.

23 stared at the red-suited Quarian, giving him a look one generally associated with measuring a distance on the shooting range.


You know what? Fine, Eezofuck. If you want to spend oodles of time going all purple-prosey on Tali’s feelings or whatever and not describe anything physical, that’s not my problem anymore.

Taco, would you be so kind as to actually describe that in detail? I’d ask Eezofuck to do it, but he’d just complain that it’s too damn hard or something like that.

“…Fine. I’ll permit this travesty to continue.”

Raan turned back to the group, hoping to hurry along.

“Tali’Zorah, have you found new evidence for your defense?”

And of course, that’s all going to go down, right?

23 turned to her, and her to him. Their eyes locked for a moment, and he saw the fear, the panic she hid. He turned back to the board, and stepped forward.

There were moments when Cole felt scared. During brief moments when fighting. The occasional shadow. Even the sound of a person screaming could startle him. Yet, he felt none here. Only determination. Focus. His very breath was constricted, if only slightly, and he could feel the water on the outmost of his ice start to crack from stress. Despite all this, he would manage this. For her, and everything she had done for him.

Let’s give them a show

And now is when he speechifies and all that shit, right?


He let that word hang in the air, the tension building. He could feel it, and if he could, the audience must have been crushed beneath it.

“I do have evidence to submit, if you’d let me.”

Raan nodded, afraid to interrupt.

“Tali, has saved more lives than any single one of you.”

And now, he’s going to be all “blah blah, service record is better than yours”, right?

Cole took a step forward, raising his hand accusingly.

“She was with Shepard on Virmire. On Feros. Noveria, hell, even Ilos! She stopped the Geth and Saren while fighting alongside the Commander.”

Koris was about to speak. Cole knew it. He continued.

“No, admirals. I don’t have any new evidence. Nor do I even need it. You are accusing the woman responsible for doing the most for the Flotilla than any single Quarian alive. She’s the reason you are all still around. She stopped the Reapers, not to mention the Geth. Even then, she helped those who needed it.”

Go on?

The crowd began to murmur. It was true after all. Even the Council had acknowledged her assistance during the Saren incident. 23 jumped on this new reluctance, increasing his voice.

“Fine. You aren’t impressed. I get that, anyone can help save the galaxy. It doesn’t matter their accomplishments, or their reasons. But if you think that she did it for anything other than you. All of you, then you’re dead wrong.”

He turned to Tali, pointing his finger at her.

“This woman, THIS woman right here is not a traitor. She can’t be. I’ve listened to her talk about the Flotilla. She loves her home. She loves her people.”

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Keep going?

Cole’s voice dropped, Lyla’s image popping into his head for a split second. He spoke quietly, taking great care in choosing his words.

“The Quarian people have done so much for me.”

He turned back to Tali, his eyes set on hers. The atmosphere changed as Tali looked at him. Her silver eyes widened, then settled down, almost in a trance-like state. 23 almost tripped over his words at the sight.

“But she…She opened my eyes. She helped me. As well as countless others. I can never repay her for what she’s given me, or how she’s healed me.”

He saw the effect his words had. He saw her stiffen, then breathe deeply. He could almost see the soft tear rolling down her cheek.

“If you exile her, it will be the biggest mistake you’ve ever made.”

He lowered his head only slightly, while raising his shoulders.

“I promise you that.”

His final tone was threatening, of that the admirals were certain. The silence sustained itself until Raan spoke, her voice filled with nervous worry.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Interns, remind me how the paragon speech actually goes?

Thank you. I’m just going to play that for you again, because that version of what is essentially the same deflection tactics did one thing your pretty little speech didn’t do: it actually talked about how Tali’s accomplishments benefitted the Fleet. You know, something you couldn’t be assed to do. Here you go, talking about Tali, but you never really define exactly how Tali did more for the Fleet than the other admirals. And there, in the canon, Shepard does just that—and in half the word count, too, I might add.

So if you think the admirals are going to be swayed by what boils down to “I think she’s awesome and you’d be idiots to exile her”, then you’ve got another thing coming. Or you would, if this were a well-written fic. But of course, since this fic is a masturbatory fantasy, this stupid little speech will work on the admirals.


“Are…the admirals prepared to render judgment?”

Koris spoke up.

“Before we do, I feel I must clarify something.”

He leaned against the railing, his posture almost mocking the ice-covered assassin.

Wait, this didn’t happen in canon either. Zaal, what are you—

“You are not, in fact, Commander Shepard, Tali’Zorah’s captain.”

Oh my God, you’re not seriously telling me…

23 felt his blood start to boil, which was unusual given his circumstance.


Koris changed his tone, trying to mimic 23’s threatening voice.

“You have not presented ACTUAL evidence, correct?”

*scoots closer to the end of the chair*

Oh my goodness, don’t tell me he’s actually…

Cole’s hand slipped into a fist, the ice giving small cracks from the pressure of his grip.

“Again, correct.”

Beneath his mask, Koris smiled. He opened his mouth to speak again.

“One last thing. You aren’t here because you were assigned, weren’t you. You came for a specific reason.”

Holy shit, it’s a Christmas Miracle! Someone isn’t biting into 23’s bullshit!

Yes! Zaal’Koris is my new favorite character in this fic! Quick, folks, get him the redemption cookies! We’ve got the only character to successfully not buy 23’s bullshit! I think we—

23’s eyes went black, that familiar blood lust slipping back into his mind. He felt calmer for some reason. Koris, who continued, was oblivious to the change.

“I think you came for another reason. Perhaps you could enlighten us?”

It was amazing Cole could still hear the Quarian. Slowly, he answered, stressing every verb, the syllables cracking like ice as he spoke.

“What exactly are you implying, Koris.”

For a moment, the admiral resisted, then, proceeded.

“I’m implying that maybe we have more than just one reason to exile Tali’Zorah. There are strict rules on bonding.”

Aaaaaand, you just immediately lost any credibility you had as one of the few people to not buy into 23’s bullshit. I just… really?


First of all, what the fuck would give Zaal’Koris any reason to suspect that there is anything going on between 23 and Tali? He hasn’t seen them interact that much, and if we’re going by the whole “they stopped by the Alarei before they went to the Neema” thing, then that means this is the first time they see each other!

Second of all, what the fuck has bonding got to do with anything about this trial? I mean, sure, it’s about as related to the trial as anything Tali actually did with the quarian people, but at least there the admirals were able to, I don’t know, actually make it somewhat on topic? Besides, there’s the whole issue of ‘whatever happened on the Alarei could end up being used to push an agenda’, so it wasn’t an out-and-out digression from the point like this is!

I just…

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

This fic just keeps finding ways to bash its least favorite characters, even after the death of the most bashed person of all!


On the plus side, at least this means that something bad might actually happen to Subject 23 for once…

There was silence.

There was an uproar.

“Order! ORDER!”

Admiral Raan yelled at the crowd, and only after minutes passed did the crowd resume their seats. Shala had no choice. Either they vote now, or a riot was about to break loose.

“Admirals, are you prepared to render judgment?”

Her voice was weak as the votes were cast.

Raising her arm, she checked the count. She rose her head slowly, and read the verdict.

“Tali’Zorah, despite your valiant efforts and commendations, we find you…guilty of all charges. You are no longer welcome to the fleet.”


You know what? I can’t even be thankful that 23 actually couldn’t use his magical Stu powers to work his way out of this situation. It’s just… I really, really wish it had been over something that wasn’t this fucking stupid bullshit about “bro, you fucked a human, that totally proves your loyalty to the Fleet doesn’t exist”!

Tali didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. How did someone speak when their soul was ripped?

She merely nodded, backing away from the terminal.

Raan quietly raised her omni-tool, addressing 23.

“Representative 23, we appreciate you taking the tyme oo repentates uyn a ol….

And apparently, neither can Eezofuck. Because why would he want to type with both hands when—

Wait, why’s that line break there? What is it—?

He couldn’t hear anything.

Kill him

23’s head twitched to the side, the high pitched buzzing in his ears growing in volume.

I want to. I want to smash his mask and slit his throat with the pieces

I want to cut his eyes from his head

From his head-

-From his head-

-His eyes-

Did we just go into 23’s mind? Because if we did, great job confirming that he’s still a violent fuck who will resort to excessive violence if provoked, Eezofuck!

And what is this line break for, anyway?

Kasumi turned. Something wasn’t right. 23’s eyes hadn’t gone back to normal. She approached him, and his head snapped to attention, staring right at Zaal’Koris.



Okay, what the hell is this? And why is there another line—

I can’t do it

I can do it

Tali won’t want me to


No. No!-

There’s a rail. Vault and stab. Move on to the next one before they breathe

-Listen to me, YOU CAN’T DO IT-


Okay, are the line breaks done?

The blade slid easily from his arm, his stance changing. Kasumi yelled at him, Zaeed leveled his rifle at 23’s head, telling him to drop the weapon.

Quarians were panicking, marines scrambled for their guns.

Oh yay, another fucking massacre. Because starting the very first fic with a murderous rampage just wasn’t enough, now, was it?

23 jerked his head, trying to dislodge the voice from his mind.

It was going to win.

Slaughter them all


Wait, so you’re saying the voice is taking over? Um… why would the voice need to take over to make him do horrible shit? We’ve already seen he’s more than capable of doing horrible shit on his own, thank you very much!

But hey, maybe this means nobody can stop him. You know, because of 23 in the past could at least be stopped by being talked to by Jacob and all that. Maybe he won’t even pause this time.

He took a step forward, the blade raised, when something grabbed him.

Cole turned, bringing the spear around, ready to blow out the first Quarian mask he saw.

He saw the silver of her eyes before he even knew what had happened.

There was silence.


He blinked, the black of his eyes receding, the brown irises taking over.

It was dead silent once more in the chamber. Quarian marines held 23 in their sights, not moving from him an inch. Zaeed and Kasumi had backed away, their guns aimed down.


Or the power of true love will stop him. I guess that works too.

Tali stood, holding Cole by the arm. The blade was prepared to cut into her neck.

He sheathed the javelin.

He turned his head slowly, finding what he was looking for.

Koris stood, arms up in fear. The other admirals stood, hands gripping the railing in anticipation.

And the reader is just like “oh my god, man, just stop with that shit and get to the point!

23 nodded to Tali, who let go without a second thought. Turning to Koris, Cole straightened his spine. He took a step forward, when a Quarian marine clicked his rifle. The admiral nearly screamed at the assassin.

“Don’t come any closer! I’ll have you killed!”

And what the fuck good would that do? I know you don’t know this, but the guy stopped time! Well, that, and he’s shown to be eminently unstoppable before. Again, you don’t know that, but as readers, what the fuck makes you think we’ll believe that’ll stop him?

23 looked up at Koris, then switched to every other admiral.

“One last thing.”

He turned around, ready to leave. Tali waited for him, while Kasumi and Zaeed made their way to the shuttle.

“Before her exile goes into the log, make sure you mark her as saving the Admiralty board from a painful death.”

Wha—even Auntie Raan, who just moderated? And even Han’Gerrel, who sympathizes with Tali greatly? Come to think of it, Han’Gerrel didn’t exactly get to say anything, did he? It was Zaal’Koris who got to do all the talking, and you have to remember that Auntie Raan isn’t voting because she’s too close to Tali, so maybe Han’Gerrel was the sole yes vote?

*is smacked by a wall hand*

Oh, right, I forgot: this is the series that won the Bashing Award for how it treated Miranda. Silly me, how could I forget something like that?

With that, 23 followed Tali up the stairs, placing his hand gently on her shoulder. They walked in silence to the shuttle, unaware of any other person.

He spoke first.

“I’m sorry.”

Yes, you better damn well be sorry, you little cuntwaffle. You just made shit worse.

She turned, and her voice gave away her misery.

“It wasn’t your fault.

Actually, Tali, yes it was. For as stupid as that whole “she fucks humans” thing was, it seems to me that it wouldn’t have been brought up if 23 hadn’t come along for the ride. So yes, it was partly his fault. For that, and not finding any kind of bullshit solution to the whole “Rael’s gotta die now” thing.


Thank you. For everything.”

They approached the airlock, and stepped inside.

“I didn’t mean to lose it. Again, I’m sorry.”

She turned away from him and sighed. She brought herself to face him, then, tilted her head to the side.

“I’m not.”

Her tone wasn’t happy, or humorous but somber.


You sure you put the comma in the right place? I know you don’t care about that shit in the interest of sounding smarter than you actually are, but I just thought I’d point out that your punctuation is shit.

They hugged as the airlock closed behind them.

I’m not sorry about anything, Cole

The door to the shuttle opened, and Tali took her first steps into a world without a home.

And, as predicted with this shitty story, nobody gives a shit.

Anyway, that ends the chapter proper. We of course finish off with an author’s note at the end.

THERE. FINISHED A DAMN CHAPTER. Can I haz reviews nao please? I’ll update later, and yes, I have the plot figured out.

Oh really? Does that mean we’ll finally get an explanation for 23’s universe-hopping antics in the first one that never got explained?

It meshes up well with the canon, but I can’t say what else or else I’d need a spoiler alert.


Ah, yes, the story which has so far included a stupid crossover, everyone being reduced to hormonal teenagers, an entity that allows itself to stop time, and “Because Water” is clearly going to mesh well with the canon.


You know how that is.

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. Also, check out my other story, Judgement. Bye!

Bro, two Subject 23 fics are enough. Why the fuck do you think we should taint the Library with another journey into stupid?


At least in this case, we have small relief in the form of this installment not having a single buzzer press in it. Fuck it, I’ll take that shit any day, you know what I mean?

Anyway, that’s all for today folks. Join me next week when we get back into terrible Mortal Kombat lemons!


38 Comments on “1513: Normandy High 2: Cryogenic Boogaloo – Chapter Three”

  1. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Yep, Eezoman is now done with Miranda and moving on to Admiral Koris.

    Admiral Koris, a leader who commands great respect in his fleet, a noble man who was perfectly willing to sacrifice his own life in order to save the lives of his crew. A man who was instrumental in ending the war with the geth.

    Reduced to a two-dimensional racist.

    …Truly, this is a new low.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      You forgot the part where he opposed Tali. You know what happens to people who oppose Tali in this fic, right?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    Did she adopt the tone of a patronizing dickbag?

    Everything in this chapter adopts the tone of a patronizing dickbag.

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    –We can’t do it. We lost our only shot on that ship. She’ll be exiled, and…fuck–

    That last part, sadly, is a very likely addition to the sequence of events.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    “Communications cannot reach them while they are in session. It is tradition.”

    Well, that’s kind of a stupid tradition! What if they get attacked in the middle of one of those things, do they expect the pirates to just wait until it’s over?

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    He sheathed the javelin.

    Dude. Can’t you at least wait until after the trial when you’re not surrounded by people to do that?

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I have a feeling he was trying to crib off of an (admittedly off-color, in hindsight) Dark Knight reference I put into Mass Vexations at this juncture.

  6. BatJamags says:

    You know, the real reason I didn’t comment on this earlier today was because I was busy having my time wasted doing very important work being speechless at the fact that Eezoman actually let Asshole 23 fail at something.

  7. DasCheesenBorgir says:

    *dips his hand under the book, wiping away some excess sap*

    are you sure that’s sap and not say… something else that’s kinda sticky?

  8. erttheking says:

    *Jaw hits ground*

    I still remember what Kelly said in the original. “Well adjusted, except for the homicidal tendencies.” And he somehow keeps managing to top himself. I mean he tried to massacre the governmental leaders of an ENTIRE SPECIES! Because he sucks as a defense attorney!

    GUHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Herr, we need to start a “We wrote better love interests for Tali” club.

  9. "Lyle" says:

    There was nothing in the room except for the two of them holding each other, linked only by their touch. It felt romantic, yet it wasn’t,

    Nothing except for the two of them and her father’s corpse. No shit it wasn’t romantic. It shouldn’t even feel romantic. The last thing I think about when sobbing on someone’s shoulder is “this grief really gets me in the mood for love!” -_-

  10. TacoMagic says:

    Don’t you just love convenient superpowers?

    Yes. *twitch* So good.

    *twitch twitch*

  11. TacoMagic says:

    23 stared at the red-suited Quarian, giving him a look one generally associated with measuring a distance on the shooting range.

    Taco, would you be so kind as to actually describe that in detail?

    I’m all over this. In fact, I can actually show what this looks like!

    You can all wallow in the surprise that Eezoman doesn’t know anything about firearms or shooting ranges. Not that it’s really new information at this point.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Whoah, you actually need binoculars for that shit!?

      • TacoMagic says:

        Yeah, you have this little device called a “range finder,” which is a pair of specialized binoculars that let you sight in on something and it uses a laser or sound pulse to tell you how far away the target is. You can see the sighting port on that pair there. If you look at the front, you can see three lenses. Two of those are for binocular zoom, and the third (the one the guy is using) is for range finding.

        Generally you only need one when at a rifle range where you have to account for falloff. Anything closer than that and you aren’t really all that interested in trying to determine how far something away is since falloff tends to be a non-issue.

        So it’s a fail either way you look at it.

        • Herr Wozzeck says:

          Well, I knew he failed at firearms, but it’s always amusing to see just how hard he fails at that, yeah?

      • TacoMagic says:

        It’s like an onion of fail this time because even if you try to approach what Eezee was trying to say here, it’s still stupid.

        See, at the range, you’re looking at a target as just that. A target. Something to give you some practice. There’s no malice when looking at a target, no real intent to make it bleed or to do it damage, it’s just a thing that you put a bullet through to gauge accuracy. At worst you look at the thing clinically with no more emotion or intent of harm than when you go to put a staple through a piece of paper. But, generally, a lot of people go to the range to plink around an have some fun; I certainly do. So a lot of us would look at a target as something that’s enabling us to have an enjoyable time.

        So even if we push past the idiocy of what he actually said to get at the essence of what he really meant, the simile STILL doesn’t fucking work.

      • BatJamags says:

        And it sounds awkward as all hell.

      • BatJamags says:

        Of course not. That kind of overly-cluttered sentence construction is just a pet peeve of mine.

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