1506: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey Chapters 6, 7, and 8

Title: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey
Author: cw2k
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Parody/Romance
URL: Chapter 6
URL: Chapter 7
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

NOTE: As with the previous two installments of this fic, today’s installment of this fic contains more poorly-written sex, and is therefore rated NSFW. Read at your own discretion.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to the Mortal Kombat porn! I’m your host Herr Wozzeck, and we are going to continue on in this train wreck.

And what shall happen in it? Well… let’s just keep going and find out, shall we?

We open our next chapter with this:

Chris returned to the Special Forces base to meet with Sonya and Johnny for a debriefing. Alongside them was the thunder god, Raiden.

What Sonya should say: “really, Raiden? The janitor’s closet? What the hell is wrong with one of the briefing rooms?”

What she actually says:

“Chris, thank you for coming. We brought you here to discuss your disappearance a few days ago. We tried to get in contact with you but the transmission went dead. What happened?” Sonya asked.

So, last chance fic: are you going to remember the guys Chris went to look for?

“I was knocked unconscious. My team was reported missing and I had to search for them when something hit me from behind.

Okay, so he did remember the fallen comrades he was looking for. So my immediate question: are you at all concerned about them now? Are you? And is anybody going to ask where they are? Anybody? Please?

Next thing I knew, there she was. Mileena.

“Former Empress Mileena?” asked Raiden.

“Former? What do you mean?”

“She got “bugged” out, apparently,” said Johnny.

O-oh, we’re just going to go on and not address that they still haven’t been found? Hey, just so long as we’re clear on what you’re doing…

“D’Vorah!” Chris exclaimed.

“That is correct. Kotal Kahn took Outworld’s throne,” Raiden explains.

“He told me about that.”

Wait, so there was a Civil War in Outworld when we were gone?

“There was a civil war in Outworld. Mileena rebelled against Kotal, along with two of her comrades, Tanya and Rain.”

Okay, so, let me get this straight: in the last chapter, Chris talked with Kotal Khan about stuff, and then barely [ERROR: TIME DATA UNAVAILABLE] later the rebellion is a success. Also, Tanya was in this fight, despite the fact she was busy discovering the concept of breakfast in Chris’ bed.

*slow clap*

Being in only one place: how does that work?

When Chris heard Raiden speak Tanya’s name, his heart almost leapt out of his chest. The same woman he fell in love with.

“I know them two, but who’s Rain?” Chris asked.

Wait, really? You’re not going to go on? No mentions of how he feels about that? No disambiguating what he meant by the vague “his heart leapt out of his chest” description? Nothing about how he might actually think about this?

Well, on the plus side, I can now make this the love theme of this fic:

Anyway, who is Rain?

“You mean you don’t remember that old Prince song?” asked Johnny.

“Not now, Johnny!”

*snerk*

Okay, that joke doesn’t come from anywhere, really, but fuck it: it’s the first bit of personality this fic’s gotten since it started, after all! And I’ll take that over the droll, boring shit we’ve been getting before now!

“Like Kitana and Tanya, Rain is also from Edenia. He is the son of Argus and half-god.” Raiden explained.

“Tanya… from Edenia?”

No, Chris, we’re talking about Tanya from Albert Square.

Raiden had a suspicious look. “Something tells me you know Tanya personally…”

Well, I mean, he did get laid with her, so—

“I KNEW IT! (Singsong) MY BOY GOT LAID!” Yelled Johnny.

*BAM*

Wait, crap! Sorry, Johnny, I hit the wrong guy. Give me a second to rectify that…

*BAM*

What the hell is that parenthesis, author? I… what!?

“JOHNNY!” Sonya was getting frustrated over Johnny’s unneccesary humor.

Hey, what do you mean “unnecessary”? (Which is how you actually spell that word, by the way!) It’s injecting some much-needed life into this shitty bore fest, so you know what? I don’t see how it is unnecessary!

Chris’ heart began beating faster at the embarrassment.

Oh hey, it’s Blandy McBlandyPants’ first actual reaction to something! And he’s embarrassed, because hey, wouldn’t you be if your sex life got alluded to like that?

It’d be very awkward if Tanya steps in here, wouldn’t it?

Suddenly, the door opened. It was Tanya.

“Tanya!” Yelled Raiden.

*facepalm*

Oh, for…

*BAM*

Fic, I was kidding!

“I come in peace!”

“You’ll be leaving in pieces if you don’t tell me why you’re here!” Sonya was ready to jump Tanya.

Um… why? I know it’s the whole Outworld thing, but you’d think that she’d be less willing to just shout that if it weren’t personal in some way. So what happened between the two of them that led Tanya to shout that?

“I came here because Raiden was right. Chris does know me personally. I am not here to harm anyone,” Tanya assured.

“Why are you here?” asked Sonya?

Yes, Sonya. Or are you thinking Raiden was going to ask that?

“…because I love him…”

Everyone went into shock

Hopefully not septic shock?

when Tanya dropped the love bomb.

Which hopefully had less power than Fat Boy. That’s all I can really hope for here…

“You’re a traitor to Edenia! How is it you can love someone?”

Because penis. Trust me, it makes about as much sense to the rest of us as it does to you.

“He has shown me what change is all about. I visited him last night…”

So basically, penis.

Johnny making sounds like EPMD’s “Never Seen Before”

… Yes… Johnny making sounds like EMPD’s “Never Seen Before”

Oh, that was the end of the sentence? Well, allow Chris to retort:

Chris punched Johnny in the nuts.

“Dude, my balls!”

Whoah—hey hey hey! Chris, turn that on the author, if you don’t mind!

Also… making sounds like EMPD’s “Never Seen Before”. So is he trying to make the synthesizer sounds? Is he trying to recite the lyrics the same way EMPD does? Is he trying to do the beatbox?

And why the hell is he doing it with “Never Seen Before”? It seems strange that he’d mimic sounds found in a rap song about how two guys feel awesome and shit, but hey, obviously I’m not the one writing the shitty porno, so who knows?

Sonya yelled, “Are you two done fucking around? Is this true, Chris?” She gave him a deathly look.

Wow, Sonya, maybe calm down a bit? I know you tend to be super no-nonsense about this sort of thing, but even considering the stuff you do in MK9 this is a bit out there for you!

“It is true, . When I first saw him in Outworld, me and Mileena, I was the first to… fall for him… I visited him last night… JOHNNY, I SWEAR TO GOD!”

*snerk*

I love how Tanya goes on about how she loves Chris, and then shouts in the middle of it like a deranged madwoman. Kind of makes it hard to take such a serious moment seriously.

She looked at Johnny still suffering from getting directly into his ballsack!

*cringe*

How the hell does he get into his own ballsack!? I… what!?

*cringes*

Uuugh, I did not want to get cringey imagery from this fic, man, what the hell?

“As I was saying, I knew that night, he changed my life forever. I know that Edenia will be long dead, but I began a new life here in Earthrealm. I’m sorry if I caused you much grievance.”

I think great confusion is the bigger emotion here.

“Well, since you now reside in Earthrealm, would you be willing for fight for us?” Raiden asked.

You can’t be serious, Raiden.

“You can’t be serious,” says Sonya.

*points*

What the crazy PMS agent said!

“Sonya…” Johnny tried to intervene, but he fell down to the floor still agonizing over a busted nut.

“Fucking idiot,” says Sonya

Hey, don’t insult Johnny Cage! His antics may be way too childish for this fic, but hey, I’ll give him some leeway! After all, this is about as much personality as this fic has, so I’ll take it!

“I’d be honored to, Raiden,” Tanya agreed.

“Very well. I will have to send you back to Outworld to meet with Bo’ Rai Cho for a simple test before we can trust you.”

“As you wish.”

Knowing Bo’Rai Cho, I don’t think it’ll be that simple, but fuck it, at least Raiden isn’t just taking Tanya on her word. I’ll take it!

“As for you, Chris,” says Sonya. “I need you to step into my office. We need to talk about this further.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Talk about this further? Are you sure that’s not coded language for fucking of some kind? Because knowing this fic, I would not be surprised.

Johnny rises up. “Hey, hold up, man.”

“What?”

Johnny hits Chris in the nuts.

“Now we’re even!”

Okay, this is starting to get old now.

Seriously, what is this? This isn’t Mortal Kombat: this is a Farrelly Brothers comedy pretending to be Mortal Kombat! I mean, think about it: there’s sex, there’s cheap sexual humor… it’s about as close as you can get to a Farrelly Brothers comedy. Except, you know, for the fact that most Farrelly Brothers movies are actually funny.

Anyway, that ends Chapter six. Chapter seven starts with this:

Chris stepped into Sonya’s holding his sack after Johnny punched him for earlier.

Thank you, I think we can remember why Chris would be holding his ballsack in pain. Though hey, I guess the reminder is nice for your target audience!

Also, they stepped into Sonya’s…

Right. I’m going to imagine this whole scene taking place in a restaurant booth now. I mean, really, that’s just gonna make this whole thing more fun, innit?

“Goddamnit, Johnny! I’m terribly sorry.”

“Well, that’s what I get for leaving my nuts hanging out.

Why the hell would you unzip your fly and let your balls hang out in the open like that? Especially in a meeting like that, what purpose would that serve?

*BAM*

Come on, Chris, zip up your pants and stuff them back in, if you don’t mind!

ou wanted to see me?”

“Between you and me, did you have sex with Tanya?”

Well, duh. How else do you think you’d—

Chris dropped at the question.

Chris dropped… his grandmother’s cookies that she’d baked for him the night before? He dropped an anvil on his toe? He dropped the beat?

“It’s ok, you can tell me.”

Chris suddenly witnessed a change in Sonya’s attitude.

And that change in Sonya’s attitude went from “PMSing teenager” to…?

“Yes.” He said.

*shrug*

Fuck it, that’s about as much as I think we’ll get.

Sonya walked up to him and gave him a ice pack for his nuts.

“Thanks.”

Sonya locked the office door. She sat on her desk in front of him. “So, tell me, that night, how did she visit you?”

“I have no idea. She somehow… teleported?”

Eh, teleportation, SDQF, it’s all the same to me!

“That’s one way,” Sonya said as she takes off her jacket.

And she’s not wrong, you—

… Wait, why’d she take off the jacket?

“So you two had sex. I didn’t think it was that hot.”

*frown*

Okay, let’s just ignore the fact that Sonya apparently is into voyeurism (because let’s face it, I actually find voyeurism kinda hot myself), and let’s just concentrate on the fact that “she didn’t think it was that hot”. So that meant she was watching Chris and Tanya fuck while Tanya was discovering the concept of breakfast?

Um… I’m not even going to get into how creepy it is that she was spying on the private life of someone who she fights with, and instead get into the question of how the fuck did she manage to watch in the first place!?

Like, seriously, fic! How was she watching him fuck Tanya?

Sonya suddenly got off her desk to sit on his lap.

“How was it?” Chris knew Sonya’s Kiss of Death. He heard stories about how she used it on her enemies in previous tournaments. Chris was about to get the worst of it when she planted a kiss on his lips. To his surprise, he wasn’t dead.

“Ma’am…”

“Call me Sonya.” She kissed him again while taking her uniform off showing her nice breasts. She then proceeds to take his pants off.

O-oh, right, time for sex. Never—

Oh for fuck’s sake, fic, I was kidding about Sonya fucking Chris! Though I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised, really…

“I see why Tanya would enjoy this.” Chris was still shocked beyond belief that Mortal Kombat’s first female was seducing him!

The hell do you mean, “Mortal Kombat’s first female”?

*looks up Mortal Kombat*

*headdesk*

*BAM*

Really? You just described Sonya by her status as the only female character in the first Mortal Kombat!?

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Wow. I have seen some nonsensical ways to label characters, but that has to be one of the most nonsensical I have ever seen. I mean, what the fuck is that? Labelling her by her status in the games and not by her status in the story? Come on!

*BAM*

Also, is it me, or did this just confirm that Chris may possibly be a self-insert?

*shudders*

At least he’s not threatening to rape people left and right. I’ll just take my comforts there and run with it.

So anyway, of course, this segues to:

“Now, it’s my turn.”

She climbs on his lap, slidin his hard member into her vagina. She started slow moving her hips back and forth. She moaned low so no one would hear her. She start goin up and down, hands around his head.

*shrug*

Anyone who was at all surprised by this shift in events should do us a favor and never read porn again.

He then puts on the desk and pumped in her.

*frowns*

Wearable desks? Is that the latest in fetish porn, or am I missing something?

“Fuck me, Chris!Ah ah ah!.” He pumped deep and hard. Sonya never thought sex was something strong-willed women like her could not attest to, but this, right now, she needed it.

*RING RING RRRRRIIIIIIIIING*

Uh-oh, I think my sexism alarm just went off. I don’t even know why, considering this sentence doesn’t even make that much sense.

Although Johnny could have gotten this, Sonya thought Chris would be more suitable as long as he doesn’t release himself in her. Chris was about to explode, but he pulled outjust in the nick of time for Sonya to take it inher mouth. He exploded in her mouth.

And then the next day, they held a funeral for Sonya. And that, children, is why you don’t graft a grenade onto your dick!

“Do not tell anyone about this,” says Sonya.

“Your secret is safe with me… Sonya.”

Good God, is Chris being set up to have a harem here? I really, really, really hope not, but I have the horrible feeling it’s heading in that direction.

God, I need a bath in the brain bleach Jacuzzi…

Anyway, the next chapter starts with this:

Tanya trained with Master Bo’ Rai Cho in Outworld at Raiden’s request, but every time he tried of his techniques, he lets out farts, to Tanya’s disgust.

“You disgust me. No wonder you never married,” said Tanya.

“Hey, I do fine with women,” said Bo. It is true that Bo’ Rai Cho has never married, and because of drinking habits, it wasn’t hard to see why.

One day, as Tanya performed her Special attacks while sparring, Bo’… accidentally vomited on her.

And that didn’t kill her… why, exactly?

Or is our dearly beloved author not aware of this:

Tanya screamed in disgust and horror as she left Bo’s house.

And promptly failed her test. Hooray!

She took a nice long bath in a nearby river when she was encountered by another fellow Edenian, Rain.

“You train with that slob Bo’ Rai Cho? How low can you possibly go Tanya,” asked Rain.

Wait a smidge, Tanya’s just training with Bo Rai Cho? Um, how is that supposed to test if she’s trustworthy? Because you’d think a test of trust in this style would require more than just “hey, I learned how to fight with this guy”, you know!

“I’m allied with Earthrealm now.”

“Fool! First, you ally with Mileena to rebuild Edenia, now you refuge in Earthrealm?”

“It suits me.”

“There will be a day where you will suffer, Tanya.” Rain disappears.

“Now if you will excuse me, I have somewhere else to be for when Mileena finally gets added to Chris’ harem…

Tanya returned to Earthrealm to be alone. As she walked, she contemplated the love she was shared with Chris. She thought about him a lot, but she also realized that if their love goes public, then Chris would be deemed a traitor.

For bringing a warrior of Edenia to their side? Bitch please, you don’t know anything about how treason works!

After everything she has done, from betraying her homeworld to aiding Mileena in exchange for a new Edenia, she figured she needed a revelation, a change, and Chris became that change.

And, unless this fic goes to the harem genre, it’s all going to go to shit when you discover that Chris slept with Sonya. But hey, I guess it is heading there, since you didn’t seem to mind Mileena’s turn riding Chris!

*headdesk*

God Christ, this fic is boring.

Anyway, that’ll be all of that for this week, ladies and gentlemen. Join me next time for when we dig deeper into that Subject 23 sequel.

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66 Comments on “1506: Mortal Kombat: A New Hero’s Journey Chapters 6, 7, and 8”

  1. leobracer says:

    “Also, is it me, or did this just confirm that Chris may possibly be a self-insert?”

    *Has flashbacks to Trapped*

    Oh sweet baby Jesus Christ, what the hell have we gotten ourselves into?

  2. leobracer says:

    Goodness gracious, these sex scenes are even worse than anything that He-Who-Shall-Go-Unnamed has written.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      I suddenly feel like the fact that both characters are named “Chris” means we’re going to be projecting a lot onto this poor guy.

      Yeah, I’m going to see if I can’t curb the comparisons.

  3. leobracer says:

    ““Well, that’s what I get for leaving my nuts hanging out.”

    *Dunks head into the brain bleach jacuzzi*

    *Garbled* Did not need to see that.

  4. leobracer says:

    “Johnny hits Chris in the nuts.”

    *High-fives Johnny*

    Thank you Johnny Cage for doing that. Now go do that to the other Chris that we have locked up in the library.

  5. SC says:

    today’s installment of this fic contains more poorly-written sex

    *Glasses giggles*

    Shades: What? What’s so fun-

    Glasses: FINISH HER!

    *Glasses makes finger guns at a deathly silent Shades; Shades raises an arm in the air, summons a Spartan laser, and blasts Glasses’ entire upper torso away from her legs*

  6. SC says:

    What Sonya should say: “really, Raiden? The janitor’s closet? What the hell is wrong with one of the briefing rooms?”

    To which Raiden should reply by grabbing her about the waist, hefting her in the air, and electrocuting the shit out of her.

    By the way, I have inordinate amounts of fun playing Raiden.

  7. SC says:

    Next thing I knew, there she was. Mileena.

    Call me crazy, but I don’t really see Mileena as a sneaky, Suddenly-And-From-Behind kind of individual.

    Noob, on the other hand, I could see him sneaking about. He is KIND OF A NINJA, after all.

  8. SC says:

    Chris punched Johnny in the nuts.

    “Dude, my balls!”

    ~LATER~

    Johnny hits Chris in the nuts.

    Monocle: GAH! YOU INSIPID LITTLE WORMS ARE DOING IT WRONG! IF I MUST DEMONSTRATE A PROPER DIRECT STRIKE AGAINST A MAN’S HONOR FOR YOU IMBECILES TO UNDERSTAND, THEN I SHALL! WARRIOR SPECS, TO ME!

    Specs: What’s u-?

    *Monocle sends an uppercut from hell itself directly into Specs’ crotch*

    *The rest of the Specs and Co. gasp and cover their midsections protectively*

  9. BatJamags says:

    You can’t be serious, Raiden.

    “You can’t be serious,” says Sonya.

    I am serious, and don’t call me- Dammit!

  10. AdmiralSakai says:

    “I come in peace!”

    SNERK

  11. AdmiralSakai says:

    She climbs on his lap, slidin his hard member into her vagina. She started slow moving her hips back and forth. She moaned low so no one would hear her. She start goin up and down, hands around his head.

    Why is the author suddenly so afraid of the letter ‘g’?

  12. SC says:

    She climbs on his lap, slidin his hard member into her vagina. She started slow moving her hips back and forth. She moaned low so no one would hear her. She start goin up and down, hands around his head.

    *Glasses and Shades both start paying VERY close attention*

  13. GhostCat says:

    He is the son of Argus and half-god.”

    Who is Half-God?

  14. GhostCat says:

    Wow, Sonya, are you on your period or something?

    Dude. Not cool.

  15. GhostCat says:

    Sonya never thought sex was something strong-willed women like her could not attest to

    I kind of feel insulted, but at the same time I’m just really confused.

  16. GhostCat says:

    Although Johnny could have gotten this, Sonya thought Chris would be more suitable as long as he doesn’t release himself in her. Chris was about to explode, but he pulled outjust in the nick of time for Sonya to take it inher mouth.

    Sonya never tells Chris not to ejaculate inside her, yet he seems to know not to do so and even goes for the showier porno ending for some reason rather than just pulling out.

  17. TacoMagic says:

    I mean, think about it: there’s sex, there’s cheap sexual humor… it’s about as close as you can get to a Farrelly Brothers comedy. Except, you know, for the fact that most Farrelly Brothers movies are actually funny.

    So we’re basically one bong reference away from a Wayan brothers movie.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      But Wayan Brothers movies aren’t funny. Or did you forget that White Chicks was about as funny as a painted wall drying?

  18. TacoMagic says:

    Chris dropped at the question.

  19. "Lyle" says:

    She start goin up and down, hands around his head.

    Either Sonja has giant hands or Chris has a micro-noggin.


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