1510: The war of O’khasis – Chapter Five and Author’s Note

Title: The war of O’khasis
Author: princessteda12
Media: Video Game
Topic: Minecraft
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapter Five
Critiqued by Lyle

Good morning, everyone!  Welcome back to “The war of O’khasis!”  I’m so very sorry.

Lina:  I’m not.  We get to finish this thing today.  *hands Lyle a hot drink and finds her seat before sipping her own steaming beverage*

That’s very true.  *takes a sip*  Bubbles is getting experimental with the nutmeg.

Lina:  He’s really trying to get me to promote him to the R&D department.

…You have R&D for your coffee cart?

Lina:  Naturally.  Why wouldn’t I?  We have to come up with new drinks somehow.

I suppose you’re right… anyway, let’s get on with the riff.  Now that you’re all caught up, would you care to recap?

Lina:  *sips her drink*  Last time there were sporadic quotation marks, stupidity, and horse head masks.  *sips again*  Did I miss anything?

Sadly, no.  Let’s do this!

Racheal’s P.O.V, the next morning at target practice.

Lina:  I’m sending Ghostie a stack of free drink coupons after this fic.

Kevin and I were practicing aiming for the bulls eye at the practicing tent, another arrow nearly hit the bulls eye. Ugh said Kevin, I will never get this, he said

Instead of practicing missing the target?  Of course you’re trying to get a bulls-eye!

Lina:  You know, it would make a lot more sense if they had dummies set up and not standard bulls-eyes.  If their goal is to take the castle and kill off the citizens of the kingdom for [reasons related to blue], they should be practicing hitting human-shaped targets in vital spots.

don’t worry, we still have a lot of time left I responded, he looked at me in a twisted way.

A lot of time left until what, exactly?  Until you attack again?  You guys suck at siege warfare.

then he nocked the arrow and tried again, aim for the bulls eye he told himself. he release and hit the middle, yes!

Lina:  Fluke shot, I’m sure.

Most likely.  Although if they’re spending hours shooting at targets, they’re bound to get good eventually.  But even newbies hit the center target occasionally.  Hell, my now-ten-year-old hit a bulls-eye (center of the heart) at 30 feet on an Antelope cut-out when he was eight, and he was the only one out of the twelve of us shooting that did it… and there were people there that had been shooting for years.  And we were using recurves and not compounds.  No sites, straight pull and go.  I did the same thing from about 20-feet with a 15-foot elevation on a turkey cutout.  Right through the neck, a one-inch wide target.  And I had been shooting sporadically for, oh, a year at that point?

Here’s the thing about archery in war times: they wouldn’t be spending valuable time and arrows on practicing so damn much on hitting small targets.  The job of an archer during a war was to create scatter-shot.  Aiming was never a priority so long as you’re pointing in the correct direction.  Pull, tilted up, release, hope you hit something.  At the very least, you’re creating cover-fire.  Troops are often so pressed together that your arrow is bound to hit someone without you actually having to target that person.  The only time you need to concern yourself with aiming when you’re using a bow is if you’re hunting for food or you’re fucking Robin Hood, picking off individuals in small raid groups.  This isn’t a small raid group, though.  The bandits have created an army large enough to threaten an entire fucking kingdom.  Stop wasting your time and storm the castle through the giant ass hole in the wall you made last chapter!

Great job Kevin, I said, he gave me another twisted look.

Okay, seriously, Kevin.  What the hell are you doing with your face?

In the distance we heard a whistle blew, Black Moon was calling everyone to the main tent. Kevin and I walked over there joined by two other thieves. Thieves packed into the tent, ready to listen what the werewolf would say.

Thieves, this is the time, when the kingdom of O’khasis must fall, we heard Black Moon yell, everyone cheered, including me, until I realized that O’khasis is where I live, I a little bit too into character now ever since I got here.

Lina:  *chokes on her coffee*  You what?

Did… did Racheal forget she wasn’t a bandit and was acting as a mole?

Lina:  Wow, that’s… that’s really something special, init?  If you’re acting both sides, you have to be convincing.  Not cheering along would be suspicious.  In fact, stopping suddenly in your cheering is suspicious.  Why haven’t these twats discovered her yet?

Because SEKRIT.

Lina:  …Never do that again.

Get you armor and your weapons, it is now time. finally Black Moon stopped, we ran to grab the armor, bow, arrow, and iron sword.

Leaving behind all the kick-ass diamond weaponry you were given upon recruitment.  Right.

The werewolves, including Alpha Claw stood in the back while we were in the front. Outside on the meadow was my five friends, lined up with armor and diamond swords. We stood there ready to fight, when everyone stopped walking, I walked towards them and fought with my 5 friends. I looked straight at Kevin, then at my friends. I heard gasps all around, then Alpha Claw yelling Charge!

So everyone stopped and they just let you, the newest recruit, walk up and try to fight the measly five people sent out to face the army?  Charge would have been the first order given, not “fight them one at a time!”

*taps the buzzer*

Yup, that’s a Sue: 10

Lina:  You know, I’ve never headdesked but now might be a good time to try it.

I suggest using a pillow your first time; work your way gradually up to veneer and particle board.

We ran, the thieves ran.

You were already there.  Why did you start running?!

I took out my sword and quickly dodged an arrow, Kevin and I were dueling each other.

Oh, you’re running towards the bandits.  You see, this is why you need to fucking describe things.

Ryan why r u doing this he asked,

Lina:  Battle is the perfect time to break out in conversation- are you okay?  *pokes Lyle*

*hefts a rotting trout in one hand and brings it down on the author’s head*

You do not use text abbreviations in a written work!  Bad author!

’cause its the right thing to do, u know that this is wrong I responded. He quickly stopped then killed a thief running up to me

Welp, I’m convinced being part of the bandits is wrong.  How about you?

Lina:  Yup.  Let’s change our loyalties with the speed of a quick change artist.  Fuck our brethren.

I’m in he responded, I told the 5 about Kevin before they could mistake him for a thief, he’s with us, I told Dante.

Lina:  *headdesks onto the pillow with a soft fwumph*  …That’s surprisingly pleasant.

Soon a couple of thieves were left standing, I knew it was hopeless,

A couple = two.  There are two thieves left and seven of you.  Words mean things, Racheal!

Lina:  There’s so much suspense in this that my blood pressure has actually dropped.

…You’re a vampire.  Do you even have blood pressure?

Lina:  No, but what I don’t have has gotten even lower due to how utterly dull this piece of crap is.

When your story is so dull and predictable that you cause someone without a pulse to lower their blood pressure, you know it’s bad.

Kevin was tired with all of this fighting. I walked up towards the 5 who huddled up to talk, I had an idea.

How about “We outnumber them nearly 3-to-1.  Let’s overwhelm them.”

Lina:  Or demand they surrender instead of slaughtering them based on the odds that the thieves will die.  They’ll probably throw down their swords.

Alpha Claw is the general and wolf behind this, if I can kill him, the war’s over. they all looked at me with confusion. Just try to clear a path for a clear shot at him. they all nodded.

U sure about this asked Kevin,

*smacks the author again with the rotting trout, sending the head of the fish across the room*

Lina:  That seems unsanitary.  Where did you get that, anyway?

Barty’s chum bucket.

Lina:  I’m surprised Perky McNinja let you take any of her baby’s food.

Koori isn’t the only person around here that can sneak around without being noticed.

Lina:  You got Shinobi-san to do it for you, didn’t you.

Shush, you, and hit the counter.

Lina: *taps the button*

Yup, that’s a Sue: 11

Yeah, I responded. We all separated as my 5 friends cleared a path straight for Alpha Claw, who was busy yelling orders. I ran towards him with all of my energy, draw out my bow and my special arrow, I aimed then fire. Bam! straight for the chest, t tipped arrow of poison.

*smacks the button*

Yup, that’s a Sue: 12

So not only did she hit him with an arrow while she was running full tilt toward him, but she hit him in the chest.

Lina:  With an arrow that was suddenly poisoned.  Don’t forget that part.

Alpha Claw fell down then he was dead.

If you hit him in the chest he was probably dead before he fell down.

Kevin, Garroth, Laurence, Dante, Vylad and Zane came over to congratulate me.

Lina:  The character blob squelched itself over there rather prematurely, didn’t it?  Just because you kill the leader doesn’t necessarily mean the troops under their command will flee or surrender.  In fact, they might be angry that you killed their leader and rush you in a final act of glorious defiance, perishing with honor and the dignity of a true warrior.

…Getting a little into this, aren’t you?

Lina:  Whatever do you mean?

All of the thieves ran back into the forest without a word, the werewolves, with there new leader, Black Moon left.

That was a pretty quick decision on the werewolves’ part to elect Black Moon while simultaneously fleeing into the words for [reasons].

Lina:  If I were a mass of thieves and werewolves bent on kingdom destruction, I’d rally around Black Moon and prepare for the order to release the second wave of attacks.

I was breathing harder and harder,

And then she hyperventalated, asphysiated, and died!  The end-

*BZZZZZZZT!*

GAH!  What the hell was that?

Lina:  *rests Carlos across her shoulders*  Isn’t that what happens with a Librarian tries to finish the story before it’s done?  You do it all the time to the others.  When you made no move to do it to yourself, I thought I’d help.

Gee.  Thanks.

luckily if they were to recognize me, my hair grows fast, now it’s up to my shoulders.

What.

Lina:  Didn’t she shave her head or something within the last two or three days?

And it’s already up to her shoulders.

Lina:  Maybe she’s combing her armpit hair up to look like it’s from her head?

…Ew.

Also, for the hair growth:

*taps the counter*

Yup, that’s a Sue: 13

We all left and walked back to the Castle to congratulate the victory.

Why?  The victory did nothing to help you win.

The villagers cheered for the safety of the 5 boys when they returned, but soon were freaked out when Kevin and I walked in. Boys why did u let 2 thieves in the castle. demanded Father.

Lina:  Did no one watch from the tops of the walls as the princes of the country and a guard went out to most likely die a horrible death at the hands of an entire bloody army?!

Nope.  They stayed in the lobby and had a pillow fight.

They stopped the war, and saved out lives from a group of thieves twice, the rest of the thieves and werewolves were under control of Alpha Claw the general, luckily this thief stopped him, and the war.

Okay, here’s the thing with “showing” versus “telling.”  We have already seen all this happen, so this would be an appropriate time to use the “So-and-so explained to the really stupid king what had happened outside the walls” method.  It isn’t a case of “telling instead of showing” if we’ve already fucking seen it and know what happened.

Replied Vylad, then they all pulled out their swords and aimed at me, Kevin was held against the wall by two guards.

Lina:  What a bunch of ungrateful sods.  Vylad explains that the two “strangers” saved them and then everyone suddenly decides to attack them.

Let me go, we helped u, he yelled

*smacks the author again with what remains of the rotting trout*

Now tell us who r u demanded Garroth, I cleared my voice, took of my helmet, and replied.

“I am Grand High Princess Suecheal SueMcAuthsue the Twelve.”

What u don’t recognize ur own sister Garroth, I quipped.

Not a quip, you prat.

Everyone gasped, even Kevin, Mother was crying happy tears, and the guards freed Kevin, who instantly ran up to hug me, I hugged him back.

And then they had sex on one of the lobby mattresses because obviously Kevin’s only purpose to exist in this fic is as a love interest.

Lina:  It’s never stated that she had any feelings toward him.

There’s lots of things in this fic that aren’t stated that we are supposed either instantly know or make assumptions about.  I’m just doing what the author obviously wants us to do when she failed to actually write anything coherent: make it up ourselves.

Racheal… you alive! said Laurence,

And you need to go back to school, Laurence.

We thought u were dead said Dante.

Why?  Did you find a body?  Did you have any reason to think she was dead?

I looked over to Kevin who replied

I knew u weren’t a guy,

In order to reply, you have to be spoken to first.  You were not spoken to.  No one asked you.  Your statement about her gender doesn’t even relate to what Dante said.

then why didn’t u tell the werewolves

because u were the only one who actually cared for me,

*points at the sentence and glares at Lina*

Lina:  …Okay, okay.  He’s her crotch ornament.

I love how she’s supposed to be the only one who cared for him and all we ever saw was her telling him to keep practicing his archery.  She never even asked his name; it was dumped on us out of nowhere.

how long had u know this

It hurts to read this.  Thank galloping Jeebus we’re almost done.

since the day u didn’t pick me to raid the castle,

That’s how he knew she didn’t have a penis: because she didn’t think he was a good enough thief to take to the castle.

Lina:  I would have thought that the lack of penis would have been his first clue.  Or the werewolves ripping her apart when she entered the came since werewolves can smell that kind of thing.

Seriously?

Lina:  Very keen senses, Wolves.  Especially if you’re either in estrus or menses.  If you walk into a group of them smelling like you’re either trying to eject your entire uterus or you’re DTF, they’ll know.  Plus human men and human women have completely different smells to them; you secrete different sets of pheromones that animals can pick up on.

So, basically, the werewolves knew she wasn’t male but didn’t act on it.

Lina:  Or this author has no idea what she’s talking about, which I think is the more likely case.

I smiled a bit, he smile back.

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

Then we pulled ourselves into a group hug.

Lina:  Soooo… group sex?

God, I hope not.  Most of them are her brothers.

when we puled back, mother came up to me, along with father, I didn’t know if I was in trouble or not.

You should be in trouble, but you won’t be because you’re a Sue.

we r so proud of u, said mom, and u too Kevin, replied dad.

It’s like this author just got tired of writing this story by the end of it and is just trying to get through it.

Lina:  Much like us.

thanks I replied. I looked over at Kevin who was walking out back into the forest, I ran towards him and pulled him back into the castle.

You haven’t been boned by the Sue yet, Kevin.  You’re not allowed to leave.

where r u going asked

back to the forest

why do u have family there

no my family is dead

then why r u going

I think this is supposed to be a poem or something.

Lina:  Worst slam poetry event I’ve ever been to.  We should get the DRD in here; I’ve heard good things about the competitions they’ve put on before.

’cause your a princess with your 5 friends

I don’t think her having only five friends has anything to do with her royal lineage.

don’t u mean 6 friends, I replied smirking at him, he smiled

Baaaaaaa?

*looks toward the closed office door*  What’s up, Cerbs?  You can gong her if you’d like.

Baaaaaaaaa.  Baaa baaaaa ba ba ba baaaa.

Nope, she isn’t in here today.  I’m actually not sure where she is, but Lina’s helping.   I can get the door if you’d like-

Baaaa.  Baa-ba.

*hoof-beats fade down the hall*

Lina:  …did you just have a conversation with a gong-wielding cyborg sheep?

Yeah.  He wanted to know if Koori was here.  He didn’t want to bother us unless she was.  Something about her promising to help him card extra fleece when it was time to sheer him.

Lina: You know, I’d say that’s weird but I’ve seen stranger things order extra shots of espresso.  So I’m just going to ignore everything that’s happened since the Sue smirked.

Good call.

you mean…

you can stay here, and possibly sign up to train as a guard, we are all ways looking for new recruits

I would think that would be a decision for the king on whether or not a former thief could stay.  But, as we’ve already witnessed, PapaCity is dumber than the bricks used to make the walls.

why not, he hugged me tight, thanks Ryan. after we pulled back I responded,

by the way, here I go by Racheal. then we walked back towards the 5 friends, Kevin went to talk to father, and quickly became a guard in training, with extra experience. Hazel walked up towards me,

great job out there, I was starting to get worried u wont come back on the 1st night

She didn’t come back on the first night.  She came back on the second or third and killed a bunch of her father’s guards.  Way to keep up with the story, Hazel.

thanks Hazel, I bet u should get going into the forest right

Thanks for having no point in this story.  Now leave.

u know me way to well, see u soon and she left after saying goodbye to the others.

The others that she only just met maybe three days ago?  Time is kind of lost in this thing.

Lina:  It’s nearly squiggly but it hasn’t been described enough to overly contradict itself.

After that day, I no longer had to take classes with mother, but classes with my brothers and father.

Lina:  So when a dignitary comes to town, all you’ll know how to do is bow like a man and take the lead in waltzes.  There’s reasons that female royalty have special classes; it isn’t just needlepoint and flower arrangement, you know.  You need to learn diplomacy, etiquette, which fucking fork to use at the dinner table when eating with the Empress of Russia!

…I’d ask if this were from experience but I know for a fact that you were born in your world’s 1979 and Russia hasn’t had an empress since way before then.

Lina:  …what do you mean “my world’s 1979”?

Well, here it’s actually 2016.  If your world actually occurred in real-time to my world, you’d only be 37.  By the time you’re as old as you are now, your world would be somewhere around 2040.

Lina:  …2043- is it really only 2016 here?  You’re not shitting me?

Yeah.  How could you not have noticed?

Lina: Well, in my defense, you have a lot of pretty advanced gadgetry going on around here with *makes a vague gesture* everything that goes on.  I just assumed this was the same timeline as my existence.  If it’s really 2016, am I 37 again?

…You’re the immortal undead.  You stopped aging when you “died” 46 years ago.  Why would you want to be 37 when you’re eternally 18?

Lina:  I had a really good year when I was 37.  I wouldn’t mind reliving it.  Or reundeading it.  Or whatever.

We have, like, two sentences left.  Let’s just finish this.

Me, Garroth, Vylad, Zane, Laurence, Dante and Kevin now goes on adventures when they can. I smiled at Kevin and he smiled back, i got a weird feeling in my stomach, until I realized what it was.

The sensation of wanting to jump is nondescript bones.

With that, we come to the end of this pile of what-the-fuck.  We have one posted chapter left, entitled “Author Note.”  Let’s get it out of the way so we can finally be done.

Hey guys, princessteda12 here, I just wanted to add that, I don’t own the kingdom of O’khasis, or Aphmau’s Minecraft Diaries, the only thing I do own is the two characters I created in the story, Racheal, and Kevin, thanks for reading

~Princessteda12

… I…

187

The author’s note is the disclaimer that fic authors typically put at the beginning of the fics.  I just… seriously?

Lina:  This author is really striving to put her fic into our list of biggest general piles of fail, isn’t she?

I’m so glad we’re done with this.  Until next time, lovelies!

Lina:  Ta-ta!

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19 Comments on “1510: The war of O’khasis – Chapter Five and Author’s Note”

  1. SC says:

    …You have R&D for your coffee cart?

    Lina: Naturally. Why wouldn’t I? We have to come up with new drinks somehow.

    I didn’t even know drink development warranted an R&-

    …D.

    …Team?

    *SC checks Mother Base’s personnel roster*

    HEY! WHERE THE FUCK DID MY RESEARCHERS GO?!

  2. GhostCat says:

    Ugh said Kevin, I will never get this, he said

    :alarms blare:

    Uh-oh.

  3. GhostCat says:

    Hell, my now-ten-year-old hit a bulls-eye (center of the heart) at 30 feet on an Antelope cut-out when he was eight, and he was the only one out of the twelve of us shooting that did it… and there were people there that had been shooting for years.

    True story – We were at a paintball target-shooting gallery in Tombstone, AZ where they use real Colt .45 revolvers adapted for paintballs and out of six shots my youngest niece (who had literally just turned nine the day before) managed to get a head-shot (and a hilarious groin-shot) despite the fact she could barely hold the weapon.

  4. AdmiralSakai says:

    then he nocked the arrow and tried again, aim for the bulls eye he told himself. he release and hit the middle, yes!

    The motivating power of Tarzan grammar!

  5. GhostCat says:

    Lina: *headdesks onto the pillow with a soft fwumph* …That’s surprisingly pleasant.

    Can I interest you in a cashmere headdesking desk? It feels like your face is being hugged by baby caterpillars!

  6. SC says:

    Racheal

    Ugh. I finally manage to tune in on this riff, and that’s the first thing I get to see? Why?

  7. SC says:

    Koori isn’t the only person around here that can sneak around without being noticed.

    Yeah, there’s also Soup Ninja Kira, Zack (sometimes), Momo, Destroyer of Worlds… somehow, the Batā Clan, the very scary people who taught Contacts his powers that I’m not allowed to name-drop on pain of death, the Master-

    *Loud crashing and swearing erupts from the kitchen*

    -And to a lesser degree, Contacts, himself!

  8. SC says:

    Kevin and I were practicing aiming for the bulls eye at the practicing tent, another arrow nearly hit the bulls eye. Ugh said Kevin, I will never get this, he said

    Shades: You know what would have happened to me if I had said that during my police training? They’d have kicked my whiny arse out of the academy. Quit being a pansy sod and get back to wo-

    then he nocked the arrow and tried again, aim for the bulls eye he told himself. he release and hit the middle, yes!

    *Shades pinches the bridge of her nose and grumbles irritably*

    Lina: Fluke shot, I’m sure.

    Shades: Someone bumped his elbow, I’m calling it now.

  9. SC says:

    Racheal… you alive!

    Nah bruh, she dead.

  10. SC says:

    Lina: Soooo… group sex?

    God, I hope not. Most of them are her brothers.

    House Lannister scoffs at the idea of that being a bad thing.

  11. SC says:

    Did… did Racheal forget she wasn’t a bandit and was acting as a mole?

    Lordic: You were already dead the first time around when this happened, Deckard, but I got put on deep cover for a time with a business suspected of ties to an organized crime family.

    Shades: It didn’t happen to go anything like how this fic is handling bandits, did it?

    Lordic: Nope! Over thirty arrests ended up being made, all legit, save for a few shootouts and a couple little shites who managed to give us the slip. And do you know why it was so wildly successful?

    *Lordic throws an arm around Shades’shoulders, drags her close to him, and puts a hand to her ear*

    Lordic: I don’t suck at deep cover ops.

  12. BatJamags says:

    Wow, I sure am glad I read that story. Otherwise…

    Well, I’m sure the consequences of not reading this fic are quite apparent to all of you, so of course I don’t need to enumerate them.

    • SC says:

      Bro, if I have to clean up one more apocalypse because someone didn’t suffer through a badfic like the rest of us, I’ma flip a bitch.


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